In just under...

fifteen hours, I board a plane to head back to the land of Ten Thousand Lakes. I have to admitt, I am a bit excited. The last time I was in MN, I attended the wedding of one of my best friends. Now, three years later, I am heading back and I am also attending a wedding but as a favor to a friend. I do know the bride to be...somewhat, but I wouldn't say we're friends. We're more, I don't know...commrades of work. We bonded together one summer working on the University grounds crew. A job that was akin to swimming pool maintanence in Hell. I thought I knew about humidity living on the east coast, you know...right on the ocean.

eff that.

Let me tell you the humidity and mosquitos of MN summers are fucking UNREAL. I can remember swinging a baseball bat at a mosquito and just having it shake off the blow and look at me in a very annoyed manner. NOT COOL. I also remember having to cover the bride to be in one of those astronaut blankets cause it was 190 degrees with 4000% humidty. Just in case you are wondering, heat stroke ain't pretty.

But anyhow...

As I mentioned, I am staying with a great friend of mine and his wife, (who I'm sure hates me, because the only time I talk to friend is when he is in the car going somewhere.) It's like I'm his mistress from the other side of the country, only I have a dick and don't need to shave. I may try and read the DaVinci Code on the way to MN. At least that way I have something to compare the movie to. I have to be honest, I don't expect a whole lot. I'm not sure why but I just think there is too much hype. Angels and Demons was a great book and why they didn't start there, I have no idea. What the people in Hollywood don't like money?

Am I packed? No. My house looks like the aftermath of an X-Men movie and I have the motivation of a mole. What's weird is my eyes are killing me and I haven't spent the day in front of the monitor. Maybe I am getting old. One thing I am happy about, my new license coming in before I left. I just had a feeling I was going to have a hard time getting served with my baby face and a passport. Sometimes being 33 and looking 24 is a bitch.

Last but certainly not least, I will get to spend some quality time with my Citrus Queen. Again, three years have passed and I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about seeing her. Reconnecting with people is always a good time, no matter what the nature of your relationship. I mean, unless we're talking about hooking up with Glen from accounting and then well...that's never a good time.

I'd like to maybe say some more shit here, but I'm almost out of gas. Time to slam another 15 cans of soda and get back to work. Supposedly my buddy is hooking me with a high speed connection from my room. If so, I may blog as I go and give you all the words and images as they come. Otherwise, you'll just have to wait and see.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Horseshit...

I got into a car accident tonight on the way to take my parents out for mother's day. Gratefully no one was injured including the other driver. She was young and scared and not paying attention, and though the F-1 is a high performance, military style, attack vehicle and even though I have cat-like reflexes, there was no way I was going to avoid this fucking collision.

Anyway...

I leave for the frozen tundra of MN on Tuesday.

I am so ready for vacation my ass hurts.

I might have a drink, smoke some grass, smooch a random chick. However as I just signed up for the seminary and have been straight edge for two hundred years, these things may or may not happen. Only those in the know, will be in the know.

I hope you are all better than me.

Cheers,
JJ

Fifth of May...

It's Cinco de Mayo and while some will celebrate their Mexican independance, we gringos look at it as another excuse to get drunk.

After getting out of work today, I went to celebrate with several hundred other gringos at the "Hot Club." It's one of Providence's nice weather, on the water, let's sit and have some cocktails kind of place. However on a Friday, or a day like today, everybody and their brother comes out to drink, get ass drunk and see what kind of free Corona schwag they can score. It kills me to see grown adults, some coming up on retirement pulling the, "what would you do for a Klondike bar" routine for a fucking shitty can coozy or visor. In my opinion, if your going to be a billboard for something, at least let it be a cool band or some product you believe in.

The Bru Crew was there in full effect. I was approached by a stunning red-head who was trying to convince me to mosy on over to the schwag table so I could sign up for some shit and play some games. She was nice enough and easy on the eyes, but..."bitch please, you go to an Ivy league school. The fact that you work for the coolest radio station in the state, is not even remotely enough motivation to get me to drink the promotional drink." How come you're not drinking Corona or Cuervo, she asked.

My first impulse was, "cause they were all out of gofuckyourself." Again she had only annoyed me and not insulted my manhood...so, "cause I really don't care for either was enough of a reply. She attempted the chat-up for another 30 seconds and then gave me a squeeze and reiterated how cool it would be for me to come see her at the merch table. Sure, I said in my best interested voice.

Shit started getting out of hand with the parental types partying like it was 1975. So the boss & bosses boss decided to get some grub. We headed over to Thayer to eat at Paragon where black shirts and attitude were the only things on the menu. I was denied my beloved Malibu and 7, cause my license expired 5 days ago. Apparently Paragon had gofuckyourself on tap. I had some tortellini w/ chicken and a few sodas. Bosses Boss had two friends meet us and they were cool. Dinner was good but not worth the $200.00 bill. At least I have a new date restaurant though.

After dinner we decided to go to Bosses Boss friends place cause it would have been cheaper to drink 94 octane than to keep drinking at Paragon. We got to Julie's and out came the Sirius Satellite radio and the monster, "yes, I'm grown folk and still smoke weed bong." I was tempted but having been clean for a year, it was nice to avoid the paranoia. Patrick Kennedy should use me as a role model. Conversations and ha-has were had. I met Budda, the cooler than hell dog and left after about two hours. I called W on the way home and we got some late night cafe. America may run on the Dunk but I run on espresso.

