City of Westminster...

the year was 1998

and after 4 sweltering and sweaty months
landscaping in the land of ten thousand lakes
I was on my way from here



to here



Hey look kids, Big Ben, Parliament.

Excited, hell yes
first time out of Norte America
and had a passaporte to be stamped
things were on the up and up
lost 50 pounds over the summer
a result of ramen three meals
a day
and not to many tasty beverages
busting my ass
working like a field hand all summer
had paid off
and now I was able to call

home

Just by changing my latitude
my attitude had also changed
even though Slick Willy had just
dropped a whole bunch of bombs
on basically everyone in the neighborhood
after initially spitting on us for being amerikkkan
once they realized we are not all jackwagons
thing were all good
and when I walked into the door at

I didn't have to dodge spit
or worry about having shit thrown at me
my only worries were
getting to class on time
finding a place close by to buy toilet paper
and figuring out how much money a guy needed
to buy beer

I hope you all are well.

cheers hk,
jj

With the exception...

of family extended and otherwise,

I've lost pretty much everyone I care about
in the course of the past three years
I guess I'm not the swell guy I thought I was
or maybe my perception of myself
was
flawed
or skewed
or just plain
incorrect
whatever the reason
it forces a guy to make adjustments
some of which fall in the
uncomfortable

be that as it may
we adjust
and change
and grow
even when the past
several years
you have been
living under the auspices
of unemployment with no check
no health care
mental health at times questionable
at best
and last but not least
crushing self doubt

Oh I, I'm still alive
do I deserve to be?
Is that the question
and if so, if so
who answers, who answers?


I hope you all are well,

word to hk,
jj

Mere puffery...

I hit 40 this week

Yeah great. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be but when you are limited activity wise, like I am, it’s not like I’m going to kick up my heels and go dancing.

health a constant concern
did more research
more things to think about
while you slowly but surely make you way
from my
subconscious
to my
waking mind
digging in
in a most unrelenting fashion
and how can one be mad about that
when I put the wheels in motion
almost twenty years ago
told the universe what was up
let it know
too bad you never got the memo


I hope you all are well.

Word to hk,
jj

I'm a jackass...

but I'm not a jerk.

at least I like to think so
but the more I go looking for inspiration
the more I want to scream into the void
that everything is boring
like a fucking petulant teenager
and I'm a bit too old to be doing that

so my search for stimulus continues
if only I were a married father of two kids
either commuting from the suburbs to the metro area
or a stay-at-home dad
juggling
the car pool schedule
art classes
soccer practice
and picking up the dry cleaning
(not that there is anything wrong with any of that. It's just not my ideal.)
whilst wishing I had not sold all my dreams
for what I was force fed to believe is
the american dream

I'm fucking boring myself just writing this
but I don't have the wherewithal
to tell you of the trials of my life
the last 3+ years
the ones which have tested my
physical and mental limits
more than any other in my entire life
eventually those tales will be told
but its not a story I choose to tell at this point

right now all I want to do
is drift off to either a dreamless slumber
or one filled with
dreams of hope and promise
which is more than I have for myself
yeah, someone pissed on my birthday cake today
but it could be worse

Walking Dead was really good tonight
I don't give a rats ass about March Madness
feeling a need to get back in the kitchen
work some knife skills
get nasty on some new and tasty dishes
and feel the summer sun
shine on my face
once again

word to hk

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Where's my tauntaun...

life on Planet Hoth has been rather chilly as of late.

As I walked out of the work the other morning, the cold grabbed me by my bronchi and shook me all the way back to 1997
cause it had been approximately that long since
my breath had been taken away by the weather

shit was cold

even as I struggled to force my airways open
to breathe and nourish my body with o2
a smile made an appearance on my face
a rarity in these times
even though
things are on the upswing

school
job
progress

there was a duality in my iceberg moment
being transported back in time
via nostalgia and mister freeze
yet enjoying the painful pleasure
of drastic temperature change
in your lungs
that only winter can bring

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Too Many Ghosts...

in the machine.

