CGN University...

this is the university I am attending. You may be enrolled as well but not even know it...yet.

In attempting to post more than twice a month, this will be a themed-post. The theme being, "Things that are just fucking crazy."

Without further ado, here they are.

Hi, I'm George W. Bush. I am the worst president ever. When I mean ever, I mean a long fuckin' time. I'm not talking like Jerry Lewis Telethon long, no sir. I'm talking longer, like I've been in office so long, no one under the age of 20 will remember the "good old days." When gas was not eleventy billion dollars a gallon and the rest of the world didn't hate us. That's how long I'm talking about. Anyway, I was just on my way to vacation, I mean "work" and just thought I would stop by this here blog and let you all know that I took a shit about this big today. God bless America, and no place else.

Thanks for stoping by George, always love to hear your excretory system is in working order. Well we kind of always know that cause anytime you speak, all that comes out of your mouth is shit. Front door or back door, either way the shit is getting out.

Next up His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI.

Thank you JackassJimmy. Good morning. I have stopped by Called Out at Home to tell you of the good news. I think you all know who I am, if not, just know that I am the head of a church/political machine that uses fear and guilt to manipulate people into living in a way that is antiquated and unrealistic.

Now for the good news. In the past, if someone had died before being baptized with the Holy Spirit, their soul did not go to Heaven. See Catholics have to be "baptized" with water and oil before they can go to Heaven. See God loves oil and water, much like George Bush, (maybe that's why he is always speaking with Georgie and not me.) and therefore, wants all of his people to be annoited with these blessed things. Those poor bastards unfortunate enough to not get baptized, well they go to limbo/purgatory to wait to see if there may be room in Heaven at a later time.

Limbo is not really a very fun place because it's filled with unborn children/children who die at birth and those stupid enough to not be baptized into the Roman Catholic faith. There is no food or music in limbo, in fact there are only broken beach chairs and math problems in limbo. I seem to be getting off track here but what I wanted to tell you is this. "I got rid of limbo. There is no more limbo." Now I know some of you may find this hard to believe, but God spoke to me and told me I could do it, so I did.

Where have all the souls of your children and loved ones gone? Let's not worry about that just yet. Let's celebrate the fact they are no long in limbo! I know some of you may be angry or overcome with grief and this is to be expected, but as Catholics, you know that nothing good ever happens to you and that it is your faith in the Unseen alone that will get you through this. Rejoice and be glad in this good news. Oh, and if you use condoms or birth control, you will burn in Hell for all eternity. Have a good day.

Thanks for those rays of sunshine your eminenance, I know I feel like hanging myself right now. Our last guest should be considered a certified lunatic. He is just rediculous and makes his living as a "magician" a financially bankrupt occupation since people believed you shouldn't bathe because the Devil would enter you via your open pores. Ladies and gentleman, how about a nice Called Out welcome for David Blaine.

"Hello, I am speaking with you using telepathy. This is necessary as I was enclosed in a water-filled sphere yesterday. While in this sphere, I am going to try and escape from some chains, while trying to hold my breath for 9 minutes. I am not a good role model and think you should keep your children away from me. I have done other great stunts like: burying myself alive for a week, encasing myself in ice for 61 hours and my personal favorite, being hanged in London for 44 days. I can't wait to get out of these chains and break that breath-holding record, cause my balls are very itchy. Hail Satan."

Ok, well thanks for that short yet informative interview. Well that seems to be all the time we have for today. Come back the next time I post something and maybe it will not be as wild and weird as this.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ


JUST ONE MINUTE JACKASS!!! I'M TANA UMAGA, FORMER CAPTAIN OF THE NEW ZEALAND ALL BLACKS RUGBY CLUB. IF YOU HAVE THE BALL, I WILL DESTROY YOU. IF I HAVE THE BALL, I WILL RUN THROUGH YOU. I LOVE DESTROYING PEOPLE AND I AM CRAZY. I ONCE TRIED TO TACKLE AN 18 WHEELER. HOWEVER ALL THAT KILLING HAS MADE ME TIRED AND AT 32 I AM LEAVING THE ALL BLACKS TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY CAUSE I AM A HELL OF A GUY. OK, I JUST WANTED TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A NICE DAY, I'M GOING TO GO RIP TREES OUT OF THE GROUND WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!!!!

Three Reasons Why...

today does not suck frog cock.

1. The Red Sox beat the fucking Yankees.
2. My Get Up Kids cd finally came in the mail.
3. Diet Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper is pretty good.


The weather is for suck, (as they say in Hungary) but you can't ask for everything at once. If you do, you are fucking greedy and should be ashamed of yourself. It's late and there is no way I should be up, but I have to do laundry so I can go to work with clean clothes tomorrow. As a result, I blog & drink more soda. Yeah, it's a terribly exciting night at Chez Jackass.

I am excited about going to work tomorrow. One of our long term guests is being transfered to another facility and that makes me happier than Michael Jackson at a nude cub scout meeting. So much weight will be lifted from my shoulders and things will be exponentially better at work, at least temporarily

laundry, soda, sleep.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Maybe this blog should call it a day...

Sometimes you just fucking get lost, there is no other way to say it. One moment you are walking with the sure-footed-ness of someone with really sure feet and the next moment, you don't know whether to shit or go blind. What's worse, is usually the more you struggle and search for the path you were on, the harder it is to find again. It's almost as if someone is playing the cruelest of jokes on you and just won't stop.

So what do you do?

You have no idea. At first the, "this too shall pass" defense was up and running. You think this works about 80 percent of the time for normal, trust fund, well-endowed, cookie-cutter, Barrington, Newport, Westchester County, Richie McRicherton types. Since most of us don't fit into these molds (gratefully, and I apologize if your packing the love Howitzer in your pants) we need alternative strategies....a la PLAN B. In your experience after "this too..." is gone, your old friend Apathy shows up. Apathy is dressed in the clothes of the relationship that is never going to happen. She comes over and maybe you guys go to dinner or a movie or both. Maybe you stay in and watch Scrubs or whatever netflix has sent you, while eating pizza/thai/indian/chinese. Maybe you have a few drinks and maybe a few more laughs. Maybe you guys laugh a little closer and maybe she kisses you.

Maybe...

Maybe you guys end up making out for hours on end. Maybe you end up making out so long, you're sure you have heard all of the songs on your iTunes playlist at least twice and she doesn't care. Maybe she tells you to get naked. Maybe being naked on the couch is scary. Maybe scary is good. Maybe this is your weekend and maybe there are no worries about calling out of work. Maybe night turns into morning. Maybe mother nature co-operates with a nice breeze and maybe the fleece blanket from college is all you need.

Maybe this happens semi-regularly.

Maybe you make the mistake of expressing ideas and opinions. Maybe you want this to be something more than maybe. Maybe your listed as guy@work in her cellphone. Maybe she gets all bajiggity at the thought of all of this. Maybe she changes the subject. Maybe she does this all the time. Maybe you have had this conversation over and over again. Maybe it seems like this conversation will never end. Maybe it feels like you're banging your head against a wall.

Maybe you are.

Maybe Apathy keeps coming over but she wears a new outfit, from a new designer. Maybe that designer is PANIC. Maybe the both of you stare at the tv more and talk less. Maybe Apathy should just go. Maybe Apathy will respect your wishes for once and just leave you alone. Maybe Apathy will stop leaving PANIC all over the floor of your kitchen/living/bedroom. Maybe Apathy will just disappear. Maybe Apathy should never call when she knows you are writing. Maybe Apathy promises to change.

Maybe...

Maybe Apathy does change somewhat. Maybe she grows tired of designer labels. Maybe Apathy becomes more available. Maybe this is all a facade. Maybe Apathy makes and breaks plans more often. Maybe Apathy leaves you with a ton of time on your hands. Maybe Apathy you should have fucked PANIC and Apathy when you had the chance. Maybe you never even had the chance.

Maybe you had the chance and never even knew it.

Maybe...

Maybe Apathy calls to tell you about her marvelous new friend. Maybe you fake interest. Maybe she goes on and on and on. Maybe all you want to do is eat a burrito and then rub one out. Maybe Apathy's new friend happens to be male. Maybe his name is DESPAIR. Maybe Apathy and DESPAIR are now bestest friends. Maybe you are so jealous/angry/heart broken all you want to do is break shit. Maybe you should nail the nasty chick from the bar.

Maybe...

Maybe DESPAIR shows up at your place and tells you he doesn't want you to talk to Apathy anymore. Maybe you tell DESPAIR to, "go fuck himself." Maybe DESPAIR makes the mistake of balling his fist. Maybe you see this and hit DESPAIR so hard and so fast, he momentarily forgets how to speak english. Maybe he rethinks his toughguy bullshit attitude, spits on you and runs away.

Maybe...

Maybe you look back on all of your experiences with Apathy, PANIC & DESPAIR and realize the whole thing was fucked and you won't let it happen again. Maybe you learned a tough lesson for the final time.

Maybe...

I am cold...

