Uphill both ways...

Refocus: put again into focus or focus more sharply; "refocus the image until it is very sharp"

Over the past two weeks, I have repeatedly heard my dream is going to be almost impossible to make a reality, at least in any reasonable amount of time. Needless to say, this does not make me a happy camper. As a matter of fact, it makes me down-right angry. To the point where I just want to" get screaming drunk on brown liquor, break things, kill people...myself included and just give up.

and then after about 16 hours of cool down time

I stop and think and the added relaxation helps me to remember, even though my life has been challenging at times, there has been and will continue to be success.

I think back to high school. When I was told college was not an option for me because I just didn't have what it takes. That I should be a hair dresser or truck driver. Testing in the top 2% of the country in verbal ability and I'm supposed to drive a truck?

I went to college on my schedule.

Got to college and was told I would not last the first semester, by MY ADVISER.

Graduated with honors, in my program.

Realized I was never going to be able to make the kind of life I wanted with my degree, not that I wasn't skilled or capable enough to do various jobs but the label cast upon me by those considering my degree was always going to put me on the bottom of the list of candidates. So...I returned to school.

Oh, I'm sorry, did we forget to mention there is a MATH REQUIREMENT?
*sigh* fuck

Took the math class, with an instructor who gives < a shit about her students and job and managed to earn a sparkly new F.

Took same class over, very next semester and earned and A-. Screw you lazy teacher.

Now I'm hearing there is no way I will make it into the final portion of my program unless I am rocking a 3.9 or above. I have to tell you, that F and a B- in developmental psych are not making me real happy right now.

I'm pushing middle age and have figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

Once again the higher powers are telling me no. Which means only one thing to me.

"Never...Never...Never...Give Up."

Thank you Mister Churchill, thank you.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Ten AmonaThursday

I mentioned not knowing much about anything in my last post and I still hold to that belief.
However, like Will Smith, my work ethic is bananas and more than likely, you will not out work me.

That being said, again I am at a crossroads in my life.
Minor variations in time and space
Major variations in time and money
Monjor variations of the voices in my head

Which, for the record, have been quieter of late

but...

the self-doubt is creeping back, double time
and to make matters worse
there is not a whole lot of
creativity time to offset
the bookwork and concern...a.k.a.
worry
about money, career, stability

what is love?
baby don't hurt me...

refocus...refocus...refocus...refocus

It's all over...

the one thing that remains constant in my life is, the fact that the more I think I have things figured out, the less this is actually true. figured I would come back here and throw down for a while and the whole damn thing has changed, wtf-EVER. ironically enough, I'm sort of at a loss for words at this point in my life. I finally slew my math giant I mean I really kicked the shit and $4 out of him I got an A- ...never done that before at least in math and now... I am getting my ass beaten like I stole the king's gold by words something I've not had a problemo with before in my life EVER See, cause from a real young age, I learned to read real good and that translated into me being a lover of books and words comprehension and all that other shit that lets "smart people" know, 'your head is for more than keeping your hat off the floor.' and so Im torn, between not quitting the class I am in or sticking with it until the end and almost certainly earn an F ... effed if I do effed if I don't somehow I gotta get off this rock. I hope you all are well. JJ

*sigh*

This weekend I had somewhat of a freak out. I realized in 22 months, I will turn forty.

And so this is forty, and what have you done?
I guess that question bothers me with varying intensity, depending on the day of the week it comes to the front of my mind.
cause realistically, it’s always on my mind
never giving me a break
letting me catch my breath
giving me a chance at believing
things might actually turn out alright
…

someday

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Saturday morning cartoons...

where have you gone?

8:36 AM Saturday
I’m coffee’d , breakfasted and now I’m sitting here trying to come up with a believable reason to not go to the gym. Even though I was up many times urinating last night, there was still plenty of sleep. I’m not too physically tired, it’s more mental and just a general lack of motivation. Which is surprising because over the past few weeks, I’ve really been noticing progress in the mirror, in the way I look in t-shirts and in the way my jeans fit. I imagine my goal of a 36 waist is not that far away. If I keep working like I have been, maybe a month at most.

