Called Out at Home

sigh

2011-06-27T00:10:00.001-04:00

This weekend I had somewhat of a freak out. I realized in 22 months, I will turn forty.

And so this is forty, and what have you done?
I guess that question bothers me with varying intensity, depending on the day of the week it comes to the front of my mind.
cause realistically, it’s always on my mind
never giving me a break
letting me catch my breath
giving me a chance at believing
things might actually turn out alright
…

someday

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Saturday morning cartoons...

2011-05-21T08:52:00.001-04:00

where have you gone?

8:36 AM Saturday
I’m coffee’d , breakfasted and now I’m sitting here trying to come up with a believable reason to not go to the gym. Even though I was up many times urinating last night, there was still plenty of sleep. I’m not too physically tired, it’s more mental and just a general lack of motivation. Which is surprising because over the past few weeks, I’ve really been noticing progress in the mirror, in the way I look in t-shirts and in the way my jeans fit. I imagine my goal of a 36 waist is not that far away. If I keep working like I have been, maybe a month at most.

Being unemployed is really starting to fuck with my head. I think the last time I was this broke, I was 11 and hadn’t started working yet, for my Grandfather or otherwise. It’s not having money to burn that is the worst. What hurts the most is the disconnect I feel with my friends, due to living on the other side of the moon. Not only do I not get to see any of them, but if I do make the effort, the idea that I’ve just purchased my last $2000 tank of gas, ruins any joy I have during the visit. Even hitting the weights does not silence my mind completely. It does a good job of distracting and tiring me out but the incessant voices of self loathing and doubt sometimes seem to be turned up even louder, as if they are trying to compete with the metal blaring from my head phones.

I grabbed about seven job applications yesterday, no place I’d actually want to work but sometimes you have to suck it up and bend over. I am not above this. In my application gathering mission, I was becoming increasingly annoyed with the number of businesses who told me, “We don’t have applications because we’re going paperless.”…and then they would hand me a slip of paper with directions on how to get to their website to fill out an application. Um, guess what? You’re NOT GOING PAPERLESS YOU NITWIT, CAUSE YOU JUST HANDED ME A SLIP OF PAPER!!!

I’ve decided minor muscle fatigue and a case of fat-kid-itis is not going to keep me from the gym today. I’m off to put on my socks and get the hell out of dodge. Gym is only open till one today and I have a lot to get done.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not for the...

2011-04-25T01:33:00.001-04:00

faint of heart.

Today was one of those days I just knew I was going to have to write at the end of the day
Not that anything horrible or even memorable happened, it was just a feeling I had.
Like there were demons to be exorcised and thrown out
My body is trying in vain to get back to normal
Normal blood sugar levels, normal sleep patterns
Normal everything
It almost seems pointless
As pointless as me sitting here and typing away
My fingers unfamiliar with the keyboard
Like the whole things is some foreign dance, seemingly impossible to learn
And yet we’ve done it a million times

I was bitten in the ass by nostalgia this week and I’m not sure why
I got all caught up in myself and thoughts of people I haven’t seen in so long
It doesn’t even matter any more because unless there is some huge tragedy
We’ll not see each other again
And that just makes me sad
The only thing that justifies seeing people you care about
Are incidents of death, sorrow and the like
Sure there are weddings and graduations and a christening here and there
but what about actually getting to sit down and speak with those you came to see
at length
to actually be able to talk about more than the weather
how great things used to be
and wouldn’t it be great if we could all go back for
a day
a week
a month

there are days I want nothing more
and then when I really think about it, I’m unsure
would it be as good
would I be as comfortable as I think I am now

we connected
we connected deeply whether you want to admit it or not
and I hope you are happy
I really, really do
cause there are so many parts of me that
hurt so goddamn bad when I think about you
and how fucking wonderful you are
whether you believe it or not
a pain so deep I can’t even cry cause there is no point to it
and I don’t even know anymore if seeing pictures of
you and the children
help or hurt me
but I’m too interested to look away
but too proud to reach out
cause I know you know
how I feel
how I’ve always felt
how I will feel for many years to come
and maybe that feeling is as unsettling to you
as it is to me
but I hope not
cause I want you to be happy
and not tortured by the ghosts
like I am
I wish you wonderfully peaceful days
and nights filled with fitful sleep and amazing dreams

my head hurts so goddamn bad right now and I have no idea if its caffeine, blood sugar, stress
or some Faustian combination of those three things and thinking of you
the one I can’t let go
I’ve tried
I really have and no matter what it is I think I’ve done that works
there is always something there to remind me of the time
when I still had hope
in you
in us
in myself
and right now I barely have any hope left for me
I’ve turned into everything I hated
everything I never wanted to become and was determined
not to become
and then life happened
and no matter how hard I hit back
life hit back twice as hard
and as tough as I am
I can only take so many punches
keep my guard up for so long
before the blows rain down one after another
and though I am conscious of them
I notice no difference in their force
destruction
pain
so now here I am
on the ropes
or in the
corner
wherever life wants
to whip my ass
and my eyes are swollen shut
and my give a damn has been broken since 2004
but the pills
make me numb
so I can’t feel it
so I can go on
so I can take
beating
after
beating
after
beating

…yeah this is much better than being dead
only another 30 or so years of this to look forward to
please God
someone
throw
in
my
towel

I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ

So in about...

2011-04-15T01:56:00.002-04:00

seven hours I will be in front of a doctor.

what's is incredible about this is, I will have to tell him/her I've been off all of my medications, diabetic, anti-depressive and other wise, for almost six months.

while I think I've done remarkably well, all things considered, I'm sure Dr. Smartypants is going to look at me like I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. In some case they may be right but, without a job I have no health insurance and I know for a fact that without health insurance, just one of my medications costs $400 a month.

yeah, so I can't even imagine what a month's worth of medication, plus an office visit, plus any other hidden costs I'm sure will be thrown in there, would be. If I had to take a guess, it would be somewhere near the thousand dollar mark. Sad part is I don't even care that I've not been on my meds.

I've been eating right and working out and while I'm sure my A1c is not where it needs to be, I've been feeling pretty good. Today being the exception but I think I'm just stressed, dehydrated and need a break.

yeah I know, "WTF, DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING JOB?!?!?"

while this is true, living in the smallest house in the world, where it is all but impossible to not trip over anyone, even when you are just trying to change your mind, wears on you after a while.

I long for Sunday mornings when both of my parents are out at their weekend jobs, not because I have never loved working on Sunday but it gives me a short reprieve from having them hover over me for eighteen hours a day.

still reading, no writing, not much has changed. Guess I'll get some sleep before the mental ass-kicking I'm going to take later.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taking a few...

2011-04-12T17:44:00.002-04:00

minutes before most boring developmental osych class ever. It's not the Prof's fault, I just could care less about the material and after losing my job, the last thing I want to think about are brains and how they do or do not work. I'm attempting to write this on a mac and the stubby keyboard, with the huge keys are giving me a hard time.

had a few throwdowns with the parents over the past week but things seem to be somewhat cooler now.

finding a job
y
not losing my fucking mind
are priorities now

there has been little to no socialization
and I blame that on
me being lazy
and gas being eleventy billion dollars a gallon
all of which make me not want to drive to the "big city"

just about an hour left before class

suppose I should get some reading done
so I don't get, "smoted".

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

38...

2011-04-05T01:30:00.002-04:00

which is about 14 more than 24

at 24 there was less to worry about
at least that's the way it seemed to me

what was going on over the weekend
what girl was I going to talk my self out of kissing
will I have time to eat dinner and get to rehearsal on time

things like that

38 is vastly different

it's like
did I remember to fill prescriptions
did I take prescriptions
where are those damned pills again
how the fuck am I supposed to pay all these bills

when not thinking about the aforementioned
there are always the other thoughts floating in the background
how the hell am I going to pay my student loans off
when the fuck will I be able to move out of my parents basement
How many times do I have to tell them paneling/wall paper are archaic
no one uses that shit anymore

wish in one had and shit in the other
see which one fills up first

at 24 I was so busy
I had no time to listen to
the brutal voices in my head
the peoples opinions I could care less about
bad, bad fucking music

now it seems these are the only things around

Whatever...

at least I still have my library card

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. to the three or so people who didn't forget my birthday, thank you very much.

And he who,,,

2011-04-01T00:55:00.002-04:00

forgets

another monochromatic day

not manic, nor panic, just gray and windy and cold
it will be great when spring finally decides to show up
wtf? how does a season/weather pattern call out of work?

another night in the basement
I drank some coffee in the hopes of making progress
in the library books
a week overdue
whatever...

I could study the material for the test I blew off on Tuesday night
I could eat a mountain of goat shit too
both would be equally pleasing and affective

so instead of reading, I watched some Spartacus:GOTA
and now here I am
clackity-clacking out thoughts for all two of you
sometimes I think this blog is so boring, I don't even read it

I bet it bares incredible likeness to the composition pads, notebooks and journals started and left for dead over the years

first song to "work" when I popped open winamp
was, "nothing man" by pearl jam
I had to crack a smile at that,
even if, for lack of anything else,
wonderful irony

next song was, "Where I want to be" by Dangerous Summer
and nothing could be further from the truth
as beautiful of a place as this is
it makes me even more insane
there is little to distract myself from myself
yeah sure, there are plenty of places to go and walk
and look and relax
but all of these activities
let my mind set to wandering
and then Im possessed
by the voices
yelling at me
and asking questions which after almost
forty-fucking-years
I still dont have answers to

can't tell if I'm cold cause my blood sugar is low
or because Im sitting in a fucking concrete basement
and two inches of fresh powder blanket the sea grass
on the front lawn, back yard and
the rest of this, "great island."

april first and new snow
if thats not a kick in the nuts
I have no idea what is
all I know is when the sun shines
and I can get out of the box for a few hours
each day
jimmy feels somewhat better

still get caught up in
the, "I dont have what other people my age have" game
although, now, faster than ever
I'm falling fucking behind
my brother, with his high school diploma
a new three bedroom house
and putting together his own business
and why shouldn't he be successful
he didnt jump through the hoops like
me
he told the hoops to go fuck themselves
and the universe or whatever else is out there
said, "hey buddy, good job on being a crank! Here, have a good life, with our compliments."

it's a bitter pill to swallow
but being who I am
I barely fucking notice
too busy worrying about
whether my next job will be
bagging groceries
shoveling shit
or picking up heavy shit
and putting it down someplace else

suppose I should hit the hay
gotta get enough rest
so as to be able to go to the
gym
at first light
so I can pick heavy shit up
and put it down
in an effort to
keep the fucking
gun out of my mouth

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Joe Rogan...

2011-03-31T00:31:00.003-04:00

made me laugh my ass of tonight and it was just what I needed.

even though I was freezing, in my parents basement, with no job to speak of and even less direction in my life, the act of having to stifle my laughter, due to my parents sleeping above me, seemed to make things that much more funny

shit has been unseasonably real for me over the past 6 months

I've lost my job, my health care, my apartment, thank god my car is paid for is all I can say right now. Friends come and go and some when they know you need them most, seem to disappear like ghosts in the daylight

it's kinda tough to finally realize that "you" are the weakest link, the one most likely to train wreck, the fuck-up in your circle of friends. "Not all who wander are lost..." one of my favorite quotes and yet I can't help but feel no matter how bright the lamp in the lighthouse, it will pass me over

life is a fragile thing and sometimes I think sanity even more so. It's taking me more and more to accomplish less and less. seek out the little things, the things that make you smile or laugh or that warm your heart, what do you do when every thing means nothing and the only colors you see are varying shades of gray?

at one time I thought going to school to be a nurse was going to be my salvation, now I have run out of excuses to trick myself into caring. the thought of being in college, classes, labs etc, nauseates me and yet, what is my alternative?

live in my parents fucking basement, hoping for something good to happen? hoping for a miracle, a lottery ticket, the angel of death?

lately i've heard many people speak on how good things are earned through hard work and if you expect positive results, you need to put your nose to the grind stone and really bust your ass

Yeah, cause i've never done any of that...

*curse this consciousness and this life*

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

High Caloric

2011-03-23T08:26:00.002-04:00

I've never been one of those people who is uber concerned with counting crows, blue cars or calories, even when I was, "supposed to." However, since embarking on my renewed fitness regime, I noticed the old gray jackass ain't what he used to be and therefore, maybe we should start paying a little more attention to detail.

I had originally set a goal for myself of being a 36inch waist by my birthday. While I've made considerable progress, it's going to take ebola or an act of God for me to get to 36 by the dead line. While somewhat dissapointed with not achieving said goal...yet, I decided to look harder into what I'm eating.

Long and boring story short: large eggs all the way! Fuck jumbo eggs and the busted asses of the chickens who lay them. calorically large eggs just make better sense. I have seen no difference in cooking between the two, other than jumbo takes up more of the pan. Plus for me, it's hard to fool the stomach with the eyes. I can look at my 3 large egg breakfast and say, "Holy Shit, I just ate three eggs, what a fat-ass, time to hit the gym!" When I look at my two jumbo egg breakfast I say,"HTF is it that you guys are double in calories, don't take up as much space as your smaller bretheren and leave me wondering if the sense of being full varies at all" MR. JUMBO effin' EGG?

either way I end up going to the gym and doing something until I turn into a heaving, hump n' grunting, sweating like a hog of humanity inhumanoid. Come home shower, repeat do it again.

Anywho, today I'm going to have a long awaited coffee chat with Ink Buddy. As Aaron Lewis from Staind would say, "It's been awhile..." and I'm sure we both have a ton to talk about.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

adrift

2011-03-22T00:28:00.002-04:00

as I drove out past Anawan Cliffs, I knew with an aire of certainty, I would become hopelessly lost at some point. well as luck would have it, the force was strong in this one and not only did I NOT get lost, but I was able to come back in a way to be able to hit the "cheaper" gas station on my return home.

started the night after dinner, at the library, walking the stacks in relative peace and quiet but for the voices in my head and the troop of girl scouts arraning their next cookie social and trying to figure out how to keep more of the public from finding out they are outsourcing production of their uniforms to China. Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.

Decent workout today but rotator cuff is still messed up. I was however able to get a good bicept workout in. Something is better than nothing. I figure another couple of weeks and I should be right as rain.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

When it rains...

2010-07-02T19:13:00.000-04:00

it poors...

HK check your smumail...

Is this thing on? Man, I just want five seconds where I don’t have to think about: not being able to walk, losing my job, whether or not my medical leave will actually be approved, whether or not the hr rep is actually communicating with anyone else at my job, and the list goes on and on. I called and made about thirteen doctor’s appointments today. Endocrinologist, Podiatrist, General Practitioner....

WTF

About 15 minutes ago, my boss called me twice. My voicemail is full, he can’t leave me a message and to be honest, I have zero interest in speaking with him. I mean, I am out on leave, obviously something is seriously wrong with me that I’m not able to come to work.

Lots of clenching my jaw and headaches going on right now. I’m going to have to bite the bullet and just call him, for my own piece of mind, to make sure he has not decided to take the forces of evil into his own hands and try to get me fired/let go on his own power/authority/etc...

I FUCKING HATE THIS!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I went with Fightstar...

2010-06-25T17:15:00.002-04:00

today has been tough

my blood sugar was somewhat high to begin with this morning
and has been creeping its way down steadily...but slowly
to say I'm frustrated
hungry
and fucking tired of going to the gd bathroom
would be the understatement of the year right now

at least I was able to get a hold of the HR department at work
as of right now
I am on a medical leave of absence
so even though
I am somewhat crippled
I will have a job to go back to
which is somewhat of a weight
off of my mind

even though not being able to do
jack-shit
besides
read
sleep
eat
and put my foot up
is nice
I can think of about eleventy-billion other things I would rather do than
convalesce

time to make another trip to the bathroom
and maybe read for a while
...yay...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Frustrating to say the least...

2010-06-25T13:10:00.002-04:00

life on planet insulin was great up until this am. Woke up with a familiar, yet not so familiar feeling...
cotton-mouth and a pounding head-ache

as I had not ripped bong hits, nor drank beer like they were never going to make it again last night
I knew something was rotten in Denmark
check the bg level
180
WTF...FML...

now for those of you not in the know, 180 is not terrible, but it's not great
I've had waaaaaaay worse numbers before, not to brag
it just put a little damper on the beginning of my day
even more so after I took my meds, and checked 2 hours later
and I was only down to
170
WTFF!

so part of me thinks I'm moving back onto planet hungry
another part of me just thinks my body is being stubborn
we shall see who is right sooner, rather than later I hope

big plans for this afternoon include taking a shower
calling work
and maybe reading some

...can't get much more exciting than this...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I'm Calling Bullshit...

2010-06-22T23:24:00.003-04:00

on everything I'm about to say so, here is my disclaimer.

even though my life is mostly an open book, here on the old bloggerooni
there are some things I choose not to share with everyone
"What might those things be", you ask?

well its not the fact that I get less ass than a freshman chess team geek
with a bad case of blackheads
and a peg leg

or

the fact I've an unabashed love of bad music (fightstar, less than jake, owl city)

or the fact sometimes I think the voices inside my head, as well as my depression will be the end of me...

BUT

It could very well be my personal struggle with diabetes...

It's not something I mention here often
just cause I know how much I hate whining
so why would I subject you to it

Recently I was hospitalized for the second time in eight months
due to complications from my diabetes
I would like to say everything was going swimmingly before that
but I don't lie here so why start now

after my first hospitalization, one in which the skin on the bottom front of my foot fell off
I was back on the straight and narrow
diet
exercise
checking my blood sugar all the time

and then as it usually does
life got in the way
and I stopped testing my blood sugar
and due to working so much overtime
there was no time, nor energy to get to the gym
and my diet suffered, even beyond eating outside of what I know my diet to be

and again

I ended up in the emergency room of the local hospital on a Saturday night
with a foot that looked angrier than hell at me
and thoughts of amputation and such running through my head...

That's some tough shit to have to prep yourself for
especially at 37
especially when it is all preventable
especially when there was no one to point the finger at except myself

gratefully
I have the best podiatrist/podiatric surgeon on the planet
and minor surgery and iv antibiotics
fixed everything
well almost
see I have to go back to follow up tomorrow
and all has been well since then, besides being out of work, there have been no complaints from me

the biggest things I've taken away from this whole ordeal are these
you don't get an endless supply of "warning shots"
I am OLD and this means I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
I have the best family on the planet

During the course of the ordeal meds were switched around
changed, some eliminated altogether
I'm now on insulin

yep...I'm on the needle
once a day

for a guy who hates taking medication this is huge
and to be honest when they told me I was going to have to start shooting insulin, I was not sure how I felt about the whole situation
I mean it's not painful, but it is a pain in the ass and moreover, I STILL HATE TAKING MEDS
but since making the switch, my blood sugars have been great
I have felt better, I'm healing relatively well and the biggest change for me has been the ability to eat

When I was only on oral medication I was starving all the time. Literally walking around counting the minutes until the next time I could eat again
in some ways, that's like being in prison

There were days when I returned from the gym, after having worked out for and hour and a half, I would not be able to snack cause my sugar was, "just about where it should be..." which is fine & dandy but try going all day on little to no food. Trying to distract yourself/lie to yourself constantly that you're not hungry gets really old real quick. Now that I'm on the needle, I'm able to eat and feel full again.
I know what you are thinking...

"It's right back to pizzas & candy bars for this guy"

but it hasn't been bad at all
I eat
I feel satisfied
I go on with my day

I'm really interested to see how this will interact with my working out
once I am able to start up again
maybe there will be some wiggle room for cheats
but I'm not worried about that right now
and neither should you be ;)

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

the past ten or so days have been som...

2010-06-21T11:12:00.001-04:00

the past ten or so days have been somewhat trying.

At this point last week, I was enjoying my first full day in the hospital

as much as one can enjoy their time in the hospital

I had a hunch when I drove myself to the ER, I would be staying

so I packed a bag with the essentials

extra drawers

shorts

t-shirt

phone & charger

ipod & charger

NDS & charger

and of course my own personal assortment of toiletries

cause to be honest, that nonsense they give you to wash

up with in the hospital

is just plain nonsense

So I spent my time on the IV

taking pills

taking more pills

being hooked up to more IVS

and generally lamenting the fact I had to

sit on my ass and burn precious sick time

but I am fortunate in the fact I did not need to have anything

removed

or scraped or trimmed etc.,

yet another warning shot across my bow

but life has changed somewhat

as I am, "on the needle" now

and as far as I can tell, things seem to be going well

but again its an adjustment

and its hard

and not in a good way

my dad is right

when you have diabetes

you have to keep your mind occupied at all times

cause honestly idle hand DO the Devil's work

even if that work is only a sammich

Cause you can rationalize yourself out of a piece of carrot cake/bowl of ice cream/candy bar

but to say no to a turkey & cheese sandwich

when your stomach is YELLING at you

that my friend is a completely different story

So...I read and write and listen to podcasts

and game

and facebook

and dream of being able to work and work out again

can't rush things though

one day at a time

full steam ahead

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

The High Seas...

