Somethings got to...

give...

Just came back from second podiatrist appointment in as many weeks.

in the words of Paula Abdul, “One step forward and two steps back”
apparently the opposites which don’t attract in my life are health and feet

I’m not going to lie, starting to get a little freaked out by the fact that I’m not able to be on my feet for any extended period of time.

Yes
I’ve been here before
Yes
I know it takes time for these things to heal
Still
it doesn’t make the anticipating, hoping, waiting and wishing go any faster
So
another hiatus from
work
working out
delicious things
and generally living life

Pretty awesome if you ask someone who is not
me

Week off from CNA class could not have come at a better time
I still feel kind of shitty about the Doc giving me shit about not having insurance
it’s not like I don’t want to be insured
it’s not like I don’t want to work
it’s not like I am trying to screw the system over and get something for nothing
I would pay the full amount if I were able
and yet
even though I still able to contribute something
I get the verbal chorus of disapproval and the equivalent of a finger shake at me

I suppose if I worked three jobs
put myself through a good college
were conservative
and followed the GOP blindly
like a fucking sheep
things would be better off for me

At least that’s what I am being force fed by everyone around me.


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I was in...

an uber bad fucking mood

and then I started listening to some new to me music

“The Hymn of a Broken Man” by Times of Grace, to be exact. I don’t know what the jury says about this disc but to be honest, I’m into it and I’ve only heard like the first 4-5 tracks
I think that says something about the musicianship and talent that went into this recording

Not only that but, I no longer feel like smashing shit, getting in a fight for no reason or doing some other dumb and non-productive shit

Back to the grind tomorrow night and I’m not even sure I can call it that cause, when you grind, you get paid. There is no money exchanging hands here. Maybe I will have to retitle my actions, “the wipe” or “the rub” as the case may be.

Watched “Jeff who lives at Home” and “The Hunger Games” this weekend. They both made me wish the Redbox had feelings, so I could say mean shit to it and make it feel bad about itself.

With a cast including Ed Helms, Susan Sarandon, Rae Dawn Chong and Jason Seigel, I expected something other than a turd trying to win the gold medal in the pole vault competition, at the shit olympics. Jeff, who lives at Home did not even place. That being said. Hunger Games was not better by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t understand what all the hype was about for the books and I understand even less about hype for the movie. When the best acting performance is delivered by Lenny Kravitz, one might want to think about who cast the leads.

Finished World War Z finally. I’ve been reading that book for what seems like the better part of a decade. It was entertaining, not life changing but, I’m not sorry I invested time in it either. I started In the Garden of the Beasts this afternoon. It’s the latest in the selection of books from my brother & sister-in-laws book club. I don’t know where people find these books but, since no one has read either of the last two selections, my hopes for anyone reading about the developing relations between pre-WWII Germany and the United States are minimal at best. If I’m surprised and people actually do read and discuss the book, you’ll be the first to know.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

BOOM!!!

it's almost four am and I am still awake

stressed out about not hearing from potential employer
I know they have to review my materials
but in all honesty
my resume is one page

wtf is the hold up?

it's a test I tell you
Im almost at the point
where I dont even care
anymore

sad part is
I really do.
I really, really do
I want to go back to work in the worst way
this semi-self-imposed vacation became
long and boring
about twelve and a half
months ago

the money is not even the worst part
its the lack of inter-action
the lack of sense of purpose
that bother me the most

most days I don't even know what fucking day it is
not cause I spent the previous night getting screaming drunk
and all sorts of fucked up on illicit substances
but because when there is nothing to do
nowhere to go
no one to talk to
then all of the
days and nights and inbetweens
just fucking run together
like some kind of final art project
done in haste
in hopes that graduation
is still a possibility

yeah

i
don't know anything about that

later on I will be going to apple
with momzilla
trying to find her a pair of wireless
headphones
loud enough so that
we dont have to
duct tape the stereo
to her head

im also going to take my
ipod
in the hope that a factory reset
is all it needs versus being dead
cause in the grand scheme of things
I do enjoy my music
but at this point
the ipod can go to that big scrap heap in the sky
if it means
im able to start work at some point
this month


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Call back...

do you know how long its been since I've had a call back for a job?

