Friday, May 27, 2005

Grind my teeth...

It's nights like this one, where I have to be up in three hours or so, that cause me to worry about shit that you can't fix from the confines of you bed, recliner, futon or whathaveyou. The nights where I lay awake and wonder if it will be alright.

If I am doing what I should be doing with my life? If I have irrevocably fucked things up and this is the best I can hope for. It's not that I feel this impending sense of doom, but the fact I'm surrounded by tons of negative shit, just make it hard for me to focus on the good things in life. That and the fact I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. Not to mention, I am one pasty, celtic boy in need of a burn.

I lay here and debate over diet slice or diet stop & shop orange. While sirens of all types bookmark the night with their vicious lullabyes. I know I spelled that wrong and I like it.

I lay here and debate why I think At The Drive In is so much better than The Mars Volta, as drafts from the outside world fake out and spin manuever my siding, insulation and tickle the bottoms of my exposed toes.

I lay here and think about whether or not I need grad school, whether or not I want grad school, & whether or not I could get into grad school. As voices of teachers past tell me how lazy and stupid I am, with a learning disability that went undiagnosed for the better part of my scholastic life.

I lay here and think that Take This To Your Grave, by Fall Out Boy is one of the best cds to come around in a long time and I don't give a shit what anybody thinks. I can enjoy whatever I want.

I lay here and wonder how long its going to take for the asshole in the essyouvee outside to go deaf from their car stereo, so loud, the base rattles my house.

I worry that once I get my shit together and move from this place where I have grown up, that I will move to where I think I want to be, with those I want to be with and for lack of anything else to do, they will feel the need to exercise the same type of wanderlust I did. I fear being alone. I fear failure. I fear republicans holding office forever.

However, none of these are things a good cd and and afternoon with a puppy couldn't fix.

1 comment:

Boogie Pants Donavan said...

awe... i love puppies- and not the 'puppies' that Belli refers to when we're in the subway in NYC
you shouldn't worry so much- it gives you wrinkles. Just say 'Fuck it" and then 'dowhatchalike' all digital underground like with a plastic nose.
as for the bass- i see you too need a gun- just not a BB one...and a vacation