2010-06-05T02:32:00.000-04:00

at some point we all become lost

maybe its misguided or maybe or lack of direction is our own
at any rate, once again I'm fucking lost and looking to right the ship
turn it around
find the north star and sail on until morning

cause in reality things are not really that screwed up
I mean I have my family
and friends
I'm relatively healthy
and I don't go to bed hungry every night
far from it

so to be all down in the dumps and in despair is
well
just
foolish

for a while I thought the change in my mood was due to
my decision to
stop the prozac
but i'm back on the prozac
and though I feel somewhat better
things are not as they should be
so I have to work that much harder to get back to
day one

I'm ok with that
I can do that on my own
and be ok
cos honestly, I'm one of the
toughest
most resilient people
I know
and you can do and say whatever you want
but regardless of anything I've said then or now
you're still just a fucking blink in the time of my life
and I know you're not the only blink but if
you happen to be the last blink before
these tired eyes close
I'm ok with that

cos right or wrong
I've lived my life on the ropes
and I've never been knocked to the canvas
I can take anything and everything thrown at me
and just hitting these keys like punches thrown at me
I'm feeling better already
like the wheel is spinning
turning the ship around
finding that star
a course set
sailing straight on until morning

soon my light will rise

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

On the ropes...

2010-05-13T03:15:00.001-04:00

it was a long, long night at work

got in over three hours ago
just frustrated
brutalized
not giving a fuck

been off the prozac for like two weeks
thought things were going well
I feel fine
but
looking around, taking in my surroundings
things are not as they should be

so

some adjustments need to be made

and in the morning
no matter how tired I am
there will be
blood
sweat
and tears

and then I will come home
shower
and kick-start my motivation
again

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

instant ='s yucky!

2010-03-26T23:03:00.000-04:00

sometimes decaf just makes sense.

Right now is one of those times. I don't feel tired at all, have had two cups of coffee earlier in the day, and I'm hoping it's getting close to bedtime for me. Still, I want to write and often when writing, there is nothing like a cup of good coffee. Unfortunately for me, good coffee means brewing a pot, which means caffeinated coffee, cause really, who actually buys decaf beans?

I've been a grind and brew my own guy for awhile and the difference is not such that I can no longer enjoy “fast food coffee” but drinking shit, and paying to drink shit, just doesn't seem to make much cents to me... See what I did there? Of course you did, you're so smart!

tonight has been filled with nostalgia. I've been listening to music from the 90's, stuff I either heard to and from one of the awful fucking jobs I had or things that were either the soundtracks of dorm room conversations or even possibly bar room anthems. At any rate normally my nostalgia is accompanied by somewhat of a sense of sadness, loss or ennui.

Tonight there was none of that. I listened to music that reminded me of people and places who have helped make me who I am today. I've taken something from everyone I've met and all the places I've gone. I hope in most cases, I was able to give something back as well. You see, I like to think of myself as a giver.

Note to self: decaf coffee crystals are awful!

Lot of work coming up in the next few days. Can't say I'm looking forward to it either. Today is really my only day off this week and as far as accomplishing anything, I can't really say I got anything done. However, I have come back here, a place I've been neglecting, and to sit down and just bang out a post about what seems to be the boring minutia which makes up my life, just feels good and right. I did jack russell shit today. Watched Inglorious Bastards and oddly enough liked it. I don't normally care for Tarantino but found this film enjoyable.

Tomorrow, with my ipod being up and running again, it's time to head back to the gym in the am. Gotta get a good sweat & burn on early in the morning. Then it's shower, cook something and go to work. Hopefully there will not be time to run to home depot, staples and bed bath & beyond, as those are activities for people over 30, who enjoy being lame...oh wait, that could very well be me.

time to dump this dreck in the sink and go read a zombie book.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Wanna know what...

2010-01-11T06:41:00.000-05:00

what the last two things I thought before falling asleep were?

how the fuck am I going to wake up for 6am? & I bet being a garbage man is a pretty sweet gig.

first off, when you snap awake at 3:12am, like you know its the end of the world, getting up for work is
pretty low on your list of priorities. Unfortunately, falling back to sleep is also a bit challenging.
fortunately for me, I have several tried and true methods, all of which failed me last night.

so there is the issue of having to work a 16 hour shift on about three hours and twelve minutes sleep
and that my friends
just flat out sucks
to speak plainly
but
we're made of tough stuff here at Jackass Headquarters
and with any luck I won't kill or permanently maim anyone today

oh yeah
the garbage man gig
like seriously
usually, the gmen
are well compensated
don't have to listen to the trash talk back
and in some cases
work on their own
in trucks which pick up the trash for them

which would seem to me to be
pretty close to the perfect gig

if there is such a thing

cause when you don't have to worry about
all that other nonsense
it frees your mind and soul
to do other things
like sing a happy song
or
put time and thought into
other things
like
that book you want to
read or write
taking your dog for a walk
and even
how sweet the love
you are going to make
to your love
is actually going to be

but I just finished my coffee
so the only thing on my mind
is
Aw fuck...I gotta go to work.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Bought a new belt...

2010-01-06T13:24:00.003-05:00

In my business I see two kinds of people.

well maybe it's not as cut and dry as that but, most of the time it sure does feel that way.

there are those who can't help themselves and those who won't.

its hard for me to give a shit about the ones who won't help themselves because, to me, it just reinforces the time tested adage of, "you can lead a horse to water but, you can't make him think..." my co-workers and I offer a ton of direction and positive advice. however, more often than not, it falls on deaf ears. I get it, I'm not going to save everyone, nor should everyone be saved. I think Darwin would agree with me there. However, it would be a much needed shot in the arm, pat on the back etc,. to see something good happen once in a while.

im sure there are those of you who think I'm a bit, cold or unfeeling. In my business you almost have to learn to disconnect somewhat. if not, you'll be eaten alive, one way or the other.

its the ones who can't help themselves i'm haunted by. those are the ones I actually sometimes think about after my feet walk out the back door and i'm freed of work responsibilities. especially those who recognize their own shortcomings, to have someone verbalize to you that, "they hate themselves for being so crazy..." and deep down, you know they are indeed crazy, how does your heart not hurt just a little? we all carry a burden of some kind, a skeleton or two in our closets, but to know you are just not the same mentally, for whatever reason as the other members of society, "deemed fit to care for themselves, " that has to be a little fucked up.

with that, I need to eat and shower before another day of the grind. be grateful for your health, as relative as that may be. let those in your life know how much you appreciate them. live the life you dream about living.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The Wonderful Future...

2010-01-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

Hey 2010, where the fuck is my flying car?

Why can't I shower and dress like George Jetson?

let's not be a big fucking disappointment like oh nine.

at any rate

I've been up for just over two hours
early on a day off
bed made
coffee made
shoveling done
load of laundry done
breakfast eaten
wtf

thats what I get for not being able to sleep
not really sure what the cause of that was
but Im going to go with too much caffeine
definitely going to cut back on the coffee intake today
maybe not take the green tea tabs at dinner either
yes I got shit done
but paid a heavy price

glad the shoveling is out of the way
but I really wanted to go to the gym this am
as I was shoveling I could could hear
people in warmer climates
giggling as they completed lengthy
periods of beauty sleep

...and she wants me to move back to the midwest...

I'd have to be on crack rock

I want sunshine and palm trees
hot summers and with the possibility
of a shoreline breeze
baseball games on the weekend
thunderstorms to lull me to sleep
none of this
“were expecting a high of 60 today”
in the middle of june

I was fucking crazy last night
like manic
even for me
took a lot for me to pass out
though I didn't use the melatonin
should have
maybe would have slept better
six of one, half a dozen of the other

with my luck I would have slept past noon
missed the gym
missed the morning
and would have woken to
having to shovel
a foot and a half of snow
at least this way its all done
and even if there needs to be a touch up job
its not like Im going to be postal doing it

maybe I will even get to the gym today
either way

I hope you all are well.

Happy New Year & Cheers,
JJ

Yakkity Yak...

2009-11-18T08:37:00.000-05:00

I sit here and try and bang it out
there is no more coffee to drink before the cup goes cold
only a few hours left before work
another night filled with bullshit and frustration
it's time to look for another job
it's been time for several years
however
it's really fucking time to start looking now

you would think I would have more to write about
more to say
having just come from a 5 day stint in the hospital
but all I really have to say is,
“Sure as hell don't want to do that again.”

Learning experiences are great but you don't need to have them all at once.

been on the prozac awhile
I don't feel all that different
but everyone and their brother seem to think
I've made marked improvement

this is a good thing...I guess
not going to lie
tired of taking pills and feeling like
my life is not in my own control
but that's a big reason why
I was in the mess I was in two weeks ago

gotta work hard
do more, be more
this will reduce my
dependence on pills

one step at a time

this post sucks
but like I said
there really is
not much to say

so I sit here
going through
the motions
listening to the music
hoping for inspiration
that gift from on high
giving me the added lift
I'm going to need to get through the day

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Rochambeau...

2009-10-10T20:49:00.001-04:00

its 8-fucking thirty and there is no fucking going on

the biggest decision Ive made today is
which convenience store was going to
sell me dinner
wonderful...
I
know

no fucking, no dinner
at least not yet
dinner will consist of
vegetable soup
a turkey sandwich: served in a whole wheat tortilla
with
artichoke & spinach hummus
and american cheese
and
a delicious diet dr. pepper, 2009
a very good vintage
or at least that's what I was told

not feeling lonely
or alone
but almost like
I've run out of friends
or that
my life has taken a turn
towards full on mundane
and in addition
I've unknowingly taken up
residence on the moon

so many ways to keep in contact
email
twitter
facebook
IM
cellphone
landline
motherfucking skywriting
and part of me feels
like
no one will
answer no matter
how loud I yell

electric ladyland
providing brief reprieve
from
ho humming myself to sleep
wishing for time machine
or maybe just
a
lobotomy
so I can be happy
knowing I have a full belly
wearing pants that fit
without having to ask permission
to go to the bathroom

I want you to update
and you
and you too
to communicate
to admit to people
feelings & emotions
have not gone the way of the buffalo
or VHS
or dial up connections

to be more than
a fucking abercrombie/walmart/chevy/beer commercial
to want more
than everything being
force fed down our
throats
to
grab a warm drink
on a cold night
in a comfy sweatshirt
hold hands with someone
and watch a clear fall
night sky

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The Wayback Machine...

2009-10-03T13:50:00.000-04:00

when I was a young boy, young like
four years-old, not like my mid twenties
my parents, grandparents and various other family
would give me books that came with a play along cassette tape
yeah, I said cassette tape
I'm that old

anyway...

these books on tape, I think put out by Superscope
not only fostered and helped grow my love of reading
but also helped me to not hear the voices in my head
even at such a young age

in my teen years
I fell asleep to the white noise of am/fm radio
or whatever music I was listening to at the time
or quite possibly...I could have passed out
from the sheer exhaustion of high school
and later on, working 90+hours a week

when I eventually got to college
I was fortunate enough to have a roommate
who could not fall asleep unless
“Dark Side of the Moon” was on repeat
I swear I learned the lyrics to that disc by osmosis

when I had my own room
it was other stuff
jazz
instrumental
gregorian chant
whatever I could find to
expand my mind and be enough of a distraction
to get to sleep

and here I am
at thirty-something
still in need of silence
be it mental or otherwise
so I go to bed
with headphones on

and I'm drawn back to my childhood
'cause I'm still listening
stories
books via mp3
podcasts
still needing that voice
reassuring me things will be ok
that I can go to bed
get rest

that I've done a good job
and deserve to rest for the day
be it for an hour or four
or on the odd night twelve

I've tried going to sleep sans headphones
failed attempts on more nights than not
make me wonder how I'm
ever going to
fall asleep in
the big boy bed
should I ever be tall enough
to climb up...in...and under the covers

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Hot Coffee...

2009-09-29T11:40:00.002-04:00

I”m trying to get in touch with my inner dork this morning.

We've lost contact over the past year or so
it's time to reconnect
there is
a cup of coffee
the clackity-clack of the keyboard
and of course
my first love
music

without it...well my life would probably seem
less dramatic
but at any rate, I'm rediscovering great bands
long forgotten

as I sit here and pound out this post
“left and leaving” by The Weakerthans
is haunting both iTunes and me
such a great disc from a phenomenal band
no more

Isn't that always the way?

I started tearing my bathroom up this weekend
which is pretty freaking hilarious as
I am totally not the, “This Old House” type
but when you hate where you live
and have some extra time on your hands
maybe experience really is the best teacher
at least
“that's what she said...”

wanted to take “before & after” photos
but of course, my digital camer decides to break
as I am about to go to work
so there is something else I can spend money on
at least I will be getting something with way more megapixels
than the last one I had
just a point and shoot...nothing to fancy

it's officially fall and we all know what that means for this guy
the beginning of seasonal depression
I'm hoping the lack of a real summer will either
help ease the symptoms of my seasonal depression
or maybe PLEASE GOD it will pass over me
if I nail my copies of my cure cds to my front door
perhaps the angel of sadness will not stop at my house

he says as he listens to, “The Weakerthans...”

music that makes me think of specific times, places and people
a long weekend in Duluth
when my body didn't creak and grown like this old house
and her red hair and mischievous smile were a common sight
ah nostalgia!

To be honest I don't even feel very sad
and I won't even attach a yet, yet
maybe it's cause I'm too mired in anger and frustration
maybe my mind and body and soul are too tired
maybe it's another thing I've out grown

like asthma
not sleeping all weekend
and tinker toys

Have a great day. I'm going to try to.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Mayday Mayday

2009-09-22T11:13:00.001-04:00

Things here in the Ocean State are pretty much S.O.S

Paul E. Parker's post from ProJo.com sheds some light on the seemingly never ending economic decline we're in.

While I don't claim to have the answers to fix this problem or any answers at all for that matter, what I do know is blame storming those out of work, as well as those trying to find work, is pointless.
Speaking as someone with a full time job, trying to pursue an education, kicking those who are down is not going to motivate anyone to try and better their situation. If anything it's going to drive more people to feel even more entitled to, “Suck up more of your free tax dollars.” Let's look at facts. 1. Rhode Island and the Northeast have historically been hardest hit by any type of local/national economic crisis. Moreover, we are also the last nationally to pull out of the aforementioned hardships. 2. The national economy is in disarray, (not that this is a surprise) with no forecast of improvement. 3. The lack of good jobs, not great jobs, jobs that pay a livable wage and offer some reasonable health benefits, make playing the powerball seem like a more worthwhile opportunity.

So, before all of you, “hard workers, self-made men and women and those more fortunate than the rest of us” start bad mouthing those trying to keep off of skid row, why don't you take a minute to be grateful for all you have. Count all of your fucking money, access to good, affordable health care, nutritious food, and a warm, clean, safe place to sleep at night and shut the fuck up!

The early bird...

2009-09-21T08:53:00.001-04:00

Don't worry Mom, someday I'll get to bed before 3am. I just don't see that time coming soon.

Last night was sufficiently terrible at work
long...long...long night
the kind where you get out and realize
there was not time
to
eat..shit...or breathe

not that anyone should do all of those things at the same time
but I do recommend breathing as much as possible
so I got out
went to the 24 drug store
cause I needed a Diet Dr. Pepper like whoa
realized I was starving having not eaten since
lunch
like 4 slices of chicken breast, horseradish sauce, american cheese, low carb wrap
so at 11:45
it wasn't delivery, it was DiGiorno

I was amped someone has finally made a pizza you can microwave vs. bake
since I have been hinky about using the oven, almost burning the house down
making nachos 2 summers ago
who knew tortilla chips had such a low flash-point
...
came home
pizza
DDP
season premier of Fringe via hulu
Jeebus I love me some hulu
then bed
lulled to sleep by the sweet sounds of Hearing Voices podcast
I also love me some podcasts and NPR

woke up not four hours after laying down
bathroom
change of clothes
log on
jack in
get the news for the day

I really could give a shit about pop culture
not even anywhere near the music snob / fan
I once was
maybe I am getting old and curmudgeonly
I must be, since I can spell that word

here we are at Monday, actually my Tuesday
and all I can think about is where the hell did my weekend go
and why was there not more fun involved?

but a good amount of good work got done
so I guess there was a bright spot in my universe
hopefully this will be the start of yet another prosperous period in my life
jeebus knows, I could use it.

starting with a new shrink this Thursday
not sure how I feel
I mean, obviously I'm for it
as I am still going
I just hope he's not one of these pill-pushing jackasses
otherwise this is going to be over faster than
Tara Reid's “serious” acting career

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Batten down the...

2009-09-06T03:21:00.000-04:00

hatches.

I cant help but feel an overwhelming sadness
not like, “Oh poor fucking me...” sadness
just a general, “here comes the rain again” sadness
one I've been through before
have weathered
and am sure I will go through in the not so distant future

Could be the time of year
the change of season
lack of sunlight
or just some wackiness
involving the chemicals in my brain
but from now to about mid-January
the emotional roller coaster
is non-stop

I suppose there are drugs
but in all reality
I've taken what I've taken
and I really don't feel like
they make me any better
in fact, if anything else there is an increased inability to be creative
and I sure as hell don't want to be making
anyone rich from making me miserable

3:18 in the am and the valerian root
can't kick in fast enough
I want to sleep
to dream
to forget
not be aware
of this hell my life has become

no more tests
trials
tribulations
or whatever
just peace
and quiet
and solitude

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Just in case...

2009-08-21T03:48:00.002-04:00

you are wondering, the world will end on a Thursday.

How do I know, you ask? It's really simple to be honest, my work week ends on Thursday. Therefore, in order for me to get to my weekend, I would have to survive the impending end of the world, apocalypse, whateveryouwanttocallit to get to the weekend.

If you know me, as some of you do, that shit just won't happen, cause it's the end of motherfuckin time and when the clock runs out... shit, it's game over!

Oddly enough tonight at work went by quickly, but it was hairy at times.

I'm not getting into specifics here cause well, that's just fucking boring but let's say there were flashing lights, police and maybe an ambulance or two.

After it all, I came home and all I wanted was a delicious snack, a cold shower and someone to play with my hair as I fall asleep. The shower was fucking fabulous, as for the rest of that shit, supposedly its still on it's way. The purchase order said the order will be filled by one: Claus, Santa, whoever the fuck that is?

It's 4am and while I would love to be asleep, something is keeping me awake. I know I have a ton of shit to do later on, stuff that just flat out needs to get done.

A LIST! I NEED TO MAKE A LIST TODAY.

bank
doctor
hair cut
phone calls
bunch of other stuff

with any luck, I'll get it all done and then some

Need to get some shut eye

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Today was kind...

2009-08-18T18:01:00.002-04:00

of a wash.

Woke up with just enough time to
bang down some protein
put on work out gear
and drive

got to the gym ten minutes
before spin
put shoes on
stretch
fucking spin is cancelled

...

all dressed up and nowhere to go

...

I guess I could have stayed at the gym
worked out
throw some iron around
but it just seemed to make more
sense to leave and try and knock off
a few of the 247,832 thing to do
on my "get it done" list

so off I drove
back home
in a mere two and a half minutes
spin shoes off
lawn mowing shoes on
in heat similar to that of spin class
and Oh Yes, there was sweating done.

The grass got cut
and I felt like I had somewhat
of a workout
cause if you were as sweaty as I was
and didn't workout
or
get some of that sweet, sweet lovin'
I keep hearing the kids talking about
then get thee to a doctor
cause you gone die!

shower
attempted to get faux hawk
to short
maybe next week

I'm sitting here banging the keys
and a slight breeze blows in from the back yard carrying with it the scent of maple syrup or at least that's what my brain processes it as, which makes me think of oatmeal and cold winter mornings before school, which, is odd since I don't think I ever ate breakfast in the AM much after grade eight, and now I eat oatmeal all the time, regardless of the weather, because it is good for you

food seems like
a necessity and a good idea
chicken parm, maybe eggplant
maybe tuna and hot sauce
I'm not sure what dinner is going to bring

however
I do know there will
be stretching and ab work
and road work
yes that's right bitches
this guy is going to do some of what is known as jogging
its that time
and I've got
a
number
to
reach.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Sometimes...