...and suddenly there was peace and harmony across the land. Then I realized I was sleeping. And by sleeping I mean I had passed out due to fever and exhaustion. And by exhaustion, I mean I'm working something like 16 days straight, most of those being double shifts. Glutton for punishment...maybe.

My birthday was good. Went to the Stuf' with "W" and El Capitan. The beer and liquor flowed like water, the chicken blt wrap was delicious(as always.) There was not a good looking to be found within three counties(as always.) And the Sox...well they got their asses handed to them by the Rangers. That was just completely unacceptable. You win some, you lose some, this I understand. But to get the shit and four $ beat out of you, when the season hasn't even really started yet, hmmm.... that's a toughy.

I picked up some new running shoes. Dick's was having a sale and who am I to say no to two pair of Adidas for $80? Now my heel spurs are much more comfortable and I don't look like I'm wearing Forrest Gump's hand-me-downs, (which I would never do anyway, as Nike is the fucking devil.)

Today I went to Michael's and spent more $$$ on some crafty shit I will probably never use. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. At least mine will be decoupaged and look all sparkly and shit.

The fever is taking over....more sleep before work.

I hope you all well.

Cheers,
JJ

Old Scratch...

In thirty-three minutes, I will be thirty-three years old. I am celebrating with a roast beef sandwich and a bottle of water. I don't know if I can contain myself from all the excitement.

I have been working alot lately. This weekend I worked 40 hours in three days. Life has been somewhat of a bitch but with people being out and second team not picking any of the slack up, someone (me) has to man-up. I work tomorrow...only one shift. Then I am spending my weekend working. and I work a double on Friday and probably through the weekend. Overtime is good. I have some stuff I'd like to do with the money but I'm not really sure how much I am going to make. I know I will get killed in taxes, but I should finally have the money I need to buy an iPod. If not, well then I can buy some new shorts as the ones I have now are getting a bit big...not that this is a bad thing.

It was a tough shift at work today. You can't ever let your gaurd down, not ever. The older I get, the more spiritual I feel I am becoming. I don't mean like bible-thumpin' but if you're not reading anything else, it's not a bad book to pick up. Anyway...its been almost a year since the devil made an appearance. Tonight, he decided to come back in full force and while his entrance made a little bit of an impression, I told him to go fuck himself. That both me and my man JC did not welcome his ass, nor did we want it around, so get to steppin; cause there was nothing to see here. He looked at me like I was talkin' shit and maybe I was, but in the end you stand your ground, and JC has always got your back.

I watched someone wracked with convulsions, seizures or something just all over nasty. I watched as she fought for breath, as she struggle to stay conscious and in the end lost that fight. I watched as my team worked as a well-oiled machine to keep the guest alive. I watched and kept my composure as the devil shook this guest, winked at me and asked, "where is your God now?" I watched as a young form was turned into something resembling something from, "the grudge." Many people put faith in science. While I understand that, tonight the only science I was agreeing with was, "for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction." While my team worked, I prayed silently over the body, I hate myself for feeling somewhat embarrassed about that but I don't think people would have understood. For what it's worth, 45 minutes later the guest was up and talking and joking around. They had regained enough energy to walk to their room and lay down. Eventually the guest even came out to have a can of coke and then back to bed.

After third watch started, I left and went to Stoppie's. I picked up a bottle of water and roast beef on a bulkie roll. Not a great way to celebrate but what are you gonna do?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Fear does not...

exist in this dojo...does it?!?!?!

I've been back to work now for a couple of days. Right now, (not actually in the real world) it's sunday for me. See, when you work at the Agency, unless you are one of the chosen few, you never...ever get weekends off. It's just something that never happens. So as a result, my weekend falls on wed/thursday. It's not as bad as it sounds, I'm not a huge drinker. I mean, I've been known to tear it up on occassion but for the most part. I don't live for the traditional "weekend" to go out and abuse my liver.

anyway...

Today I had to go in for training. Of course training always falls on my day off...cause why wouldn't it? Why should I be able to have two solid days off? We were being tested to make sure our h2h skills are up to speed & to make sure we are using, "Agency approved" take down methods. To be perfectly honest...If someone is trying to fuck my shit up, in the immortal words of Emilio Estevez, "me hitting you...you hittin' the floor." I took the high road before and look what it got me. A three month, barely paid vacation. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and mentioned how I haven't been this broke since high school. Saving the world from evil and taking the shit I do is a tough racket when, at the end of the week, you can't even pay your rent. Nothing but savages I tell you.

I was not able to complete all of the training, this makes me angry. This was a dry run for our national certification next month. The knee is good, but I'm still not able to put all the weight on it. Some of the single person take downs are damn near imposssible. Fuck it...nothing ever goes down by the book anyway.

In other news...

Been reading Chuck Palahniuk's book, Lullaby. It's good. All I will say is that the concept surrounding the book is good and that a "lullaby" is a driving force in the plot. I have put myself in the place of the main character and I have to tell you, I can't decide whether or not it is a good or a bad thing. If nothing else, this book has made me want to read Fight Club. Read fight club you say? Yes, read fight club. Apparently, I am the only person on the planet who didn't enjoy this film. However, Palahniuk's writing forces me to consider the fact that I might enjoy reading the aforementioned film. We'll see.

That's about all I have for a sunday night. I think there maybe a sandwich and maybe a coffee in my near future, but I could be wrong.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Baby it's warm...

outside!!!

The weather yesterday was phenomenal. I drove by banks who's thermometers read 75 degrees. I don't know about all that but it was at least 65 and that is a welcome change from all of the, "holyfuckohmygodicantbeleiveitstheendofmarchanditsstill100belowzeroout" bullshit we've been experiencing. Still, summer can't come fast enough for me. I mean...other than warmer days and nicer weather, I really have no cause for wanting summer to get her asap. It's not like I'm a pro-surfer or a stawberry farmer. Not a life gaurd or that kid in high school labled, "the bad seed" with a chip on his shoulder and a hog the size of Nebraska in his dickies. I just think I pine for summer cause people seem to be more relaxed and a little more forgiving. Now that I think about it, that's why in the pristine weather yesterday, I watched a mother scream at her young son, like he was the child she never, ever wanted. Too much of that shit going around and with any luck, she'll get hers.

I went on a hunt for a new bookstore yesterday. After breakfast, I drove and drove and drove some more. When I finally arrived at said destination, it was closed. Not like closed for the day or forever, but closed like it didn't open for another hour. Imitating John "Sunshine on my goddamn Shoulders" Denver, I jumped back in the F1 and drove and drove and drove some more. I was about 30 miles away from Hartford when I figured I should turn around. So I did and on my way back, in the middle of a sleepy little CT town, Putnam, I found another bookstore. I didn't stop cause traffic was a bitch and there was no place within a ten mile radius to park but I referenced it for the next sunny day drive.

Today includes going to a bullshits training at work, chores around the hizzo and maybe some reading...I'm not sure, I might not have time for all that fun. At any rate, I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not on strike...

Nine thirty and I’ve been up for almost four hours. Shit has to get done today and I need to get back into the swing of getting up early. I’m excited about going back to work on Monday, but to honest, it’s more about making the real paycheck than anything else. The time off has been good and has allowed me to heal, but to be honest, I don’t think I’ve been this broke since I was in high school. Scary huh?

Still on the metal kick. Yesterday, I visited with my friend, Mike Z, the manager from Hell at Newbury comics, and picked up Alive or Just Breathing by Killswitch Engage, as well as Never Take Friendship Personal, by anberlin. I’m still undecided on the anberlin record, there are a couple of tracks that totally kick ass but I’m not yet sold on the disc as a whole. Alive or Just Breathing is a great disc. Jesse Leach, former Killswitch Engage frontman, has the best voice in metal. It’s interesting to see the progression he has made from his days with the Providence evil core outfit, Corrin. Since Leach’s departure from Killswitch Engage, he now spends time working a day job and fronting, Seemless, yet another Massachusetts band lucky enough to receive Leach’s vocal Midas touch.

I was rocking out to Alive or Just Breathing on my walk home from the mechanics this morning. There is nothing better than waking up at all most the end of March to find snow flurries coming down at a disconcerting pace. I believe, “What the fuck?” came out of my mouth at an unreasonable volume for 5am. Like Leeroy Jenkins, “at least I had coffee” this morning. I thought my mechanic opened earlier than 7 and so I drove to T-Ho’s for a café mocha and a bagel. When I dropped my car off, my guy told me it should be done by Noon and to come and get it. Problem is, he never answers the phone after Noon so if I walk up, and it’s not done…I’m shit outta luck. I suppose I could go to T-Ho’s for more caffeine, or the comic book store, to spend more money I don’t have, but those options are not really in my best interest.