A LONG GD TIME! and that's all I can say about that. I'm excited but
at the same time don't want to get my hopes up because
the last thing I need right now is another let down

this week has been effing brutal, even though it is only tuesday

I
K-N-O-W!

there have been bright spots
reconnected with an old friend
HI HK!

got to watch some awful, summer-league hoops
with my dad at the most peaceful park on the planet

and threw out a ton of stuff I don't need.

My new interest is lucid dreaming
never have been able to try it
but
it seems like a good way to problem solve
at least for me
and if not, well then, flying and shooting
my arch enemies in the face with a bazooka
will be pretty cool too.

I was hoping to get to the beach today but
as I am waiting for the callback
I guess I'm somewhat house bound

What are you up to?


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Where are we?

I listen to and watch Jeff Daniels and I somewhat remember the United States I grew up in. One where the American dream, hell ANY dream, for that matter, was still possible. I remember being in high school and being told that my generation was going to be the, "First to not do as well as their parents."

We laughed out loud and back then we still thought of it as an LOL matter.

Now where are we? Who of us are happy where we are? Who feels though they have or CAN achieve their dreams? Who is feeling the agony of defeat and is trying to rally themselves, off the floor, one more time?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Read Only Memory...

So, I just finished the Steve Jobs Biography. I will not talk shit about the man, nor the wonderful things he did for the worlds of technology, animation, music, etc. However, I have to think if was somewhat less arrogant and stubborn, he might still be with us. Whether I am right or wrong, rest in peace Steve.

Got out of class early again tonight. Immaturity rears its ugly head again tonight. Instructor was going over Alzheimer's, it's affect on the brain and how the disease progresses and manifests. The non-mental health workers and those who have no idea how to compose themselves in public, thought it was a hoot and holler that a patient may spontaneously start masturbating at the dinner table, rec room, etc,. Being someone who has been touched by this disease, if only lightly, I wanted to ask them if it was still going to be funny if it was one of their family members or loved ones, who was getting down to business?

...nothing but savages in this place...

Leaving, I'm in the car and listening to some music I probably haven't had on since college, I pass a girl riding a horse down the side of the road. She's wearing a shirt that says, "lifeguard." For a second I had to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. Then I remembered, "I live in Rhode Island and this should come as no surprise."

Day off tomorrow, hopefully get some housework done, call about job at detox center and then try and bang out as much reading as I can. There is the trip to Westerly to pick up the mobile, and then basketball with dad so, from here it's shaping up to be a pretty full day.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Heart-stopping Comedy

Had CPR training in CNA class last night.

Normally this would have been two hour snooze-fest but, the fire-fighter-paramedic-cpr-instructor, is also a part time comedian. No, not like he is funny, like he gets up on stage and tells joke for money. Like he works at a casino and there is the possibility he will be opening for either Dane Cook or Dennis Leary, later on this year.

Which reminded me of my time on stage. I chatted briefly with this guy after class and talked about how I had taken a comedy class, right after graduating from high school, how I had been a theater / communications major in college, hosted a radio on my own and also with a good friend of mine. We both agreed out of all the substances one can buy or drink, eat, snort or shoot, nothing beats the rush of being live on stage and feeding off the applause of the audience.

oddly enough, we also agreed that sometimes in life, you have to laugh in order to keep from crying. I don't know about the rest of you but, that's some wisdom right there.

Class started and ended in the blink of an eye and when it was all said and done, we had the training and knowledge to keep someone alive and give EMS the best shot they had at bringing them back among the living.

The methodology might be somewhat unorthodox but, more trainers of any subject, should take cues from this gentleman. Not only was he able to impart all of his knowledge but was able to do it in a manner that was quick and didn't make you want to put a gun in your mouth to get away from it.

That being said, I am now, (again) CPR certified. Just another step forward in my journey.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

emotive...

