Not Subway...

Sometimes stuff around here gets so weird, I don’t know which end is up. Today consisted of weather reports telling me it was going to be hotter than summer in the Sahara in August. In case that’s not hot enough, someplace really fucking hot, is what I was told life is going to be like for the next week or so.

At any rate, heat of that caliber, while not being great fat-guy weather, is awesome for producing some ass-kicking thunder storms. Jackass is a huge fan of the T-storms, so even though I may knock on death’s door due to dehydration, the sound and the fury should be worth the price of admission.

Recockulously easy day at work today, one can never have too many of those. While I didn’t have to shoot, kung-fu or rescue any other member of the team, I did have to stay awake. Sometimes when it’s hot and you’re walking the yard, it’s tough to keep the lids on your eyes open. Especially when your sunglasses are “the good kind.” Word on the street is that we’re getting a repeat offender in next week sometime. While I will be in hand-to-hand training all week, I do know this particular individual and this could be the end of our dry spell. For the most part, J-Unit has been pretty quiet, but when it rains it pours. Or maybe it doesn’t as the meteorologists in this area don’t know their ass from page four.

I got home from work and spent time with a good book on the deck. While I read, I was torn in two different directions due to someone banging the latest lil Jon diddy about 4 blocks away. As I turned pages to fingers being snapped, someone a few yards over had fired up the stove and was, I assume…metalsmithing.

The repetitive clank-clank-clank for the better part of three hours, coupled with the smell of burning wood clued me into the fact the revolution is upon us and it will be fought with a two-handed, bastard sword (+5) damage / no saving throw. A little silly but it’s the small things which give you a chuckle and keep you from fire-bombing Starbucks.

I just gorged on a chicken Caesar pita from some chain I am ashamed to mention and I have to admit, it was very tasty. That having been said, I need to grab the i-pod and go for a walk.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

Tired...

That's all I can say. Today I woke up late, struggled at work to stay awake and when I came home, slept from 4pm until almost 10. Now here I sit, blogging away minutes from bed, and I'm sure I will have no problem falling asleep.

...even after a large iced coffee and two spicy chicken burritos. I know, my late night eating habits are not the best, but at least I didn't consume the red velvet desert heaven that are, "twinkies, dipped in the blood of our lord Jesus Christ." At least that's what I was told buy one convenience/gas station attendant. Apparently as an employee bonus, you get to huff as much of the gas as you want.

Yeah, the whole sleeping thing, I think it is just a combination of my medicine and the fact that I have been waking up at 4am for the past few nights. I don't know what the deal is with 4am but my body seems to think it's the opportune time to fuck with me via; having to take a raging piss, or cramps so bad in my calfs or shins that I pray for death. At any rate, I'm pretty sure I won't have to deal with that tonight.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Dear God,

Please help me to have a better tomorrow than today. Give me the strength I need to get through work and to keep me safe. If these medications are ment to help, please help them kick in faster.

love,
jimmy

Fun...

Hey, Happy July everyone! I figured I would stop by and see how things are going. Seems as though I haven't been posting much, and well if you've been keeping up with the box score, I think you might have an idea as to why.

Anywhoo...

Yesterday was the great day of nation's independence. Yes, the same nation who lies to us and taps our phones, reads our emails and generally tells us what we should read, see and think. What a wonderfully independent country. *sigh*

Last Saturday night I went out with el capitan, d-lo, kc(d-lo's roommate) and the princess. There were cocktails, dancing and goodtimes had by all. Yes, even by me. kc and I talked most of the night, as the other three rambled on about work, and who the fuck wants to talk shop when you are out having a good time? We danced & drank and danced some more. Some of our friends from the North came in wearing hockey equipment and Canadian flags. kc and I took a break from shaking our groove-thing and she went and talked hockey, scored free drinks and flirted some.

This gave me ample time to have a few cocktails, dance with the princess and perpetuate the over non-anxious-i-thought-this-was-gonna-suck-but-it-doesn't feeling. el capitan was doing his best imiation of a guy trying to dance and not look like a jackass. the princess was trying to help him out, but as we all know, some causes are better off lost. The club closed and we all began the drunken stumble back to d-lo & kc's apartment. The walk was filled with hand-holding and talking non-sense and in my haze, I realized the old adage is true. When you are not looking for someone, you will find them. And if at the time they happen to be involved with someone who, their roommates think is less than perfect, then you are required to steal her away from him.

GAME ON.

And so begins my quest for the damsel in distress.










I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

It's 11:35 and...

I can't even choose a song to blog to. I suppose shuffle would have been a good idea but then again when you are listening to something mello and then Metallica comes up in the mix, that kind of fucks everything up now, doesn't it?

It's day two of better living through science, at least that's what I've been told. Both of the medical professionals I have seen believe I suffer from Dysthymia. Which from what I've read, lasts much longer and has more cases of suicide than your normal depression. Fan-fucking-tastic.

The drugs are making my stomach upset, and this will be par for the course at least for two weeks. I won't even notice a difference until about a month in...Excellent.

Tell me again how this is better than walking around in a gloomy mood?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

This weekend has...

been nothing but rain and more rain. I was going to try and tame the back yard but since half of it is under water...wtf is the point. Two more days of work and then two days off. I can't decide what to do. I want to go and see the davinci code but since my parents are going to a conference in Philly, they are leaving Buster, the wonderhound with me.