In other news…

I found a bunch of people I used to work with at Crank of America, on myspace yesterday. COA was never the kind of place that would let you get a sense of who you were working with, but to look at these profiles, scary man…just scary. Tonight, if my luck is good, and the car is set to go, I’m going to go catch a flick. Not sure what. I’d like to see Ultraviolet but I have been hearing some bad shit about that one. Then again, everyone has been raving about V for Vendetta. I hate when people rave about a flick. If they are professional critics, they have been paid off. If they are the average Joe, most of the time our tastes don’t jive. Whatever…something will be seen.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

You wanna know what the toughest thing about being a diabetic is? Besides all of the fucking chemical havok that shit wreaks on your body, I don't know a diabetic that is not hungry. My dad has been a diabetic for as long as I can remember. Medicine has advanced greatly in my thirty years on the planet. People always said, "eat right, exercise, lose weight and your blood sugars will be fine." My dad lost enough weight to be the equivalent of another person, never eats anything he wants to, and exercises as much as time allows, (which is at least 30 minutes daily.)

Is he perfect? Of course not, the man will occassionally, and by occassionally I mean twice a year, eat something tasty, but his blood sugars are all over the place even taking his medicine, and following doctors orders religiously. Why all the diabetes talk you ask?

Cause I have it too.

It's something that never goes away. There is no cure, and diabetes reminds you it's around all day long. From feeling as though you are going to collapse cause your sugars are too low, too feeling as though you are going to pass out cause maybe you had too much pasta at a meal. Now, yes, it's possible to live a full life and keep blood glucose levels under control...just ask Wilford Brimley, Tommy Lee, and B.B. King but do you have to deny yourself everyday? You bet your ass.

Both my father and I have had doctor's tell us in layman's terms, "if it tastes good, don't eat it." Awesome, so bowls of dogshit for the rest of my life and I will live to be 70 if I'm lucky. If heart attack, blindness, stroke, amputation due to poor circulation or infection doesn't get me.

Sorry for the negative but in case you can't guess, my blood sugar is on the high side.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Erin Go Bragh!!!

So here I am, awake at 4:15am on this, the greatest of holidays, St. Patrick’s Day, and I am drinking…coffee.  No need for more abuse than absolutely necessary.  I’m thinking about being totally cliché and going to the parade and then maybe someplace to get a corned beef brisket sandwich and maybe a Guinness or two.  Part of me feels compelled as I owe it to the Citrus Queen™.  We spent two good St. Paddy’s days, among a few others, three sheets to the wind, without a care in the world.  Winowhere will do that to a person.

I didn’t post at all yesterday and I’m not sure why.  Could have been the lackluster response to my three post Tuesday, but I need to remember is that it’s not about the hits or the comments, it’s about getting what’s locked up in my head out.  I’ve been feeling less than normal lately, this does not include the ever dissipating pain in my knee (Praise God!) nor the case of the congestisniffs I seem to have had for the better part of three months.  I don’t know if I’m losing my grasp on things, I mean I don’t think so, as I don’t feel fucking crazy and believe me, I’ve been to the edge before.

Now that I am actually thinking about it, instead of trying to sleep or ignore everything important in my life through video games, reading and the ever dwindling interweb, this new sense of uncertainty seems to be coming from my own self doubt.  I recently decided my next move is to become a teacher.  I will have to go back to college and double major in education and English, but when I’m done, I will be able to go out and help young people.  Yes, nursing is something which would allow me to help people as well, but when it comes down to it, I started college as a secondary ed major and was told I was not smart enough to get into the program.  I was not smart enough to get into the program but I was smart enough to still be accepted into the college and have them take my $$$.  Whatever, no more bitching, I love adversity and I love being able to stick it to those who told me I couldn’t.

So as far as I am concerned, I am telling the little voice in the back of my head to go fuck itself cause I have a plan and a mission.  The only thing that can stop me now is me.

Things I care...

so little about I almost passed out. I was driving to dinner with my brother, his gf and the parents when I heard of a new reality show in the works. Celebrity Food Fight was the title that made my asshole pucker. The premise of the show is celebrities go to the market to find the ingredients, bring them back to real, accomplished chefs and then the meal is prepared. Oh and all of this has to be done in 90 minutes. Both Star Jones and Burt Reynolds said they would be very interested in participating, should the show make it into a weekly run. Right...you know what gets me about this? Food Network was the last network I had any sort of respect for cause they hadn't sold out. Now this crap....Star Jones?...Burt fucking Reynolds?....Are you fucking kidding me?

In other news...

Coming to you live from the Nerdery: Today gamers world-wide, (myself included) were waiting to hear what Sony Chief, Ken Kutaragi was going to say about the Playstation 3. Let the record show at this point...I don't even care anymore. There have been so many delays and rumors and whatnot, that unless the console comes bundled with $100,000,00 in cash or a unit to suck my dick, I am in no hurry to purchase one. Games on my PS2 are still impossible enough to sustain my frustration, and by frustration I mean enjoyment for at least another year or two. Here are some of the lowlights.

† PS3™ will launch in Japan, Europe and North America in early November 2006. Wow only 9 more months for you to wait before the shelves are emptier than Paris Hilton's head. I'm sure when it comes available for pre-ordering, those tickets are going to mean about as much as an, "I'm sorry" from Dick Cheney. Released just in time to ruin the holiday seasons of parents and children alike. The rioting will be recockulous, like shit we haven't seen since the glory days of the Xavier Robert's Cabbage Patch Debacle. But hell, aren't the holidays about killing one another over oil, I mean presents, I mean religion?

† Captain Ken confirmed the PS2™ will continue to retail for $149.99. There will be no price drop until long after the release of the PS3™. Thanks Ken, we've only been waiting for the PS3 to launch about as long as most christians have for the second coming of Christ.

† There will be great advances and releases for the PSP™. Great...sorry Ken, I love your products and company and video games, but I'm not shelling out $250 for a PSP™. I have never been a fan of portable gaming, never owned a gameboy or anything like it. Last time I rocked a hand held, I was scoring touchdowns with Mattle Electronics™. It's cool the PSP™ team is doing great and wonderous things, but from what I hear, the PS3™ development team could use a hand. Remember Ken, there is no I in team.

I could go on but you can check out the rest of the sheeyat over here.


This is what I currently have my teeth in right now. Klosterman does a good job at taking a look at pop culture from the thinking persons POV. Even though I am only about a third of the way through I like the essay style of the chapters, as well as the often humorous footnotes. I will go ahead and stamp my Called Out seal of approval on this one.



In closing, Friday is St. Patrick's Day. If you're of Irish decent, Erin Go Braugh! Remember that negative sterotypes come in all ethnicities and colors and even though we are God's favorite sons and daughters, enjoy yourselves without needing someone to pick you up out of the gutter or a puddle of your own fluids. Everyone wants to be Irish on St. Paddy's day but no one wants to be the sack of shit passed out on the front stoop by two in the afternoon. The same goes for you non-Celts. Just cause it's a drinkin' holiday does not me you can swill like booze is never gonna be made again, while wearing your, "kiss me, I'm shitfaced" tshirt, act like an asshole and not expect some (hopefully) 50 year old man named Paddy, or Fitzy or Murph to knock your fucking ass out for being disrespectful. We're a proud people and it goes a lot farther than Blarney stones, U2 and corned beef & cabbage.

Those things having been said, I'm gonna go practice smiling and being happy. From the tone of this post, I'm sure you'll think it never happens.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. None of this bullshit either!

Sgooood...

3:37 and I have just finished my FIRST cup of coffee. That will tell you what kind of day I've been having. Lotsa bs errands to take care of today. Dropped some stuff off at work I needed to keep from being fired, as well as keep my health insurance....this is muy importante!

After went to CVS...hate, hate, HATE! that fucking place, but it's where I pick up my drugs. The ones that keep me alive and not the ones that make me dance the hully-gully. Before both of the aforementioned things there was my final physical therapy appointment. It went well and the knee feels pretty good. I'd give it high 80% if not in the 90's. There is always going to be some lack of flexibility, it just comes with my age, my weight, and the abuse my hinges have taken over the years.

That said, I have to go to dinner tonight with my parents. I'm assuming my brother and possibly the gf are going to be there. I like the gf, I really do, but she mentioned something about PETA being rediculous and who the fuck thinks that except, puppy-hating republicans? I respect peoples right to eat meat or not eat meat, to wear fur or not wear fur, to vegan kosher or not vegan kosher, but to come out and make a comment about, "People who think PETA is a good idea being annoying"...that just chaps my ass. I don't know, maybe I'm wound a little tight, maybe I should just let it go?

At any rate, I am currently playing Star Wars Battlefront, the first one, cause it's $19.99 and I'm also reading, "Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman. I recommend both however the Battle for Endor in single player mode, IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taylor Mali

For the uninitiated, Taylor Mali is a poet. Taylor has been on championship caliber teams from Providence, RI & New York and has a way with words that can make your head spin. He features wherever he can and is always up for a game of Scrabble.™ Taylor has appeared on several episodes of Russell Simmon's, Def Poetry to the delight of viewers worldwide. Taylor, a former school teacher, has made it is personal mission to recruit 1000 new teachers through his poetry. While not quite there yet, to hear him perform, "What Teachers Make" is enough to inspire anyone to take up the cause for education.

