life on Planet Hoth has been rather chilly as of late.
As I walked out of the work the other morning, the cold grabbed me by my bronchi and shook me all the way back to 1997
cause it had been approximately that long since
my breath had been taken away by the weather
shit was cold
even as I struggled to force my airways open
to breathe and nourish my body with o2
a smile made an appearance on my face
a rarity in these times
even though
things are on the upswing
school
job
progress
there was a duality in my iceberg moment
being transported back in time
via nostalgia and mister freeze
yet enjoying the painful pleasure
of drastic temperature change
in your lungs
that only winter can bring
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Too Many Ghosts...
in the machine.
Time for a reboot, reset, restart
reinvigorate
refocus
reprioritize
recommit
things are a changing
I am back to work
I am back in school
but
I am not 100% health wise
which is fucking with my mental health
which causes me to doubt and worry
and even when I manage to put the doubt
and worry to bed for awhile
like a good parent
I am ever vigilant
and I know they are still there
being positive is hard
probably one of the hardest things
I've ever tried to do
but I think it's working
and has been beneficial to me
so
I have to keep going
even though
the class which I am in now
has been known to make people quit the nursing program
even though when the majority of the rest of the country is asleep
I am working
even though
I am not even close to where I want to be in life
I see the footprints behind me
and I recognize I have made progress
and even though it is little comfort
it still steels me and helps me to keep going
I'm no one's motivational speaker
nor should I be
I'm just a guy who has become very,very good
at putting one foot in front of the other
when the going gets tough
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Time for a reboot, reset, restart
reinvigorate
refocus
reprioritize
recommit
things are a changing
I am back to work
I am back in school
but
I am not 100% health wise
which is fucking with my mental health
which causes me to doubt and worry
and even when I manage to put the doubt
and worry to bed for awhile
like a good parent
I am ever vigilant
and I know they are still there
being positive is hard
probably one of the hardest things
I've ever tried to do
but I think it's working
and has been beneficial to me
so
I have to keep going
even though
the class which I am in now
has been known to make people quit the nursing program
even though when the majority of the rest of the country is asleep
I am working
even though
I am not even close to where I want to be in life
I see the footprints behind me
and I recognize I have made progress
and even though it is little comfort
it still steels me and helps me to keep going
I'm no one's motivational speaker
nor should I be
I'm just a guy who has become very,very good
at putting one foot in front of the other
when the going gets tough
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
Here's the news...
this just in...
apparently I was screaming in my sleep last night. Not loud enough to wake me, mind you but, loud enough for it to be mentioned at breakfast this morning. As I have no recollection about any of the dreams I may or may not have had, I am clueless to the cause of said screaming.
That being said, I have two more days before next doctor appointment and hopefully find out that I am healing and also, that I no longer need to walk with the aid of crutches. Here’s to keeping fingers and toes for that matter, crossed.
In other non-related but important none-the-less news, Jerry Sandusky, the now convicted, child molester/assistant football coach, from Penn State, has been sentenced to at least 30 years in prison.
“At least 30 years in prison...”
I know, I know. Sandusky, now 68, will “more than likely” die in prison. However, I don’t feel the need to coddle this man at all. Sentenced for 30-60 years implies, at least to me, that if Sandusky were 18 years old, he might have a glimmer of hope for freedom. While I don’t endorse the death penalty, Yes, even in this case, I think it would have been better to have Sandusky’s sentence be given as 45 years, with no possibility of parole.
And...Done
You know what? If you can survive in prison, as a convicted child molester, until you are 113 years old. You have my blessing to walk out the front gates on the last day of your sentence. Until then, remember the words of my good buddy, DMX, “It’s dark and Hell is hot!!!”
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
apparently I was screaming in my sleep last night. Not loud enough to wake me, mind you but, loud enough for it to be mentioned at breakfast this morning. As I have no recollection about any of the dreams I may or may not have had, I am clueless to the cause of said screaming.
That being said, I have two more days before next doctor appointment and hopefully find out that I am healing and also, that I no longer need to walk with the aid of crutches. Here’s to keeping fingers and toes for that matter, crossed.
In other non-related but important none-the-less news, Jerry Sandusky, the now convicted, child molester/assistant football coach, from Penn State, has been sentenced to at least 30 years in prison.
“At least 30 years in prison...”
I know, I know. Sandusky, now 68, will “more than likely” die in prison. However, I don’t feel the need to coddle this man at all. Sentenced for 30-60 years implies, at least to me, that if Sandusky were 18 years old, he might have a glimmer of hope for freedom. While I don’t endorse the death penalty, Yes, even in this case, I think it would have been better to have Sandusky’s sentence be given as 45 years, with no possibility of parole.
And...Done
You know what? If you can survive in prison, as a convicted child molester, until you are 113 years old. You have my blessing to walk out the front gates on the last day of your sentence. Until then, remember the words of my good buddy, DMX, “It’s dark and Hell is hot!!!”