Time for a reboot, reset, restart
reinvigorate
refocus
reprioritize
recommit

things are a changing
I am back to work
I am back in school
but
I am not 100% health wise
which is fucking with my mental health
which causes me to doubt and worry
and even when I manage to put the doubt
and worry to bed for awhile
like a good parent
I am ever vigilant
and I know they are still there

being positive is hard
probably one of the hardest things
I've ever tried to do
but I think it's working
and has been beneficial to me

so

I have to keep going
even though
the class which I am in now
has been known to make people quit the nursing program
even though when the majority of the rest of the country is asleep
I am working
even though
I am not even close to where I want to be in life
I see the footprints behind me
and I recognize I have made progress
and even though it is little comfort
it still steels me and helps me to keep going

I'm no one's motivational speaker
nor should I be
I'm just a guy who has become very,very good
at putting one foot in front of the other
when the going gets tough

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Here's the news...

this just in...

apparently I was screaming in my sleep last night. Not loud enough to wake me, mind you but, loud enough for it to be mentioned at breakfast this morning. As I have no recollection about any of the dreams I may or may not have had, I am clueless to the cause of said screaming.

That being said, I have two more days before next doctor appointment and hopefully find out that I am healing and also, that I no longer need to walk with the aid of crutches. Here’s to keeping fingers and toes for that matter, crossed.

In other non-related but important none-the-less news, Jerry Sandusky, the now convicted, child molester/assistant football coach, from Penn State, has been sentenced to at least 30 years in prison.

“At least 30 years in prison...”

I know, I know. Sandusky, now 68, will “more than likely” die in prison. However, I don’t feel the need to coddle this man at all. Sentenced for 30-60 years implies, at least to me, that if Sandusky were 18 years old, he might have a glimmer of hope for freedom. While I don’t endorse the death penalty, Yes, even in this case, I think it would have been better to have Sandusky’s sentence be given as 45 years, with no possibility of parole.

And...Done

You know what? If you can survive in prison, as a convicted child molester, until you are 113 years old. You have my blessing to walk out the front gates on the last day of your sentence. Until then, remember the words of my good buddy, DMX, “It’s dark and Hell is hot!!!”

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Sniff...hack...sniff

I tried to be slick and work some magic on technology today and it kind of blew up in my face. Nothing major but enough to perturb me, and make me want to take a step away from the drawing board for a moment.

day four on crutches
shits getting old
dressing on my foot is hanging tougher than a new kid
which is a good thing
cause I’m hoping the graft takes place and when they remove said dressing
this upcoming Thursday
I’ll be even closer to being done with weekly dr. appointments

can’t tell if I am coming down with a cold, developing allergies or some combination thereof
either way
getting sick is for the birds, and like the birds, I wish I was heading South
or North
or anywhere out of this forsaken rock

been having some nutty dreams lately
nothing worth mentioning but usually I wake up and have one person from the dream I cannot place and this bothers me
I spent the better part of a half hour this morning, trying to figure out where last nights femme fatale was from
after some cobb-web clearing and the use of the scientific method, a cashier from Stop&Shop was my final answer. Whether or not it was the Manton Store, or Mariner Square is yet to be determined.

I’m now keeping a notebook right next to my bed, in order to write down dreams or anything else noteworthy, should they wake me. If nothing else, it may be more fodder for me to talk about or post here. Don’t all three of you get over-excited on me, all at once.

Hmmm, these sniffles are starting to feel vaguely like post-nasal drip. I need that like I need a second asshole, on my forehead. Better hit the hay. Lord knows I don’t log anywhere enough beauty sleep anymore, let alone enough to keep me reasonably healthy.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Where in the...

world did JackassJimmy go?!

I finished my CNA class the other night. No one is happier than I, that I don’t have to make the hour drive, three times a week, any more than I am. When I reached the end of the class, even before reaching the end, I knew I was done. Not done, like I didn’t want to go on, further my health care education and career but, just done with being free labor. Busting my ass three nights a week for no money. When you’ve been unemployed for as long as I have, working hard enough that it looks like you could use a shower, an hour into your shift, there needs to be some sort of compensation.

My compensation is that I am done.

Walked out of the nursing home and felt as if a ton of bricks had been lifted from my chest. Not only was it easier to breathe but I knew I was done with some of the people and energies I had experienced along the way. I can weather many situations but nursing homes just really take it out of me. There is barely anything positive associated with them in my eyes. Sure you have a select few people, who really like their job, honestly care about the patients, and really try to do the best they can. Others are more or less in a holding pattern, until they can find something better & or more lucrative for themselves.

I wouldn’t say I made friends in my class, which is odd for me but, in retrospect, we’re all such different people and personality types. Some I had pegged from day one, others, I couldn’t have been more off the mark if I tried. We were comrades in arms. It was sink or swim from day one and if you were seen as dead weight, you drowned. I’m just glad I was able to help myself & the others around me and have them at my back, when I needed a hand. Never underestimate what you think you can do. Put yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone. Like really think about it from the perspective of another.