Being unemployed is really starting to fuck with my head. I think the last time I was this broke, I was 11 and hadn’t started working yet, for my Grandfather or otherwise. It’s not having money to burn that is the worst. What hurts the most is the disconnect I feel with my friends, due to living on the other side of the moon. Not only do I not get to see any of them, but if I do make the effort, the idea that I’ve just purchased my last $2000 tank of gas, ruins any joy I have during the visit. Even hitting the weights does not silence my mind completely. It does a good job of distracting and tiring me out but the incessant voices of self loathing and doubt sometimes seem to be turned up even louder, as if they are trying to compete with the metal blaring from my head phones.

I grabbed about seven job applications yesterday, no place I’d actually want to work but sometimes you have to suck it up and bend over. I am not above this. In my application gathering mission, I was becoming increasingly annoyed with the number of businesses who told me, “We don’t have applications because we’re going paperless.”…and then they would hand me a slip of paper with directions on how to get to their website to fill out an application. Um, guess what? You’re NOT GOING PAPERLESS YOU NITWIT, CAUSE YOU JUST HANDED ME A SLIP OF PAPER!!!

I’ve decided minor muscle fatigue and a case of fat-kid-itis is not going to keep me from the gym today. I’m off to put on my socks and get the hell out of dodge. Gym is only open till one today and I have a lot to get done.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not for the...

faint of heart.

Today was one of those days I just knew I was going to have to write at the end of the day
Not that anything horrible or even memorable happened, it was just a feeling I had.
Like there were demons to be exorcised and thrown out
My body is trying in vain to get back to normal
Normal blood sugar levels, normal sleep patterns
Normal everything
It almost seems pointless
As pointless as me sitting here and typing away
My fingers unfamiliar with the keyboard
Like the whole things is some foreign dance, seemingly impossible to learn
And yet we’ve done it a million times

I was bitten in the ass by nostalgia this week and I’m not sure why
I got all caught up in myself and thoughts of people I haven’t seen in so long
It doesn’t even matter any more because unless there is some huge tragedy
We’ll not see each other again
And that just makes me sad
The only thing that justifies seeing people you care about
Are incidents of death, sorrow and the like
Sure there are weddings and graduations and a christening here and there
but what about actually getting to sit down and speak with those you came to see
at length
to actually be able to talk about more than the weather
how great things used to be
and wouldn’t it be great if we could all go back for
a day
a week
a month

there are days I want nothing more
and then when I really think about it, I’m unsure
would it be as good
would I be as comfortable as I think I am now

we connected
we connected deeply whether you want to admit it or not
and I hope you are happy
I really, really do
cause there are so many parts of me that
hurt so goddamn bad when I think about you
and how fucking wonderful you are
whether you believe it or not
a pain so deep I can’t even cry cause there is no point to it
and I don’t even know anymore if seeing pictures of
you and the children
help or hurt me
but I’m too interested to look away
but too proud to reach out
cause I know you know
how I feel
how I’ve always felt
how I will feel for many years to come
and maybe that feeling is as unsettling to you
as it is to me
but I hope not
cause I want you to be happy
and not tortured by the ghosts
like I am
I wish you wonderfully peaceful days
and nights filled with fitful sleep and amazing dreams

my head hurts so goddamn bad right now and I have no idea if its caffeine, blood sugar, stress
or some Faustian combination of those three things and thinking of you
the one I can’t let go
I’ve tried
I really have and no matter what it is I think I’ve done that works
there is always something there to remind me of the time
when I still had hope
in you
in us
in myself
and right now I barely have any hope left for me
I’ve turned into everything I hated
everything I never wanted to become and was determined
not to become
and then life happened
and no matter how hard I hit back
life hit back twice as hard
and as tough as I am
I can only take so many punches
keep my guard up for so long
before the blows rain down one after another
and though I am conscious of them
I notice no difference in their force
destruction
pain
so now here I am
on the ropes
or in the
corner
wherever life wants
to whip my ass
and my eyes are swollen shut
and my give a damn has been broken since 2004
but the pills
make me numb
so I can’t feel it
so I can go on
so I can take
beating
after
beating
after
beating

…yeah this is much better than being dead
only another 30 or so years of this to look forward to
please God
someone
throw
in
my
towel

I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ

So in about...

seven hours I will be in front of a doctor.

what's is incredible about this is, I will have to tell him/her I've been off all of my medications, diabetic, anti-depressive and other wise, for almost six months.

while I think I've done remarkably well, all things considered, I'm sure Dr. Smartypants is going to look at me like I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. In some case they may be right but, without a job I have no health insurance and I know for a fact that without health insurance, just one of my medications costs $400 a month.

yeah, so I can't even imagine what a month's worth of medication, plus an office visit, plus any other hidden costs I'm sure will be thrown in there, would be. If I had to take a guess, it would be somewhere near the thousand dollar mark. Sad part is I don't even care that I've not been on my meds.