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Monday, October 08, 2012
Sniff...hack...sniff
I tried to be slick and work some magic on technology today and it kind of blew up in my face. Nothing major but enough to perturb me, and make me want to take a step away from the drawing board for a moment.
day four on crutches
shits getting old
dressing on my foot is hanging tougher than a new kid
which is a good thing
cause I’m hoping the graft takes place and when they remove said dressing
this upcoming Thursday
I’ll be even closer to being done with weekly dr. appointments
can’t tell if I am coming down with a cold, developing allergies or some combination thereof
either way
getting sick is for the birds, and like the birds, I wish I was heading South
or North
or anywhere out of this forsaken rock
been having some nutty dreams lately
nothing worth mentioning but usually I wake up and have one person from the dream I cannot place and this bothers me
I spent the better part of a half hour this morning, trying to figure out where last nights femme fatale was from
after some cobb-web clearing and the use of the scientific method, a cashier from Stop&Shop was my final answer. Whether or not it was the Manton Store, or Mariner Square is yet to be determined.
I’m now keeping a notebook right next to my bed, in order to write down dreams or anything else noteworthy, should they wake me. If nothing else, it may be more fodder for me to talk about or post here. Don’t all three of you get over-excited on me, all at once.
Hmmm, these sniffles are starting to feel vaguely like post-nasal drip. I need that like I need a second asshole, on my forehead. Better hit the hay. Lord knows I don’t log anywhere enough beauty sleep anymore, let alone enough to keep me reasonably healthy.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
day four on crutches
shits getting old
dressing on my foot is hanging tougher than a new kid
which is a good thing
cause I’m hoping the graft takes place and when they remove said dressing
this upcoming Thursday
I’ll be even closer to being done with weekly dr. appointments
can’t tell if I am coming down with a cold, developing allergies or some combination thereof
either way
getting sick is for the birds, and like the birds, I wish I was heading South
or North
or anywhere out of this forsaken rock
been having some nutty dreams lately
nothing worth mentioning but usually I wake up and have one person from the dream I cannot place and this bothers me
I spent the better part of a half hour this morning, trying to figure out where last nights femme fatale was from
after some cobb-web clearing and the use of the scientific method, a cashier from Stop&Shop was my final answer. Whether or not it was the Manton Store, or Mariner Square is yet to be determined.
I’m now keeping a notebook right next to my bed, in order to write down dreams or anything else noteworthy, should they wake me. If nothing else, it may be more fodder for me to talk about or post here. Don’t all three of you get over-excited on me, all at once.
Hmmm, these sniffles are starting to feel vaguely like post-nasal drip. I need that like I need a second asshole, on my forehead. Better hit the hay. Lord knows I don’t log anywhere enough beauty sleep anymore, let alone enough to keep me reasonably healthy.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Where in the...
world did JackassJimmy go?!
I finished my CNA class the other night. No one is happier than I, that I don’t have to make the hour drive, three times a week, any more than I am. When I reached the end of the class, even before reaching the end, I knew I was done. Not done, like I didn’t want to go on, further my health care education and career but, just done with being free labor. Busting my ass three nights a week for no money. When you’ve been unemployed for as long as I have, working hard enough that it looks like you could use a shower, an hour into your shift, there needs to be some sort of compensation.
My compensation is that I am done.
Walked out of the nursing home and felt as if a ton of bricks had been lifted from my chest. Not only was it easier to breathe but I knew I was done with some of the people and energies I had experienced along the way. I can weather many situations but nursing homes just really take it out of me. There is barely anything positive associated with them in my eyes. Sure you have a select few people, who really like their job, honestly care about the patients, and really try to do the best they can. Others are more or less in a holding pattern, until they can find something better & or more lucrative for themselves.
I wouldn’t say I made friends in my class, which is odd for me but, in retrospect, we’re all such different people and personality types. Some I had pegged from day one, others, I couldn’t have been more off the mark if I tried. We were comrades in arms. It was sink or swim from day one and if you were seen as dead weight, you drowned. I’m just glad I was able to help myself & the others around me and have them at my back, when I needed a hand. Never underestimate what you think you can do. Put yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone. Like really think about it from the perspective of another.
Sure, cleaning up someone who is incontinent and has soiled themselves is gross. No doubt about it. Would I rather do something else? Of course, who wouldn’t? On the flip-side of that, imagine being that person, who because of age, injury, or a number of other reasons, has to rely on someone for the most basic of functions. As grossed out as you may or may not feel, I can guarantee you, their embarrassment is a thousand times greater than how grossed out or uncomfortable you may feel. Being a caregiver of any kind is difficult and rewarding. Some days you go to work and feel like you are the luckiest person in the world. Other days, you’ll be convinced the universe is out to get you with all of the shit it throws your way.
Be human and realize there are going to be good and bad days. That you too will someday, more than likely, rely on someone, a family-member or caregiver etc., for something. If there is one thing I’ve learned over the course of the last 4 months or so, it’s that people can be really awful to one another. I’m sure you have experienced it first hand, I know I have. It sounds cliche but it really doesn’t take all that much more energy to be nice and if not nice, basically considerate for other people. Are you always going to be given the same courtesy, probably not. Lead by example. Life is short. Be helpful, be humble and do one thing everyday to make the life of someone else better or easier in someway.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
I finished my CNA class the other night. No one is happier than I, that I don’t have to make the hour drive, three times a week, any more than I am. When I reached the end of the class, even before reaching the end, I knew I was done. Not done, like I didn’t want to go on, further my health care education and career but, just done with being free labor. Busting my ass three nights a week for no money. When you’ve been unemployed for as long as I have, working hard enough that it looks like you could use a shower, an hour into your shift, there needs to be some sort of compensation.