2009-08-13T01:11:00.003-04:00

you get presented with gifts
that
for whatever reason
you swear can't be real

things beyond your wildest
dreams
prayers
imaginations

things you're sure
belong to someone else
so you try to give them back
to
put them back
where ever you think they
belong

and yet
they come back to you
even though you don't believe
and you have to think
the devil or whomever
is fucking with you

because you want to
feel
touch
taste
smell
hear
revel
in the victory, so bad it's killing you

something so uncommon
you don't know what to do with it
so you panic
and hold on tighter than ever before
trying not to choke the life
out of your gift

and finally just when
you are in the throes of despair
and have lost all hope
she says, "I'm not going anywhere"

gasping that first breath above
the surface you realize
it's going to be ok
and to just breathe
and live one day at a time

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Shift....

2009-08-04T04:20:00.001-04:00

Strange things are a foot

by the grace of the internet I've been reconnected
with someone I never in a million years
thought I would see or hear from
ever again

at first I wasn't sure how to feel about it
over time
it has grown on me
and I dare say, it's probably the best thing
to happen to me in the last five years
if not in my life

thats not to say there is not a ton of
bullshits and frustration in my life
there are still
broken water heaters, refrigerators
and bills aplenty to be paid

but now there also are
late night conversations
filled with “what ifs”
and “let's make plans to”
which is new ground
uncharted territory
so to speak

and I have to admit
even though the butterflies
still have a home in my stomach
I smile a little more each night
before I fall asleep

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Happy You're in love...

2009-06-16T00:57:00.000-04:00

yo

I'm listening to Frou Frou
and typing the hey nonny-nonny
things continue to be the bullshits
but I guess its ok cause its summer
or at least thats what they tell me
someone should call Al Gore
and tell him to not be so hard on the Sun
cause that fucker is feeling so bad about himself
he might not come around until Rocktober
then whats the point

brother gets married this weekend
muy excited for him
and her
mostly for them
and my parents
someone should be able to provide
them with grandchildren

not this guy

I have a hard enough time dressing myself
solving for x
and getting up on time
let alone
being in charge of another living being

not that I don't have plenty of love to give
cause I sure do
I sure do...but in the grand scheme of things
I want to have me on the straight and narrow
or at least not clipping coupons and eating
noodles 6 meals a week
having to decide between school tuition
or a gym membership

or maybe that other thing

whatever or whoever that may be

the one I think about on any day ending in Y
the one I listen to from Mon to Thursday with
the one I want to sit back and
jaw jack with
sip cocktails with
laugh from Friday night
til
Sunday morn with

or maybe I'll just take a dump and go to bed

ugly time comes early and I'm working a double

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

seriously...

2009-06-13T03:49:00.000-04:00

it's 3:10 am on Saturday morning and because I'm sitting here
waiting for my virtual grapes to be ready to harvest
yeah, you heard me right...virtual grapes
the excitement in my life has skyrocketed
to a Friday night spent virtual farming

to be completely fair
I was up early today
went to the gym and probably worked a little to hard
went for green tea with “the w”
and then went to work for a training
again on my day off

so even though my day was not action packed
I did get stuff done
while going places
and taking care of business

still
its not all its cracked up to be
I'm sore in places I don't think should be sore
like my neck
then again, that can just be work related stress

fuck work
thank God the economy is so bad
otherwise I would have to spend free time
looking for a job
eff that

the only things I hate more than work are
looking for a job and
moving
I can't decide in what order those would fall
but I still hate them.

in other news...

my brother gets married next weekend
I am nervous and excited all at the same time
best man duties have been bestowed upon me
and while I am honored and relieved
there are parts of me wound unbelievably tight with stress

but I'll get through it
just call me grace
like “grace under pressure”
or clutch
some of you know how I tend to excel
when the 11th hour draws near

virtual harvest completed
new crop replanted
time to grab some zzzz
ugly time comes soon

I hope you all are well

Cheers,
JJ

GROW GODDAMN YOU...

2009-05-27T03:24:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here in a space that smells like burnt microwave popcorn.

*sigh*

that fucking smell takes forever to leave
to be honest, I don't even remember when I last burn microcorn
but I do watch a great deal of movies
so it might actually not be that long ago

I'm sitting here clackity-clacking
waiting for my virtual grapes
to be ready to harvest
I know...I know...
it doesn't get much more exciting than this
and why am I still single again?

whatever

decent weather is almost consistent here
so thats one in the plus column
been working out regularly
feel good
look better
need to keep going

car is fucked
like Im done with it
soon as I have some money
going to see if I can get
a toyota yaris hbx
if for nothing else just to have reliable transport
to school
fuck work...I can walk to that nonsense

latest audio addiction is fightstar
english post hard core...whateverthefuck
that means
hum was posthardcore/math rock
these guys sound completely different
but I like them

thank you emusic.com

drinking crystal light
pomegranate lemonade
its got shit in it
to help your skin
we all know how much I need that
bf of a friend codenamed this libation
codename delicious
funny and true

brother gets married in less
than
a
month

*bangs head on desk*

color me frustrated
if I were a crayon
Id be failure
not really
but its starting to feel
like that more and more
damn you depression
need to hit the eliptical
hard later on in the am
therefore
I need to go to bed

I hope you all are well

Cheers,
JJ

Yes...

2009-05-26T20:06:00.001-04:00

I'm even hungry enough that I would eat a gas station sandwich. However I think a trip to the local market is in order.

I hope you all are well,

JJ

By the power of Greyskull...

2009-05-22T07:28:00.001-04:00

I managed to make it to another weekend

I'm also grateful the weather decided to hold out for me, even if it is only for today.

I'll be heading to the gym shortly to get my sweat n' grunt on
gotta try and make it through one more day
another day of self improvement
get myself out of this funk
success starts with day one
and it seems to always be day one

still haven't finished that book I've been telling you about
maybe today
depends on if I have time to get out in the yard and sit
maybe after the grass is cut
sounds like a whole lot of maybe going on
story of my life

I'm loving anything by Imogen Heap right now
she's a singer/songwriter
in case you were wondering why
you weren't finding her on the shelves
at your local booketeria

light breeze just blew in the window
kind of nudging me
“hey...fat kid...let's go”
time to finish my coffee
head to the gym
get ugly
and live my life

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Over & Over...

2009-05-18T02:23:00.000-04:00

I'm getting headaches
tension...anxiety...maybe anxsion
either way they can go fuck themselves
cause I know they are work related, driven by work, caused by having to
show at a place that makes me crazy
but I know I have to endure cause I need
health insurance and otherwise I will
shrivel up and die

or

at
least that is what
I
have been made to believe

so...yeah, newsflash: the economy is in the shitter
everyone and their brother is out of work
and if you are lucky enough to still have job
your employer holds it to your head, asking
“do you feel lucky punk?”

I like what I do
I'm very good at what I do
but there is only so much weight you can pile on the camel
before the camel tells you, “go fuck yourself...”

right now I'm trying to clear the dust out of my mouth
forcing facial muscles to form words
trying to catch enough breath
to push them out of my lungs

In other news...

writing class starts this week
not sure why I'm doing this
the only person I write for is me
in notebooks
journals
sometimes here on this blog

my fucking head is killing me
time to crunch down some:
melatonin, DDP & call it a day

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Bullshit Weather Report...

2009-05-06T07:40:00.000-04:00

It's 7:23 in the morning
I've been up almost an hour
went to sleep way to late last night
at least my brain & body feel that way

started the day off with an,”Oh shit...” moment
1 and ½ to 2 tablespoons of coffee per 8 ounces of water
for a cup
not 8 tablespoons and 16 ounces of water

never have been able to get the whole, “math thing”

I dwnldd, “A Positive Rage” by The Hold Steady the other day
really want to listen to it but I know I'm not in the right frame of mind
at least not yet
no coffee, no breakfast, no gym, no Hold Steady...at least not yet

So I substitute
Husker Du's, “Candy Apple Grey”
which seems appropriate
as I look out the window to see the weather not cooperating again

c'est la vie

what else is new right?

first couple of sips of coffee down, things will be alright
I concede...I give...I'm old
at least I feel it
I long for the days of 19 when 4 hrs of sleep was as good as
8 or ten
but not quite as good as the debut album by pearl jam
though some would argue with me
thats fine
many pj songs stand the test of time

I'm fighting the urge to go back to bed/take a nap/get unconcscious in my recliner
spell check just told me I spelled unconscious wrong and I can't figure it out
better luck next time I guess
need to go to the gym and get ugly
I mean like disgustingly sweaty
gross
to the point where I wonder if it's my own ass I'm smelling
burn some fat
burn the candle at both ends

I'm in the middle of a good book
a memoir
seem to be on a non fiction kick
tell you about it when I'm done

probably have more to say
but can't untangle it all
not right now
so I leave it to you

I hope you all are well...

Cheers,
JJ

Here We Go Again...

2009-03-06T03:38:00.001-05:00

I know i've spoken about the wonder which is Pandora so I will leave it be
but just so you know, it's kicking my ass right now...in a good way.

I had today off and I guess I was tired cause I ended up sleeping late
obscenely late
like so late I'm embarrassed to say how late here
but since I wasted most of the day unconscious, I opted not to attend a training today
so I'm not one step closer to a raise my place of employment neither wants, nor is able to give
me

Reef called and asked me to come over and hang out
since we haven't seen each other since Abe Lincoln was voted captain of his high school debate team
I drove over
she made me a steak with Montreal seasoning
there was wine
I opted out since
I'm in training

We talked of work, our current economic situations, the lack of love in our lives
she recommended some glasses of wine
again I refrained, for fear I would turn into a weepy mess
not from sadness but frustration
I'm just back from being laid off
I don't want / need to go there again

Tomorrow we have the company, “welcome spring” party
Reef revp'd for me without asking
so I will go
and hang out with a bunch of people
who sent out letters this week
telling those who were laid off
“they are weak staff, therefore the layoff”

Personally I think its all bullshit
and I'm not really in a partying kind of mood
Reef said we should hold hands all night
just to stir up the pot a little
I remember the last time I played “pretend”
last time I did, it was the most painful game I've ever played

I think it was the Backstreet Boys who sang
“Quit Playing Games with My Heart” but don't quote me on that

While I haven't been here a lot, there has been writing going on
maybe at another secret location, like a livejournal
or one of those composition notebooks, you know what I'm talking about
the ones the “less fortunate” kids got made fun of for having
cause their notebooks didn't have pictures of Snoopy, My Little Pony or some other bullshit
and now every “dark and brooding emotional soul” commits feelings to paper in them
making them seem trendy
whatever

Hey Hammmaah...

2009-02-11T01:54:00.001-05:00

I got forced to work longer than usual tonight.

Not that I mind the overtime, but when you've had a long shift
and you are anxious to get out, get home and get your pants off
another hour and a half added on to the end of the night is like
a major bite in the ass

but I made it home
alive
not alive with the glory of love
but alive

just finished House
can't decide if I want to
write
read
or maybe just listen to podcasts till I fall asleep

I'm not in school this semester
I thought I would be angrier about that
maybe I would be if I thought there were more
I could have done about it

just makes me hate money that much more

Which makes me realize
my next check
the one without 20 over time hours
is going to be nowhere near as fat as the past one

Tis hard not be somewhat let down buy that
considering I will be in the City of Angels
in less than two months
vacation requests need to go in yesterday

Need to get taxes done
need to get hair done
need for my nursing degree to be done
need needing stuff to be done

Tomorrow, if I am a good guy
I will wake early enough
to get to the post office
and gym before work

too bad I had my black hat on today
and my black shirt
cause you know what 3rd Bass says about that

maybe I deserve the gas face...
methinks not

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Thaw...

2009-01-30T03:27:00.001-05:00

I haven't written shit lately 'cause there hasn't been shit to say.

but tonight breaks the silence.
I just feel like I need to download some shit
clear my head so to speak
just bang it out

I'm not in classes this semester due to some financial shit
that makes me pretty angry
life is all about math, money and numbers
at least that's how it seems to me

So when I'm going to work, wishing I was doing something else
I can think about all the money I'm spending to get my grades released
so I can spend more money
and go to more school...so I can go to work

yeah

At work tonight I slipped on the ice
I fell and broke my ass
and possibly my iPod, in my jacket pocket
of the hip I went down on

I haven't even checked to see what the damage is yet
cause if the iPod is a fatality
I'm going to be really pissed
cause I don't have the dough to replace it

and that shit will come in really handy on my trip to Los Angeles in April

if it's not a fatality that is...

So there will be summer classes
and a whole shit load of credits next fall
cause I can't do what I'm doing much longer
I need a break and a raise

right now I have more PTO than God and no time or money to go anywhere

Last week even God said, “damn man, you need a vacation!!”
“ain't that the truth” I said
and a case of Diet Mug Root Beer and a case of Diet Dr. Pepper fell from the sky
and God said, “For all you do, these 2 litres are for you...”

and me and the man upstairs winked and fist bumped one another

It's an odd thing, fist-bumping the almighty
stings and tickles at the same time
but goes really well with the winking
at least that's how I felt

at any rate...

I'm still all set with this winter shit
people who live in snowy or colder places
are just crazy or masochistic or both cause
fuck that...who needs it?

cause whats better than
a tangerine, a cool drink
a beach chair and some sunny quiet time
6 inches of powdery-white back ache?

fuck that.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The score in my head...

2008-12-04T11:14:00.001-05:00

Even when...

2008-11-30T07:15:00.001-05:00

I'm all fired up and pissed off, this can make me smile.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
jG

Spoiler Alert....

2008-11-30T03:29:00.000-05:00

In case you are looking for a laugh out loud or feel good post of the week, this is not the place to come. Right now I'm trying to figure out how, we as humans, have reached a point in time where we will trample someone to death to get a bargain on a product, that is a WANT and not a NEED. IF you have no idea what I'm talking about, check it out here.

Things, bling, stuff...we chase all of this stuff, myself included. However, I've never been at a point where I wanted something so bad, I said to myself, “I'm going to get the new Kelly Clarkson cd and I'm going to walk over any motherfucker who gets in my way, cause I deserve it and want to be the first person to put my hands on it.” In addition to getting caught up in the pursuit of meaningless minutia, I've also worked for the devil himself and know full well what Wal*Mart Stores are capable of. There will of course be the code of silence applied to all store personnel and I'm sure jobs will be threatened. Wal*Mart will also employ more spin than a pro-bowler to the media. Damour, the poor soul, trampled to death at the Valley Stream Wal*Mart, was first listed as a hire from a temporary agency, hired to do maintenance in the store.

Sounds plausible enough, he could have been there washing floors or performing other night shift, janitorial duties. Maybe he was actually fixing something like the door, that ultimately gave way and led to his demise? At any rate, one day after this tragic event, I'm reading stories trying to make it appear as if Damour could have possibly been employed as one of the hired, extra security staff. FUCK YOU WAL*MART and FUCK YOU CORPORATE AMERICA! More blood is on your hands and motherfuckers don't think that people are not watching. Let's not leave it up to the temp agency to insult Damour's family by sending them flowers. Wal*Mart should pay for all burial expenses and set up Damour's family for life. Will they? Probably not. There will be some lame excuse like, “the local authorities are looking into this to determine if there will be any criminal charges filed...” YOU BET YOUR SWEET REDNECK ARKANSAS ASS THERE WILL BE CHARGES. Charges of Criminal Negligence, among other things, but what's worse is when you have all the money in the world and an even better legal team, there is no way any of those charges will ever hold up in court.

Still feel good? Still smiling...ok. How about this one?

8 Year old who vowed his 100th spanking would be his last, kills dad.

Anyone see a problem with that? No, I'm not talking about the murder part. I'm talking about a case of criminal neglect, child abuse and a bunch of other things we are probably not privy to.

There is no reason an eight year old should have been spanked one thousand times. None. I'm sorry, you can tell me I don't know what it's like cause I don't have kids and you're right I don't, but I also have been a child and know what spanking is. In addition to that I work with abused children and see every fucking day, the emotional and psychological damage done to kids by parents who don't have any right applying for a library card, let alone having a child. Here's a quick parenting tip: Set expectations. Just like this poor boy did, “Hey the thousandth time you spank me, I'm going to kill you...” He let them know, he kept track, think those spankings didn't mean too much? Think again.

We're turning into a bunch of fucking savages...

I hope you all had a great holiday weekend and remembered what is important with those you love.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

2008-11-29T05:15:00.003-05:00

too tired to put anything of any worth down, but I can let you know it is 5:15am and sleep is nowhere to be found.

I'm tired, sore and just want to find a way to put my mind to rest...

so, it's off to download more podcasts and then hopefully to sleep.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Shocker...

2008-11-19T11:11:00.002-05:00

went to bed at 4:20am this morning, insert corny stoner joke here...

watched Scarface for the first time ever and didn't know it was two hours and fifty minutes long. Enjoyed the movie but still am not convinced it's Pacino's best work. At any rate here are the things winding my clock.

Gas prices...

Has anyone noticed how gas used to be eleventy billion dollars a gallon and now here in the good old ocean state, you can drive to your local stop and shop and get it for about $1.89 a gallon? Shit, I thought I drove through a wormhole the other day and got transported back to 1999. How? When? WHY did gas prices start to drop?

Methinks this is the calm before the storm...

There has been some rumbling about a plan. One that would free the U.S. from dependence on foreign oil and one that could both create jobs in America and help put cleaner running, more fuel-efficient cars on the road. Where is said plan coming from? From Texas of course! Read all about it right here. While people marvel over the idea that gas prices could fall back down to almost reasonable rates, they forget that the surge in non-natural gas prices will continue. Moreover the addition of these new cars will encourage the gas companies to hump us for as long as possible. Pickens predicts gas being $5/gallon as early as next summer... HOLY JUMPING CHRIST!!! Time for this guy to buy a moped.

Down with the King...

Thanks to Ktech for this update on our favorite fast food royal.

Burger King to go high-end...

Ok, let's be honest, when we think fast food, we're in a rush, are caught up in the tornado of stress eating or it's 2:30 / 9:30 in the morning and you've tried to drink like you're in college again and needs the grease to keep from being D.O.A from a hangover...

but really do the clown, the king or that little red-headed slut ever evoke an image of a high-er end food experience? Maybe so, but only after about 6 hours of mario-kart and countless bong rips...

For Burger King to think they will pull business away from the casual restaurant, and I'm assuming they mean the, Chili's, TGIFridays, Ground Rounds, Perkins of the country versus other fast food shits... is sheer lunacy.

Ribs? Are you kidding me? Look at a competitors business model. Rockdonald's only brings out the McRib once a year at MOST cause it give the general public time to forget how shitty it actually is! Ribs...King please! Thick-er burgers... Shit, I got roped into the angus-steakhouse-porkpackge-whatever-you-want-to-call-it burger once...ONCE! Supposedly, the higher grade meat contributes to a better tasting burger.

Hmmm...maybe this is true back in soviet russia, cause the steakhouse burger I got tasted like someone kicked the asshole out of an out-to-pasture stud horse and then put it on some high-falutin' bullshit roll versus the sesame seeded bun we've come to love and be addicted to. Long story short, having to retool your restaurants with equipment to allow the cooking of ribs and thick-er burgers in this economy is just tomfoolery...plain and simple. Fear not as the dollar menu is not going anywhere. This is a god-send cause I know when my ass is in a knot, nothin' fixes it quicker than a rodeo cheeseburger or two and a diet coke.

Finally...

Pat riots on the Pat-riots

Tom Brady, easy on the eyes, seems to be a nice guy, heck of a quarterback, sold his sole to the devil to go 19-0....ooops went to the well one to many times.

Senior Touchdown is getting bent over by the gossip rags and websites for being seen “walking unaided” around town with Gisele. Am I a life long New Englander, yes. Am I a Patriots fan, yes. Do I think Tom may not be taking his injury and rehab as seriously as he should be...maybe yes, maybe no, but let's not forget some stuff. I can go to work everyday of the week and chances are I can screw up. If I do, no big deal, learn from it and move on. When I leave there is not a press corps waiting to interview me on how bad I feel about blowing it for the team and the scores of fans. Next, even though work can sometimes get pretty hairy, there are not people trying to kill me every weekend, nor are there bounties placed on my head by my coworkers. Let's face it being a QB in the NFL can be the sweetest job, in Brady's case or the worst job, where ultimately you wind up getting in about 5-10 car accidents in one day. Yes, it's a game and these men on their pedestals get millions of dollars to play a game but how much lifelong physical and mental damage can we put a price on?

