Uphill both ways...

Refocus: put again into focus or focus more sharply; "refocus the image until it is very sharp"

Over the past two weeks, I have repeatedly heard my dream is going to be almost impossible to make a reality, at least in any reasonable amount of time. Needless to say, this does not make me a happy camper. As a matter of fact, it makes me down-right angry. To the point where I just want to" get screaming drunk on brown liquor, break things, kill people...myself included and just give up.

and then after about 16 hours of cool down time

I stop and think and the added relaxation helps me to remember, even though my life has been challenging at times, there has been and will continue to be success.

I think back to high school. When I was told college was not an option for me because I just didn't have what it takes. That I should be a hair dresser or truck driver. Testing in the top 2% of the country in verbal ability and I'm supposed to drive a truck?

I went to college on my schedule.

Got to college and was told I would not last the first semester, by MY ADVISER.

Graduated with honors, in my program.

Realized I was never going to be able to make the kind of life I wanted with my degree, not that I wasn't skilled or capable enough to do various jobs but the label cast upon me by those considering my degree was always going to put me on the bottom of the list of candidates. So...I returned to school.

Oh, I'm sorry, did we forget to mention there is a MATH REQUIREMENT?
*sigh* fuck

Took the math class, with an instructor who gives < a shit about her students and job and managed to earn a sparkly new F.

Took same class over, very next semester and earned and A-. Screw you lazy teacher.

Now I'm hearing there is no way I will make it into the final portion of my program unless I am rocking a 3.9 or above. I have to tell you, that F and a B- in developmental psych are not making me real happy right now.

I'm pushing middle age and have figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

Once again the higher powers are telling me no. Which means only one thing to me.

"Never...Never...Never...Give Up."

Thank you Mister Churchill, thank you.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Ten AmonaThursday

I mentioned not knowing much about anything in my last post and I still hold to that belief.
However, like Will Smith, my work ethic is bananas and more than likely, you will not out work me.

That being said, again I am at a crossroads in my life.
Minor variations in time and space
Major variations in time and money
Monjor variations of the voices in my head

Which, for the record, have been quieter of late

but...

the self-doubt is creeping back, double time
and to make matters worse
there is not a whole lot of
creativity time to offset
the bookwork and concern...a.k.a.
worry
about money, career, stability

what is love?
baby don't hurt me...

refocus...refocus...refocus...refocus

It's all over...

the one thing that remains constant in my life is, the fact that the more I think I have things figured out, the less this is actually true. figured I would come back here and throw down for a while and the whole damn thing has changed, wtf-EVER. ironically enough, I'm sort of at a loss for words at this point in my life. I finally slew my math giant I mean I really kicked the shit and $4 out of him I got an A- ...never done that before at least in math and now... I am getting my ass beaten like I stole the king's gold by words something I've not had a problemo with before in my life EVER See, cause from a real young age, I learned to read real good and that translated into me being a lover of books and words comprehension and all that other shit that lets "smart people" know, 'your head is for more than keeping your hat off the floor.' and so Im torn, between not quitting the class I am in or sticking with it until the end and almost certainly earn an F ... effed if I do effed if I don't somehow I gotta get off this rock. I hope you all are well. JJ