My compensation is that I am done.
Walked out of the nursing home and felt as if a ton of bricks had been lifted from my chest. Not only was it easier to breathe but I knew I was done with some of the people and energies I had experienced along the way. I can weather many situations but nursing homes just really take it out of me. There is barely anything positive associated with them in my eyes. Sure you have a select few people, who really like their job, honestly care about the patients, and really try to do the best they can. Others are more or less in a holding pattern, until they can find something better & or more lucrative for themselves.
I wouldn’t say I made friends in my class, which is odd for me but, in retrospect, we’re all such different people and personality types. Some I had pegged from day one, others, I couldn’t have been more off the mark if I tried. We were comrades in arms. It was sink or swim from day one and if you were seen as dead weight, you drowned. I’m just glad I was able to help myself & the others around me and have them at my back, when I needed a hand. Never underestimate what you think you can do. Put yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone. Like really think about it from the perspective of another.
Sure, cleaning up someone who is incontinent and has soiled themselves is gross. No doubt about it. Would I rather do something else? Of course, who wouldn’t? On the flip-side of that, imagine being that person, who because of age, injury, or a number of other reasons, has to rely on someone for the most basic of functions. As grossed out as you may or may not feel, I can guarantee you, their embarrassment is a thousand times greater than how grossed out or uncomfortable you may feel. Being a caregiver of any kind is difficult and rewarding. Some days you go to work and feel like you are the luckiest person in the world. Other days, you’ll be convinced the universe is out to get you with all of the shit it throws your way.
Be human and realize there are going to be good and bad days. That you too will someday, more than likely, rely on someone, a family-member or caregiver etc., for something. If there is one thing I’ve learned over the course of the last 4 months or so, it’s that people can be really awful to one another. I’m sure you have experienced it first hand, I know I have. It sounds cliche but it really doesn’t take all that much more energy to be nice and if not nice, basically considerate for other people. Are you always going to be given the same courtesy, probably not. Lead by example. Life is short. Be helpful, be humble and do one thing everyday to make the life of someone else better or easier in someway.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Who the hell...
fall kicked the bedroom door open this am
and while it's not cold
it was a bit chilly sleeping with the window open
gratefully
no stiff
neck
back
or other appendages
my to do list today is filled with
terrible
horrible things
stuff that is no fun for anyone
and it's stuff that just has to get done
cause my future relies on it
"no kind of pressure than the kind
one puts on themselves," I always say.
coffee was delicious
and facilitate the grumbly tumbly
but I'm now in the in between
and don't know whether to
go brekkie
or lunch
decision, decisions
maybe I should stop
blah-blah-blahing and get to work
have a great Saturday ya'll
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
and while it's not cold
it was a bit chilly sleeping with the window open
gratefully
no stiff
neck
back
or other appendages
my to do list today is filled with
terrible
horrible things
stuff that is no fun for anyone
and it's stuff that just has to get done
cause my future relies on it
"no kind of pressure than the kind
one puts on themselves," I always say.
coffee was delicious
and facilitate the grumbly tumbly
but I'm now in the in between
and don't know whether to
go brekkie
or lunch
decision, decisions
maybe I should stop
blah-blah-blahing and get to work
have a great Saturday ya'll
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Friday, September 14, 2012
For those of...
you keeping score:
nursing home 7
jackassjimmy’s back -23
pretty sure I finished my clinical rotation the other night.
now it’s back into the classroom for a few more tests & then hasta la pasta…and I’m out
Didn’t apply for a job @ said nursing home
I’m done
no more free labor from me
the people working there are fine, catty but, fine
I also think me, working in a dude-free environment, is probably not the best idea
I mean my back is already train-wrecked, no need to set that wreck on fire
I applied for a few jobs this week
one better than the other
way better really
but at this point
if I can get in front of someone
and get an interview
I might crack a smile for the first time since
Lincoln was President
the foot is on fire today
weird…cause it’s healing
doc said, “It looks much, much better…”
which was a relief
but I still feel a good amount of
spontaneous pain
like burning
not bad enough to warrant medication
but certainly enough to complain about
this new dressing he put on
is supposed to stay on for a week
not sure how well that’s gonna go
especially if my feet start sweating, as they are want to do
fall is knocking on the door
and I’m feeling the slight shift in my mood already
I don’t think having my master piece of a garden
ripped out of the ground
to plant grass
helps much
but who am I?
been getting msgs
from the way back
people I was never even really connected with
makes me wonder if the universe is trying to
set me up for another
donkey punch
or
worse
one cant ever be to careful
when the universe is concerned
cause there are times one wants
to be
a guy
and there are times one knows
what the right thing
to do is
and never the two shall meet
and so we have these experiences
teachable moments
mistakes
and in order
to not die of
shame
embarrassment
etc.
we name it
learning
I’ve had about as much learnin’ as I can take in one life time.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
nursing home 7
jackassjimmy’s back -23
pretty sure I finished my clinical rotation the other night.