Now I know some may say well Tom is out screwing around and not rehabing or supporting the team. Fair enough, but when you're thinking that, just remember the days you've called out “sick” or just needed a mental health day and then think about the pressure on Brady. Fact of the matter is if I had the resources and lawyers Tom did, no camera-toting jackass would speak to me like that...ever.

Let's drink till we can't feel feelings.

Yours in Pawtucket,
--Pawtucket Pat

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Beginning of a tough weekend...

2008-11-17T02:23:00.003-05:00

even though by the time you read this, it will already be Monday.

Friday had the potential to totally suck rocks but gratefully it got better. Started off having to wake at 0'Dark:30 because the furnace man was coming to work in the rental unit. Yours truly needed to be awake to let him in. So I was, a half hour before he arrived. I thought a half hour was respectable enough for me to not look like I just rolled out of bed. However it was cold and my hoodie and pajama pants didn't help. I totally looked “go college.”

furnace man shows up and seems to be a decent enough guy, minimal small talk, gets right to work. As I am leading him down to the turn-of-the-century basement, mom calls my cell...

Yes, I'm up.
No, I'm up...really.
I'm not 19 anymore...I'm responsible.
He's right here next to me, want to talk to him?
Furnace guy: Can you go and turn the thermostat as high as it will go?
I'm on it.
No mom, that was the furnace guy.
What?
Bad news...go ahead.

and then she hit me with it...

My dog had passed on. Maybe passed on is not the right way to describe it, cause my dad had to put him down. But mom said, “we lost Buster...” as if he was misplaced. For a moment, I really hoped he had ran out of the house and was on the lamb, but deep down I knew what she meant. A 14 year-old bassett hound does not run away from a fireplace, two hots a day and probably as many walks, especially not when he has someone who loves him as much as my dad did.

There was more small talk between my mother and I, not that I can recall what was said, but, we exchanged good byes. I hung up and for a second sat down and just wished the fucking furnace man could be done. I wanted a few seconds alone. Maybe not to wail and gnash my teeth but, if I did want to do that, it would be ok.

he came upstairs about 15 minutes later, handed me a bill and then started with the small talk again. Asking if, “I had grown up in this area?” I told him he had and he name dropped some names on me. Names from my childhood and early adolescents. Names of kids who used to beat the shit out of me and torment me just for fun. Three brothers, two legit, one adopted, all mostly assholes. One is a cop, the other owns his own landscaping business and the third..well he just looks like a full-time prick. Driving around in his Mercedes convertible, trying to not let his thinning hair and bald spot show.

I didn't regale furnace man with tales of times gone by. I wanted him to go so I could be alone and start my day. He left. I took some time to think about my dog. I cried. I'm not above admitting it. There are certain bonds when created it takes a death to end them. My bond with Buster was good but not as strong as his bond with my father. For whatever reason my parents don't really associate with a whole lot of people. Not to say they're shut-ins or snobs but they still work a great deal and volunteer, so their free time is limited and often they just want alone time, much like myself.

My dad would get up every morning and go to the bathroom, take his pills and feed Buster. After Buster ate there was a quick walk and then dad and Buster would hop in the car. They would drive off the island to Tim Horton's where my dad would get a coffee and donut combo. The coffee for my dad, the donut for Buster. From what both my parents tell me, Buster was quite a hit at the drive-thru and usually he was salivating just waiting to pull into the window.

My dad grew up an only child, in a cold house, not to say he was not loved, but communication was not a strong suit of either my paternal grandparents. Grandad ha seen some shit in WWII and afterward, worked for the FBI for a short time. My grandmother, armed with a high school education, worked as a nurse for about a hundred years. After retiring, she donated about two thousand gallons of blood and did hospice visits or something or other. My dad had a good child hood, like me he was a fat kid, but I'm sure he wanted for nothing. He grew up with three or four great friends, two of which he is still in contact with and occasionally sees. Buster however, was a constant. Always around, always looking to see what my dad was up to...where he was going...and if there might be a treat involved.

The last two dogs my family has had have been bassetts. Rosebud, Busters predecessor, died early, we think she ate some rat poison and hemorrhaged to death cause our local vet was, “too busy” to take her. Buster on the other hand lived to be fourteen and had been in declining health. My dad was away at a conference when Rosebud died. I think he felt some sense of responsibility, I'm not sure why.

Dad was the only one around when the vet found a softball sized tumor on Buster's spleen. Mom told me that he called her at work, she has been working at the school she retired from just to pick up some extra money. “Wait...wait..wait..let me be there with you, “ she told me she told my father over the phone. He told her, “not to worry, that he could do this and not to bother leaving work.” He was the only one around when he made the decision. He was the only one around when his best friend was put to sleep.

Even now, there is a part of me that wants to know what was going through his head at that point. Not because I want him to relive a major tragedy in his life, but to gain from his experience. My dad has always been the greatest example of strength to me and I'm sure he felt anything but strong at that point. Part of me wants to give him a big hug and let him know he provided a wonderful life for Buster and that dog could not have asked for better owners and friends than my parents. But I won't say anything because I know how hard it is for him to express his feelings and even though I know it's cathartic for some, I think my dad is better left alone.

I finish this post tired and teary-eyed at the loss of a great friend and wonderful pet. I've been trying to take comfort in the fact that like the movie says, “All Dogs Go to Heaven.” I want to believe that. It is my firm hope and belief Buster has crossed the Rainbow Bridge without issue and is playing with all of his new found friends.

Rest In Peace Buster, we will miss you very much!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Checking in...

2008-10-29T08:57:00.001-04:00

I was hungry, I mean like really hungry. The kind of hungry where you wake up and you immediately know you've contracted the worst case of food poisoning ever or that you need to eat with in 15 minutes, or the hurling will be legendary.

So off to Stop&Shop I go. Bagel, butter, two bottles of peach flavored water.
back home.
scrambled eggs (2) some shredded cheddar and some Cholula. (If you haven't tried it and you like hot sauce, get on it)
toasted bagel, big...BIG cup of coffee
now I wait for everything to fill the void.

sitting here banging away on the keyboard seems so foreign. Like, I almost have a sense of guilt in having not written for so long.
Not just not written here, but written anything.
I remember when fall was a time where my writing flowed like sands through the hourglass.
when my thoughts and images were sharp and clear like Waterford crystal and my only limitation was how fast I could type.

the novelty has not worn off but its not as shiny and inviting as the other toys on the playroom floor
sleep
school work
reading the blogs of others...jealous
blog envy
what the fuck
how stupid is that
how lame and Gen Y is that

Not jealous of hits
or
comments
or
pro bloggers
or even
A-listers
but of their ability to bang it out
everyday
without
fail
or hesitation
nonstop
regardless of the obstacles

Of all the things I envy consistency the most
true grit
determination
not phoning it in

Cup check time...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Final Countdown...

2008-09-01T00:36:00.002-04:00

No doubt we've all been following the coverage of the upcoming election. If not, what the hell could possibly be more important? The fact the fate of our country, the UNITED States of America lies in the next election can not be ignored. The title United States no longer works as a name for the land we all love so much. Never have I seen so many people divided by class, race, religion, sex, economic background, education, sexual preference and the list goes on and on. Where is the breaking point? How much more failure can we endure before the nation as a whole crumbles?

Our only hope, yours and mine lies in change and that change is to vote OBAMA / BIDEN in November.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

New School / Olde School

2008-08-25T01:17:00.001-04:00

Ahhh!!! Procrastination will be the fucking death of me!

So much to do this week, I might freak out. It's going to be interesting. Most of what is on the “to do list” is top secret, lucky for you, blogging(?) is not on the, “to do list.”

Last night I did go and witness the rebirth of the rock. Old friends' new band played at The Living Room and I'm happy to report that it's still the filthiest fucking club in the known universe. Those of you whom I went to college with, who witnessed the filth that was the floor of Jake's/Bangers/whateveritwascalledafter2000, this place makes that look like a hospital. Anywho, new band went on at 8:30, which was great for my old man ass. I can't be raging and rocking into the wee hours of the morning any more, not and hope to be any sort of productive at least.

Show was good, music is not quite my cup of tea, a little dirty 70's rock. Stuff I wasn't into a bazillion years ago, but I have to say that it was one of the most solid performances and best sounding sets I've ever heard in that dump. The headliner...Overcast, was a band I used to really, really dig in the early ninety's. The played the type of hardcore that was just brutal and Overcast came to be a staple of the New England Hardcore Scene. How they were repeatedly passed over by indie metal labels, I have no idea. I would have love to have stayed and been aurally abused by Overcast, but recent illnesses, my hunger and a few other things told me to go home. As I sit here and write this post, I'm listening to Reborn to Kill Again, a re-recording of all old Overcast songs, by Overcast. I have to tell you, I'm kicking myself in the ass for not finishing the gig last night.

However, there are just some places you don't even want to be confronted with having to take a shit.

23 Rathbone Street
Providence, RI 02903
happens to be one of those places.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

What?!?!

2008-08-23T17:53:00.000-04:00

I'm a man of reasonable patience but shit is getting crazy yo...

I waited in line for gas for 45 minutes...eff that!

today I went to the Stop&Shop you know, cause it's the grocery store near my house, that also sells gasoline, and they have this cool rewards program, hooked up to the little card you scan every time you shop. Something to the effect of, spend x amount of dollars get y cents off of a gallon of gas. Not only does this give me incentive to shop more...to earn more $$$ off of gas, but it gives me an incentive to buy better, more expensive food, thus eating better.

...not that I live on koolade and moon pies mind you, but I have been known to still rock the ramen noodles, even as a grown adult. Eating ramen kind of makes me mad, cause I made a promise to myself that I would never eat it again, after college. However, the summer that I worked on the landscaping crew at school, and essentially lived on ramen, was one of the best summers ever. Not cause of the ramen mind you, but the camaraderie of a bunch of misfits doing back breaking manual labor, for pennies an hour, and we still felt like we had the best jobs in the world. Yeah, there was a fuck-load of shit to get done everyday and the heat and humidity were often lunacy but it was still just sheer awesomeness.

Wake up usually around 5:50 am to roll into the clothes you wore yesterday to get to the maintanence dept for 6:00
punch in
wait for bosses to show up at 7:00
some would sleep more
some would chat it up
I would eat my “breakfast ramen” dry, no seasoning, like raw spaghetti...
mmm...delicious

Boss man and sidekick would show at 7:00
both bleary-eyed from a long night of drinking
much like the rest of us
give us shit for not working yet
when all the equipment was under their locks and keys

decent size team
two trimmers
two mowers
two ride ons
and the flower bed girls

7:30 and the humidty already ridiculous
ramen gone
four cups of water down
half a mile of grass cut already
seven hours of work left

on to next job
Yon's field, Yon's the Bro's house
passed the first bowl to pass the time
mow and trim and mow and trim and mow and trim
water break
holy shit it's 10:15
coffee break consisting of one lunchable and either mountain dew or chocolate milk, depending on humidity
rush back to work, corn nuts rattling in a pocket
off to the president's house
but first, a stop at the pole barn
...another bowl
mow...trim...mow...trim...mow...trim...trim...mow
so effin' hot
five cups of ice water
corn nuts for the salt
guy from malaysia in a long sleeve rugby shirt and corduroys...laughing at all of us
12:00

If we had money, 5 minutes down the road for two ham'n'cheese samiches and the biggest mt dew ever
no cash, back to the dorm, ramen with water dumped out, no seasoning, either hot sauce/ketchup/hot mustard and a gallon of water
back to garage for 12:30, quick snooze under the trees
1PM let's hit 'er
no more grass to smoke but plenty to cut
ripping on one another during water breaks
raunchy jokes
butt-nut fights
wondering if it's possible to sweat anymore
no more corn nuts

finish with current job and hide out for half hour in a/c cooled building
someone always on watch for the boss
running out the back door, equipment primed and ready to go
back to sweat pouring and smelling like hard work and filthy ass
hour later back at the garage, packing it in, boss with dilly bars for all
stretch out the cramps and cool down
walk over to punch out
climb mt. olympus to go home shower and do it all again
in 12 hours

So bitter right now...

2008-08-17T13:56:00.000-04:00

There's been a whole lot of thinking going on and not a whole lot of writing. I'm not wasting time with an apology cause for one, I'm not really sorry and two, what's the point? If people were really interested with what is going on, the emails, calls and such would have been coming in. Here again this is not me looking for sympathy, empathy or anything ending in athy, it's just one guy speaking his mind on his feelings.

Back to the aforementioned thinking...

damn, you know you have a lot on your mind when if you don't keep yourself busy, you start to think in monologues, soliloquies or asides. Usually when this happens, I take it as a sign to start blogging but what if I really don't have anything to say? Then my incessant rambling becomes nothing more than, “today I got up and had some breakfast...” So what? Most people do both of those things, wake up and or at some point during the day, eat something. Just because it may not be morning, does not mean you can't call your first meal of the day breakfast.

This is all going to seem disjointed and purposeless but I have to get it all out or I think I might scream. I fucking hate being responsible and having a great work ethic. Why? Because today is probably the best day of the summer and I'm going to spend inside a fucking stinky and filthy building at work. Today I am going to have to pretend like I give a shit about things I can neither control, nor change, instead of sit outside and read a book, go for a walk in the park or any of a million and a half things I would rather be doing than being at work. What's more annoying? I have not had more than three days off in a row ( I know this is not the norm and that we all only usually get 2 day weekends) in a fucking year. I have not asked to take vacation time even though I have a ton of it, and moreover I'm going to let that shit build until they either force me to take it or tell me I either have to take time out or sell some days back to the agency.

Not a cloud in the fucking sky mid to high 80's with a slight breeze. How do you get any better than that? The only way to make that better is to put my ass in a chair on a tropical beach, with an endless supply of diet soda and a stack of good books. I would be ok with not going to work today even if no one was around to hang out. Even if all I did was to sit in my back yard and read in the sun.

This leads into my next point. School.

Can I tell you how not amped I am to have the semester starting in like a week? Not very. The last thing I want to have to do is have all of my waking free time, with my nose in a text book or going over video tutorials or making flash cards. On top of all of that having to spend my other waking hours at a job that I'm torturing myself with school so I can get away from my place of employment, as soon as fucking possible, is not really high on my list of shit to do either. I don't do well when I'm sleep deprived. I mean I can function albeit barely but what's worse is I know that I'm busting my ass to get through nursing school so that I can stop working second shift, only to be an RN and have to start at the bottom and work either second or even third shift until I have paid my dues and a day shift slot opens up.

When the hell did the fun monster come and eat my life? I feel like I've done nothing and do nothing but work. I have not been to the beach once, nor driven down to my parents place because my fucking car will blow up and who has an extra $900 laying around, for repairs, when gas is eleventy billion dollars a gallon?

I'm looking forward to taking the week of Thanksgiving off and going to NYC to see some old friends from school. What's going to be funny is when people bitch and complain about me getting to take a holiday off, after I have not taken more than one day off, and I have more seniority then almost everyone else (barring two guys who have 5 years more time in than me) on my unit. You know what? Go fuck yourself and cry about it to someone who gives a shit, I'm done.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Loser...

2008-07-28T09:26:00.004-04:00

Not in my White House! I mean seriously, how much of a tool box can one be before the country just says, "NO"?

Why in the hell would anyone think that leaving kids in orphanages or in the custody of foster parents, (where honestly, they may or may not be in a less than pleasant living situation) is better than providing them with a loving home, albeit with two parents of the same sex?!?! Seems to me that good ol' Johnny Boy is more concerned with punishing the gay community and taking away their rights to be parents. In addition to this "enlightened" view, he also gets to make gay people, interested in adopting children, feel like second class citizens because, "same sex parenting goes against the moral fiber of this country."

Whatever...

So doesn't cheating on your wife or screwing male prostitutes in airport bathrooms, but that hasn't stopped some esteemed members of congress.

Give me a break.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Where did you go?

2008-07-28T03:13:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I know its been like 2+ weeks since I've posted. I've been dealing with medical this and that and hopefully getting back on the right track. Life with diabetes is never easy and more often than not, the littlest wrench in the works can really fuck things up.

However, my blood work shows that I'm not as fucked as I though I was and that yes, there is still hope for me. Hooray! I have to be doing better than Stanley Kobierowski. Way to put Rhode Island on the map! We only get attention for the negatives like this jackhole.

At any rate, my best to all of you and you can expect a return to regular posting in the very near future.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Back to work...

2008-07-14T00:58:00.003-04:00

Friday, after staying out till almost three on Thursday night seeing Hellboy II, I decided to take it easy and wake up...whenever.

I managed to make it up to my aunt and uncles for about twelve. They were just pulling in and we shot the breeze for awhile and then my uncle was headed back to the office.
his work is never done.

I walked inside and talked with my aunt for awhile, until she announced that she needed coffee and would I like some?
Hmm...lets see...it's eleventy billion degrees out and I've come to try and cool off and relax in the pool, hot coffee? No thanks.

My aunt, who is I think 60, described the temperature as, “walk in warm.” The pool was warm but maybe I'm just getting older, and my sensitivity to temperature is becoming more acute. It took me about five minutes before I was able to dive in and experience the crisp refreshing swim I had been missing for a couple of years. During our talk my aunt had mentioned global warming and how, earlier in the week, she had gone down to visit my parents and when she went in the ocean, it felt more like early August than early July. Nevertheless, I swam and floated around for about an hour and a half before I was all done. I dried off, sat for awhile and then packed to go home. My aunt, a voracious reader, gave me Joe Hills, “Heart Shaped Box.” A book I oddly enough learned about on myspace but still seemed interesting enough to read.
It's been a quiet but full weekend. After my swim, I drove home, ate a quick lunch and cracked the book. Two days later and I'm about 55% of the way through. It's basically a modern day ghost story with its own quirky references to current or recently current pop culture.

Last night was The Dropkick Murphy's and Mighty Might Bosstones at McCoy Stadium. The show overall was awesome but by 11pm I was done for the night or at least I thought I was. The Guy, Dubs and I left McCoy and received a call from El Capitan. El Capitan wanted to meet for beers and whiskeys at the dirty bar. After sitting out in the sun all afternoon, the last thing I needed was booze until closing time, but I was a good sport and after the Guy dropped us off, I accompanied Dubs to the bar to meet El Capitan and the missus. Two Heineken lights later and I could feel my head beginning to pound. When the hell was the last time I ate?

3 fried eggs and wheat toast at about 10 in the morning and since then, it's been nothing but beer and orbit gum...AWESOME

the bar closed and Dubs and I were starving, he also could not remember his last meal. There were options, most of them fast food or yuck truck related, but then like a beacon of hope, we remembered the CRUST. Golden Crust has probably the most delicious and reasonable eats around. Dubs got the world famous buffalo chicken pizza in large form. I ordered the 10 wing dinner and a small buffalo chicken pizza. 20 minutes later Dubs was splitting his pizza with his cat and I was watching Sin City and eating chicken wings. I finished the wings, but conked out way before the movie was over.

Woke up this AM, cleaned a little less than I would have liked to. Still tired from the show, took a nap and contemplated going for another swim. However, since it was Sunday and I was not working, I told my brother I would go to his softball game. Drove to Moonsocket, watched the game, came home and here I am.

Tomorrow I start with a new primary care physician, who I am sure is going to tell me, I'm too fat...don't eat anything...exercise more...AWESOME

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Coolest Saturday EVER...

2008-07-12T13:46:00.003-04:00

Indecision '08

2008-07-06T02:33:00.001-04:00

So it's two o'clock in the fucking morning and while I should be sleeping, I'm not.

there are too many other things that I would rather do like

read
play video games
screw around on the internet
clean the house*
blog

but what am I really doing?

I'm blogging and listening to music to finally make a cd for a friend. A cd I promised months ago.

problem is, I have such a wide variety of music and I know not everyone's taste is as eclectic as mine, so what's a guy to do?

...it would probably help if I did not have the repeat function in winamp on. The one good thing, I'm not making this cd for someone I'm trying to woo.
if nothing else, that lowers my anxiety level by about a billion.

Wow, I just listened to a cd that I really thought was very solid, always put me in a good mood, you know what I'm talking about.
now, it could just be my reaction to a lackluster weekend, the fact that I'm feeling under the weather, but the one song I was looking for on this disc,
just doesn't jazz me like it used to.

so the search goes on...

i'm not even going to try and theme this disc cause at this time of night and at this point in my life, I don't know whether to shit, or go blind.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

* not really

File this under

2008-07-02T10:54:00.001-04:00

even more boring than math class...

So I've got nothing, literally nothing for you. I'm out. Empty like Paris Hilton's Head and my bank account.

