those brutal heat waves we had this summer, the ones that made you feel like convenience-store burrito, left to die under a heat lamp,
they seem to have moved on
i'm ok with it
even though I am no longer the guy in shorts 12 months a year
you still have to show love to the seasons
if not love then, at least some respect or
at the very least recognition
"Yes, Winter, you are the man! If i get drunk and pass out, outside here, you will be the death of me. You win, dude. You win."
"I know, Fall. I know...you TOLD me to bring a sweater...and i didn't...and now i have a scorching case of strep throat. You've never been the bastard before but, I can't stay mad at you.You did tell me."
usually this is the time of year i wax poetic about those golden, fall days in Southeastern Minnesota. times when most things I needed were 5 minutes away
but
falls have always been golden or at least for as long as I can remember they have been.
many centuries ago, in a time called 1991, fall represented a new found freedom
no longer enslaved by the chains of high school, i began to live life.
friendships started within the confines of academia became forged through time, honor, and mettle.
i began a journey i walk still this very day. a journey on the path of,
"Just Who The Fuck Does This Guy Think He Is?!"
metal, while still polarizingly popular, was giving way to new sound coming out of the Pacific NorthWest, music would cease to be the same after, 'grunge' reared its wonderfully alternative head.
i associate fall with inumerable things
grunge music
soundtrack from the motion picture, Singles
college days
band practice
weekend road trips throughout the NorthEast to see a million bands for cheap, eat cheaper food, and drink the cheapest beer
trips to various spots in nature to either hang out or just reconnect with ourselfs, something I think young people today are sorely in need of.
and of course, Fall makes me think of foliage
the turning colors of the leaves as they
break away
float fall
wither
and
die
as unfortunate as it is, i associate Fall with
Shannon
Scott
Kurt
Chris
Andrew
and most of all with
Layne
so throw on your docs and a flannel, grab a pumpkin-flavored beer, turn this one up loud, and enjoy!
i’ve been out of commission for a while
almost six months to be exact
that shit is for the birds
oddly enough…the wheels always seem to fall of my bus
right as summer pulls into town
which is just a damn shame
nothing takes the rock and roll out of you or makes you feel your age
like having to ride the bench
and my ass has made dents in the bench this season
at times…
i’ve been on the verge losing it
my shit
all of it
can’t say i’ve never been suicidal
cause i have
maybe more than thrice
maybe not
only really been all in, on going, all in
once
that shit is wonderful and terrifying all at once
you’d think it would offer some perspective
a glimpse of who you are
maybe it does
but after 45 laps around the sun
the only thing i know is
i aint earned the cred to join
michael+kurt+chester+chris+robin+kate
and
yeah even you, bourdain
the year where my body and heavy metal tried to do me in
one last time
no encores
no reprieve
i penned my own chapter in my book of souls
i get really low sometimes and thats ok
its become even more ok, the more laps this rock does around the sun
people are waking up about mental illness and how it affects everyone, in one way or another
so far my default has been to not focus on how low i can go
it gets scary sometimes and I would be lying if I said I never think about
checking out, at least one time or another
Im sure it will come up for my consideration again, who knows?
what i do know is i have a bunch of pills i take twice a day that for better or worse
keep me on the fairly righteous path
though not without cost to the parts of me i enjoy the most
the creativity suffers
the logical and linear thinking ceases to exhist
normal sleep patterns act like they were never really a thing
and that would be ok
except
i have memories of all these things
some good, some not so good
at least a few times a week
i have the vivid memory of being the architect of my own demise
that shit was both exhilerating and terrifying all at once
even more interesting is the one who was there for me
when no one else was
i no longer talk to
its an unfortunate
but necessary circumstance & regret
they like it better that way
and i understand
i just hope its understood
i was lost during that period in my life
probably moreso than ever before
and none of my actions were born of
intent to hurt or injure or out of
pure selfishness
they were just the markings left
by a wander in this wasteland called
life
no direction
just keeping one foot in front of the other
always forward.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers, JJ
Monday, October 09, 2017
This has been an especially rough summer, especially in the music world.
We lost some greats.