It will be good to have my dog around again but at the same time, he's old and gets nervous (pees all over) when he is alone for any stretch of time. Maybe I will have to scratch this weekend too and just spend some hound-dog time. *Sigh* no worries, it's not like I don't have books to read. My only concern is that my doctor appointment is on wednesday morning and I'm wondering if the meds I am sure to be prescribed are going to make me all sick and bajiggity.

I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ

P.S. Tony Pierce has a sweet video of Stevie Wonder breaking it down on his site.

Dont Bother Me

He's a dork granted...but that dude can break it down.

Daily Show on violent video games

Update...

Ok heres the shiz...

So Madame Therapist and I met tonight. Session went fine and we are still in agreement that I am depressed, need medications (she agrees on that, not I) and need to create some sort of social life for myself.

It's not like I'm a fucking hermit. I leave the house. I have a job, which I hold down without issue. I have friends all over the fucking country and North America if I count my internet friends. I'm sorry but I'm not really sure that early 30's fun is the kind of fun I am into.

Go out and meet people, not so much. People my own age are fucking boring. Why go out and spend money being around people who spend their existance chasing money? I'd rather stay home and read a book, maybe watch a movie or play a game.

"But Jackass, you'll never meet that special someone, the one who will complete you and make everything whole."

That's fine, I'm a total asshole so as far as meeting the person to complete me, I don't have any room for that. Now if you will excuse me, I have audio books to go and listen to.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

WNBC Today June 21 - Vincent Ferrari Interview

AOL is the fucking DEVIL! I'm sure this customer rep is under so much pressure to keep the accounts, he knows he is a goner... no matter what.

A $1 million dollar contract to play Halo 2

Apparently, I chose the wrong career path!

Major League Gaming (MLG), the world's first professional video game league, today announced that it has signed the nation's leading four-man Halo 2 team, Final Boss, to a $1 million dollar contract, and Tsquared, one of the top individual pros in the world, to a $250,000 deal.

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Neither Rhyme Nor...

Reason. Sometimes I wonder if there is a reason that I do anything I do. More often then not, I can’t see rhyme or reason for any of it. Tonight was a prime example. I had just finished making the appointment with the nurse practioner that I did not want to make. The one who will be prescribing the drugs I don’t want to take. The drugs that will all but cripple my writing ability…or lack thereof.

I hung up the phone and there was a sinking feeling in my chest. Something akin to what it must have been like to be on the Titanic. So I surfed the internet for awhile, checked email & myspace and comments and after finding no love anywhere, decided I needed to go shopping. To the Apple store I went.

There it is folks, the 60gig, video ipod. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting and realistically, there is never going to be enough, “discretionary income” to allow me to purchase one outright, so I just went ahead and did it. Am I a little on edge, maybe but at least I have no excuse to not walk all over hell and back…I now have mobile music. We’re not talking about one disc here either. I have wanted an ipod for a long, long time; so much so that I am currently the last of my crew to get one. I even donated cash so other could replace their ipods before I had mine. I know what it’s like to rely on technology and then not have it. Thus, my purchasing of the 2 years of service.

After completing my order, DF Wrenchman called. He wanted to get coffee. I haven’t been much for going out lately but it was hot and an iced coffee sounded pretty good. I pulled on my shoes and ventured into the hood. We drank coffee and shot the breeze, not being rosy-cheeked teens can sometimes take all the fun out of life, sometimes it’s good to be old, to not have to deal with childish and mundane shit, like…high school. DFW asked if I had eaten yet. I had not, he offered to cook dinner and I accepted. We drove to his new apartment and on the way there passed the cemetery and ball field we played in as young, trouble makers. The ball field has since been fenced in and is patrolled fairly regularly by the local constables. Fuck the constables. DFW grilled up kielbasa and we watched Edmonton run out of gas in the first period. I drank my first ever Coke Zero and have to say, that’s pretty damn tasty for a soda sans sucre.

All in all a decent night: cool coffee, a hot meal and some luke warm hockey. I have spent many worse nights in the “fortress of solitude” eating Cheetos, drinking crystal light and wishing for a better life.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

Today was a tough day.

Those of you, who know me personally, may or may not know that I have been battling depression for some time now. Today, after what seemed like a marathon counseling session, my therapist made the recommendation that I go on meds again. She also suggested that I start coming once a week. When asked, “If I felt like I wanted to hurt myself,” I was stunned.

I cannot tell you how profoundly these things affected me.

I don’t even have words for it myself right now.

Those of you who, don’t know me, those of you from the world wide web and other weird places, thanks for stopping by and commenting or not commenting as the case maybe.

I plan to continue blogging, though I’ve found when on medication both my motivation and creativity are virtually non-existent. Ha-Ha spell check does not recognize blogging.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not too much....

fun going on today. I really shouldn't even be taking the time to write this, but I want to bust one out before I have to grind through the bull shit that is my day.

After a long and drawn out process, I am finally going to get a new tire for the f-1. It's been too long and now I fear my doughnut will turn into a doughnut hole unless I get a new tire...TODAY. It's not sunny but the weather is pleasant and breezy and as a card carrying member of the, "I love good fat guy weather" society, today puts a smile on my face. At least when I a wasting away in TownFaire Tire or in the jungle that is my back yard, I will not be completely soaked in sweat like the family pig...on the night before Easter.

In other developments...

