Monday, February 28, 2005

Every little thing...

I went to the store to buy chapstick as my lips were cracked, broken and more painful than a paper cut on the inside of your ass. While I was there I picked up some oranges, some eggs and a few other things I needed. Normally, I go to an aisle with a cashier because I don't like checking myself out at the grocery store. While the self-checkout is a great invention the more I use it, the more I feel like I am putting someone out of work. As soon as I walked into a line, the cashier shut her light off and told me she would not be able to ring me out. I had a rather bad day at the Agency and really wasn't in the mood to argue, so I went to check myself out.

Everything was going along nice and smooth and I was actually glad I didn't cause anyone undue grief by bitching about the cashier closing on me. I finished scanning the last of my items and was meer minutes away from being out the door, when the fucking chapstick wouldn't scan.

not once...

not twice...

there was no third time charm. Before I knew what was going on, I heard the dreaded announcement from the computer,"Help is required with this item, assistance is on the way." "It's just chapstick for Christsake", I said and scanned the retail horizon for the "assistance" that was "on the way". Low and behold my patience was rewarded with the most beautiful girl in the world. The cashier coming over to assist me is the one I have been in love with for a long time now. It will be a sad day when she leaves. Until now, we have never spoke and I have admired her from afar. I would be lying if I said my heart didn't speed up a bit.

She came over and smiled and asked if I needed help, just like in those really cheesy commercials. "Yes" I replied. "I can't get this chapstick to ring in." I was surprised at how calmly and smoothly the words came out of my mouth. Normally, I would have said the same sentence but it would have been followed by, "I like to fart in the're pretty." Gratefully, my brain was asleep. She took the chapstick from my hands and her fingers flew over the touchpad screen. She was standing close enough for me to be able to smell her shampoo, perfume, etc., yet not close enough for me to be thought of as Stalker Steve.

I inhaled and was treated to a melange of olfactory goodness. She smelled wonderful and the only thing that came to mind were honeysuckle kittens. It was such an intoxicating yet light scent that within a few seconds I was drunk. She finished working her front end supervisor magic and was on her way. I came down from cloud 13, bagged my groceries and left. I floated to my car with a fucking stupid grin on my face and managed to navigate safely home.

and yes, I still hate shopping for groceries.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Mean Gene Caffeine

In other news. If the motherfuckers on News Channel 10 tell me, “Not to put my shovel away” one more time, I’m going to have to take a hostage. I am all set with Winter. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before. I want to be able to walk to and from work, enjoy time outside and not have to have my heat running 24-7/365.

I went shopping tonight. I normally don’t get to go shopping to much as I am a man of limited means. Tonight I just said, “what the hell” and walked into Barnes & Noble like I owned the place. Actually, I was there more to pick up my tax documents. Yes, in addition to risking my life everyday at the Agency, I also work part time for the most corporate of corporate America driven book retailers. I walked through the aisles seeing if anything grabbed my attention. I picked up this and
this. Now some of you are probably thinking I’m a wee bit old for the “His Dark Materials” series, however I was recommended the series by a good friend who felt we should discuss.

I walked up to the check out with purchases in hand and asked Kerri if it would be possible to get my W-2 info as well. “Not a problem. Oh, did you get your $100.00 gift card yet?” Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? “My $100.00 what?” I asked. “We won the district gift card sales contest over the holidays and everyone got a $100.00 gift card” my eyes jumped out of my head, “Sweet jumping Christ! That’s awesome” I began to salivate at the prospect of not having to pay for any of the things I had in my hands. Not only did I not have to pay for the books, I was able to get the old employee discount and pay twenty-something instead of forty-something and have even more $cha-ching$ left on the card. SWEET!

Due to my good fortune and a $100.00 windfall, I proceeded on to Target, where I bought, Friday Night Lights. I’m holding off on watching it cause I am breaking up with the television. I’m going to pay off the cable bill this week and then it’s over. The tv is my girlfriend no longer. I’ll have more $ for renovations, for netflix and most importantly for endless tunage. The renovations on the downstairs bathroom begin shortly. With any luck, I won’t do any irreparable damage to the house. Wish me luck.


Just a bit outside...

