Saturday, June 28, 2008


So I can think of roughly eleventy-billion things I would rather do than go to work on my day off.

Color me Dante, but, "I'm not even supposed to be there today."

The thing that sucks most is that, no wait, the other things sucks most. The thing that sucks the second most, is that after leaving work on any given night, my phone will ring roughly 5-6 hours later, asking me if I can come in and work. 5-6 hours after I have just finished a shift. Most nights I am just going to bed 5-6 hours later.

What's funny, well maybe not funny but at least ironic, is most of the reason the Agency needs me to come in, is so that the morning sup can go and sit in meetings all day and not work. yeah right, go fuck yourself!!! There were plenty of mornings when I was working and had shit to do and there were staffing issues. You know what? just have to miss those meetings. Yeah, I know getting of the unit and not working with our "guests" is a great perk, but you are a cunt and should know better.

So, after one day off, I get to go back to Hell Inc. and spend what has turned into a gorgeous day making sure all is right with the wrongest of inmates. Fan-fucking-tastic!!!

I hope you all are well.


Friday, June 27, 2008

Tales of Chet....

The other morning I woke and was sure I was either dead or hallucinating...

yes, I had been up late the night before but not that late
yes, I had been drinking the night before but not that drunk
yes, there was fast food before bed, but not that much fast food
however, there was, when I awoke a raccoon in my living room

I blinked a few times and tried to wipe the sleep from my eyes
shaking my head, trying to knock the cobwebs loose, I looked at the raccoon, who happened to be paying me no mind.
“no way...”

Oh...way my friend!

Cool, the raccoon was talking to me so I MUST still be dreaming!

Not only are you not dreaming, but I can read your mind, so watch it there sweet pea

Holy shit!!! There is a talking raccoon in my living room. What the hell am I going to do?

Well the polite thing would be to offer me a drink, but as you don't even know my name yet Jim, I can see why you haven't.

I was still shaking my head in disbelief and swearing off booze forever, like a thousand times before. The inside of my mouth tasted like the bathroom floor of a bus station and my head started to pound like one of those fucking night clubs that were so popular in the early 90's. My pores were opening and the ghosts of a thousand nights of $2 long island iced teas and endless tap beer began to haunt my questionable consciousness.

Listen guy, you can call me Chet, or Uncle Frank, whatever is better for you...

Uncle Frank? What the hell is that about? What are you doing here?

I wish I knew guy. I thought I was dead and in that big dump in the sky and I am.

So you're dead?!

I could be...I'm not really sure, but this place is a dump and you've got plenty of trash to eat so I'm not going to complain.

Hey Uncle Frank, why don't you watch your mouth. There's nothing saying I can't wrap you up in a box and throw your ass outside.

Yeah, you could do that but your old and slow and besides I know you are afraid of me biting you, as well you should be. They don't even have shots yet for the shit I'd give you.

I'm not afraid of you...and what do you mean by, “the shit you'd give me?”

ghost rabies...

Ghost rabies...fuck!!!! That sounds intense!

You bet you sweet showroom ass it's intense. Doctors the world over are constantly baffled by it and yet never work to cure it, so I guess that works in my favor.

Yeah, I guess it does. So you really have no idea how you got here or what you are doing?

Bro, this place is not Fort Knox. One of my living brethren could easily shimmy up the deck and with the use of our opposable thumbs, open the door and walk in. You might want to work on that.

Did you just, “Bro” me?

I did but don't worry about that. As far as what I'm doing here, maybe I'm here to tell you to clean this place up. Maybe I'm here to tell you to not waste time on your day off snoozing and doing shit that is counter productive to your dreams. Maybe I'm here to tell you that, “the guy upstairs” has given you some great tools to work with and you're fucking blowing it down here. Just maybe that's what I'm saying...or here to say, I guess.

Yeah, I've been meaning to tidy up a bit. I know I've been wasting time but things just seem to get in the way all the fucking time and on my days off, I just want to relax and recharge.

Listen guy, I hear that but the strategies you are using are causing you to fall into the Paula Abdul syndrome...


Two steps forward, three steps back.


Without a doubt broseph. As far as things getting in your way, bfd, it happens to everyone, you just gotta keep on keepin' on. You think I wanna be here, talking to your dumb ass versus rooting through that big trash pile in the sky? WRONG...but apparently I took my opposable thumbs for granted during my life and now I have to earn my wings or thumbs as the case may be, before I can go and eat the “good garbage” and sleep in fleece-lined nests.