Butt Trumpet, the chick-not the band, text messaged me last night. Apparently she was at the same place I was and didn't feel the need to stop and say hi. No sweat off my back. What's funny is the "W" saw her, didn't say anything to me, and then told me she was looking at me like a fat kid eyes the desert table. "This type of information can be very helpful to me..." or something to that effect stumbled from my lips.

While I don't hold the record for world's oldest virgin, Steve Carrell(40) & maybe former Laker great AC Green(39) have a few years on me. Tony Pierce said, "the easiest thing in the world to say is no." In most cases I would agree, but when it comes to whether or not you're gonna get all Glen Quagmire with some Betty, no can often be the hardest thing to say.

I know most of you are probably thinking I have a horn growing out of the center of my head, cloven hoofs, or have never smelled good enough to get within speaking distance of a woman. Truth be told, though I have not had the best luck with the fairer sex, I have indeed engaged in conversation and more. My reasons for saying no can vary from day to day. (Insert heart getting ripped out via asshole, multiple times here.) Way back when I was in high school, cir.1569, I was too much of a dork to even have a shot. Thank God for music, and women into the alternative scene.

In my late teens and early 20's I hung out with some cool chicks, some chicks I would consider, some that I would not, and some well, some I had not a snowball's chance in Hell with.

Again, you're saying, "dude, your calling them chicks...of course they don't want to talk to you." Rest assured, I'm not THAT socially impared. Taking the road less travelled, I started college at the ripe old age of 23. The unseen advantage of the dudes in my hall calling me, "Grampa" automatically gave up the goods to unsuspecting co-eds in search of an older guy, or in my case, someone old enough to buy apple pucker & wine coolers.

So to make a long story short, you are all wondering how I got through college and several post collegiate years without, "closing the deal" so to speak. Simple. The fact I have a blog, evidence there are too many thoughts running through my head, that I need to spill on these electronic pages should be enough to clue you in to the fact I can't shut my brain off. I think / obsess ALOT. In most cases it gets in the way of me living my life, but that's my deal not yours. The other reason I haven't had sex yet, is just the fact that I have waited this long and what's the point of just sleeping with anyone, when you have been saving it...thinking it/your worth something?

Color me the only guy in the world that thinks this way, but I don't care. Butt Trumpet asked me out for cocktails on Friday. While she has made it blatantly clear we could do the horiztontal mambo on several occasions, I'm still not going to take her up on it. As a *sigh* errupts from the crowd. Never fear, there will be cocktails and conversation and if my companion decides she wants to jiggle the handle or perhaps play the trombone, who am I to say no?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

From the, "Are you Fucking Kidding Me?!?!?" Files.

RIAA Says No Dancing To Music On YouTube

RIAA is apparently sending out cease-and-desist letters to YouTube users who dare to put up videos of things such as themselves dancing to music they haven't licensed.

And they say Big Brother is not watching....horseshit!

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There are some...

benefits of being a bachelor. I have yet to find a majority of them but I do know, being able to make vacation reservations for one and being able to eat meals that would kill most normal people 3-4 nights a week is definately a plus.

There has not been a whole lot for me to write about lately. Not an excuse, I just figured people would rather me not write at all, rather than just complain and bitch and complain. Anyway, things are what they are and for what it's worth I will give you the updates I have.

May brought rain, rain and more motherfucking rain. It was the kind of rain one could not get away from, the kind of rain which soaked through to the bone and that chilled you hours after being warm and dry, the kind of rain that falls in Edinburgh, except you mind this rain.

Luckily I had plans for Memorial Day weekend. I jumped a plane to the Midwest, MN to be more exact. Instead of chilling rains and gray skies, I was going to the land of chilling temperatures and 10,000 lakes. I left Rhode Island worrying that I had forgotten to pack a coat, a hoodie or just a little something to keep the pre-summer chills off of me.

The further west I travelled, the better the weather seemed to get. I haven't seen skies as blue and as clear as I did in Milwaukee. The view from the airport was fantastic and when we hit the ground in Minneapolis/St. Paul, the pilot informed us the local weather was a low of 73, with a high of 95...a temperature of 80 degrees at 11pm. So much for needing a jacket!

I walked what seemed to be the Appalachian trail to get to my rental car. See, when you have no money and fly the discount airlines, MIDWEST, (which...by the way, I would recommend to ANYONE) you are made to walk a little in regard to making a connection or to pick up a rental. This is especially true in MSP. So I got to Avis and they told me for $3 more a day, I could have a convertible Ford Mustang.

Now, I know what you are all thinking. TAKE IT!!! However, being jackassjimmy, a guy with a lead foot, who always has automotive trouble before coming to MN. (2001 loss of license and $700 speeding ticket) I decided to stick with my Toyota Corolla. With gas prices being what they are, there was no need for me to have a few extra ponies under the hood. Besides, I drove the Corolla around all week, with the air on and only had to put $11.50 in when I brought it back. Not too shabby.

I drove to Fat Guy's house as he guided me in. Lucky there was no traffic on 94 or 35 so the drive took me like 20 minutes, although I have to be honest, there were times I was not conscious of the speed limit and I'm sure I was doing like 65 in a 40. Such is life. Fat Guy met me and helped me with my bags. It was good to see him as it had been about three years and we had limited time to hang out on my last visit into town. Something about him getting married or something.

