Tonight I was jolted by a thought, maybe even a memory. You always have to be wary of the shuffle feature on whatever your music player of choice may be. If you are not careful, it might just throw you that third strike, curve ball you were sure you were going to take...downtown. While engaged in the many pursuit of purchasing hygiene products from the body shop, (screw you, I like to smell nicey) Dar William's, "If I wrote you" came up. I have heard this song a dozen or so times over the past few months, it must have been on as background music, or maybe I was engaged in writing or whatever, but I don't think I actually heard the song.
Tonight...I heard the song. It was a kin to something like a sucker punch. It brought back memories of college, more specifically of Heidi, the one who got away. Why Heidi got away is debatable, but for now I am choosing to place the blame on myself and fear. Fuck fear. For what it's worth, Heidi was one of the few people who I could honestly be me with. I'm sure I've crafted many a tale of lament about Heidi in previous posts, so if there is anything anyone wants to know, email me, otherwise I will try to put this one to bed. What is most ironic about tonight, the song title, my memories of Heidi and about a million other things, is we used to email all the time. The messages were something I'm sure we both checked our inboxes frequently for. I know I did.
After we last saw each other, after my heart was broken and after the last of my money had been spent on a fucking bus ticket, there were no more emails. There were no more phone calls, no more care packages, nothing. Maybe a better way to look at it would be to say, "there were no more lies." Heidi told me she had never said certain things to me because she was thinking about my feelings (and deep down inside I honestly believe that.) So tonight when Ms. Williams asked if she wrote the object of her affection, the breaker of her heart, the recipient of her letter, and answered her own question with, "you will not write me again" I started doing what I do best and deconstructing any defense I might have developed in regard to this matter.
The, "what-ifs" and "just one emails" bandied about in my head and in the end I said, "fuck it." Nothing good would come of it. I would write, she would respond and tell me how fucking great her married life is even though it's everything she told me she never wanted. I would fake happiness for her and maybe the emails would continue for a few weeks, but in the end what would I have accomplished beyond opening wounds I have done a good job of healing?
Even more funny, and I think, "the fates" have it out for me tonight, I wrote this post whilst listening to David Gray, the concert I went to at Madison Square Garden. The concert I emptied out my bank account for to buy tickets for both Heidi and I. The concert I attended alone, cause someone couldn't get out of work. Mr. Gray helped me through a rough time before and has done so again. For that I'm grateful. Slainte, Mr. Gray!!!
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Days go by...
I've never called myself a quitter, unless we talk about the time I took ice skating lessons early on in my life. Someone
just should have told me that was a bad idea and left it at that. The reason I mention quitting is, today I was expected to
be at work, and while I did not quit my job, I did call out sick. I mean every now and again, I think we all can say we need
a mental health day and to be perfectly honest, I was due. Things around the local grind have been fairly hectic and as I
have been the defacto boss, as my boss and my bosses boss have been on vacation or choosing to not come to work,
yours truly decided to take a long weekend.
In other news...
I would like to extend belated congrats to some of my favorite Minnesotans, Mary and Kevin H. Newly proud parents to
a health baby boy, I wish their family and friends all the best.
Moving right along...
Weather hasn't totally sucked as much this week. It's still cold but it did actually get warm enough for the second ice
age that surrounded my house to all but disappear. This is good as there are new gutters being put on. I watched the
special edition of Boondock Saints this week. Even if it was not the special edition, that film will always be special to
me. Sean Patrick Flanery is just a great actor. When you sit there and know you know someone from another film
but just cant place it, but they are not wearing any outlandish makeup or costuming, thats some good acting.
I have been experiencing somewhat of a drought of good tunes. Anyone listening to anything good? Anyone have
any suggestions for this jackass?
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
just should have told me that was a bad idea and left it at that. The reason I mention quitting is, today I was expected to
be at work, and while I did not quit my job, I did call out sick. I mean every now and again, I think we all can say we need
a mental health day and to be perfectly honest, I was due. Things around the local grind have been fairly hectic and as I
have been the defacto boss, as my boss and my bosses boss have been on vacation or choosing to not come to work,
yours truly decided to take a long weekend.
In other news...
I would like to extend belated congrats to some of my favorite Minnesotans, Mary and Kevin H. Newly proud parents to
a health baby boy, I wish their family and friends all the best.
Moving right along...
Weather hasn't totally sucked as much this week. It's still cold but it did actually get warm enough for the second ice
age that surrounded my house to all but disappear. This is good as there are new gutters being put on. I watched the
special edition of Boondock Saints this week. Even if it was not the special edition, that film will always be special to
me. Sean Patrick Flanery is just a great actor. When you sit there and know you know someone from another film
but just cant place it, but they are not wearing any outlandish makeup or costuming, thats some good acting.
I have been experiencing somewhat of a drought of good tunes. Anyone listening to anything good? Anyone have
any suggestions for this jackass?
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Monday, February 19, 2007
Dispatches from home...
I originally started crafting this post about 20 hours ago. However, due to fucking technical difficulties, I had to stop.