But I've been better about the blogging though.

You have bro...but let's be honest, no one is coming banging or even knocking on your door for you to write for them. Bro, like three people read your blog and two of them are your Mom and your brother. I've seen your sitemeter stats bro, poor is being generous. So let's refocus the focus on school and nothing else for awhile, mmmk?

Ahh, ah ah. Remember I can read your mind, I know school is hard. In my life, I was an actuary, I dealt with heavy duty math all day long 6 days a week. Thank God for my thumbs!

Is that what did you in? The math, the pressure?

Nah bro...I used to eat a ton of fast food and smoke Kools like they were never going to make them again. All the pressure, the work, bad eating habits, the smoking & drinking and screwing around on the wife...all of that combined, that's what ran my clock out.

All that shit and you cheating on your wife and you think you're here to save me so you can move on? How about the fact that you were a douchebag in life and now maybe it's time to pay the fiddler?

Why a douchebag bro? Don't get all high and mighty on me. Let's be honest, you have not always been Mr. Clean-livin' your entire life. On top of don't live, you work and then come home and bunker down in your four walls and dream of things you have no intention of working towards. Oh boo-hoo, I wish my life was more interesting... Geez

Hey Uncle Frank, why don't you go fuck yourself? Go bother someone who gives a shit man.

But you do give a shit man, if you didn't you would not be in the job you're in, you would not have the friends you have, extend yourself so thin for other people, that they don't even have a unit of measurement small enough to describe how thin you get. When your phone rings at 3:30 in the morning and that crazy chick, you know, “the one you don't give a shit about” calls and she's crying, and you pull on pants and go out in the rain at 4 in the morning, just to make her feel totally give a shit. You give too much of a shit. You give so much of a shit, most days you've got nothing left for yourself.

I know...

You gotta start being more selfish man. It's natural and ok to want and get things for yourself. Wanting a nice place to live and a car that runs well and looks good are fine. A mansion and a leer jet, that might be greedy, but I know you don't want those things. I also know that you feel like most women are, “out of your league” Fuck that Bro! You're an intelligent, interesting, drop-dead funny guy. Yeah, you could stand to loose a few pounds, but everyone could be in better health. Listen Jimbo, I know you don't want to spend all your free time banging playboy bunnies, but there is nothing wrong with going after things you want.

You're right Uncle Frank...but

But what you're afraid? You don't think the first time I used the thumb to pull the lid off the trash I wasn't scared. I was scared shitless...but you know what? That fucking lasagna inside smelled awesome and tasted a thousand times better after I took the chance. Life is a sweet swimming pool there Jimbabwe...jump right in! Fuck fear! Listen, I know for a fact that you've heard all of this shit before in various forms so I'm not going to waste any more of your time and my breath. Man up and get on the bus son, get on the bus.

I looked at the window and before I could say another word, Uncle Frank and his opposable thumbs had lifted the screen and were out the window, like it happened every day. I'd say I've got more to say but maybe I should leave that for another time and go out and do some of that livin' I've heard so much about.

I hope you all are well.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bottoms up....

The good and bad thing about blogging is that no matter what, you have to keep banging it out. You have to keep writing, otherwise, what the hell is it good for?

It's coming up on 2AM on a Tuesday night and I'm fucking drunk.

I'm talking drunk like it's Saturday night in Winona, circa 1999
when all was write and wrong in the world simultaneously.

Tonight was a decent night at work, not to much drama, not too much hassle...

Which may have been why I said yes to the invitation to go out after work, even though my drunk of a boss was not working.

Travelled down the ave and two streets over
to The Abbey, a watering favorite, with a
decent beer selection
and friendlier help

we chatted about old times
new times
times we'd
forgotten about
times expired

me, el capitan, D-lo and Buttacaramel
some of the sweetest
to sail the seas of
random adrift
even with faults
one could not ask for better co-workers
or better looking female co-workers

many topics of conversation covered
lines blurred
be they appropriate or other wise

old co-workers
reassuring me
my cock is
not small
but better than average
and who am I to argue
when the benefit of the doubt is given
and then asked to be seen?

all of this coupled with
promises of show and tell
at a later date
washed down with Newport Storms
lead to smiles on my face and
promises of very interesting dreams...