The next few days, I spent with Mr. & Mrs. Fat Guy, Fat Guy's parents and in-laws. It was a good time and there can never be enough beers drank in MN. I mean, we drink here in Rhody but to sit in the garage and put a case down in an hour or so, that's just not right. On my second night in town, Citrus Queen called me and let me know she was in town and that she wanted to get together for drinks or whatever.

We met at McGovern's, a cool bar and eatery, not that anyone did much eating. Citrus Queen was radiant as ever and she brough some more old friends, Curly and Bex with her. All in all good times seeing everyone. True to form, JJ decided to make the jump to light speed and stopped drinking grain belt and thought shots would be a good idea.

Long story short, I end up outside of the West 7th tap, with my head in a bag and not knowing why the bag is so heavy...it's not like I had anything to eat all day.

To be continued.

random...

It's 5:11.

Which is exactly one hour after I got home from work. Right after the "W" and I met for coffee. My jury is still out on self imposed nick names. In other words, I'm not sure how I feel about that shit but for now, "W" is all good in the hood.

Hi there...

This is me, attempting to make a comeback. I've been a bad blogger. There has been a lot going on but nothing to talk about, so maybe I could have saved my self some sleepless nights and aggrevation, if I had just forced myself to sit down and write. Long gone are the days of writing not being a chore. Way back when, they didn't call it, "blogging" they called it "journaling" and it was done on anything from a scrap of paper to some of those really snooty $50 leather-bound jobbies you can get at B&N. Now, anyone has the power to put their thoughts and opinions out on the webwaves. You can say whatever you want on this vast interweb and for the most part, no one will bother you. You might say some off-sides kind of shit, but if you can back it up, (and I'm not talking in a house of pain/boyz in the hood kinda way) then...play on player. It's a far cry from sitting in a room stacked with old .99 cent notebooks thinking, "no matter what anyone says, I'm not as crazy as Spacey's character in SE7EN." Now you can put it all out there and if you give people the option, and feel so compelled, they can say, "yeah man, I know what you're saying." or "Chist on a stick...you are fucked!" Either way, there are options.

Options for what...I have no idea.


I'm just one man.

Trying to make a comeback.


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

In just under...

fifteen hours, I board a plane to head back to the land of Ten Thousand Lakes. I have to admitt, I am a bit excited. The last time I was in MN, I attended the wedding of one of my best friends. Now, three years later, I am heading back and I am also attending a wedding but as a favor to a friend. I do know the bride to be...somewhat, but I wouldn't say we're friends. We're more, I don't know...commrades of work. We bonded together one summer working on the University grounds crew. A job that was akin to swimming pool maintanence in Hell. I thought I knew about humidity living on the east coast, you know...right on the ocean.

eff that.

Let me tell you the humidity and mosquitos of MN summers are fucking UNREAL. I can remember swinging a baseball bat at a mosquito and just having it shake off the blow and look at me in a very annoyed manner. NOT COOL. I also remember having to cover the bride to be in one of those astronaut blankets cause it was 190 degrees with 4000% humidty. Just in case you are wondering, heat stroke ain't pretty.

But anyhow...

As I mentioned, I am staying with a great friend of mine and his wife, (who I'm sure hates me, because the only time I talk to friend is when he is in the car going somewhere.) It's like I'm his mistress from the other side of the country, only I have a dick and don't need to shave. I may try and read the DaVinci Code on the way to MN. At least that way I have something to compare the movie to. I have to be honest, I don't expect a whole lot. I'm not sure why but I just think there is too much hype. Angels and Demons was a great book and why they didn't start there, I have no idea. What the people in Hollywood don't like money?

Am I packed? No. My house looks like the aftermath of an X-Men movie and I have the motivation of a mole. What's weird is my eyes are killing me and I haven't spent the day in front of the monitor. Maybe I am getting old. One thing I am happy about, my new license coming in before I left. I just had a feeling I was going to have a hard time getting served with my baby face and a passport. Sometimes being 33 and looking 24 is a bitch.

Last but certainly not least, I will get to spend some quality time with my Citrus Queen. Again, three years have passed and I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about seeing her. Reconnecting with people is always a good time, no matter what the nature of your relationship. I mean, unless we're talking about hooking up with Glen from accounting and then well...that's never a good time.

I'd like to maybe say some more shit here, but I'm almost out of gas. Time to slam another 15 cans of soda and get back to work. Supposedly my buddy is hooking me with a high speed connection from my room. If so, I may blog as I go and give you all the words and images as they come. Otherwise, you'll just have to wait and see.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Horseshit...

I got into a car accident tonight on the way to take my parents out for mother's day. Gratefully no one was injured including the other driver. She was young and scared and not paying attention, and though the F-1 is a high performance, military style, attack vehicle and even though I have cat-like reflexes, there was no way I was going to avoid this fucking collision.

Anyway...

I leave for the frozen tundra of MN on Tuesday.

I am so ready for vacation my ass hurts.

I might have a drink, smoke some grass, smooch a random chick. However as I just signed up for the seminary and have been straight edge for two hundred years, these things may or may not happen. Only those in the know, will be in the know.

I hope you are all better than me.

Cheers,
JJ

Fifth of May...

It's Cinco de Mayo and while some will celebrate their Mexican independance, we gringos look at it as another excuse to get drunk.

