38...

which is about 14 more than 24

at 24 there was less to worry about
at least that's the way it seemed to me

what was going on over the weekend
what girl was I going to talk my self out of kissing
will I have time to eat dinner and get to rehearsal on time

things like that

38 is vastly different

it's like
did I remember to fill prescriptions
did I take prescriptions
where are those damned pills again
how the fuck am I supposed to pay all these bills

when not thinking about the aforementioned
there are always the other thoughts floating in the background
how the hell am I going to pay my student loans off
when the fuck will I be able to move out of my parents basement
How many times do I have to tell them paneling/wall paper are archaic
no one uses that shit anymore

wish in one had and shit in the other
see which one fills up first

at 24 I was so busy
I had no time to listen to
the brutal voices in my head
the peoples opinions I could care less about
bad, bad fucking music

now it seems these are the only things around

Whatever...

at least I still have my library card

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. to the three or so people who didn't forget my birthday, thank you very much.

And he who,,,

forgets

another monochromatic day

not manic, nor panic, just gray and windy and cold
it will be great when spring finally decides to show up
wtf? how does a season/weather pattern call out of work?

another night in the basement
I drank some coffee in the hopes of making progress
in the library books
a week overdue
whatever...

I could study the material for the test I blew off on Tuesday night
I could eat a mountain of goat shit too
both would be equally pleasing and affective

so instead of reading, I watched some Spartacus:GOTA
and now here I am
clackity-clacking out thoughts for all two of you
sometimes I think this blog is so boring, I don't even read it

I bet it bares incredible likeness to the composition pads, notebooks and journals started and left for dead over the years

first song to "work" when I popped open winamp
was, "nothing man" by pearl jam
I had to crack a smile at that,
even if, for lack of anything else,
wonderful irony

next song was, "Where I want to be" by Dangerous Summer
and nothing could be further from the truth
as beautiful of a place as this is
it makes me even more insane
there is little to distract myself from myself
yeah sure, there are plenty of places to go and walk
and look and relax
but all of these activities
let my mind set to wandering
and then Im possessed
by the voices
yelling at me
and asking questions which after almost
forty-fucking-years
I still dont have answers to

can't tell if I'm cold cause my blood sugar is low
or because Im sitting in a fucking concrete basement
and two inches of fresh powder blanket the sea grass
on the front lawn, back yard and
the rest of this, "great island."

april first and new snow
if thats not a kick in the nuts
I have no idea what is
all I know is when the sun shines
and I can get out of the box for a few hours
each day
jimmy feels somewhat better

still get caught up in
the, "I dont have what other people my age have" game
although, now, faster than ever
I'm falling fucking behind
my brother, with his high school diploma
a new three bedroom house
and putting together his own business
and why shouldn't he be successful
he didnt jump through the hoops like
me
he told the hoops to go fuck themselves
and the universe or whatever else is out there
said, "hey buddy, good job on being a crank! Here, have a good life, with our compliments."

it's a bitter pill to swallow
but being who I am
I barely fucking notice
too busy worrying about
whether my next job will be
bagging groceries
shoveling shit
or picking up heavy shit
and putting it down someplace else

suppose I should hit the hay
gotta get enough rest
so as to be able to go to the
gym
at first light
so I can pick heavy shit up
and put it down
in an effort to
keep the fucking
gun out of my mouth

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Joe Rogan...

made me laugh my ass of tonight and it was just what I needed.

even though I was freezing, in my parents basement, with no job to speak of and even less direction in my life, the act of having to stifle my laughter, due to my parents sleeping above me, seemed to make things that much more funny

shit has been unseasonably real for me over the past 6 months

I've lost my job, my health care, my apartment, thank god my car is paid for is all I can say right now. Friends come and go and some when they know you need them most, seem to disappear like ghosts in the daylight

it's kinda tough to finally realize that "you" are the weakest link, the one most likely to train wreck, the fuck-up in your circle of friends. "Not all who wander are lost..." one of my favorite quotes and yet I can't help but feel no matter how bright the lamp in the lighthouse, it will pass me over

life is a fragile thing and sometimes I think sanity even more so. It's taking me more and more to accomplish less and less. seek out the little things, the things that make you smile or laugh or that warm your heart, what do you do when every thing means nothing and the only colors you see are varying shades of gray?

at one time I thought going to school to be a nurse was going to be my salvation, now I have run out of excuses to trick myself into caring. the thought of being in college, classes, labs etc, nauseates me and yet, what is my alternative?

live in my parents fucking basement, hoping for something good to happen? hoping for a miracle, a lottery ticket, the angel of death?

lately i've heard many people speak on how good things are earned through hard work and if you expect positive results, you need to put your nose to the grind stone and really bust your ass

Yeah, cause i've never done any of that...

*curse this consciousness and this life*

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

High Caloric

I've never been one of those people who is uber concerned with counting crows, blue cars or calories, even when I was, "supposed to." However, since embarking on my renewed fitness regime, I noticed the old gray jackass ain't what he used to be and therefore, maybe we should start paying a little more attention to detail.

I had originally set a goal for myself of being a 36inch waist by my birthday. While I've made considerable progress, it's going to take ebola or an act of God for me to get to 36 by the dead line. While somewhat dissapointed with not achieving said goal...yet, I decided to look harder into what I'm eating.

Long and boring story short: large eggs all the way! Fuck jumbo eggs and the busted asses of the chickens who lay them. calorically large eggs just make better sense. I have seen no difference in cooking between the two, other than jumbo takes up more of the pan. Plus for me, it's hard to fool the stomach with the eyes. I can look at my 3 large egg breakfast and say, "Holy Shit, I just ate three eggs, what a fat-ass, time to hit the gym!" When I look at my two jumbo egg breakfast I say,"HTF is it that you guys are double in calories, don't take up as much space as your smaller bretheren and leave me wondering if the sense of being full varies at all" MR. JUMBO effin' EGG?

either way I end up going to the gym and doing something until I turn into a heaving, hump n' grunting, sweating like a hog of humanity inhumanoid. Come home shower, repeat do it again.

Anywho, today I'm going to have a long awaited coffee chat with Ink Buddy. As Aaron Lewis from Staind would say, "It's been awhile..." and I'm sure we both have a ton to talk about.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

adrift

as I drove out past Anawan Cliffs, I knew with an aire of certainty, I would become hopelessly lost at some point. well as luck would have it, the force was strong in this one and not only did I NOT get lost, but I was able to come back in a way to be able to hit the "cheaper" gas station on my return home.

started the night after dinner, at the library, walking the stacks in relative peace and quiet but for the voices in my head and the troop of girl scouts arraning their next cookie social and trying to figure out how to keep more of the public from finding out they are outsourcing production of their uniforms to China. Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.

Decent workout today but rotator cuff is still messed up. I was however able to get a good bicept workout in. Something is better than nothing. I figure another couple of weeks and I should be right as rain.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

When it rains...

it poors...

HK check your smumail...

Is this thing on? Man, I just want five seconds where I don’t have to think about: not being able to walk, losing my job, whether or not my medical leave will actually be approved, whether or not the hr rep is actually communicating with anyone else at my job, and the list goes on and on. I called and made about thirteen doctor’s appointments today. Endocrinologist, Podiatrist, General Practitioner....

WTF

About 15 minutes ago, my boss called me twice. My voicemail is full, he can’t leave me a message and to be honest, I have zero interest in speaking with him. I mean, I am out on leave, obviously something is seriously wrong with me that I’m not able to come to work.

Lots of clenching my jaw and headaches going on right now. I’m going to have to bite the bullet and just call him, for my own piece of mind, to make sure he has not decided to take the forces of evil into his own hands and try to get me fired/let go on his own power/authority/etc...

I FUCKING HATE THIS!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I went with Fightstar...

today has been tough

my blood sugar was somewhat high to begin with this morning
and has been creeping its way down steadily...but slowly
to say I'm frustrated
hungry
and fucking tired of going to the gd bathroom
would be the understatement of the year right now

at least I was able to get a hold of the HR department at work
as of right now
I am on a medical leave of absence
so even though
I am somewhat crippled
I will have a job to go back to
which is somewhat of a weight
off of my mind

even though not being able to do
jack-shit
besides
read
sleep
eat
and put my foot up
is nice
I can think of about eleventy-billion other things I would rather do than
convalesce

time to make another trip to the bathroom
and maybe read for a while
...yay...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Frustrating to say the least...

life on planet insulin was great up until this am. Woke up with a familiar, yet not so familiar feeling...
cotton-mouth and a pounding head-ache

as I had not ripped bong hits, nor drank beer like they were never going to make it again last night
I knew something was rotten in Denmark
check the bg level
180
WTF...FML...

now for those of you not in the know, 180 is not terrible, but it's not great
I've had waaaaaaay worse numbers before, not to brag
it just put a little damper on the beginning of my day
even more so after I took my meds, and checked 2 hours later
and I was only down to
170
WTFF!

so part of me thinks I'm moving back onto planet hungry
another part of me just thinks my body is being stubborn
we shall see who is right sooner, rather than later I hope

big plans for this afternoon include taking a shower
calling work
and maybe reading some

...can't get much more exciting than this...