Even with the help of a holiday, this week was a freaking drag.

by the middle of class tonight, I was ready to tap out...of everything

but I had a nice drive home
cool
good music
not too much
traffic

I think I may have even smiled a few times

something about that sea air and the scent of sea grass
that
just relaxes the hell out of me
reminds me
there are other speeds besides
run for your lives

we all move to fast
not noticing the small things
appreciating barely anything
until it's gone
or too late
or both

I miss all of you
I wish the best for most of you
I love several of you
if you happen to not fall into one of those categories
do not fret
there is still time
there is always time
never...never...never
give
up

****

sometimes I feel like one of those scientists
sending signals
out into our galaxy
or
to infinity and beyond
or
at least that's what it feels like
waiting patiently
for the reply
which more than likely
will never come

taking refuge in ambient music
mediation
yoga
and other modalities
to quiet
the onslaught of aural terror
inside my brain
tranceporting myself
to another time
place
reality
where there is time to
breathe
listen to the wind
hold your hand
and remember

remember and appreciate
the gifts shared
gifts placed in front of me
unwrap when ready
if I was ready
reminders of the beauty of it all
still reminiscent in this disconnected
life
content yet yearning
smiling without the drugs
grateful to shed tears
righteous with anger
free to be myself
still afraid to
open up
let down the armor
love

but this light shines
and little by little
the summer breeze
off the ocean
fuel the fire
creating more light
more heat
more passion
eventually transforming
wood to ash
to fly
to be free
in the air
to dance and play
and rejoice






I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Three times 3

You know what being the, "I told you so..." guy gets you?

Not many dinner invitations.

At any rate I recently learned of karma finally making its way back around the universe and really laying the smack down on a friend of mine.

just two short years ago, I would have taken a certain, measurable amount of pleasure in learning this but, we change, we grow, we try and let go of the things that we maybe shouldn't like about ourselves so much.

Though it's often said, it does not ring truer for me in this instance, "don't judge until you walk a mile in anothers shoes." We all walk and have walked many, miles in our lifetime. With good health and good fortune, we will continue to walk a great while longer. While our paths may cross and diverge, the importance of the journey is learning along the way.

Not the type of gear you had
How much gear you had
how many people carried you

What did you take away from the journey?

If your only answer at the end is, "a bad back and a lot of sand in my shoes."

What's the point?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Uphill both ways...

Refocus: put again into focus or focus more sharply; "refocus the image until it is very sharp"

Over the past two weeks, I have repeatedly heard my dream is going to be almost impossible to make a reality, at least in any reasonable amount of time. Needless to say, this does not make me a happy camper. As a matter of fact, it makes me down-right angry. To the point where I just want to" get screaming drunk on brown liquor, break things, kill people...myself included and just give up.

and then after about 16 hours of cool down time

I stop and think and the added relaxation helps me to remember, even though my life has been challenging at times, there has been and will continue to be success.

I think back to high school. When I was told college was not an option for me because I just didn't have what it takes. That I should be a hair dresser or truck driver. Testing in the top 2% of the country in verbal ability and I'm supposed to drive a truck?

I went to college on my schedule.

Got to college and was told I would not last the first semester, by MY ADVISER.

Graduated with honors, in my program.

Realized I was never going to be able to make the kind of life I wanted with my degree, not that I wasn't skilled or capable enough to do various jobs but the label cast upon me by those considering my degree was always going to put me on the bottom of the list of candidates. So...I returned to school.

Oh, I'm sorry, did we forget to mention there is a MATH REQUIREMENT?
*sigh* fuck

Took the math class, with an instructor who gives < a shit about her students and job and managed to earn a sparkly new F.

Took same class over, very next semester and earned and A-. Screw you lazy teacher.

Now I'm hearing there is no way I will make it into the final portion of my program unless I am rocking a 3.9 or above. I have to tell you, that F and a B- in developmental psych are not making me real happy right now.

I'm pushing middle age and have figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

Once again the higher powers are telling me no. Which means only one thing to me.

"Never...Never...Never...Give Up."

Thank you Mister Churchill, thank you.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Ten AmonaThursday

I mentioned not knowing much about anything in my last post and I still hold to that belief.
However, like Will Smith, my work ethic is bananas and more than likely, you will not out work me.

