Calm Before the Storm...

Again I got forced into night shift at the Agency cause someone has something to do or some bullshit like that. With a little luck, I won't have a night like last Tuesday night. I'm not really in the mood to have to go into work on my weekend for a discussion of ethics, tactics, statistics or anything ending in "ics." Eff that.

In other news...

Dreams are a bitch. I was sleeping the good sleep, minding my own business, when for once I started having a good dream. I was young(er) and for whatever reason I was a comedian. I was closing out a, "New Comedians or Young Comedians" special for HBO and the crowd was eating my stuff up. I remember being on stage and my jokes were killing like breakfast at McDonald's. It was odd for many reasons. First and foremost, I don't usually remember my dreams and if I do, they're almost never pleasant, and never the NC-17 kind. Second, I was experiencing the same feeling of euphoria I used to get after finishing up a 2 week run of a play. This Jackass has done his fare share of partying but there is nothing that beats a standing ovation. C) Yeah.

So...when I woke up and crashed harder into reality than R. Kelly into a girl scout camp, I was somewhat disappointed to find I was still going to have to report to work at the Agency.

Mornings are rough enough for me without having to deal with the agony of defeat, ie.. having somewhat of a Joe Job.

I woke up, hit the pissatorium, took my meds and vit-a-mins(as those wacky brits say) and had several glasses of water, as dehydration is a constant problem.

You know, you never realize how hungry you truly are until you open your fridge and the only things in there are Arm & Hammer Baking Soda and Danny Bonnaduce. Christ! Now not only did I have to go and get dressed, but go to the corner bodega as well and we all know how much I love that!

Cheers,
JJ

Colin Quinn rocks...

I'll keep it short cause for whatever reason, I'm tired like I got beat with a bag of rocks. Werk as our germanic friends call it was not spectacular this weekend. There were no killings are stabbings or riots or gunfights but then again, I was on "special assignment" so I had my hands full.

Today, The W and I, went to CompUSA to price out some gear for my new rig. I am retiring this piece of shit as soon as the new kid is up and running. I must confess, the thought of being able to have the internet and another application running at the same time is very exciting. I may even do something nutty, like buy a $400 video card....who knows?

Ken Jennings, the guy who won like eleventy-billion dollars on Jeopardy, looks like a fucking alien. I swear I saw his face on the front of an Alienware computer. I was worried that CompUSA was going to be geekcentral today, but oddly enough...the cupboard was bare. They were probably finishing up their week long pilgrimage to SW III: Revenge of the Sith.

The neighbors are really fucking loud tonight. It's going on 11 and I can hear them partying like it's 1978. Little do they know, they're really fucking evicted.

Time to put the trash on the street and get horizontal. I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Carbs Rule...

On a search for low-carb bread I ran into an old friend today. Apparently Sampson works at the local Stop & Shop I frequent 3-4 times weekly. He came up on me all ninja-style but since we have been boys since Dick Clark was in nursery school, I saw his ass in time to get an elbow ready. I'm glad to hear he is doing well. Like most people, he had a really hard time with the passing of his mother and took the following 3 years to flip the fuck out.

Now, after having several girlfriends, who may or may not have been good for him, after managing to pull himself out of the basement which everyone knew was his sanctuary, his citadel, his rock in whom he trusted, he has migrated from the nether regions of South Providence, to a fairly nice neck o' the woods in Cranston. To be honest, I'm a little jealous as I heard a gun battle going on a few streets over from me this afternoon.

Sampson says his new girlfriend, Delilah, is good for him and that even though he misses the security of the basement, things are better. His dad is moving to VA to start over and for Mr. Sampson to start over at his age, well that's just fucking courageous and , I applaud him. I have to admire a guy who is throwing his hat back in the ring at 60-something, when I have yet to put my hat in the ring and not have it get stomped on....yeah.