Today came at me like a 100mph curve ball…but in a good way. Last night I managed to get to bed before midnight. I was just wiped out from working a double on Monday, and my normal sleep schedule, usually leaves me less than rested. I came to around 7 this morning feeling pretty good. Normally on days off I have an agenda. A meeting at the Agency was the only thing on my list today. As per usual, I didn’t write down the time and couldn’t remember if it started at 2:30 or 3pm, so I made sure I was on grounds by 2:30.

and Yes, the meeting began at 3pm.

and of course, many agents felt the need to not attend. This makes semi-responsible people like myself and my coworkers, pretty pissed off.


The Arch-Angel both L7’s and the agents who cared enough to show up, were trying to come up with new methods of consequencing the residents of J-Unit, should they feel the need to step out of program. With so many agents not in attendance it was almost pointless talking things over as there has to be a majority vote to implement new procedures or programming. Normally, the Agency would have us wash the hour of overtime out by coming in an hour later during our next detail. The Arch Angel decided since no one showed, we would be paid the hour of overtime, and I managed to sit through a bunch of Agency b.s. and leave with a smile on my face.

It was 4:30 by the time I got home. My trigger finger was itchy as I remembered I had not yet had any coffee. I contemplated Dunkin’ Donuts, but I hate corporate America, and I am trying to put cash away for a new computer…something that doesn’t suck like a bus-station whore. I played Tiger Woods 05 for a little while and then turned on my good buddy, Dr. Phil. The show focused on a family who believes their son is a sexual predator, who is molesting their youngest daughter.

of course they are from Utah.

of course they have names reminiscent of Heaven’s Gate cult members.

of course I couldn’t turn the channel.

of course the episode is a two-parter, forcing me to remember to tune in tomorrow at five.

Yeah, like that might happen.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

How bizarre

that on the nights I don't drink and become pensive, I seem to be more sad than on the nights many potables pass through my lips.

As I sat at the pub yesterday drinking Bud Light like they were never going to make it again, not once did my mind wander to worry world.

Tonight, as I downed glass after glass of diet orange soda (REPRESENT) I wished I had a job where I made more money. That I didn't owe more than the national deficit to Great Lakes Higher Edcation Financing Corp. for a fucking degree I have yet to use. Wishing I could aford cable tv and internet service. Wishing I could buy meat and veggies in the same week.

Wishing I could maybe date again before I find I layer of sedimentary rock on my wiener.

Wishing that Howard Stern would just shut the fuck up.

Wishing I didn't have to be at work in t-minus 5 hours and 48 minutes.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Where everybody knows your name...

Most Friday's after second watch agents relieve myself and my colleagues, most of first watch retires to Bailey's, a nearby water hole where the tensions of the day are drowned in cheap pitchers of even cheaper beer. I'm normally not much of a bar person unless I'm in MN but Bailey's is low key enough for even this guy to be able to relax. Today, most of first watch showed up, along with wives and girlfriends and boyfriends and significant others. We were also graced with the presence of agents from M and OD Units. Good people but I found myself starting to worry there was going to be a crowd...people do talk you know.

One jukebox, three pool tables, and a golden tee golf game do not make for an awesome place but at 4pm on a Friday anyplace that is not packed to the gills with either the dregs of society or college kids looking to booze it up on the cheap is ok with me.

Anyway, myself and the other agents discussed ongoing problems with the "guests" of the agency, as well as continuing problems with policy and procedure being handed down from, "the illuminati". It's odd how my colleagues and I find relaxation after work discussing the very things that keep us tightly wrapped all day.

I normally try to change the subject. When I am not at work, I find it counterproductive to be talking about work. However when I attempted the change in conversation today, I was again questioned about my single status, lack of girlfriend and lack of dates. This has been known to shut me up very quickly. Gratefully today when the focus was turned to me, I was in the middle of a mouthful of Duff Light. I quickly jumped into crisis mode and answered and crushed all questions directed at me. "So Jim, why don't you have a girlfriend? You need to get laid and relax." had I not known this question was coming from one of the agents I work with, who is trying to date a good friend of mine from OD Unit, I might have come up with something better than, "Ladies are not necessarily into bigger guys like myself. What's on the inside doesn't make up for the fact I get paid to throw my weight around." I left it at that. I was beginning to get uncomfortable and wanted to drop it. Somehow she got the message and let me enjoy my beer in peace.