The new news, is that I haven't been sleeping all that well. I think it's a seasonal thing but, but to be honest,
the nights have not been all that intolerable around here. Summer has finally decided to show up and the best
way I can describe it is well...hot.

this morning, when I finally decided to pull my ass out of bed, it was warm, even for a little before eight.
I showered, and as soon as I was out and reasonably dry, I could tell it was going to be warm outside and
I needed to get to the grocery store, cause I was out of food.

Walked out of the crib and cursed my dumb ass for leaving my sunglasses in D-lo's car the other night. It was
bright and hot and in general, way too much for not the morning person I am. Made it to and through the grocery
store without too much fanfare. Came home and made poached eggs on dry wheat toast....mmmm(not so much)

Now, here I sit, doing the clackity-clack thing, putting some thoughts down before I drive up to my aunts and throw
my big ass into the pool for the first time this summer. I promise to learn to take pictures sometime soon. Until then
we'll just have to get by on my awesome writing skills.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Bullcorn...

2008-06-28T13:54:00.002-04:00

So I can think of roughly eleventy-billion things I would rather do than go to work on my day off.

Color me Dante, but, "I'm not even supposed to be there today."

The thing that sucks most is that, no wait, the other things sucks most. The thing that sucks the second most, is that after leaving work on any given night, my phone will ring roughly 5-6 hours later, asking me if I can come in and work. 5-6 hours after I have just finished a shift. Most nights I am just going to bed 5-6 hours later.

What's funny, well maybe not funny but at least ironic, is most of the reason the Agency needs me to come in, is so that the morning sup can go and sit in meetings all day and not work. yeah right, go fuck yourself!!! There were plenty of mornings when I was working and had shit to do and there were staffing issues. You know what? Sometimes...you just have to miss those meetings. Yeah, I know getting of the unit and not working with our "guests" is a great perk, but you are a cunt and should know better.

So, after one day off, I get to go back to Hell Inc. and spend what has turned into a gorgeous day making sure all is right with the wrongest of inmates. Fan-fucking-tastic!!!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Tales of Chet....

2008-06-27T12:53:00.004-04:00

The other morning I woke and was sure I was either dead or hallucinating...

yes, I had been up late the night before but not that late
yes, I had been drinking the night before but not that drunk
yes, there was fast food before bed, but not that much fast food
however, there was, when I awoke a raccoon in my living room

I blinked a few times and tried to wipe the sleep from my eyes
shaking my head, trying to knock the cobwebs loose, I looked at the raccoon, who happened to be paying me no mind.
“no way...”

Oh...way my friend!

Cool, the raccoon was talking to me so I MUST still be dreaming!

Not only are you not dreaming, but I can read your mind, so watch it there sweet pea

Holy shit!!! There is a talking raccoon in my living room. What the hell am I going to do?

Well the polite thing would be to offer me a drink, but as you don't even know my name yet Jim, I can see why you haven't.

I was still shaking my head in disbelief and swearing off booze forever, like a thousand times before. The inside of my mouth tasted like the bathroom floor of a bus station and my head started to pound like one of those fucking night clubs that were so popular in the early 90's. My pores were opening and the ghosts of a thousand nights of $2 long island iced teas and endless tap beer began to haunt my questionable consciousness.

Listen guy, you can call me Chet, or Uncle Frank, whatever is better for you...

Uncle Frank? What the hell is that about? What are you doing here?

I wish I knew guy. I thought I was dead and in that big dump in the sky and well...here I am.

So you're dead?!

I could be...I'm not really sure, but this place is a dump and you've got plenty of trash to eat so I'm not going to complain.

Hey Uncle Frank, why don't you watch your mouth. There's nothing saying I can't wrap you up in a box and throw your ass outside.

Yeah, you could do that but your old and slow and besides I know you are afraid of me biting you, as well you should be. They don't even have shots yet for the shit I'd give you.

I'm not afraid of you...and what do you mean by, “the shit you'd give me?”

ghost rabies...

Ghost rabies...fuck!!!! That sounds intense!

You bet you sweet showroom ass it's intense. Doctors the world over are constantly baffled by it and yet never work to cure it, so I guess that works in my favor.

Yeah, I guess it does. So you really have no idea how you got here or what you are doing?

Bro, this place is not Fort Knox. One of my living brethren could easily shimmy up the deck and with the use of our opposable thumbs, open the door and walk in. You might want to work on that.

Did you just, “Bro” me?

I did but don't worry about that. As far as what I'm doing here, maybe I'm here to tell you to clean this place up. Maybe I'm here to tell you to not waste time on your day off snoozing and doing shit that is counter productive to your dreams. Maybe I'm here to tell you that, “the guy upstairs” has given you some great tools to work with and you're fucking blowing it down here. Just maybe that's what I'm saying...or here to say, I guess.

Yeah, I've been meaning to tidy up a bit. I know I've been wasting time but things just seem to get in the way all the fucking time and on my days off, I just want to relax and recharge.

Listen guy, I hear that but the strategies you are using are causing you to fall into the Paula Abdul syndrome...

Sorry?

Two steps forward, three steps back.

Fuck...really?!

Without a doubt broseph. As far as things getting in your way, bfd, it happens to everyone, you just gotta keep on keepin' on. You think I wanna be here, talking to your dumb ass versus rooting through that big trash pile in the sky? WRONG...but apparently I took my opposable thumbs for granted during my life and now I have to earn my wings or thumbs as the case may be, before I can go and eat the “good garbage” and sleep in fleece-lined nests.

But I've been better about the blogging though.

You have bro...but let's be honest, no one is coming banging or even knocking on your door for you to write for them. Bro, like three people read your blog and two of them are your Mom and your brother. I've seen your sitemeter stats bro, poor is being generous. So let's refocus the focus on school and nothing else for awhile, mmmk?

Ahh, ah ah. Remember I can read your mind, I know school is hard. In my life, I was an actuary, I dealt with heavy duty math all day long 6 days a week. Thank God for my thumbs!

Is that what did you in? The math, the pressure?

Nah bro...I used to eat a ton of fast food and smoke Kools like they were never going to make them again. All the pressure, the work, bad eating habits, the smoking & drinking and screwing around on the wife...all of that combined, that's what ran my clock out.

All that shit and you cheating on your wife and you think you're here to save me so you can move on? How about the fact that you were a douchebag in life and now maybe it's time to pay the fiddler?

Why a douchebag bro? Don't get all high and mighty on me. Let's be honest, you have not always been Mr. Clean-livin' your entire life. On top of that...you don't live, you work and then come home and bunker down in your four walls and dream of things you have no intention of working towards. Oh boo-hoo, I wish my life was more interesting... Geez

Hey Uncle Frank, why don't you go fuck yourself? Go bother someone who gives a shit man.

But you do give a shit man, if you didn't you would not be in the job you're in, you would not have the friends you have, extend yourself so thin for other people, that they don't even have a unit of measurement small enough to describe how thin you get. When your phone rings at 3:30 in the morning and that crazy chick, you know, “the one you don't give a shit about” calls and she's crying, and you pull on pants and go out in the rain at 4 in the morning, just to make her feel safe....you totally give a shit. You give too much of a shit. You give so much of a shit, most days you've got nothing left for yourself.

I know...

You gotta start being more selfish man. It's natural and ok to want and get things for yourself. Wanting a nice place to live and a car that runs well and looks good are fine. A mansion and a leer jet, that might be greedy, but I know you don't want those things. I also know that you feel like most women are, “out of your league” Fuck that Bro! You're an intelligent, interesting, drop-dead funny guy. Yeah, you could stand to loose a few pounds, but everyone could be in better health. Listen Jimbo, I know you don't want to spend all your free time banging playboy bunnies, but there is nothing wrong with going after things you want.

You're right Uncle Frank...but

But what you're afraid? You don't think the first time I used the thumb to pull the lid off the trash I wasn't scared. I was scared shitless...but you know what? That fucking lasagna inside smelled awesome and tasted a thousand times better after I took the chance. Life is a sweet swimming pool there Jimbabwe...jump right in! Fuck fear! Listen, I know for a fact that you've heard all of this shit before in various forms so I'm not going to waste any more of your time and my breath. Man up and get on the bus son, get on the bus.

I looked at the window and before I could say another word, Uncle Frank and his opposable thumbs had lifted the screen and were out the window, like it happened every day. I'd say I've got more to say but maybe I should leave that for another time and go out and do some of that livin' I've heard so much about.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Bottoms up....

2008-06-25T02:07:00.001-04:00

The good and bad thing about blogging is that no matter what, you have to keep banging it out. You have to keep writing, otherwise, what the hell is it good for?

It's coming up on 2AM on a Tuesday night and I'm fucking drunk.

I'm talking drunk like it's Saturday night in Winona, circa 1999
when all was write and wrong in the world simultaneously.

Tonight was a decent night at work, not to much drama, not too much hassle...

Which may have been why I said yes to the invitation to go out after work, even though my drunk of a boss was not working.

Travelled down the ave and two streets over
to The Abbey, a watering favorite, with a
decent beer selection
and friendlier help

we chatted about old times
new times
times we'd
forgotten about
and
times expired

me, el capitan, D-lo and Buttacaramel
some of the sweetest
to sail the seas of
random adrift
even with faults
one could not ask for better co-workers
or better looking female co-workers

many topics of conversation covered
crossed
lines blurred
by
brews
bodies
desires
be they appropriate or other wise

old co-workers
reassuring me
my cock is
not small
but better than average
and who am I to argue
when the benefit of the doubt is given
and then asked to be seen?

all of this coupled with
promises of show and tell
at a later date
washed down with Newport Storms
lead to smiles on my face and
promises of very interesting dreams...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Thanks Nuanda...

2008-06-20T12:24:00.003-04:00

You see...

She was built for comfort
not for speed
touring class booty with pearly white smile
handed me iced coffee and said. “stay awhile”

funky red hair
low rise jeans
fresh faced beauty
hop...skip...and a jump from her teens

dropped my silver jingle into callused hand
cracked a crafty smile while we shot the breeze
asked me if I had plans
to see the Bosstones and Murphys

hey it's been awhile since you've been around
said, “the f1 is a fantastic ship, but that ship has run aground”
she said all you need to sail
can be bought here by the pound

Jackass Jimmy said, “that's all well and good
but I don't come here for the brew...
Jackass Jimmy winked and grinned his grin,
“I sails the darkest waters in hopes of seeing you”

she listens to the music and remembers New Year's Eve
meeting at Heartbreak Hotel
exchanging awkward glances
her side- her boy friend would not leave

Jackass Jimmy you know I have a man
you saw him at the show
“Baby I don't care about your man
and I just thought that you should know”

“when your good and tired of your boyfriend who we both know is lame
I'm in the on deck circle, anxious be my name
cause I'm throwing a no-hitter and have locked up MVP
but all the glory ain't worth shit if there ain't no you and me”

her cheeks were flushed with crimson like the darkest fire truck
Jackass Jimmy don't lie to me, you're just looking for a fuck
I may not be a veteran or even league MVP
but I've been around long enough to smell lines of bullshit as far as the eye can see

“you think of me when you hear the Mighty tones of Bosston
and probably other times as well
all I'm saying baby is life is to short
to waist your time in hell”

“cause this ride ain't forever
and tomorrows another day
so lets make the most of this
and leave the nonsense in the fray”

“come have dinner and dance the night with me
and if your night is not divine
then blame it all on me
but if you remember it like New Year's Eve before

then leave your ”man” behind
and think of him no more..."

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

No one at the wheel...

2008-06-18T09:25:00.002-04:00

You see the problem with the late night cheeseburger is that it's very mouthy...

It says stuff like, “Hey, how come I don't have no friends?”
to which there really is no acceptable reply
when you know you both would enjoy the company of
another late night cheeseburger and perhaps some fries.

yeah there's your moment of poetry for the day, you can thank me later.

Finding a good song to wake up to has always been a hard thing for me. I've been “up” for about ten minutes now
and I've been through about 3-5 songs. Currently, “freya” by The Sword is winding my clock.

last night at work was not good. the time flew by but at the same time it stood still, maybe even moved backwards at some points.
we had an “escapee” last night. with four people working the unit, that should be an impossibility... “should be”
but when the lazy dog lazes around, the quick brown fox chuckles as they leap over him and out the door.
or maybe someone shouldn't be so wrapped up in a fucking word search puzzle
honestly...sometimes I think it would be better for my mental health to just quit my job and be a hobo.

Friday my car is going to Ford to get fixed...I hope
the f1 has been broken for a long time
longer than I care to remember and if and when she does get fixed
it will be nice to take it out on the highway again
drive down the coast
or to Hartford
or to someplace further than 15 minutes away
and yes
I will still probably buy a scooter
because fuck the republicans and their war-mongering oil profiteering asses.

A bit more in the groove now and rocking out to the indie-rock sounds of Sugar
wish they never broke up
but like with all good bands
or er...uh...bands I like
they have to break up
or go on, “hiatus”

I have just a little under a month before Dubbs and I see The Mighty Mighty Bosstones and Dropkick Murphys
that show is going to be classic and a mess. “rain or shine” I'm praying for good weather that day
for some reason ska and punk rock are just more fun when you are not shivering and standing in the pouring rain.
mmmm...sprite zero is a delicious morning beverage when there is no iced coffee brewed, home or otherwise
I'm feeling kind of peckish, some poached eggs on wheat toast may be in order.

I've noticed some new readers.
welcome aboard, it's a wild ride
thoughts?
questions, comments concerns?
anything you'd like to see?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Check this out....

2008-06-11T13:01:00.001-04:00

Tales of Long Gone Bye...

2008-06-10T10:27:00.003-04:00

This just in...

Apparently the million dollar men and their lesser-paid constituents can't stay away from steroids, performance-enhancing drugs and yes, even vitamin-V. Read all about it here.

Walked to and from work yesterday. Good thing I left my house with plenty of time to spare as the high temps felt every bit of the 103 degrees they were projected at. It wasn't too uncomfortable though I did have plenty of water to drink, tunes to listen to and because I was not crushed for time, I didn't have to race with the devil to be on time.

I walked to the soothing sounds of Bad Religion. It was their probably most commercially successful release,Stranger Than Fiction that I listened to as I tooled around the streets of London in 1998. I can remember walking an hopping two different buses so that I could get to play rehearsal on time. In the mean time, Greg Graffin and the rest of the guys in BR serenaded me with melodic punk-rock anthems.

Our show, which was a compilation piece, that I will not name here just cause there are so many things that make me angry about the whole production, went up in an old onion shed in a sketchy section of London's Camberwell area. I can remember double timing it to get to a theater with less than perfect conditions. The show before ours, For the Love of a Good Man, was one of these gritty WWI deals and the whole performance area was covered in dirt. Imagine an English garage, in late October-early November, with minimal electricity and even less heat. To say that it was the most "bohemian" of experiences was an understatement. The dirt, the weather, the neighborhood...it was a great place to create art.

What this has to do with walking to work in 100 degree heat, I have no idea but I felt the need to share.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Conversations with Helios...

2008-06-08T13:17:00.000-04:00

It's 11:11 motherfucker, wake up and make a wish...

Zzzzzz

GET UP!!!

Alright, alright what the hell is your problem?

What have you done today?

Cleaned out my fridge, gone grocery shopping and put a decent dent in the book I'm reading. Why? What's it to you?

Don't talk to me like that.

Hey, you're the one coming in here yelling motherfucker and demanding my consciousness. I'm just saying...

Don't get smart

I'm just saying...

So, 11:11 what's your wish?

Well since I'm not a ninth grade girl, I don't really believe in making wishes on 11:11, so...

Listen, quit being a fucking jackass and just make a wish.

Remember who you are talking to? Jackass Jimmy right?

Yeah, yeah the wish...

I want a big dick

Boring...*yawn* denied

What?

I'm not letting you waste a once in a lifetime opportunity on something that came from the mind of your average high school hockey player.

Fair enough

Besides, you'd probably only stack donuts on it and not put it to good use.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Your WISH...

Fine, I want to have a happy marriage to Sophie Marceau...

You and a bajillion other guys...DENIED

Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me what I can and can't wish for when you've obviously given me this wish, with the sole intention of torturing me.

I know I'm The SUN and all and you're not very happy with me right now due to the smackdown of a sunburn I laid on you yesterday, but honestly, not even SPF 15? Your dumb celtic ass should have known better.

I do know better, however, they told me that your UV's would help me with my PSORIASIS!

Who is this “they” you speak of?

The dermatologists, you asshole.

Whoa, whoa there buddy. No need to hurl the insults around like they're on sale.

Well, in the short time you've been here and the longer I'm conscious, the angrier I'm getting. My hot and spicy skin in addition to you telling me all my wishes are DENIED, is making me one not so happy boy.

Really, anything else on your mind?

Besides my car not working, trying to save money for the impending depression, trying to get registered for school, figuring out where and with who I want to spend the rest of my “hopefully” short life with... No, not really.

So would you say your glass is half empty or half full?

If I thought it would do me any good, I would shoot you in the face with a bazooka. Come on with this wish business, you are robbing my basement of all of its cool and when that happens, it's not going to be a pretty site.

Right the wish...go ahead

How about I'm independently wealthy, and a pro-blogger.

Oh, is that all your highness?

Are you fucking kidding me? I thought that other shit was way more greedy in comparison.

Well the independently wealthy is boring for sure. I'm mean who doesn't want to not have to work again. But I was intrigued by the fact you added the pro-blogger on to the end of it. That shows some creativity and ambition.

Yeah well, it's not like I want to be rich so I can sit at home by the pool all day, getting drunk and looking at jack-it mags.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing, it's just not my deal.

So what is your deal?

What the fuck is this the Truman Show or something? Where are the cameras? Is there a studio audience somewhere or are you supposed to represent the Almighty. No, wait...are you supposed to represent some part of me?!?!

Well, what do you think it means?

You know what, FUCK YOU! You're worse than my therapist! Everything is always another fucking puzzle. How about you throw me a break on this one and just tell me what it is that I am struggling to comprehend, so we can move on and part ways.

And what would you learn by me telling you?

Well I would not learn where my threshold for anger is cause this ridiculous back and forth could stop.

Are you angry?

Are you kidding? You obviously have no idea who I am.

Maybe, why don't you just let it go?

What?

The anger...just let it go

Nope, never. It gets me through.

Gets you through what?

Life

Does it really? Do you really want to live an angry life? I mean is it worth it?

The wish, are you granting it or not?

Of course not. Does that make you angry?

No, I figured as much.

Why do you say that?

Cause there are no gifts or free rides in this life. You have to fight and claw for every scrap that falls from the table. So did I think in the blink of an eye things were going to change for me, I'd be a fucking idiot to think that. Birth-school-work-taxes-death...that's it.

Well I'm sorry you see it that way.

Take your sunshine and move on. I need to shower and put on aloe before going back to my awesome job.

Things will get better, you just have to wait.

Yeah well its Life 35 and Jim 0 so, I'm not holding my breath.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

PROFANITY BEWARE...

2008-06-03T23:46:00.002-04:00

To the fucking asshole who felt the need to steal my garmin, gps from my car while it was in the shop, I hope you really fucking needed it or money.

Apparently you might have needed it to find your last remaining shred of dignity, wait...that's gone cause you're a low-life thieving bastard.

That was my christmas gift from the parents this year. Not having an easy time finding where I sometimes need to be whilst driving, it was a wonderful present.

Thanks for being a low-rent scum bag and ruining what little faith I had left in humanity.

I hope you watch what you love most be killed right in front of you.

To the rest of you...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

No rest for me...

2008-06-03T08:19:00.001-04:00

8:11am and I feel like I ate a case of cat fart sandwiches

mechanic told me part for F1 would not be in until Tues-Wed
after a 16 hour double, including an overnight
without my goddamned cellphone cause I was in a rush
cause I had to walk to work
and walk home
I get home and all I want to do
is
zzzZZZ
but the fucking
beep-beep-beep
of cell phone says, “not yet bro”
and I get the call
that car is fixed and they are going to lock er up'
all of this
at 6:15pm
on Munday
wtf
can't a guy catch a break?
with any luck
this won't cost me eleventy-billion dollars
cause other motherfuckers are hollerin'
for a taste of my cream
and I take life like I take my coffee
black and empty like my
dance-card
bank account
soul

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Holy Good God...