We got caught up on old times, even older people, (who may or may not have changed) and of course there was the compulsory video game conversation. As good as the Xbox 360 looks...we're sure the Playstation 3 is going to beat the shit and $4 out of it. Who cares that it's not coming out until 2006? That will give me plenty of time to save up for the $500.00 MSRP. Yeah, I said, "FUCK THAT!!!!" too. For that kind of money, I can build a decent computer and play Yahoo! scrabble.

This weekend I picked up cds by: The Flaming Lips, Porcupine Tree, Interpol and The Music.

I know that comes off like a baller, but seriously I have been eating nothing but tuna....cause it's cheap...like me.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Today is my Tuesday, and for a Tuesday, it wasn't all that bad. Sorry, BPD no knife-fights or getting balled out by El Capitan. Maybe next week will be better.
Cheers,
JJ

P.S. Low carb bread sucks more cock than A-Rod.

I love Donkey Konga

Sometimes, even in the life of a secret agent, life becomes ho-hum and there is just not to much to say. Such has been my life for the past two days.

The word for Tuesday night was underestimation. I went to work at the Agency thinking I was going to have a quiet night before my weekend. Of course, my night was anything but quiet. Work bordered on a near riot and I ended up battling with one guest physically and otherwise for the better part of 3 hours. Yeah...that as they say in the business, "is bullshits." That left me with just enough strength left over to finish the required paperwork with 5 minutes to spare. Not a big deal. I figured I would go and catch a midnight movie...except there are no midnight movies, unless it is a weekend or George Lucas is fucking millions of people in the ass.

So I went home, did some yoga, took a recockulously long shower and fell asleep with my imaginary girlfriend.

A mere 7 hours later my cellphone rang...of course it was work...of course I was obligated to pick it up.

JackassJimmy: UrnGHmphhh?

El Capitan: Jim, I need you to come in for awhile. We need to talk about what went down last night.

JJ: mmmrmmph grrarh garblefruck "DAYOFF!"

El Capitan: Yeah, I know but there was some problems with protocol and we need to go over it.

JJ: rackinfrackinwhutduhKIDDING ME?!?!?!

El Capitan: See you in 30 minutes.

JJ: *Throwing phone across room* GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got up, put on last nights boxers and the most fucked up outfit I could find (flip-flops, black jean shorts and a hulk-a-mania t-shirt) which I was planning on ripping off at said meeting. Long story short, everything I did was wrong and would have been so even if Christ Himself had said it was ok. So, I ate my huge bowl of, "shame banquet" and asked if I could enjoy what was left of my weekend. By a power unknown to me, I was able to leave.

These are the things that make me wish I had a normal job, with normal weekends, a normal retirement plan, a normal salary and a normal life. However the days where I go to work and don't have to be a ninja and can actually do some good for my common man, those make it all worth it...I think.

Other then that things I have observed and wonder about:

1. Why is it when I am so hungry I would eat a box of broken assholes or I am late for work or a combination of the aforementioned, my food purchases at the corner bodega are delayed by some jackhole trying to figure out which lottery #'s or scratch ticket is the luckiest. Even better still is the pillar of society who holds me up cause they are debating over what flavor of blunt wrapper would be best for breakfast. *SIGH*

"IT'S DINGLEBERRY ASSHOLE, NOW CAN YOU PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY SO THE REST OF THE WORLD CAN BE PRODUCTIVE?"

2. The Deer Hunter: a great film or at least all 7 and a half minutes I have seen of it. Maybe if it was on at some other time besides 2:30am I would be able to see some scenes other than DeNiro and co's last day at the lava factory (or wherever it was they fucking worked) and Christopher Walken getting slapped like a bitch in Southeast Asia. When a movie starts that late and is over 3 hours long, people need to realize unless someone is unemployed, that is a movie no one will finish.

I suppose I could rent or buy it but then I wouldn't have a reason to bitch.