I hope you all are well.


Friday, June 20, 2008

Thanks Nuanda...

You see...

She was built for comfort
not for speed
touring class booty with pearly white smile
handed me iced coffee and said. “stay awhile”

funky red hair
low rise jeans
fresh faced beauty
hop...skip...and a jump from her teens

dropped my silver jingle into callused hand
cracked a crafty smile while we shot the breeze
asked me if I had plans
to see the Bosstones and Murphys

hey it's been awhile since you've been around
said, “the f1 is a fantastic ship, but that ship has run aground”
she said all you need to sail
can be bought here by the pound

Jackass Jimmy said, “that's all well and good
but I don't come here for the brew...
Jackass Jimmy winked and grinned his grin,
“I sails the darkest waters in hopes of seeing you”

she listens to the music and remembers New Year's Eve
meeting at Heartbreak Hotel
exchanging awkward glances
her side- her boy friend would not leave

Jackass Jimmy you know I have a man
you saw him at the show
“Baby I don't care about your man
and I just thought that you should know”

“when your good and tired of your boyfriend who we both know is lame
I'm in the on deck circle, anxious be my name
cause I'm throwing a no-hitter and have locked up MVP
but all the glory ain't worth shit if there ain't no you and me”

her cheeks were flushed with crimson like the darkest fire truck
Jackass Jimmy don't lie to me, you're just looking for a fuck
I may not be a veteran or even league MVP
but I've been around long enough to smell lines of bullshit as far as the eye can see

“you think of me when you hear the Mighty tones of Bosston
and probably other times as well
all I'm saying baby is life is to short
to waist your time in hell”

“cause this ride ain't forever
and tomorrows another day
so lets make the most of this
and leave the nonsense in the fray”

“come have dinner and dance the night with me
and if your night is not divine
then blame it all on me
but if you remember it like New Year's Eve before

then leave your ”man” behind
and think of him no more..."

I hope you all are well.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

No one at the wheel...

You see the problem with the late night cheeseburger is that it's very mouthy...

It says stuff like, “Hey, how come I don't have no friends?”
to which there really is no acceptable reply
when you know you both would enjoy the company of
another late night cheeseburger and perhaps some fries.

yeah there's your moment of poetry for the day, you can thank me later.

Finding a good song to wake up to has always been a hard thing for me. I've been “up” for about ten minutes now
and I've been through about 3-5 songs. Currently, “freya” by The Sword is winding my clock.

last night at work was not good. the time flew by but at the same time it stood still, maybe even moved backwards at some points.
we had an “escapee” last night. with four people working the unit, that should be an impossibility... “should be”
but when the lazy dog lazes around, the quick brown fox chuckles as they leap over him and out the door.
or maybe someone shouldn't be so wrapped up in a fucking word search puzzle
honestly...sometimes I think it would be better for my mental health to just quit my job and be a hobo.

Friday my car is going to Ford to get fixed...I hope
the f1 has been broken for a long time
longer than I care to remember and if and when she does get fixed
it will be nice to take it out on the highway again
drive down the coast
or to Hartford
or to someplace further than 15 minutes away
and yes
I will still probably buy a scooter
because fuck the republicans and their war-mongering oil profiteering asses.

A bit more in the groove now and rocking out to the indie-rock sounds of Sugar
wish they never broke up
but like with all good bands
or er...uh...bands I like
they have to break up
or go on, “hiatus”

I have just a little under a month before Dubbs and I see The Mighty Mighty Bosstones and Dropkick Murphys
that show is going to be classic and a mess. “rain or shine” I'm praying for good weather that day
for some reason ska and punk rock are just more fun when you are not shivering and standing in the pouring rain.
mmmm...sprite zero is a delicious morning beverage when there is no iced coffee brewed, home or otherwise
I'm feeling kind of peckish, some poached eggs on wheat toast may be in order.

I've noticed some new readers.
welcome aboard, it's a wild ride
questions, comments concerns?
anything you'd like to see?

I hope you all are well.


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Tales of Long Gone Bye...

This just in...

Apparently the million dollar men and their lesser-paid constituents can't stay away from steroids, performance-enhancing drugs and yes, even vitamin-V. Read all about it here.

Walked to and from work yesterday. Good thing I left my house with plenty of time to spare as the high temps felt every bit of the 103 degrees they were projected at. It wasn't too uncomfortable though I did have plenty of water to drink, tunes to listen to and because I was not crushed for time, I didn't have to race with the devil to be on time.