We all talked more about work...and then about policy and then work. People jibber-jabbered as I drained my glass once and again. I was stuck in my head and thinking of why I am alone. The correct answer is the one you never want to hear. After 5 or 6 pitchers, the agents left, decided to go for diner and bowling. Everyone was surprised and disappointed when I declined. It's nice to be liked & appreciated for a sense of humor but I just wanted to go home and have some me time. My boss / best friend is not working tomorrow and therefore, understood my logic. However others thought I was somewhat of a, "pussy" for not wanting to go out on a school night.


Seeing how it is Lent I did the good little catholic boy thing of guilt and self-pity and left. I had my Friday Lenten meal, sans meat, drank some diet root beer and then took a nap in hopes of sobering up quickly. I awoke around 11pm, checked email and figured I'd post. Hopefully tomorrow is less stressful and the one from MN who got away will see the error of her ways and contact me without being so gd vague.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day H.

-- End Transmission --

Friday, February 18, 2005

Post office roulette

In addition to shopping today, there was a significant amount of cleaning, laundry and bill paying that went on. Now most of you are probably all, "bill paying?...geez suck it up jackass, get with the times and just pay bills online, like the rest of the known universe." I would love to do that...I really would"


Having formerly worked for the #2 bank on the planet, I have seen and worked with the people in charge of auto bill payment. To be perfectly honest, I just don't trust it. It's like trusting the 9th grade boys with the frog in biology's just not gonna turn out good.

I can remember calling over to Online banking when I worked for Bank of the Universe and explaining to other reps that I had a customer on the line who set up for all of his bills to be automatically paid. Nine times out of ten everything was fine. Nine times out of ten. However I am he of little faith and God hates me. I also have never seen a half full glass and I live paycheck to paycheck most of the time so I just can't trust that the people in charge of this so-called wondrous automatic bill pay, are smarter than I. Yes, writing bills out is time consuming and if you have as many bills as I do, expensive. However, I sleep soundly knowing that my envelopes are in the mail and that they will eventually get where they need to go.

Which brings me to my next point.

The Post Office.

I love going to the post office. It's very much like a box of chocolates, "you never know whut you gonna git." For me the thrill is standing in line and trying to figure out which dedicated and loyal government employee is going to get to help me with my postal needs. Sometimes as I stand in line, I hum the theme to the old Tonight show while I'm waiting. I imagine the clerk who gets to help me, walks out from behind the curtain ala Johnny Carson, R.I.P.

Today was not that bad. I had a slight miscalculation and thought I was going to get the battle hard, veteran of foreign wars clerk. These guys kill me. They always ask me if I have anything perishable or dangerous or explosive in my packages....yadda yadda yadda, just like at the airport. I know it's in my best interest to be polite, so I never toy with them. Secretly...they hate this. They look at me like I am sending candy & stolen kisses to my homo of a boyfriend even though nothing could be further from the truth and even if I did have a boyfriend, how exactly does one wrap a stolen kiss?

Anyway, I was certain I was going to get Sergeant Rock, when all of a sudden the nitwit infront of me bobbled and dropped all of his things on the floor in front of the good sergeant. While I wouldn't want to be in that mans shoes, I was glad to be able to have Pam D. serve my postal needs. I am under some misconception about standard mail being cheaper than first class. Not only but after my visit to the po today, I have found I am helpless to the postal clerk Jedi mind trick. I told Pam I was shipping two packages to MN. Two very long overdue Christmas gifts...(alright...alright, sue me I have been busy) Pam tells me that First Class will probably be cheaper.

First class will probably be cheaper. Now even as I mull this over in my mind, I can't for the life of me conceive how this would be possible. As Pam is doing the calculations, I utter, "Uh...Ok" I'm on the ropes, she has me where she wants me. After the final tabulation, Pam tells me, "standard will be $6.55 and First Class will be $9.38. " Before I can even stop the words from coming out of my mouth, I was all, "that's great, let's go First Class." I completed the transaction and walked out the living embodiment of the word, hoodwinked. It was only $2 but it's the principle of the thing that gets me.

In retrospect, I'm okay with paying a few bucks extra than having to talk my way out of a bare knuckles boxing match with Sergeant Rock.

This town is nothing but savages....

