Yakkity Yak...

I sit here and try and bang it out
there is no more coffee to drink before the cup goes cold
only a few hours left before work
another night filled with bullshit and frustration
it's time to look for another job
it's been time for several years
however
it's really fucking time to start looking now

you would think I would have more to write about
more to say
having just come from a 5 day stint in the hospital
but all I really have to say is,
“Sure as hell don't want to do that again.”

Learning experiences are great but you don't need to have them all at once.

been on the prozac awhile
I don't feel all that different
but everyone and their brother seem to think
I've made marked improvement

this is a good thing...I guess
not going to lie
tired of taking pills and feeling like
my life is not in my own control
but that's a big reason why
I was in the mess I was in two weeks ago

gotta work hard
do more, be more
this will reduce my
dependence on pills

one step at a time

this post sucks
but like I said
there really is
not much to say

so I sit here
going through
the motions
listening to the music
hoping for inspiration
that gift from on high
giving me the added lift
I'm going to need to get through the day


I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Rochambeau...

its 8-fucking thirty and there is no fucking going on

the biggest decision Ive made today is
which convenience store was going to
sell me dinner
wonderful...
I
know

no fucking, no dinner
at least not yet
dinner will consist of
vegetable soup
a turkey sandwich: served in a whole wheat tortilla
with
artichoke & spinach hummus
and american cheese
and
a delicious diet dr. pepper, 2009
a very good vintage
or at least that's what I was told

not feeling lonely
or alone
but almost like
I've run out of friends
or that
my life has taken a turn
towards full on mundane
and in addition
I've unknowingly taken up
residence on the moon

so many ways to keep in contact
email
twitter
facebook
IM
cellphone
landline
motherfucking skywriting
and part of me feels
like
no one will
answer no matter
how loud I yell

electric ladyland
providing brief reprieve
from
ho humming myself to sleep
wishing for time machine
or maybe just
a
lobotomy
so I can be happy
knowing I have a full belly
wearing pants that fit
without having to ask permission
to go to the bathroom

I want you to update
and you
and you too
to communicate
to admit to people
feelings & emotions
have not gone the way of the buffalo
or VHS
or dial up connections

to be more than
a fucking abercrombie/walmart/chevy/beer commercial
to want more
than everything being
force fed down our
throats
to
grab a warm drink
on a cold night
in a comfy sweatshirt
hold hands with someone
and watch a clear fall
night sky

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The Wayback Machine...

when I was a young boy, young like
four years-old, not like my mid twenties
my parents, grandparents and various other family
would give me books that came with a play along cassette tape
yeah, I said cassette tape
I'm that old

anyway...

these books on tape, I think put out by Superscope
not only fostered and helped grow my love of reading
but also helped me to not hear the voices in my head
even at such a young age

in my teen years
I fell asleep to the white noise of am/fm radio
or whatever music I was listening to at the time
or quite possibly...I could have passed out
from the sheer exhaustion of high school
and later on, working 90+hours a week

when I eventually got to college
I was fortunate enough to have a roommate
who could not fall asleep unless
“Dark Side of the Moon” was on repeat
I swear I learned the lyrics to that disc by osmosis

when I had my own room
it was other stuff
jazz
instrumental
gregorian chant
whatever I could find to
expand my mind and be enough of a distraction
to get to sleep

and here I am
at thirty-something
still in need of silence
be it mental or otherwise
so I go to bed
with headphones on

and I'm drawn back to my childhood
'cause I'm still listening
stories
books via mp3
podcasts
still needing that voice
reassuring me things will be ok
that I can go to bed
get rest

that I've done a good job
and deserve to rest for the day
be it for an hour or four
or on the odd night twelve

I've tried going to sleep sans headphones
failed attempts on more nights than not
make me wonder how I'm
ever going to
fall asleep in
the big boy bed
should I ever be tall enough
to climb up...in...and under the covers

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Hot Coffee...

I”m trying to get in touch with my inner dork this morning.

