under the knife...

heading into surgery again tomorrow, hopefully for the last time in a while

be it a blessing or a curse, im not nervous, never have been

if there is something that goes wrong, i don’t have to worry about it. if i were to pass away because of a mistake be it freak or otherwise, i would only grieve for my friends and family

not being able to say goodbye and right some of the wrongs ive committed during my time here would really piss me off…maybe

for there is no certainty other than energy cannot be destroyed, it just changes form

from this mortal form to something more or less magnificent

it would be comforting to me and i suppose a great many people to know whether or not we retain our conscious memories but somehow i don’t think that is part of the deal. i think as our spirit leaves our body, chemicals in our brains are releases

 and induce visions from our memories, to aid our passing, so that our last moments are not solidified in fear. i think we make peace with whatever our belief system is and we have some knowledge that everything is going to be ok.

unless you know deep down you were not a good person and then you are overcome with grief and sadness because no one wants to be an asshole nor, be remembered as one. it is my belief we all want to be remembered as good sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, good friends and at the very least a good person

to me even if one has made some really bad decisions, done things that sometimes keep them up at night, if they know they have been in the wrong, have somehow felt some sort of sadness or regret and at their core are a fundamentally good person, i think it all, as one of my favorite priests, father andrew fabian said, “it all comes out in the metaphysical wash…”

and with that, i say,

“tres domine my souls become less real

tres domine my souls become undone

tres domine my soul just won’t heal

tres domine, tres domine.”