-- End Transmission --

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Tales from the trough

I hate going grocery shopping. It ranks right up there with cleaning the bathroom and washing the kitchen floor. Like the aforementioned chores, it has to get done, otherwise this guy goes hungry. Don’t make me hungry Mr. Smith, you wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry. Now I’m sure that most of you are saying, “Come on Jackass, grocery shopping isn’t all that bad.” For the most part I agree with you. It’s not the act of shopping that bothers me so, but the crowds of screaming simpletons one encounters at the local food warehouse.

I enjoy getting up ridiculously early on my days off to shop, (like today) so that I can take my time looking at the produce, ogling the melons and of course, squeezing the Charmin. Most days when I have completed my shift at the Agency, I stop by the market on my way home. The throngs of shrieking children, parents not paying attention and others yakking on cell phones are too much to take. On these afternoons, I immediately convert to search & seizure mode in order to get the eff out of the store as soon as possible. This morning I was able to select the choicest of red peppers @ $237,000 a pound as well as some: asparagus, fresh spinach and kalumata olives (mmmm…kalumata olives) pepper jack cheese, eggs, milk, bagels, oranges and some other unmentionables. There were no herds of people wandering around the store like they were looking for the Promised Land with Moses. In an hour I was able to go to and from the store, cook a sumptuous breakfast and be relaxing with a steaming cup of java and the morning paper in the time it normally takes to find the most capable cashier. God bless earlier mornings!

Some of you maybe wondering if I am an anti-social, narcissistic, grump. If you were to judge me on the content here, then it may appear that way, but I can assure you, I love people and have been accused of being a social butterfly…so there!

In other news, I watched Open Water the other day. Color me unimpressed. It was just terribly slow and if you had any inkling about the plot going into the movie, then you were tortured by the wait more than the characters in the film. I was however impressed by the fact this film was shot with a video camera available to the general consumer. It was a good looking film for being a semi-independent film sold to the corporate devils in Hollywood. Other then that, it was just bad. Bad dialogue, no exposition and you saw the end coming 10 minutes after the film started. * sigh * At least I had the Grammy Awards to entertain me. Wait, no, don’t even get me started on that crap yet… That’s a post for another cup of coffee.

-- End Transmission --

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Let's talk about...

how I am all set with winter. I took a short break tonight and on my way to the bathroom discovered it had snowed...again.

Being a bigger guy, I have always been a friend to winter. You might even call me a fan, but I have to admit that I am longing for spring. My summer lust may be drive by the fact that last week we had a couple of days in the 50's. This was cooler than the other side of the pillow. Winter just makes commuting a royal pain in the arse. People who have lived here all their lives, who have driven in snow every winter since Moses wore short pants, seem to forget how to drive in the dreaded, heavenly, dandruff from on high and it's just annoying. Plus the fact that I have to get out of bed a half hour earlier so that I can melt the frost from my windows does not make me a very happy camper. Springtime ellicits a joy from me that winter will never know. Days get longer, more sunlight makes me less of a jackass and my over all attitude improves. Plus there are just more fun things to do in the summer. Someone needs to check Old Man Winter into the home again.

Tomorrow night lauren is having a birthday party for Shwank and I will be in attendance. I was gonna get him some Tinkertoys cause who doesn't love Tinkertoys? However turning the big 30 is somewhat of a milestone and therefore some Coors Light will suffice nicely. It should be a good time and if nothing else I will get to see Shwank and Boom. Yet another weekend where my hijinx will be cut short by my need to be in work by 7am....c'est la vie!

I am in need of a trip to NYC in the worst way. I haven't been able to hang with my people in Brooklyn and Manhattan in over a year. Last time I was there, I was unemployed and saw David Gray at Madison Square Garden. ( Pretty sweet show by the way) I have released the strangle hold I had on my longing to go back to my college years but I still hold my friends close. Whether we are drunk and out of control in NYC or Winowhere, we're still together and I'm guaranteed some ha-ha's or "larfs" as they call them in England.

Today being the last day of my weekend I: slept late, (7:10am) managed to create and eat a 4- egg, sausage and cheddar jack scramble with a pot of cowboy coffee. Catch up on some emails while listening to some cds I haven't pulled out for awhile. I actually listened to Rush today and remembered how much I was into them at one point in my adolescence. I thought about that scene in Detroit Rock City where the kids argue over whether or not Rush is still cool, and I had a little chuckle to myself. Oddly enough...I have a strange longing to play dungeons & dragons now.

Anyone want to hang out?

