Maybe this blog should call it a day...

Sometimes you just fucking get lost, there is no other way to say it. One moment you are walking with the sure-footed-ness of someone with really sure feet and the next moment, you don't know whether to shit or go blind. What's worse, is usually the more you struggle and search for the path you were on, the harder it is to find again. It's almost as if someone is playing the cruelest of jokes on you and just won't stop.

So what do you do?

You have no idea. At first the, "this too shall pass" defense was up and running. You think this works about 80 percent of the time for normal, trust fund, well-endowed, cookie-cutter, Barrington, Newport, Westchester County, Richie McRicherton types. Since most of us don't fit into these molds (gratefully, and I apologize if your packing the love Howitzer in your pants) we need alternative strategies....a la PLAN B. In your experience after "this too..." is gone, your old friend Apathy shows up. Apathy is dressed in the clothes of the relationship that is never going to happen. She comes over and maybe you guys go to dinner or a movie or both. Maybe you stay in and watch Scrubs or whatever netflix has sent you, while eating pizza/thai/indian/chinese. Maybe you have a few drinks and maybe a few more laughs. Maybe you guys laugh a little closer and maybe she kisses you.

Maybe...

Maybe you guys end up making out for hours on end. Maybe you end up making out so long, you're sure you have heard all of the songs on your iTunes playlist at least twice and she doesn't care. Maybe she tells you to get naked. Maybe being naked on the couch is scary. Maybe scary is good. Maybe this is your weekend and maybe there are no worries about calling out of work. Maybe night turns into morning. Maybe mother nature co-operates with a nice breeze and maybe the fleece blanket from college is all you need.

Maybe this happens semi-regularly.

Maybe you make the mistake of expressing ideas and opinions. Maybe you want this to be something more than maybe. Maybe your listed as guy@work in her cellphone. Maybe she gets all bajiggity at the thought of all of this. Maybe she changes the subject. Maybe she does this all the time. Maybe you have had this conversation over and over again. Maybe it seems like this conversation will never end. Maybe it feels like you're banging your head against a wall.

Maybe you are.

Maybe Apathy keeps coming over but she wears a new outfit, from a new designer. Maybe that designer is PANIC. Maybe the both of you stare at the tv more and talk less. Maybe Apathy should just go. Maybe Apathy will respect your wishes for once and just leave you alone. Maybe Apathy will stop leaving PANIC all over the floor of your kitchen/living/bedroom. Maybe Apathy will just disappear. Maybe Apathy should never call when she knows you are writing. Maybe Apathy promises to change.

Maybe...

Maybe Apathy does change somewhat. Maybe she grows tired of designer labels. Maybe Apathy becomes more available. Maybe this is all a facade. Maybe Apathy makes and breaks plans more often. Maybe Apathy leaves you with a ton of time on your hands. Maybe Apathy you should have fucked PANIC and Apathy when you had the chance. Maybe you never even had the chance.

Maybe you had the chance and never even knew it.

Maybe...

Maybe Apathy calls to tell you about her marvelous new friend. Maybe you fake interest. Maybe she goes on and on and on. Maybe all you want to do is eat a burrito and then rub one out. Maybe Apathy's new friend happens to be male. Maybe his name is DESPAIR. Maybe Apathy and DESPAIR are now bestest friends. Maybe you are so jealous/angry/heart broken all you want to do is break shit. Maybe you should nail the nasty chick from the bar.

Maybe...

Maybe DESPAIR shows up at your place and tells you he doesn't want you to talk to Apathy anymore. Maybe you tell DESPAIR to, "go fuck himself." Maybe DESPAIR makes the mistake of balling his fist. Maybe you see this and hit DESPAIR so hard and so fast, he momentarily forgets how to speak english. Maybe he rethinks his toughguy bullshit attitude, spits on you and runs away.

Maybe...

Maybe you look back on all of your experiences with Apathy, PANIC & DESPAIR and realize the whole thing was fucked and you won't let it happen again. Maybe you learned a tough lesson for the final time.

Maybe...

I am cold...

...and suddenly there was peace and harmony across the land. Then I realized I was sleeping. And by sleeping I mean I had passed out due to fever and exhaustion. And by exhaustion, I mean I'm working something like 16 days straight, most of those being double shifts. Glutton for punishment...maybe.

My birthday was good. Went to the Stuf' with "W" and El Capitan. The beer and liquor flowed like water, the chicken blt wrap was delicious(as always.) There was not a good looking to be found within three counties(as always.) And the Sox...well they got their asses handed to them by the Rangers. That was just completely unacceptable. You win some, you lose some, this I understand. But to get the shit and four $ beat out of you, when the season hasn't even really started yet, hmmm.... that's a toughy.

I picked up some new running shoes. Dick's was having a sale and who am I to say no to two pair of Adidas for $80? Now my heel spurs are much more comfortable and I don't look like I'm wearing Forrest Gump's hand-me-downs, (which I would never do anyway, as Nike is the fucking devil.)

Today I went to Michael's and spent more $$$ on some crafty shit I will probably never use. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. At least mine will be decoupaged and look all sparkly and shit.

The fever is taking over....more sleep before work.

I hope you all well.

Cheers,
JJ

Old Scratch...

In thirty-three minutes, I will be thirty-three years old. I am celebrating with a roast beef sandwich and a bottle of water. I don't know if I can contain myself from all the excitement.

I have been working alot lately. This weekend I worked 40 hours in three days. Life has been somewhat of a bitch but with people being out and second team not picking any of the slack up, someone (me) has to man-up. I work tomorrow...only one shift. Then I am spending my weekend working. and I work a double on Friday and probably through the weekend. Overtime is good. I have some stuff I'd like to do with the money but I'm not really sure how much I am going to make. I know I will get killed in taxes, but I should finally have the money I need to buy an iPod. If not, well then I can buy some new shorts as the ones I have now are getting a bit big...not that this is a bad thing.

It was a tough shift at work today. You can't ever let your gaurd down, not ever. The older I get, the more spiritual I feel I am becoming. I don't mean like bible-thumpin' but if you're not reading anything else, it's not a bad book to pick up. Anyway...its been almost a year since the devil made an appearance. Tonight, he decided to come back in full force and while his entrance made a little bit of an impression, I told him to go fuck himself. That both me and my man JC did not welcome his ass, nor did we want it around, so get to steppin; cause there was nothing to see here. He looked at me like I was talkin' shit and maybe I was, but in the end you stand your ground, and JC has always got your back.

I watched someone wracked with convulsions, seizures or something just all over nasty. I watched as she fought for breath, as she struggle to stay conscious and in the end lost that fight. I watched as my team worked as a well-oiled machine to keep the guest alive. I watched and kept my composure as the devil shook this guest, winked at me and asked, "where is your God now?" I watched as a young form was turned into something resembling something from, "the grudge." Many people put faith in science. While I understand that, tonight the only science I was agreeing with was, "for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction." While my team worked, I prayed silently over the body, I hate myself for feeling somewhat embarrassed about that but I don't think people would have understood. For what it's worth, 45 minutes later the guest was up and talking and joking around. They had regained enough energy to walk to their room and lay down. Eventually the guest even came out to have a can of coke and then back to bed.

After third watch started, I left and went to Stoppie's. I picked up a bottle of water and roast beef on a bulkie roll. Not a great way to celebrate but what are you gonna do?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