2008-06-01T10:00:00.000-04:00

It's a rare sunday morn that I see 5:50
let alone 9:50
but todays the day
up
walked
coffeed
and well into my “STD” list

Shit To Do
not
sexually transmitted disease
as we all know that would be fucking impossible in my case
cause I have none of the sex the kids talk about these days
sad part is...I dont really care all that much
one less thing to be concerned with
something I don't have to pencil into my routine

brought out the ol' lawn mower
tank bone dry...fuck
found legal gas can
drove to stop and shop to
get out and fill 'er up
$9.6ixty something for
2 and a half gallons of
Dubya's liquid get rich strategy
asshole
hopefully pop shows up and I can
be useful to him again
help him avoid buying a new mower
cause
fuck that
needs that
like
a hole in his head

10:04
and rocking out to Placebo
sooooooooo underated
on my list of bands to see
before they
call it
adieux

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

menomena...

2008-06-01T04:24:00.002-04:00

I had barely been asleep ninety minutes when
the crow started with his fuckin' caw-cacawcaw-cawing
badgering his constituents for a reply
or
several choruses of replies.

something about a crow that just makes me mad
I mean mad like
I wanna break some shit
even walking around
doing stuff in or out of the house
I catch sight of a crow and I'm all, “I see you there you sleep-robbing bastard”
go to hell
and usually...as if by some sort of psychic force...the goddamned crow
caw-cacawcaws back at me
laughing
“screw you jackass”
but enough about those filthy black bastards

their inconsiderate concert was enough to force me from my bed
feeling broken-sleep-Dprvd and a wee bit ornery
among other things
to say the least

for a split second I considered some giggigty-giggity
to lull me back to sleep
but I had used that to knock out
plus I knew those crow fuckers would break my concentration

so I slithered down stairs and muttered and puttered about
cleaning the campsite a bit
reading and re-reading some old junk mail
piling up what was deemed to be important enough for a pile
but not important enough to act on
bills...bills...bills
letter from Bill
Bosstones/Murphys tickets
shit for my brother, who hasn't lived here in years

the baboon postcard
from the citrus queen of MN
that made me laugh my chapped-red-ass off
on my way to another miserable day of work

the course catalog
helping me to plot the destruction of
my brain
free time
and social life

piles of ads from
this grocer and that
all telling me what great deals they have
ten-$10
buy 2 get three
whatever
its all been done before
and most days
I wake just in time
to have my first meal of the day
at work
yum

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Make it last...

2008-05-28T06:41:00.000-04:00

When I got home from work last night I was tired.
Not just tired but like, beat with a sock full of nickles, tired.
Normally I would complain about this but since I had a migraine about to go off and 600mgs of Ibuprofen..who was I to say anything.
Swig of water, pills in my mouth and I think I was awake for the first two songs off of Phish's Billy Breathes.
There was not a shot in hell I was going to make Prince Caspian.

I slept.
I slept the good sleep.
The kind of sleep that makes you wonder if you are dead when you wake up.
Oddly enough, I had slept a little over four hours.
Again, I'm not going to complain cause it was a solid four hours
and I felt pretty good upon waking up.
except
I was jonzing for a soda so bad, I needed to hit 7-11
a little after five in the morning.

So I fired up the F1
who is still running hot
still a pain in my ass.
I realized I really wanted to listen to led zepplin
traveling riverside blues, a great song Plant and Co stole from legendary blues man
Robert Johnson
but I had to lament having no zepplin, no Johnson on the Gpod
so flogging molly had to suffice
and even though flogging molly reminds me of shewhosnameshallnotbespoken&trade,
I enjoyed listening to them on my cola quest.

Things are and have been weird as of late
we are all getting older
having mid-life crisises and surgeries
just trying to get by
doing what we have to
like drinking more diet soda than is humanly right
drinking three of one bottle to avoid a bottle of a different type
uh-huh.

This feels like the summer that will never come
its been fucking cold and 40 for what seems like 10 years
yesterday was a motherfucker
it was hot and busy and of course...I was at work
everyone had the day off and those who didn't banged out of work
it was me and the Bro, holdin' it down like we always do
9 on 2 on the H unit and with even all the bullshits
Bro and I still threw a shutout
with no shout-outs
no 10q's
no kthnxbys
just be here tomorrow or else's

Or else what
or else I will have to use some of my bazillion vacation hours?
or burn some overtime
fuck you
I show up
every
day
even when I'm so miserable I could dine on a bullet
and you fucking assholes would never know it
cause I'm fucking awesome at what I do
I rule
and never in a million years could you even come close to my skills or work ethic
so don't even bother
cause look at all its gotten me

piles of bills I can't pay
a car I can't take on the highway
a love life as lively as Elvis
and a bright and shiny disposition
wait...maybe that was sarcasm
nope, guess not.

?'s comments, concerns?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Nice tie your Honor...

2008-05-09T11:02:00.001-04:00

So...

Yesterday was kind of a shitty day. I started off with the always pleasant, day in court, which I was told I had to show up to...but when I got there I was told otherwise. This was a relief and somewhat of a kick in the balls, as it cost me $25 bucks to park for 20 minutes. However, since I didn't have to sit in court all day, we will look at this as a good thing.

Drove to the grocery store, did some shopping, drove home.

Ate a late breakfast, talked to some peeps online, cruised the internets. Not to much was going on and I really wanted to take a nap, but I had one problem. I still had to go to work. After being up all morning and going through somewhat more than my normal amount of daily stress, I said, “eff work” and called in to tell them I was bangin' out for my shift. Let me just say this, I've had some shitty, shitty jobs. Even jobs where I've shoveled shit, but never in my employment life have I had a job where it has been tougher to call out for work. Honestly, I wanted to hide my car and belly crawl all over my house last night, as I was sure the Agency was going to send top level operatives to check on me, to see if I, “really was sick.”

Anyway...

I needed to relax after my nap so, I got up, put sneakers on and went for a walk. Initially I planned to go around the block but one block turned into a couple and before I knew it, I had traveled through more hoods than I had even thought about: the 'ville, Centredale, Greystone, Fruit Hill, Orchard Park. Maybe it's just me and I could have just been aggravated and overly sensitive but everything around here sucks. I cannot wait until I'm done with school so I can pack up and get the fuck out of here.

I'm sure there are those that would bid me good riddance. If that's the case, then fine but this is probably someone who knows nothing outside the realm of North Providence and Florida.

Nothing but savages in this town.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

There she goes...again

2008-04-23T10:53:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you have good ideas and sometimes your ideas go rogue.

Me, getting my sleep schedule somewhat under my own control...GOOD IDEA. Drinking Diet Dr. Pepper with breakfast...rogue. In my defense, I do have an unhealthy love affair with soda. Beverage choice gone rogue.

I've decided to keep a food journal. Not as a diet tool but more of a way to actually see what I'm eating and how it makes me feel. I'm thinking I can probably eliminate some problems or perhaps even keep some others from springing up by just taking a look at what it is I'm putting in the old gas tank.

In other news...

Can I tell you how sick and tired I am of putting up with people's bullshit? I sat around for months...literally months listening to somuchmorethaneyecandy™'s tales of whoa when she got dicked over by her significant other. I listened intently to what it felt like when someone you care about totally ignores you and leaves you like trash on the side of the road. I listened actively and gave good advice when solicited and sometimes even when it was not wanted. Somuch™ got a new job recently and we've not been in touch for awhile. It's not like I haven't been trying. There have been phone calls and text messages unreturned. Facebook messages unread, and im's that may or may not have been read. I give up trying to be a good person and or friend. Why? Cause when you read an away message something to the affect of, “I'm so happy to have finally found someone who gives me as much as I give them...blah blah blah I love you dickhead!!!” you realize you were never anything more than free coffee, therapy and a mindless distraction to get someone between relationship A and B. Fuck that, go waste someone elses time.

Weather has been much nicer and the sun is making me happy like your first time in the “make out” closet. More work today, but I don't even care since it's so nice. Not only that but the latest oject of my desire comes back from her weekend today. That is always fun.

What else do you want to hear about? What's going on with you?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Decent Monday...

2008-04-14T13:06:00.004-04:00

It was only a matter of time before he would ask me about her. I will admit that it was somewhat odd, working with him I mean. He really wasn't that bad, and being civil came pretty easily but at the same time, I really didn't feel like talking about shewhosnameshallnotbespoke™. His tone smacked of disbelief, like it was the oddest thing in the world that could have happened to him. “I mean we were dating for 6 months and then bam! Nothing...”

Sorry dude, but I don't fucking care. You only get one chance to fuck me over and then I'm done. Shewhosnameshallnotbespoken™ did a great job on me, so it's not like I give a shit about anything dealing with her. I'm glad you went above and beyond and tried talking to her, her sister, and her extended family, but to say you were dating her for 6 months is only lying to yourself. She doesn't date anyone. She may have been exclusive with you for two weeks, maybe even a month, but know for certain, she was totally fucking at least one other person besides you. I could be wrong but when you guys used to “make love” she was definitely thinking of someone else and wishing she were anywhere but under your low-rent ass.

You wanna talk current events...cool
You wanna talk music...cool
You wanna talk red sox...cool

let's leave women out of the possibilities of conversation.

Weather is getting nicer. Not such a drag to be awake during the daylight hours. Decent weekend even though I spent most of it in a compromised state of consciousness. Hung out with Reef and her friends, at her friends house. Place is gorgeous, very much like what I'm looking for and they've done a great job with it.

Weird but good dreams recently.

Work soon. That is all.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Good sleep.

2008-04-09T09:20:00.002-04:00

Let me start out by saying that I hate hate hate American Idol. I think the show is void of any substance or quality and that like most other things on television these days, it's a giant fucking waste of time. However, when I heard that one of the contestants, David Cook was going to be performing, Innocent, by Our Lady Peace, I had to check out David's performance. Did I tune in? Hell no, I waited two days and watched that shit on youtube.

What can I say? I agree with the critics, bad choice of song. Not that Raine Maida, (lead vocals, OLP) is the greatest vocalist ever, but he is very, very talented. For someone like Cook, talented and trying to prove it, to chose a song like Innocent, just seems foolish. To be fair, Cook did not mangle the song, but it wasn't very pretty. He started off key and with his limited time for performance, showing the crowd and home audience the inspirational message, written on the inside of your hand, that's not going to cut it. It might work for Chris Martin of Coldplay, but who are we kidding here?

END OF AI BULLSHITS...

So, last night, after work, ended up in dive bar on wrong end of town, with boss and old boss and more beers than anyone wanted to drink. The place was a dump and I'm not a fan of any establishment that tries to pass itself off as an “irish bar” by putting up paper shamrocks and leprechauns all over the fucking place. Something tells me there are supply companies who cater to this type of place and have all sorts of knicknacks that look aged and authentic but, in reality have just rolled off the assembly line in China.

LAME

at any rate, beers were drunk and afterward, my boss asked me to ride with him to Wendy's. It was literally 200 yards down the street an on my way home. When I told him I'd rather take my own car, he looked hurt and told me, “but then we won't get to eat our jbc's “bro style.” Bro style? Are you fucking kidding me? If I ever get to the point were I am so pickled with booze on a regular basis that my life is tragically sad and pathetic, to the point where I need to eat fast food, “Bro style”...please kill me. Wow, sometimes I wonder how some people make it through the parts of their lives where there is not someone there to hold their hand.

I was looking over the line up for this summers Warped Tour and I have to admit I was very disappointed not seeing Bad Religion in the line up. I was going to go and catch them last year, but “shewhosnameshallnotbespoken&trade” was giving me a hard time and therefore I missed the show. Going one step further, I was looking on BR's site and there don't seem to be any summer dates, at least in the U.S. Booooooooooooooooooooooooo. However, as an Angels and Airwaves fan, I was happy to see they are playing the whole tour. Maybe I can get out there and see them. Other than that, my only concert plans for the summer are Tom Petty and Dave Matthews, but this can change at any moment.

I think thats all I have for right now.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I'm in neutral...

2008-04-03T04:08:00.002-04:00

So here I am again at 3:43 in the morning, awake, when I should be sleeping. Drinking coffee when I should be sleeping, night dreaming of a different life, when I should be sleeping. Are we seeing a common and consistent theme here? I know I am.

I'm not sure if I went on a date tonight or not. I mean I could have, but at the same time I could have just gone and spent some time with someone I met through one of these damn social networking sites. At any rate, I was able to go and see Blithe Spirit at the TRC. I don't really remember what the last real show I saw was. I mean I saw Rent a few months ago, but if you're in the theater, musicals are generally not regarded as, “real theater” but more fluff or mind candy. Musicals are the Clive Cussler's and Stephen King's of the theatrical world. I will say it was cool to finally talk with TJ in person, versus through various forms of internet communication. I had a good time and oddly enough ran into someone from MN, who went to the same college as me, graduated from the same program I did, and even had some of the same friends as me, yet we never met. Not completely odd at a big school, but SMU was 1,500 undergrad if I was lucky. Sara was so surprised that we were meeting and running into one another. I guess that's how you view things when you live in such a huge state. Me, I can't go to the mall or the grocery store without running into at least three people.

My mind is tired but my body will not let me rest. There is an impending event, one which I will not mention, because I just want it to pass without too much fanfare. Work has been going well but to be honest, things change from one day to the next and often policies and procedures that were the standard the night before, often change before I punch in for my next shift. Being a person who is all about stability, safety and security, all of these fuckin' changes make me grumpy. I just want to go to work, do my job and go home. One could say that is the sentiment of someone who is not willing to go that extra mile. That may be true but if you have ever known me in any capacity, you know the last thing I am is lazy. You know the amount of abuse and nonesense I've put up with working at Bullshit Inc. over the past 4 years and you also know there are no perks to my job, other than the sense of personal satisfaction I have, knowing I make a difference in the lives of kids, who could give two shits about me. To them I am primarily a wallet and / or joykill. I used to get raises and tuition reimbursement at my job, but those have been gone for going on three years. People in my program make the most $$$ out of anyone in our agency. Come to find out, talking to a friend of mine, her brother started off making basically what I make, with no degree. That doesn't bother me too much, however, the fucking idiots I used to work with, the one who came in 3 years after me and was making .50 cents more an hour, and had no administrative responsibilities...that shit burns my ass. I hate my employer and can't wait to finish nursing school so I can get the fuck out of there.

This weekend there's a beer pong tourney at bfd's. Not sure if I want to go but at the same time, I'm not sure what else there will be to do. I mean I would like to hang with my family at some point. Even if that means I have to drive down the coast. I think the drive with some sunglasses, my ipod and hopefully not to much traffic will do me good. I can take some time to walk on the beach and let the brisk sea air wash over me, maybe even take some of the negatives and nasties away with it. Of course all of this will be interrupted by my boss calling me, asking if I want to go and get drunk, just like he does any other day ending in Y.

Saw Doomsday the other night. Total guy flick but I still enjoyed it. I will say this, there seems to be a disturbing trend in deadly plague/virus films and that shit scares me. Just the shots from movies like 28 Days Later, with the streets of London quiet as graveyard, or New York City over grown in vegetation, with wild animals running amok because humans no longer live there....gives me a case of the heebie jeebies.

Man, what I'd give for two weeks on a beach in Thailand right now.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Earlier and earlier...

2008-03-29T08:31:00.003-04:00

Again with the up before God syndrome today.

Lucky for you I decided not only to blog, but to put some pictures from mi vida loca. It should come as no surprise to any of you, by this point, that I LOVE coffee. I mean I love coffee to the point that I was smiling as I was typing the word coffee. It has been both a torrid love affair and a problem in the past and more than likely will be so again in the future. I like all kinds of coffee. I would not consider myself a coffee snob, but I know my way around a cup o' joe. This morning I set out with the intentions of picking up some Peet's coffee. I saw Major Something or other's blend and that seemed to be what I was looking for, but as my eyes perused the coffee aisle at Stop&Shop, they fixed themselves to something that is almost embarrassing to admit. BLUEBERRY COBBLER COFFEE.

* Sigh * I know...I know. To my fellow java-junkies out there, this probably sounds like a steaming pile of horseshit and my membership card to our exclusive club has been revoked but the fact the bag was giving off a heavenly scent of blueberries, (one of my more favorite fruits and a wonderful source of antioxidants) there was no way I was going to be able to resist. Even though I put the bag into my cart saying, “this is going to be absolutely terrible” my skepticism could not force me to put it back on the shelf, and get something endorsed by the coffee king himself.

Now on my second cup, after enjoying a lovely breakfast consisting of oatmeal, raisins and fresh sliced mango, I have to admit, New England Coffee Company's Blueberry Cobbler Coffee is not only delicious but, has my kitchen smelling of summers long ago, when my grandmother would make a dessert for picnics called Blueberry Slump. Something along the lines of a cobbler, well pretty much the same thing, maybe it was called Slump because cobbler didn't sound waspy enough? That alone is enough for me to brew more than one pot.

I like hitting the supermarket as soon as it opens obviously for the lack of lines but also because things are quiet and in order and generally I can find what I want and get in and get out, kind of like a trumpet player in an Orange County Ska band. * wink-wink * At 6AM things are not all fubar'd and what's better than that? Not having to deal with roaming bands of brigands and hooligans and backyardigans and all sorts of the bullshits. Plus, at 6AM there is NEVER a line at the REDBOX. Any other time of day, your ass is waiting like 10-15 minutes if you are lucky, and that's if you are only returning.

I returned American Gangster and We Own the Night, both of which were meh. I got the uncut version of American Ganster and that had to push almost 4 hours. At some point you have to say, “this is going to end just like Titanic...and rap it up.” Performances in We Own the Night were good but I never believed anyone. I love Duvall, Phoenix and Wahlberg but, the three of them as father and sons, not buying it, sell it to someone else.

It's looking like it's going to be a great day so I may try and get outside and take some more photos. If not, there will be more posting. Either way, you win!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Need sleepy...

2008-03-26T09:05:00.001-04:00

Up un-godly early again. For me that's like 5:30 or something of that insanity.

Work was fucking crazy last night, like FUCKING CRAZY!!! At times I was wondering how much longer I'm going to be able to do my job. See, the entire first shift called out of work yesterday. Apart from that being total bullshit, it basically set up me and my co-workers for a night of total chaos. To say I was less than thrilled would be an understatement. I got to work and realized I knew no one working on the unit. AWESOME...that means that people would run out of there faster than, fraternity brothers at a busted frat party...( I know that sucked, but I'm still waking up.)

There will be no coffee this morning. I'm thinking I need to get some more sleep. I have been having almost vivid dreams and the fact they have been so intense, yet I can't remember details is making me somewhat angry.

I'm also considering shaving my head and just making donations to locks of love. I can't deal with having hobo hair anymore.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

It's Coffee Time...

2008-03-23T06:08:00.000-04:00

My sleep schedule is severely fucked up. It's five-thirty in the AM and I've yet to hit the hay. It would be great if this was due to leading a wondrous and exciting life but in all actuality, it's just cause I've nothing better to do and well...sleep just seems dumb.

See, when I was a freshman in college, I would stay up for days on end. I was used to burning the candles at both ends, working 90 hours a week and spending the rest of my time traveling around the NorthEast, following bands, probably all of whom, no longer exist. When I moved to MN to go to college, it was my first time away from home and although I pretty much had all the freedom I needed under my parents roof, I was still under my parents roof and in college, there were women around.

This whole women around thing would have been great, had I taken advantage, but I was still in my, “angry young man” phase of my life, not to mention, I hated my new surroundings and school as well. However, there usually was someone around to shoot the breeze with or at least stay up and watch a movie or Simpson's reruns. I remember toward the tail end of my freshman year, just spontaneously falling asleep, like to the point I thought I was narcoleptic. Luckily for me, I was just just succumbing to outrageously high blood sugars, and about a month later, be diagnosed with type two diabetes.

Sophomore year rolled around and even though my attitude about school and the one horse town in which I was living changed, my sleep habits had not. I had roommates who also reveled in procrastination and the small hours of the evening. Many times my roommate would just becoming home as I was giving up and going to bed, somewhere around the 2AM mark. He was an athlete, a fraternity brother and a bunch of other shit which required a great deal of time. Plus he was trying to enjoy the freedoms of college just like the rest of us. Sophomore year I started to actually take classes within the theater department. Classes which not only required a shit load of reading and processing time, but also time doing manual labor and other shit in the scene or costume shops. Plus, if you wanted to be involved in a production, well your evening homework hours, just went out the fucking window.

I can remember many nights, leaving the theater after rehearsal close to midnight, starving and picking up whatever was left under the heat lamps at the campus grill, having three loads of laundry to do, with at least 2-3 hours of homework in front of me if I was lucky. Often, the nightime quiet that allowed me to do my homework was interrupted by some fucking tool business major, drunk and fucking, drunk and loud, drunk and loudly fucking but always drunk and annoying. My favorite was when I would be doing homework when they went out to walk their “girlfriends” home and then when they came back hours later, I was still at the same table, with the same books, slaving away. “Holy Jeez, you're still studying huh?” “What do they teach you over there in that theater department, how to be gay?” sigh... yeah that's exactly what they teach us over there in that building, how to be gay and how not to take hostages when you assholes can't stay awake for an hour and a half performance for artscore class. That's what they teach us.