3. Dave Matthew's Magic Brownie Ice Cream: Hi, my name is Dave Matthew's and when I'm not busy dumping shit all over people trying to enjoy a nice boat ride, on their hard-earned vacations, I am donating all of the profits from my over-priced ice cream to prevention of global warming...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH Boy! That's great Dave, you're the best. Too bad the hole in ozone is bigger than the chip on Dick Cheney's shoulder. I have an idea Dave. Instead of "donating" all of the profit to "the ozone layer" why don't you kick me a few hundred bucks so I can afford an air conditioner and not have to suffer through 4 months of dehydration during the lovely New England Summer. I know it gets hot on stage Dave, but some of us have jobs where we have to do shit other than wiggle our feet and talk about how much we love to smoke weed.

Enjoy your summer Dave, you granola-hottie fuckin' capitalist in disguise. Say, "Hi" to Hootie for me.

Cheers,
JJ

Friday Night...

So after work I went to the movies with co-workers. We saw, "The Amityville Horror," with Ryan Reynolds and some other fucking people in it. Overall I gave it two thumbs up the butt but there were times I jumped. Other than that, standard run of the mill, bs, horror-flick. The Mexican and the Belgian Bomb jumped all the way through, though they never felt the need to latch onto my arm.

After the movie we went to Joe's American Bar & Grill, where the food is over-priced and shitaaay and the wait is rediculous. There were people in Limbo who were seated before us. So yeah substandard philly cheesesteak pizza and who knows what a guy has to do to get a refill on the DC? Paid bill and left negatory comments on slip. Server came back with new slip, sans negative comments and says she was really sorry about the wait. Normally, a bitch move like that would have really pissed me off but in today's economy, I fault only the rich.

Walking back through mall we spotted the lead singer and bass player from Papa Roach. Through the magic of MTV you would never realize they are 5 feet tall and 400 lbs. respectively. I watched as the frontman oggled anything female, regaurdless of age, while bass dude rooted through one of the 40 warehouse-sized bags from Newbury Comics....yeah fuck those guys.

More people watching @ Ben & Jerry's...the Coconut Fudge Chip was an excellent choice! We then cruised over to the East Side to hit up The Liquid Lounge. I actually have pictures from that part of the night but due to the fact I am whiter than a snowball's ass, I am refraining on posting them. As a matter of fact, because of my pasty, Celtic skin, I decided today was go home and read in the sun with your shirt off day. I'll probably wake with a 3rd degree burn but having skin that would make baby powder say, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!" is just not high on my list of priorities. The ladies hate that.

Reading the shittiest book ever, more on that later. For now throw on some tunes and rock out with your cock out or for the ladies in the house.....I'm still struggling for something cool here.

Cheers,
JJ

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Today was one of those days I knew was coming, I was waiting ready for, and once again I learned you can never be to prepared. Things on H-Unit were unstable at best for most of the day. With a half hour left in the shift, the shit hit the fan and of course, yours truly was called upon to drop the hammer.

One of the guests decided he didn’t like his accommodations so he was going to make everyone he lives with, as well as his staff miserable. Which was not a good decision but still he was left to rant and stew until he reached his boiling point. After a hand was broken and most of H-Unit decided they needed back-up, only then do they decide to be proactive. Being point person on J-Unit today, I was not able to be first person in, so I delegated my #2 ( a great agent ) to go. Ten minutes later, I see an agent from H-Unit come through the doors with a broken hand, out of breath, stuttering about my agent being in trouble.

Now I’m not a small guy by any means, but when my people are in trouble, I can move. I was in a full sprint when I burst through the doors of H-Unit and assessed the situation. I saw #2 and an agent I had never worked with before. #2 was correctly isolating the guest from the rest of the living quarters while the unknown soldier, it seemed was preparing for battle. I find it much easier to talk to guests and try and calm than down rather than go mano a mano with them. I hate getting sweaty at work but realize sometimes it’s a necessity. “You can go easy or hard,” #2 said as we prepared to “escort” the unhappy guest to “the hole.” I made my presence known to the guest to make a show of support for #2 & the unknown, and to let him know we we’re not fucking around.