now it’s back into the classroom for a few more tests & then hasta la pasta…and I’m out
Didn’t apply for a job @ said nursing home
I’m done
no more free labor from me
the people working there are fine, catty but, fine
I also think me, working in a dude-free environment, is probably not the best idea
I mean my back is already train-wrecked, no need to set that wreck on fire
I applied for a few jobs this week
one better than the other
way better really
but at this point
if I can get in front of someone
and get an interview
I might crack a smile for the first time since
Lincoln was President
the foot is on fire today
weird…cause it’s healing
doc said, “It looks much, much better…”
which was a relief
but I still feel a good amount of
spontaneous pain
like burning
not bad enough to warrant medication
but certainly enough to complain about
this new dressing he put on
is supposed to stay on for a week
not sure how well that’s gonna go
especially if my feet start sweating, as they are want to do
fall is knocking on the door
and I’m feeling the slight shift in my mood already
I don’t think having my master piece of a garden
ripped out of the ground
to plant grass
helps much
but who am I?
been getting msgs
from the way back
people I was never even really connected with
makes me wonder if the universe is trying to
set me up for another
donkey punch
or
worse
one cant ever be to careful
when the universe is concerned
cause there are times one wants
to be
a guy
and there are times one knows
what the right thing
to do is
and never the two shall meet
and so we have these experiences
teachable moments
mistakes
and in order
to not die of
shame
embarrassment
etc.
we name it
learning
I’ve had about as much learnin’ as I can take in one life time.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Somethings got to...
give...
Just came back from second podiatrist appointment in as many weeks.
in the words of Paula Abdul, “One step forward and two steps back”
apparently the opposites which don’t attract in my life are health and feet
I’m not going to lie, starting to get a little freaked out by the fact that I’m not able to be on my feet for any extended period of time.
Yes
I’ve been here before
Yes
I know it takes time for these things to heal
Still
it doesn’t make the anticipating, hoping, waiting and wishing go any faster
So
another hiatus from
work
working out
delicious things
and generally living life
Pretty awesome if you ask someone who is not
me
Week off from CNA class could not have come at a better time
I still feel kind of shitty about the Doc giving me shit about not having insurance
it’s not like I don’t want to be insured
it’s not like I don’t want to work
it’s not like I am trying to screw the system over and get something for nothing
I would pay the full amount if I were able
and yet
even though I still able to contribute something
I get the verbal chorus of disapproval and the equivalent of a finger shake at me
I suppose if I worked three jobs
put myself through a good college
were conservative
and followed the GOP blindly
like a fucking sheep
things would be better off for me
At least that’s what I am being force fed by everyone around me.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Just came back from second podiatrist appointment in as many weeks.
in the words of Paula Abdul, “One step forward and two steps back”
apparently the opposites which don’t attract in my life are health and feet
I’m not going to lie, starting to get a little freaked out by the fact that I’m not able to be on my feet for any extended period of time.
Yes
I’ve been here before
Yes
I know it takes time for these things to heal
Still
it doesn’t make the anticipating, hoping, waiting and wishing go any faster
So
another hiatus from
work
working out
delicious things
and generally living life
Pretty awesome if you ask someone who is not
me
Week off from CNA class could not have come at a better time
I still feel kind of shitty about the Doc giving me shit about not having insurance
it’s not like I don’t want to be insured
it’s not like I don’t want to work
it’s not like I am trying to screw the system over and get something for nothing
I would pay the full amount if I were able
and yet
even though I still able to contribute something
I get the verbal chorus of disapproval and the equivalent of a finger shake at me
I suppose if I worked three jobs
put myself through a good college
were conservative
and followed the GOP blindly
like a fucking sheep
things would be better off for me
At least that’s what I am being force fed by everyone around me.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Sunday, August 26, 2012
I was in...
an uber bad fucking mood
and then I started listening to some new to me music
“The Hymn of a Broken Man” by Times of Grace, to be exact. I don’t know what the jury says about this disc but to be honest, I’m into it and I’ve only heard like the first 4-5 tracks
I think that says something about the musicianship and talent that went into this recording
Not only that but, I no longer feel like smashing shit, getting in a fight for no reason or doing some other dumb and non-productive shit
Back to the grind tomorrow night and I’m not even sure I can call it that cause, when you grind, you get paid. There is no money exchanging hands here. Maybe I will have to retitle my actions, “the wipe” or “the rub” as the case may be.
Watched “Jeff who lives at Home” and “The Hunger Games” this weekend. They both made me wish the Redbox had feelings, so I could say mean shit to it and make it feel bad about itself.
With a cast including Ed Helms, Susan Sarandon, Rae Dawn Chong and Jason Seigel, I expected something other than a turd trying to win the gold medal in the pole vault competition, at the shit olympics. Jeff, who lives at Home did not even place. That being said. Hunger Games was not better by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t understand what all the hype was about for the books and I understand even less about hype for the movie. When the best acting performance is delivered by Lenny Kravitz, one might want to think about who cast the leads.