I've been eating right and working out and while I'm sure my A1c is not where it needs to be, I've been feeling pretty good. Today being the exception but I think I'm just stressed, dehydrated and need a break.

yeah I know, "WTF, DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING JOB?!?!?"

while this is true, living in the smallest house in the world, where it is all but impossible to not trip over anyone, even when you are just trying to change your mind, wears on you after a while.

I long for Sunday mornings when both of my parents are out at their weekend jobs, not because I have never loved working on Sunday but it gives me a short reprieve from having them hover over me for eighteen hours a day.

still reading, no writing, not much has changed. Guess I'll get some sleep before the mental ass-kicking I'm going to take later.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taking a few...

minutes before most boring developmental osych class ever. It's not the Prof's fault, I just could care less about the material and after losing my job, the last thing I want to think about are brains and how they do or do not work. I'm attempting to write this on a mac and the stubby keyboard, with the huge keys are giving me a hard time.

had a few throwdowns with the parents over the past week but things seem to be somewhat cooler now.

finding a job
y
not losing my fucking mind
are priorities now


there has been little to no socialization
and I blame that on
me being lazy
and gas being eleventy billion dollars a gallon
all of which make me not want to drive to the "big city"

just about an hour left before class

suppose I should get some reading done
so I don't get, "smoted".

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

38...

which is about 14 more than 24

at 24 there was less to worry about
at least that's the way it seemed to me

what was going on over the weekend
what girl was I going to talk my self out of kissing
will I have time to eat dinner and get to rehearsal on time

things like that

38 is vastly different

it's like
did I remember to fill prescriptions
did I take prescriptions
where are those damned pills again
how the fuck am I supposed to pay all these bills

when not thinking about the aforementioned
there are always the other thoughts floating in the background
how the hell am I going to pay my student loans off
when the fuck will I be able to move out of my parents basement
How many times do I have to tell them paneling/wall paper are archaic
no one uses that shit anymore

wish in one had and shit in the other
see which one fills up first

at 24 I was so busy
I had no time to listen to
the brutal voices in my head
the peoples opinions I could care less about
bad, bad fucking music

now it seems these are the only things around

Whatever...

at least I still have my library card

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. to the three or so people who didn't forget my birthday, thank you very much.

And he who,,,

forgets

another monochromatic day

not manic, nor panic, just gray and windy and cold
it will be great when spring finally decides to show up
wtf? how does a season/weather pattern call out of work?

another night in the basement
I drank some coffee in the hopes of making progress
in the library books
a week overdue
whatever...

I could study the material for the test I blew off on Tuesday night
I could eat a mountain of goat shit too
both would be equally pleasing and affective

so instead of reading, I watched some Spartacus:GOTA
and now here I am
clackity-clacking out thoughts for all two of you
sometimes I think this blog is so boring, I don't even read it

I bet it bares incredible likeness to the composition pads, notebooks and journals started and left for dead over the years

first song to "work" when I popped open winamp
was, "nothing man" by pearl jam
I had to crack a smile at that,
even if, for lack of anything else,
wonderful irony

next song was, "Where I want to be" by Dangerous Summer
and nothing could be further from the truth
as beautiful of a place as this is
it makes me even more insane
there is little to distract myself from myself
yeah sure, there are plenty of places to go and walk
and look and relax
but all of these activities
let my mind set to wandering
and then Im possessed
by the voices
yelling at me
and asking questions which after almost
forty-fucking-years
I still dont have answers to

can't tell if I'm cold cause my blood sugar is low
or because Im sitting in a fucking concrete basement
and two inches of fresh powder blanket the sea grass
on the front lawn, back yard and
the rest of this, "great island."

