Uphill both ways...

Refocus: put again into focus or focus more sharply; "refocus the image until it is very sharp"

Over the past two weeks, I have repeatedly heard my dream is going to be almost impossible to make a reality, at least in any reasonable amount of time. Needless to say, this does not make me a happy camper. As a matter of fact, it makes me down-right angry. To the point where I just want to" get screaming drunk on brown liquor, break things, kill people...myself included and just give up.

and then after about 16 hours of cool down time

I stop and think and the added relaxation helps me to remember, even though my life has been challenging at times, there has been and will continue to be success.

I think back to high school. When I was told college was not an option for me because I just didn't have what it takes. That I should be a hair dresser or truck driver. Testing in the top 2% of the country in verbal ability and I'm supposed to drive a truck?

I went to college on my schedule.

Got to college and was told I would not last the first semester, by MY ADVISER.

Graduated with honors, in my program.

Realized I was never going to be able to make the kind of life I wanted with my degree, not that I wasn't skilled or capable enough to do various jobs but the label cast upon me by those considering my degree was always going to put me on the bottom of the list of candidates. So...I returned to school.

Oh, I'm sorry, did we forget to mention there is a MATH REQUIREMENT?
*sigh* fuck

Took the math class, with an instructor who gives < a shit about her students and job and managed to earn a sparkly new F.

Took same class over, very next semester and earned and A-. Screw you lazy teacher.

Now I'm hearing there is no way I will make it into the final portion of my program unless I am rocking a 3.9 or above. I have to tell you, that F and a B- in developmental psych are not making me real happy right now.

I'm pushing middle age and have figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

Once again the higher powers are telling me no. Which means only one thing to me.

"Never...Never...Never...Give Up."

Thank you Mister Churchill, thank you.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