Damn...

its been almost a year since my last post.

the year where my body and heavy metal tried to do me in
one last time
no encores
no reprieve
i penned my own chapter in my book of souls

i get really low sometimes and thats ok
its become even more ok, the more laps this rock does around the sun
people are waking up about mental illness and how it affects everyone, in one way or another
so far my default has been to not focus on how low i can go
it gets scary sometimes and I would be lying if I said I never think about
checking out, at least one time or another

Im sure it will come up for my consideration again, who knows?

what i do know is i have a bunch of pills i take twice a day that for better or worse
keep me on the fairly righteous path
though not without cost to the parts of me i enjoy the most
the creativity suffers
the logical and linear thinking ceases to exhist
normal sleep patterns act like they were never really a thing
and that would be ok
except
i have memories of all these things
some good, some not so good

at least a few times a week
i have the vivid memory of being the architect of my own demise
that shit was both exhilerating and terrifying all at once
even more interesting is the one who was there for me
when no one else was
i no longer talk to
its an unfortunate
but necessary circumstance & regret

they like it  better that way
and i understand
i just hope its understood
i was lost during that period in my life
probably moreso than ever before
and none of my actions were born of
intent to hurt or injure or out of
pure selfishness
they were just the markings left
by a wander in this wasteland called
life
no direction
just keeping one foot in front of the other

always forward.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

This has been an especially rough summer, especially in the music world.

We lost some greats.

Chris Cornell, an original godfather of grunge and one of the most amazing vocal ranges.
Chester Bennington, whether you liked Linkin Park or not, dude could sing and seemed like a genuinely nice, albeit depressed guy.

The most recent casualty, Tom Motherfuckin' Petty. a total shoe-in for the Rock N' Roll HOF.

One of the saddest things is the first two artists took their own lives. There will be those who speak ill of them. They will say they had everything, the world on a string. While that may appear to be true, something was not right in their own private Idahos.

See, sometimes shit goes sideways or, if you're from across the pond, pear-shaped. I've always wondered what the origin of that saying was, because what the hell is wrong with the shape of a pear? Why should it be linked to things going epically wrong? Something like that could give fat-bottomed girls and lard-ass boys a complex.

In reality, we only see the artists public persona and that may or may not truly be who they are. It must be terribly exhausting to have to be, "ON" all the time to please everyone, fans included. I was spotifying some metal today. Linkin Park's, "One Step Closer" came on. The lyrics jumped out at me. Chester could have been hurting his whole career and no one ever noticed. "Cause I'm one step closer and I'm about to break..." doesn't get much clearer then that. Was it coincidence that Chris Cornell and Chester were friends, probably not but, I hate to think one suicide contributed to the other. Either way, they will now shine brighter than when they were with us.

This, of course, includes Tom Petty. Full screen this bad Larry and enjoy!

I know this is not a huge favorite of old-school fans but, it might be my favorite Tom Petty song. Maybe ten years ago, my brother got Tom Petty tickets for my birthday. While my taste in music has always been varied, Tom Petty was never an artist I felt like I HAD TO SEE. I put on the surprised and excited face but inside, all I could think was, "Tom Petty...really? What am I 50 years old?" The concert was two months away which was plenty of time for me to forget about it. When the Saturday came around I was considering faking an ass-ache but, I felt bad my brother shelled out some decent cash for the tickets. Reluctantly, I went.

It was my brother, sister in law and I. We did minor tail-gating, beer, and chips beforehand. Not even a buzz walking in, which was fine by me cause it was hot and humid and that would pretty much guarantee a headache. My Morning Jacket opened open. I was only mildly familiar with their stuff but a somewhat little-known fact *cough* is that their fans are fans of the mari-ji-wanna. The air took on somewhat of a sweet yet pungent tang and by the time Tom came on, everyone was doing alright.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers for lack of a better phrase, "fucking blew me away." They played for a solid two hours and I knew way more of his catalog than I thought I did. The ungodly early Sunday mornings I spent as a dishwasher listening to classic rock, left a bigger impression on me than I thought.

When I heard of Chris Cornell passing I was shocked. Not as much as I thought I would have been but still shocked. I immediately thought of Michael Hutchence, from INXS, another tragic loss. The next few nights, I fell asleep to Soundgarden's, "Badmotorfinger" and was disappointed I never gave that disc the credit it deserves. It's solid front to back. More importantly, I was sad I would never have the opportunity to see those songs performed live.
A short time after this event I was getting in my car and driving home from work. When I pulled in to the driveway, I had a news alert. I learned Chester had also taken his life. "OH COME ON!!!" I yelled as I punched the steering wheel. 2017 was wreaking havoc on my favorite musicians and I didn't even think there would be more to come.