Taylor recently posted a 202 word sentence in his journal. Not to shabby. If you are not of the slam poetry persuasion, at least give his journal a look. (link posted below) He's a pretty interesting guy with a lot to say. In a time in age of many people talking about nothing, Taylor is a breath of fresh air.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taylor Mali - Journal

There is some kind of death squad running through my body and it's not a good time. I have been feeling like the proverbial "dogshite" for the past 4-5 days. Some type of virus that masquerades as a cold/headache/cough-cough/sniffles/stuffy head/oh wait, we forgot to tell you you're gonna blow out your anus disease.

I have a serious case of ring-sting, bunghole en fuego, bungsoon, bungnami, bungicaine , bungdoom and if I have to spend anymore time on the toilet, (who has graciously decided to not donkey punch me and overflow) I'm just gonna take off my pants and sleep nude in the back yard until its over. One way or another, I come out on top.

Looks like this dude pressed his luck one time too many. It's too bad he was doing volunteer medical flight work when he bit it. It's nice to see people from Hollyweird doing good deeds, you know giving something back. For the uninitiated, that's Peter Tomarken, host of Press Your Luck. Yes, the no whammies...no whammies...no whammies...STOP! game. Sorry about the lack of hangtime dude, you will be missed.

Ok, back to me...

Yeah I'm really hungry and trying to figure out what the hell I am going to eat that is not going to make me shit like I have a wild strain of ebola in me. Something is telling me hash and eggs is not the best idea. However, I know this to be true most of the time. Maybe just a bagel with some cream cheese and a cup of tea. Nothing to volatile there eh? Maybe if your lucky I will let you all know how that goes depending on whether or not I have to hunker down on the ass bunker again.

I'm not listening to anything good today. I was listening to the audiobook version of Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz. I like it. I cant stay awake through it but it's kind of like having someone there to tell you a bed time story whenever you want.

I hope you all are well.

NEED AN O-RING DOWN HERE!!!

Cheers,
JJ

If you can look at this picture and not think: laundry, games of pool/foosball, jukebox selections or dinner a la vending machine, congratulations, you've moved on from college.

Sunday, bloody Sunday. No, I'm not talking about the U2 song, being up on a Sunday without something to do has just always seemed a little off to me. Sunday is the day of rest, I mean come on, "the Man" said so. However practically ever type of business is open on Sunday, even some banks. If I remember correctly, this pissed someone off and they went into the temple and flipped some shit just to let people know what was up, who was in charge and what not to do on, "the day of rest." See, he wasn't just a peace n' love, dirty hippy.

So here I sit, clackity-clacking for you, for me, for anyone willing to listen. I listen all the time. Not to myself though. If I did, I'd be in better heath, better spirits and probably better of financially. C'est la vie, why even bother looking at it. Hindsight is always 20/20 and if I get any more cliche in this post, please remind me to kill myself.

Sunday is my favorite day...when I don't have to work. These past couple of months off of work have spoiled me, but also reminded me that I need to get out of my line of work. Find something a little more suited to my likes and dislikes. After some soul searching, I finally know what that one thing is and now it's time to persue it. I'm not going to mention any details here cause if I do, I'm afraid my dreams will turn into nothing more than hot air. So for now we'll keep them under wraps until I have started to go down that path.

Breakfast with coffee, the internet, while listening to Bob Mould's magnificent band, Sugar on a gray Sunday morning, it doesn't get much better than this.

Well I guess it could, but not for me, at least not this week.

If you can look at this picture and think: busfare, lunch/gas money, a little jingle towards prescriptions, welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Update...

My fucking toilet is on the Mondale, if you know what I mean. It flushes and then decides if it is going to donkey punch me or not. This is a new development and I'm sure I'm not in favor of this being an everyday thing. Maybe this is the result of my impulse buy of a blender and the smoothie binge that I went on. Not that this caused any sort of Herculean bowel movements, but my enjoying anything in life, well that just can't be good.

It's late, I should be sleeping but I am enjoying the night time freedom as long as I can. I'm sure I will be going back to work sometime soon so I need to bask in the glory that is not having to get up. A sane person would not be drinking the coffee I am drinking at such a late hour. This shit is delicious but barely human by any stretch of the imagination. It's the kind of coffee that Bob Kelso would describe as, "putting a hop in your step and your ass in the john." Watch out toilet...I'm coming for you.

Chilling and listening to the Garden State soundtrack. It's a good one and probably one of my favorites in awhile. Waiting for the "W" to call me with details of why his night was so bad. I love when I get text messages about friends running covert ops, and they refuse to give any info at all. Whatever...you'd think by this age we'd all be over that shit. At any rate, Colin Hay can sing his ass off. That dude is just talented and I often wonder about the demise of Men At Work. Was their time up? Was there infighting in the bad? Or did everyone want to take their spoils and go and lives the lives they had planned for themselves, before they became wildly famous?

Either way I'm still glad Colin has resurfaced both in the music and performing circles. Seeing him on the second season of Scrubs was hilarious. I'm also pleased this is the first time in a few weeks I've been able to sit here and clackity-clack and not be freezing my twig and berries off. This could be the start of something wonderful.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The New Regime...

I just came back from Tim Horton's. Not only was I in and out of the drive-thru in less than two minutes, I got courteous service, hot coffee, and after just finishing my cup, I "rolled up the rim and won a free coffee." Sunday is shaping up to be ok.

FUCK YOU, DUNK!!!

Savages...

Still think we are there to liberate and free people?

This is nothing more that assault, possibly attempted murder. Fuck this war, fuck the president and fuck those cowardly limey fucking scumbags.

Nothing like 4-5 on 1. Especially when the Iraqui kids are begging to not be beat. They should fucking hang the cameraman from a bridge and set his ass on fire.

People wonder why this coalition is hated so much?

There is your answer.

This week has...

been somewhat wacky. Nothing really out of the ordinary, but just a few things here and there. It snowed again, which was fan-fucking-tastic. I love shoveling. Anyway, like I was saying, nothing very out of the ordinary. The trainers at the center for orthopaedics, where I go three times a week to torture my knee, have decided to up my weights this week. I have only recently started to work my hamstrings, which if any of you have had a knee injury you've had to rehab, know is the same as asking to be brutally tortured. So my weights went up and after they measured to see how much flexibility I have regained.....they decided to raise my weights again.

Hold on, hold on to yourself, cause this is gonna hurt like hell...... Thanks Sarah but I think I can handle it from here.

So about two nights ago, I was hit with a bout of insomnia. I managed to tire myself out by about 4am and hit the hay. I woke a little after 7:30am, remembering bits and pieces of a dream and feeling as though I had been hit by a truck. One thing I noticed along time ago, after I had stopped partaking of the herbal enchantment, I was able to remember my dreams. This can either be a good or bad thing. For me, a self-proclaimed writer, this was a good thing. Thursday night I had a dream where the majority of females I have ever gone to school with or in some cases even met once...aske me to have sex with them.

All of these invitations came via cellphone of course. Which makes me wonder how the girl I would have thrown myself to the wolves for in gradeschool, (who turned into the town bike in high school) got my cell #. Anyway, in the dream I drove from one rendevous to another, never actually meeting any of the prospective "fuckers" if you will, just driving from one phone call to the next.

When I finally awoke, what seemed like after 20 minutes of sleep, I was so flabbergasted at the nature of the dream, I needed some time awake to either think or not think about it. Part of me thought it was my subconscious telling me, "YOU REALLY NEED TO GET LAID." Part of me thought it may have been cause I was contacted by roadhead this week and another part of me just felt it was a random experience. Regardless, I felt so horrid when I awoke, I knew enough not to put coffee in me. I had a huge cup of chai and after knew more bed was in order. I awoke somewhere after 11am feeling much, much better.

FAST FORWARD TO TODAY

I received my Emergen-c energy booster "with joint health" in it yesterday. I know I have told you all about the healing wonders this stuff is for hangovers. Well, let me just tell you this, I am about 3 packages in and already the pain in my damaged knee has subsided noticably. Do I think it's a cureall....no, but I do think anything that helps me to feel less pain is good. I was able to take a nap this afternoon, in a semi-comfortable position and woke up feeling rested and refreshed, without having to kick-start my leg.

During my nap I had another odd dream, this one was a little more tame but still worth mentioning. I had a dream that I was meeting Tony Pierce for lunch. I don't know if I was interviewing him or what but he had agreed to meet me and hang out for a bit. Tony showed me around his place and then we went someplace to dine outside, eat great food and drink sangria. I thought this odd as I had never heard Tony mention sangria, but what the hell do I know about LA right? I'm from the asshole of the east coast. Lunch was good, and I can't remember specifics but I felt as though I had a great time. Tony encouraged me to blog more and just relax and it would all happen for me as long as I was honest with myself and everyone else.