We've lost contact over the past year or so
it's time to reconnect
there is
a cup of coffee
the clackity-clack of the keyboard
and of course
my first love
music

without it...well my life would probably seem
less dramatic
but at any rate, I'm rediscovering great bands
long forgotten

as I sit here and pound out this post
“left and leaving” by The Weakerthans
is haunting both iTunes and me
such a great disc from a phenomenal band
no more

Isn't that always the way?

I started tearing my bathroom up this weekend
which is pretty freaking hilarious as
I am totally not the, “This Old House” type
but when you hate where you live
and have some extra time on your hands
maybe experience really is the best teacher
at least
“that's what she said...”

wanted to take “before & after” photos
but of course, my digital camer decides to break
as I am about to go to work
so there is something else I can spend money on
at least I will be getting something with way more megapixels
than the last one I had
just a point and shoot...nothing to fancy

it's officially fall and we all know what that means for this guy
the beginning of seasonal depression
I'm hoping the lack of a real summer will either
help ease the symptoms of my seasonal depression
or maybe PLEASE GOD it will pass over me
if I nail my copies of my cure cds to my front door
perhaps the angel of sadness will not stop at my house

he says as he listens to, “The Weakerthans...”

music that makes me think of specific times, places and people
a long weekend in Duluth
when my body didn't creak and grown like this old house
and her red hair and mischievous smile were a common sight
ah nostalgia!

To be honest I don't even feel very sad
and I won't even attach a yet, yet
maybe it's cause I'm too mired in anger and frustration
maybe my mind and body and soul are too tired
maybe it's another thing I've out grown

like asthma
not sleeping all weekend
and tinker toys

Have a great day. I'm going to try to.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Mayday Mayday

Things here in the Ocean State are pretty much S.O.S

Paul E. Parker's post from ProJo.com sheds some light on the seemingly never ending economic decline we're in.

While I don't claim to have the answers to fix this problem or any answers at all for that matter, what I do know is blame storming those out of work, as well as those trying to find work, is pointless.
Speaking as someone with a full time job, trying to pursue an education, kicking those who are down is not going to motivate anyone to try and better their situation. If anything it's going to drive more people to feel even more entitled to, “Suck up more of your free tax dollars.” Let's look at facts. 1. Rhode Island and the Northeast have historically been hardest hit by any type of local/national economic crisis. Moreover, we are also the last nationally to pull out of the aforementioned hardships. 2. The national economy is in disarray, (not that this is a surprise) with no forecast of improvement. 3. The lack of good jobs, not great jobs, jobs that pay a livable wage and offer some reasonable health benefits, make playing the powerball seem like a more worthwhile opportunity.

So, before all of you, “hard workers, self-made men and women and those more fortunate than the rest of us” start bad mouthing those trying to keep off of skid row, why don't you take a minute to be grateful for all you have. Count all of your fucking money, access to good, affordable health care, nutritious food, and a warm, clean, safe place to sleep at night and shut the fuck up!

The early bird...

Don't worry Mom, someday I'll get to bed before 3am. I just don't see that time coming soon.

Last night was sufficiently terrible at work
long...long...long night
the kind where you get out and realize
there was not time
to
eat..shit...or breathe

not that anyone should do all of those things at the same time
but I do recommend breathing as much as possible
so I got out
went to the 24 drug store
cause I needed a Diet Dr. Pepper like whoa
realized I was starving having not eaten since
lunch
like 4 slices of chicken breast, horseradish sauce, american cheese, low carb wrap
so at 11:45
it wasn't delivery, it was DiGiorno

I was amped someone has finally made a pizza you can microwave vs. bake
since I have been hinky about using the oven, almost burning the house down
making nachos 2 summers ago
who knew tortilla chips had such a low flash-point
...
came home
pizza
DDP
season premier of Fringe via hulu
Jeebus I love me some hulu
then bed
lulled to sleep by the sweet sounds of Hearing Voices podcast
I also love me some podcasts and NPR

woke up not four hours after laying down
bathroom
change of clothes
log on
jack in
get the news for the day