In case you were wondering, no one in the state of rhode island has rock salt. I even set foot into the wal*mart, I was
fired from a decade ago, in hopes of finding something to melt the layer of ice, literally covering ever square inch of my humble abode.
No dice. I did however see several people who I worked with while I was still employed by wal*mart. I hate to be the naysayer but it seems to me none of these people have any aspirations for themselves if they are still there. Even with
the profit sharing, vesting and stock options, it's not like these people are going to be able to retire on what they are making. Now maybe I am being hasty and they are there because retirement plans have already been made, and they are just making extra money to blow at Foxwoods, Mohegan Sun or *gasp* Lincoln Park.
I received a call and email from my Citrus Queen this weekend. She wanted to check in with me and see how the week end was going, since the rest of the week was not all that stellar. CQ informed me a mutual friend and my collegiate roommate, was looking for someone to share an apartment in May. Normally I would jump at the chance to be reunited with DG but I have my health and student loans to consider. Once again, I can bend over and smile. Plus to be honest,the thought of moving to, "the windy city" when all I really want is to move south, seems kind of counter productive.
Still, hooking up with DG again would be interesting.
Anyone know of a good, licensed massage therapist in RI or surrounding MA? My neck and shoulders are turning into something akin to titanium and I'm not sure what to do about it. All I know is the pain is starting to get to me. *Yawn*
I guess it's time for a little more reading before bed.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
In case you were wondering, no one in the state of rhode island has rock salt. I even set foot into the wal*mart, I was
fired from a decade ago, in hopes of finding something to melt the layer of ice, literally covering ever square inch of my humble abode.
No dice. I did however see several people who I worked with while I was still employed by wal*mart. I hate to be the naysayer but it seems to me none of these people have any aspirations for themselves if they are still there. Even with
the profit sharing, vesting and stock options, it's not like these people are going to be able to retire on what they are making. Now maybe I am being hasty and they are there because retirement plans have already been made, and they are just making extra money to blow at Foxwoods, Mohegan Sun or *gasp* Lincoln Park.
I received a call and email from my Citrus Queen this weekend. She wanted to check in with me and see how the week end was going, since the rest of the week was not all that stellar. CQ informed me a mutual friend and my collegiate roommate, was looking for someone to share an apartment in May. Normally I would jump at the chance to be reunited with DG but I have my health and student loans to consider. Once again, I can bend over and smile. Plus to be honest,the thought of moving to, "the windy city" when all I really want is to move south, seems kind of counter productive.
Still, hooking up with DG again would be interesting.
Anyone know of a good, licensed massage therapist in RI or surrounding MA? My neck and shoulders are turning into something akin to titanium and I'm not sure what to do about it. All I know is the pain is starting to get to me. *Yawn*
I guess it's time for a little more reading before bed.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Monday, February 12, 2007
A Little's Enough...
When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say
I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself
Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say
I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself
I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough
(Just a little...)
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say
I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself
Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say
I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself
I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough
(Just a little...)
Nothing but Savages...
I'm sitting and typing and not really sure where I'm going with any of this. Most of me wants to scream until my vocal
chords are caked with dried blood. It has been a Monday. One of those Mondays that makes you want to crawl back
into bed and pull the covers over your head. A Monday that makes you want to fall back asleep and never wake up.
As of late things had seemed to be improving: no more depression meds, sleep habits more regular and life in general
just seemed semi-normal. I was pushing myself to move beyond my comfort zones. I was taking risks, whether or not
I thought they were going to pay off. I was actually starting to *gasp* enjoy myself.
Normally, when the hammer drops, I can sense it coming. Today it came special delivery...in the form of a fucking
car accident. A mere year and a half after my last accident, again I got hit coming out of my driveway. I love how
it is soley my responsibility to make sure there was no traffic coming. I did that. No one gave a citation to the
motherfucker who parked thier fucking jeep, half on the sidewalk-half on the street. No one asked if the driver of the
other vehicle was speeding. No one asked if anyone but me was at fault.
Gratefully, no one was hurt and damage to my car is minor. Of course I had to hit a BMW 325i, fresh from the body
shop, with an insurance agent as a passenger. People have been telling me all day, it was an accident and while I
agree, that doesn't make it suck any less, nor my insurance any cheaper. I can't afford collision now, so with this little
opportunity, it is most definetely out of my price range.
In other news...
The co-worker, who is no longer a co-worker, who I asked on a date, has either been to busy to return my call or was
just placating my offer and never had any intentions of meeting me for brunch, coffee, or several stiff drinks and a
meaningless make out session. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to make a last ditch effort to connect with
her. I mean I know how busy life can get when changing jobs, but part of me feels as though I should have gleened
some message in txt message and call not returned.
Does anyone know where the well-read, single women hang out?
