Always a decent

 day when lecture does not totally suck.

rough morning

did not want to get up

5am comes too quickly when the to do list is never ending 

but i’m back in the thick of it

felt like i made a huge mistake last week

but 

it’s better now

still stressful

but i’m meeting people

makes it less frightening

even though this is my second time around

i haven’t told anyone except for the people 

who know me from micro

i don’t want to.seem like the biggest loser

or that i couldn’t hack it

except for the fact i had a lot going on 

like sub-optimal mental health

an ungodly amount of stress

the diabetes

and burning the candle via blowtorch 

and caffeine 

lots of caffeine

too much caffeine

but the classes were difficult

and i felt like i needed to know everything

you can’t know everything so 

cut yourself sone slack

it’s weird to get out early from lecture. almost never happens. nursing school is one big well of suck but, it’s a means to an end. a way i can live on my own, after my parents are gone, and other shit i’d rather not think about. the day is surely coming.

40oz of coffee to my face this morning

the reason why i feel like 

i’m going to carpet-bomb fertilize my cords

shitty britches 

“hey Furlong, tell your girlfriend to not forget to wash her ass…”

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

jj

This is harder…

than it has to be…and other things no naked woman, within ten feet of me, has ever said. 

back in the clutches of hell

otherwise known as 

nursing school

it used to feel good to be a gansta but lately all it has been doing is causing me grief

like trapped in someplace you know you have to get out of

perhaps a party you went to

with a buddy you didn't know too well

so everyone is all up in yo’ grill

wanting to know who you are

check your credentials

find out the story and the 411

and slowly but surely your 

gut

your spideysense

or 

the good GOD above sends you a sign

something that yells 

Get to steppin’ lickety-split

other wise BOHICA

or for those uninitiated, bend over her it comes again

something also never said when I have been in the presence of a scantily-clad and amorous lady.

i hope you all are well.

Cheers,

jj

Duck…Dodge…Dive

 it was a rough weekend

 

its not often I get all caught up in my feelings but when it happens, its bad. 

like fml bad

but we weathered on 

made it through the wilderness

isolation and self doubt

these are the worst foes i battle

casualties usually being unavoidable 

massive amounts of blood 

too much to clean up 

on my own

which is what i am

fucking hate it

never goes away 

goddamn relentless sometimes

 

the want of something as simple as a hug

can be soul-crushing 

asking for one gets your man card pulled 

no doubt

i can count the times i’ve been touched 

last year and this one 

on 

two hands 

feels bad man

feeds into the self doubt

 

who am i

whats wrong with me

when will it end

rinse n’ repeat

 

nothing but fucking savages in this place

 

i hope you all are well!

 

cheers,

 

jj

 

 

 

Man O’ man…

 am i back in the thick of it now! seems like the last time i did this, either I was a lot older or the 0500 hour was not a real time. new campus, new times, STILL TERRIBLE. The craziest thing i’ve noticed, how much Covid took a toll on the faculty both in number and physically. Then again, my eyes ain’t what they used to be either. Let’s call it a 50/50.

so with the school schedule i’m having to move certain semi-regular appointments around. My counselor, who shall heretofore be referred to as, “the clown” had an interesting take.

 

The clown: Well…so with you starting up with school again, what’s your schedule going to look like?

Me: not final yet but, Fridays i’m in the hospital all day.

Clown: (with no expression) Oh no, what’re we going to do.

Me: Well i have Wednesdays completely open.

Clown: I don’t work on Wednesday.

Me: (in my head) what kind of professional doesn’t work on Wednesday?……. Oh ok. I’ll get something figured out. 

Clown: Yeah. Just get it figured out and then call Irene.

Me: thinking (how about you tell me what you have available, and I can go from there) Not really sure who Irene is.

Clown: She’s the lady who calls you on the phone.

Me: Well that clears it right up.

this is the guy in charge of keeping me from taking a dirt nap…

Nothing but savages in this place, I tell you.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

jj

Been awhile since...

i've done one of these but here we are.