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I'm Calling Bullshit...

on everything I'm about to say so, here is my disclaimer.

even though my life is mostly an open book, here on the old bloggerooni
there are some things I choose not to share with everyone
"What might those things be", you ask?

well its not the fact that I get less ass than a freshman chess team geek
with a bad case of blackheads
and a peg leg

or

the fact I've an unabashed love of bad music (fightstar, less than jake, owl city)

or the fact sometimes I think the voices inside my head, as well as my depression will be the end of me...

BUT

It could very well be my personal struggle with diabetes...

It's not something I mention here often
just cause I know how much I hate whining
so why would I subject you to it

Recently I was hospitalized for the second time in eight months
due to complications from my diabetes
I would like to say everything was going swimmingly before that
but I don't lie here so why start now

after my first hospitalization, one in which the skin on the bottom front of my foot fell off
I was back on the straight and narrow
diet
exercise
checking my blood sugar all the time

and then as it usually does
life got in the way
and I stopped testing my blood sugar
and due to working so much overtime
there was no time, nor energy to get to the gym
and my diet suffered, even beyond eating outside of what I know my diet to be

and again

I ended up in the emergency room of the local hospital on a Saturday night
with a foot that looked angrier than hell at me
and thoughts of amputation and such running through my head...

That's some tough shit to have to prep yourself for
especially at 37
especially when it is all preventable
especially when there was no one to point the finger at except myself

gratefully
I have the best podiatrist/podiatric surgeon on the planet
and minor surgery and iv antibiotics
fixed everything
well almost
see I have to go back to follow up tomorrow
and all has been well since then, besides being out of work, there have been no complaints from me

the biggest things I've taken away from this whole ordeal are these
you don't get an endless supply of "warning shots"
I am OLD and this means I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
I have the best family on the planet

During the course of the ordeal meds were switched around
changed, some eliminated altogether
I'm now on insulin

yep...I'm on the needle
once a day

for a guy who hates taking medication this is huge
and to be honest when they told me I was going to have to start shooting insulin, I was not sure how I felt about the whole situation
I mean it's not painful, but it is a pain in the ass and moreover, I STILL HATE TAKING MEDS
but since making the switch, my blood sugars have been great
I have felt better, I'm healing relatively well and the biggest change for me has been the ability to eat

When I was only on oral medication I was starving all the time. Literally walking around counting the minutes until the next time I could eat again
in some ways, that's like being in prison

There were days when I returned from the gym, after having worked out for and hour and a half, I would not be able to snack cause my sugar was, "just about where it should be..." which is fine & dandy but try going all day on little to no food. Trying to distract yourself/lie to yourself constantly that you're not hungry gets really old real quick. Now that I'm on the needle, I'm able to eat and feel full again.
I know what you are thinking...

"It's right back to pizzas & candy bars for this guy"

but it hasn't been bad at all
I eat
I feel satisfied
I go on with my day

I'm really interested to see how this will interact with my working out
once I am able to start up again
maybe there will be some wiggle room for cheats
but I'm not worried about that right now
and neither should you be ;)

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

the past ten or so days have been som...

the past ten or so days have been somewhat trying.

 

At this point last week, I was enjoying my first full day in the hospital

as much as one can enjoy their time in the hospital

 

I had a hunch when I drove myself to the ER, I would be staying

so I packed a bag with the essentials

extra drawers

shorts

t-shirt

phone & charger

ipod & charger

NDS & charger

 

and of course my own personal assortment of toiletries

cause to be honest, that nonsense they give you to wash

up with in the hospital

is just plain nonsense

 

 

So I spent my time on the IV

taking pills

taking more pills

being hooked up to more IVS

and generally lamenting the fact I had to 

sit on my ass and burn precious sick time

 

but I am fortunate in the fact I did not need to have anything 

removed

or scraped or trimmed etc.,

yet another warning shot across my bow

but life has changed somewhat

as I am, "on the needle" now

and as far as I can tell, things seem to be going well

 

but again its an adjustment 

and its hard 

and not in a good way

my dad is right

when you have diabetes

you have to keep your mind occupied at all times 

cause honestly idle hand DO the Devil's work 

even if that work is only a sammich

 

Cause you can rationalize yourself out of a piece of carrot cake/bowl of ice cream/candy bar

but to say no to a turkey & cheese sandwich 

when your stomach is YELLING at you

that my friend is a completely different  story

 

So...I read and write and listen to podcasts 

and game 

and facebook

and dream of being able to work and work out again

can't rush things though

one day at a time

full steam ahead

 

 

I hope you all are well.

 

Cheers, 

JJ
 

The High Seas...

at some point we all become lost

maybe its misguided or maybe or lack of direction is our own
at any rate, once again I'm fucking lost and looking to right the ship
turn it around
find the north star and sail on until morning

cause in reality things are not really that screwed up
I mean I have my family
and friends
I'm relatively healthy
and I don't go to bed hungry every night
far from it

so to be all down in the dumps and in despair is
well
just
foolish

for a while I thought the change in my mood was due to
my decision to
stop the prozac
but i'm back on the prozac
and though I feel somewhat better
things are not as they should be
so I have to work that much harder to get back to
day one

I'm ok with that
I can do that on my own
and be ok
cos honestly, I'm one of the
toughest
most resilient people
I know
and you can do and say whatever you want
but regardless of anything I've said then or now
you're still just a fucking blink in the time of my life
and I know you're not the only blink but if
you happen to be the last blink before
these tired eyes close
I'm ok with that

cos right or wrong
I've lived my life on the ropes
and I've never been knocked to the canvas
I can take anything and everything thrown at me
and just hitting these keys like punches thrown at me
I'm feeling better already
like the wheel is spinning
turning the ship around
finding that star
a course set
sailing straight on until morning

soon my light will rise





I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

On the ropes...

it was a long, long night at work

got in over three hours ago
just frustrated
brutalized
not giving a fuck

been off the prozac for like two weeks
thought things were going well
I feel fine
but
looking around, taking in my surroundings
things are not as they should be

so

some adjustments need to be made

and in the morning
no matter how tired I am
there will be
blood
sweat
and tears

and then I will come home
shower
and kick-start my motivation
again

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

instant ='s yucky!

sometimes decaf just makes sense.

Right now is one of those times. I don't feel tired at all, have had two cups of coffee earlier in the day, and I'm hoping it's getting close to bedtime for me. Still, I want to write and often when writing, there is nothing like a cup of good coffee. Unfortunately for me, good coffee means brewing a pot, which means caffeinated coffee, cause really, who actually buys decaf beans?

I've been a grind and brew my own guy for awhile and the difference is not such that I can no longer enjoy “fast food coffee” but drinking shit, and paying to drink shit, just doesn't seem to make much cents to me... See what I did there? Of course you did, you're so smart!

tonight has been filled with nostalgia. I've been listening to music from the 90's, stuff I either heard to and from one of the awful fucking jobs I had or things that were either the soundtracks of dorm room conversations or even possibly bar room anthems. At any rate normally my nostalgia is accompanied by somewhat of a sense of sadness, loss or ennui.

Tonight there was none of that. I listened to music that reminded me of people and places who have helped make me who I am today. I've taken something from everyone I've met and all the places I've gone. I hope in most cases, I was able to give something back as well. You see, I like to think of myself as a giver.

Note to self: decaf coffee crystals are awful!

Lot of work coming up in the next few days. Can't say I'm looking forward to it either. Today is really my only day off this week and as far as accomplishing anything, I can't really say I got anything done. However, I have come back here, a place I've been neglecting, and to sit down and just bang out a post about what seems to be the boring minutia which makes up my life, just feels good and right. I did jack russell shit today. Watched Inglorious Bastards and oddly enough liked it. I don't normally care for Tarantino but found this film enjoyable.