Up until about 2 O'Clock today I was considering an ibook. As my car made impact with the beamer, I watched the
ibook fly away on wings of insurance paper work. All things considered I'm doing ok with this latest monkey wrench
in my works. I'm on the brink of financial ruin and to be honest the only way I can see to solve the problem is to have
two of my "almost grown" male friends move in with me. I'm approaching 35 and yet, my life still resembles that of a
shitty Vince Vaughn / Luke Wilson film.
What makes matters worse is when you realize you're fundamentally a great person and yet you watch everything
crumble around you. It's enough to make someone ponder the sense of walking the path of the righteous man.
With any luck, Tom DeLonge and Angels & Airwaves will calm me enough to sleep. Back to the salt mine tomorrow.
What a great fucking weekend.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
chords are caked with dried blood. It has been a Monday. One of those Mondays that makes you want to crawl back
into bed and pull the covers over your head. A Monday that makes you want to fall back asleep and never wake up.
As of late things had seemed to be improving: no more depression meds, sleep habits more regular and life in general
just seemed semi-normal. I was pushing myself to move beyond my comfort zones. I was taking risks, whether or not
I thought they were going to pay off. I was actually starting to *gasp* enjoy myself.
Normally, when the hammer drops, I can sense it coming. Today it came special delivery...in the form of a fucking
car accident. A mere year and a half after my last accident, again I got hit coming out of my driveway. I love how
it is soley my responsibility to make sure there was no traffic coming. I did that. No one gave a citation to the
motherfucker who parked thier fucking jeep, half on the sidewalk-half on the street. No one asked if the driver of the
other vehicle was speeding. No one asked if anyone but me was at fault.
Gratefully, no one was hurt and damage to my car is minor. Of course I had to hit a BMW 325i, fresh from the body
shop, with an insurance agent as a passenger. People have been telling me all day, it was an accident and while I
agree, that doesn't make it suck any less, nor my insurance any cheaper. I can't afford collision now, so with this little
opportunity, it is most definetely out of my price range.
In other news...
The co-worker, who is no longer a co-worker, who I asked on a date, has either been to busy to return my call or was
just placating my offer and never had any intentions of meeting me for brunch, coffee, or several stiff drinks and a
meaningless make out session. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to make a last ditch effort to connect with
her. I mean I know how busy life can get when changing jobs, but part of me feels as though I should have gleened
some message in txt message and call not returned.
Does anyone know where the well-read, single women hang out?
Up until about 2 O'Clock today I was considering an ibook. As my car made impact with the beamer, I watched the
ibook fly away on wings of insurance paper work. All things considered I'm doing ok with this latest monkey wrench
in my works. I'm on the brink of financial ruin and to be honest the only way I can see to solve the problem is to have
two of my "almost grown" male friends move in with me. I'm approaching 35 and yet, my life still resembles that of a
shitty Vince Vaughn / Luke Wilson film.
What makes matters worse is when you realize you're fundamentally a great person and yet you watch everything
crumble around you. It's enough to make someone ponder the sense of walking the path of the righteous man.
With any luck, Tom DeLonge and Angels & Airwaves will calm me enough to sleep. Back to the salt mine tomorrow.
What a great fucking weekend.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Saturday, February 10, 2007
You know...
One thing I've noticed...
I don't get the hits I once used to. I understand why. I mean it's simple really, this guy doesn't blog like he used to. This
guy doesn't do a lot of things like he used to but if empty promises are at all reassuring, this guy is going to try and blog
more or regularly
or
maybe more regularly, which may require several cups of coffee and some delicious bran muffins, of which I'm not allowed.
However, that is another story entirely.
I suppose I could bolster my hits by begging people to read my blog via myspace. Maybe a mass email to all of my
friends would help as well. I'm sure the inclusion of the phrases, "Free Ring Tones" or "Girls Who Hate Cock" would also
do the trick, alas I have never been one for smoke and mirrors.
As for me...
Things are good. The one you want never calls you back. Work, student loans and death are all inevitable parts of life.
Responsible drinking is a good thing, especially if you have a tendancy to drunk dial, (as I do.) More salad and less
burritos make less jackassjimmy, which is also a good thing. Time to read and catch up on some zzzZZZZ's.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
I don't get the hits I once used to. I understand why. I mean it's simple really, this guy doesn't blog like he used to. This
guy doesn't do a lot of things like he used to but if empty promises are at all reassuring, this guy is going to try and blog
more or regularly
or
maybe more regularly, which may require several cups of coffee and some delicious bran muffins, of which I'm not allowed.
However, that is another story entirely.
I suppose I could bolster my hits by begging people to read my blog via myspace. Maybe a mass email to all of my
friends would help as well. I'm sure the inclusion of the phrases, "Free Ring Tones" or "Girls Who Hate Cock" would also
do the trick, alas I have never been one for smoke and mirrors.
As for me...
Things are good. The one you want never calls you back. Work, student loans and death are all inevitable parts of life.
Responsible drinking is a good thing, especially if you have a tendancy to drunk dial, (as I do.) More salad and less
burritos make less jackassjimmy, which is also a good thing. Time to read and catch up on some zzzZZZZ's.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
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