I really could give a shit about pop culture
not even anywhere near the music snob / fan
I once was
maybe I am getting old and curmudgeonly
I must be, since I can spell that word

here we are at Monday, actually my Tuesday
and all I can think about is where the hell did my weekend go
and why was there not more fun involved?

but a good amount of good work got done
so I guess there was a bright spot in my universe
hopefully this will be the start of yet another prosperous period in my life
jeebus knows, I could use it.

starting with a new shrink this Thursday
not sure how I feel
I mean, obviously I'm for it
as I am still going
I just hope he's not one of these pill-pushing jackasses
otherwise this is going to be over faster than
Tara Reid's “serious” acting career

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Batten down the...

hatches.

I cant help but feel an overwhelming sadness
not like, “Oh poor fucking me...” sadness
just a general, “here comes the rain again” sadness
one I've been through before
have weathered
and am sure I will go through in the not so distant future

Could be the time of year
the change of season
lack of sunlight
or just some wackiness
involving the chemicals in my brain
but from now to about mid-January
the emotional roller coaster
is non-stop

I suppose there are drugs
but in all reality
I've taken what I've taken
and I really don't feel like
they make me any better
in fact, if anything else there is an increased inability to be creative
and I sure as hell don't want to be making
anyone rich from making me miserable

3:18 in the am and the valerian root
can't kick in fast enough
I want to sleep
to dream
to forget
not be aware
of this hell my life has become

no more tests
trials
tribulations
or whatever
just peace
and quiet
and solitude


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Just in case...

you are wondering, the world will end on a Thursday.

How do I know, you ask? It's really simple to be honest, my work week ends on Thursday. Therefore, in order for me to get to my weekend, I would have to survive the impending end of the world, apocalypse, whateveryouwanttocallit to get to the weekend.

If you know me, as some of you do, that shit just won't happen, cause it's the end of motherfuckin time and when the clock runs out... shit, it's game over!

Oddly enough tonight at work went by quickly, but it was hairy at times.

I'm not getting into specifics here cause well, that's just fucking boring but let's say there were flashing lights, police and maybe an ambulance or two.

After it all, I came home and all I wanted was a delicious snack, a cold shower and someone to play with my hair as I fall asleep. The shower was fucking fabulous, as for the rest of that shit, supposedly its still on it's way. The purchase order said the order will be filled by one: Claus, Santa, whoever the fuck that is?

It's 4am and while I would love to be asleep, something is keeping me awake. I know I have a ton of shit to do later on, stuff that just flat out needs to get done.

A LIST! I NEED TO MAKE A LIST TODAY.

bank
doctor
hair cut
phone calls
bunch of other stuff

with any luck, I'll get it all done and then some

Need to get some shut eye

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Today was kind...

of a wash.

Woke up with just enough time to
bang down some protein
put on work out gear
and drive

got to the gym ten minutes
before spin
put shoes on
stretch
fucking spin is cancelled

...

all dressed up and nowhere to go

...

I guess I could have stayed at the gym
worked out
throw some iron around
but it just seemed to make more
sense to leave and try and knock off
a few of the 247,832 thing to do
on my "get it done" list

so off I drove
back home
in a mere two and a half minutes
spin shoes off
lawn mowing shoes on
in heat similar to that of spin class
and Oh Yes, there was sweating done.