Moles & Trolls

Work… Seems to me when I graduated from college about 40 or 50 years ago, my social circle has been slowly, yet steadily decreasing. This did not really take me by surprise. College, for me, was the ultimate in social-butterflying. I was sequestered in a sleepy Minnesota town, with nothing but: the required reading, 2 bowling alleys, 1 movie theater and 163 bars. Honestly, what’s a guy to do?

Moving back to the smallest state in the union was a good thing in that, I love being able to drive 50 minutes and be at either the ocean or the mountains. I love New York City being 2 ½ hours away. I love the East Coast attitude and of course, our beloved, World Champion Boston Red Sox!Still, I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss having all of my friends within a four-digit phone call. My friends here are fantastic, wonderful, and many other words I don’t care to type right now. However, when I took the road less traveled and went off to college, I was a bit na├»ve in thinking things would stay the same here. I came home to engagements, marriages and really cool people who moved far, far away.

Gone are the days of hanging out in parking lots, drinking coffee until 3 in the morning. Responsibility and wanderlust have replaced our nocturnal need for caffeine. In many ways I think this was a good thing, otherwise we would have been paved into permanent fixtures in out local coffee and donut selling establishment. Nowadays I am the lone, rogue agent. Neither tied down by bond of marriage or engagement or even significant other, I sometimes struggle to battle the loneliness. There are only so many nights of must see TV, movie rentals, video games and reading of books you can take before you start to wonder if there is anything else.

My place of employment is such that at the end of the day, you just need some alone time, myself included. However, last night, I had tickets to the URI/UMASS basketball game and ended up not going for lack of a companion. Now don’t get me wrong, I was not looking for someone to play smootchie with, (not that I would have turned it down, if it was possible) but even all of my guy friends were other wise occupied. I burned through the battery on my cell phone trying to get a hold of people, saving my best friend as a final hope. The call went something like this:

JJ: Hey man, what’s going on?

BF: Not much, how are you doing?

JJ: Good…listen what are you up to tonight?

BF: Nothing, why what's up?

JJ: Well I have an extra ticket to the RI/UMASS game, interested?

BF: * groan of disappointment * love to dude, but the wife would kill me for even asking. I thought maybe you needed help moving furniture or something.

JJ: Wow, you can’t even ask…that’s swell.

BF: Yeah well, if you ever get married, I’ll tell you about it when you’re older.

JJ: What the hell does that mean?

BF: Nothing, it just means that I can’t go. I can’t tell if I ask if it’s gonna set the wife off, and I’d rather not chance it.

JJ: So what’s it like living in a minefield?

BF: What?

JJ: Never mind…I’ll give you a call this weekend.

BF: Later buddy.

And thereby lies the tale. I left several voicemails with other people, all who sent reply voicemails saying they had things to take care of. With all of the technology we have to make things easier and faster for us, seems like no one has any free time.

Long story short, I ended up staying in and watching Law & Order: SVU until my eyes bled. I swear there is some station on cable that runs that show on a continuous loop. Just one more reason I am going to cancel my cable service. Since I am finally kicking my girlfriend (the TV) to the curb, I have decided to get some satellite radio up in here. No commercials will be gooooood.

I just finished chuck bukowski’s how to be a good writer. Apparently I am going to have to find more women to hang out with if I want to be successful. Yet another mountain to climb…whatever.

Anybody wanna hang out?

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

The past few...

days at The Agency have been eventful. So much so that I have not had the energy to post. * grumbling from the studio audience * Hey, life goes on and sometimes it gets in the way.
The long and short of it boils down to me running back and forth from J-Unit to H-Unit, preparing to walk into total chaos, only to find L7's and other staff not doing their job...thus the cause of the disturbances. The worst thing I had to deal with over the course of two days was a guest of the Agency coming at me with a sharpened object. Nothing gets the blood moving around 7AM quite like someone trying to shank you. Not to sound all 007, but I disarmed the guest and restrained them before anyone else knew what was going on. Somedays my job sucks...most of the time it's the bomb.

I was able to take comfort in the fact that my New England Patriots are once again World Champions. The beers I drank instead of my normal diet soda iv drip were good but trying to bust some mortal kombat-esque moves while dehydrated, is not the best plan to follow. It might catch up with me sooner or later and when I get punched in the face so hard I see God, then maybe I'll remember to come home at a reasonable hour and drink a gallon of H2O before bed.
Valentine's Day is quickly approaching and much like Dave Pirner, I'd like somebody to shove. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
eyes burn, headache, lack of wit to include in this post:

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Pains of responsibility...