Sure, cleaning up someone who is incontinent and has soiled themselves is gross. No doubt about it. Would I rather do something else? Of course, who wouldn’t? On the flip-side of that, imagine being that person, who because of age, injury, or a number of other reasons, has to rely on someone for the most basic of functions. As grossed out as you may or may not feel, I can guarantee you, their embarrassment is a thousand times greater than how grossed out or uncomfortable you may feel. Being a caregiver of any kind is difficult and rewarding. Some days you go to work and feel like you are the luckiest person in the world. Other days, you’ll be convinced the universe is out to get you with all of the shit it throws your way.

Be human and realize there are going to be good and bad days. That you too will someday, more than likely, rely on someone, a family-member or caregiver etc., for something. If there is one thing I’ve learned over the course of the last 4 months or so, it’s that people can be really awful to one another. I’m sure you have experienced it first hand, I know I have. It sounds cliche but it really doesn’t take all that much more energy to be nice and if not nice, basically considerate for other people. Are you always going to be given the same courtesy, probably not. Lead by example. Life is short. Be helpful, be humble and do one thing everyday to make the life of someone else better or easier in someway.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

Who the hell...

fall kicked the bedroom door open this am

and while it's not cold
it was a bit chilly sleeping with the window open
gratefully
no stiff
neck
back
or other appendages

my to do list today is filled with
terrible
horrible things
stuff that is no fun for anyone
and it's stuff that just has to get done
cause my future relies on it

"no kind of pressure than the kind
one puts on themselves," I always say.

coffee was delicious
and facilitate the grumbly tumbly
but I'm now in the in between
and don't know whether to
go brekkie
or lunch

decision, decisions

maybe I should stop
blah-blah-blahing and get to work
have a great Saturday ya'll

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

For those of...

you keeping score:
nursing home 7
jackassjimmy’s back -23

pretty sure I finished my clinical rotation the other night.
now it’s back into the classroom for a few more tests & then hasta la pasta…and I’m out

Didn’t apply for a job @ said nursing home
I’m done
no more free labor from me
the people working there are fine, catty but, fine
I also think me, working in a dude-free environment, is probably not the best idea
I mean my back is already train-wrecked, no need to set that wreck on fire

I applied for a few jobs this week
one better than the other
way better really
but at this point
if I can get in front of someone
and get an interview
I might crack a smile for the first time since
Lincoln was President

the foot is on fire today
weird…cause it’s healing
doc said, “It looks much, much better…”
which was a relief
but I still feel a good amount of
spontaneous pain
like burning
not bad enough to warrant medication
but certainly enough to complain about
this new dressing he put on
is supposed to stay on for a week
not sure how well that’s gonna go
especially if my feet start sweating, as they are want to do

fall is knocking on the door
and I’m feeling the slight shift in my mood already
I don’t think having my master piece of a garden
ripped out of the ground
to plant grass
helps much
but who am I?

been getting msgs
from the way back
people I was never even really connected with
makes me wonder if the universe is trying to
set me up for another
donkey punch
or
worse

one cant ever be to careful
when the universe is concerned
cause there are times one wants
to be
a guy
and there are times one knows
what the right thing
to do is
and never the two shall meet
and so we have these experiences
teachable moments
mistakes
and in order
to not die of
shame
embarrassment
etc.
we name it
learning

I’ve had about as much learnin’ as I can take in one life time.


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Somethings got to...

give...

Just came back from second podiatrist appointment in as many weeks.

in the words of Paula Abdul, “One step forward and two steps back”
apparently the opposites which don’t attract in my life are health and feet

I’m not going to lie, starting to get a little freaked out by the fact that I’m not able to be on my feet for any extended period of time.

Yes
I’ve been here before
Yes
I know it takes time for these things to heal
Still
it doesn’t make the anticipating, hoping, waiting and wishing go any faster
So
another hiatus from
work
working out
delicious things
and generally living life

Pretty awesome if you ask someone who is not
me

Week off from CNA class could not have come at a better time
I still feel kind of shitty about the Doc giving me shit about not having insurance
it’s not like I don’t want to be insured
it’s not like I don’t want to work
it’s not like I am trying to screw the system over and get something for nothing
I would pay the full amount if I were able
and yet
even though I still able to contribute something
I get the verbal chorus of disapproval and the equivalent of a finger shake at me

I suppose if I worked three jobs
put myself through a good college
were conservative
and followed the GOP blindly
like a fucking sheep
things would be better off for me

At least that’s what I am being force fed by everyone around me.