Chris Cornell, an original godfather of grunge and one of the most amazing vocal ranges.
Chester Bennington, whether you liked Linkin Park or not, dude could sing and seemed like a genuinely nice, albeit depressed guy.
The most recent casualty, Tom Motherfuckin' Petty. a total shoe-in for the Rock N' Roll HOF.
One of the saddest things is the first two artists took their own lives. There will be those who speak ill of them. They will say they had everything, the world on a string. While that may appear to be true, something was not right in their own private Idahos.
See, sometimes shit goes sideways or, if you're from across the pond, pear-shaped. I've always wondered what the origin of that saying was, because what the hell is wrong with the shape of a pear? Why should it be linked to things going epically wrong? Something like that could give fat-bottomed girls and lard-ass boys a complex.
In reality, we only see the artists public persona and that may or may not truly be who they are. It must be terribly exhausting to have to be, "ON" all the time to please everyone, fans included. I was spotifying some metal today. Linkin Park's, "One Step Closer" came on. The lyrics jumped out at me. Chester could have been hurting his whole career and no one ever noticed. "Cause I'm one step closer and I'm about to break..." doesn't get much clearer then that. Was it coincidence that Chris Cornell and Chester were friends, probably not but, I hate to think one suicide contributed to the other. Either way, they will now shine brighter than when they were with us.
This, of course, includes Tom Petty. Full screen this bad Larry and enjoy!
I know this is not a huge favorite of old-school fans but, it might be my favorite Tom Petty song. Maybe ten years ago, my brother got Tom Petty tickets for my birthday. While my taste in music has always been varied, Tom Petty was never an artist I felt like I HAD TO SEE. I put on the surprised and excited face but inside, all I could think was, "Tom Petty...really? What am I 50 years old?" The concert was two months away which was plenty of time for me to forget about it. When the Saturday came around I was considering faking an ass-ache but, I felt bad my brother shelled out some decent cash for the tickets. Reluctantly, I went.
It was my brother, sister in law and I. We did minor tail-gating, beer, and chips beforehand. Not even a buzz walking in, which was fine by me cause it was hot and humid and that would pretty much guarantee a headache. My Morning Jacket opened open. I was only mildly familiar with their stuff but a somewhat little-known fact *cough* is that their fans are fans of the mari-ji-wanna. The air took on somewhat of a sweet yet pungent tang and by the time Tom came on, everyone was doing alright.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers for lack of a better phrase, "fucking blew me away." They played for a solid two hours and I knew way more of his catalog than I thought I did. The ungodly early Sunday mornings I spent as a dishwasher listening to classic rock, left a bigger impression on me than I thought.
When I heard of Chris Cornell passing I was shocked. Not as much as I thought I would have been but still shocked. I immediately thought of Michael Hutchence, from INXS, another tragic loss. The next few nights, I fell asleep to Soundgarden's, "Badmotorfinger" and was disappointed I never gave that disc the credit it deserves. It's solid front to back. More importantly, I was sad I would never have the opportunity to see those songs performed live.
A short time after this event I was getting in my car and driving home from work. When I pulled in to the driveway, I had a news alert. I learned Chester had also taken his life. "OH COME ON!!!" I yelled as I punched the steering wheel. 2017 was wreaking havoc on my favorite musicians and I didn't even think there would be more to come.
When I learned of Tom Petty passing, that coupled with the shooting rampage in Las Vegas, I put myself in a self-imposed media blackout. "Jane, get me off this crazy thing, " was all I could think. It's so hard to not feel discouraged and beat down when you turn on the television or read new on the internet. Everything sucks. The news sucks, government sucks, and unfortunately, people suck. Never in a million years did I think when I sat in high school that this was going to be the type of bullshit world that I was going to have to live in.
That being said, I am going to go and throw on the headphones and fall asleep to Tom Petty.
Rest In Power, Tom!
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
jj
Monday, January 30, 2017
I have the worst job. I mean I don't but, at the same time, I do.
I work in the bursar's office of a small, community college. the bursar's office...the bursar's office... yes, where you go to pay your tuition.
