Wednesday, July 27, 2005


While I was crafting what was shaping up to be a very good post on Monday, the power company in its spirit of compassion and fair play decided to shut down the grid for about 6 hours. As a result, I lost the post and had to sleep in a house something like an experiment in dehydration (due to the lack of power, ac & fans). So the following is the best recreation of the aforementioned post.

If Lance Armstrong held a press conference and said he was going to grow another dick, I would expect him to be packing some double barrel heat within three days or so. The guy is just amazing. I don't like to pander to, or try and give people who make millions of dollars a year for doing something like playing ball or riding a bike, a ton of props. Things we common folk do to get to work and to relax cause there isn’t money to take the jet to the Keys, you know? Mr. Armstrong is just the man plain and simple. He told cancer to go and fuck itself, got himself a rock star girlfriend and won the ultimate cycling race on the planet, seven times after course designers and riding teams alike, tried to make victory impossible for Mr. Lance.

In a country where professional cycling has as much of a following as those pro-rodeo clown competitions, Lance Armstrong is champion.

I am also a champion. I champion of a different sort but, a champion none the less.

I worried about not being able to come up with a cool post. Something people wouldn't mind reading. For awhile it really bothered me and while I spend time in the F1, driving to pick up what seemed like my first meal in 3 days, I started to get anxious and nervous and had somewhat of a minor anxiety attack. All of a sudden there were too many cars on the road. Even though the traffic was light for close to rush hour, I could feel my jaw clenching and making my upper and lower teeth one. It's hot, plain and simple. This summer has been hot. I am not even going to try and regale you with a, "It's hotter than..." joke because it's just hot. Hotter implies hotter than hot and the possibility of getting hotter. Eff that, Hot is the new Hotter, you heard it here first, from JackassJimmy. I love summer and all of the challenges it presents to me. The making sure I don't smell like a zoo keeper, walking from my car to the unit without looking like a pig in heat, and staying hydrated is a royal pain in the ass.

In a perfect world, I would be a 32 waist and 6 feet tall. I would have a job as a photojournalist and this would only be to support my successful writing career. I would be, "on assignment" or vacationing a good portion of the year and my wireless laptop would be powerful enough to make the Chief Technology Officer at NASA blush. I would be in a monogamous relationship with an amazing woman, a few years my junior. When she was able to tear herself away from her work or research, we would dance until the sun came up at El Divino in Ibiza, at The Equinox in London or just steal moments in the beauty of Cinque Terra. I would not have to be rich, just be able to support myself and family and if there was enough left over for a few accoutrements, that would be ok too. I would die somewhat early but in reasonably good health. My friends and family would be shocked but would know I had a good life and went smiling in my sleep.

I think we all have our ideas of a perfect world, this is mine. I would hope that Lance Armstrong is the kind of person who will not be tortured by crushing the sport of cycling in his early thirties. Hopefully, he will take some time to rest, get his feet under him and use the incredible talents he's been graced with to make the world a little better for everyone else.

I hope you all are well,

1 comment:

Boogie Pants Donavan said...

"Eff that, Hot is the new Hotter, you heard it here first, from JackassJimmy."
This is what I like to call the breakfast of champions- absolute truth. You are the Dali Lama of RI-
Also i am sleep deprived and a little craaaaazy
I had friends draw my ink- so the chanes of me getting something that someone else has is slim- i go to the place in RI though- thats on capital Drive- i forget the name, i just know it. WOOOORD
their work is amazing