I have to report back into The Agency in just over five hours. There are not enough hours or coffee in the day for me to get everything done. My art suffers. It is time to kill the television. I wanna be like Jackie Onassis. I wanna wear a pair of dark sunglasses. I wanna be like Jackie O...O..Please don't DIE!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

The Glove was dropped...

It was not a triple dog dare, but one I had to complete for the fun of it. Props to Jodi for believing I had it in me.

1.Total amount of music files on your computer: 136 Which isn't all that bad considering I have a 6gig hard drive that cries when I ask it to do anything.

2.The last CD I bought was: Men at Work / Business as Usual. A favorite from childhood and a disc that can still stand the test of time IMHO.

3.What is the song you last listened to before reading this message: Tim McGraw / Something Like That. Don't laugh, four years in farm country and the country will grow on you.

4. Write down 5, (six, cause fives suck) songs that you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:

1. Bad Religion: Tiny Voices / Cause when everyone else was playing hacky sack and listening to Phish, I was rocking Bad Religion and singing songs with an overall message. Plus these guys have been doing it for over 20 years and make the jokers in Good Charlotte look like jackasses of the Nth degree. I listened to BR before it was cool to hate BR, while wearing a trucker hat, polluting the air espousing the virtues of cookie-cutter, pop-punk acts like The Used.

2. Robbie Williams: Angels / Maybe I'm a sap, maybe it was a drunken six months in London, but after two or three-hundred beers, everyone in the room is your best friend during this tear jerker of a sing-a-long.

3. Semisonic: Closing Time / Song playing in the background of the most painful breakup in history. I'm talking like give me a case of bourbon and leave me in a dark room with my Stevie Ray Vaughn CDs and if I come out, I come out break up. Still a good song though.

4. A Tribe Called Quest: Scenario / When all of the jock/frat/suburbanite assholes were flexing their overabundance of testosterone, misogyny and Neanderthal-like tendencies listening to NWA, I could always count on The Tribe for positive and mellow beats. Plus, this jam introduced me too rappers to be heard at a later date such as: Doo Doo Brown and the one and only, Buster Rhymes.

5. Bad Religion: Stranger Than Fiction / Cause Greg Graffin and Co. write solid tunes, with an overall message, most of the time will contain some cool ooos and aahhhss parts. Plus this song mentions Hemingway so it can't be all bad!

6. Martin Sexton: Glory Bound / Check out the pipes on this pasty, little, white guy! If you are trying to set the mood or just want to have a good cry, this guy can help you do it!

11-teen. What three people are you going to pass this baton to and why:
mindriott, dbcaulfield, and jdaccaine cause the rest of my friends are too lame of have online journals, blogs or websites...sheesh!

This Information Age

I have to admit I am a big fan of the advances technology has made. Just tonight alone I was able to talk with friends in New York City, St. Paul, and Los Angeles all within minutes of one another. My cell phone and computer afforded me the opportunities to speak with friends for free. 20 years go, I would have had to wait until Sunday afternoon for long distance rates to drop, in order to have the same conversations. Progress she is a great thing.

I took today out of work because I was feeling like a human faucet all last night and most of the morning. I know that maybe TMI for most of you but those who know me will be relieved that I was not more descriptive. Big movie watching day today. While I was rehydrating myself, I was able to watch The Forgotten, Cellular and The Rundown. All were entertaining but nothing stood out. I'm looking forward to watching the last installment in The Matrix Trilogy tomorrow night.

Other then that it's another wonderful day at the agency tomorrow. Hopefully I will remember to bring my badge keys and tool belt to work. Not having those things at my disposal makes for a very long day.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

State of the Union

You know, I watched the State of the Union address last night, like many others. The one thing I kept thinking of was that W. Looked like that fucking class clown, who was at the front of the room, reading a report with tons of dirty words in it, and getting away with it. I think he is a fucking liar and a thief and no matter what he says or does, he will never have my support. The whole war is enough to make me fell this way, let alone the state of the economy. W. talked about over 2 million people going back to work this year. How many of those jobs pay the kind of wages that a person can support themselves or a family on? I bet not even half of them offer a decent benefit plan.