Tomorrow, with my ipod being up and running again, it's time to head back to the gym in the am. Gotta get a good sweat & burn on early in the morning. Then it's shower, cook something and go to work. Hopefully there will not be time to run to home depot, staples and bed bath & beyond, as those are activities for people over 30, who enjoy being lame...oh wait, that could very well be me.

time to dump this dreck in the sink and go read a zombie book.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Wanna know what...

what the last two things I thought before falling asleep were?

how the fuck am I going to wake up for 6am? & I bet being a garbage man is a pretty sweet gig.

first off, when you snap awake at 3:12am, like you know its the end of the world, getting up for work is
pretty low on your list of priorities. Unfortunately, falling back to sleep is also a bit challenging.
fortunately for me, I have several tried and true methods, all of which failed me last night.

so there is the issue of having to work a 16 hour shift on about three hours and twelve minutes sleep
and that my friends
just flat out sucks
to speak plainly
but
we're made of tough stuff here at Jackass Headquarters
and with any luck I won't kill or permanently maim anyone today

oh yeah
the garbage man gig
like seriously
usually, the gmen
are well compensated
don't have to listen to the trash talk back
and in some cases
work on their own
in trucks which pick up the trash for them

which would seem to me to be
pretty close to the perfect gig

if there is such a thing

cause when you don't have to worry about
all that other nonsense
it frees your mind and soul
to do other things
like sing a happy song
or
put time and thought into
other things
like
that book you want to
read or write
taking your dog for a walk
and even
how sweet the love
you are going to make
to your love
is actually going to be

but I just finished my coffee
so the only thing on my mind
is
Aw fuck...I gotta go to work.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Bought a new belt...

In my business I see two kinds of people.

well maybe it's not as cut and dry as that but, most of the time it sure does feel that way.

there are those who can't help themselves and those who won't.

its hard for me to give a shit about the ones who won't help themselves because, to me, it just reinforces the time tested adage of, "you can lead a horse to water but, you can't make him think..." my co-workers and I offer a ton of direction and positive advice. however, more often than not, it falls on deaf ears. I get it, I'm not going to save everyone, nor should everyone be saved. I think Darwin would agree with me there. However, it would be a much needed shot in the arm, pat on the back etc,. to see something good happen once in a while.

im sure there are those of you who think I'm a bit, cold or unfeeling. In my business you almost have to learn to disconnect somewhat. if not, you'll be eaten alive, one way or the other.

its the ones who can't help themselves i'm haunted by. those are the ones I actually sometimes think about after my feet walk out the back door and i'm freed of work responsibilities. especially those who recognize their own shortcomings, to have someone verbalize to you that, "they hate themselves for being so crazy..." and deep down, you know they are indeed crazy, how does your heart not hurt just a little? we all carry a burden of some kind, a skeleton or two in our closets, but to know you are just not the same mentally, for whatever reason as the other members of society, "deemed fit to care for themselves, " that has to be a little fucked up.

with that, I need to eat and shower before another day of the grind. be grateful for your health, as relative as that may be. let those in your life know how much you appreciate them. live the life you dream about living.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The Wonderful Future...

Hey 2010, where the fuck is my flying car?

Why can't I shower and dress like George Jetson?

let's not be a big fucking disappointment like oh nine.

at any rate

I've been up for just over two hours
early on a day off
bed made
coffee made
shoveling done
load of laundry done
breakfast eaten
wtf

thats what I get for not being able to sleep
not really sure what the cause of that was
but Im going to go with too much caffeine
definitely going to cut back on the coffee intake today
maybe not take the green tea tabs at dinner either
yes I got shit done
but paid a heavy price

glad the shoveling is out of the way
but I really wanted to go to the gym this am
as I was shoveling I could could hear
people in warmer climates
giggling as they completed lengthy
periods of beauty sleep

...and she wants me to move back to the midwest...

I'd have to be on crack rock

I want sunshine and palm trees
hot summers and with the possibility
of a shoreline breeze
baseball games on the weekend
thunderstorms to lull me to sleep
none of this
“were expecting a high of 60 today”
in the middle of june

I was fucking crazy last night
like manic
even for me
took a lot for me to pass out
though I didn't use the melatonin
should have
maybe would have slept better
six of one, half a dozen of the other

with my luck I would have slept past noon
missed the gym
missed the morning
and would have woken to
having to shovel
a foot and a half of snow
at least this way its all done
and even if there needs to be a touch up job
its not like Im going to be postal doing it

maybe I will even get to the gym today
either way

I hope you all are well.

Happy New Year & Cheers,
JJ

Yakkity Yak...

I sit here and try and bang it out
there is no more coffee to drink before the cup goes cold
only a few hours left before work
another night filled with bullshit and frustration
it's time to look for another job
it's been time for several years
however
it's really fucking time to start looking now

you would think I would have more to write about
more to say
having just come from a 5 day stint in the hospital
but all I really have to say is,
“Sure as hell don't want to do that again.”

Learning experiences are great but you don't need to have them all at once.

been on the prozac awhile
I don't feel all that different
but everyone and their brother seem to think
I've made marked improvement

this is a good thing...I guess
not going to lie
tired of taking pills and feeling like
my life is not in my own control
but that's a big reason why
I was in the mess I was in two weeks ago

gotta work hard
do more, be more
this will reduce my
dependence on pills

one step at a time

this post sucks
but like I said
there really is
not much to say

so I sit here
going through
the motions
listening to the music
hoping for inspiration
that gift from on high
giving me the added lift
I'm going to need to get through the day


I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Rochambeau...

its 8-fucking thirty and there is no fucking going on

the biggest decision Ive made today is
which convenience store was going to
sell me dinner
wonderful...
I
know

no fucking, no dinner
at least not yet
dinner will consist of
vegetable soup
a turkey sandwich: served in a whole wheat tortilla
with
artichoke & spinach hummus
and american cheese
and
a delicious diet dr. pepper, 2009
a very good vintage
or at least that's what I was told

not feeling lonely
or alone
but almost like
I've run out of friends
or that
my life has taken a turn
towards full on mundane
and in addition
I've unknowingly taken up
residence on the moon

so many ways to keep in contact
email
twitter
facebook
IM
cellphone
landline
motherfucking skywriting
and part of me feels
like
no one will
answer no matter
how loud I yell

electric ladyland
providing brief reprieve
from
ho humming myself to sleep
wishing for time machine
or maybe just
a
lobotomy
so I can be happy
knowing I have a full belly
wearing pants that fit
without having to ask permission
to go to the bathroom

I want you to update
and you
and you too
to communicate
to admit to people
feelings & emotions
have not gone the way of the buffalo
or VHS
or dial up connections

to be more than
a fucking abercrombie/walmart/chevy/beer commercial
to want more
than everything being
force fed down our
throats
to
grab a warm drink
on a cold night
in a comfy sweatshirt
hold hands with someone
and watch a clear fall
night sky

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The Wayback Machine...

when I was a young boy, young like
four years-old, not like my mid twenties
my parents, grandparents and various other family
would give me books that came with a play along cassette tape
yeah, I said cassette tape
I'm that old

anyway...

these books on tape, I think put out by Superscope
not only fostered and helped grow my love of reading
but also helped me to not hear the voices in my head
even at such a young age

in my teen years
I fell asleep to the white noise of am/fm radio
or whatever music I was listening to at the time
or quite possibly...I could have passed out
from the sheer exhaustion of high school
and later on, working 90+hours a week

when I eventually got to college
I was fortunate enough to have a roommate
who could not fall asleep unless
“Dark Side of the Moon” was on repeat
I swear I learned the lyrics to that disc by osmosis

when I had my own room
it was other stuff
jazz
instrumental
gregorian chant
whatever I could find to
expand my mind and be enough of a distraction
to get to sleep

and here I am
at thirty-something
still in need of silence
be it mental or otherwise
so I go to bed
with headphones on

and I'm drawn back to my childhood
'cause I'm still listening
stories
books via mp3
podcasts
still needing that voice
reassuring me things will be ok
that I can go to bed
get rest

that I've done a good job
and deserve to rest for the day
be it for an hour or four
or on the odd night twelve

I've tried going to sleep sans headphones
failed attempts on more nights than not
make me wonder how I'm
ever going to
fall asleep in
the big boy bed
should I ever be tall enough
to climb up...in...and under the covers

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Hot Coffee...

I”m trying to get in touch with my inner dork this morning.

We've lost contact over the past year or so
it's time to reconnect
there is
a cup of coffee
the clackity-clack of the keyboard
and of course
my first love
music

without it...well my life would probably seem
less dramatic
but at any rate, I'm rediscovering great bands
long forgotten

as I sit here and pound out this post
“left and leaving” by The Weakerthans
is haunting both iTunes and me
such a great disc from a phenomenal band
no more

Isn't that always the way?

