Not for the...

faint of heart.

Today was one of those days I just knew I was going to have to write at the end of the day
Not that anything horrible or even memorable happened, it was just a feeling I had.
Like there were demons to be exorcised and thrown out
My body is trying in vain to get back to normal
Normal blood sugar levels, normal sleep patterns
Normal everything
It almost seems pointless
As pointless as me sitting here and typing away
My fingers unfamiliar with the keyboard
Like the whole things is some foreign dance, seemingly impossible to learn
And yet we’ve done it a million times

I was bitten in the ass by nostalgia this week and I’m not sure why
I got all caught up in myself and thoughts of people I haven’t seen in so long
It doesn’t even matter any more because unless there is some huge tragedy
We’ll not see each other again
And that just makes me sad
The only thing that justifies seeing people you care about
Are incidents of death, sorrow and the like
Sure there are weddings and graduations and a christening here and there
but what about actually getting to sit down and speak with those you came to see
at length
to actually be able to talk about more than the weather
how great things used to be
and wouldn’t it be great if we could all go back for
a day
a week
a month

there are days I want nothing more
and then when I really think about it, I’m unsure
would it be as good
would I be as comfortable as I think I am now

we connected
we connected deeply whether you want to admit it or not
and I hope you are happy
I really, really do
cause there are so many parts of me that
hurt so goddamn bad when I think about you
and how fucking wonderful you are
whether you believe it or not
a pain so deep I can’t even cry cause there is no point to it
and I don’t even know anymore if seeing pictures of
you and the children
help or hurt me
but I’m too interested to look away
but too proud to reach out
cause I know you know
how I feel
how I’ve always felt
how I will feel for many years to come
and maybe that feeling is as unsettling to you
as it is to me
but I hope not
cause I want you to be happy
and not tortured by the ghosts
like I am
I wish you wonderfully peaceful days
and nights filled with fitful sleep and amazing dreams

my head hurts so goddamn bad right now and I have no idea if its caffeine, blood sugar, stress
or some Faustian combination of those three things and thinking of you
the one I can’t let go
I’ve tried
I really have and no matter what it is I think I’ve done that works
there is always something there to remind me of the time
when I still had hope
in you
in us
in myself
and right now I barely have any hope left for me
I’ve turned into everything I hated
everything I never wanted to become and was determined
not to become
and then life happened
and no matter how hard I hit back
life hit back twice as hard
and as tough as I am
I can only take so many punches
keep my guard up for so long
before the blows rain down one after another
and though I am conscious of them
I notice no difference in their force
destruction
pain
so now here I am
on the ropes
or in the
corner
wherever life wants
to whip my ass
and my eyes are swollen shut
and my give a damn has been broken since 2004
but the pills
make me numb
so I can’t feel it
so I can go on
so I can take
beating
after
beating
after
beating

…yeah this is much better than being dead
only another 30 or so years of this to look forward to
please God
someone
throw
in
my
towel

I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ

So in about...

seven hours I will be in front of a doctor.

what's is incredible about this is, I will have to tell him/her I've been off all of my medications, diabetic, anti-depressive and other wise, for almost six months.

while I think I've done remarkably well, all things considered, I'm sure Dr. Smartypants is going to look at me like I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. In some case they may be right but, without a job I have no health insurance and I know for a fact that without health insurance, just one of my medications costs $400 a month.

yeah, so I can't even imagine what a month's worth of medication, plus an office visit, plus any other hidden costs I'm sure will be thrown in there, would be. If I had to take a guess, it would be somewhere near the thousand dollar mark. Sad part is I don't even care that I've not been on my meds.

I've been eating right and working out and while I'm sure my A1c is not where it needs to be, I've been feeling pretty good. Today being the exception but I think I'm just stressed, dehydrated and need a break.

yeah I know, "WTF, DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING JOB?!?!?"

while this is true, living in the smallest house in the world, where it is all but impossible to not trip over anyone, even when you are just trying to change your mind, wears on you after a while.