After getting out of work today, I went to celebrate with several hundred other gringos at the "Hot Club." It's one of Providence's nice weather, on the water, let's sit and have some cocktails kind of place. However on a Friday, or a day like today, everybody and their brother comes out to drink, get ass drunk and see what kind of free Corona schwag they can score. It kills me to see grown adults, some coming up on retirement pulling the, "what would you do for a Klondike bar" routine for a fucking shitty can coozy or visor. In my opinion, if your going to be a billboard for something, at least let it be a cool band or some product you believe in.

The Bru Crew was there in full effect. I was approached by a stunning red-head who was trying to convince me to mosy on over to the schwag table so I could sign up for some shit and play some games. She was nice enough and easy on the eyes, but..."bitch please, you go to an Ivy league school. The fact that you work for the coolest radio station in the state, is not even remotely enough motivation to get me to drink the promotional drink." How come you're not drinking Corona or Cuervo, she asked.

My first impulse was, "cause they were all out of gofuckyourself." Again she had only annoyed me and not insulted my manhood...so, "cause I really don't care for either was enough of a reply. She attempted the chat-up for another 30 seconds and then gave me a squeeze and reiterated how cool it would be for me to come see her at the merch table. Sure, I said in my best interested voice.

Shit started getting out of hand with the parental types partying like it was 1975. So the boss & bosses boss decided to get some grub. We headed over to Thayer to eat at Paragon where black shirts and attitude were the only things on the menu. I was denied my beloved Malibu and 7, cause my license expired 5 days ago. Apparently Paragon had gofuckyourself on tap. I had some tortellini w/ chicken and a few sodas. Bosses Boss had two friends meet us and they were cool. Dinner was good but not worth the $200.00 bill. At least I have a new date restaurant though.

After dinner we decided to go to Bosses Boss friends place cause it would have been cheaper to drink 94 octane than to keep drinking at Paragon. We got to Julie's and out came the Sirius Satellite radio and the monster, "yes, I'm grown folk and still smoke weed bong." I was tempted but having been clean for a year, it was nice to avoid the paranoia. Patrick Kennedy should use me as a role model. Conversations and ha-has were had. I met Budda, the cooler than hell dog and left after about two hours. I called W on the way home and we got some late night cafe. America may run on the Dunk but I run on espresso.

Good thing I didn't get all bajiggity tonight. As I write this I see it's 1:45 and work is in t-minus 5:15...FUCK!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. Props to Big Papi for getting back on track tonight. Thanks Chief!!!

CGN University...

this is the university I am attending. You may be enrolled as well but not even know it...yet.

In attempting to post more than twice a month, this will be a themed-post. The theme being, "Things that are just fucking crazy."

Without further ado, here they are.

Hi, I'm George W. Bush. I am the worst president ever. When I mean ever, I mean a long fuckin' time. I'm not talking like Jerry Lewis Telethon long, no sir. I'm talking longer, like I've been in office so long, no one under the age of 20 will remember the "good old days." When gas was not eleventy billion dollars a gallon and the rest of the world didn't hate us. That's how long I'm talking about. Anyway, I was just on my way to vacation, I mean "work" and just thought I would stop by this here blog and let you all know that I took a shit about this big today. God bless America, and no place else.

Thanks for stoping by George, always love to hear your excretory system is in working order. Well we kind of always know that cause anytime you speak, all that comes out of your mouth is shit. Front door or back door, either way the shit is getting out.

Next up His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI.

Thank you JackassJimmy. Good morning. I have stopped by Called Out at Home to tell you of the good news. I think you all know who I am, if not, just know that I am the head of a church/political machine that uses fear and guilt to manipulate people into living in a way that is antiquated and unrealistic.

Now for the good news. In the past, if someone had died before being baptized with the Holy Spirit, their soul did not go to Heaven. See Catholics have to be "baptized" with water and oil before they can go to Heaven. See God loves oil and water, much like George Bush, (maybe that's why he is always speaking with Georgie and not me.) and therefore, wants all of his people to be annoited with these blessed things. Those poor bastards unfortunate enough to not get baptized, well they go to limbo/purgatory to wait to see if there may be room in Heaven at a later time.

Limbo is not really a very fun place because it's filled with unborn children/children who die at birth and those stupid enough to not be baptized into the Roman Catholic faith. There is no food or music in limbo, in fact there are only broken beach chairs and math problems in limbo. I seem to be getting off track here but what I wanted to tell you is this. "I got rid of limbo. There is no more limbo." Now I know some of you may find this hard to believe, but God spoke to me and told me I could do it, so I did.

Where have all the souls of your children and loved ones gone? Let's not worry about that just yet. Let's celebrate the fact they are no long in limbo! I know some of you may be angry or overcome with grief and this is to be expected, but as Catholics, you know that nothing good ever happens to you and that it is your faith in the Unseen alone that will get you through this. Rejoice and be glad in this good news. Oh, and if you use condoms or birth control, you will burn in Hell for all eternity. Have a good day.

Thanks for those rays of sunshine your eminenance, I know I feel like hanging myself right now. Our last guest should be considered a certified lunatic. He is just rediculous and makes his living as a "magician" a financially bankrupt occupation since people believed you shouldn't bathe because the Devil would enter you via your open pores. Ladies and gentleman, how about a nice Called Out welcome for David Blaine.