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I was in...

an uber bad fucking mood

and then I started listening to some new to me music

“The Hymn of a Broken Man” by Times of Grace, to be exact. I don’t know what the jury says about this disc but to be honest, I’m into it and I’ve only heard like the first 4-5 tracks
I think that says something about the musicianship and talent that went into this recording

Not only that but, I no longer feel like smashing shit, getting in a fight for no reason or doing some other dumb and non-productive shit

Back to the grind tomorrow night and I’m not even sure I can call it that cause, when you grind, you get paid. There is no money exchanging hands here. Maybe I will have to retitle my actions, “the wipe” or “the rub” as the case may be.

Watched “Jeff who lives at Home” and “The Hunger Games” this weekend. They both made me wish the Redbox had feelings, so I could say mean shit to it and make it feel bad about itself.

With a cast including Ed Helms, Susan Sarandon, Rae Dawn Chong and Jason Seigel, I expected something other than a turd trying to win the gold medal in the pole vault competition, at the shit olympics. Jeff, who lives at Home did not even place. That being said. Hunger Games was not better by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t understand what all the hype was about for the books and I understand even less about hype for the movie. When the best acting performance is delivered by Lenny Kravitz, one might want to think about who cast the leads.

Finished World War Z finally. I’ve been reading that book for what seems like the better part of a decade. It was entertaining, not life changing but, I’m not sorry I invested time in it either. I started In the Garden of the Beasts this afternoon. It’s the latest in the selection of books from my brother & sister-in-laws book club. I don’t know where people find these books but, since no one has read either of the last two selections, my hopes for anyone reading about the developing relations between pre-WWII Germany and the United States are minimal at best. If I’m surprised and people actually do read and discuss the book, you’ll be the first to know.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

BOOM!!!

it's almost four am and I am still awake

stressed out about not hearing from potential employer
I know they have to review my materials
but in all honesty
my resume is one page

wtf is the hold up?

it's a test I tell you
Im almost at the point
where I dont even care
anymore

sad part is
I really do.
I really, really do
I want to go back to work in the worst way
this semi-self-imposed vacation became
long and boring
about twelve and a half
months ago

the money is not even the worst part
its the lack of inter-action
the lack of sense of purpose
that bother me the most

most days I don't even know what fucking day it is
not cause I spent the previous night getting screaming drunk
and all sorts of fucked up on illicit substances
but because when there is nothing to do
nowhere to go
no one to talk to
then all of the
days and nights and inbetweens
just fucking run together
like some kind of final art project
done in haste
in hopes that graduation
is still a possibility

yeah

i
don't know anything about that

later on I will be going to apple
with momzilla
trying to find her a pair of wireless
headphones
loud enough so that
we dont have to
duct tape the stereo
to her head

im also going to take my
ipod
in the hope that a factory reset
is all it needs versus being dead
cause in the grand scheme of things
I do enjoy my music
but at this point
the ipod can go to that big scrap heap in the sky
if it means
im able to start work at some point
this month


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Call back...

do you know how long its been since I've had a call back for a job?

A LONG GD TIME! and that's all I can say about that. I'm excited but
at the same time don't want to get my hopes up because
the last thing I need right now is another let down

this week has been effing brutal, even though it is only tuesday

I
K-N-O-W!

there have been bright spots
reconnected with an old friend
HI HK!

got to watch some awful, summer-league hoops
with my dad at the most peaceful park on the planet

and threw out a ton of stuff I don't need.

My new interest is lucid dreaming
never have been able to try it
but
it seems like a good way to problem solve
at least for me
and if not, well then, flying and shooting
my arch enemies in the face with a bazooka
will be pretty cool too.

I was hoping to get to the beach today but
as I am waiting for the callback
I guess I'm somewhat house bound

What are you up to?


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Where are we?

I listen to and watch Jeff Daniels and I somewhat remember the United States I grew up in. One where the American dream, hell ANY dream, for that matter, was still possible. I remember being in high school and being told that my generation was going to be the, "First to not do as well as their parents."

We laughed out loud and back then we still thought of it as an LOL matter.

Now where are we? Who of us are happy where we are? Who feels though they have or CAN achieve their dreams? Who is feeling the agony of defeat and is trying to rally themselves, off the floor, one more time?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Read Only Memory...

So, I just finished the Steve Jobs Biography. I will not talk shit about the man, nor the wonderful things he did for the worlds of technology, animation, music, etc. However, I have to think if was somewhat less arrogant and stubborn, he might still be with us. Whether I am right or wrong, rest in peace Steve.