april first and new snow
if thats not a kick in the nuts
I have no idea what is
all I know is when the sun shines
and I can get out of the box for a few hours
each day
jimmy feels somewhat better

still get caught up in
the, "I dont have what other people my age have" game
although, now, faster than ever
I'm falling fucking behind
my brother, with his high school diploma
a new three bedroom house
and putting together his own business
and why shouldn't he be successful
he didnt jump through the hoops like
me
he told the hoops to go fuck themselves
and the universe or whatever else is out there
said, "hey buddy, good job on being a crank! Here, have a good life, with our compliments."

it's a bitter pill to swallow
but being who I am
I barely fucking notice
too busy worrying about
whether my next job will be
bagging groceries
shoveling shit
or picking up heavy shit
and putting it down someplace else

suppose I should hit the hay
gotta get enough rest
so as to be able to go to the
gym
at first light
so I can pick heavy shit up
and put it down
in an effort to
keep the fucking
gun out of my mouth

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Joe Rogan...

made me laugh my ass of tonight and it was just what I needed.

even though I was freezing, in my parents basement, with no job to speak of and even less direction in my life, the act of having to stifle my laughter, due to my parents sleeping above me, seemed to make things that much more funny

shit has been unseasonably real for me over the past 6 months

I've lost my job, my health care, my apartment, thank god my car is paid for is all I can say right now. Friends come and go and some when they know you need them most, seem to disappear like ghosts in the daylight

it's kinda tough to finally realize that "you" are the weakest link, the one most likely to train wreck, the fuck-up in your circle of friends. "Not all who wander are lost..." one of my favorite quotes and yet I can't help but feel no matter how bright the lamp in the lighthouse, it will pass me over

life is a fragile thing and sometimes I think sanity even more so. It's taking me more and more to accomplish less and less. seek out the little things, the things that make you smile or laugh or that warm your heart, what do you do when every thing means nothing and the only colors you see are varying shades of gray?

at one time I thought going to school to be a nurse was going to be my salvation, now I have run out of excuses to trick myself into caring. the thought of being in college, classes, labs etc, nauseates me and yet, what is my alternative?

live in my parents fucking basement, hoping for something good to happen? hoping for a miracle, a lottery ticket, the angel of death?

lately i've heard many people speak on how good things are earned through hard work and if you expect positive results, you need to put your nose to the grind stone and really bust your ass

Yeah, cause i've never done any of that...

*curse this consciousness and this life*

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

High Caloric

I've never been one of those people who is uber concerned with counting crows, blue cars or calories, even when I was, "supposed to." However, since embarking on my renewed fitness regime, I noticed the old gray jackass ain't what he used to be and therefore, maybe we should start paying a little more attention to detail.

I had originally set a goal for myself of being a 36inch waist by my birthday. While I've made considerable progress, it's going to take ebola or an act of God for me to get to 36 by the dead line. While somewhat dissapointed with not achieving said goal...yet, I decided to look harder into what I'm eating.

Long and boring story short: large eggs all the way! Fuck jumbo eggs and the busted asses of the chickens who lay them. calorically large eggs just make better sense. I have seen no difference in cooking between the two, other than jumbo takes up more of the pan. Plus for me, it's hard to fool the stomach with the eyes. I can look at my 3 large egg breakfast and say, "Holy Shit, I just ate three eggs, what a fat-ass, time to hit the gym!" When I look at my two jumbo egg breakfast I say,"HTF is it that you guys are double in calories, don't take up as much space as your smaller bretheren and leave me wondering if the sense of being full varies at all" MR. JUMBO effin' EGG?

either way I end up going to the gym and doing something until I turn into a heaving, hump n' grunting, sweating like a hog of humanity inhumanoid. Come home shower, repeat do it again.

Anywho, today I'm going to have a long awaited coffee chat with Ink Buddy. As Aaron Lewis from Staind would say, "It's been awhile..." and I'm sure we both have a ton to talk about.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

adrift

as I drove out past Anawan Cliffs, I knew with an aire of certainty, I would become hopelessly lost at some point. well as luck would have it, the force was strong in this one and not only did I NOT get lost, but I was able to come back in a way to be able to hit the "cheaper" gas station on my return home.

started the night after dinner, at the library, walking the stacks in relative peace and quiet but for the voices in my head and the troop of girl scouts arraning their next cookie social and trying to figure out how to keep more of the public from finding out they are outsourcing production of their uniforms to China. Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.

Decent workout today but rotator cuff is still messed up. I was however able to get a good bicept workout in. Something is better than nothing. I figure another couple of weeks and I should be right as rain.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

When it rains...

it poors...