When I learned of Tom Petty passing, that coupled with the shooting rampage in Las Vegas, I put myself in a self-imposed media blackout. "Jane, get me off this crazy thing, " was all I could think. It's so hard to not feel discouraged and beat down when you turn on the television or read new on the internet. Everything sucks. The news sucks, government sucks, and unfortunately, people suck. Never in a million years did I think when I sat in high school that this was going to be the type of bullshit world that I was going to have to live in.

That being said, I am going to go and throw on the headphones and fall asleep to Tom Petty.
Rest In Power, Tom!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
jj

I have the worst job.
I mean I don't but, at the same time, I do.

I work in the bursar's office of a small, community college.
the bursar's office...the bursar's office...
yes, where you go to pay your tuition.

I am only allowed to work part time, cause otherwise the state would have to pay for my health insurance and we KNOW  that ain't happening so, for now, part time is fine.

I don't have the patience for a full time gig right now
i'm in my third semester of nursing school and other things I have not blogged about
yes, it has been that long

I was hoping to finish before I blogged again, so that I could say, "TAH-DAH...I'M A MOTHER-FUCKING NURSE!"

but life happens.

i came back cause I had a burst of inspiration this morning
it was like creativity was peaking out from under the blankets of antidepressants and bullshit.
"Remember me?"
"Yeah. I remember you.You helped me woo women back in the day."

Now the only women I surround myself with are either helping me clean the shit off of someone or trying to make me kill myself, by asking the most ridiculous test questions ever.
exciting...I KNOW

I really would love tales of adventure but those need to be somewhat on hold, at least until i pass the nclecks ( I know it's not spelled that way)

for some reason Pasadena calls to me. not sure why, I've only been there once but had a good time. To be fair, most times you are involved in a wedding weekend, you'll have a good time. Pasadena just seemed relaxed and perfect. yet I say this without even knowing if I could afford to live there.
i should probably look into that.

i hope you all are well.

Cheers,
jj

they tell me, "if you want to get better, you need to write every day."

maybe I don't want to write every day. maybe I just want to sit down and bang it out when inspiration hits me. maybe I just want to write when I am in envy of someone elses other artsy stuff.

maybe I don't want to get better, be great or have my shit seen by a ton of people.
maybe I want to drown in my own mediocrity.

sometimes 50% is all thats left in the tank after the day to day rigamarole we call life.

so maybe all I want to do is take time to recharge.

maybe I want to sit in a warm climate and listen to dave matthews and tim reynolds
while I'm drinking beers and eating pizza.

maybe neither my location nor my pancreas thinks thats a great idea.

maybe I have to say, "fuck you rhode island, fuck you pancreas, and fuck you dave matthews."

wait.....no. Not, "fuck dave matthews, he rules."

maybe it sounds like I need to sit and bang it out, every...single...day.


I hope you all are well.

cheers,
jj

Sunday not so fun day

Sometimes I swear my parents went wrong when they named me

that’s where it ended though because from there on out, i took the wheel and it’s been all uphill since there. sometimes I think I should not use this blog to express what i feel but then again, if I am not writing for me, who the hell am I writing for?

i know there is no audience, there may be three, perhaps four people at most, who check in from time to and see if just maybe i have stopped typing like my name is Eeyore. sorry to disappoint you but i’m back at the helm again and for what it’s worth, things are proving to be somewhat more than challenging. for what seems like an eternity, i battle one medical problem after another. since i lost the job that kept me poor, yet out on my own, my personal health has been in the toilet. whatever sense of independence i had vanished with my privacy, as i moved back in with the parents. i watched a decent social life dwindle and my nest egg saved for a rainy day disappear like, “presto change-o ala peanut butter sandwiches” or some shit like that.

my most recent battle was with my left foot. gratefully it was not clubbed like Daniel Day Lewis’ foot, in a film of the same name but, I have problems with blisters and ulcerations and other stuff associated with uncontrolled diabetes. People hear uncontrolled diabetes and think a person sits around eating birthday cake sandwiches and candy and drinking coffee coolattas, like they are never going to make them again, with no regard for themselves nor those taking care of them.

i’m sure in some cases that may be true but not in mine. Before all this nonsense started I was in the best shape of my life, feeling really great and starting to think that all was not doomed. then lo and behold the “Job variable” struck me and my ass has been kicked in one way or another almost six years now. Something needs to give.

there is also a part of me which thinks I forever rock the Eeyore card cause somehow it always has to be about me. which is crazy to hear myself say, cause if i looked back on most of my life, I think i’d see i put everyone else before me, most of the time. this may be true and maybe just maybe that is my role in life, to be the one person that people can count on and come to and because of the selflessness of my actions, my reward will be great once i leave this rock. But the longer i read textbooks in the areas of science, the more i worry this is the only rodeo in the galaxy.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

jj

Not gonna happen...