I walked to the soothing sounds of Bad Religion. It was their probably most commercially successful release,Stranger Than Fiction that I listened to as I tooled around the streets of London in 1998. I can remember walking an hopping two different buses so that I could get to play rehearsal on time. In the mean time, Greg Graffin and the rest of the guys in BR serenaded me with melodic punk-rock anthems.

Our show, which was a compilation piece, that I will not name here just cause there are so many things that make me angry about the whole production, went up in an old onion shed in a sketchy section of London's Camberwell area. I can remember double timing it to get to a theater with less than perfect conditions. The show before ours, For the Love of a Good Man, was one of these gritty WWI deals and the whole performance area was covered in dirt. Imagine an English garage, in late October-early November, with minimal electricity and even less heat. To say that it was the most "bohemian" of experiences was an understatement. The dirt, the weather, the was a great place to create art.

What this has to do with walking to work in 100 degree heat, I have no idea but I felt the need to share.

I hope you all are well.


Sunday, June 08, 2008

Conversations with Helios...

It's 11:11 motherfucker, wake up and make a wish...



Alright, alright what the hell is your problem?

What have you done today?

Cleaned out my fridge, gone grocery shopping and put a decent dent in the book I'm reading. Why? What's it to you?

Don't talk to me like that.

Hey, you're the one coming in here yelling motherfucker and demanding my consciousness. I'm just saying...

Don't get smart

I'm just saying...

So, 11:11 what's your wish?

Well since I'm not a ninth grade girl, I don't really believe in making wishes on 11:11, so...

Listen, quit being a fucking jackass and just make a wish.

Remember who you are talking to? Jackass Jimmy right?

Yeah, yeah the wish...

I want a big dick

Boring...*yawn* denied


I'm not letting you waste a once in a lifetime opportunity on something that came from the mind of your average high school hockey player.

Fair enough

Besides, you'd probably only stack donuts on it and not put it to good use.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Your WISH...

Fine, I want to have a happy marriage to Sophie Marceau...

You and a bajillion other guys...DENIED

Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me what I can and can't wish for when you've obviously given me this wish, with the sole intention of torturing me.

I know I'm The SUN and all and you're not very happy with me right now due to the smackdown of a sunburn I laid on you yesterday, but honestly, not even SPF 15? Your dumb celtic ass should have known better.

I do know better, however, they told me that your UV's would help me with my PSORIASIS!

Who is this “they” you speak of?

The dermatologists, you asshole.

Whoa, whoa there buddy. No need to hurl the insults around like they're on sale.

Well, in the short time you've been here and the longer I'm conscious, the angrier I'm getting. My hot and spicy skin in addition to you telling me all my wishes are DENIED, is making me one not so happy boy.

Really, anything else on your mind?

Besides my car not working, trying to save money for the impending depression, trying to get registered for school, figuring out where and with who I want to spend the rest of my “hopefully” short life with... No, not really.

So would you say your glass is half empty or half full?

If I thought it would do me any good, I would shoot you in the face with a bazooka. Come on with this wish business, you are robbing my basement of all of its cool and when that happens, it's not going to be a pretty site.

Right the wish...go ahead

How about I'm independently wealthy, and a pro-blogger.

Oh, is that all your highness?

Are you fucking kidding me? I thought that other shit was way more greedy in comparison.

Well the independently wealthy is boring for sure. I'm mean who doesn't want to not have to work again. But I was intrigued by the fact you added the pro-blogger on to the end of it. That shows some creativity and ambition.

Yeah well, it's not like I want to be rich so I can sit at home by the pool all day, getting drunk and looking at jack-it mags.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing, it's just not my deal.

So what is your deal?

What the fuck is this the Truman Show or something? Where are the cameras? Is there a studio audience somewhere or are you supposed to represent the Almighty. No, wait...are you supposed to represent some part of me?!?!

Well, what do you think it means?

You know what, FUCK YOU! You're worse than my therapist! Everything is always another fucking puzzle. How about you throw me a break on this one and just tell me what it is that I am struggling to comprehend, so we can move on and part ways.

And what would you learn by me telling you?

Well I would not learn where my threshold for anger is cause this ridiculous back and forth could stop.

Are you angry?

