So again my day starts off with a bang. Up early, basically all night. Why? I have no idea.
Wait, maybe it's because I work with a psycho, who drinks 7 nights a week. Maybe I'm a fucking vampire? This second shift shit is for the birds.
Up early, bring the F1 in to get checked out. It's been running really hot lately, and rather than have my engine explode on me, I figure some preventative maintenance is in order.
Dropped it off, then walked downtown to Timmy's, grabbed coffee and walked back home. Here I sit clackity-clacking my thoughts.
Last night, at Parker's the question again came up, “Why are you single again?”
I took a nice drink of whiskey and pondered the answer to the question that will not go away.
“I don't even know anymore.” fell off my lips. “I guess I don't care, don't have time for bullshit...who knows?” The boss grinned and looked at me with a twinkle in his eye.
“No seriously, why are you alone?” I was starting to get aggravated, finished my Jameson and ordered another. The boss was still looking at me, he was not going to let this one drop. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I stood with a gun to his head. “You really wanna fuckin' know that bad do YA?” The whiskey was strong, hints of slow aged oak, pain and regret lingered on my lips and on my tongue. For whatever reason, I continued through the valley of the shadow of death. As I thought of a suitable reply, flashes of days gone by played like movie clips in my mind, songs I haven't listened to in a hundred years suddenly came to memory and it was as if love was rearing its ugly fucking head again.
Look there is the answer you want to hear and there is the answer I'm going to give you, I snapped. “We've been over this before and I'm putting my love life on the same list as politics and religion.” Connie Marie laughed and poured me another Jameson. “This one's on the house kiddo” she winked and rubbed my shoulder as only a mother who tends bar could. My boss grinned an impish grin and let me speak. “You want me to tell you that I'm afraid of being in a relationship. That's just not the case. I love women, talk to them all the time. However, since my last several experiences have been, shall we say...less than positive, I don't really feel the need to jump into anything right away. More specifically and finally what I mean by that is, I'm sick and fucking tired of putting it all out there, only to have my heart ripped out through my ass and then have the pleasure of putting both my heart and mind back together. I'm patient but I don't think I've the energy nor wherewithall to deal with that bullshit again. Let me go to work, go to school, spend my free time as I like to...ON MY OWN, and let's be done with it.”
“Alright man, I'm gonna go have a cigarette and then we'll talk.” I gave him the sideways glance, eyes narrowed, “whatever.” He walked out the door and I could feel the motherly advice coming on. “You're not going to find happiness in that glass, you know.” Connie looked at me as if I were on my last few dollars. “I know,” I said. “But it makes the pain in my shoulders and neck ease up a little and quiets my brain enough for me to fall asleep at night.” “Yeah, I'm sure it does, but you wake up the same way you went to bed.” The sides or her lips were turned up, almost as if she were trying not to smile. “How do you mean” I asked. “alone” was all she said.
It could have been the whiskey, the company, a rough two days at work or a combination of any or all of the aforementioned, but I was pissed. I was getting it from both ends and didn't know how to stop it. I finished the the last of my whiskey and ordered another. The door flew open and Bossman came bounding in. “I've got it...YOU'RE AFRAID!!” “That's easy...we can fix that no problem.” Stunned, were it not for the two gulps of Jameson I knocked back one after the other, I would have known not what to say. At least the tears of ragepainembarrassment could be been mistaken for the burn of whiskey. I left my half of the tab and a decent tip on the bar, grabbed my keys and phone, and walked out into the temperate March night.
In case you were wondering, this is also my curse. According to these guys, there is love burning to find me...
I hope you all are well.