I hoped I woke up early enough to be able to get some work done in the comfort of a cup of coffee and the recliner. I was sorely mistaken. As the Sun was peeking through the trees. 3 out of four dogs were up and needed to go out, their, “accidents” from the middle of the night needed to be taken care of. They’re all good dogs, for the most part, some more willful than others but none so much as to be be purposefully defiant. I bought the pee-pee pads with the bullseye on them which, for whatever reason, unbeknownst to me, work better than the normal ones. Be it science, magic or luck, not having the scrape poo of the floor is worth every extra penny.

Cut to an hour and a half later, where I have not been able to get shit done. Been sitting with all four dogs so that world war woof doesn’t break out and everyone else can go about their business. I don’t think I would care as much if there were not academic work to be done. Unfortunately for me there is. So the time to sit and free write becomes smaller and smaller. I was really hoping to go 100% into NaNoWriMo this year but I’m not sure, with my honors project and other paper, that writing a novel is in my best interest. I still have random stuff to do to prepare for nursing clinicals in the spring as well as random doctor’s appointments and unavoidable social engagements.

That being said, it’s time to get to work.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

jj

I still loveyou...

Inevitably you will love someone at some point in your life. Hopefully more than one person and hopefully more than one time in your life. Your heart breaks and eventually heals. It’s whole again but the scar tissue is still there, much like the memories of whatever caused it break in the first place. Sometimes that person has made it to the inside of your fortress of solitude. Other times it’s friends or whether or not you want to admit it, acquaintances…people you just, “kind of know.” Unfortunately family is not immune to making this type of hurt and what’s worse, you never really expect it from people you have trusted for the majority of your life.

The trust which grew over many years, makes the hurt ache and burn and you just wish it would go away and take all the memories surrounding it, with it. Sometimes it’s not possible and you’re forced to face the pain and everything that accompanies it. It’s even more awkward when it’s family. Lately I have tried to ride a family member less and less about things they do or don’t do, because they are just annoying and inconsiderate to everyone else. I’m also working on not getting annoyed by the little things but I will be the first to admit, that shit is hard and I may be having a harder time with that than, not tearing into family like they’re a permanent speed bump.

Now some may say things are not that bad and that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and I am not disagreeing with them. I do however, wish they could get a glimpse into what exactly I am saying rings my chimes. All this being said, love your family as much as you can and even more than they deserve. Love your friends as much as you can. Finally, don’t be that person that goes out of their way to make shit harder for everyone else. No one likes having that person around.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

under the knife...

heading into surgery again tomorrow, hopefully for the last time in a while

be it a blessing or a curse, im not nervous, never have been

if there is something that goes wrong, i don’t have to worry about it. if i were to pass away because of a mistake be it freak or otherwise, i would only grieve for my friends and family

not being able to say goodbye and right some of the wrongs ive committed during my time here would really piss me off…maybe

for there is no certainty other than energy cannot be destroyed, it just changes form

from this mortal form to something more or less magnificent

it would be comforting to me and i suppose a great many people to know whether or not we retain our conscious memories but somehow i don’t think that is part of the deal. i think as our spirit leaves our body, chemicals in our brains are releases

 and induce visions from our memories, to aid our passing, so that our last moments are not solidified in fear. i think we make peace with whatever our belief system is and we have some knowledge that everything is going to be ok.

unless you know deep down you were not a good person and then you are overcome with grief and sadness because no one wants to be an asshole nor, be remembered as one. it is my belief we all want to be remembered as good sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, good friends and at the very least a good person

to me even if one has made some really bad decisions, done things that sometimes keep them up at night, if they know they have been in the wrong, have somehow felt some sort of sadness or regret and at their core are a fundamentally good person, i think it all, as one of my favorite priests, father andrew fabian said, “it all comes out in the metaphysical wash…”

and with that, i say,

“tres domine my souls become less real

tres domine my souls become undone

tres domine my soul just won’t heal

tres domine, tres domine.”