I long for Sunday mornings when both of my parents are out at their weekend jobs, not because I have never loved working on Sunday but it gives me a short reprieve from having them hover over me for eighteen hours a day.

still reading, no writing, not much has changed. Guess I'll get some sleep before the mental ass-kicking I'm going to take later.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taking a few...

minutes before most boring developmental osych class ever. It's not the Prof's fault, I just could care less about the material and after losing my job, the last thing I want to think about are brains and how they do or do not work. I'm attempting to write this on a mac and the stubby keyboard, with the huge keys are giving me a hard time.

had a few throwdowns with the parents over the past week but things seem to be somewhat cooler now.

finding a job
y
not losing my fucking mind
are priorities now


there has been little to no socialization
and I blame that on
me being lazy
and gas being eleventy billion dollars a gallon
all of which make me not want to drive to the "big city"

just about an hour left before class

suppose I should get some reading done
so I don't get, "smoted".

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

38...

which is about 14 more than 24

at 24 there was less to worry about
at least that's the way it seemed to me

what was going on over the weekend
what girl was I going to talk my self out of kissing
will I have time to eat dinner and get to rehearsal on time

things like that

38 is vastly different

it's like
did I remember to fill prescriptions
did I take prescriptions
where are those damned pills again
how the fuck am I supposed to pay all these bills

when not thinking about the aforementioned
there are always the other thoughts floating in the background
how the hell am I going to pay my student loans off
when the fuck will I be able to move out of my parents basement
How many times do I have to tell them paneling/wall paper are archaic
no one uses that shit anymore

wish in one had and shit in the other
see which one fills up first

at 24 I was so busy
I had no time to listen to
the brutal voices in my head
the peoples opinions I could care less about
bad, bad fucking music

now it seems these are the only things around

Whatever...

at least I still have my library card

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. to the three or so people who didn't forget my birthday, thank you very much.

And he who,,,

forgets

another monochromatic day

not manic, nor panic, just gray and windy and cold
it will be great when spring finally decides to show up
wtf? how does a season/weather pattern call out of work?

another night in the basement
I drank some coffee in the hopes of making progress
in the library books
a week overdue
whatever...

I could study the material for the test I blew off on Tuesday night
I could eat a mountain of goat shit too
both would be equally pleasing and affective

so instead of reading, I watched some Spartacus:GOTA
and now here I am
clackity-clacking out thoughts for all two of you
sometimes I think this blog is so boring, I don't even read it

I bet it bares incredible likeness to the composition pads, notebooks and journals started and left for dead over the years

first song to "work" when I popped open winamp
was, "nothing man" by pearl jam
I had to crack a smile at that,
even if, for lack of anything else,
wonderful irony

next song was, "Where I want to be" by Dangerous Summer
and nothing could be further from the truth
as beautiful of a place as this is
it makes me even more insane
there is little to distract myself from myself
yeah sure, there are plenty of places to go and walk
and look and relax
but all of these activities
let my mind set to wandering
and then Im possessed
by the voices
yelling at me
and asking questions which after almost
forty-fucking-years
I still dont have answers to

can't tell if I'm cold cause my blood sugar is low
or because Im sitting in a fucking concrete basement
and two inches of fresh powder blanket the sea grass
on the front lawn, back yard and
the rest of this, "great island."

april first and new snow
if thats not a kick in the nuts
I have no idea what is
all I know is when the sun shines
and I can get out of the box for a few hours
each day
jimmy feels somewhat better

still get caught up in
the, "I dont have what other people my age have" game
although, now, faster than ever
I'm falling fucking behind
my brother, with his high school diploma
a new three bedroom house
and putting together his own business
and why shouldn't he be successful
he didnt jump through the hoops like
me
he told the hoops to go fuck themselves
and the universe or whatever else is out there
said, "hey buddy, good job on being a crank! Here, have a good life, with our compliments."

it's a bitter pill to swallow
but being who I am
I barely fucking notice
too busy worrying about
whether my next job will be
bagging groceries
shoveling shit
or picking up heavy shit
and putting it down someplace else

suppose I should hit the hay
gotta get enough rest
so as to be able to go to the
gym
at first light
so I can pick heavy shit up
and put it down
in an effort to
keep the fucking
gun out of my mouth

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