As far as social security goes, I think if the government privatizes it, we're all sunk. I think the argument of what to do about social security is going to devide this country even further. Being a young, thirty-something, I have accepted the fact I am going to be forced to work until I die. All I ask is for two days off in a row, and maybe some occasional snacks. Two of my friends Six and Seven (names changed so they won't get pissed), are recent college grads and face the need of working two jobs to be able to afford a life not as good as what their parents had at their age. Tell me how well the country's economy is now?

I am having some problems making ends meet as well. My job forces me to deal with some of the most messed up kids this side of the Mississippi and I am in one of the lowest paid professions today. Yet, a CEO at Tyco can go and spend over $10,000 on an umbrella. Burn in hell big business.

My next door neighbors are some loud, inconsiderate mothertruckers. They blast music all the time and have hootenannies and jambories all the time. Most of the time I can deal with it, however this past weekend I had to go out the noise was so loud. I was able to sing along with the tunes as they danced and whatnot. Most of the noise could be curtailed but they also have a special needs child, who whines and cries and moans all the time and I can be sympathetic to that. So today, I decided while all the children are at school and dad is home sleeping, cause he works 3rd shift, I am going to clean the shit out of my house....and listen to every effin' cd I have. It's only 10:30 and I have already gone through U2's greatest hits and the Led Zepplin Box Set.

Payback's a bitch.

Awake or Dreaming: Part Deux

For a split second I thought I was imagining things. This was too good to be true. So I cracked a wry grin,"I don't know but give it your best shot" came out of my lips as my head whipped around to see the pimp that uttered that phrase. She smiled wide and winked and began to fix a drink.

There was a tornado of bottles being put to good use in the mixing of love potion number mine. After a melange of alcohol covered a blender full of ice, New Girl put the ingredients in play. The result was something that tasted something akin to hawaiian punch, yet packed the energy of a power plant. We drank and danced. Songs of the 80's provided a soundtrack destined to make something happen. Regardless of the artist,(Duran Duran, When In Rome, Men at Work, Bananarama) she sang all the right words.By the time we had drank enough for my defenses to not be thier sharpest, "Need You Tonight" by INXS, came on and I was done. She turned and asked me, "is there something about me that makes you sweat?" I grew a bit red in the face and told her to, "slide over here and give me a moment, your moves are so raw, I've got to let you're one of my kind."

From that point we danced alot closer, whispered a little softer and grew much warmer.More drinks and her fingers played with my chin. I suddenly knew I was prey and she was hungry like the wolf. I have to say it wasn't all that bad. A seat next to me opened up and she freshened our drinks and sat down next to me. She took a long pull off of the wonderful concoction she crafted and leaned over and whispered in my ear."Wow..." was all I could manage to reply. I was somewhat dumbfounded and at the same time, trying to control my dissappointment and anger over having to be at work in less than 6 hours, This was not the first time this had happened to me. I took a big drink and tried to craft a polite way to decline in about three seconds. My tongue cleared remainders of crushed ice from my lip and I leaned over to whisper into her ear. My reply elicited a pouting of the lips. She asked what I did and I wanted to say something cool like fighter pilot or firefighter or heart surgeon, but instead I told the truth. I've often heard the saying, "the truth will set you free." and for the first time in my life it was true.

New Girl got all warm and fuzzy when she found out I work with kids, and that I didn't want to dissapoint them by not showing up when we had a bunch of fun stuff planned. Every part of me wanted to ask for a raincheck or a, "can we do this on Tuesday night, my night off?" but I knew this was one of those here and now kind of opportunities. No doubt she was dissapointed I was not going home with her. I felt very much the same way and in some cases I think I was even moreso upset cause an attractive, intelligent woman with a great wit and sense of humor never tries to take me home. We danced a few more dances and it was coming up on two-thirty in the AM and I needed to leave. I started to walk out and New Girl was following me. Funky Professor and his girl were in tow.

Funky Prof stepped up to the plate and asked New Girl if she would like to go home with him and his girlfriend. "This is just to rub my face in it", I thought. "I'd love to", she replied, "but you might get bored cause I'd want your girl all to myself, and that's no fun for you now is it?" My jaw hit the floor and snapped back into place so I could bust a coast to coast grin. Funky Prof gave a chuckle and a peck on New Girls check and said his good byes. I was following him out when New Girl took my hand and spun me around. She wrapped her arms around my neck and planted one of those european kisses on me that you think are only possible in movies with subtitles. I can't be sure but I think one of my knees may have buckled.

