they tell me, "if you want to get better, you need to write every day."
maybe I don't want to write every day. maybe I just want to sit down and bang it out when inspiration hits me. maybe I just want to write when I am in envy of someone elses other artsy stuff.
maybe I don't want to get better, be great or have my shit seen by a ton of people.
maybe I want to drown in my own mediocrity.
sometimes 50% is all thats left in the tank after the day to day rigamarole we call life.
so maybe all I want to do is take time to recharge.
maybe I want to sit in a warm climate and listen to dave matthews and tim reynolds
while I'm drinking beers and eating pizza.
maybe neither my location nor my pancreas thinks thats a great idea.
maybe I have to say, "fuck you rhode island, fuck you pancreas, and fuck you dave matthews."
wait.....no. Not, "fuck dave matthews, he rules."
maybe it sounds like I need to sit and bang it out, every...single...day.
I hope you all are well.
Sunday, November 01, 2015
Sometimes I swear my parents went wrong when they named me
that’s where it ended though because from there on out, i took the wheel and it’s been all uphill since there. sometimes I think I should not use this blog to express what i feel but then again, if I am not writing for me, who the hell am I writing for?
i know there is no audience, there may be three, perhaps four people at most, who check in from time to and see if just maybe i have stopped typing like my name is Eeyore. sorry to disappoint you but i’m back at the helm again and for what it’s worth, things are proving to be somewhat more than challenging. for what seems like an eternity, i battle one medical problem after another. since i lost the job that kept me poor, yet out on my own, my personal health has been in the toilet. whatever sense of independence i had vanished with my privacy, as i moved back in with the parents. i watched a decent social life dwindle and my nest egg saved for a rainy day disappear like, “presto change-o ala peanut butter sandwiches” or some shit like that.
my most recent battle was with my left foot. gratefully it was not clubbed like Daniel Day Lewis’ foot, in a film of the same name but, I have problems with blisters and ulcerations and other stuff associated with uncontrolled diabetes. People hear uncontrolled diabetes and think a person sits around eating birthday cake sandwiches and candy and drinking coffee coolattas, like they are never going to make them again, with no regard for themselves nor those taking care of them.
i’m sure in some cases that may be true but not in mine. Before all this nonsense started I was in the best shape of my life, feeling really great and starting to think that all was not doomed. then lo and behold the “Job variable” struck me and my ass has been kicked in one way or another almost six years now. Something needs to give.
there is also a part of me which thinks I forever rock the Eeyore card cause somehow it always has to be about me. which is crazy to hear myself say, cause if i looked back on most of my life, I think i’d see i put everyone else before me, most of the time. this may be true and maybe just maybe that is my role in life, to be the one person that people can count on and come to and because of the selflessness of my actions, my reward will be great once i leave this rock. But the longer i read textbooks in the areas of science, the more i worry this is the only rodeo in the galaxy.
I hope you all are well.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
I hoped I woke up early enough to be able to get some work done in the comfort of a cup of coffee and the recliner. I was sorely mistaken. As the Sun was peeking through the trees. 3 out of four dogs were up and needed to go out, their, “accidents” from the middle of the night needed to be taken care of. They’re all good dogs, for the most part, some more willful than others but none so much as to be be purposefully defiant. I bought the pee-pee pads with the bullseye on them which, for whatever reason, unbeknownst to me, work better than the normal ones. Be it science, magic or luck, not having the scrape poo of the floor is worth every extra penny.
Cut to an hour and a half later, where I have not been able to get shit done. Been sitting with all four dogs so that world war woof doesn’t break out and everyone else can go about their business. I don’t think I would care as much if there were not academic work to be done. Unfortunately for me there is. So the time to sit and free write becomes smaller and smaller. I was really hoping to go 100% into NaNoWriMo this year but I’m not sure, with my honors project and other paper, that writing a novel is in my best interest. I still have random stuff to do to prepare for nursing clinicals in the spring as well as random doctor’s appointments and unavoidable social engagements.
That being said, it’s time to get to work.
I hope you all are well.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Inevitably you will love someone at some point in your life. Hopefully more than one person and hopefully more than one time in your life. Your heart breaks and eventually heals. It’s whole again but the scar tissue is still there, much like the memories of whatever caused it break in the first place. Sometimes that person has made it to the inside of your fortress of solitude. Other times it’s friends or whether or not you want to admit it, acquaintances…people you just, “kind of know.” Unfortunately family is not immune to making this type of hurt and what’s worse, you never really expect it from people you have trusted for the majority of your life.
The trust which grew over many years, makes the hurt ache and burn and you just wish it would go away and take all the memories surrounding it, with it. Sometimes it’s not possible and you’re forced to face the pain and everything that accompanies it. It’s even more awkward when it’s family. Lately I have tried to ride a family member less and less about things they do or don’t do, because they are just annoying and inconsiderate to everyone else. I’m also working on not getting annoyed by the little things but I will be the first to admit, that shit is hard and I may be having a harder time with that than, not tearing into family like they’re a permanent speed bump.
Now some may say things are not that bad and that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and I am not disagreeing with them. I do however, wish they could get a glimpse into what exactly I am saying rings my chimes. All this being said, love your family as much as you can and even more than they deserve. Love your friends as much as you can. Finally, don’t be that person that goes out of their way to make shit harder for everyone else. No one likes having that person around.
I hope you all are well.
Sunday, October 04, 2015
heading into surgery again tomorrow, hopefully for the last time in a while
be it a blessing or a curse, im not nervous, never have been
if there is something that goes wrong, i don’t have to worry about it. if i were to pass away because of a mistake be it freak or otherwise, i would only grieve for my friends and family
not being able to say goodbye and right some of the wrongs ive committed during my time here would really piss me off…maybe
for there is no certainty other than energy cannot be destroyed, it just changes form
from this mortal form to something more or less magnificent
it would be comforting to me and i suppose a great many people to know whether or not we retain our conscious memories but somehow i don’t think that is part of the deal. i think as our spirit leaves our body, chemicals in our brains are releases
and induce visions from our memories, to aid our passing, so that our last moments are not solidified in fear. i think we make peace with whatever our belief system is and we have some knowledge that everything is going to be ok.
unless you know deep down you were not a good person and then you are overcome with grief and sadness because no one wants to be an asshole nor, be remembered as one. it is my belief we all want to be remembered as good sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, good friends and at the very least a good person
to me even if one has made some really bad decisions, done things that sometimes keep them up at night, if they know they have been in the wrong, have somehow felt some sort of sadness or regret and at their core are a fundamentally good person, i think it all, as one of my favorite priests, father andrew fabian said, “it all comes out in the metaphysical wash…”
and with that, i say,
“tres domine my souls become less real
tres domine my souls become undone
tres domine my soul just won’t heal
tres domine, tres domine.”