“You can go fuck yourself tough-guy, “ was the response I got to, “Hey man what’s going on, how can I help you out?” When guests are past their boiling point, they shut down and talk is pointless. “I’m gonna ask one more time, man are you gonna go to the hole or are we taking you?” The guest sized up #2, the unknown and myself and knew he was out gunned. “Okay, I’ll walk you fucking asshole.” escaped what I should have know to be a dangerous and telling grin. I walked to open the hole as #2 & unknown escorted him. As I turned my head to open the door, I caught a faint glimmer of metal and tensed like a high-wire. The guest pulled a shiv from his pants and was going to slash #2.

In situations like this…fuck protocol. No one should have to spend their Friday night in the emergency room. Like lightning I threw a kick to the knee, dropping Mr. guest to the floor useless. Immediately I was on top of the shiv and wrestling it from a death grip, #2 & unknown still unaware of what was going on. Guest caught my nose with several quick blows, making my eyes tear up and effectively blinding me. #2 restrained his arms as unknown grabbed his legs and hospital carried his ass into the hole. Needless to say, Mr. Guest was not happy with the outcome of events. Then again neither was I. #2 and unknown escaped with no injury and peace had been restored to the kingdom.

I know I will not be able to escape reprimand for assaulting a guest but the safety of my people comes first…always.

And so ended yet another Sunday at work. It’s days like these when taking the long way home and stopping @ 7-11 for that double gulp of Crystal Light, I really can stop and appreciate my co-workers, friendship and just waking every morning. Ok, enough with the syrupy shit…I know.

Disturbed...

Kevin Bacon does a phenomenal job in, "The Woodsman."

So it was brought to my attention I needed to update my blog today. I know I promised great and wondrous things over the weekend, however one can never predict how crazy things are going to be on J-Unit. Work has been busy and because of this, I have not had time to see exactly why my computer is performing like a fat kid doing the mile run. It could be that my computer has been listening to Disturbed and is now, "down with the sickness" or it's probably just a case of, "Hi, I'm old and you ask to much of me....please take me out to pasture and kill me."

Now, I'm sure you all thought that I was going to stop with that lame update of, "hey I haven't been blogging cause my fuckin' computers on the fritz." Good news folks, I actually have something good for yo' asses. I will now give you my thoughts on Kevin Bacon's latest film, "The Woodsman."

Let me start by saying I have never been a particularly big Kevin Bacon fan. I believe a lot of this comes from the fact he often plays the characters that are just so hard to like and in some cases, are impossible to like. The Woodsman, is a story about Walter, a child molester (Bacon) being released back into the community as a registered sex offender and his struggles with reintergreation. Bacon is supported by Kyra Sedgewick, Benjamin Bratt, Eve, David Allan Grier and Mos Def, who plays Bacon's nemesis, Sgt. Lucas. Def does a wonderful job of playing the heavy hand of the law just waiting for Walter to screw up again.

Walter is haunted by his past. He lost all of his friends family and what little life he had before what is alluded to be a rough time in prison. Ironically enough, the only landlord in town that will take Walter's money has a first-floor apartment with a view of the elementary school across the street. Yeah, and the hits just keep on coming.

The Woodsman is a dark and rough ride. Part of me wanted redemption, part of me wanted retribution but in the end I was satisfied by the fact that this was a film that made me think about the many facets of people, problems and perceptions. I would recommend this film however not in the presence of small children or if you are in a bad mood.

Again my hat's off to Bacon for dragging the blood and guts out of me. Not since his portrayal of Sean Nokes in Sleepers have I been in such a love hate relationship with a character.

Coming Attractions...

Things to look forward to this weekend at Called Out at Home:

Why the hell was I up at 4am today?

My review of fruit-flavored Pedialyte Oral Electrolyte Maintanance Solution

The Impossibility of Mother's Day

Gas Stations: What's the point of them closing?