I started tearing my bathroom up this weekend
which is pretty freaking hilarious as
I am totally not the, “This Old House” type
but when you hate where you live
and have some extra time on your hands
maybe experience really is the best teacher
at least
“that's what she said...”

wanted to take “before & after” photos
but of course, my digital camer decides to break
as I am about to go to work
so there is something else I can spend money on
at least I will be getting something with way more megapixels
than the last one I had
just a point and shoot...nothing to fancy

it's officially fall and we all know what that means for this guy
the beginning of seasonal depression
I'm hoping the lack of a real summer will either
help ease the symptoms of my seasonal depression
or maybe PLEASE GOD it will pass over me
if I nail my copies of my cure cds to my front door
perhaps the angel of sadness will not stop at my house

he says as he listens to, “The Weakerthans...”

music that makes me think of specific times, places and people
a long weekend in Duluth
when my body didn't creak and grown like this old house
and her red hair and mischievous smile were a common sight
ah nostalgia!

To be honest I don't even feel very sad
and I won't even attach a yet, yet
maybe it's cause I'm too mired in anger and frustration
maybe my mind and body and soul are too tired
maybe it's another thing I've out grown

like asthma
not sleeping all weekend
and tinker toys

Have a great day. I'm going to try to.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Mayday Mayday

Things here in the Ocean State are pretty much S.O.S

Paul E. Parker's post from ProJo.com sheds some light on the seemingly never ending economic decline we're in.

While I don't claim to have the answers to fix this problem or any answers at all for that matter, what I do know is blame storming those out of work, as well as those trying to find work, is pointless.
Speaking as someone with a full time job, trying to pursue an education, kicking those who are down is not going to motivate anyone to try and better their situation. If anything it's going to drive more people to feel even more entitled to, “Suck up more of your free tax dollars.” Let's look at facts. 1. Rhode Island and the Northeast have historically been hardest hit by any type of local/national economic crisis. Moreover, we are also the last nationally to pull out of the aforementioned hardships. 2. The national economy is in disarray, (not that this is a surprise) with no forecast of improvement. 3. The lack of good jobs, not great jobs, jobs that pay a livable wage and offer some reasonable health benefits, make playing the powerball seem like a more worthwhile opportunity.

So, before all of you, “hard workers, self-made men and women and those more fortunate than the rest of us” start bad mouthing those trying to keep off of skid row, why don't you take a minute to be grateful for all you have. Count all of your fucking money, access to good, affordable health care, nutritious food, and a warm, clean, safe place to sleep at night and shut the fuck up!

The early bird...

Don't worry Mom, someday I'll get to bed before 3am. I just don't see that time coming soon.

Last night was sufficiently terrible at work
long...long...long night
the kind where you get out and realize
there was not time
to
eat..shit...or breathe

not that anyone should do all of those things at the same time
but I do recommend breathing as much as possible
so I got out
went to the 24 drug store
cause I needed a Diet Dr. Pepper like whoa
realized I was starving having not eaten since
lunch
like 4 slices of chicken breast, horseradish sauce, american cheese, low carb wrap
so at 11:45
it wasn't delivery, it was DiGiorno

I was amped someone has finally made a pizza you can microwave vs. bake
since I have been hinky about using the oven, almost burning the house down
making nachos 2 summers ago
who knew tortilla chips had such a low flash-point
...
came home
pizza
DDP
season premier of Fringe via hulu
Jeebus I love me some hulu
then bed
lulled to sleep by the sweet sounds of Hearing Voices podcast
I also love me some podcasts and NPR

woke up not four hours after laying down
bathroom
change of clothes
log on
jack in
get the news for the day

I really could give a shit about pop culture
not even anywhere near the music snob / fan
I once was
maybe I am getting old and curmudgeonly
I must be, since I can spell that word

here we are at Monday, actually my Tuesday
and all I can think about is where the hell did my weekend go
and why was there not more fun involved?

but a good amount of good work got done
so I guess there was a bright spot in my universe
hopefully this will be the start of yet another prosperous period in my life
jeebus knows, I could use it.

starting with a new shrink this Thursday
not sure how I feel
I mean, obviously I'm for it
as I am still going
I just hope he's not one of these pill-pushing jackasses
otherwise this is going to be over faster than
Tara Reid's “serious” acting career

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Batten down the...

hatches.

I cant help but feel an overwhelming sadness
not like, “Oh poor fucking me...” sadness
just a general, “here comes the rain again” sadness
one I've been through before
have weathered
and am sure I will go through in the not so distant future

Could be the time of year
the change of season
lack of sunlight
or just some wackiness
involving the chemicals in my brain
but from now to about mid-January
the emotional roller coaster
is non-stop

I suppose there are drugs
but in all reality
I've taken what I've taken
and I really don't feel like
they make me any better
in fact, if anything else there is an increased inability to be creative
and I sure as hell don't want to be making
anyone rich from making me miserable

3:18 in the am and the valerian root
can't kick in fast enough
I want to sleep
to dream
to forget
not be aware
of this hell my life has become

no more tests
trials
tribulations
or whatever
just peace
and quiet
and solitude


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Just in case...

you are wondering, the world will end on a Thursday.

How do I know, you ask? It's really simple to be honest, my work week ends on Thursday. Therefore, in order for me to get to my weekend, I would have to survive the impending end of the world, apocalypse, whateveryouwanttocallit to get to the weekend.

If you know me, as some of you do, that shit just won't happen, cause it's the end of motherfuckin time and when the clock runs out... shit, it's game over!

Oddly enough tonight at work went by quickly, but it was hairy at times.

I'm not getting into specifics here cause well, that's just fucking boring but let's say there were flashing lights, police and maybe an ambulance or two.

After it all, I came home and all I wanted was a delicious snack, a cold shower and someone to play with my hair as I fall asleep. The shower was fucking fabulous, as for the rest of that shit, supposedly its still on it's way. The purchase order said the order will be filled by one: Claus, Santa, whoever the fuck that is?

It's 4am and while I would love to be asleep, something is keeping me awake. I know I have a ton of shit to do later on, stuff that just flat out needs to get done.

A LIST! I NEED TO MAKE A LIST TODAY.

bank
doctor
hair cut
phone calls
bunch of other stuff

with any luck, I'll get it all done and then some

Need to get some shut eye

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Today was kind...

of a wash.

Woke up with just enough time to
bang down some protein
put on work out gear
and drive

got to the gym ten minutes
before spin
put shoes on
stretch
fucking spin is cancelled

...

all dressed up and nowhere to go

...

I guess I could have stayed at the gym
worked out
throw some iron around
but it just seemed to make more
sense to leave and try and knock off
a few of the 247,832 thing to do
on my "get it done" list

so off I drove
back home
in a mere two and a half minutes
spin shoes off
lawn mowing shoes on
in heat similar to that of spin class
and Oh Yes, there was sweating done.

The grass got cut
and I felt like I had somewhat
of a workout
cause if you were as sweaty as I was
and didn't workout
or
get some of that sweet, sweet lovin'
I keep hearing the kids talking about
then get thee to a doctor
cause you gone die!

shower
attempted to get faux hawk
to short
maybe next week

I'm sitting here banging the keys
and a slight breeze blows in from the back yard carrying with it the scent of maple syrup or at least that's what my brain processes it as, which makes me think of oatmeal and cold winter mornings before school, which, is odd since I don't think I ever ate breakfast in the AM much after grade eight, and now I eat oatmeal all the time, regardless of the weather, because it is good for you

food seems like
a necessity and a good idea
chicken parm, maybe eggplant
maybe tuna and hot sauce
I'm not sure what dinner is going to bring

however
I do know there will
be stretching and ab work
and road work
yes that's right bitches
this guy is going to do some of what is known as jogging
its that time
and I've got
a
number
to
reach.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Sometimes...

you get presented with gifts
that
for whatever reason
you swear can't be real

things beyond your wildest
dreams
prayers
imaginations

things you're sure
belong to someone else
so you try to give them back
to
put them back
where ever you think they
belong

and yet
they come back to you
even though you don't believe
and you have to think
the devil or whomever
is fucking with you

because you want to
feel
touch
taste
smell
hear
revel
in the victory, so bad it's killing you

something so uncommon
you don't know what to do with it
so you panic
and hold on tighter than ever before
trying not to choke the life
out of your gift

and finally just when
you are in the throes of despair
and have lost all hope
she says, "I'm not going anywhere"

gasping that first breath above
the surface you realize
it's going to be ok
and to just breathe
and live one day at a time



I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Shift....