Oddly enough I had my highest GPA during my sophomore year.

Junior year started with me living in London, England. Sleep forget that, I'm in a different country. A place with stuff that stays open all night, has great public transit and everyone speaks English. Screw going to bed. Thursday night were the biggest jokes ever. Most Friday mornings, the entire class would get on a bus, ride for three to four hours, go look at some cathedral and then go home. So, it's not like we needed to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thursday my mates and I would get out of class round three or four, pop in to the “Victory Pub” for a pint or 9 and then go home and either cook or grab a bite to eat and then nap it up. A couple hours later, showered and smartly dressed, we were on the blue line headed for Leicester Square and The Equinox. We'd arrive right at ten, before people started pouring in and while there was room to breathe we could dance freely. We went so frequently, we became friendly with some of the locals and doormen. Feni, who was either Pakistani or Afghani and lived in London, was a great guy with a better sense of humor and enough patience to teach me some dance moves. Feni, myself, Supersonic, Reetah, Holyshit and rml would often dance until the lights came on somewhere around 4AM or when one or more of us said “enough...we've class in a few hours.” This usually prefaced a huge slice of pizza from street vendors, a minicab home and about two hours of sleep before having to be up, showered and ready for dance class in Zone 4, when we were living in Zone 1. To say there were some miserable faces at dance classes was an understatement. If our teacher wasn't such a fun-loving and energetic fairy, I'm sure the our hang-overs and her intolerable bad breath would have kept more people back at the flat under the comfort of their double-thick eiderdowns.

My return to the states and more specifically to the planet of Winona, had me just as sleepless, but 100 million times more disenchanted. This is not to say I hated Winona, I didn't but my options for the night time were severely limited. Enter the era of story time with Brown Guy, video hockey, CHW and the red-head across the hall.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Again???ok...again

2008-03-20T08:39:00.001-04:00

So again my day starts off with a bang. Up early, basically all night. Why? I have no idea.

Wait, maybe it's because I work with a psycho, who drinks 7 nights a week. Maybe I'm a fucking vampire? This second shift shit is for the birds.

Anyway...

Up early, bring the F1 in to get checked out. It's been running really hot lately, and rather than have my engine explode on me, I figure some preventative maintenance is in order.

Dropped it off, then walked downtown to Timmy's, grabbed coffee and walked back home. Here I sit clackity-clacking my thoughts.

Last night, at Parker's the question again came up, “Why are you single again?”

I took a nice drink of whiskey and pondered the answer to the question that will not go away.

“I don't even know anymore.” fell off my lips. “I guess I don't care, don't have time for bullshit...who knows?” The boss grinned and looked at me with a twinkle in his eye.

“No seriously, why are you alone?” I was starting to get aggravated, finished my Jameson and ordered another. The boss was still looking at me, he was not going to let this one drop. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I stood with a gun to his head. “You really wanna fuckin' know that bad do YA?” The whiskey was strong, hints of slow aged oak, pain and regret lingered on my lips and on my tongue. For whatever reason, I continued through the valley of the shadow of death. As I thought of a suitable reply, flashes of days gone by played like movie clips in my mind, songs I haven't listened to in a hundred years suddenly came to memory and it was as if love was rearing its ugly fucking head again.

Look there is the answer you want to hear and there is the answer I'm going to give you, I snapped. “We've been over this before and I'm putting my love life on the same list as politics and religion.” Connie Marie laughed and poured me another Jameson. “This one's on the house kiddo” she winked and rubbed my shoulder as only a mother who tends bar could. My boss grinned an impish grin and let me speak. “You want me to tell you that I'm afraid of being in a relationship. That's just not the case. I love women, talk to them all the time. However, since my last several experiences have been, shall we say...less than positive, I don't really feel the need to jump into anything right away. More specifically and finally what I mean by that is, I'm sick and fucking tired of putting it all out there, only to have my heart ripped out through my ass and then have the pleasure of putting both my heart and mind back together. I'm patient but I don't think I've the energy nor wherewithall to deal with that bullshit again. Let me go to work, go to school, spend my free time as I like to...ON MY OWN, and let's be done with it.”

“Alright man, I'm gonna go have a cigarette and then we'll talk.” I gave him the sideways glance, eyes narrowed, “whatever.” He walked out the door and I could feel the motherly advice coming on. “You're not going to find happiness in that glass, you know.” Connie looked at me as if I were on my last few dollars. “I know,” I said. “But it makes the pain in my shoulders and neck ease up a little and quiets my brain enough for me to fall asleep at night.” “Yeah, I'm sure it does, but you wake up the same way you went to bed.” The sides or her lips were turned up, almost as if she were trying not to smile. “How do you mean” I asked. “alone” was all she said.

It could have been the whiskey, the company, a rough two days at work or a combination of any or all of the aforementioned, but I was pissed. I was getting it from both ends and didn't know how to stop it. I finished the the last of my whiskey and ordered another. The door flew open and Bossman came bounding in. “I've got it...YOU'RE AFRAID!!” “That's easy...we can fix that no problem.” Stunned, were it not for the two gulps of Jameson I knocked back one after the other, I would have known not what to say. At least the tears of ragepainembarrassment could be been mistaken for the burn of whiskey. I left my half of the tab and a decent tip on the bar, grabbed my keys and phone, and walked out into the temperate March night.

In case you were wondering, this is also my curse. According to these guys, there is love burning to find me...

whatever

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The Day After...

2008-03-18T12:40:00.003-04:00

Nothing going on but the rent. I slept waaaaay in this AM as I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately. I feel like I have some positive energy but not to much more than starting at zero.

I just sneezed for the 78th time in two minutes. Annoying.

Work was bonkers last night. A ton of bullshit even after I left. My phone rang at 6:holyshititsearly this AM. Two call outs and did I want to work a double? Thank God for voicemail! Don't try to guilt me into shit, just cause I took an extra day off cause my ass was a firehose on Sunday. Those that did not feel the need to go to work today are fucking the brother of the boss and the other one, well she is just busy fucking everyone.

Awesome...

Just ate some great oatmeal with raisins, drank some green tea and now I think it's time for my pre-work relaxation and some tunes.

More tonight.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Java What???

2008-03-17T08:30:00.002-04:00

I wish I could say I woke up like a house on fire and raring to go but truth be told, I basically stayed up all night. See I went grocery shopping and while so doing got a call from Somuchmorethaneyecandy™, she wanted to meet at Brewed Awakenings for coffee. Somuch™ and I haven't hung out in like three weeks so, I was down. I get there maybe 5 minutes before her and the place is packed, packed like the $20 Fung Wa bus from Boston-NYC. Like not an open seat or table in the joint. I scan the joint like a sniper searching for their target. There are plenty of seats but people have their bags, laptops, homework, high school and otherwise piled all over the place, therefore, since almost everyone in there was being an inconsiderate asshole, Somuch™ and I were forced to go down the street to Dunkin Blownuts.

Awesome...

We sat there for a while shooting the shit, talking about this and that and what all I've been up to, I.E. WORK and what she does with her free time, WORK. She asked if I still planned on moving to TN once I'm done with nursing school. I told her I thought so but that nothing is ever set in stone, however, someplace definitely warmer than the NE. She asked me about WV and what I thought about it? I told her, “never been there but not ruling it out.” She confided she was interested in going to gradschool for sports psychology and there was some great program at some small school. Somehow I think this plan as well as others may change, but that is yet to be determined.

Around 6:30 this morning I decided to start getting myself together. I wanted to get some coffee at Timmy's before the masses were up and out in full force. It being Monday, school buses, garbage trucks, recycling trucks and all sorts of other nonsense are on the road. I hoped to beat the rush. I bounced out the door about 7:10, not too late but I needed to get a move on if I wanted a round trip of less than 15 minutes. The wind was the first thing to hit me and sporting only cargo shorts and a sweatshirt, I about shit out my spine from being cold. Spring sure is taking its leisurely fucking time getting here. I fire up the F1 and she responds begrudgingly, there is no time to warm up, I can see the kids walking to their respective bus stops, some wearing coats, some wearing...I don't even know what to call what these fucking kids are wearing.

I tear ass out of the drive way and remember it is no longer Sunday so, rock music has once again returned to the radio. No ipod this AM, not enough time. I listen to two songs from the WBRU three -way: Stone Temple Pilots' Interstate Love Song and “Orange Crush” by REM and postulate the theme of the three-way may be “road-tripping” but you can bet your ass I'm not sitting in my car to figure it out. There will be commercials and banal radio banter before an answer and my time is precious.

Pull into the drive thru at Timmy's and order 2 large HOT toasted almond coffees, LIGHT, sans sucre. That's no sugar for those of you not in the know. Timmy's is a Canadian company and sometimes JackassJimmy has to kick it to them in the native tongue, just to make sure they don't slip him some sugar to take his diabetic ass out. Besides, I reserve my give and take of sugar for the ladies. Yeah, you know what I'm saying... wink*wink*. Pull around, pay and am handed two coffees, out the window, no tray. The girl in the window looks like the last time she went to bed, Alf was still on t.v. I am indeed JackassJimmy and so I give her the wink and say, “Good thing my cupholders aren't filled up with change or anything.” She doesn't get it and I just grab my shit and roll. One cup in a cup holder, the other warming my cockles and killing millions of potential Jackass offspring.

Make it back to the hizzo, not in record time, but respectable. Coffees in hand, jump out of the F1, not thinking, lock keys in car. Karma comes around and tickles my asshole again. Not only did I lock my keys in the car but my dome light is on. I can hear my battery laughing at me. I put the coffee on the front stairs and vow to gut anyone who touches them while I'm gone. Jump down over the retaining wall and pray the cellar door is unlocked. It's not, but the window is. Pull a semi B&E and get in, in one piece. Twig and berries are frosty but I'm ok. Sprint upstairs through the house and to the front door. Open it up to see the trash fuckers spying my coffee. They back off cause JJ has street cred and has been here since Moses wore short pants. Get my toasted almond java and back in the fortress of solitude™. So here I sit, writin', sippin on coffee, eating oatmeal with raisins, it doesn't get much more mid-life crisis than this.

This post was brought to you by the magic of coffee and KEXP 90.3 Seattle.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Manic Monday...

2008-03-17T03:31:00.003-04:00

I got nothing for you on a Monday morning so three quick questions to get the blood flowing:

If you could have any music group or musician play at a party, who would you hire?
If money were no object, I would probably get Less Than Jake or The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. If I were have to pay for it out of pocket, maybe Dazy Head Mazy.

Name three things to be happy about today.
Four more days until the weekend.
I'm no longer hungover.
Managed to get a lot of cleaning done yesterday.

How do you release frustration?
Dancing and singing along to good music
Video Games
Exercise
masturbation

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

OUT OF COMMISSION...

2008-03-16T19:42:00.002-04:00

So I did something today I typically don't do. I called out of work. I just couldn't deal either physically or emotionally and therefore...I had an unexpected three day weekend. It doesn't seem like it to me because I spent most of my time, doing shit I didn't want to do or thinking about stuff I would rather not have but at any rate, at least I was able to get myself back in semi-working order.

In a couple of minutes I'm going to run to the grocery store and pick up some food. I don't have anything here I think I should put into my body right now and at this point, the 67,000 gallons of water I've consumed since last night are just not doing it for me.

Even though I hate going out, especially to bars/clubs, the highlight of last night was running into Mr. & Mrs. D-fense. I met D-fense while working at Fleet ben Bank of America and we were able to get ourselves through the most torturous job in history. D and I have tried to keep in contact since we went our separate ways but it's been hard. He is now married and when he's not doing the married thing, he's grading papers, as he teaches high school english. I like Mrs. D-fense but like so many other of my friends wives, I get the feeling she doesn't care for me all that much. Anyway, D-fense and I rehashed some of the good ol days and after awhile, he mentioned how much he also hates going, out and how we should get together for some guitar hero or something. Now that, I can get behind.

I'll write more later, but right now I'm on a grocery buying mission.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Damn I miss Winona...

2008-03-16T01:58:00.002-04:00

What's up I are drunk blogging. I went out tonight against my will and better judgement and as I sit here and type this, I just finished eating most of a large fries and 5 all the way from, The Avenue Grill.

If you know what Im talking about,the you are either from RI or are cooler than me.

I went to McFadden's tonight and even though it was semi cool, I still would have rather stayed hiome and read a book.

Now all I can think about is passing out and banging out of work tomorrow. Awesome...
thansk booze, yer the bestsz!

No green bere tonight, just Guinness.

I hope you are all well.

Cheers,
JJ

I'm sinking slowly...

2008-03-15T02:17:00.001-04:00

1:58 AM and here I sit banging out yet another installment of, “Called Out at Home.”

Earlier, I broke one of the cardinal rules of blogging, at least one of the rules laid down by, “the blogfather.” I revealed my blog to someone I know. Someone who knows me, and more importantly, someone who makes unannounced, guest appearances in my blog. However, as I have been doing more and more things outside of my comfort zone, “fuck fear” I'm still going to write what I think and feel. Those of you and yes, there are more than one, who read about yourselves in my blog and don't dig on what you are reading...

There are a million and one other fucking things you could be doing right now!

Later on tonight I will be going out for St. Patrick's day. Yeah...it's a week early and I fucking hate going out for St. Paddy's day but if I don't the relentless amount of bullshit I will have to endure from my co-workers is going to be more of a price than, enduring the disease that is Providence night-life for a few hours.

Earlier today I played some Guitar Hero II: Legends of Rock. Fun. Then I did some laundry and looked at my hair for awhile. God damn do I want to cut it! Why can't locks of love accept donations of 5 inches? Phone call to a friend, pasta and beans, writing, remembering or lackthereof.

I think I am developing arthritis in my neck and shoulders. Getting older is awesome. U2 playing in the background and I can still hear the absence of the clackity-clack of my fingers banging the keyboard. What would Chuck Bukowski say? He'd probably call me a pussy, punch me in the back of the head, and tell me to have a drink and get back at it. Thanks Chuck, a blow to the head and a drink are exactly what I need right now. Jerk.

What I really need is some warm weather, some good conversation and some peace and quiet time. Maybe on a beach somewhere in the south pacific. Maybe somewhere where there is no internet and I would have to again scribble my thoughts in composition books bought for a few dollars at the local CVS(hate that fucking place) before leaving civilization.

I turn 35 soon and all I want is to be done with school. To be able to move away, start a new job and a new life of peace and quiet and disconnect. A life consisting of work, four walls, good music, better food, great coffee, and solitude. I want my birthday to pass without notice and will do as much as I can to make sure that happens, even if I have to get a court order to seal my records from my boss. Fuck a birthday card and a balloon. I still have to go to work. The last thing I want to have to do is go out with people I don't really like all that much and drink.

Maybe I'm exorcising demons. Maybe that's what all of this, “FUCK FEAR” bullshit is? Maybe it's a last ditch attempt at being cool. I mean like really cool, not just the, “hey, at least my mom thinks I'm cool,” kind of cool.

Now the Goo Goo Dolls are on and the pain that resides in Iowa is called to mind and to be honest, I could care less. People make their beds, dirty and otherwise and regardless, they have to sleep in them. A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio and I won't tell them your name. Or mine or who I once was or hoped to be.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Eat it...

2008-03-13T10:55:00.001-04:00

A friend recently gave me a topic to expound upon: The Current State of Fast Food in the Ocean State. While at first I was a bit hesitant, after some thought, there are several things I would like to bring up.

It Ain't What It Used To Be: There was a time when you could go and eat at a fast food restaurant, or take it away and not feel as though you were not getting hijacked both financially and nutritionally. Those days seem to be long gone. Has anyone noticed the combo meals, originally designed to, “save time and money” are not really of any value? What kills me is that on the menu, with pictures of exquisite food items, never to reach your hands, the “value meals” are always crowded with that little blurb saying something to the effect of, “get the sandwich for $5.99 or the COMBO FOR $23.99!!!!” It's almost as if these companies are betting on the fact we've become such lazy, non-thinkers, so entrenched in an instant gratification society, that we won't take five seconds to do the math, because those seconds don't come with freedom fries and enough soda to make three small children piss their pants. Corporate America is betting on the fact that we as consumers are going to feel good about shelling out hard-earned cash for something dressed up in bright colors, with tons of exclamation points and cool graphics. “HOLY SHIT!!! THIS IS A GREAT DEAL!!! DON'T MISS OUT BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS BUYING THIS GARBAGE!!!!!” Honestly...

I remember a time when you could get two bean burritos and a drink at Taco Bell for like $2.25. Now I know I sound like Grampa Grouch, someone's dad or just a crotchety old bastard typing things like this but on a recent drive thru experience, not at Taco Bell, I ordered one of the aforementioned “value meals” and my total was something like $9.50. After thanking the squawk-box, drove around muttering to myself, “WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST GET THAT'S $9.50? FUCK THAT RED-HEADED WHORE AND HER FUCKING SQUARE HAMBURGERS!!!” Honestly, I hate the taste of the meat at Wendy's and feel that it's on par with what I think aardvark shit would taste like. If it's Wendy's for me, its chicken. But enough about the economics...

Our Discriminating Pallets: I found out about ten years back that RI is used as a test market by many companies, especially those in the food and beverage industry. Think I'm kidding, go to a Dunkin Donuts outside of the North East and see if you can find the menagerie of bullshit sold at your local Rhody Dunkin'. Flatbreads, pizza, toasted submarine sandwiches, bagel sandwiches, smoothies, kooladas, and generally anything void of any nutrition. There was a time when the double D, sold coffee and donuts, that was it. I can remember being a kid and sometimes accompanying my dad, on his Saturday coffee run. The selection of donuts was wall to wall, but back then, stores were not the size of warehouses to accommodate a million different types of products. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not the selection nazi and I don't think our choices of coffee should be black or not black nor plain or sprinkles for donuts, but the cynic in me does believe we are assaulted with so many choices, that we can be goaded into the more expensive, “tastier, more bang for you buck(wink-wink) options.”

Anyone remember Crystal Pepsi? Probably not since it was an abomination against God and all his children, but I bet the person who pitched it to Pepsi remembers. They probably remember very well because it more than likely ruined their career and they never worked again. My reason for bringing Crystal Pepsi up was that back in 1992, it was test marketed in three cities: Dallas, Denver and you guessed it Providence. Why little Rhody you ask? Due to the fact we have such discerning tastes and also that we don't stand for bologna. Anyhow this seems relevant to me as the quality of fast food nose-dives for the basement. When Domino's pizza first opened up the pizza was not Casserta's but it was good and quick. Now when I hear Domino's, I think Turd in a Box. The same of Papa John's , they were great out of the gate, but now their pizza is of questionable quality. Why pay for the name and get screwed when I can get a pizza exponentially better from a local merchant? If you live in the Providence or North Providence area, two words, GOLDEN CRUST.

Target Market: My friends and I often talk about nothing. We've elevated it to an art form higher than Larry David could ever hope to achieve and food often comes up, as we all enjoy eating. Recently, the airwaves have been inundated with commercials from fast food companies, NOWHERE NEAR HERE, more specifically SONIC. When I went to college in the Mid West, I was introduced to Hardee's and Carl's Jr. basically the same place with a different name. Anyway, back then, coming from an area where Rockdonald's, BurgerSchwing and the aforementioned red-headed whore were our only burger options, Hardee's was a breath of fresh air. I fell in love and maybe it was like being attracted to the punk rock girl in high school, when all of your friends were young republicans or maybe it was just the fact that greasy shit tastes awesome at 3 in the morning, even if it still greasy shit. Long story short. I love drinks. I have always been a drink guy, trying the new Snapple flavors as they came out, the extreme drinks, the fuels, the NO FEARS, basically anything I could get my hands on. Last summer, after about a year of hearing about all of Sonic's 12,000 different drink combinations, I couldn't take it any more. I googled the nearest location: Ephrata, PA 290 miles South West of me. One night, beginning of my weekend, I fueled up the F1 and made the pilgrimage. The food was of great quality for fast food, but the drinks were awesome. I love the fact you can get any drink you want in slush form. Being a diabetic, I also appreciate the fact there is more than one diet/sugar free drink option on the menu. Not only could I get Diet Coke, but Diet Dr. Pepper (FUCK YEAH!!) and an assortment of other non-syrup-laden choices. I went with a Diet Cherry Limeade and to be honest, I've never been much of an -ade fan, but that drink was delicious. I bring this story up only because the commercials nearly drove me fucking insane. Now, I'm seeing commercials for Red Robin, Chick-fil-a and a whole host of bullshit. It's enough to make me throw my television out the window.