Maybe another review about some fucking movie I may or may not go see.

That's all for right now. I hope you all are well. I am going to work...wish me luck.

Cheers,
JJ

Leave it to...

Bill O'Reilly is a fucking jerk.

some right-wing blowhard to discredit and demonize a teenager championing women's rights and free speech. Bill O'Reilly is a fucking jerk, plain and simple. I happened to be enjoying dinner with friends last night. After dinner we sat on the floor and played with the chill'uns as parents often do. Ross flipped through the channels while I dodged right hooks and crosses from #1 and tickled the daylights out of #2. Not a fan of right-wing, ignorant, hate-speech or anyone who talks for the sake of hearing themselves, Bill O'Reilly wouldn't have been my first choice of programming.

However...

He was talking about a sleepy, little town in southeastern, MN. A town called Winona. The town where I spent some of the best years of my life. I was interested to find out what could have possibly put Winona, MN in the news, on The O'Reilly Factor no less. Within 30 seconds it was crystal clear to me, someone said, "vagina."

Yes, yes I know you are all gasping in horror but it is true. Not only did someone say, "vagina" but several female students @ Winona Senior High School actually had the audacity to wear buttons stating they, "loved their vagina." Will the evil never cease?!?!

Mr. O'Reilly was trying to impress upon the nation that there needs to be standards for behavior in schools today. I have no problem with this. I am not an anarchist who thinks there should be no homework, rules or check and balances for students who may need discipline. I am someone who does support: free speech, human rights and the right to assemble and protest. Which is exactly what WSHS student Carrie Rethlefsen did.

Rethlefsen wore a button and t-shirt with a logo reading, "I heart my vagina." Not, "I like your vagina." Not, "I like to touch my vagina." Nothing distasteful, out of the ordinary or suggestive was printed on the t-shirts and buttons. Mr O'Reilly felt this was one of those things people could just not stand for. He mentioned his, "many years as a teacher in Florida" to try and give weight to his argument but when it all comes down to it, he was arguing against women's rights.

After recently seeing the play, The Vagina Monologues, Carrie Rethlefsen and some fellow students were sporting the, "I heart my vagina" t's and buttons in protest of violence against women. A group of girls, all wearing the shirts assembled at WSHS and symbolically turned the shirts inside out as a sign of solidarity before entering school. Rethlefsen, was told she could no longer wear her shirt or button to school and she was fine with this edict.

What I find so funny about all of this is that in the article I read from the Winona Daily News, students were holding signs stating, "We respect authority." The school principal also commented on how pleased she was over how smoothly this protest went down. We should be so lucky that some of young America broke the shackles of apathy and took a stand and used their voice for a change. I don't know about anyone else but to protest in such a positive and non-threatening manner, for such an important cause, is a breath of fresh air in my book.

These kids and those all across America could be doing much worse. Leave it to someone as egotistical and self-righteous as Bill O'Reilly to pontificate on what free speech, women's rights and the American way should be. The kids are alright...maybe Bill needs to stick to what he
s good at, sounding like an ass, phone-sex with interns and making those of us who pay attention mad enough to sit down and call him on his bullshit.

"Hey everyone! I can lie and talk shit to you using only my bottom lip and one eyebrow!!!"

"Blah...blah...blah...I'm a dirty fucking liar."

On the job...

Things at the Agency have been a bit tense as of late. The rest of the facility has been off the hook and in and out of lock down for the better part of two weeks. Fortunately, J-Unit has been quiet but not without problems. It’s just a matter of time before we have a meltdown of our own. The key words being, “of our own.” J and H Units are self-contained and house the most acute and violent guests in the facility. When the shit goes down on other units, often they call for back up from those units who can spare an agent or two. J & H never go as it would put the guests at risk, as well as our fellow agents.