Strange things are a foot

by the grace of the internet I've been reconnected
with someone I never in a million years
thought I would see or hear from
ever again

at first I wasn't sure how to feel about it
over time
it has grown on me
and I dare say, it's probably the best thing
to happen to me in the last five years
if not in my life

thats not to say there is not a ton of
bullshits and frustration in my life
there are still
broken water heaters, refrigerators
and bills aplenty to be paid

but now there also are
late night conversations
filled with “what ifs”
and “let's make plans to”
which is new ground
uncharted territory
so to speak

and I have to admit
even though the butterflies
still have a home in my stomach
I smile a little more each night
before I fall asleep

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Happy You're in love...

yo

I'm listening to Frou Frou
and typing the hey nonny-nonny
things continue to be the bullshits
but I guess its ok cause its summer
or at least thats what they tell me
someone should call Al Gore
and tell him to not be so hard on the Sun
cause that fucker is feeling so bad about himself
he might not come around until Rocktober
then whats the point

brother gets married this weekend
muy excited for him
and her
mostly for them
and my parents
someone should be able to provide
them with grandchildren

not this guy

I have a hard enough time dressing myself
solving for x
and getting up on time
let alone
being in charge of another living being

not that I don't have plenty of love to give
cause I sure do
I sure do...but in the grand scheme of things
I want to have me on the straight and narrow
or at least not clipping coupons and eating
noodles 6 meals a week
having to decide between school tuition
or a gym membership

or maybe that other thing

whatever or whoever that may be

the one I think about on any day ending in Y
the one I listen to from Mon to Thursday with
the one I want to sit back and
jaw jack with
sip cocktails with
laugh from Friday night
til
Sunday morn with

or maybe I'll just take a dump and go to bed

ugly time comes early and I'm working a double

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

seriously...

it's 3:10 am on Saturday morning and because I'm sitting here
waiting for my virtual grapes to be ready to harvest
yeah, you heard me right...virtual grapes
the excitement in my life has skyrocketed
to a Friday night spent virtual farming

to be completely fair
I was up early today
went to the gym and probably worked a little to hard
went for green tea with “the w”
and then went to work for a training
again on my day off

so even though my day was not action packed
I did get stuff done
while going places
and taking care of business

still
its not all its cracked up to be
I'm sore in places I don't think should be sore
like my neck
then again, that can just be work related stress

fuck work
thank God the economy is so bad
otherwise I would have to spend free time
looking for a job
eff that

the only things I hate more than work are
looking for a job and
moving
I can't decide in what order those would fall
but I still hate them.

in other news...

my brother gets married next weekend
I am nervous and excited all at the same time
best man duties have been bestowed upon me
and while I am honored and relieved
there are parts of me wound unbelievably tight with stress

but I'll get through it
just call me grace
like “grace under pressure”
or clutch
some of you know how I tend to excel
when the 11th hour draws near

virtual harvest completed
new crop replanted
time to grab some zzzz
ugly time comes soon

I hope you all are well

Cheers,
JJ

GROW GODDAMN YOU...

I'm sitting here in a space that smells like burnt microwave popcorn.

*sigh*

that fucking smell takes forever to leave
to be honest, I don't even remember when I last burn microcorn
but I do watch a great deal of movies
so it might actually not be that long ago

I'm sitting here clackity-clacking
waiting for my virtual grapes
to be ready to harvest
I know...I know...
it doesn't get much more exciting than this
and why am I still single again?

whatever

decent weather is almost consistent here
so thats one in the plus column
been working out regularly
feel good
look better
need to keep going

car is fucked
like Im done with it
soon as I have some money
going to see if I can get
a toyota yaris hbx
if for nothing else just to have reliable transport
to school
fuck work...I can walk to that nonsense

latest audio addiction is fightstar
english post hard core...whateverthefuck
that means
hum was posthardcore/math rock
these guys sound completely different
but I like them

thank you emusic.com

drinking crystal light
pomegranate lemonade
its got shit in it
to help your skin
we all know how much I need that
bf of a friend codenamed this libation
codename delicious
funny and true

brother gets married in less
than
a
month

*bangs head on desk*

color me frustrated
if I were a crayon
Id be failure
not really
but its starting to feel
like that more and more
damn you depression
need to hit the eliptical
hard later on in the am
therefore
I need to go to bed

I hope you all are well

Cheers,
JJ

Yes...

I'm even hungry enough that I would eat a gas station sandwich. However I think a trip to the local market is in order.

I hope you all are well,

JJ

By the power of Greyskull...

I managed to make it to another weekend

I'm also grateful the weather decided to hold out for me, even if it is only for today.

I'll be heading to the gym shortly to get my sweat n' grunt on
gotta try and make it through one more day
another day of self improvement
get myself out of this funk
success starts with day one
and it seems to always be day one

still haven't finished that book I've been telling you about
maybe today
depends on if I have time to get out in the yard and sit
maybe after the grass is cut
sounds like a whole lot of maybe going on
story of my life

I'm loving anything by Imogen Heap right now
she's a singer/songwriter
in case you were wondering why
you weren't finding her on the shelves
at your local booketeria

light breeze just blew in the window
kind of nudging me
“hey...fat kid...let's go”
time to finish my coffee
head to the gym
get ugly
and live my life

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Over & Over...

I'm getting headaches
tension...anxiety...maybe anxsion
either way they can go fuck themselves
cause I know they are work related, driven by work, caused by having to
show at a place that makes me crazy
but I know I have to endure cause I need
health insurance and otherwise I will
shrivel up and die

or

at
least that is what
I
have been made to believe


so...yeah, newsflash: the economy is in the shitter
everyone and their brother is out of work
and if you are lucky enough to still have job
your employer holds it to your head, asking
“do you feel lucky punk?”

I like what I do
I'm very good at what I do
but there is only so much weight you can pile on the camel
before the camel tells you, “go fuck yourself...”

right now I'm trying to clear the dust out of my mouth
forcing facial muscles to form words
trying to catch enough breath
to push them out of my lungs

In other news...

writing class starts this week
not sure why I'm doing this
the only person I write for is me
in notebooks
journals
sometimes here on this blog

my fucking head is killing me
time to crunch down some:
melatonin, DDP & call it a day

I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Bullshit Weather Report...

It's 7:23 in the morning
I've been up almost an hour
went to sleep way to late last night
at least my brain & body feel that way

started the day off with an,”Oh shit...” moment
1 and ½ to 2 tablespoons of coffee per 8 ounces of water
for a cup
not 8 tablespoons and 16 ounces of water

never have been able to get the whole, “math thing”

I dwnldd, “A Positive Rage” by The Hold Steady the other day
really want to listen to it but I know I'm not in the right frame of mind
at least not yet
no coffee, no breakfast, no gym, no Hold Steady...at least not yet

So I substitute
Husker Du's, “Candy Apple Grey”
which seems appropriate
as I look out the window to see the weather not cooperating again

c'est la vie

what else is new right?

first couple of sips of coffee down, things will be alright
I concede...I give...I'm old
at least I feel it
I long for the days of 19 when 4 hrs of sleep was as good as
8 or ten
but not quite as good as the debut album by pearl jam
though some would argue with me
thats fine
many pj songs stand the test of time

I'm fighting the urge to go back to bed/take a nap/get unconcscious in my recliner
spell check just told me I spelled unconscious wrong and I can't figure it out
better luck next time I guess
need to go to the gym and get ugly
I mean like disgustingly sweaty
gross
to the point where I wonder if it's my own ass I'm smelling
burn some fat
burn the candle at both ends

I'm in the middle of a good book
a memoir
seem to be on a non fiction kick
tell you about it when I'm done

probably have more to say
but can't untangle it all
not right now
so I leave it to you

I hope you all are well...

Cheers,
JJ

Here We Go Again...

I know i've spoken about the wonder which is Pandora so I will leave it be
but just so you know, it's kicking my ass right now...in a good way.