Finished World War Z finally. I’ve been reading that book for what seems like the better part of a decade. It was entertaining, not life changing but, I’m not sorry I invested time in it either. I started In the Garden of the Beasts this afternoon. It’s the latest in the selection of books from my brother & sister-in-laws book club. I don’t know where people find these books but, since no one has read either of the last two selections, my hopes for anyone reading about the developing relations between pre-WWII Germany and the United States are minimal at best. If I’m surprised and people actually do read and discuss the book, you’ll be the first to know.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
and then I started listening to some new to me music
“The Hymn of a Broken Man” by Times of Grace, to be exact. I don’t know what the jury says about this disc but to be honest, I’m into it and I’ve only heard like the first 4-5 tracks
I think that says something about the musicianship and talent that went into this recording
Not only that but, I no longer feel like smashing shit, getting in a fight for no reason or doing some other dumb and non-productive shit
Back to the grind tomorrow night and I’m not even sure I can call it that cause, when you grind, you get paid. There is no money exchanging hands here. Maybe I will have to retitle my actions, “the wipe” or “the rub” as the case may be.
Watched “Jeff who lives at Home” and “The Hunger Games” this weekend. They both made me wish the Redbox had feelings, so I could say mean shit to it and make it feel bad about itself.
With a cast including Ed Helms, Susan Sarandon, Rae Dawn Chong and Jason Seigel, I expected something other than a turd trying to win the gold medal in the pole vault competition, at the shit olympics. Jeff, who lives at Home did not even place. That being said. Hunger Games was not better by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t understand what all the hype was about for the books and I understand even less about hype for the movie. When the best acting performance is delivered by Lenny Kravitz, one might want to think about who cast the leads.
Finished World War Z finally. I’ve been reading that book for what seems like the better part of a decade. It was entertaining, not life changing but, I’m not sorry I invested time in it either. I started In the Garden of the Beasts this afternoon. It’s the latest in the selection of books from my brother & sister-in-laws book club. I don’t know where people find these books but, since no one has read either of the last two selections, my hopes for anyone reading about the developing relations between pre-WWII Germany and the United States are minimal at best. If I’m surprised and people actually do read and discuss the book, you’ll be the first to know.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
BOOM!!!
it's almost four am and I am still awake
stressed out about not hearing from potential employer
I know they have to review my materials
but in all honesty
my resume is one page
wtf is the hold up?
it's a test I tell you
Im almost at the point
where I dont even care
anymore
sad part is
I really do.
I really, really do
I want to go back to work in the worst way
this semi-self-imposed vacation became
long and boring
about twelve and a half
months ago
the money is not even the worst part
its the lack of inter-action
the lack of sense of purpose
that bother me the most
most days I don't even know what fucking day it is
not cause I spent the previous night getting screaming drunk
and all sorts of fucked up on illicit substances
but because when there is nothing to do
nowhere to go
no one to talk to
then all of the
days and nights and inbetweens
just fucking run together
like some kind of final art project
done in haste
in hopes that graduation
is still a possibility
yeah
i
don't know anything about that
later on I will be going to apple
with momzilla
trying to find her a pair of wireless
headphones
loud enough so that
we dont have to
duct tape the stereo
to her head
im also going to take my
ipod
in the hope that a factory reset
is all it needs versus being dead
cause in the grand scheme of things
I do enjoy my music
but at this point
the ipod can go to that big scrap heap in the sky
if it means
im able to start work at some point
this month
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
stressed out about not hearing from potential employer
I know they have to review my materials
but in all honesty
my resume is one page
wtf is the hold up?
it's a test I tell you
Im almost at the point
where I dont even care
anymore
sad part is
I really do.
I really, really do
I want to go back to work in the worst way
this semi-self-imposed vacation became
long and boring
about twelve and a half
months ago
the money is not even the worst part
its the lack of inter-action
the lack of sense of purpose
that bother me the most
most days I don't even know what fucking day it is
not cause I spent the previous night getting screaming drunk
and all sorts of fucked up on illicit substances
but because when there is nothing to do
nowhere to go
no one to talk to
then all of the
days and nights and inbetweens
just fucking run together
like some kind of final art project
done in haste
in hopes that graduation
is still a possibility
yeah
i
don't know anything about that
later on I will be going to apple
with momzilla
trying to find her a pair of wireless
headphones
loud enough so that
we dont have to
duct tape the stereo
to her head
im also going to take my
ipod
in the hope that a factory reset
is all it needs versus being dead
cause in the grand scheme of things
I do enjoy my music
but at this point
the ipod can go to that big scrap heap in the sky
if it means
im able to start work at some point
this month
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Call back...
do you know how long its been since I've had a call back for a job?
A LONG GD TIME! and that's all I can say about that. I'm excited but
at the same time don't want to get my hopes up because
the last thing I need right now is another let down
this week has been effing brutal, even though it is only tuesday
I
K-N-O-W!
there have been bright spots
reconnected with an old friend
HI HK!
got to watch some awful, summer-league hoops
with my dad at the most peaceful park on the planet
and threw out a ton of stuff I don't need.
My new interest is lucid dreaming
never have been able to try it
but
it seems like a good way to problem solve
at least for me
and if not, well then, flying and shooting
my arch enemies in the face with a bazooka
will be pretty cool too.
I was hoping to get to the beach today but
as I am waiting for the callback
I guess I'm somewhat house bound
What are you up to?