With the weather becoming nicer by the day, guests are spending more time out in the yard walking around, playing ball and exercising. Like normal people spring tends to put a little extra pep in their step. When inside frustrations are high and tempers run short. It’s times like these an agent gets a little “itchy” as we say in the business. It’s imperative we’re all on top of our game when things get hairy. If not, people get hurt or sometimes worse. So you watch their behaviors, their recreation time, their free time. You take notice the guests are spending a little more time in their pods, sneaking workouts when they can. The bouncing of the legs, the tapping of the fingers, the clenching of the fists. You notice that conversations tend to be a little more heated and shorter. That looks are a little more intense and harder. That relations are strained at best.

As an agent, you notice these things and even seasoned veterans get nervous. So what does this mean? It means a few less cheeseburgers, a few more minutes on the treadmill, a few more minutes on the heavy bag and a few more bench presses. When it all comes down to it, none of us like laying the smack down on the guests, (and this is the God’s honest truth) but in a situation where someone decides to make a bad choice, we’re not letting one another get hurt or worse, when we’re all just trying to pay the bills. At the beginning and end of the day, we’re all in it to keep people safe and better the world we all live in.

This post is dedicated to Detective Sgt. James Allen, PPD, may he rest in peace.

It's fucking 4am...

and I'm still up. I believe I am developing some form of, "day off insomnia". Something about working at the Agency being so stressful, that I need to stay up for two days to make sure I have enough fun to relax. Geez, when the hell did it come to this?

Tonight I took my evening meal in the close but comfortable quarters of the F1. I drove out to A&W and consumed my first wieners and diet root beer of the season. Oddly enough getting a root beer on tap does make a difference much like the difference from bottled and tap beer. Though my root beer was diet, the flavor seemed to have a little more sweetness and snap than Diet A&W in bottles and cans. Now you are all probably saying, "Yeah that's great dude...who gives a shit?" Well for those of us that can't drink regular soda for whatever reason, getting a decent diet alternative is a refreshing change.

I found it somewhat ironic that as I was eating some of the most nutritionally barren food I was also contemplating making changes in my life. I'm not talking by a Corvette cause my penis doesn't work anymore type changes, more like, "Hey, maybe I'll drink some water today and maybe not drink 45 gallons of diet soda." Things of that nature. I am even considering going back to being straight-edge. This may shock some of you, to others it may not be that much of a surprise. I just don't feel the need for certain things in my life any more and as I am a person who has a problem with moderation, it has to be an, "all or nothing" kind of change for me.

Today was warm for April. The temperature hovered near the 80 degree mark. I got scared that I don't have enough shorts to wear. Technically I do, but they are not comfortable enough to wear to work. Looks like I am going shopping tomorrow for shorts, shades and some other shit I ran out of.

Until then,
Slainte!

It's officially Iced...

Coffee season. Today, the temperature approached an unseasonably warm 80 degrees. I was glad it was my day off. The Agency administration has not given individual units the go-ahead for air conditioning use yet. Needless to say, days on the unit are somewhat warm.

On my way in to a staff meeting, I stopped and picked up iced coffee for myself and the other agents. In case you were wondering about the chocolate-covered strawberry latte from Dunkin' Donuts...forget about it. It's just too much of a weird combination with the chocolate & the strawberry and the coffee. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

As I walked from my car to the store, I ran into an old acquaintance, a crooked cop who got busted for selling drugs. We exchanged pleasantries like always, and I shook my head as I walked into java heaven. Somethings never change.

I'm officially pulling my 6-disc, in-dash cd player out of my car. As soon as it gives back two of my cds. Their stuck in there and I'm not sure how to go about getting them out. Any hints?

That's about it. It's hot. I'm hot and more clothes need to be removed. Comment, drop me an email, call me.

Peace & Grease

As of late....

I find my time on the interweb to be somewhat frustrating. As limitless as your queries can be and as close as it bring us together, we are still a million miles away.

The one I write for knows who I'm talking about. *hugz* JackassJimmy is still waiting for the people at the lottery to call him back because the private jet company needs payment by Friday.

In other news...