I had today off and I guess I was tired cause I ended up sleeping late
obscenely late
like so late I'm embarrassed to say how late here
but since I wasted most of the day unconscious, I opted not to attend a training today
so I'm not one step closer to a raise my place of employment neither wants, nor is able to give
me

Reef called and asked me to come over and hang out
since we haven't seen each other since Abe Lincoln was voted captain of his high school debate team
I drove over
she made me a steak with Montreal seasoning
there was wine
I opted out since
I'm in training

We talked of work, our current economic situations, the lack of love in our lives
she recommended some glasses of wine
again I refrained, for fear I would turn into a weepy mess
not from sadness but frustration
I'm just back from being laid off
I don't want / need to go there again

Tomorrow we have the company, “welcome spring” party
Reef revp'd for me without asking
so I will go
and hang out with a bunch of people
who sent out letters this week
telling those who were laid off
“they are weak staff, therefore the layoff”

Personally I think its all bullshit
and I'm not really in a partying kind of mood
Reef said we should hold hands all night
just to stir up the pot a little
I remember the last time I played “pretend”
last time I did, it was the most painful game I've ever played

I think it was the Backstreet Boys who sang
“Quit Playing Games with My Heart” but don't quote me on that


While I haven't been here a lot, there has been writing going on
maybe at another secret location, like a livejournal
or one of those composition notebooks, you know what I'm talking about
the ones the “less fortunate” kids got made fun of for having
cause their notebooks didn't have pictures of Snoopy, My Little Pony or some other bullshit
and now every “dark and brooding emotional soul” commits feelings to paper in them
making them seem trendy
whatever

Hey Hammmaah...

I got forced to work longer than usual tonight.

Not that I mind the overtime, but when you've had a long shift
and you are anxious to get out, get home and get your pants off
another hour and a half added on to the end of the night is like
a major bite in the ass

but I made it home
alive
not alive with the glory of love
but alive

just finished House
can't decide if I want to
write
read
or maybe just listen to podcasts till I fall asleep

I'm not in school this semester
I thought I would be angrier about that
maybe I would be if I thought there were more
I could have done about it

just makes me hate money that much more

Which makes me realize
my next check
the one without 20 over time hours
is going to be nowhere near as fat as the past one

Tis hard not be somewhat let down buy that
considering I will be in the City of Angels
in less than two months
vacation requests need to go in yesterday

Need to get taxes done
need to get hair done
need for my nursing degree to be done
need needing stuff to be done

Tomorrow, if I am a good guy
I will wake early enough
to get to the post office
and gym before work

too bad I had my black hat on today
and my black shirt
cause you know what 3rd Bass says about that

maybe I deserve the gas face...
methinks not

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Thaw...

I haven't written shit lately 'cause there hasn't been shit to say.

but tonight breaks the silence.
I just feel like I need to download some shit
clear my head so to speak
just bang it out

I'm not in classes this semester due to some financial shit
that makes me pretty angry
life is all about math, money and numbers
at least that's how it seems to me

So when I'm going to work, wishing I was doing something else
I can think about all the money I'm spending to get my grades released
so I can spend more money
and go to more school...so I can go to work

yeah

At work tonight I slipped on the ice
I fell and broke my ass
and possibly my iPod, in my jacket pocket
of the hip I went down on

I haven't even checked to see what the damage is yet
cause if the iPod is a fatality
I'm going to be really pissed
cause I don't have the dough to replace it

and that shit will come in really handy on my trip to Los Angeles in April

if it's not a fatality that is...

So there will be summer classes
and a whole shit load of credits next fall
cause I can't do what I'm doing much longer
I need a break and a raise

right now I have more PTO than God and no time or money to go anywhere

Last week even God said, “damn man, you need a vacation!!”
“ain't that the truth” I said
and a case of Diet Mug Root Beer and a case of Diet Dr. Pepper fell from the sky
and God said, “For all you do, these 2 litres are for you...”

and me and the man upstairs winked and fist bumped one another

It's an odd thing, fist-bumping the almighty
stings and tickles at the same time
but goes really well with the winking
at least that's how I felt

at any rate...

I'm still all set with this winter shit
people who live in snowy or colder places
are just crazy or masochistic or both cause
fuck that...who needs it?

cause whats better than
a tangerine, a cool drink
a beach chair and some sunny quiet time
6 inches of powdery-white back ache?

fuck that.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The score in my head...

Even when...

I'm all fired up and pissed off, this can make me smile.



I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
jG

Spoiler Alert....

In case you are looking for a laugh out loud or feel good post of the week, this is not the place to come. Right now I'm trying to figure out how, we as humans, have reached a point in time where we will trample someone to death to get a bargain on a product, that is a WANT and not a NEED. IF you have no idea what I'm talking about, check it out here.

Things, bling, stuff...we chase all of this stuff, myself included. However, I've never been at a point where I wanted something so bad, I said to myself, “I'm going to get the new Kelly Clarkson cd and I'm going to walk over any motherfucker who gets in my way, cause I deserve it and want to be the first person to put my hands on it.” In addition to getting caught up in the pursuit of meaningless minutia, I've also worked for the devil himself and know full well what Wal*Mart Stores are capable of. There will of course be the code of silence applied to all store personnel and I'm sure jobs will be threatened. Wal*Mart will also employ more spin than a pro-bowler to the media. Damour, the poor soul, trampled to death at the Valley Stream Wal*Mart, was first listed as a hire from a temporary agency, hired to do maintenance in the store.

Sounds plausible enough, he could have been there washing floors or performing other night shift, janitorial duties. Maybe he was actually fixing something like the door, that ultimately gave way and led to his demise? At any rate, one day after this tragic event, I'm reading stories trying to make it appear as if Damour could have possibly been employed as one of the hired, extra security staff. FUCK YOU WAL*MART and FUCK YOU CORPORATE AMERICA! More blood is on your hands and motherfuckers don't think that people are not watching. Let's not leave it up to the temp agency to insult Damour's family by sending them flowers. Wal*Mart should pay for all burial expenses and set up Damour's family for life. Will they? Probably not. There will be some lame excuse like, “the local authorities are looking into this to determine if there will be any criminal charges filed...” YOU BET YOUR SWEET REDNECK ARKANSAS ASS THERE WILL BE CHARGES. Charges of Criminal Negligence, among other things, but what's worse is when you have all the money in the world and an even better legal team, there is no way any of those charges will ever hold up in court.

Still feel good? Still smiling...ok. How about this one?

8 Year old who vowed his 100th spanking would be his last, kills dad.

Anyone see a problem with that? No, I'm not talking about the murder part. I'm talking about a case of criminal neglect, child abuse and a bunch of other things we are probably not privy to.

There is no reason an eight year old should have been spanked one thousand times. None. I'm sorry, you can tell me I don't know what it's like cause I don't have kids and you're right I don't, but I also have been a child and know what spanking is. In addition to that I work with abused children and see every fucking day, the emotional and psychological damage done to kids by parents who don't have any right applying for a library card, let alone having a child. Here's a quick parenting tip: Set expectations. Just like this poor boy did, “Hey the thousandth time you spank me, I'm going to kill you...” He let them know, he kept track, think those spankings didn't mean too much? Think again.

We're turning into a bunch of fucking savages...

I hope you all had a great holiday weekend and remembered what is important with those you love.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

too tired to put anything of any worth down, but I can let you know it is 5:15am and sleep is nowhere to be found.

I'm tired, sore and just want to find a way to put my mind to rest...

so, it's off to download more podcasts and then hopefully to sleep.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Shocker...

went to bed at 4:20am this morning, insert corny stoner joke here...

watched Scarface for the first time ever and didn't know it was two hours and fifty minutes long. Enjoyed the movie but still am not convinced it's Pacino's best work. At any rate here are the things winding my clock.

Gas prices...

Has anyone noticed how gas used to be eleventy billion dollars a gallon and now here in the good old ocean state, you can drive to your local stop and shop and get it for about $1.89 a gallon? Shit, I thought I drove through a wormhole the other day and got transported back to 1999. How? When? WHY did gas prices start to drop?

Methinks this is the calm before the storm...

There has been some rumbling about a plan. One that would free the U.S. from dependence on foreign oil and one that could both create jobs in America and help put cleaner running, more fuel-efficient cars on the road. Where is said plan coming from? From Texas of course! Read all about it right here. While people marvel over the idea that gas prices could fall back down to almost reasonable rates, they forget that the surge in non-natural gas prices will continue. Moreover the addition of these new cars will encourage the gas companies to hump us for as long as possible. Pickens predicts gas being $5/gallon as early as next summer... HOLY JUMPING CHRIST!!! Time for this guy to buy a moped.

Down with the King...

Thanks to Ktech for this update on our favorite fast food royal.

Burger King to go high-end...

Ok, let's be honest, when we think fast food, we're in a rush, are caught up in the tornado of stress eating or it's 2:30 / 9:30 in the morning and you've tried to drink like you're in college again and needs the grease to keep from being D.O.A from a hangover...

but really do the clown, the king or that little red-headed slut ever evoke an image of a high-er end food experience? Maybe so, but only after about 6 hours of mario-kart and countless bong rips...

For Burger King to think they will pull business away from the casual restaurant, and I'm assuming they mean the, Chili's, TGIFridays, Ground Rounds, Perkins of the country versus other fast food shits... is sheer lunacy.