"Hello, I am speaking with you using telepathy. This is necessary as I was enclosed in a water-filled sphere yesterday. While in this sphere, I am going to try and escape from some chains, while trying to hold my breath for 9 minutes. I am not a good role model and think you should keep your children away from me. I have done other great stunts like: burying myself alive for a week, encasing myself in ice for 61 hours and my personal favorite, being hanged in London for 44 days. I can't wait to get out of these chains and break that breath-holding record, cause my balls are very itchy. Hail Satan."

Ok, well thanks for that short yet informative interview. Well that seems to be all the time we have for today. Come back the next time I post something and maybe it will not be as wild and weird as this.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ


JUST ONE MINUTE JACKASS!!! I'M TANA UMAGA, FORMER CAPTAIN OF THE NEW ZEALAND ALL BLACKS RUGBY CLUB. IF YOU HAVE THE BALL, I WILL DESTROY YOU. IF I HAVE THE BALL, I WILL RUN THROUGH YOU. I LOVE DESTROYING PEOPLE AND I AM CRAZY. I ONCE TRIED TO TACKLE AN 18 WHEELER. HOWEVER ALL THAT KILLING HAS MADE ME TIRED AND AT 32 I AM LEAVING THE ALL BLACKS TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY CAUSE I AM A HELL OF A GUY. OK, I JUST WANTED TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A NICE DAY, I'M GOING TO GO RIP TREES OUT OF THE GROUND WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!!!!

Three Reasons Why...

today does not suck frog cock.

1. The Red Sox beat the fucking Yankees.
2. My Get Up Kids cd finally came in the mail.
3. Diet Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper is pretty good.


The weather is for suck, (as they say in Hungary) but you can't ask for everything at once. If you do, you are fucking greedy and should be ashamed of yourself. It's late and there is no way I should be up, but I have to do laundry so I can go to work with clean clothes tomorrow. As a result, I blog & drink more soda. Yeah, it's a terribly exciting night at Chez Jackass.

I am excited about going to work tomorrow. One of our long term guests is being transfered to another facility and that makes me happier than Michael Jackson at a nude cub scout meeting. So much weight will be lifted from my shoulders and things will be exponentially better at work, at least temporarily

laundry, soda, sleep.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Maybe this blog should call it a day...

Sometimes you just fucking get lost, there is no other way to say it. One moment you are walking with the sure-footed-ness of someone with really sure feet and the next moment, you don't know whether to shit or go blind. What's worse, is usually the more you struggle and search for the path you were on, the harder it is to find again. It's almost as if someone is playing the cruelest of jokes on you and just won't stop.

So what do you do?

You have no idea. At first the, "this too shall pass" defense was up and running. You think this works about 80 percent of the time for normal, trust fund, well-endowed, cookie-cutter, Barrington, Newport, Westchester County, Richie McRicherton types. Since most of us don't fit into these molds (gratefully, and I apologize if your packing the love Howitzer in your pants) we need alternative strategies....a la PLAN B. In your experience after "this too..." is gone, your old friend Apathy shows up. Apathy is dressed in the clothes of the relationship that is never going to happen. She comes over and maybe you guys go to dinner or a movie or both. Maybe you stay in and watch Scrubs or whatever netflix has sent you, while eating pizza/thai/indian/chinese. Maybe you have a few drinks and maybe a few more laughs. Maybe you guys laugh a little closer and maybe she kisses you.

Maybe...

Maybe you guys end up making out for hours on end. Maybe you end up making out so long, you're sure you have heard all of the songs on your iTunes playlist at least twice and she doesn't care. Maybe she tells you to get naked. Maybe being naked on the couch is scary. Maybe scary is good. Maybe this is your weekend and maybe there are no worries about calling out of work. Maybe night turns into morning. Maybe mother nature co-operates with a nice breeze and maybe the fleece blanket from college is all you need.

Maybe this happens semi-regularly.

Maybe you make the mistake of expressing ideas and opinions. Maybe you want this to be something more than maybe. Maybe your listed as guy@work in her cellphone. Maybe she gets all bajiggity at the thought of all of this. Maybe she changes the subject. Maybe she does this all the time. Maybe you have had this conversation over and over again. Maybe it seems like this conversation will never end. Maybe it feels like you're banging your head against a wall.

Maybe you are.

Maybe Apathy keeps coming over but she wears a new outfit, from a new designer. Maybe that designer is PANIC. Maybe the both of you stare at the tv more and talk less. Maybe Apathy should just go. Maybe Apathy will respect your wishes for once and just leave you alone. Maybe Apathy will stop leaving PANIC all over the floor of your kitchen/living/bedroom. Maybe Apathy will just disappear. Maybe Apathy should never call when she knows you are writing. Maybe Apathy promises to change.

Maybe...

Maybe Apathy does change somewhat. Maybe she grows tired of designer labels. Maybe Apathy becomes more available. Maybe this is all a facade. Maybe Apathy makes and breaks plans more often. Maybe Apathy leaves you with a ton of time on your hands. Maybe Apathy you should have fucked PANIC and Apathy when you had the chance. Maybe you never even had the chance.

Maybe you had the chance and never even knew it.

Maybe...

Maybe Apathy calls to tell you about her marvelous new friend. Maybe you fake interest. Maybe she goes on and on and on. Maybe all you want to do is eat a burrito and then rub one out. Maybe Apathy's new friend happens to be male. Maybe his name is DESPAIR. Maybe Apathy and DESPAIR are now bestest friends. Maybe you are so jealous/angry/heart broken all you want to do is break shit. Maybe you should nail the nasty chick from the bar.

Maybe...