That being said, again I am at a crossroads in my life.
Minor variations in time and space
Major variations in time and money
Monjor variations of the voices in my head

Which, for the record, have been quieter of late

but...

the self-doubt is creeping back, double time
and to make matters worse
there is not a whole lot of
creativity time to offset
the bookwork and concern...a.k.a.
worry
about money, career, stability

what is love?
baby don't hurt me...

refocus...refocus...refocus...refocus

It's all over...

the one thing that remains constant in my life is, the fact that the more I think I have things figured out, the less this is actually true. figured I would come back here and throw down for a while and the whole damn thing has changed, wtf-EVER. ironically enough, I'm sort of at a loss for words at this point in my life. I finally slew my math giant I mean I really kicked the shit and $4 out of him I got an A- ...never done that before at least in math and now... I am getting my ass beaten like I stole the king's gold by words something I've not had a problemo with before in my life EVER See, cause from a real young age, I learned to read real good and that translated into me being a lover of books and words comprehension and all that other shit that lets "smart people" know, 'your head is for more than keeping your hat off the floor.' and so Im torn, between not quitting the class I am in or sticking with it until the end and almost certainly earn an F ... effed if I do effed if I don't somehow I gotta get off this rock. I hope you all are well. JJ

*sigh*

This weekend I had somewhat of a freak out. I realized in 22 months, I will turn forty.

And so this is forty, and what have you done?
I guess that question bothers me with varying intensity, depending on the day of the week it comes to the front of my mind.
cause realistically, it’s always on my mind
never giving me a break
letting me catch my breath
giving me a chance at believing
things might actually turn out alright
…

someday

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Saturday morning cartoons...

where have you gone?

8:36 AM Saturday
I’m coffee’d , breakfasted and now I’m sitting here trying to come up with a believable reason to not go to the gym. Even though I was up many times urinating last night, there was still plenty of sleep. I’m not too physically tired, it’s more mental and just a general lack of motivation. Which is surprising because over the past few weeks, I’ve really been noticing progress in the mirror, in the way I look in t-shirts and in the way my jeans fit. I imagine my goal of a 36 waist is not that far away. If I keep working like I have been, maybe a month at most.

Being unemployed is really starting to fuck with my head. I think the last time I was this broke, I was 11 and hadn’t started working yet, for my Grandfather or otherwise. It’s not having money to burn that is the worst. What hurts the most is the disconnect I feel with my friends, due to living on the other side of the moon. Not only do I not get to see any of them, but if I do make the effort, the idea that I’ve just purchased my last $2000 tank of gas, ruins any joy I have during the visit. Even hitting the weights does not silence my mind completely. It does a good job of distracting and tiring me out but the incessant voices of self loathing and doubt sometimes seem to be turned up even louder, as if they are trying to compete with the metal blaring from my head phones.

I grabbed about seven job applications yesterday, no place I’d actually want to work but sometimes you have to suck it up and bend over. I am not above this. In my application gathering mission, I was becoming increasingly annoyed with the number of businesses who told me, “We don’t have applications because we’re going paperless.”…and then they would hand me a slip of paper with directions on how to get to their website to fill out an application. Um, guess what? You’re NOT GOING PAPERLESS YOU NITWIT, CAUSE YOU JUST HANDED ME A SLIP OF PAPER!!!

I’ve decided minor muscle fatigue and a case of fat-kid-itis is not going to keep me from the gym today. I’m off to put on my socks and get the hell out of dodge. Gym is only open till one today and I have a lot to get done.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not for the...

faint of heart.

Today was one of those days I just knew I was going to have to write at the end of the day
Not that anything horrible or even memorable happened, it was just a feeling I had.
Like there were demons to be exorcised and thrown out
My body is trying in vain to get back to normal
Normal blood sugar levels, normal sleep patterns
Normal everything
It almost seems pointless
As pointless as me sitting here and typing away
My fingers unfamiliar with the keyboard
Like the whole things is some foreign dance, seemingly impossible to learn
And yet we’ve done it a million times

I was bitten in the ass by nostalgia this week and I’m not sure why
I got all caught up in myself and thoughts of people I haven’t seen in so long
It doesn’t even matter any more because unless there is some huge tragedy
We’ll not see each other again
And that just makes me sad
The only thing that justifies seeing people you care about
Are incidents of death, sorrow and the like
Sure there are weddings and graduations and a christening here and there
but what about actually getting to sit down and speak with those you came to see
at length
to actually be able to talk about more than the weather
how great things used to be
and wouldn’t it be great if we could all go back for
a day
a week
a month

there are days I want nothing more
and then when I really think about it, I’m unsure
would it be as good
would I be as comfortable as I think I am now