(SIDENOTE:I am for the most part, but if there are things I think will hurt those I love or careabout, I will either phrase them very delicately or not at all.) Tony thanked me for the time and I told him the pleasure was all mine. We shook hands and like the old, old Star Trek, Bro disappeared like Scotty was beaming him up. See guess you don't really need a car in LA!

Sometimes the biggest forms of inspiraish, come in the form of the smallest naps.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Linkage...

Checkout some photos of Winter-y goodness with Boom!

Check out more photo goodness with Dave!!

Then make your self a smoothie and enjoy a huge bowel movement!

Cheers,
JJ

I dont crush...

I just hate a lot.

I’m many things. A nice guy, a guy with good taste in music, a guy who has read a few books, a guy who has traveled a bit, a guy who has a good sense of humor, a guy your mom and dad will love.

One thing I am not, I am not the guy to be fucking with.

I am not a guy who is going to put up with endless amounts of bullshit from you, especially if you have not previously broken my heart. If you haven’t penetrated the inner-cockles of my heart by now, good luck.

“Well Jackass Jimmy, sounds like you are an unforgiving, miserable, heartless bastard.” One moment my friend! While I will give you that Winter & morning in general can make me curmudgeonly and sometimes miserable, this is not my overall disposition. As for unforgiving, I have forgiven those in need as well as those deserving. Do I do it a lot…not really, but does anyone? Heartless, I know this not to be true because I have swept my heart up off the floor many, many times.

See when someone knocks on your door after several weeks of no contact, one has to be suspicious, at least I do. You wanna be cute and play the text message game, that’s fine, I can do that and get shit accomplished at the same time…I’m a multi-tasker. I’m doing laundry and scratching the inside of my asshole as I type this. However like the masters before me, MiYagi and Yoda, JackassJimmY has also been blessed with the Y. As in Y you gotta fuck with me?

Karate yes or karate no, karate guess so…squish like grape. Do or do not…there is no try.

Talking and talking and talking, about the weather, about showers, about other inane bullshit is like getting a handjob from that chick in high school. You know the one I’m talking about. She never really liked you, she just wanted to go out for the free grub and movie, and to offer the worst handjob ever, just so she could tell everyone how small your dick was and how badly she blueballed you.

Fuck that.

That should be considered criminal on some level. At any rate, I’m up,(no pun intended) I have had my first cup of coffee for the day, and things are shaping up to be bloggerific. Maybe I will relax later on. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my but too.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

Pregnant in 30 minutes or less!!!

Pizza Magnate Seeks Catholic-Governed Town - Yahoo! News

I know I...

have mentioned my distain for Winter lately & I also know Spring is right around the corner, but it can't come fast enough.

today, when my physical therapist mentioned we're due for another 2-4 inches, I just hung my head like I farted in class. I have been out of work for over two months, with a knee that feels as though its in pieces and though the therapy is helping, I have had to shovel a shitload of snow without any help from a more than capable brother. So forgive me if I don't share in everyone's joy over the chance to make one more snowman.

Moving right along...

I did something today I haven't done in a long time. I came home from pt, had a bite to eat, threw on some music and took a nice afternoon nap. I haven't done this since college and forgotten what a wonderful thing the afternoon snooze is.

200 years ago back in 1998, my roommate and I would often come home from class and if there were not meetings or study sessions to attend, &/or we didn't feel up to marathon NHL '99 sessions, often there was "the snooze." Depending on our level of exhaustion, our options were (most often) bed, but on occassion there was the huge couch that would allow us to sleep comfortably head to foot. (Keep in mind this was a standard dorm room, it's wasn't like we were living in an apartment on or off campus.) The playlist for the snooze was short and very, very selective and difficult to get on.

1. Miles Davis: Sketches of Spain / Kind of Blue
2. Tony Bennett: All Time Greatest Hits
3. Enigma: Enigma3: Le Roi Est Morte, Vive Le Roi!
4. Ani DiFranco: Dilate
5. Third Eye Blind: Third Eye Blind

Our door was always open and constantly people would come in and find us snoozing, sometimes under throws, sometimes not, but always be it man or woman, they would stare like a confused puppy at the sight of two men on a huge couch. It got to the point where people would come in and not say anything. This grew old and if they did not speak within 30 seconds or so, roomie or I would just point to the door. Most people got the hint, with the exception of Citrus Queen, but she was exempt from this and many other rules, as she was the Queen and had carte blanche of waking us up too.

So when I settled down under my 30 degree and up blanket, with BT's Satellite on repeat, I was a little sad to wake up in my house, sans roomie. However, I thought of some good times, great friends and remembered the importance of staying well rested.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

It's been a...

tough week already. We've lost Don Knotts and Darren McGavin and if anyone is lucky...Dick Cheney will drop dead in about ten minutes. We couldn't get that lucky cause then it would be open season on W's ass.

Anyway...

I haven't been posting much lately, not really sure why. I've had thoughts and opinions, saw a movie or two, even listened to a cd. Sometimes baring all for everyone becomes somewhat of a burden. Now, I'm not saying I find my blog burdensome, if anything the complete opposite, but lately there have been times when despite the ungodly amount of coffee consumed... I am actually tired. I am taking this as a sign from my body to go to bed. The inevitable return to work looms probably just over the weekend and well, I'm ready.

The knee is not 100% but I don't think it is ever going to be again. I will continue the therapy but I think the rest of the healing lies within time and prayers. "Did he just say prayers?" Yep, he did. Not to get all Jesus-y on anyone, I have been getting more in touch with my spiritual side, and not in that way you sickos. It's just something I have struggled with for the better part of my life. There was a time when blind obediance was part of my vocabulary, kind of like supporting your president.

Then I learned about free-thinking, free will, and discention. I learned it's ok to have an opinion outside of the norm and that there are people who, when they are not dying for oil or to make the richest motherfuckers on the planet even richer, are defending my life and personal freedoms. Grateful, of course I am. It just sucks good people have to get jammed up and in some cases die cause the US Government is fucked. That's all I have to say about that...


Moving right along...

Last night I was wired on coffee and tempted to post but my ramblings would have been less intelligible than Beckett's best stream of consciousness stuff. Occassionally, I will get a case of "cornholio" and just want to pontificate about nothing in general.

It's times like these that naps or marathon video gaming sessions are very helpful. Yes, if I were a crayon, I would be the color of, "dork."
During the college, the purple haze may have been just as effective, but those days are long gone.

Last night was interesting in that I had several revelations:

1. I'm too tense/high strung/ up-tight.
Could be the coffee, could just be part of who I am but the more I think about it. The more I realize I don't let myself have any fun. (Boom, now is not the time to chime in) Part of the new year will include sporadic letting go. Whether or not it is documented here has not been determined yet.

2. You need to live life to have something to write about.
I think many people/bloggers, myself included, think life is just going to happen around them and provide for endless material to post on. This is not true. There are only so many posts one can read about Grey's Anatomy or the lastest episode of the "L" word. After a while, no one gives a fuck anymore.

3. Have sex with every redhead, every other brunette and every third blonde you can.
I have no idea where this idea came from but it was revealed to me in my sleep, so I must go with the assumption this message is divine. Who am I to argue with the Great One? I am of course assuming this theory is unisex, so ladies, please feel free to indulge the men in your life, or more importantly...me.

Hmmm.....seems as though the AM coffee and Jimi Hendrix are making me a bit itchy so, I need to get up on outta here. I will however leave you with this.

Buckcherry's new single, "Crazy Bitch" from their forthcoming album "Fifteen" will be the Stripper Anthem of 2006. You heard it here first.

Rest in Peace gents...

When you get...

woken up at 8am on a Sunday, "the day of rest" by the parentals, not just on the phone but in your living space, all bets are off. Chances are locks are getting changed as soon as weather gets warmer. Which brings me to my next point. Winter is still here and in effect. Fuck Winter! I'm so tired of being bundled up and layered, I'm ready to scream.

The only thing keeping me warm this Winter have been Tim Horton's coffee, my anger and Haugty Melodic. I'm running out of things to be angry about but I'm sure I'm not thinking hard enough. Maybe I need to read the news today before I make that statement. So, when I get woken that early, coffee is the first order of business. My dad, understanding this, brought me a coffee and left it as a peace offering. Good move, white man. However, that was just an opener, an aperitif if you will. Upon rising, taking the morning piss and pulling on the giveups, I needed more and was not in the mood to stomach a cup of my, "atom-smashing" homebrew.

Running shoes, hoodie, hat(e), keys. Fuck my wallet and ID cause it's Sunday and cops in this town can fucking blow me. I pulled into the T-ho's drive through and got my Cafe Mocha. Guys, say what you want but, I like coffee and I like chocolate. I once new a manly man who would enjoy chocolate after a good cigar and a scotch. Personally, putting shit on fire in my mouth is not my idea of tasty, but whatever you're into. However, I will go toe to toe with a motherfucker if they call my coffee, "girlie."