The grass got cut
and I felt like I had somewhat
of a workout
cause if you were as sweaty as I was
and didn't workout
or
get some of that sweet, sweet lovin'
I keep hearing the kids talking about
then get thee to a doctor
cause you gone die!

shower
attempted to get faux hawk
to short
maybe next week

I'm sitting here banging the keys
and a slight breeze blows in from the back yard carrying with it the scent of maple syrup or at least that's what my brain processes it as, which makes me think of oatmeal and cold winter mornings before school, which, is odd since I don't think I ever ate breakfast in the AM much after grade eight, and now I eat oatmeal all the time, regardless of the weather, because it is good for you

food seems like
a necessity and a good idea
chicken parm, maybe eggplant
maybe tuna and hot sauce
I'm not sure what dinner is going to bring

however
I do know there will
be stretching and ab work
and road work
yes that's right bitches
this guy is going to do some of what is known as jogging
its that time
and I've got
a
number
to
reach.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Sometimes...

you get presented with gifts
that
for whatever reason
you swear can't be real

things beyond your wildest
dreams
prayers
imaginations

things you're sure
belong to someone else
so you try to give them back
to
put them back
where ever you think they
belong

and yet
they come back to you
even though you don't believe
and you have to think
the devil or whomever
is fucking with you

because you want to
feel
touch
taste
smell
hear
revel
in the victory, so bad it's killing you

something so uncommon
you don't know what to do with it
so you panic
and hold on tighter than ever before
trying not to choke the life
out of your gift

and finally just when
you are in the throes of despair
and have lost all hope
she says, "I'm not going anywhere"

gasping that first breath above
the surface you realize
it's going to be ok
and to just breathe
and live one day at a time



I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Shift....

Strange things are a foot

by the grace of the internet I've been reconnected
with someone I never in a million years
thought I would see or hear from
ever again

at first I wasn't sure how to feel about it
over time
it has grown on me
and I dare say, it's probably the best thing
to happen to me in the last five years
if not in my life

thats not to say there is not a ton of
bullshits and frustration in my life
there are still
broken water heaters, refrigerators
and bills aplenty to be paid

but now there also are
late night conversations
filled with “what ifs”
and “let's make plans to”
which is new ground
uncharted territory
so to speak

and I have to admit
even though the butterflies
still have a home in my stomach
I smile a little more each night
before I fall asleep

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Happy You're in love...

yo

I'm listening to Frou Frou
and typing the hey nonny-nonny
things continue to be the bullshits
but I guess its ok cause its summer
or at least thats what they tell me
someone should call Al Gore
and tell him to not be so hard on the Sun
cause that fucker is feeling so bad about himself
he might not come around until Rocktober
then whats the point

brother gets married this weekend
muy excited for him
and her
mostly for them
and my parents
someone should be able to provide
them with grandchildren

not this guy

I have a hard enough time dressing myself
solving for x
and getting up on time
let alone
being in charge of another living being

not that I don't have plenty of love to give
cause I sure do
I sure do...but in the grand scheme of things
I want to have me on the straight and narrow
or at least not clipping coupons and eating
noodles 6 meals a week
having to decide between school tuition
or a gym membership

or maybe that other thing

whatever or whoever that may be

the one I think about on any day ending in Y
the one I listen to from Mon to Thursday with
the one I want to sit back and
jaw jack with
sip cocktails with
laugh from Friday night
til
Sunday morn with

or maybe I'll just take a dump and go to bed

ugly time comes early and I'm working a double

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

seriously...

it's 3:10 am on Saturday morning and because I'm sitting here
waiting for my virtual grapes to be ready to harvest
yeah, you heard me right...virtual grapes
the excitement in my life has skyrocketed
to a Friday night spent virtual farming

to be completely fair
I was up early today
went to the gym and probably worked a little to hard
went for green tea with “the w”
and then went to work for a training
again on my day off

so even though my day was not action packed
I did get stuff done
while going places
and taking care of business

still
its not all its cracked up to be
I'm sore in places I don't think should be sore
like my neck
then again, that can just be work related stress

fuck work
thank God the economy is so bad
otherwise I would have to spend free time
looking for a job
eff that

the only things I hate more than work are
looking for a job and
moving
I can't decide in what order those would fall
but I still hate them.

in other news...

my brother gets married next weekend
I am nervous and excited all at the same time
best man duties have been bestowed upon me
and while I am honored and relieved
there are parts of me wound unbelievably tight with stress

but I'll get through it
just call me grace
like “grace under pressure”
or clutch
some of you know how I tend to excel
when the 11th hour draws near

virtual harvest completed
new crop replanted
time to grab some zzzz
ugly time comes soon

I hope you all are well

Cheers,
JJ

GROW GODDAMN YOU...