I am only allowed to work part time, cause otherwise the state would have to pay for my health insurance and we KNOW that ain't happening so, for now, part time is fine.
I don't have the patience for a full time gig right now i'm in my third semester of nursing school and other things I have not blogged about yes, it has been that long
I was hoping to finish before I blogged again, so that I could say, "TAH-DAH...I'M A MOTHER-FUCKING NURSE!"
but life happens.
i came back cause I had a burst of inspiration this morning it was like creativity was peaking out from under the blankets of antidepressants and bullshit. "Remember me?" "Yeah. I remember you.You helped me woo women back in the day."
Now the only women I surround myself with are either helping me clean the shit off of someone or trying to make me kill myself, by asking the most ridiculous test questions ever. exciting...I KNOW
I really would love tales of adventure but those need to be somewhat on hold, at least until i pass the nclecks ( I know it's not spelled that way)
for some reason Pasadena calls to me. not sure why, I've only been there once but had a good time. To be fair, most times you are involved in a wedding weekend, you'll have a good time. Pasadena just seemed relaxed and perfect. yet I say this without even knowing if I could afford to live there. i should probably look into that.
i hope you all are well.
Cheers, jj
Monday, May 30, 2016
they tell me, "if you want to get better, you need to write every day."
maybe I don't want to write every day. maybe I just want to sit down and bang it out when inspiration hits me. maybe I just want to write when I am in envy of someone elses other artsy stuff.
maybe I don't want to get better, be great or have my shit seen by a ton of people.
maybe I want to drown in my own mediocrity.
sometimes 50% is all thats left in the tank after the day to day rigamarole we call life.
so maybe all I want to do is take time to recharge.
maybe I want to sit in a warm climate and listen to dave matthews and tim reynolds
while I'm drinking beers and eating pizza.
maybe neither my location nor my pancreas thinks thats a great idea.
maybe I have to say, "fuck you rhode island, fuck you pancreas, and fuck you dave matthews."
wait.....no. Not, "fuck dave matthews, he rules."
maybe it sounds like I need to sit and bang it out, every...single...day.
Sometimes I swear my parents went wrong when they named me
that’s where it ended though because from there on out, i
took the wheel and it’s been all uphill since there. sometimes I think I should
not use this blog to express what i feel but then again, if I am not writing
for me, who the hell am I writing for?
i know there is no audience, there may be three, perhaps
four people at most, who check in from time to and see if just maybe i have
stopped typing like my name is Eeyore. sorry to disappoint you but i’m back at
the helm again and for what it’s worth, things are proving to be somewhat more
than challenging. for what seems like an eternity, i battle one medical problem
after another. since i lost the job that kept me poor, yet out on my own, my
personal health has been in the toilet. whatever sense of independence i had
vanished with my privacy, as i moved back in with the parents. i watched a
decent social life dwindle and my nest egg saved for a rainy day disappear like,
“presto change-o ala peanut butter sandwiches” or some shit like that.
my most recent battle was with my left foot. gratefully it
was not clubbed like Daniel Day Lewis’ foot, in a film of the same name but, I
have problems with blisters and ulcerations and other stuff associated with
uncontrolled diabetes. People hear uncontrolled diabetes and think a person
sits around eating birthday cake sandwiches and candy and drinking coffee
coolattas, like they are never going to make them again, with no regard for
themselves nor those taking care of them.
i’m sure in some cases that may be true but not in mine.
Before all this nonsense started I was in the best shape of my life, feeling
really great and starting to think that all was not doomed. then lo and behold
the “Job variable” struck me and my ass has been kicked in one way or another
almost six years now. Something needs to give.
there is also a part of me which thinks I forever rock the
Eeyore card cause somehow it always has to be about me. which is crazy to hear
myself say, cause if i looked back on most of my life, I think i’d see i put
everyone else before me, most of the time. this may be true and maybe just
maybe that is my role in life, to be the one person that people can count on
and come to and because of the selflessness of my actions, my reward will be
great once i leave this rock. But the longer i read textbooks in the areas of
science, the more i worry this is the only rodeo in the galaxy.
fall
