Thursday, September 22, 2005

Holy Straightjacket Batman continued...

Yeah so after Mother Bear borrows the plunger, things kind of cooled off for awhile. ( Not like I was gonna complain.) I was still treated to my daily afternoon chats however, now Mother Bear was getting up in the AM to greet me before work. I may or may not have mentioned before but I am not a morning person. Christ himself could be waiting for me at my car with a lahge cawfee, light 2snl and a bagel toasted with strawberry cream cheese and I would still be, "what the hell do you want?" Needless to say Mother Bear's ninja like greetings at 6:30 in the AM were starting to chap my ass.

So I continue to go to work and sit behind my desk, fill out forms and shift reports and other types of useless shit. Basically my days were filled with mind-numbing boredom and most days, I just wanted to kick some ass. Until I got the ok from my rehab guy and my doctor, that was a big no go. Things continue like this for a few more weeks.

IV. In Which Jackass Jimmy is at a Loss for Words

I came home from work on a sweltering August afternoon. My foot (the one with the major injury) was killing me and all I wanted to do was get into some air conditioning and get horizontal. She who shall be named Crazy, was waiting for me on the fence. I shut the F1 down and gingerly stepped out of the car. I had so many weird scenarios running through my head, I really had no clue as to what to expect. She said hello, asked me how my day was and then came at me from an angle that made me more suspect of her than ever before.
"Jackass, do you have a lawnmower?"
"Why yes, yes I do..."
at this point she has told me how hard cutting her grass with her 1920's Tom & Jerry style push mower was. So I'm thinking that she wants to borrow my grass cutting shit to finish cutting her grass.

"Jackass could I borrow your lawnmower?"
"Sure, just let me go in and pull it out of the basement."
"O.k. great, I'll be right over to cut your grass"

Me: *blink blink blink*

I walked into my house and let out a stream of obscenities that are still probably floating somewhere over Lake Placid.

I just wanted to relax and now...I have to mow my lawn, otherwise my crazy nextdoor neighbor is going to cut the grass. My neighbor is going to cut the grass. I hobbled down to the basement and pulled out the fucking lawn mower and cut the grass like I was a junkie looking for the fix, promised at the jobs completion. So, Mother Bear came over to me while I was mowing, stopped me from mowing and asked me what I was doing.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

I'm not the smartest guy in the world but I think my activity was pretty self explanitory. So, it was very tough for me to mask my anger and contempt when I was interupted.

"What am I doing?" I said.
"Yeah" she said.

"I'm building a boat" I said.
"It looks like you're mowing the lawn" she said.

"That was going to be my next guess" I said. "Look it's nothing personal but I am perfectly capable of mowing my own lawn. I just didn't feel like doing it 5 minutes after I got home from work in 100+ heat and humidity."

I was heated at this point and just wanted to finish so I could get inside, have a cold drink and get naked in some ac.

"Yeah, well that's why I was going to cut your grass. So you wouldn't have to." she says.

"Well, I appreciate the effort but I can hadle it. Enjoy the rest of your weekend." and with that I pulled the rip-cord on the mower and was on with my business. I finished cutting the grass, put the mower away and went in and passed out for the night. I was happy with my cut grass and glass full of iced diet soda.

The next morning, I went to work and Mother Bear was not in the driveway to greet me. However, she was right there waiting for me when I got home. I got out of the car and tried to limp into my house without too much dialogue.

"Hi...Jim" she yells.
"Hi, crazy fucking lady, what the fuck do want with my soul today?" I said.
"Jim can I borrow your hose and weed wacker? There's some work I'd like to do on your front yard." she says.
"I think my dad borrowed it and said he was going to burn it, instead of returning to me." I chuckled.
"Oh.....okay" she said and trailed off under her breath.

I almost...almost wanted to go after her to find out what she was saying. Then I realized that doing so would be the equivalent of kicking a sleeping grizzly bear in the nuts.

I went into the house, kicked off the shoes and grapped a nappy nap.

To Be Continued....


Boogie Pants Donavan said...

my favorite 'She who shall be named Crazy, was waiting for me "
thats just fukyn awesome. Im updating now- ive been surrounded by stupid and am just about done round housing them all.

n.v. said...

I don't understand - why does she want to do YOUR yardwork? As payment for letting her borrow your machine?