Ribs? Are you kidding me? Look at a competitors business model. Rockdonald's only brings out the McRib once a year at MOST cause it give the general public time to forget how shitty it actually is! Ribs...King please! Thick-er burgers... Shit, I got roped into the angus-steakhouse-porkpackge-whatever-you-want-to-call-it burger once...ONCE! Supposedly, the higher grade meat contributes to a better tasting burger.

Hmmm...maybe this is true back in soviet russia, cause the steakhouse burger I got tasted like someone kicked the asshole out of an out-to-pasture stud horse and then put it on some high-falutin' bullshit roll versus the sesame seeded bun we've come to love and be addicted to. Long story short, having to retool your restaurants with equipment to allow the cooking of ribs and thick-er burgers in this economy is just tomfoolery...plain and simple. Fear not as the dollar menu is not going anywhere. This is a god-send cause I know when my ass is in a knot, nothin' fixes it quicker than a rodeo cheeseburger or two and a diet coke.


Finally...

Pat riots on the Pat-riots

Tom Brady, easy on the eyes, seems to be a nice guy, heck of a quarterback, sold his sole to the devil to go 19-0....ooops went to the well one to many times.

Senior Touchdown is getting bent over by the gossip rags and websites for being seen “walking unaided” around town with Gisele. Am I a life long New Englander, yes. Am I a Patriots fan, yes. Do I think Tom may not be taking his injury and rehab as seriously as he should be...maybe yes, maybe no, but let's not forget some stuff. I can go to work everyday of the week and chances are I can screw up. If I do, no big deal, learn from it and move on. When I leave there is not a press corps waiting to interview me on how bad I feel about blowing it for the team and the scores of fans. Next, even though work can sometimes get pretty hairy, there are not people trying to kill me every weekend, nor are there bounties placed on my head by my coworkers. Let's face it being a QB in the NFL can be the sweetest job, in Brady's case or the worst job, where ultimately you wind up getting in about 5-10 car accidents in one day. Yes, it's a game and these men on their pedestals get millions of dollars to play a game but how much lifelong physical and mental damage can we put a price on?

Now I know some may say well Tom is out screwing around and not rehabing or supporting the team. Fair enough, but when you're thinking that, just remember the days you've called out “sick” or just needed a mental health day and then think about the pressure on Brady. Fact of the matter is if I had the resources and lawyers Tom did, no camera-toting jackass would speak to me like that...ever.

Let's drink till we can't feel feelings.

Yours in Pawtucket,
--Pawtucket Pat

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Beginning of a tough weekend...

even though by the time you read this, it will already be Monday.

Friday had the potential to totally suck rocks but gratefully it got better. Started off having to wake at 0'Dark:30 because the furnace man was coming to work in the rental unit. Yours truly needed to be awake to let him in. So I was, a half hour before he arrived. I thought a half hour was respectable enough for me to not look like I just rolled out of bed. However it was cold and my hoodie and pajama pants didn't help. I totally looked “go college.”

furnace man shows up and seems to be a decent enough guy, minimal small talk, gets right to work. As I am leading him down to the turn-of-the-century basement, mom calls my cell...

Yes, I'm up.
No, I'm up...really.
I'm not 19 anymore...I'm responsible.
He's right here next to me, want to talk to him?
Furnace guy: Can you go and turn the thermostat as high as it will go?
I'm on it.
No mom, that was the furnace guy.
What?
Bad news...go ahead.

and then she hit me with it...

My dog had passed on. Maybe passed on is not the right way to describe it, cause my dad had to put him down. But mom said, “we lost Buster...” as if he was misplaced. For a moment, I really hoped he had ran out of the house and was on the lamb, but deep down I knew what she meant. A 14 year-old bassett hound does not run away from a fireplace, two hots a day and probably as many walks, especially not when he has someone who loves him as much as my dad did.

There was more small talk between my mother and I, not that I can recall what was said, but, we exchanged good byes. I hung up and for a second sat down and just wished the fucking furnace man could be done. I wanted a few seconds alone. Maybe not to wail and gnash my teeth but, if I did want to do that, it would be ok.

he came upstairs about 15 minutes later, handed me a bill and then started with the small talk again. Asking if, “I had grown up in this area?” I told him he had and he name dropped some names on me. Names from my childhood and early adolescents. Names of kids who used to beat the shit out of me and torment me just for fun. Three brothers, two legit, one adopted, all mostly assholes. One is a cop, the other owns his own landscaping business and the third..well he just looks like a full-time prick. Driving around in his Mercedes convertible, trying to not let his thinning hair and bald spot show.

I didn't regale furnace man with tales of times gone by. I wanted him to go so I could be alone and start my day. He left. I took some time to think about my dog. I cried. I'm not above admitting it. There are certain bonds when created it takes a death to end them. My bond with Buster was good but not as strong as his bond with my father. For whatever reason my parents don't really associate with a whole lot of people. Not to say they're shut-ins or snobs but they still work a great deal and volunteer, so their free time is limited and often they just want alone time, much like myself.

My dad would get up every morning and go to the bathroom, take his pills and feed Buster. After Buster ate there was a quick walk and then dad and Buster would hop in the car. They would drive off the island to Tim Horton's where my dad would get a coffee and donut combo. The coffee for my dad, the donut for Buster. From what both my parents tell me, Buster was quite a hit at the drive-thru and usually he was salivating just waiting to pull into the window.

My dad grew up an only child, in a cold house, not to say he was not loved, but communication was not a strong suit of either my paternal grandparents. Grandad ha seen some shit in WWII and afterward, worked for the FBI for a short time. My grandmother, armed with a high school education, worked as a nurse for about a hundred years. After retiring, she donated about two thousand gallons of blood and did hospice visits or something or other. My dad had a good child hood, like me he was a fat kid, but I'm sure he wanted for nothing. He grew up with three or four great friends, two of which he is still in contact with and occasionally sees. Buster however, was a constant. Always around, always looking to see what my dad was up to...where he was going...and if there might be a treat involved.

The last two dogs my family has had have been bassetts. Rosebud, Busters predecessor, died early, we think she ate some rat poison and hemorrhaged to death cause our local vet was, “too busy” to take her. Buster on the other hand lived to be fourteen and had been in declining health. My dad was away at a conference when Rosebud died. I think he felt some sense of responsibility, I'm not sure why.

Dad was the only one around when the vet found a softball sized tumor on Buster's spleen. Mom told me that he called her at work, she has been working at the school she retired from just to pick up some extra money. “Wait...wait..wait..let me be there with you, “ she told me she told my father over the phone. He told her, “not to worry, that he could do this and not to bother leaving work.” He was the only one around when he made the decision. He was the only one around when his best friend was put to sleep.

Even now, there is a part of me that wants to know what was going through his head at that point. Not because I want him to relive a major tragedy in his life, but to gain from his experience. My dad has always been the greatest example of strength to me and I'm sure he felt anything but strong at that point. Part of me wants to give him a big hug and let him know he provided a wonderful life for Buster and that dog could not have asked for better owners and friends than my parents. But I won't say anything because I know how hard it is for him to express his feelings and even though I know it's cathartic for some, I think my dad is better left alone.

I finish this post tired and teary-eyed at the loss of a great friend and wonderful pet. I've been trying to take comfort in the fact that like the movie says, “All Dogs Go to Heaven.” I want to believe that. It is my firm hope and belief Buster has crossed the Rainbow Bridge without issue and is playing with all of his new found friends.

Rest In Peace Buster, we will miss you very much!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Checking in...

I was hungry, I mean like really hungry. The kind of hungry where you wake up and you immediately know you've contracted the worst case of food poisoning ever or that you need to eat with in 15 minutes, or the hurling will be legendary.

So off to Stop&Shop I go. Bagel, butter, two bottles of peach flavored water.
back home.
scrambled eggs (2) some shredded cheddar and some Cholula. (If you haven't tried it and you like hot sauce, get on it)
toasted bagel, big...BIG cup of coffee
now I wait for everything to fill the void.

sitting here banging away on the keyboard seems so foreign. Like, I almost have a sense of guilt in having not written for so long.
Not just not written here, but written anything.
I remember when fall was a time where my writing flowed like sands through the hourglass.
when my thoughts and images were sharp and clear like Waterford crystal and my only limitation was how fast I could type.

the novelty has not worn off but its not as shiny and inviting as the other toys on the playroom floor
sleep
school work
reading the blogs of others...jealous
blog envy
what the fuck
how stupid is that
how lame and Gen Y is that

Not jealous of hits
or
comments
or
pro bloggers
or even
A-listers
but of their ability to bang it out
everyday
without
fail
or hesitation
nonstop
regardless of the obstacles

Of all the things I envy consistency the most
true grit
determination
not phoning it in

Cup check time...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Final Countdown...