Good thing I didn't get all bajiggity tonight. As I write this I see it's 1:45 and work is in t-minus 5:15...FUCK!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. Props to Big Papi for getting back on track tonight. Thanks Chief!!!

CGN University...

this is the university I am attending. You may be enrolled as well but not even know it...yet.

In attempting to post more than twice a month, this will be a themed-post. The theme being, "Things that are just fucking crazy."

Without further ado, here they are.

Hi, I'm George W. Bush. I am the worst president ever. When I mean ever, I mean a long fuckin' time. I'm not talking like Jerry Lewis Telethon long, no sir. I'm talking longer, like I've been in office so long, no one under the age of 20 will remember the "good old days." When gas was not eleventy billion dollars a gallon and the rest of the world didn't hate us. That's how long I'm talking about. Anyway, I was just on my way to vacation, I mean "work" and just thought I would stop by this here blog and let you all know that I took a shit about this big today. God bless America, and no place else.

Thanks for stoping by George, always love to hear your excretory system is in working order. Well we kind of always know that cause anytime you speak, all that comes out of your mouth is shit. Front door or back door, either way the shit is getting out.

Next up His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI.

Thank you JackassJimmy. Good morning. I have stopped by Called Out at Home to tell you of the good news. I think you all know who I am, if not, just know that I am the head of a church/political machine that uses fear and guilt to manipulate people into living in a way that is antiquated and unrealistic.

Now for the good news. In the past, if someone had died before being baptized with the Holy Spirit, their soul did not go to Heaven. See Catholics have to be "baptized" with water and oil before they can go to Heaven. See God loves oil and water, much like George Bush, (maybe that's why he is always speaking with Georgie and not me.) and therefore, wants all of his people to be annoited with these blessed things. Those poor bastards unfortunate enough to not get baptized, well they go to limbo/purgatory to wait to see if there may be room in Heaven at a later time.

Limbo is not really a very fun place because it's filled with unborn children/children who die at birth and those stupid enough to not be baptized into the Roman Catholic faith. There is no food or music in limbo, in fact there are only broken beach chairs and math problems in limbo. I seem to be getting off track here but what I wanted to tell you is this. "I got rid of limbo. There is no more limbo." Now I know some of you may find this hard to believe, but God spoke to me and told me I could do it, so I did.

Where have all the souls of your children and loved ones gone? Let's not worry about that just yet. Let's celebrate the fact they are no long in limbo! I know some of you may be angry or overcome with grief and this is to be expected, but as Catholics, you know that nothing good ever happens to you and that it is your faith in the Unseen alone that will get you through this. Rejoice and be glad in this good news. Oh, and if you use condoms or birth control, you will burn in Hell for all eternity. Have a good day.

Thanks for those rays of sunshine your eminenance, I know I feel like hanging myself right now. Our last guest should be considered a certified lunatic. He is just rediculous and makes his living as a "magician" a financially bankrupt occupation since people believed you shouldn't bathe because the Devil would enter you via your open pores. Ladies and gentleman, how about a nice Called Out welcome for David Blaine.

"Hello, I am speaking with you using telepathy. This is necessary as I was enclosed in a water-filled sphere yesterday. While in this sphere, I am going to try and escape from some chains, while trying to hold my breath for 9 minutes. I am not a good role model and think you should keep your children away from me. I have done other great stunts like: burying myself alive for a week, encasing myself in ice for 61 hours and my personal favorite, being hanged in London for 44 days. I can't wait to get out of these chains and break that breath-holding record, cause my balls are very itchy. Hail Satan."

Ok, well thanks for that short yet informative interview. Well that seems to be all the time we have for today. Come back the next time I post something and maybe it will not be as wild and weird as this.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ


JUST ONE MINUTE JACKASS!!! I'M TANA UMAGA, FORMER CAPTAIN OF THE NEW ZEALAND ALL BLACKS RUGBY CLUB. IF YOU HAVE THE BALL, I WILL DESTROY YOU. IF I HAVE THE BALL, I WILL RUN THROUGH YOU. I LOVE DESTROYING PEOPLE AND I AM CRAZY. I ONCE TRIED TO TACKLE AN 18 WHEELER. HOWEVER ALL THAT KILLING HAS MADE ME TIRED AND AT 32 I AM LEAVING THE ALL BLACKS TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY CAUSE I AM A HELL OF A GUY. OK, I JUST WANTED TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A NICE DAY, I'M GOING TO GO RIP TREES OUT OF THE GROUND WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!!!!

Three Reasons Why...

today does not suck frog cock.

1. The Red Sox beat the fucking Yankees.
2. My Get Up Kids cd finally came in the mail.
3. Diet Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper is pretty good.


The weather is for suck, (as they say in Hungary) but you can't ask for everything at once. If you do, you are fucking greedy and should be ashamed of yourself. It's late and there is no way I should be up, but I have to do laundry so I can go to work with clean clothes tomorrow. As a result, I blog & drink more soda. Yeah, it's a terribly exciting night at Chez Jackass.

I am excited about going to work tomorrow. One of our long term guests is being transfered to another facility and that makes me happier than Michael Jackson at a nude cub scout meeting. So much weight will be lifted from my shoulders and things will be exponentially better at work, at least temporarily

laundry, soda, sleep.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