Maybe DESPAIR shows up at your place and tells you he doesn't want you to talk to Apathy anymore. Maybe you tell DESPAIR to, "go fuck himself." Maybe DESPAIR makes the mistake of balling his fist. Maybe you see this and hit DESPAIR so hard and so fast, he momentarily forgets how to speak english. Maybe he rethinks his toughguy bullshit attitude, spits on you and runs away.

Maybe...

Maybe you look back on all of your experiences with Apathy, PANIC & DESPAIR and realize the whole thing was fucked and you won't let it happen again. Maybe you learned a tough lesson for the final time.

Maybe...

I am cold...

...and suddenly there was peace and harmony across the land. Then I realized I was sleeping. And by sleeping I mean I had passed out due to fever and exhaustion. And by exhaustion, I mean I'm working something like 16 days straight, most of those being double shifts. Glutton for punishment...maybe.

My birthday was good. Went to the Stuf' with "W" and El Capitan. The beer and liquor flowed like water, the chicken blt wrap was delicious(as always.) There was not a good looking to be found within three counties(as always.) And the Sox...well they got their asses handed to them by the Rangers. That was just completely unacceptable. You win some, you lose some, this I understand. But to get the shit and four $ beat out of you, when the season hasn't even really started yet, hmmm.... that's a toughy.

I picked up some new running shoes. Dick's was having a sale and who am I to say no to two pair of Adidas for $80? Now my heel spurs are much more comfortable and I don't look like I'm wearing Forrest Gump's hand-me-downs, (which I would never do anyway, as Nike is the fucking devil.)

Today I went to Michael's and spent more $$$ on some crafty shit I will probably never use. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. At least mine will be decoupaged and look all sparkly and shit.

The fever is taking over....more sleep before work.

I hope you all well.

Cheers,
JJ

Old Scratch...

In thirty-three minutes, I will be thirty-three years old. I am celebrating with a roast beef sandwich and a bottle of water. I don't know if I can contain myself from all the excitement.

I have been working alot lately. This weekend I worked 40 hours in three days. Life has been somewhat of a bitch but with people being out and second team not picking any of the slack up, someone (me) has to man-up. I work tomorrow...only one shift. Then I am spending my weekend working. and I work a double on Friday and probably through the weekend. Overtime is good. I have some stuff I'd like to do with the money but I'm not really sure how much I am going to make. I know I will get killed in taxes, but I should finally have the money I need to buy an iPod. If not, well then I can buy some new shorts as the ones I have now are getting a bit big...not that this is a bad thing.

It was a tough shift at work today. You can't ever let your gaurd down, not ever. The older I get, the more spiritual I feel I am becoming. I don't mean like bible-thumpin' but if you're not reading anything else, it's not a bad book to pick up. Anyway...its been almost a year since the devil made an appearance. Tonight, he decided to come back in full force and while his entrance made a little bit of an impression, I told him to go fuck himself. That both me and my man JC did not welcome his ass, nor did we want it around, so get to steppin; cause there was nothing to see here. He looked at me like I was talkin' shit and maybe I was, but in the end you stand your ground, and JC has always got your back.

I watched someone wracked with convulsions, seizures or something just all over nasty. I watched as she fought for breath, as she struggle to stay conscious and in the end lost that fight. I watched as my team worked as a well-oiled machine to keep the guest alive. I watched and kept my composure as the devil shook this guest, winked at me and asked, "where is your God now?" I watched as a young form was turned into something resembling something from, "the grudge." Many people put faith in science. While I understand that, tonight the only science I was agreeing with was, "for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction." While my team worked, I prayed silently over the body, I hate myself for feeling somewhat embarrassed about that but I don't think people would have understood. For what it's worth, 45 minutes later the guest was up and talking and joking around. They had regained enough energy to walk to their room and lay down. Eventually the guest even came out to have a can of coke and then back to bed.

After third watch started, I left and went to Stoppie's. I picked up a bottle of water and roast beef on a bulkie roll. Not a great way to celebrate but what are you gonna do?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Fear does not...

exist in this dojo...does it?!?!?!

I've been back to work now for a couple of days. Right now, (not actually in the real world) it's sunday for me. See, when you work at the Agency, unless you are one of the chosen few, you never...ever get weekends off. It's just something that never happens. So as a result, my weekend falls on wed/thursday. It's not as bad as it sounds, I'm not a huge drinker. I mean, I've been known to tear it up on occassion but for the most part. I don't live for the traditional "weekend" to go out and abuse my liver.

anyway...

Today I had to go in for training. Of course training always falls on my day off...cause why wouldn't it? Why should I be able to have two solid days off? We were being tested to make sure our h2h skills are up to speed & to make sure we are using, "Agency approved" take down methods. To be perfectly honest...If someone is trying to fuck my shit up, in the immortal words of Emilio Estevez, "me hitting you...you hittin' the floor." I took the high road before and look what it got me. A three month, barely paid vacation. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and mentioned how I haven't been this broke since high school. Saving the world from evil and taking the shit I do is a tough racket when, at the end of the week, you can't even pay your rent. Nothing but savages I tell you.

I was not able to complete all of the training, this makes me angry. This was a dry run for our national certification next month. The knee is good, but I'm still not able to put all the weight on it. Some of the single person take downs are damn near imposssible. Fuck it...nothing ever goes down by the book anyway.

In other news...