That having been said, I sit here and clackity-clack out the "called out goodness" "the gospel according to Jackass," if you will, sipping on my deliciously sinful, cafe mocha....on the Lord's day nonetheless. This provides me with a nice segue into my next topic. I have been reading the New Testament. Before everyone moves to a new page, I am just curious as to the differences in the gospels. However, I do think I should read the book cover to cover as I have spent most of my life in catholic schools.

Anyway...

So far the thing most apparent to me is that all the Great JC said was, "don't be an asshole to anyone and we're cool." This includes, "look at how much $$$ I have, how Republican I am and you can't smootch on /marry that person cause they have the same equipment as you."

As far as I'm concerned, there maybe a ton of people in a "holding pattern" when it all goes down. Time to Git yo'self right with Jesus.

I hope you all are well...and warm.

Fuck Winter!

Cheers,
JJ

I hate...

illness. Especially when I gots shit to do. I thought of posting pictures of me...today, but when you got a face that scares women and children, posting pics of your lovely mug when you are ill is not the best idea either.

yeah, I know I haven't been posting consistently....so what? I talk when I talk, when I feel I have something to say, blogger will not dictate this. Not even the coolest people around talk everyday. Actually, in my mind, its the people who don't talk all that much at all but when they do, they have some great shit to say, that are cool.

Dubya...that motherfucker should open his mouth to eat and that's it. Fred Durst should have his mouth welded shut and V.P. "shotgun" dick, well all that ever comes out of his mouth is, "blah blah blah...I"m the origin of evil...blah blah blah."

I need food, or sleep or coffee.

Go fuck a goat!

Cheers,
JJ

Good Morning and...

this is the size of my usual first cup of the day.

Happy President's day. Although with these two evil and murderous shitheads in office, I'm not really sure what there is to be happy about.

At any rate, we can be happy I am posting again. Just to get everyone caught up to speed, including myself, here is a recap.

It's fucking cold here ...AGAIN. At one point last week, it was almost 70 degrees. 70-fucking-degrees. Yesterday, at one point it was like 10 with the wind chill, (which as far as I am concerned, means it was 10 yesterday and not 25, but feeling like 10.) Friday night, I went out and had drinks with the boss and the bosses boss and their recockulous friends. All you need to know is that I had nothing to eat since breakfast, and that by the end of the night I was looking for someone to punch. Yeah...I'm a very happy drunk but this is just one more reason I don't drink on a regular basis. I find JackassJimmy can be just as much fun, if not more...without help from Mr. Budweiser or any of his fucking associates.

Yesterday was spent dicking around and talking about new ventures creative and otherwise. The "W" and I may... and I mean "MAY" be launching a new site. He wants to code something for his linux box to see if he can. While he will take care of all things technical, he put me in charge of creative development. Fine, I agree I have creative flair, but I'm much more of a "row the boat" kind of guy rather than steer the boat. For something we're only going to do until, "it's not fun anymore, " we've already put in some serious time. Let's just say there have been meetings and flowcharts already and we're but two guys...and this is a HOBBY.

I kind of get somewhat worked up as "W" figures since I blog, this will not be a big deal. Sure, I blog, but coming up with ideas for content for a page, every week, and then actually getting written...might be a bit much. Especially if I am trying to start my MA this summer. I have a buddy I may be able to bring in to help out, however, "W" doesn't seem jazzed about that idea...something about all the glory...blah blah blah.

To our right we have the major purchase I made yesterday. When one can get a drive such as this, if you have the means, I highly recommend it. 200 gigs for $39 bucks, makes daddy very, very happy. It also gives the riaa just one more reason to hate me as much as they do.

Getting back on track, there was a small hangover...yet another reason JJ says, "FUCK DRINKING!!!" However since I found the mother of all hangover cures, move over Pedialyte and FUCK YOU GATORADE...this shit is where it's at.


I'm not really how or why it works but it does and cuts recovery time I would say in half if not more. Yeah, for the recreational booze hound or barroom hero who needs to hold down a job, this stuff may save you and your relationship. Tell em JackassJimmy sent you.

That's about it, I have no coffee and that's a problem. I sit here and swill Diet Pepsi Twist as I pound this post out. There are worse things I could be drinking, but right now, I can't think of any. Have a good one.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

One last time...

I know, I know...it's been like a week since I have posted anything. When I started blogging, I told myself I would never apologize for not writing...cause that's just lame. I don't really feel the need to explain my postage or lack thereof to the two maybe three of you (THANK YOU) who read this rag. When you really think about it, bloggin really is like having a conversation who does nothing but talk about themselves. It's the kind of conversation where you know when you are speaking, the other person is only waiting for you to finish, not even listening to anything you're saying. When I know this is going on in reality-reality versus virtual reality, I usually start talking about that one time in college when I was so drunk I blew a horse or the field trip I took to JFK's balloon farm on Mars.

I LOVE WHEN NO ONE NOTICES...that's the cue to get more coffee or just get up and walk away mid-sentence. Yes, I know this is rude, but I am a jackass and my time on this planet is short.

At any rate, I wrote a really kickass post on Saturday, complete with pics from my day and everything. I wrote and wrote and wrote and edited and spellchecked, everything your 10th grade creative writing teacher would ask of you. When it was all said and done, I was so pleased with it I couldn't wait to hit publish. Yep, I just had to get it out there on the web...(I know you see where this is going and if not, well, just look into the sunset) So, I hit publish post and the typical publishing stuff came up. I'm not really sure what it was that told me something was very wrong but I just had a gut feeling. I winced and cringed and hoped. Blogger told me everything was ok, stroked my back and patted me on the head. Blogger told me my post was safe as a kitten in the arms of a gorilla. Blogger told me everything was cool and just to come back in ten minutes and republish my blog.

I really didn't know wtf they were talking about, but there were pictures to guide me through the process, so I was somewhat comfortable with everything. So I went and checked gmail...checked some of my favorite blogs/sites....went to the bathroom...got a snack and something to drink...and then went back to "republish my blog."

I got the same bullshit "situation normal" message for the better part of 2 hours. I know, I know, "dude, it's gone just let it go." It was true and deep down I knew it was gone. "Gone" like one of my favorite songs by the Bouncing Souls. Gone like all of the kickass poetry I used to woo women in college. Gone like the integrity of the United States. I'm nowhere near as cool as Han Solo, but sure did wince and want to fire on my computer when blogger donkey punched me with an abscence of love.

I was just flat out pissed and not in the mood to redo everything. That my dear friends is why you are reading this. This drivel, this blogsturbation™, if that's not a word...I'm trademarking it as of right now. I give anyone permission to use it, just give me credit or the digital ninja is coming for your ass!

Thats about all I have for right now. I just read a story about the deal Oprah Winfrey inked with XM Radio. It works out that she will be making almost a million dollars a show. Does she really need it? Come on, if she is not the richest woman in the world, she has to be so close to #1 that she can hear her cunt sweating. I would hope she would take some of that money and just donate it to people who need it. I did volunteer work in inner-city Chicago while I was in college. You think the footage from Iraq is bad? People need to step outside their comfort zones once in a while. There are things here that rival, if not surpass the poverty & desperation of the Middle East.

ok...I won't beat y'all anymore.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Fuck Snow...

AND HERE MY FRIENDS, IS THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY....almost!

Don't worry Jonny, we haven't sold out. Yet again another weekend where the prospect of getting out and doing things is foiled by an oncoming ass-fuck of snow. There are worse things I know, but being stuck in the house due to injury, I am going a bit fucking stir crazy. I mean there are only so many books one can read, video games one can play and movies (dirty or otherwise) one can watch, before you wake up everyday with a headache, a hard-on and a case of playstation thumb.

Friends, Romans and countrypeoeple have all asked if I have seen the Doppler radar report of the impending doom. If I had, I might be motivated to do something besides sit in front of the computer and bitch. I need to go to the market cause if nothing else, I need more Diet Dr. Pepper. My stomach is not going to let me power through this one on coffee alone. If I tried...I'd probably shit out my lower intestine. Fun, huh? I thought so.

Hmmm. What supplies does one need? I have a couple of cans of soup. I should get some pasta or maybe some of those fucking lean cuisines. The other day I was at the market and I saw two women, at a combine total weight of 2375lbs. filling their cart with those Banquet frozen dinners. A free game of bowling...ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Besides being catastrophically bad for you, just because something is 5-$5, does not mean you have to eat all of them. "NO...NO GET THE CHICKEN...THE FUCKING BBQ CHICKEN!!!"

It's times like these where I have to do everything in my power to not address the situation in the following manner: "Excuse me, fat bitches? Hi, Jackass Jimmy. I couldn't help but overhear your unnecessary use of profanity there a second ago. Over food too, wow...that's wild. I can't help but think land masses like yourselves would not want to draw attention to yourselves. I mean the smell alone is bad enough, but the visuals are well...just horrific. Please keep in mind this is a family market and uses of the words "motherfucker" and "cunt" really are frowned upon. Normally, this is when I say goodbye and walk away as Little Debbie's muffled cries for help try to escape imprisonment between the fat-flaps.