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
A LONG GD TIME! and that's all I can say about that. I'm excited but
at the same time don't want to get my hopes up because
the last thing I need right now is another let down
this week has been effing brutal, even though it is only tuesday
I
K-N-O-W!
there have been bright spots
reconnected with an old friend
HI HK!
got to watch some awful, summer-league hoops
with my dad at the most peaceful park on the planet
and threw out a ton of stuff I don't need.
My new interest is lucid dreaming
never have been able to try it
but
it seems like a good way to problem solve
at least for me
and if not, well then, flying and shooting
my arch enemies in the face with a bazooka
will be pretty cool too.
I was hoping to get to the beach today but
as I am waiting for the callback
I guess I'm somewhat house bound
What are you up to?
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Friday, July 13, 2012
Where are we?
I listen to and watch Jeff Daniels and I somewhat remember the United States I grew up in. One where the American dream, hell ANY dream, for that matter, was still possible. I remember being in high school and being told that my generation was going to be the, "First to not do as well as their parents."
We laughed out loud and back then we still thought of it as an LOL matter.
Now where are we? Who of us are happy where we are? Who feels though they have or CAN achieve their dreams? Who is feeling the agony of defeat and is trying to rally themselves, off the floor, one more time?
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Read Only Memory...
So, I just finished the Steve Jobs Biography. I will not talk shit about the man, nor the wonderful things he did for the worlds of technology, animation, music, etc. However, I have to think if was somewhat less arrogant and stubborn, he might still be with us. Whether I am right or wrong, rest in peace Steve.
Got out of class early again tonight. Immaturity rears its ugly head again tonight. Instructor was going over Alzheimer's, it's affect on the brain and how the disease progresses and manifests. The non-mental health workers and those who have no idea how to compose themselves in public, thought it was a hoot and holler that a patient may spontaneously start masturbating at the dinner table, rec room, etc,. Being someone who has been touched by this disease, if only lightly, I wanted to ask them if it was still going to be funny if it was one of their family members or loved ones, who was getting down to business?
...nothing but savages in this place...
Leaving, I'm in the car and listening to some music I probably haven't had on since college, I pass a girl riding a horse down the side of the road. She's wearing a shirt that says, "lifeguard." For a second I had to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. Then I remembered, "I live in Rhode Island and this should come as no surprise."
Day off tomorrow, hopefully get some housework done, call about job at detox center and then try and bang out as much reading as I can. There is the trip to Westerly to pick up the mobile, and then basketball with dad so, from here it's shaping up to be a pretty full day.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Heart-stopping Comedy
Had CPR training in CNA class last night.
Normally this would have been two hour snooze-fest but, the fire-fighter-paramedic-cpr-instructor, is also a part time comedian. No, not like he is funny, like he gets up on stage and tells joke for money. Like he works at a casino and there is the possibility he will be opening for either Dane Cook or Dennis Leary, later on this year.
Which reminded me of my time on stage. I chatted briefly with this guy after class and talked about how I had taken a comedy class, right after graduating from high school, how I had been a theater / communications major in college, hosted a radio on my own and also with a good friend of mine. We both agreed out of all the substances one can buy or drink, eat, snort or shoot, nothing beats the rush of being live on stage and feeding off the applause of the audience.
oddly enough, we also agreed that sometimes in life, you have to laugh in order to keep from crying. I don't know about the rest of you but, that's some wisdom right there.
Class started and ended in the blink of an eye and when it was all said and done, we had the training and knowledge to keep someone alive and give EMS the best shot they had at bringing them back among the living.
The methodology might be somewhat unorthodox but, more trainers of any subject, should take cues from this gentleman. Not only was he able to impart all of his knowledge but was able to do it in a manner that was quick and didn't make you want to put a gun in your mouth to get away from it.
That being said, I am now, (again) CPR certified. Just another step forward in my journey.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Normally this would have been two hour snooze-fest but, the fire-fighter-paramedic-cpr-instructor, is also a part time comedian. No, not like he is funny, like he gets up on stage and tells joke for money. Like he works at a casino and there is the possibility he will be opening for either Dane Cook or Dennis Leary, later on this year.
Which reminded me of my time on stage. I chatted briefly with this guy after class and talked about how I had taken a comedy class, right after graduating from high school, how I had been a theater / communications major in college, hosted a radio on my own and also with a good friend of mine. We both agreed out of all the substances one can buy or drink, eat, snort or shoot, nothing beats the rush of being live on stage and feeding off the applause of the audience.
oddly enough, we also agreed that sometimes in life, you have to laugh in order to keep from crying. I don't know about the rest of you but, that's some wisdom right there.
Class started and ended in the blink of an eye and when it was all said and done, we had the training and knowledge to keep someone alive and give EMS the best shot they had at bringing them back among the living.
The methodology might be somewhat unorthodox but, more trainers of any subject, should take cues from this gentleman. Not only was he able to impart all of his knowledge but was able to do it in a manner that was quick and didn't make you want to put a gun in your mouth to get away from it.
That being said, I am now, (again) CPR certified. Just another step forward in my journey.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Friday, July 06, 2012
emotive...
