where have you gone?
8:36 AM Saturday
I’m coffee’d , breakfasted and now I’m sitting here trying to come up with a believable reason to not go to the gym. Even though I was up many times urinating last night, there was still plenty of sleep. I’m not too physically tired, it’s more mental and just a general lack of motivation. Which is surprising because over the past few weeks, I’ve really been noticing progress in the mirror, in the way I look in t-shirts and in the way my jeans fit. I imagine my goal of a 36 waist is not that far away. If I keep working like I have been, maybe a month at most.
Being unemployed is really starting to fuck with my head. I think the last time I was this broke, I was 11 and hadn’t started working yet, for my Grandfather or otherwise. It’s not having money to burn that is the worst. What hurts the most is the disconnect I feel with my friends, due to living on the other side of the moon. Not only do I not get to see any of them, but if I do make the effort, the idea that I’ve just purchased my last $2000 tank of gas, ruins any joy I have during the visit. Even hitting the weights does not silence my mind completely. It does a good job of distracting and tiring me out but the incessant voices of self loathing and doubt sometimes seem to be turned up even louder, as if they are trying to compete with the metal blaring from my head phones.
I grabbed about seven job applications yesterday, no place I’d actually want to work but sometimes you have to suck it up and bend over. I am not above this. In my application gathering mission, I was becoming increasingly annoyed with the number of businesses who told me, “We don’t have applications because we’re going paperless.”…and then they would hand me a slip of paper with directions on how to get to their website to fill out an application. Um, guess what? You’re NOT GOING PAPERLESS YOU NITWIT, CAUSE YOU JUST HANDED ME A SLIP OF PAPER!!!
I’ve decided minor muscle fatigue and a case of fat-kid-itis is not going to keep me from the gym today. I’m off to put on my socks and get the hell out of dodge. Gym is only open till one today and I have a lot to get done.
I hope you all are well.