I'm sitting here in a space that smells like burnt microwave popcorn.

*sigh*

that fucking smell takes forever to leave
to be honest, I don't even remember when I last burn microcorn
but I do watch a great deal of movies
so it might actually not be that long ago

I'm sitting here clackity-clacking
waiting for my virtual grapes
to be ready to harvest
I know...I know...
it doesn't get much more exciting than this
and why am I still single again?

whatever

decent weather is almost consistent here
so thats one in the plus column
been working out regularly
feel good
look better
need to keep going

car is fucked
like Im done with it
soon as I have some money
going to see if I can get
a toyota yaris hbx
if for nothing else just to have reliable transport
to school
fuck work...I can walk to that nonsense

latest audio addiction is fightstar
english post hard core...whateverthefuck
that means
hum was posthardcore/math rock
these guys sound completely different
but I like them

thank you emusic.com

drinking crystal light
pomegranate lemonade
its got shit in it
to help your skin
we all know how much I need that
bf of a friend codenamed this libation
codename delicious
funny and true

brother gets married in less
than
a
month

*bangs head on desk*

color me frustrated
if I were a crayon
Id be failure
not really
but its starting to feel
like that more and more
damn you depression
need to hit the eliptical
hard later on in the am
therefore
I need to go to bed

I hope you all are well

Cheers,
JJ

Yes...

I'm even hungry enough that I would eat a gas station sandwich. However I think a trip to the local market is in order.

I hope you all are well,

JJ

By the power of Greyskull...

I managed to make it to another weekend

I'm also grateful the weather decided to hold out for me, even if it is only for today.

I'll be heading to the gym shortly to get my sweat n' grunt on
gotta try and make it through one more day
another day of self improvement
get myself out of this funk
success starts with day one
and it seems to always be day one

still haven't finished that book I've been telling you about
maybe today
depends on if I have time to get out in the yard and sit
maybe after the grass is cut
sounds like a whole lot of maybe going on
story of my life

I'm loving anything by Imogen Heap right now
she's a singer/songwriter
in case you were wondering why
you weren't finding her on the shelves
at your local booketeria

light breeze just blew in the window
kind of nudging me
“hey...fat kid...let's go”
time to finish my coffee
head to the gym
get ugly
and live my life

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Over & Over...

I'm getting headaches
tension...anxiety...maybe anxsion
either way they can go fuck themselves
cause I know they are work related, driven by work, caused by having to
show at a place that makes me crazy
but I know I have to endure cause I need
health insurance and otherwise I will
shrivel up and die

or

at
least that is what
I
have been made to believe


so...yeah, newsflash: the economy is in the shitter
everyone and their brother is out of work
and if you are lucky enough to still have job
your employer holds it to your head, asking
“do you feel lucky punk?”

I like what I do
I'm very good at what I do
but there is only so much weight you can pile on the camel
before the camel tells you, “go fuck yourself...”

right now I'm trying to clear the dust out of my mouth
forcing facial muscles to form words
trying to catch enough breath
to push them out of my lungs

In other news...

writing class starts this week
not sure why I'm doing this
the only person I write for is me
in notebooks
journals
sometimes here on this blog

my fucking head is killing me
time to crunch down some:
melatonin, DDP & call it a day

I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Bullshit Weather Report...