...so this is the new year 

and im feeling somewhat diferrent. its really starting to bang home how im probably on the back 18. some days feel more like it than others, the good days still come. on the eve of 24, after visiting with family, chatting and watching 45 minutes of the John Hughes masterpiece, "the breakfast club" perspective rings true this is not just another teen movie. but i digress. 

...so this is the new year

and i'm not sure the drugs are still working 

the sadness fucking ebbing and lurking

the sleepless nights and hours of panic 

cant blow mmy cover show them all i'm so mmanic 

cant show them all i'm so mmanic 

can't show them all i'm so mmanic 

...so this is the new year 

 and the continued growth of this writer 

 becoming physically and spiritually lighter 

 supporting neither evil nor the simple fascist fighters 

these tRump-emboldened, low i.q. cousin-fuckin' white knighters

i 

miss the times oh so grand, without lapses 

learning more from drunken foosball, than classes 

sweaty calesthenics, grinding out on the dance floor 

youthful bodies in revolt just like they're made for 

i 

we used to rage and have the run of the whole town 

without the threat of being disappeared or gunned down 

stumbling running jumping laughing no touch downs 

i'm not beaming up or beaming out like all these blue clowns 

not beaming up or beaming out like all these blue clowns

not beaming up or beaming out like all these blue clowns 

...so this is the new year 

...so this is the new year 

...so this is the new year 

 i hope you all are well. 

 jj

Summer gets all...

the love

but fall is where it's at.

those brutal heat waves we had this summer, the ones that made you feel like convenience-store burrito, left to die under a heat lamp,
they seem to have moved on

i'm ok with it

even though I am no longer the guy in shorts 12 months a year
you still have to show love to the seasons
if not love then, at least some respect or
at the very least recognition

"Yes, Winter, you are the man! If i get drunk and pass out, outside here, you will be the death of me. You win, dude. You win."

"I know, Fall. I know...you TOLD me to bring a sweater...and i didn't...and now i have a scorching case of strep throat. You've never been the bastard before but, I can't stay mad at you.You did tell me."

usually this is the time of year i wax poetic about those golden, fall days in Southeastern Minnesota. times when most things I needed were 5 minutes away
but
falls have always been golden or at least for as long as I can remember they have been.
many centuries ago, in a time called 1991, fall represented a new found freedom
no longer enslaved by the chains of high school, i began to live life.
friendships started within the confines of academia became forged through time, honor, and mettle.
i began a journey i walk still this very day. a journey on the path of,
"Just Who The Fuck Does This Guy Think He Is?!"

metal, while still polarizingly popular, was giving way to new sound coming out of the Pacific NorthWest, music would cease to be the same after, 'grunge' reared its wonderfully alternative head.

i associate fall with inumerable things
grunge music
soundtrack from the motion picture, Singles
college days
band practice
weekend road trips throughout the NorthEast to see a million bands for cheap, eat cheaper food, and drink the cheapest beer
trips to various spots in nature to either hang out or just reconnect with ourselfs, something I think young people today are sorely in need of.

and of course, Fall makes me think of foliage
the turning colors of the leaves as they
break away
float
fall
wither
and
die

as unfortunate as it is, i associate Fall with
Shannon
Scott
Kurt
Chris
Andrew
and most of all with
Layne

so throw on your docs and a flannel, grab a pumpkin-flavored beer, turn this one up loud, and enjoy!

i hope you all are well!

cheers,
jj

keep on moving...

i’ve been out of commission for a while
almost six months to be exact
that shit is for the birds
oddly enough…the wheels always seem to fall of my bus
right as summer pulls into town
which is just a damn shame
nothing takes the rock and roll out of you or makes you feel your age
like having to ride the bench
and my ass has made dents in the bench this season
at times…
i’ve been on the verge losing it
my shit
all of it
can’t say i’ve never been suicidal
cause i have
maybe more than thrice
maybe not
only really been all in, on going, all in
once
that shit is wonderful and terrifying all at once
you’d think it would offer some perspective
a glimpse of who you are
maybe it does
but after 45 laps around the sun
the only thing i know is
i aint earned the cred to join
michael+kurt+chester+chris+robin+kate
and
yeah even you, bourdain

i hope you all are well.

Cheers,
jj