Moving right along...

This morning I went to my favorite all time place for breakfast, Karen's Kitchen. In the heart of Esmond's Mill District, if one chooses to get up early enough, you can have a good breakfast, with coffee and all that shit for about 4 bucks. Suck my filthy dick, Ronald McDonald!

Karen's is only open from 5am till noon and the chances of you being insulted by the staff or hearing some f-bombs being dropped are very good. However, the food is hot & tasty, served quickly and you can get in and out in a half hour, no sweat. This morning I opted for the bacon n' cheese omelet and a glass of milk. Coffee was offered but as previously mentioned, I fear taking a shit and hearing my stomach make the Nestea plunge into the bowl due to the SICK...JUST SICK amount of coffee I have been drinking. It was busy but I still managed to have a good morning meal.

After breakfast, I went and put some $$$ in the bank and then went to see an old friend. There was a gift card I had been saving for awhile. My mood being less than spectacular, a little musical-retail therapy was just what I needed. Like most dudes, I love bestbuy, however I could not deal with the magnitude of clusterfuck that was going to be on a Saturday AM.

So I went to Newbury and had my pick of music, toys, collectibles and any other tchochke shit one could think they need. I go to this store for three reasons.

1. Selection: As far as music stores go, the only place that is going to have more is iTunes, who buy the way "have killed the art of the browse."

2. Prices: Newbury is fair to the consumer and I think their customers show a great deal of loyalty. It's easy to buy from iTunes or just steal shit off of the net, but when you are able to get what you want at a fair price, I don't think you mind spending the cake.

3. Mike Z. : Probably the main reason I still shop at Newbury versus any other chain or major retailer. This dude is the most pretentious, "I weep for your future due to your poor taste in music" head-shaking motherfucker on the planet. I have gone into Newbury to legitimately buy gifts for people and had this guy make me feel like I was purchasing the "kidz bop" catalogue. Let's just say if you were going to buy someone Limp Bizkit for Christmahannakwanzika, this would not be the place to do it.
Now this is not to say Mr. Z is unforgiving. I have also made purchases he has been indifferent about and on some occasions, bought things that have caused him to smile or *gasp* engage me in conversation. Titles I suggest if you would like the aforementioned treatment. Anything by Interpol. My Bloody Valentine's "Loveless" later selections from the beatles catalogue and Less than Jake's "losing streak" should do the trick. However, I make no guarantees on this. Mike, is like a sleeping grizzly bear and if you poke him on the wrong day, well than just go put your selections back and try again another day. A bit tedious but it's what makes shopping at Newbury such an adventure.

I hope you all went and bought your milk/bread/batteries for the storm. I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Peace Beast

I'm sure I've mentioned how much I hate the pursuit of the fairer sex before. I'm sure I have spoken about it quite often actually.

After this weekend's fiasco of hooking up with a chick and her telling me, "she was totally into me" and then two days later dumbski-ing me and telling me she was drunk and that, "we could hang out, but nothing else was going to happen..."

"How you gonna act like my shit don't BLING?!?!"

1. FUCK YOU FOR WASTING MY TIME!!!
Life is short enough to have to put up with your relentless, inane bullshit. Just say what you mean and be a fucking adult. This is not highschool, we're not going to be BFF, at least not now.

2. DRUNK?!?!?...BITCH, PLEASE!
Telling me you don't drink all that much when you know full well, the only reason you didn't fuck me 2 years ago was, you were so drunk, they put your ass outside in a kiddie pool until, you were done vomitting whatever kool-ade and bullshit, girl drink conconcotion you were draining the fridge dry of. Happy Birthday.

3. BUD LIGHT
Anyone over the age of 14, who has smelled alcohol before, can drink this marvelous libation all night long, still possess all of their mental accuity and faculties and still be aware that they are throwing themselves at someone. There is no empirical nor scientific evidence that someone has gotten "blackout drunk" on BL. EAT A DICK!!!

4. SHAME
It's a normal human emotion. Some of us deal better with it than others. Apparently I don't meet the standards for your Flintstone-esque, Rockstar lifestyle. Cool, I've been dumped, fucked over, spat on by the best. This lame attempt at making me feel like a fucking jerk is nothing more than a mild annoyance. Am I bitter? Only a tad and only cause my time is precious. Just a reminder, they are taking applications for the next round of, "The Biggest Loser, " which you should be a shoe in for. Oral Hygiene is good, you should try it. Sperm although high in protein & low in calories, does not contribute to "minty-fresh-come-here-&-make-out-with-me" breath. Maybe this won't work cause I've never known anyone to successfully brush their teeth with a cock in their mouth. However, there is a first time for everything.

5. ATTIRE
You work at a retail establishment that sells clothes that will not only fit, but make you more attractive and maybe, just maybe lift that struggling self esteem. Just cause your friends dress like, "whores gone wild" doesn't mean you have to. Word to the wise, GUNTS are not cool.

SMELL YA LATER!

Selling the Drama...

People always want details and who am I to disappoint? So after further review, Friday night was...fun but not in that, "I could totally give it a thumbs up" kind of way.

Our evening begins in Peter Seychelle's comfortable study...wait, that's not right.

Our evening begins at Memphis Roadhouse, home of some kickass meat and barbeque anything. Let me preface this by saying, I have never had a meal here that was was less than awesome, in that, "fatguy gettin' his eat on" kind of way. Normally the dry rib/chicken combo is my thing but seeing as I was going to be doing some drankin' later on, and the prospect of there being suitable toilet accomodations available, I went with the Carolina Combo. This was like pulled pork, beans, cole slaw and & heapin' helping of attitude from our waitress, who by the way, was crazy and upset cause she had a lot of tables.

After a round of pulled pork that was good but had no sauce on it, (more like wet wood chips)and almost dying of thirst between drinks, we decided, to go to old reliable bar. NOTE TO ALL WAITSTAFF: Your tip sometimes depends on how thirsty a guy gets during dinner.
Hint: GET A NEW JOB

leaving the Roadhizzle, we jump in the vehicle and head to The Stuf, a local watering hole where drinks are strong and reasonably priced. I walk in the door & immediately notice a girl I met maybe two years ago. We were at a house party and we both had been doing some drinking. Yes, I was drunk at this party. It was one of those things you drink and mingle and with each time we found each other, we were progressivly more drunk. Things were going well and she was picking up what I was putting down, until she decided to go all out and ended up so drunk, her friends put her outside in a kiddie pool until she was going to be ok.

Yeah... See where this is going? Me too. Now some of the next part can only be speculation on my part but it would seem so. I mean I consulted the magic eightball and it said, "all sources point to yes." So there you have it.

We walk into the bar and low and behold on the other side of room is Kiddie Pool, (who for the purposes of brevity, will be refferred to as KP from here on out.) KP is staring me down like I stole something from her, and to be honest, I was a little uncomfortable. I was using all of my digital ninja skills to avoid eye contact, and it worked...until my friends sent her a drink...from me. So now I am reasonably sure there is no way I am going to avoid some form of conversation. I have been drinking diet coke at the bar, cause I was sober driver, but this called for a double shot of chilled SoCo. Shot of whiskey, shot of rum, Cardinals, Cardinals here we come! So I go and try a pre-emptive strike. Drop some conversation, and see if I can salvage anything from this.

She was overjoyed at the drink and immediately brought up the KP incident. "Great, she totally remembers we were going to get it on," was all I could think of. At this point the boys were high fiving cause, I've been on the injured reserve list for awhile and this was a "not-so" sparkling comeback. We talk, she buys a drink for me, we exchange numbers and "should totally get together sometime really soon."

I'm not feeling it. As I walk to regroup with the Alpha Male Posse, I'm still not feeling it. Another diet coke just to keep things moving, cause my stomach is in knots from a range of emotions, food and drink. They talk about how, "this is what I need, cause it's a sure thing." Anyone who has been alive more than 10 minutes knows there is no such thing as a sure thing.

Seeing as I am on the ski-jump into hell, why not go to the gentleman's club with KP and sister in tow right? That seems like a great idea! Now, I'm not against strip clubs and have been there on several occassions, but tonight was one of those nights where several parties made "back alley agreements" there would be no trips to the "den of sin." Of course I should have known these were about as meaningful as a fart in church. To the nudie we go... and of course, the one we are going to, not only do despise, but I know a guy who works as hired muscle there. So now I get to show up with all of my friends, KP&sis and do more time at the Caddie'.

At this point, I'm double-fisting bud light at $43 a bottle to keep from punching someone. KP decides she is going to make her move here and pretend to give me a lap dance. We had both had too much to drink for this to be good for anyone. In the long run there was a little grab ass here, a little smootchy smootch there. All of which made some jackhole bouncer...kick me in my bad leg and basically tell me this wasn't my apartment. He's damn right! My apartment wouldn't be decorated like a combo frat house/speakeasy nor would it smell like despair and unwashed cunt. So, this bullshit gets tired faster than Louie Anderson on a stair master. It's decided breakfast is in order, so off to breakfast we go.