It's 7:23 in the morning
I've been up almost an hour
went to sleep way to late last night
at least my brain & body feel that way

started the day off with an,”Oh shit...” moment
1 and ½ to 2 tablespoons of coffee per 8 ounces of water
for a cup
not 8 tablespoons and 16 ounces of water

never have been able to get the whole, “math thing”

I dwnldd, “A Positive Rage” by The Hold Steady the other day
really want to listen to it but I know I'm not in the right frame of mind
at least not yet
no coffee, no breakfast, no gym, no Hold Steady...at least not yet

So I substitute
Husker Du's, “Candy Apple Grey”
which seems appropriate
as I look out the window to see the weather not cooperating again

c'est la vie

what else is new right?

first couple of sips of coffee down, things will be alright
I concede...I give...I'm old
at least I feel it
I long for the days of 19 when 4 hrs of sleep was as good as
8 or ten
but not quite as good as the debut album by pearl jam
though some would argue with me
thats fine
many pj songs stand the test of time

I'm fighting the urge to go back to bed/take a nap/get unconcscious in my recliner
spell check just told me I spelled unconscious wrong and I can't figure it out
better luck next time I guess
need to go to the gym and get ugly
I mean like disgustingly sweaty
gross
to the point where I wonder if it's my own ass I'm smelling
burn some fat
burn the candle at both ends

I'm in the middle of a good book
a memoir
seem to be on a non fiction kick
tell you about it when I'm done

probably have more to say
but can't untangle it all
not right now
so I leave it to you

I hope you all are well...

Cheers,
JJ

Here We Go Again...

I know i've spoken about the wonder which is Pandora so I will leave it be
but just so you know, it's kicking my ass right now...in a good way.

I had today off and I guess I was tired cause I ended up sleeping late
obscenely late
like so late I'm embarrassed to say how late here
but since I wasted most of the day unconscious, I opted not to attend a training today
so I'm not one step closer to a raise my place of employment neither wants, nor is able to give
me

Reef called and asked me to come over and hang out
since we haven't seen each other since Abe Lincoln was voted captain of his high school debate team
I drove over
she made me a steak with Montreal seasoning
there was wine
I opted out since
I'm in training

We talked of work, our current economic situations, the lack of love in our lives
she recommended some glasses of wine
again I refrained, for fear I would turn into a weepy mess
not from sadness but frustration
I'm just back from being laid off
I don't want / need to go there again

Tomorrow we have the company, “welcome spring” party
Reef revp'd for me without asking
so I will go
and hang out with a bunch of people
who sent out letters this week
telling those who were laid off
“they are weak staff, therefore the layoff”

Personally I think its all bullshit
and I'm not really in a partying kind of mood
Reef said we should hold hands all night
just to stir up the pot a little
I remember the last time I played “pretend”
last time I did, it was the most painful game I've ever played

I think it was the Backstreet Boys who sang
“Quit Playing Games with My Heart” but don't quote me on that


While I haven't been here a lot, there has been writing going on
maybe at another secret location, like a livejournal
or one of those composition notebooks, you know what I'm talking about
the ones the “less fortunate” kids got made fun of for having
cause their notebooks didn't have pictures of Snoopy, My Little Pony or some other bullshit
and now every “dark and brooding emotional soul” commits feelings to paper in them
making them seem trendy
whatever

Hey Hammmaah...

I got forced to work longer than usual tonight.

Not that I mind the overtime, but when you've had a long shift
and you are anxious to get out, get home and get your pants off
another hour and a half added on to the end of the night is like
a major bite in the ass

but I made it home
alive
not alive with the glory of love
but alive

just finished House
can't decide if I want to
write
read
or maybe just listen to podcasts till I fall asleep

I'm not in school this semester
I thought I would be angrier about that
maybe I would be if I thought there were more
I could have done about it

just makes me hate money that much more

Which makes me realize
my next check
the one without 20 over time hours
is going to be nowhere near as fat as the past one

Tis hard not be somewhat let down buy that
considering I will be in the City of Angels
in less than two months
vacation requests need to go in yesterday

Need to get taxes done
need to get hair done
need for my nursing degree to be done
need needing stuff to be done

Tomorrow, if I am a good guy
I will wake early enough
to get to the post office
and gym before work

too bad I had my black hat on today
and my black shirt
cause you know what 3rd Bass says about that

maybe I deserve the gas face...
methinks not

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