Days at the Agency have been seasoned somewhat with unrest. While I have not had to disarm or take anyone down recently, there is a feeling in the air which makes me uneasy. Maybe it's to much Phil Collins, I mean is there such a thing?

32 doesn't feel a whole lot older than 31. However the fact that there was not even the remote possibilities of naked ladies, twenty-something women or getting arrested were not in the cards for my birthday, kind of made me sad. In many ways I long to be back in that sleepy little Minnesotan town, where the beers were cheap, the drinks were cheaper and life moved at a much slower pace. Whoever set the pace for the East Coast should be killed. We're a society of caffeine and other substance-fueled zombies, concerned with deadlines, shift-changes and all things relating to Big Brother, the almighty dollar and Britney Spears.

Sometimes though when the low roar of people driving past my house at 5am to get to work wakes me, it saddens me and it makes it hard to get out of bed. We were not put on this Earth to live like this. Somewhere along the way, things got very, very fucked up.

Namaste!

Man, Old Bill....

forgot about the Ides of April, cause the freaks are in full effect tonight!

Like the master procrastinator, I was all up in the post office circa 8:00 tonight to mail my taxes. Like most other last minute Tom, Dick and Harriets, I was somewhat frazzled on my way in but for the first time since God was a boy, they had the line on lockdown and that shit was organized! There lines were roped off, like in the bank and there was some postal dude walking around doing a pre-flight check, "Do you need confirmation of delivery, Stamps, help filling out your address?" For people who just can't keep it together, this dude was straight up helpful. It made me happy to see that it was not like Wrestlemania in the PO.

I stepped into line, waited 2 minutes and then to the counter. But before I could do that...two frat-cap wearing mother-fuckers had the nerve to talk about, "Dude must be gay, his letters wreak of cologne..." I was gonna let it slide but why, always engage when you can humiliate or educate. "What if I am gay?" I said as I turned around. Bro-dudes 1&2 instantly shit their pants as I stared them down. They were taller than me (not anything to brag about) and in all probability, would have taken me had a donnybrook ensued. "Uh...uh...that's cool dude" the bigger of the two stammered. Fucking gutless, not so much as a fuck you back from two guys who had a decade's worth of youth and stamina on me. I should have slapped them both across the face on principle.

I stepped to the counter, posted my taxes and a package for the dazed and bedazzling one, (that did not reek of cologne you fuckin' dummies) and was on my way. On my way back to my car, which I expertly parallel parked, (that never happens) a freakishly big man stepped in my way. "Hey man, you got ten bucks? I need some stamps." He didn't look homeless, drunk/strung out or anything like that. He was pushing Andre the Giant status though. I was all, "how many stamps do you need?" "Two" he said. I pulled out a book of stamps from the pocket of my hoodie, "Here you go man, you can keep the rest." He was pissed. I sized up the amount of damage a shot to the baby-makers and an elbow to the nose would do...I was in trouble. "Come on man...I want to buy stamps and have like 8 bucks left over for beer." I was pissed and all of a sudden foolishly courageous, "you're a fucking idiot" I said as I side-stepped the man-mountain and walked away.

He must have been stunned by my response, because he didn't give chase.

I got home and decided to see how long it would take for me to walk to work. So I did. Twenty minutes total and that's walking at not to strenuous of a pace. Fuck you $5.00 a gallon George! This patriot is walking to work and you can eat my ass!

I walked into my house to find Red Sox Nation in need of a few runs to defeat the Evil Empire yet again. Jason Varitek isn't captain for nothing. Although to the genius fan who took a swing at Gary Sheffield, besides him being one of the biggest and angriest Yankees, having millions of dollars to sue your ass, why would you try to punch him in the face? I hate the Yankees, but GS is a professional.

That's all I got.

Peace out yo!

Exodus

I'm back. I don't have much more to say than that. There will be no apologies or any acts of contrition. There were situations and events in and out of my control, that may or may not have contributed to my lack of postage.