HK check your smumail...

Is this thing on? Man, I just want five seconds where I don’t have to think about: not being able to walk, losing my job, whether or not my medical leave will actually be approved, whether or not the hr rep is actually communicating with anyone else at my job, and the list goes on and on. I called and made about thirteen doctor’s appointments today. Endocrinologist, Podiatrist, General Practitioner....

WTF

About 15 minutes ago, my boss called me twice. My voicemail is full, he can’t leave me a message and to be honest, I have zero interest in speaking with him. I mean, I am out on leave, obviously something is seriously wrong with me that I’m not able to come to work.

Lots of clenching my jaw and headaches going on right now. I’m going to have to bite the bullet and just call him, for my own piece of mind, to make sure he has not decided to take the forces of evil into his own hands and try to get me fired/let go on his own power/authority/etc...

I FUCKING HATE THIS!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I went with Fightstar...

today has been tough

my blood sugar was somewhat high to begin with this morning
and has been creeping its way down steadily...but slowly
to say I'm frustrated
hungry
and fucking tired of going to the gd bathroom
would be the understatement of the year right now

at least I was able to get a hold of the HR department at work
as of right now
I am on a medical leave of absence
so even though
I am somewhat crippled
I will have a job to go back to
which is somewhat of a weight
off of my mind

even though not being able to do
jack-shit
besides
read
sleep
eat
and put my foot up
is nice
I can think of about eleventy-billion other things I would rather do than
convalesce

time to make another trip to the bathroom
and maybe read for a while
...yay...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Frustrating to say the least...

life on planet insulin was great up until this am. Woke up with a familiar, yet not so familiar feeling...
cotton-mouth and a pounding head-ache

as I had not ripped bong hits, nor drank beer like they were never going to make it again last night
I knew something was rotten in Denmark
check the bg level
180
WTF...FML...

now for those of you not in the know, 180 is not terrible, but it's not great
I've had waaaaaaay worse numbers before, not to brag
it just put a little damper on the beginning of my day
even more so after I took my meds, and checked 2 hours later
and I was only down to
170
WTFF!

so part of me thinks I'm moving back onto planet hungry
another part of me just thinks my body is being stubborn
we shall see who is right sooner, rather than later I hope

big plans for this afternoon include taking a shower
calling work
and maybe reading some

...can't get much more exciting than this...


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I'm Calling Bullshit...

on everything I'm about to say so, here is my disclaimer.

even though my life is mostly an open book, here on the old bloggerooni
there are some things I choose not to share with everyone
"What might those things be", you ask?

well its not the fact that I get less ass than a freshman chess team geek
with a bad case of blackheads
and a peg leg

or

the fact I've an unabashed love of bad music (fightstar, less than jake, owl city)

or the fact sometimes I think the voices inside my head, as well as my depression will be the end of me...

BUT

It could very well be my personal struggle with diabetes...

It's not something I mention here often
just cause I know how much I hate whining
so why would I subject you to it

Recently I was hospitalized for the second time in eight months
due to complications from my diabetes
I would like to say everything was going swimmingly before that
but I don't lie here so why start now

after my first hospitalization, one in which the skin on the bottom front of my foot fell off
I was back on the straight and narrow
diet
exercise
checking my blood sugar all the time

and then as it usually does
life got in the way
and I stopped testing my blood sugar
and due to working so much overtime
there was no time, nor energy to get to the gym
and my diet suffered, even beyond eating outside of what I know my diet to be

and again

I ended up in the emergency room of the local hospital on a Saturday night
with a foot that looked angrier than hell at me
and thoughts of amputation and such running through my head...

