Rewind

As I sit here listening to more great rock music, I remembered it was about this time last year I had the best and worst time in awhile. I had a decent job, not anything I would get rich at but, I could almost pay my bills. I could go to the doctor if I got sick. I go spend a little money on music, films, nights out with the occasional adult beverage or if I was so inclined, some herbal enchantment.

I remember the snow melting, almost being gone. The air was perfumed with the strong scent of springs arrival. Things felt alive more so than they had in a long, long time. Nights were warm enough for a light jacket and days you could get by with a sweater. I had been dating a great girl. She was intelligent, funny, had a great personality, was taller than me, decent taste in music and liked and accepted me for the Jackass I am. During the time we date, we spend just the right amount of time together. Went out couple of nights a week, called her to say, "hi" and all of that puppy dog and ice cream stuff. We worked together for the same company, in the same building, but due to responsibilities...were never able to talk at work. This may or may not have been a good thing.

I was very careful with her, she was very cool and I managed to let my guard down and begin to actually like her. She invited me to a party at her Uncle's house, out in the sticks. Party was really me and three of her friends. House was something out of a dream complete with jacuzzi and jaguar in the garage. Her best friend was my friend's sister. I hadn't seen her in a long time and it was cool to catch up. She had gone through some rough shit and I was glad to see she made it through ok.

After a night of drinking, laughing and bad 80's tunes everyone went home except for me and the best friend. I overheard Jaime talking about sleeping arrangements and how,"if she was lucky, I would chose to sleep with her instead of the couch." Best friend had told me Jaime was really into me earlier, and the Harp provided me with whatever liquid courage I needed. Later on, lights went out and we were in bed, together.

It was as PG-rated as it could get and I was happy with that. The last thing I wanted was for her to think I was waiting to pounce on her, that I had been biding my time and was now going in for the kill. We talked into the wee hours of the morning and then some. We holed up in bed until, the dog and best friend needed to go out. Then it was the backyard a trip to Dunkin' Donuts. Coffee and bedhead for breakfast and I would catch her occasionally staring at me doe-eyed. Things were good and the rest of the weekend was filled with more drinks, conversations, board games, movies and sleepovers.

After an entire weekend of being a perfect gentleman, I kissed her goodnight and left. I didn't remember what happiness felt like and I was loving getting reacquainted with it. Jaime made my job, Monday mornings and the Yankees all seem like things that didn't matter. I walked into work after the weekend from cloud nine and opened up my email. There was the usual corporate bs and some fwds from co-workers, and then an email from Jaime with the subject: We Need To Talk

The coffee I was drinking didn't help to alleviate the mule kick to my stomach. I stared blankly at the screen for what seemed like three days. I didn't even open the message. I walked over to her cube, waited for her to finish a call and told her I would call her when I got out. She looked nervous and relieved at the same time.

Long story short, she couldn't do this anymore. When I asked what this was, she wasn't sure but that she didn't want to go on dating. She apologized for not telling me earlier and that she was really, really sorry. She still wanted to be friends and the whole deal but she couldn't date me any more. I said I was shocked and of course it was nothing I had done. I agreed to the friendship since she hinted at being able to figure shit out and maybe have another go at it. (Which looking back was probably just keep me from blowing up/ melting down on the phone) I thanked her for her honesty or whatever and said I would see her at work.

I hung up and she never talked to me again.

She never talked, emailed or looked at me again.

She never talked to anyone I was friends with at work either.

Even though she is just another of the endless list of really cool chicks, who have totally fucked with my head & self confidence, I still miss and wish her well.

Even if she is a lunatic that missed the boat on this piece of prime real estate.