That having been said, it's good to be back. The occassional trip to the other side of the universe is good but you have to make sure you take time to pack. I was a bit hasty, this was bad.

In other news...

The sun has decided to come around again. It's been nice looking out on cloudless blue skies, even though its never been above 45.

Picked up some new cds the other day: Bad Religion's Empire Strikes First, Hum's Electra2000 & Less than Jake's: Borders and Boundaries. I have to say I am happy with all of them. All were solid choices and I have been rocking out since purchasing them.

I also received a very nice package via the post. I opened the envelope and cds, paradise vacations, fulfilled wishes & dreams that filled the air spilled onto the table. It was a good day to be a Jackass.

I'll be around more. To the people who read me for the first time before I checked out for awhile, mea culpa. It will never happen again.

No apologies, no promises, no regrets...

Jackass

Wee Hoo!!!

I'm about 9 hours away from drug-fueled insanity. Wish me luck!

Normally...

I wouldn't complain about the girl behind the counter adding a shot of espresso to my iced coffee, but it is 12:30am, I am in the drive-thru and it's fucking pouring out. So, as a result I may be up awhile...we shall see.

Went down and visited with the parental units last night. They took me out for dinner in celebration of my 2nd, thirtieth birthday. We had a good time. It's always somewhat bizarre to get tanked with mom & dad but it never gets out of hand. Ok, that's not true, it gets out of hand if it's a holiday and we're home. In that case my dad throws caution to the wind.

and thus I learned where I get my tolerance and reckless abandon when drinking...

in case anyone was wondering, "What do I have to do" by Stabbing Westward, gets my vote for, "best desperate, broken-hearted, alterna-metal jam of the 90's".

It's friday and I have a huge weekend planned.

Later on tonight is drinking with co-workers and JackassJoe and JackassJen (brother & his girlfriend)

Tomorrow, I am partying my ass off at 5-2-9. It's an, "Alice in Wonderland" party and I have heard from a reliable source, I will be able to party my ass off with diet soda and mushrooms....it doesn't get much better than that.

Well maybe if there were free boxes of $50 bills and hot scots-irish chicks, but a guy cant be greedy.

I got my hair cut today. I look like a fucking marine. *sigh* I need a normal sized head.

Time for bed. There should be periodic updates through the weekend depending on how fucked up I am.

I'm not making any promises.

I'm Jackass Jimmy and I endorse this post, beeyotches!

Anos

Today was my birthday.

I managed to ignore it for most of the day. Some people at work had a cake and we took a short break from our secret agent duties to remind each other we're still human. It was weird celebrating my birth, when all I wanted to do was forget.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have a death wish or anything, I just kinda wanted to go to work and have Monday be Monday and not my Monday, my birthday. However I made it through the day with no lasting scars. This is a good thing.

I received cards and well-wishes from all those important to me. my brother even called which shocked the shit out of me. Apparently we are going out for drinks tomorrow night.

not one goddamned friend of mine from college called, email, txt msgd, snail mailed or so much as waved at me today. Thus my post work birthday ritual of a meal, and then shopping at Target.

Snow Patrol, Rise Against and Atticus /Dragging Lake v3.

I was informed I need to get out more. That I should go out and meet women my own age. I was told I would soon be going to a local martini bar and that I should dry clean a suit if need be. I don't have a stock portfolio. I don't even have a retirement plan. I don't drink martini's, in fact I think I am addicted to diet orange slice. I find most women in their 30's depressing, though there are exceptions. I know I am no prize but still. I'd rather die laughing with a tattooed, PBR-swilling twenty-something than curl up on a couch and watch 5 minutes of Sex in the City.

If I was a flavor of ice cream right now, I'd be bitter-bitter boy.

Perhaps it's the pulled-pork I ate talking. We all know how swine likes to jump into our souls and take over.

another year over and one foot further in the grave.

R.I.P. PJP II

Less Than Jake Rocks.