we connected
we connected deeply whether you want to admit it or not
and I hope you are happy
I really, really do
cause there are so many parts of me that
hurt so goddamn bad when I think about you
and how fucking wonderful you are
whether you believe it or not
a pain so deep I can’t even cry cause there is no point to it
and I don’t even know anymore if seeing pictures of
you and the children
help or hurt me
but I’m too interested to look away
but too proud to reach out
cause I know you know
how I feel
how I’ve always felt
how I will feel for many years to come
and maybe that feeling is as unsettling to you
as it is to me
but I hope not
cause I want you to be happy
and not tortured by the ghosts
like I am
I wish you wonderfully peaceful days
and nights filled with fitful sleep and amazing dreams

my head hurts so goddamn bad right now and I have no idea if its caffeine, blood sugar, stress
or some Faustian combination of those three things and thinking of you
the one I can’t let go
I’ve tried
I really have and no matter what it is I think I’ve done that works
there is always something there to remind me of the time
when I still had hope
in you
in us
in myself
and right now I barely have any hope left for me
I’ve turned into everything I hated
everything I never wanted to become and was determined
not to become
and then life happened
and no matter how hard I hit back
life hit back twice as hard
and as tough as I am
I can only take so many punches
keep my guard up for so long
before the blows rain down one after another
and though I am conscious of them
I notice no difference in their force
destruction
pain
so now here I am
on the ropes
or in the
corner
wherever life wants
to whip my ass
and my eyes are swollen shut
and my give a damn has been broken since 2004
but the pills
make me numb
so I can’t feel it
so I can go on
so I can take
beating
after
beating
after
beating

…yeah this is much better than being dead
only another 30 or so years of this to look forward to
please God
someone
throw
in
my
towel

I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ

So in about...

seven hours I will be in front of a doctor.

what's is incredible about this is, I will have to tell him/her I've been off all of my medications, diabetic, anti-depressive and other wise, for almost six months.

while I think I've done remarkably well, all things considered, I'm sure Dr. Smartypants is going to look at me like I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. In some case they may be right but, without a job I have no health insurance and I know for a fact that without health insurance, just one of my medications costs $400 a month.

yeah, so I can't even imagine what a month's worth of medication, plus an office visit, plus any other hidden costs I'm sure will be thrown in there, would be. If I had to take a guess, it would be somewhere near the thousand dollar mark. Sad part is I don't even care that I've not been on my meds.

I've been eating right and working out and while I'm sure my A1c is not where it needs to be, I've been feeling pretty good. Today being the exception but I think I'm just stressed, dehydrated and need a break.

yeah I know, "WTF, DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING JOB?!?!?"

while this is true, living in the smallest house in the world, where it is all but impossible to not trip over anyone, even when you are just trying to change your mind, wears on you after a while.

I long for Sunday mornings when both of my parents are out at their weekend jobs, not because I have never loved working on Sunday but it gives me a short reprieve from having them hover over me for eighteen hours a day.

still reading, no writing, not much has changed. Guess I'll get some sleep before the mental ass-kicking I'm going to take later.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taking a few...

minutes before most boring developmental osych class ever. It's not the Prof's fault, I just could care less about the material and after losing my job, the last thing I want to think about are brains and how they do or do not work. I'm attempting to write this on a mac and the stubby keyboard, with the huge keys are giving me a hard time.

had a few throwdowns with the parents over the past week but things seem to be somewhat cooler now.

finding a job
y
not losing my fucking mind
are priorities now


there has been little to no socialization
and I blame that on
me being lazy
and gas being eleventy billion dollars a gallon
all of which make me not want to drive to the "big city"

just about an hour left before class

suppose I should get some reading done
so I don't get, "smoted".

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

38...

which is about 14 more than 24

at 24 there was less to worry about
at least that's the way it seemed to me

what was going on over the weekend
what girl was I going to talk my self out of kissing
will I have time to eat dinner and get to rehearsal on time

things like that

38 is vastly different

it's like
did I remember to fill prescriptions
did I take prescriptions
where are those damned pills again
how the fuck am I supposed to pay all these bills

when not thinking about the aforementioned
there are always the other thoughts floating in the background
how the hell am I going to pay my student loans off
when the fuck will I be able to move out of my parents basement
How many times do I have to tell them paneling/wall paper are archaic
no one uses that shit anymore

wish in one had and shit in the other
see which one fills up first

at 24 I was so busy
I had no time to listen to
the brutal voices in my head
the peoples opinions I could care less about
bad, bad fucking music

now it seems these are the only things around

Whatever...

at least I still have my library card

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. to the three or so people who didn't forget my birthday, thank you very much.

