Friday, June 25, 2010

I went with Fightstar...

today has been tough

my blood sugar was somewhat high to begin with this morning
and has been creeping its way down steadily...but slowly
to say I'm frustrated
and fucking tired of going to the gd bathroom
would be the understatement of the year right now

at least I was able to get a hold of the HR department at work
as of right now
I am on a medical leave of absence
so even though
I am somewhat crippled
I will have a job to go back to
which is somewhat of a weight
off of my mind

even though not being able to do
and put my foot up
is nice
I can think of about eleventy-billion other things I would rather do than

time to make another trip to the bathroom
and maybe read for a while

I hope you all are well.


Frustrating to say the least...

life on planet insulin was great up until this am. Woke up with a familiar, yet not so familiar feeling...
cotton-mouth and a pounding head-ache

as I had not ripped bong hits, nor drank beer like they were never going to make it again last night
I knew something was rotten in Denmark
check the bg level

now for those of you not in the know, 180 is not terrible, but it's not great
I've had waaaaaaay worse numbers before, not to brag
it just put a little damper on the beginning of my day
even more so after I took my meds, and checked 2 hours later
and I was only down to

so part of me thinks I'm moving back onto planet hungry
another part of me just thinks my body is being stubborn
we shall see who is right sooner, rather than later I hope

big plans for this afternoon include taking a shower
calling work
and maybe reading some

...can't get much more exciting than this...

I hope you all are well.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I'm Calling Bullshit...

on everything I'm about to say so, here is my disclaimer.

even though my life is mostly an open book, here on the old bloggerooni
there are some things I choose not to share with everyone
"What might those things be", you ask?

well its not the fact that I get less ass than a freshman chess team geek
with a bad case of blackheads
and a peg leg


the fact I've an unabashed love of bad music (fightstar, less than jake, owl city)

or the fact sometimes I think the voices inside my head, as well as my depression will be the end of me...


It could very well be my personal struggle with diabetes...

It's not something I mention here often
just cause I know how much I hate whining
so why would I subject you to it

Recently I was hospitalized for the second time in eight months
due to complications from my diabetes
I would like to say everything was going swimmingly before that
but I don't lie here so why start now

after my first hospitalization, one in which the skin on the bottom front of my foot fell off
I was back on the straight and narrow
checking my blood sugar all the time

and then as it usually does
life got in the way
and I stopped testing my blood sugar
and due to working so much overtime
there was no time, nor energy to get to the gym
and my diet suffered, even beyond eating outside of what I know my diet to be

and again

I ended up in the emergency room of the local hospital on a Saturday night
with a foot that looked angrier than hell at me
and thoughts of amputation and such running through my head...

That's some tough shit to have to prep yourself for
especially at 37
especially when it is all preventable
especially when there was no one to point the finger at except myself

I have the best podiatrist/podiatric surgeon on the planet
and minor surgery and iv antibiotics
fixed everything
well almost
see I have to go back to follow up tomorrow
and all has been well since then, besides being out of work, there have been no complaints from me

the biggest things I've taken away from this whole ordeal are these
you don't get an endless supply of "warning shots"
I have the best family on the planet

During the course of the ordeal meds were switched around
changed, some eliminated altogether
I'm now on insulin

yep...I'm on the needle
once a day

for a guy who hates taking medication this is huge
and to be honest when they told me I was going to have to start shooting insulin, I was not sure how I felt about the whole situation
I mean it's not painful, but it is a pain in the ass and moreover, I STILL HATE TAKING MEDS
but since making the switch, my blood sugars have been great
I have felt better, I'm healing relatively well and the biggest change for me has been the ability to eat

When I was only on oral medication I was starving all the time. Literally walking around counting the minutes until the next time I could eat again
in some ways, that's like being in prison

There were days when I returned from the gym, after having worked out for and hour and a half, I would not be able to snack cause my sugar was, "just about where it should be..." which is fine & dandy but try going all day on little to no food. Trying to distract yourself/lie to yourself constantly that you're not hungry gets really old real quick. Now that I'm on the needle, I'm able to eat and feel full again.
I know what you are thinking...

"It's right back to pizzas & candy bars for this guy"

but it hasn't been bad at all
I eat
I feel satisfied
I go on with my day

I'm really interested to see how this will interact with my working out
once I am able to start up again
maybe there will be some wiggle room for cheats
but I'm not worried about that right now
and neither should you be ;)

I hope you all are well.


Monday, June 21, 2010

the past ten or so days have been som...

the past ten or so days have been somewhat trying.
At this point last week, I was enjoying my first full day in the hospital
as much as one can enjoy their time in the hospital
I had a hunch when I drove myself to the ER, I would be staying
so I packed a bag with the essentials
extra drawers
phone & charger
ipod & charger
NDS & charger
and of course my own personal assortment of toiletries
cause to be honest, that nonsense they give you to wash
up with in the hospital
is just plain nonsense
So I spent my time on the IV
taking pills
taking more pills
being hooked up to more IVS
and generally lamenting the fact I had to 
sit on my ass and burn precious sick time
but I am fortunate in the fact I did not need to have anything 
or scraped or trimmed etc.,
yet another warning shot across my bow
but life has changed somewhat
as I am, "on the needle" now
and as far as I can tell, things seem to be going well
but again its an adjustment 
and its hard 
and not in a good way
my dad is right
when you have diabetes
you have to keep your mind occupied at all times 
cause honestly idle hand DO the Devil's work 
even if that work is only a sammich
Cause you can rationalize yourself out of a piece of carrot cake/bowl of ice cream/candy bar
but to say no to a turkey & cheese sandwich 
when your stomach is YELLING at you
that my friend is a completely different  story
So...I read and write and listen to podcasts 
and game 
and facebook
and dream of being able to work and work out again
can't rush things though
one day at a time
full steam ahead
I hope you all are well.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

The High Seas...

at some point we all become lost

maybe its misguided or maybe or lack of direction is our own
at any rate, once again I'm fucking lost and looking to right the ship
turn it around
find the north star and sail on until morning

cause in reality things are not really that screwed up
I mean I have my family
and friends
I'm relatively healthy
and I don't go to bed hungry every night
far from it

so to be all down in the dumps and in despair is

for a while I thought the change in my mood was due to
my decision to
stop the prozac
but i'm back on the prozac
and though I feel somewhat better
things are not as they should be
so I have to work that much harder to get back to
day one

I'm ok with that
I can do that on my own
and be ok
cos honestly, I'm one of the
most resilient people
I know
and you can do and say whatever you want
but regardless of anything I've said then or now
you're still just a fucking blink in the time of my life
and I know you're not the only blink but if
you happen to be the last blink before
these tired eyes close
I'm ok with that

cos right or wrong
I've lived my life on the ropes
and I've never been knocked to the canvas
I can take anything and everything thrown at me
and just hitting these keys like punches thrown at me
I'm feeling better already
like the wheel is spinning
turning the ship around
finding that star
a course set
sailing straight on until morning

soon my light will rise

I hope you all are well.