Leaving the club, I find I have become a magician, cause all of my friends who came with me, HAVE DISAPPEARED. We get in the truck and I am white knuckling the wheel. Radio is on and KP has her stare locked on. I know if I blink, move, breathe...I'm dead. In my head I'm cursing the fucking turncoats who ditched me and before I know it, she is on me. These are some of those quick european kisses. Not the ones that last for a week mind you, just the ones that let you know you are kissing a smoker.

It has always been a cardinal rule of mine, that smokers need not apply, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but still not on my list of shit to do ever again. KP is quick and adept with her tongue tango. It's just enough to keep me interested without feeling like its prom night all over again. KP decides its a good time for secret weapons one and two. the shirt opens up and boobs with pierced nipples are suddenly a la carte. (Sidebar: Still not sure how I feel about the pierced nips)

I notice odd things. The truck is steaming, the engine is running and Spirit of the Radio or some fucking Rush song is playing and I remember being 15, sitting in my room listening to Rush and thinking the be all of existance would be to be able to drum like Neal Peart. More kissing, some boob play, "these nipples are freaking me out" and KP has her wandering hands on a recon mission. The men of trouser hog unit scramble. They are a little unsure about what to do since "this is not a drill." KP stops tongue-molesting me, my mouth and tonsils long enough to look at me and let me know, "We Are at RED ALERT!" The hangar door of trouser hog unit is opened and it looks like a full frontal assault is imminent. However, by the grace of God and Geddy Lee, KP's sister calls, and she answers.

Like David Ortiz, and the '04 Red Sox, I clap and point to G-O-D. Zip up and defrost the truck all in the span of a 30 second phone call. There is still light at the end of the tunnel. We got to breakfast and of course there is the mandatory after party at my bosses condo. We go, she brings me into the kitchen, 3 feet away from everyone else, and gives me another tongue lashing. I was fine...until she "told" me she was going to "seduce" me. She...TOLD...me. I had to jump into my head while this was going on and check to see if she had misused the word. Of course she had, seduce implies secretiveness or covert actions. You can't tell someone you are going to seduce them.

This lack of knowledge on her part made me angry and so I was all about gettin' the fuck outta dodge. I leave and drop off one of my good buddies and between the time I left and got home, KP had txt messaged me 3 times, all in all about 20 minutes.

I woke at 8:30 with the hammers of God pounding on my skull. I had to have a total colonic blowout, get dressed and have the rental back in 25 minutes. I was so dehydrated, one would have thought I had Parkinson's. So I do my business, (anal collateral damage) and grab a snapple. Get the truck back, avoid more fees, and down all 32 ozs of liquid goodness. Now I have no idea how I getting home and like an angel of mercy, my boss calls me to find out if I, "laid some pipe" last night. I told him no, "but he could come and get me and I would buy him breakfast."

We went and got "W" up and the three of us headed to Rockdonald's. By this point they were only serving cheeseburgers...nothing else. So two cheeseburgers, sans pickle and a lemonade later, I'm good to go...to bed. Boss drops me off and I have another battle with the bowl and now things are good. I pull back the covers, get nekkid, put fan on lightest setting and attempt to sleep the sleep of the just.

but I can't

Cause she keeps txting me.

So I wake hours later, still dehydrated and feeling as though I am going to give birth to the largest clay model ever. She calls and says she has a thing to go to tonight but that we can hang out after. "After like leave my house after midnight, after?" Fortunately, this didn't pan out and I was able to drink more water, water, diet dr. pepper, emer-gen-c and water and go back to bed.

All in all, it was a long and drawn out battle. Though there will be scars, I will be victorious.

What kind of...

Friday night did I have?

Let's just say there were some beverages, women, more beverages, scantily clad women, some making out in the car to rush's "moving pictures" like it was 1989, breakfast, strolls down memory lane, more making out, driving home at 4am, waking at 8:30, releasing the chocolate hostage & having rental back by 9, coffee, work, awakening the "W", rockdonalds, more coffee, txt messages from the previous nights labor, naptime, waking up at 7pm Saturday night dehydrated, starving and with some problems not even Dr. Pepper could fix.

Ask me if I had a good time?

The answer is no.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

There was too...

much bullshit going on yesterday for me to get a coherant and readable post out. Long story short, there were dinner and car reservations and about a million phone calls. Physical therapy with Dr. Mengele and the team from Germany in '40. All in all, yesterday was a royal pain in the ass, but it's over and things are at least at situation normal now.

I just got back from picking up the rental for tonight. A Ford Explorer and I have to admitt I like it. I've driven the Excursion, which I think is the next size up. I enjoy being up higher than the confines of the F1's cockpit. However, as I drove and took care of the AM errands, I could hear the screams of American's & Iraqui's alike dying, so I could power my, "Ford Fuck-you Mobile."

The guest of honor had some issues with flight reservations and unfortunately will not be able to make it tonight. Plans are proceeding minus one and Rock, we wish you were going to be here, but I'm sure the boys will have one in your honor.

I finally got through, "Be Cool" last night. It finally comes together towards the end, but I'll tell you...I had my doubts. It's a decent flick if you have patience for Travolta and Co. Personally, I can't stand Uma Thurman. I know she is "hot" and all but she is neith esthetically nor artistically pleasing to me. She does a good job but, it's not much of a stretch from Mia Wallace of Pulp Fiction & if I wanted to watch reruns, well I would.

Tonight I travel down to the coast to have dinner with some good friends. Good friends who happen to be guys I grew up with and guys I grew to know and love along the way. Hopefully, they won't mind the drive to the restaurant, cause I have to say, the food is awesome. Right on Narragansett Bay /the Atlantic Ocean, the view from inside is impressive and with it still being cold, and not yet tourist season, the place won't be plagued by those summer dwellers from fucking NY & NJ. Nothing but savages I tell you.

In case anyone is looking for a good cd to check out, Mae's "everglow" is really good. I have been spinning it for a couple days. In fact it's what I'm listening to right now, keeping me from smashing things with the keyboard.

Anyway...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I'm calling...

bullshit on all of it.  Bush needs better speechwriters.  This was blatantly obvious last night.  Foregoing the fact he stumbled through his speech, there was nothing said which hasn’t been said last year and years previous.  It honestly makes one wonder, “how fucking long does it take for him to be able to do ANYTHING right?”  IMO, the whole thing was a contradiction in terms and laden with hollow promises.  I know this comes as not a shock, seeing as how he is a politician, and the worst fucking liar in history, but there is not one ounce of charisma there that might make me think there is any validity to anything he says.  Yes, I know I am bitching and rambling on but seriously, why listen to a guy stand there and lie to you, tell you things are on track, and that everything is going to get better right now, when there are so many video games to play?

Another thing that goes ten miles up my ass sideways, is the fact there were things said last night, that I can’t find in any transcripts of the address, ANYWHERE.  One of the things I found most incredible was that Bush took credit for the creation of (I think he said 2 to 4 million) new jobs.  “What?  Are you fucking kidding me?”  Read the paper every day or go looking for one of those jobs.  I guarantee you, you will not be able to support a family and possibly not even yourself with one of these great new jobs.  Despite the fact the average newspaper is written on a sixth-grade reading level, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that when major American companies are cutting tens of thousands of jobs, what seems like everyday, things are not going as well as planned.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be a manager at the Burger King Lounge.  I worked to hard, and put myself in too much student loan debt, to have some asshole yell at me because there were 3 pickles on his cheese burger instead of two.

“Right now, Americans in uniform are serving at posts across the world, often taking great risks on my orders. We have given them training and equipment; and they have given us an example of idealism and character that makes every American proud. The volunteers of our military are unrelenting in battle, unwavering in loyalty, unmatched in honor and decency, and every day they are making our nation more secure. Some of our servicemen and women have survived terrible injuries, and this grateful country will do everything we can to help them recover. And we have said farewell to some very good men and women, who died for our freedom, and whose memory this nation will honor forever.” – Bushy


Those of you who read my last post, if you checked out the link I posted from Matthew Good’s Blog, with the report from truthout.org, you already know how I feel about the above statement.  I know there are isolated bad cases of bad shit in any given situation, but you should never have to worry about being victimized by people on your team.  In addition to this, having spoken with a few guys who came back from active service, who were in the shit everyday and now are having difficulty readjusting to civilian life, and are being told, “there is nothing wrong with them.” & “It’s gonna take awhile to readjust.” as their military benefits get cut everyday, why the hell would anyone reenlist?  People are losing homes, jobs & families and are being given a handshake & a pat on the head in return.  This is the reason 50,000 volunteers are being forced into extended service.

When you send guys into hell and they are grabbing wreckage off of exploded cars and vehicles on roadsides and asking local welders if they can mount this stuff on humvees, cause the US didn’t send them over with the properly equipped vehicles, or body armor for that matter, who is not going to jump ship at the first chance they get?  I mean seriously, can you blame them?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers, JJ