Even with the help of a holiday, this week was a freaking drag.
by the middle of class tonight, I was ready to tap out...of everything
but I had a nice drive home
cool
good music
not too much
traffic
I think I may have even smiled a few times
something about that sea air and the scent of sea grass
that
just relaxes the hell out of me
reminds me
there are other speeds besides
run for your lives
we all move to fast
not noticing the small things
appreciating barely anything
until it's gone
or too late
or both
I miss all of you
I wish the best for most of you
I love several of you
if you happen to not fall into one of those categories
do not fret
there is still time
there is always time
never...never...never
give
up
****
sometimes I feel like one of those scientists
sending signals
out into our galaxy
or
to infinity and beyond
or
at least that's what it feels like
waiting patiently
for the reply
which more than likely
will never come
taking refuge in ambient music
mediation
yoga
and other modalities
to quiet
the onslaught of aural terror
inside my brain
tranceporting myself
to another time
place
reality
where there is time to
breathe
listen to the wind
hold your hand
and remember
remember and appreciate
the gifts shared
gifts placed in front of me
unwrap when ready
if I was ready
reminders of the beauty of it all
still reminiscent in this disconnected
life
content yet yearning
smiling without the drugs
grateful to shed tears
righteous with anger
free to be myself
still afraid to
open up
let down the armor
love
but this light shines
and little by little
the summer breeze
off the ocean
fuel the fire
creating more light
more heat
more passion
eventually transforming
wood to ash
to fly
to be free
in the air
to dance and play
and rejoice
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
by the middle of class tonight, I was ready to tap out...of everything
but I had a nice drive home
cool
good music
not too much
traffic
I think I may have even smiled a few times
something about that sea air and the scent of sea grass
that
just relaxes the hell out of me
reminds me
there are other speeds besides
run for your lives
we all move to fast
not noticing the small things
appreciating barely anything
until it's gone
or too late
or both
I miss all of you
I wish the best for most of you
I love several of you
if you happen to not fall into one of those categories
do not fret
there is still time
there is always time
never...never...never
give
up
****
sometimes I feel like one of those scientists
sending signals
out into our galaxy
or
to infinity and beyond
or
at least that's what it feels like
waiting patiently
for the reply
which more than likely
will never come
taking refuge in ambient music
mediation
yoga
and other modalities
to quiet
the onslaught of aural terror
inside my brain
tranceporting myself
to another time
place
reality
where there is time to
breathe
listen to the wind
hold your hand
and remember
remember and appreciate
the gifts shared
gifts placed in front of me
unwrap when ready
if I was ready
reminders of the beauty of it all
still reminiscent in this disconnected
life
content yet yearning
smiling without the drugs
grateful to shed tears
righteous with anger
free to be myself
still afraid to
open up
let down the armor
love
but this light shines
and little by little
the summer breeze
off the ocean
fuel the fire
creating more light
more heat
more passion
eventually transforming
wood to ash
to fly
to be free
in the air
to dance and play
and rejoice
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Monday, July 02, 2012
Three times 3
You know what being the, "I told you so..." guy gets you?
Not many dinner invitations.
At any rate I recently learned of karma finally making its way back around the universe and really laying the smack down on a friend of mine.
just two short years ago, I would have taken a certain, measurable amount of pleasure in learning this but, we change, we grow, we try and let go of the things that we maybe shouldn't like about ourselves so much.
Though it's often said, it does not ring truer for me in this instance, "don't judge until you walk a mile in anothers shoes." We all walk and have walked many, miles in our lifetime. With good health and good fortune, we will continue to walk a great while longer. While our paths may cross and diverge, the importance of the journey is learning along the way.
Not the type of gear you had
How much gear you had
how many people carried you
What did you take away from the journey?
If your only answer at the end is, "a bad back and a lot of sand in my shoes."
What's the point?
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Not many dinner invitations.
At any rate I recently learned of karma finally making its way back around the universe and really laying the smack down on a friend of mine.
just two short years ago, I would have taken a certain, measurable amount of pleasure in learning this but, we change, we grow, we try and let go of the things that we maybe shouldn't like about ourselves so much.
Though it's often said, it does not ring truer for me in this instance, "don't judge until you walk a mile in anothers shoes." We all walk and have walked many, miles in our lifetime. With good health and good fortune, we will continue to walk a great while longer. While our paths may cross and diverge, the importance of the journey is learning along the way.
Not the type of gear you had
How much gear you had
how many people carried you
What did you take away from the journey?
If your only answer at the end is, "a bad back and a lot of sand in my shoes."
What's the point?
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Uphill both ways...
Refocus: put again into focus or focus more sharply; "refocus the image until it is very sharp"
Over the past two weeks, I have repeatedly heard my dream is going to be almost impossible to make a reality, at least in any reasonable amount of time. Needless to say, this does not make me a happy camper. As a matter of fact, it makes me down-right angry. To the point where I just want to" get screaming drunk on brown liquor, break things, kill people...myself included and just give up.
and then after about 16 hours of cool down time
I stop and think and the added relaxation helps me to remember, even though my life has been challenging at times, there has been and will continue to be success.
I think back to high school. When I was told college was not an option for me because I just didn't have what it takes. That I should be a hair dresser or truck driver. Testing in the top 2% of the country in verbal ability and I'm supposed to drive a truck?
I went to college on my schedule.
Got to college and was told I would not last the first semester, by MY ADVISER.
Graduated with honors, in my program.
