Damn...

its been almost a year since my last post.

the year where my body and heavy metal tried to do me in
one last time
no encores
no reprieve
i penned my own chapter in my book of souls

i get really low sometimes and thats ok
its become even more ok, the more laps this rock does around the sun
people are waking up about mental illness and how it affects everyone, in one way or another
so far my default has been to not focus on how low i can go
it gets scary sometimes and I would be lying if I said I never think about
checking out, at least one time or another

Im sure it will come up for my consideration again, who knows?

what i do know is i have a bunch of pills i take twice a day that for better or worse
keep me on the fairly righteous path
though not without cost to the parts of me i enjoy the most
the creativity suffers
the logical and linear thinking ceases to exhist
normal sleep patterns act like they were never really a thing
and that would be ok
except
i have memories of all these things
some good, some not so good

at least a few times a week
i have the vivid memory of being the architect of my own demise
that shit was both exhilerating and terrifying all at once
even more interesting is the one who was there for me
when no one else was
i no longer talk to
its an unfortunate
but necessary circumstance & regret

they like it  better that way
and i understand
i just hope its understood
i was lost during that period in my life
probably moreso than ever before
and none of my actions were born of
intent to hurt or injure or out of
pure selfishness
they were just the markings left
by a wander in this wasteland called
life
no direction
just keeping one foot in front of the other

always forward.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