And he who,,,

forgets

another monochromatic day

not manic, nor panic, just gray and windy and cold
it will be great when spring finally decides to show up
wtf? how does a season/weather pattern call out of work?

another night in the basement
I drank some coffee in the hopes of making progress
in the library books
a week overdue
whatever...

I could study the material for the test I blew off on Tuesday night
I could eat a mountain of goat shit too
both would be equally pleasing and affective

so instead of reading, I watched some Spartacus:GOTA
and now here I am
clackity-clacking out thoughts for all two of you
sometimes I think this blog is so boring, I don't even read it

I bet it bares incredible likeness to the composition pads, notebooks and journals started and left for dead over the years

first song to "work" when I popped open winamp
was, "nothing man" by pearl jam
I had to crack a smile at that,
even if, for lack of anything else,
wonderful irony

next song was, "Where I want to be" by Dangerous Summer
and nothing could be further from the truth
as beautiful of a place as this is
it makes me even more insane
there is little to distract myself from myself
yeah sure, there are plenty of places to go and walk
and look and relax
but all of these activities
let my mind set to wandering
and then Im possessed
by the voices
yelling at me
and asking questions which after almost
forty-fucking-years
I still dont have answers to

can't tell if I'm cold cause my blood sugar is low
or because Im sitting in a fucking concrete basement
and two inches of fresh powder blanket the sea grass
on the front lawn, back yard and
the rest of this, "great island."

april first and new snow
if thats not a kick in the nuts
I have no idea what is
all I know is when the sun shines
and I can get out of the box for a few hours
each day
jimmy feels somewhat better

still get caught up in
the, "I dont have what other people my age have" game
although, now, faster than ever
I'm falling fucking behind
my brother, with his high school diploma
a new three bedroom house
and putting together his own business
and why shouldn't he be successful
he didnt jump through the hoops like
me
he told the hoops to go fuck themselves
and the universe or whatever else is out there
said, "hey buddy, good job on being a crank! Here, have a good life, with our compliments."

it's a bitter pill to swallow
but being who I am
I barely fucking notice
too busy worrying about
whether my next job will be
bagging groceries
shoveling shit
or picking up heavy shit
and putting it down someplace else

suppose I should hit the hay
gotta get enough rest
so as to be able to go to the
gym
at first light
so I can pick heavy shit up
and put it down
in an effort to
keep the fucking
gun out of my mouth

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Joe Rogan...

made me laugh my ass of tonight and it was just what I needed.

even though I was freezing, in my parents basement, with no job to speak of and even less direction in my life, the act of having to stifle my laughter, due to my parents sleeping above me, seemed to make things that much more funny

shit has been unseasonably real for me over the past 6 months

I've lost my job, my health care, my apartment, thank god my car is paid for is all I can say right now. Friends come and go and some when they know you need them most, seem to disappear like ghosts in the daylight

it's kinda tough to finally realize that "you" are the weakest link, the one most likely to train wreck, the fuck-up in your circle of friends. "Not all who wander are lost..." one of my favorite quotes and yet I can't help but feel no matter how bright the lamp in the lighthouse, it will pass me over

life is a fragile thing and sometimes I think sanity even more so. It's taking me more and more to accomplish less and less. seek out the little things, the things that make you smile or laugh or that warm your heart, what do you do when every thing means nothing and the only colors you see are varying shades of gray?

at one time I thought going to school to be a nurse was going to be my salvation, now I have run out of excuses to trick myself into caring. the thought of being in college, classes, labs etc, nauseates me and yet, what is my alternative?

live in my parents fucking basement, hoping for something good to happen? hoping for a miracle, a lottery ticket, the angel of death?

lately i've heard many people speak on how good things are earned through hard work and if you expect positive results, you need to put your nose to the grind stone and really bust your ass

Yeah, cause i've never done any of that...

*curse this consciousness and this life*

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