Realized I was never going to be able to make the kind of life I wanted with my degree, not that I wasn't skilled or capable enough to do various jobs but the label cast upon me by those considering my degree was always going to put me on the bottom of the list of candidates. So...I returned to school.
Oh, I'm sorry, did we forget to mention there is a MATH REQUIREMENT?
*sigh* fuck
Took the math class, with an instructor who gives < a shit about her students and job and managed to earn a sparkly new F.
Took same class over, very next semester and earned and A-. Screw you lazy teacher.
Now I'm hearing there is no way I will make it into the final portion of my program unless I am rocking a 3.9 or above. I have to tell you, that F and a B- in developmental psych are not making me real happy right now.
I'm pushing middle age and have figured out what I want to be when I grow up.
Once again the higher powers are telling me no. Which means only one thing to me.
"Never...Never...Never...Give Up."
Thank you Mister Churchill, thank you.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Over the past two weeks, I have repeatedly heard my dream is going to be almost impossible to make a reality, at least in any reasonable amount of time. Needless to say, this does not make me a happy camper. As a matter of fact, it makes me down-right angry. To the point where I just want to" get screaming drunk on brown liquor, break things, kill people...myself included and just give up.
and then after about 16 hours of cool down time
I stop and think and the added relaxation helps me to remember, even though my life has been challenging at times, there has been and will continue to be success.
I think back to high school. When I was told college was not an option for me because I just didn't have what it takes. That I should be a hair dresser or truck driver. Testing in the top 2% of the country in verbal ability and I'm supposed to drive a truck?
I went to college on my schedule.
Got to college and was told I would not last the first semester, by MY ADVISER.
Graduated with honors, in my program.
Realized I was never going to be able to make the kind of life I wanted with my degree, not that I wasn't skilled or capable enough to do various jobs but the label cast upon me by those considering my degree was always going to put me on the bottom of the list of candidates. So...I returned to school.
Oh, I'm sorry, did we forget to mention there is a MATH REQUIREMENT?
*sigh* fuck
Took the math class, with an instructor who gives < a shit about her students and job and managed to earn a sparkly new F.
Took same class over, very next semester and earned and A-. Screw you lazy teacher.
Now I'm hearing there is no way I will make it into the final portion of my program unless I am rocking a 3.9 or above. I have to tell you, that F and a B- in developmental psych are not making me real happy right now.
I'm pushing middle age and have figured out what I want to be when I grow up.
Once again the higher powers are telling me no. Which means only one thing to me.
"Never...Never...Never...Give Up."
Thank you Mister Churchill, thank you.
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Ten AmonaThursday
I mentioned not knowing much about anything in my last post and I still hold to that belief.
However, like Will Smith, my work ethic is bananas and more than likely, you will not out work me.
That being said, again I am at a crossroads in my life.
Minor variations in time and space
Major variations in time and money
Monjor variations of the voices in my head
Which, for the record, have been quieter of late
but...
the self-doubt is creeping back, double time
and to make matters worse
there is not a whole lot of
creativity time to offset
the bookwork and concern...a.k.a.
worry
about money, career, stability
what is love?
baby don't hurt me...
refocus...refocus...refocus...refocus
However, like Will Smith, my work ethic is bananas and more than likely, you will not out work me.
That being said, again I am at a crossroads in my life.
Minor variations in time and space
Major variations in time and money
Monjor variations of the voices in my head
Which, for the record, have been quieter of late
but...
the self-doubt is creeping back, double time
and to make matters worse
there is not a whole lot of
creativity time to offset
the bookwork and concern...a.k.a.
worry
about money, career, stability
what is love?
baby don't hurt me...
refocus...refocus...refocus...refocus
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
It's all over...
the one thing that remains constant in my life is, the fact that the more I think I have things figured out, the less this is actually true.
figured I would come back here and throw down for a while and the whole damn thing has changed, wtf-EVER.
ironically enough, I'm sort of at a loss for words at this point in my life.
I finally slew my math giant
I mean I really kicked the shit and $4 out of him
I got an A-
...never done that before
at least in math
and now...
I am getting my ass beaten like I stole the king's gold
by words
something I've not had a problemo with before in my life
EVER
See, cause from a real young age, I learned to read real good
and that translated into me being a lover of books and words
comprehension and all that other shit that lets "smart people"
know, 'your head is for more than keeping your hat off the floor.'
and so Im torn, between not quitting the class I am in
or sticking with it until the end and almost certainly earn an
F
...
effed if I do
effed if I don't
somehow I gotta get off this rock.
I hope you all are well.
JJ
Monday, June 27, 2011
*sigh*
This weekend I had somewhat of a freak out. I realized in 22 months, I will turn forty.
And so this is forty, and what have you done?
I guess that question bothers me with varying intensity, depending on the day of the week it comes to the front of my mind.
cause realistically, it’s always on my mind
never giving me a break
letting me catch my breath
giving me a chance at believing
things might actually turn out alright
…
someday
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
And so this is forty, and what have you done?
I guess that question bothers me with varying intensity, depending on the day of the week it comes to the front of my mind.
cause realistically, it’s always on my mind
never giving me a break
letting me catch my breath
giving me a chance at believing
things might actually turn out alright
…
someday
I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ
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