That's some tough shit to have to prep yourself for
especially at 37
especially when it is all preventable
especially when there was no one to point the finger at except myself

gratefully
I have the best podiatrist/podiatric surgeon on the planet
and minor surgery and iv antibiotics
fixed everything
well almost
see I have to go back to follow up tomorrow
and all has been well since then, besides being out of work, there have been no complaints from me

the biggest things I've taken away from this whole ordeal are these
you don't get an endless supply of "warning shots"
I am OLD and this means I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
I have the best family on the planet

During the course of the ordeal meds were switched around
changed, some eliminated altogether
I'm now on insulin

yep...I'm on the needle
once a day

for a guy who hates taking medication this is huge
and to be honest when they told me I was going to have to start shooting insulin, I was not sure how I felt about the whole situation
I mean it's not painful, but it is a pain in the ass and moreover, I STILL HATE TAKING MEDS
but since making the switch, my blood sugars have been great
I have felt better, I'm healing relatively well and the biggest change for me has been the ability to eat

When I was only on oral medication I was starving all the time. Literally walking around counting the minutes until the next time I could eat again
in some ways, that's like being in prison

There were days when I returned from the gym, after having worked out for and hour and a half, I would not be able to snack cause my sugar was, "just about where it should be..." which is fine & dandy but try going all day on little to no food. Trying to distract yourself/lie to yourself constantly that you're not hungry gets really old real quick. Now that I'm on the needle, I'm able to eat and feel full again.
I know what you are thinking...

"It's right back to pizzas & candy bars for this guy"

but it hasn't been bad at all
I eat
I feel satisfied
I go on with my day

I'm really interested to see how this will interact with my working out
once I am able to start up again
maybe there will be some wiggle room for cheats
but I'm not worried about that right now
and neither should you be ;)

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

the past ten or so days have been som...

the past ten or so days have been somewhat trying.

 

At this point last week, I was enjoying my first full day in the hospital

as much as one can enjoy their time in the hospital

 

I had a hunch when I drove myself to the ER, I would be staying

so I packed a bag with the essentials

extra drawers

shorts

t-shirt

phone & charger

ipod & charger

NDS & charger

 

and of course my own personal assortment of toiletries

cause to be honest, that nonsense they give you to wash

up with in the hospital

is just plain nonsense

 

 

So I spent my time on the IV

taking pills

taking more pills

being hooked up to more IVS

and generally lamenting the fact I had to 

sit on my ass and burn precious sick time

 

but I am fortunate in the fact I did not need to have anything 

removed

or scraped or trimmed etc.,

yet another warning shot across my bow

but life has changed somewhat

as I am, "on the needle" now

and as far as I can tell, things seem to be going well

 

but again its an adjustment 

and its hard 

and not in a good way

my dad is right

when you have diabetes

you have to keep your mind occupied at all times 

cause honestly idle hand DO the Devil's work 

even if that work is only a sammich

 

Cause you can rationalize yourself out of a piece of carrot cake/bowl of ice cream/candy bar

but to say no to a turkey & cheese sandwich 

when your stomach is YELLING at you

that my friend is a completely different  story

 

So...I read and write and listen to podcasts 

and game 

and facebook

and dream of being able to work and work out again

can't rush things though

one day at a time

full steam ahead

 

 

I hope you all are well.

 

Cheers, 

JJ
 

The High Seas...

at some point we all become lost

maybe its misguided or maybe or lack of direction is our own
at any rate, once again I'm fucking lost and looking to right the ship
turn it around
find the north star and sail on until morning

cause in reality things are not really that screwed up
I mean I have my family
and friends
I'm relatively healthy
and I don't go to bed hungry every night
far from it

so to be all down in the dumps and in despair is
well
just
foolish

for a while I thought the change in my mood was due to
my decision to
stop the prozac
but i'm back on the prozac
and though I feel somewhat better
things are not as they should be
so I have to work that much harder to get back to
day one

I'm ok with that
I can do that on my own
and be ok
cos honestly, I'm one of the
toughest
most resilient people
I know
and you can do and say whatever you want
but regardless of anything I've said then or now
you're still just a fucking blink in the time of my life
and I know you're not the only blink but if
you happen to be the last blink before
these tired eyes close
I'm ok with that

cos right or wrong
I've lived my life on the ropes
and I've never been knocked to the canvas
I can take anything and everything thrown at me
and just hitting these keys like punches thrown at me
I'm feeling better already
like the wheel is spinning
turning the ship around
finding that star
a course set
sailing straight on until morning

soon my light will rise





I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

On the ropes...

it was a long, long night at work

got in over three hours ago
just frustrated
brutalized
not giving a fuck

been off the prozac for like two weeks
thought things were going well
I feel fine
but
looking around, taking in my surroundings
things are not as they should be

so

some adjustments need to be made

and in the morning
no matter how tired I am
there will be
blood
sweat
and tears

and then I will come home
shower
and kick-start my motivation
again

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