No doubt we've all been following the coverage of the upcoming election. If not, what the hell could possibly be more important? The fact the fate of our country, the UNITED States of America lies in the next election can not be ignored. The title United States no longer works as a name for the land we all love so much. Never have I seen so many people divided by class, race, religion, sex, economic background, education, sexual preference and the list goes on and on. Where is the breaking point? How much more failure can we endure before the nation as a whole crumbles?

Our only hope, yours and mine lies in change and that change is to vote OBAMA / BIDEN in November.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

New School / Olde School

Ahhh!!! Procrastination will be the fucking death of me!

So much to do this week, I might freak out. It's going to be interesting. Most of what is on the “to do list” is top secret, lucky for you, blogging(?) is not on the, “to do list.”

Last night I did go and witness the rebirth of the rock. Old friends' new band played at The Living Room and I'm happy to report that it's still the filthiest fucking club in the known universe. Those of you whom I went to college with, who witnessed the filth that was the floor of Jake's/Bangers/whateveritwascalledafter2000, this place makes that look like a hospital. Anywho, new band went on at 8:30, which was great for my old man ass. I can't be raging and rocking into the wee hours of the morning any more, not and hope to be any sort of productive at least.

Show was good, music is not quite my cup of tea, a little dirty 70's rock. Stuff I wasn't into a bazillion years ago, but I have to say that it was one of the most solid performances and best sounding sets I've ever heard in that dump. The headliner...Overcast, was a band I used to really, really dig in the early ninety's. The played the type of hardcore that was just brutal and Overcast came to be a staple of the New England Hardcore Scene. How they were repeatedly passed over by indie metal labels, I have no idea. I would have love to have stayed and been aurally abused by Overcast, but recent illnesses, my hunger and a few other things told me to go home. As I sit here and write this post, I'm listening to Reborn to Kill Again, a re-recording of all old Overcast songs, by Overcast. I have to tell you, I'm kicking myself in the ass for not finishing the gig last night.

However, there are just some places you don't even want to be confronted with having to take a shit.

23 Rathbone Street
Providence, RI 02903
happens to be one of those places.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

What?!?!

I'm a man of reasonable patience but shit is getting crazy yo...

I waited in line for gas for 45 minutes...eff that!

today I went to the Stop&Shop you know, cause it's the grocery store near my house, that also sells gasoline, and they have this cool rewards program, hooked up to the little card you scan every time you shop. Something to the effect of, spend x amount of dollars get y cents off of a gallon of gas. Not only does this give me incentive to shop more...to earn more $$$ off of gas, but it gives me an incentive to buy better, more expensive food, thus eating better.

...not that I live on koolade and moon pies mind you, but I have been known to still rock the ramen noodles, even as a grown adult. Eating ramen kind of makes me mad, cause I made a promise to myself that I would never eat it again, after college. However, the summer that I worked on the landscaping crew at school, and essentially lived on ramen, was one of the best summers ever. Not cause of the ramen mind you, but the camaraderie of a bunch of misfits doing back breaking manual labor, for pennies an hour, and we still felt like we had the best jobs in the world. Yeah, there was a fuck-load of shit to get done everyday and the heat and humidity were often lunacy but it was still just sheer awesomeness.

Wake up usually around 5:50 am to roll into the clothes you wore yesterday to get to the maintanence dept for 6:00
punch in
wait for bosses to show up at 7:00
some would sleep more
some would chat it up
I would eat my “breakfast ramen” dry, no seasoning, like raw spaghetti...
mmm...delicious

Boss man and sidekick would show at 7:00
both bleary-eyed from a long night of drinking
much like the rest of us
give us shit for not working yet
when all the equipment was under their locks and keys

decent size team
two trimmers
two mowers
two ride ons
and the flower bed girls

7:30 and the humidty already ridiculous
ramen gone
four cups of water down
half a mile of grass cut already
seven hours of work left

on to next job
Yon's field, Yon's the Bro's house
passed the first bowl to pass the time
mow and trim and mow and trim and mow and trim
water break
holy shit it's 10:15
coffee break consisting of one lunchable and either mountain dew or chocolate milk, depending on humidity
rush back to work, corn nuts rattling in a pocket
off to the president's house
but first, a stop at the pole barn
...another bowl
mow...trim...mow...trim...mow...trim...trim...mow
so effin' hot
five cups of ice water
corn nuts for the salt
guy from malaysia in a long sleeve rugby shirt and corduroys...laughing at all of us
12:00

If we had money, 5 minutes down the road for two ham'n'cheese samiches and the biggest mt dew ever
no cash, back to the dorm, ramen with water dumped out, no seasoning, either hot sauce/ketchup/hot mustard and a gallon of water
back to garage for 12:30, quick snooze under the trees
1PM let's hit 'er
no more grass to smoke but plenty to cut
ripping on one another during water breaks
raunchy jokes
butt-nut fights
wondering if it's possible to sweat anymore
no more corn nuts

finish with current job and hide out for half hour in a/c cooled building
someone always on watch for the boss
running out the back door, equipment primed and ready to go
back to sweat pouring and smelling like hard work and filthy ass
hour later back at the garage, packing it in, boss with dilly bars for all
stretch out the cramps and cool down
walk over to punch out
climb mt. olympus to go home shower and do it all again
in 12 hours

So bitter right now...

There's been a whole lot of thinking going on and not a whole lot of writing. I'm not wasting time with an apology cause for one, I'm not really sorry and two, what's the point? If people were really interested with what is going on, the emails, calls and such would have been coming in. Here again this is not me looking for sympathy, empathy or anything ending in athy, it's just one guy speaking his mind on his feelings.

Back to the aforementioned thinking...

damn, you know you have a lot on your mind when if you don't keep yourself busy, you start to think in monologues, soliloquies or asides. Usually when this happens, I take it as a sign to start blogging but what if I really don't have anything to say? Then my incessant rambling becomes nothing more than, “today I got up and had some breakfast...” So what? Most people do both of those things, wake up and or at some point during the day, eat something. Just because it may not be morning, does not mean you can't call your first meal of the day breakfast.

This is all going to seem disjointed and purposeless but I have to get it all out or I think I might scream. I fucking hate being responsible and having a great work ethic. Why? Because today is probably the best day of the summer and I'm going to spend inside a fucking stinky and filthy building at work. Today I am going to have to pretend like I give a shit about things I can neither control, nor change, instead of sit outside and read a book, go for a walk in the park or any of a million and a half things I would rather be doing than being at work. What's more annoying? I have not had more than three days off in a row ( I know this is not the norm and that we all only usually get 2 day weekends) in a fucking year. I have not asked to take vacation time even though I have a ton of it, and moreover I'm going to let that shit build until they either force me to take it or tell me I either have to take time out or sell some days back to the agency.

Not a cloud in the fucking sky mid to high 80's with a slight breeze. How do you get any better than that? The only way to make that better is to put my ass in a chair on a tropical beach, with an endless supply of diet soda and a stack of good books. I would be ok with not going to work today even if no one was around to hang out. Even if all I did was to sit in my back yard and read in the sun.

This leads into my next point. School.

Can I tell you how not amped I am to have the semester starting in like a week? Not very. The last thing I want to have to do is have all of my waking free time, with my nose in a text book or going over video tutorials or making flash cards. On top of all of that having to spend my other waking hours at a job that I'm torturing myself with school so I can get away from my place of employment, as soon as fucking possible, is not really high on my list of shit to do either. I don't do well when I'm sleep deprived. I mean I can function albeit barely but what's worse is I know that I'm busting my ass to get through nursing school so that I can stop working second shift, only to be an RN and have to start at the bottom and work either second or even third shift until I have paid my dues and a day shift slot opens up.

When the hell did the fun monster come and eat my life? I feel like I've done nothing and do nothing but work. I have not been to the beach once, nor driven down to my parents place because my fucking car will blow up and who has an extra $900 laying around, for repairs, when gas is eleventy billion dollars a gallon?

I'm looking forward to taking the week of Thanksgiving off and going to NYC to see some old friends from school. What's going to be funny is when people bitch and complain about me getting to take a holiday off, after I have not taken more than one day off, and I have more seniority then almost everyone else (barring two guys who have 5 years more time in than me) on my unit. You know what? Go fuck yourself and cry about it to someone who gives a shit, I'm done.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