Are you kidding? You obviously have no idea who I am.

Maybe, why don't you just let it go?


The anger...just let it go

Nope, never. It gets me through.

Gets you through what?


Does it really? Do you really want to live an angry life? I mean is it worth it?

The wish, are you granting it or not?

Of course not. Does that make you angry?

No, I figured as much.

Why do you say that?

Cause there are no gifts or free rides in this life. You have to fight and claw for every scrap that falls from the table. So did I think in the blink of an eye things were going to change for me, I'd be a fucking idiot to think that. Birth-school-work-taxes-death...that's it.

Well I'm sorry you see it that way.

Take your sunshine and move on. I need to shower and put on aloe before going back to my awesome job.

Things will get better, you just have to wait.

Yeah well its Life 35 and Jim 0 so, I'm not holding my breath.

I hope you all are well.


Tuesday, June 03, 2008


To the fucking asshole who felt the need to steal my garmin, gps from my car while it was in the shop, I hope you really fucking needed it or money.

Apparently you might have needed it to find your last remaining shred of dignity, wait...that's gone cause you're a low-life thieving bastard.

That was my christmas gift from the parents this year. Not having an easy time finding where I sometimes need to be whilst driving, it was a wonderful present.

Thanks for being a low-rent scum bag and ruining what little faith I had left in humanity.

I hope you watch what you love most be killed right in front of you.

To the rest of you...

I hope you all are well.


No rest for me...

8:11am and I feel like I ate a case of cat fart sandwiches

mechanic told me part for F1 would not be in until Tues-Wed
after a 16 hour double, including an overnight
without my goddamned cellphone cause I was in a rush
cause I had to walk to work
and walk home
I get home and all I want to do
but the fucking
of cell phone says, “not yet bro”
and I get the call
that car is fixed and they are going to lock er up'
all of this
at 6:15pm
on Munday
can't a guy catch a break?
with any luck
this won't cost me eleventy-billion dollars
cause other motherfuckers are hollerin'
for a taste of my cream
and I take life like I take my coffee
black and empty like my
bank account

I hope you all are well.


Sunday, June 01, 2008

Holy Good God...

It's a rare sunday morn that I see 5:50
let alone 9:50
but todays the day
and well into my “STD” list

Shit To Do
sexually transmitted disease
as we all know that would be fucking impossible in my case
cause I have none of the sex the kids talk about these days
sad part is...I dont really care all that much
one less thing to be concerned with
something I don't have to pencil into my routine

brought out the ol' lawn mower
tank bone dry...fuck
found legal gas can
drove to stop and shop to
get out and fill 'er up
$9.6ixty something for
2 and a half gallons of
Dubya's liquid get rich strategy
hopefully pop shows up and I can
be useful to him again
help him avoid buying a new mower
fuck that
needs that
a hole in his head

and rocking out to Placebo
sooooooooo underated
on my list of bands to see
before they
call it

I hope you all are well.



I had barely been asleep ninety minutes when
the crow started with his fuckin' caw-cacawcaw-cawing
badgering his constituents for a reply
several choruses of replies.

something about a crow that just makes me mad
I mean mad like
I wanna break some shit
even walking around
doing stuff in or out of the house
I catch sight of a crow and I'm all, “I see you there you sleep-robbing bastard”
go to hell
and if by some sort of psychic force...the goddamned crow
caw-cacawcaws back at me
“screw you jackass”
but enough about those filthy black bastards

their inconsiderate concert was enough to force me from my bed
feeling broken-sleep-Dprvd and a wee bit ornery
among other things
to say the least

for a split second I considered some giggigty-giggity
to lull me back to sleep
but I had used that to knock out
plus I knew those crow fuckers would break my concentration

so I slithered down stairs and muttered and puttered about
cleaning the campsite a bit
reading and re-reading some old junk mail
piling up what was deemed to be important enough for a pile
but not important enough to act on
letter from Bill
Bosstones/Murphys tickets
shit for my brother, who hasn't lived here in years

the baboon postcard
from the citrus queen of MN
that made me laugh my chapped-red-ass off
on my way to another miserable day of work

the course catalog
helping me to plot the destruction of
my brain
free time
and social life

piles of ads from
this grocer and that
all telling me what great deals they have
buy 2 get three
its all been done before
and most days
I wake just in time
to have my first meal of the day
at work

I hope you all are well.