"Thank you for a great night". She was staring into my eyes for one last attempt to draw Captain Responsible away from his post. I leaned in and gave her one of those soft yet, not quite John Hughes kisses and said, "No, thank you for the best night in a long time."And with that I turned and walked out the door. Funky Professor gave me a quizical look, "Mind telling me what that was all about"? All I could do was smile, "I have no idea but better luck next time". He cocked his head to the side like a dog trying to do algebra, "Yeah, I guess". He wasn't totally sure I wasn't punking him but it didn't matter. He was going home to make some jungle love with the Funky Girlfriend and had learned it's not good to be greedy.I started my car and while the frost melted off the front and back windows, I contemplated walking back into the party and grabbing New Girl and just running. My cell phone burned in my pocket but my conscience was beginning to throb in time with my liver. I pulled away from the best party I had been to since college, in search of a quart of water and a warm bed.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Awake or dreaming?

About a month ago, I attended a party thrown by a female co-worker. I was apprehensive about going, not knowing what to expect, but seeing as how this was one of the first times I have had to bond with the hella-cool people I work with, I jumped at the chance. Upon arrival I noticed that this was a really nice house and if this was the type of party it was supposed to be, then maybe I was in the wrong neighborhood. The whole upstairs was covered in food. The alcohol was kept in the basement, where oddly enough, all of the people were. I introduced myself to the daughter of the house owner's and made a bee-line for the bar. My co-workers were already there and hitting em' pretty hard. It was only 8:45 and already the Captain had claimed his first hostage of the night....Damn you Captain Morgan!!I cut to the quick and cracked a beer and tried to relax, however the 30 or so other people in the basement were really fucking with my vibe. What I was hoping for was a reasonably quiet night, getting effed up with those I work with. What I showed up to (unbeknownst to me) was a birthday party for a suburbanite-trust-fund chick.....yeah....anyway.

I managed to attach myself to the bar and by beer #2 things were getting better. The girl from Belgium showed up and that helped me to relax as well. We drank dark beer and spoke of world politics and the crazy influence religion plays in many of the world's on-going conflicts. My friend, the funky prophessor, asked if I wanted to go smoke some cheeba but I was kinda sketched out by the idea of partaking of herbals with people from work, even though I know some of them enjoy the tweeds as much as I do, I felt bad leaving Ms. Belgium alone. So, others took off to partake in herbal enchantments, as Ms. Belgium and I spoke more of international relations and I was testing the waters....seeing where lines of demarcation and boundaries were drawn. Either Ms. Belgium was having trouble translating the american bass, to Dutch or she was just not into it. I would be telling lies if I said I was not a bit put off by this but minutes later...she walked in and I could have cared less about foreign politics.

The new girl walked in with a dude from another unit at work. With clock-like precision they approached the bar. I was trying to figure out their relationship before I made an ass out of myself hitting on someone's girl. Funky Professor commented on how nice new girl's breasts were and dude from other unit asked Funky Prof not to comment on his cousin's breasts in front of him. his cousin's breast...his cousin's..."Shuttle this is Houston, all systems are go. Repeat, all systems are go". Brief intros and chit-chat. I wanted her to warm up to me before I brought the A-game. As much as I joke about the manliness of my Cosby-esque sweater, the chicks dig it....plain and simple. We spoke about work and music and oddly enough the hotness of other females in the room. "And for a moment my heart sank in defeat. I was chatting with a Venus, who I thought was not into penus. And then something magical happened, she asked me what it was gonna take for me to get drunk enough for her to take advantage of me". For a split second I thought I was imagining things. This was too good to be true. So I cracked a wry grin,"I don't know but give it your best shot". came out of my lips as my head whipped around to see the pimp that uttered that phrase. She smiled wide and winked and began to mix drinks.


Pushing some buttons...

with a bit of trepidation. Those of you who know me, know I can be somewhat psychotic about things like this. I don't feel on par with Bill Gates as far as my tech knowledge goes, however I don't think of myself as the town simpleton either.

Hopefully, this will be a place where I can throw some thoughts out there for lively discussion. More than likely I will regale with tales of my fortune or lack there of. At any rate, all of it should be a good time.