Thursday, February 17, 2005

Tales from the trough

I hate going grocery shopping. It ranks right up there with cleaning the bathroom and washing the kitchen floor. Like the aforementioned chores, it has to get done, otherwise this guy goes hungry. Don’t make me hungry Mr. Smith, you wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry. Now I’m sure that most of you are saying, “Come on Jackass, grocery shopping isn’t all that bad.” For the most part I agree with you. It’s not the act of shopping that bothers me so, but the crowds of screaming simpletons one encounters at the local food warehouse.

I enjoy getting up ridiculously early on my days off to shop, (like today) so that I can take my time looking at the produce, ogling the melons and of course, squeezing the Charmin. Most days when I have completed my shift at the Agency, I stop by the market on my way home. The throngs of shrieking children, parents not paying attention and others yakking on cell phones are too much to take. On these afternoons, I immediately convert to search & seizure mode in order to get the eff out of the store as soon as possible. This morning I was able to select the choicest of red peppers @ $237,000 a pound as well as some: asparagus, fresh spinach and kalumata olives (mmmm…kalumata olives) pepper jack cheese, eggs, milk, bagels, oranges and some other unmentionables. There were no herds of people wandering around the store like they were looking for the Promised Land with Moses. In an hour I was able to go to and from the store, cook a sumptuous breakfast and be relaxing with a steaming cup of java and the morning paper in the time it normally takes to find the most capable cashier. God bless earlier mornings!

Some of you maybe wondering if I am an anti-social, narcissistic, grump. If you were to judge me on the content here, then it may appear that way, but I can assure you, I love people and have been accused of being a social butterfly…so there!

In other news, I watched Open Water the other day. Color me unimpressed. It was just terribly slow and if you had any inkling about the plot going into the movie, then you were tortured by the wait more than the characters in the film. I was however impressed by the fact this film was shot with a video camera available to the general consumer. It was a good looking film for being a semi-independent film sold to the corporate devils in Hollywood. Other then that, it was just bad. Bad dialogue, no exposition and you saw the end coming 10 minutes after the film started. * sigh * At least I had the Grammy Awards to entertain me. Wait, no, don’t even get me started on that crap yet… That’s a post for another cup of coffee.

-- End Transmission --


jodi said...

first of all color me impressed for the color me unimpressed line. you a 'mats fan?

also grocery shopping blows such a vast quantity of goats that i cannot evne comprehend such goat blowing.

it's not JUST the crowds, but the put it in the cart, takeit out of the cart put it on conveyor, take it off the conveyor and put it into a bag and put the bag into the cart, put the bag into your car, take the bag out of your car, take grocieries out of the bag and put them on your shelf.

i'm exhausted just typing it all.

JackassJimmy said...

maybe it's just my brain being fried from too much coffee today, but you lost me with the 'mats fan question.Other than that, I hate shopping but not as much as going to get my oil changed. The chairs in the shop are not even comfortable enough to attempt reading.

It's bad enough to make someone consider reading in the shop mens room...and that just ain't right!

jodi said...

how did i lose you with the 'mats question?

JackassJimmy said...

Cause I have no idea who or what 'mats reffers to.

Sorry fer being a dumbass.