So, in conclusion, until we stop paying for shit, we will continue to eat it. Yeah the drive thru is easy but what are you really getting? If you are really after something truly horrible for you, there nothing better than a stop at the N.Y. System for a few, all the way.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Sorry...

2008-03-11T01:26:00.002-04:00

Needed to hear the keys under the weight of my fingers.

My Current life:
1. What was the highlight of your week? Friday & Saturday...not working

2. Whose car were you in last? besides mine: JG's

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? Haley's Comet comes again when?

4. What color shirt are you wearing? blue

5. How long is your hair? Annoying and almost in my mouth

6. Are you good looking? I don't have horns or live under a bridge...

7. Last movie you watched? Into the Wild

8. Who were you with? myself

9. Last thing you ate? Chicken sandwich

10. Last thing you drank? Diet coke

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? I lost count

12. Who came over last? No one comes over....ever.

13. Are you happy right now? I've been better and I've been worse.

14. What did you say last? "Thank you"

15. Where is your phone? On the desk next to me

16. What color are your eyes? blue

17. Are you left-handed? nope

18. Spell your name without vowels: Jms

19. Do you have any pets? No

20. Favorite Vacation? A what?

21. What do you dislike currently? the cold weather/my job

22. What are you listening to? The keyboard

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? The last 12 years of my life back

24. What is your favorite scent? Freshly shampooed female

25. Who makes you happiest? unconsciousness

26. What were you doing at midnight last night? Attempting to sleep

27. When is your birthday? Don't need to know

28. Who has the same phone as you? I'm sure someone does

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? Sometime last summer

30. Do you read your horoscope? sometimes

31. Where was the last place you bought something? Dunkin Donuts

32. How do you feel about your hair right now? I want it gone

33. Do you bite your nails? no

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery? no

35. Do you have any expensive jewelery? NO

36. Myspace or facebook? Both

37. How fast have you driven a car? 114 mph according to the RISP

38. Have you ever smoked? yes

39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? English

40. Do you have Verizon? yes

41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? It takes someone special or at least someone good at deception.

42. Do you have any hidden talents? Yes

43. Favorite Song? Look What Happened by Less Than Jake

44. Do you like to sing at all? yes.

45. Dream Job? Writer / Blogger

46. Where does most of your family live? RI

47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? I have a brother

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? Sure

49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? Here we go again

50. Do you drink? Socially

51. Know any other languages? no

52. Ever write a coded message? yes

53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? I was the worst best man once

54. Do you have any children? no

55. Did you take a nap today? no.

56. Who has the same birthday as you? Heath Ledger, David Cross, Maya Angelou

57. Ever met anyone famous before? Ethan Hawke, Henry Rollins

58. Do you want to be famous one day? Who doesn't?

59. Any Pet Peeves? Tons

60. Are you multitasking right now? No

61. Do you like Britany Spears? No

62. What is your least favorite chore? Mopping

63. Last place you drove your car? work

64. Ever been out of the country? yes

65. Where were you born? Providence

How in the...

2008-03-10T02:30:00.001-04:00

Tell me I didn't feel like the biggest tool box in the world when I accidentally deleted my recycle bin and then was so frustrated trying to find it, I needed to go to bed. God Bless both Google and Yahoo Answers...

After dodging yet anther technological bullet, I'm trying to get back into the swing of this writing thing. I used to be fairly consistent, if not here, at least in college, before the thought of a blog had even dawned on me. Nowadays, if people have things they want to express and want people to see/read them, there is no excuse. Whether it's blogger, typepad, wordpress or even the dreaded: livejournal/deadjournal, the resources for you self expression are available and with a few exceptions, are totally free.

Things at work are tight and getting more constrictive by the second. It seems as though every day I go in, there is another unit or department closing. I think the only reason I still have a job is because I work with the, “worst of the worst.” I guess there is something to be said for that and not everyone could do my job, I just hope I'm around until I'm through nursing school or at least damn close.

I've seen a couple of movies over the past week or so. Here are short and sweet reviews.

Vantage Point: Why? What was the purpose other than to confuse people and rob them of their hard-earned cash. I mean I know Dennis Quaid has to eat, but so don't the movie going public. This film was disjointed and repetitive and in the end, didn't really say anything except, “the terrorists win.” I have to wonder what the directors were thinking about character development for Forrest Whitaker and Sigourney Weaver, because there was none.

Jumper: Cool flick. Plain and simple. Sort of a action/adventure flick that meets The Matrix, but avoids all of the mind-bending philosophy. Good to see Hayden Christiansen back at work in something other then Jedi garb. Christiansen plays the geek, from the dysfunctional family, who somehow learns to teleport through space, thus exponentially improving his life. Nothing life changing of a film here but still very enjoyable. I thought trying to disguise Samuel Jackson as Sisqo or however you spell that R'n'B assholes name, was hilarious. Rachel Bilson was unfortunately cast as Christiansen's love interest and to be honest, she sucks. I hated her on The OC, I will probably go to my grave thinking she is a talentless hack. Jamie Bell's, Griffin was excellent and I think left a door open for possibly a Jumper II or maybe a Griffin spin-off. Obviously there is unfinished business between Jackson's character and everyone else in the film. While I would not be upset paying full price to see this movie, it makes for an excellent matinee or netflix selection.

Bank Job: Who is smoother than Jason Statham? Probably no one, at least in Bank Job. Statham's, Terry Leather is a small time crook, trying to make good for his family. Being connected with the Who's who in the London criminal underground comes in handy for Leather, when a bank heist, too good to resist, falls in his lap. Without giving too much away, this was a very enjoyable film. Had this not been an advanced screening, I would have had no worries about paying $$$ to see Bank Job. Based on true events, Bank Job is a good time, so much so, I might even add it to my netflix queue just to see it again and/or check out the special features.

Into the Wild: While I think Emile Hirsch gives a phenomenal performance here, I wonder if this Sean Penn adaptation of Jon Krakauer's novel, Into Thin Air, was more of a look at how growing up in a totally dysfunctional family affected Christopher McCandless, rather than an expose on his wilderness adventures. The film was enjoyable but towards the end it almost seemed as though you knew the outcome and much like Titanic, you just wanted it to be over. Totally netflix or rent this if you are even remotely interested. Though this is not a spoiler, Into the Wild is not a pick-me-up type of film.

Well, that's about all I have for now. You know what to do if you have something to say.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Life is...

2008-02-28T11:17:00.002-05:00

I have things in my head, not that I necessarily need to get out...
but they are in my head none the less.

This post feels forced to me and that's the worst. Writing to write, when you have nothing to say. I find it to be even more idiotic and inane than conversations about the weather, because in reality, I am conversing with myself here. Let's be honest.

I went out for a beer after work last night. Something I don't usually do, but that has become more frequent with recent staffing changes. I had one beer. One beer. I guess you could say I was not in the mood to drink, or maybe it was the company, either way, all I could think of was that, in a bar, at midnight on a Wednesday, was one of the last places I wished I was.

Work really drains me and when I'm done, all I want to do is go home and decompress. I want to throw on a hoodie and some fleecy pants and call it a day. I was at work for like 14 hours yesterday, which probably greatly contributed to my postal feelings when I left. I have another long day today, not 14 hours long, but long enough. At least I am on the brink of my weekend.

Lately, people have been telling me I need to make changes in my life. That I should not be so eager to settle and be done with life. Whatever, walk a mile in a man's shoes, yadda...yadda...yadda.

A couple of days ago, I walked across the street to the convenience store. I was after a cherry soda and some cheese balls. As I took the same path to the cooler I always do, I realized I never pay attention to anything any more. When I actually stopped and looked around, the store that provided me with late night munchies and the latest issues of whatever video game magazine was popular at the time, had transformed and is now a place where people can buy used VHS tapes, fake name brand merchandise, bongs and other grass tacticals and jack-it mags. After that, I couldn't stomach the cheese balls and the cherry soda was, shall we say a little bit bitter. Hooray for progress, right?

At least I'm starting to see more sunshine everyday. Even if not, I still have Less Than Jake right?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Come On Heat Mizer!!!

2008-02-24T11:36:00.002-05:00

Let it be said right here and right now, I am all FUCKING DONE with Winter!

Winter can go and fuck itself in its filthy, rotten, snow-congested asshole for all I care. NO MORE SNOW THIS WINTER!!!

I'm so tired of shoveling and uncovering my car that I don't care if the planet shrivels up into a fucking dust bowl, as long as there is no more snow. I mean I know it's still winter but we're almost into March and it's still colder than a polar bears asshole, with wind and frigid temperatures and shit. GAHH!!

In other news, work has been fucking crazy as of late, with riots on H Block almost every night. I have been training new people, which basically means I have been working by myself for the last week. Yeah, that's awesome.

It's Sunday here in little Rhody and we all know what that means, there is no rock anywhere on the radio. With the exception of WHJY, which doesn't acknowledge that time has not stopped at 1987, there is no reasonably new rock on the radio, on Sunday. Thank God for my ipod.

After spending what seemed like 45 minutes cleaning the crispity crunchity crust of snow off of my car, I was able to drive to T-Ho's to get a PHENOMENAL cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich with sausage. I don't normally indulge in the fast food breakfast, but my recent regimen of oatmeal with raisins, has left me desiring something bad. This morning, I had it. G-licious!

I knew I was in for some sideways glances this morning as I pulled around the drive through. I had nail polish on my nails, (easiest way to describe why, is I lost a bet) and had not been able to take it off yet. So, of course I knew everyone who works the morning drive thru at T-Ho's was going to find a reason to come to the window and ask me a question. I was right, about 37 people asked me if I wanted to make my order a combo, or some variation there of. I get it. It's not every AM you get to see some big burly motherfucker wearing nail polish and blaring Lamb of God, in the drive thru. To be honest, I'm sure there are many more strange things than that, but I digress.

Time to get ready for my new and hopefully, improved week of work. I bought some new sunglasses this weekend on the internet. I'm hoping this might motivate summer to get here a little faster.

Any thoughts? Or have I spent my hard earned dollars to look like a douchebag?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Fuck lazy assess...

2008-02-18T08:14:00.001-05:00

in the goat ass!

Got some stuff I want to say but, I just worked 16 hours straight and I need to finish hammering down this oatmeal and go to bed.

oh and I have to be back to work for 3pm...

AWESOME

I know there was no sentence structure, grammar or syntax going on up above.

Cut me some slack!

Hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

So much to...

2008-02-17T14:44:00.002-05:00

read and write down and so little time. Goddamn, I need a sugar-mama to hook me up with some cha-ching. Having to go to work everyday is really putting a cramp in my investigative and creative endeavours.

How did you like my Canadian flavour?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Just a little...

2008-02-16T06:17:00.000-05:00

something to break the monotony.

Yep, it's still really fucking cold.

While I've always been able to wait out Spring without too much anxiety, this year has been a bit tougher. We've been lucky here and haven't been inundated with snow unlike other places in the country, but the cold stretches of weather have been a bit much. I mean here we are mid way through February and it's still very, very chilly.

Not much going on other than work and well..work. I have a new boss and for the most part he seems like a pretty cool guy. He comes in with a background in the type of work that I do, so it's somewhat comforting that I don't have to break in a “newbie” so to speak. Since I've been back with, “the Agency” things have been up and down. Right now things are really fucking stressful and honestly it takes all of my energy to get through a shift, let alone getting frozen in for two in a row.

In other news...

I'm looking for a new doctor. Not that my old doctor was bad, but in the coming months, I'm going to have neither the time, nor desire to drive down the coast probably twice a month. Plus if I were to have to do that, well then, I guess there would be more visits with my parents.

Don't get me wrong, love them to death and wish I could see them more, but sometimes I just really, really need solid blocks of alone time. I don't call my place, “the fortress of solitude” for nothing.

Today is Saturday, February 16th and most of the day will be spent cleaning said, “fos” as it will heretofore be referred to. I'm not the dirtiest guy on the planet, but not the cleanest either. Sometime when you let life get ahead of you, you come home and realize your place is starting to look like one of the residences on COPS. That's probably a good time to start cleaning.

However, I'm not the only person who has let life run away with them, or forgotten what's it's like to be young and have fun. Check this “Dude” out.

While I am in full agreement that Baltimore is a dangerous city, and probably a very tough city to be a police officer in, this “officer of the law” who is sworn to, “protect and serve” did nothing but bully and intimidate. You have to give respect to get it and while the teen in question uttered no profanity or vulgar language, he was probably to frightened to conform to the orders and insults being barked at him. And police officers all over wonder why they get a bad rap. Maybe if dough nut donkeys like Officer Rivieri could spend a little more time in sensitivity training or working with abused kids, he might learn how to speak to people the way he wants to be spoken to.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Sick and Tired...but mostly sick

2008-02-09T03:16:00.000-05:00

Hi, you might not know me but my name is Buckley. JJ calls me Buck for short. Jackass Jimmy has come down with a hell of a cold. I gave him some of my awful-tasting cough mixture and he seems to be sleeping, fitfully, in the recliner, right next to this computer. It seems as though JJ has been somewhat lazy in posting, so while he's sleeping let's chat awhile shall we?

So, I guess you check in here from time to time and see if he's written anything. I bet that's disappointing for you most times. It is for me too. The funny thing is, even though JJ(as I like to call him)sees things from the darker side of life, he really has a way of expressing himself that's just hilarious sometimes. Other times well, no one bats 1000%.

Good ol' JJ has been working like a son of a gun! There was lots of overtime last week and not much sleep. I remember him coming home one night a little later than usual, he was acting weird, almost as if he had too much to drink. Then he started calling a text messaging almost everyone he knew. Ha! That boy was on a roll! Lately, JJ has been talking about the new Angels and Airwaves disc. That thing has been on repeat for like weeks. Hopefully, he'll get tired of it soon. It's not that I'm not a fan but in case you didn't know, I'm from Canada and would much rather hear some Our Lady Peace or Tea Party.

I have been telling JJ to get as much rest as he can but, “there are video games to be played and books to be read...” is all he ever says. Poor guy. He works hard all week and when his weekend rolls around, he has to spend the whole thing sleeping, cause he's sick.

Well the constant coughing that was keeping ol' JJ up all night seems to have gone the way of the buffalo. Just shows you that your cough medicine doesn't have to be all filled with sugar or alcohol to work. Granted, I might not taste like a fruit basket, but wouldn't you rather take something that works right away, versus something that tastes good? Me too. I'm going to stop typing for awhile, that big bastard over there is snoring like a drunken hobo and I'd feel bad waking him.

You all have a good night and we'll meet again soon.

As ol' JJ says, “I hope you all are well.”

Cheers,
Buck

Yadda...Yadda...Yadda

2008-01-26T01:50:00.000-05:00

So this is the new year...

I finished 2007 strong, working and receiving an A in my nursing class.

2008 has started off somewhat differently.

I'm back to work at: The Agency, different unit, same bullshit. I'm now working the 3-11 shift, which in someways is better for me. I'm often early for my shift, rather than 10-15 minutes late. This does a great deal for my accumulation of vacation and earned time, which is always good. However, even with Fridays & Saturdays off, I still find having a tough time having any sort of a life.

So...

there has been some reading getting done. But, there has also been a ton of sleeping and video game playing. For those of you ensconced in the real of dorkdom like myself, God of War 2, for the Playstation 2, is one bad mama-jama, and better than the first if you can believe that.

My brother recommended Kung Fu High School to me. He's a bright guy with diverse interests, but sometimes I honestly don't know where he finds some of the books he reads. Not your typical novel, KFHS deals with several cliques in a high school who spend their time building body armor, weapons of ass destruction and battling one another. Maybe not to much of stretch of the truth from todays public school systems, but I'm glad I'm light years removed from all of that bullshit.

I should be in school this semester. I'm a procrastinating dumbass and waited and waited and waited to take a test I need to take before I'm able to register for more classes. This is ultimately putting me further behind the eight ball (a place I don't want to be) and will probably force me to spend an additional winter in the beast.

Have I learned? Yes, there will be no more procrastinating as I have crafted daily to do lists. Now if I can only remember where I put it.

Only one day off this week as I have to cover for my 30 year old boss, who is attending a professional wrestling event. What have I done to deserve this?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

2008-01-22T13:10:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to lie, I've been away for sometime. However, what better and more lame of a return to the blog than a MEME? Also, I totally poached this from www.beantowngeek.com Just trying to give credit, where credit is due.

Year in Review meme
1.What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

Earned a 4.0 GPA WOOHOO!!!

2.Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I generally don't make them as I have so much going on, I can never remember what they were. However there are some standing orders I have for myself, which I suppose could be considered resolutions. In no certain order:
* Try and make less of me
*Try to cook more and healthier
*More positive self talk
*Be happier
*breathe

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Kate and Smitty had a beautiful baby boy

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

- More Joy.
- Less debt.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

12.31.07 20 years in the making and well worth it.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

4.0 I was a basket of nerves the whole time but it was for the greater good.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not taking tests I need to take to make more academic progress and underestimating a Sicilian when death was on the line.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Psoriasis...grrr...Diabetes...double grrr!!! Other than those two, maybe a cold here and there. It was a pretty good year illness wise.

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?

A case of Florida Citrus

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

W's (not the asshat in office) and the Citrus Queen

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Moon Man and SP's

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills, rent, women who have no intention of being anywhere near as good to me as I am to them.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Fat kid Pilgrimage '07 and 12.31.07

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Here in your Arms - Hellogoodbye

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Overall happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Wee bit thinner.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Traveled, specifically, CA,MN and IL

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worried.

20. How do you plan to spend Christmas?

Same as always friends and family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

You know, being the sap I am, that's a loaded question, but no.

22. How many one night stands?

None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Top Chef

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Yes.

25. What was the best book you read?

Women by Charles Bukowski.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Jack's Mannequin

27. What did you want and get?

One of the 12000 drink combinations from Sonic

28. What did you want and not get?

A forever friend...

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I Am Legend.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

34 and maybe dinner but, my brother took me, JC and W to Fenway Park to see the Sox vs. Yanks and the 4 consecutive home runs!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not being betrayed by someone I bent over backwards for.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Have you seen the way I dress? One part tornado, one part college student

33. What kept you sane?

My friends both real and virtual, music and my ipod, my family, and as always...diet soda

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Keith Olbermann.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

The non-stop lying and warmongering as well as the democratic infighting.

36. Who do you miss?

Erick, Citrus Queen and pretty much anyone I went to college with, though there are some exceptions

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Hutch, John Stone and Mikey Lo

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007?

It's not going to stop.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Don't let the bastards grind you down...

Dashboard Reflectional...

2007-10-31T23:35:00.000-04:00

The worst is when you can't tell if you are angry at someone or not. If you want to punch them in the face or make sweet, sweet love to them. It's not often I'm in this state of flux and ergo, why I am having such a tough time dealing. Truth be told, I'm not sure weather this is anger or gasp, dare I say, ”jealousy”... Hey, Jealousy. But I do know it was tough to find a sympathetic ear when I was in tough shape for driving.

Whatever...

Just cause I listen to the same listen music as 17 year old boys, doesn't mean I'm not in touch with or completely lack feelings. I guess as a person who lacks feeling, that's tough to comprehend. My wish for you would be to find some someday. Whether you want to believe me or not, they're not all that bad.

I hope you all are well.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SURLY PUMP MONKEY!!!

Cheers,
JJ

What the fuck...

2007-10-30T13:08:00.000-04:00

Is there no intelligent life on this rock?

I've searched maybe not long, maybe not hard, but I've at least searched for good blogs from RI. I don't even include my own blog in the “good blog” category as I update about as much as Courtney Love washes her box, but still...

Are we that devoid of thought and contribution to force me to pay for a subscription to deadjournal, so I can link to teens from RI, who write consistently at least, albeit over who sucks less cock, My Chemical Romance or The Used...

Most of the blog directories I have found have offered carbon copy links. I've even gone through some of my tried and true “go to” links and have come back with nothing.

I suppose I could be like every other person who just wants hits and link to Dooce, but I have a bit more pride than to link to someone I don't know and more importantly, someone I don't read on a consistent basis.

Then there is the, “link to Rhode Islander's on myspace.” Yeah, file that under fuck that. Real bloggers don't blog on myspace. Though I suppose Mystery Cookie and other might argue. Really, how can one argue with someone with the moniker, Mystery Cookie?

Once I have some technical issues taken care of, I'm not promising anything but I am going to make a concerted effort to make my blog, one of the better ones in RI.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
jG