Got out of class early again tonight. Immaturity rears its ugly head again tonight. Instructor was going over Alzheimer's, it's affect on the brain and how the disease progresses and manifests. The non-mental health workers and those who have no idea how to compose themselves in public, thought it was a hoot and holler that a patient may spontaneously start masturbating at the dinner table, rec room, etc,. Being someone who has been touched by this disease, if only lightly, I wanted to ask them if it was still going to be funny if it was one of their family members or loved ones, who was getting down to business?

...nothing but savages in this place...

Leaving, I'm in the car and listening to some music I probably haven't had on since college, I pass a girl riding a horse down the side of the road. She's wearing a shirt that says, "lifeguard." For a second I had to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. Then I remembered, "I live in Rhode Island and this should come as no surprise."

Day off tomorrow, hopefully get some housework done, call about job at detox center and then try and bang out as much reading as I can. There is the trip to Westerly to pick up the mobile, and then basketball with dad so, from here it's shaping up to be a pretty full day.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Heart-stopping Comedy

Had CPR training in CNA class last night.

Normally this would have been two hour snooze-fest but, the fire-fighter-paramedic-cpr-instructor, is also a part time comedian. No, not like he is funny, like he gets up on stage and tells joke for money. Like he works at a casino and there is the possibility he will be opening for either Dane Cook or Dennis Leary, later on this year.

Which reminded me of my time on stage. I chatted briefly with this guy after class and talked about how I had taken a comedy class, right after graduating from high school, how I had been a theater / communications major in college, hosted a radio on my own and also with a good friend of mine. We both agreed out of all the substances one can buy or drink, eat, snort or shoot, nothing beats the rush of being live on stage and feeding off the applause of the audience.

oddly enough, we also agreed that sometimes in life, you have to laugh in order to keep from crying. I don't know about the rest of you but, that's some wisdom right there.

Class started and ended in the blink of an eye and when it was all said and done, we had the training and knowledge to keep someone alive and give EMS the best shot they had at bringing them back among the living.

The methodology might be somewhat unorthodox but, more trainers of any subject, should take cues from this gentleman. Not only was he able to impart all of his knowledge but was able to do it in a manner that was quick and didn't make you want to put a gun in your mouth to get away from it.

That being said, I am now, (again) CPR certified. Just another step forward in my journey.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

emotive...

Even with the help of a holiday, this week was a freaking drag.

by the middle of class tonight, I was ready to tap out...of everything

but I had a nice drive home
cool
good music
not too much
traffic

I think I may have even smiled a few times

something about that sea air and the scent of sea grass
that
just relaxes the hell out of me
reminds me
there are other speeds besides
run for your lives

we all move to fast
not noticing the small things
appreciating barely anything
until it's gone
or too late
or both

I miss all of you
I wish the best for most of you
I love several of you
if you happen to not fall into one of those categories
do not fret
there is still time
there is always time
never...never...never
give
up

****

sometimes I feel like one of those scientists
sending signals
out into our galaxy
or
to infinity and beyond
or
at least that's what it feels like
waiting patiently
for the reply
which more than likely
will never come

taking refuge in ambient music
mediation
yoga
and other modalities
to quiet
the onslaught of aural terror
inside my brain
tranceporting myself
to another time
place
reality
where there is time to
breathe
listen to the wind
hold your hand
and remember

remember and appreciate
the gifts shared
gifts placed in front of me
unwrap when ready
if I was ready
reminders of the beauty of it all
still reminiscent in this disconnected
life
content yet yearning
smiling without the drugs
grateful to shed tears
righteous with anger
free to be myself
still afraid to
open up
let down the armor
love

but this light shines
and little by little
the summer breeze
off the ocean
fuel the fire
creating more light
more heat
more passion
eventually transforming
wood to ash
to fly
to be free
in the air
to dance and play
and rejoice






I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Three times 3

You know what being the, "I told you so..." guy gets you?

Not many dinner invitations.

At any rate I recently learned of karma finally making its way back around the universe and really laying the smack down on a friend of mine.

just two short years ago, I would have taken a certain, measurable amount of pleasure in learning this but, we change, we grow, we try and let go of the things that we maybe shouldn't like about ourselves so much.

Though it's often said, it does not ring truer for me in this instance, "don't judge until you walk a mile in anothers shoes." We all walk and have walked many, miles in our lifetime. With good health and good fortune, we will continue to walk a great while longer. While our paths may cross and diverge, the importance of the journey is learning along the way.

Not the type of gear you had
How much gear you had
how many people carried you

What did you take away from the journey?

If your only answer at the end is, "a bad back and a lot of sand in my shoes."

What's the point?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