Been reading Chuck Palahniuk's book, Lullaby. It's good. All I will say is that the concept surrounding the book is good and that a "lullaby" is a driving force in the plot. I have put myself in the place of the main character and I have to tell you, I can't decide whether or not it is a good or a bad thing. If nothing else, this book has made me want to read Fight Club. Read fight club you say? Yes, read fight club. Apparently, I am the only person on the planet who didn't enjoy this film. However, Palahniuk's writing forces me to consider the fact that I might enjoy reading the aforementioned film. We'll see.

That's about all I have for a sunday night. I think there maybe a sandwich and maybe a coffee in my near future, but I could be wrong.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Baby it's warm...

outside!!!

The weather yesterday was phenomenal. I drove by banks who's thermometers read 75 degrees. I don't know about all that but it was at least 65 and that is a welcome change from all of the, "holyfuckohmygodicantbeleiveitstheendofmarchanditsstill100belowzeroout" bullshit we've been experiencing. Still, summer can't come fast enough for me. I mean...other than warmer days and nicer weather, I really have no cause for wanting summer to get her asap. It's not like I'm a pro-surfer or a stawberry farmer. Not a life gaurd or that kid in high school labled, "the bad seed" with a chip on his shoulder and a hog the size of Nebraska in his dickies. I just think I pine for summer cause people seem to be more relaxed and a little more forgiving. Now that I think about it, that's why in the pristine weather yesterday, I watched a mother scream at her young son, like he was the child she never, ever wanted. Too much of that shit going around and with any luck, she'll get hers.

I went on a hunt for a new bookstore yesterday. After breakfast, I drove and drove and drove some more. When I finally arrived at said destination, it was closed. Not like closed for the day or forever, but closed like it didn't open for another hour. Imitating John "Sunshine on my goddamn Shoulders" Denver, I jumped back in the F1 and drove and drove and drove some more. I was about 30 miles away from Hartford when I figured I should turn around. So I did and on my way back, in the middle of a sleepy little CT town, Putnam, I found another bookstore. I didn't stop cause traffic was a bitch and there was no place within a ten mile radius to park but I referenced it for the next sunny day drive.

Today includes going to a bullshits training at work, chores around the hizzo and maybe some reading...I'm not sure, I might not have time for all that fun. At any rate, I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not on strike...

Nine thirty and I’ve been up for almost four hours. Shit has to get done today and I need to get back into the swing of getting up early. I’m excited about going back to work on Monday, but to honest, it’s more about making the real paycheck than anything else. The time off has been good and has allowed me to heal, but to be honest, I don’t think I’ve been this broke since I was in high school. Scary huh?

Still on the metal kick. Yesterday, I visited with my friend, Mike Z, the manager from Hell at Newbury comics, and picked up Alive or Just Breathing by Killswitch Engage, as well as Never Take Friendship Personal, by anberlin. I’m still undecided on the anberlin record, there are a couple of tracks that totally kick ass but I’m not yet sold on the disc as a whole. Alive or Just Breathing is a great disc. Jesse Leach, former Killswitch Engage frontman, has the best voice in metal. It’s interesting to see the progression he has made from his days with the Providence evil core outfit, Corrin. Since Leach’s departure from Killswitch Engage, he now spends time working a day job and fronting, Seemless, yet another Massachusetts band lucky enough to receive Leach’s vocal Midas touch.

I was rocking out to Alive or Just Breathing on my walk home from the mechanics this morning. There is nothing better than waking up at all most the end of March to find snow flurries coming down at a disconcerting pace. I believe, “What the fuck?” came out of my mouth at an unreasonable volume for 5am. Like Leeroy Jenkins, “at least I had coffee” this morning. I thought my mechanic opened earlier than 7 and so I drove to T-Ho’s for a café mocha and a bagel. When I dropped my car off, my guy told me it should be done by Noon and to come and get it. Problem is, he never answers the phone after Noon so if I walk up, and it’s not done…I’m shit outta luck. I suppose I could go to T-Ho’s for more caffeine, or the comic book store, to spend more money I don’t have, but those options are not really in my best interest.

In other news…

I found a bunch of people I used to work with at Crank of America, on myspace yesterday. COA was never the kind of place that would let you get a sense of who you were working with, but to look at these profiles, scary man…just scary. Tonight, if my luck is good, and the car is set to go, I’m going to go catch a flick. Not sure what. I’d like to see Ultraviolet but I have been hearing some bad shit about that one. Then again, everyone has been raving about V for Vendetta. I hate when people rave about a flick. If they are professional critics, they have been paid off. If they are the average Joe, most of the time our tastes don’t jive. Whatever…something will be seen.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

You wanna know what the toughest thing about being a diabetic is? Besides all of the fucking chemical havok that shit wreaks on your body, I don't know a diabetic that is not hungry. My dad has been a diabetic for as long as I can remember. Medicine has advanced greatly in my thirty years on the planet. People always said, "eat right, exercise, lose weight and your blood sugars will be fine." My dad lost enough weight to be the equivalent of another person, never eats anything he wants to, and exercises as much as time allows, (which is at least 30 minutes daily.)

Is he perfect? Of course not, the man will occassionally, and by occassionally I mean twice a year, eat something tasty, but his blood sugars are all over the place even taking his medicine, and following doctors orders religiously. Why all the diabetes talk you ask?

Cause I have it too.

It's something that never goes away. There is no cure, and diabetes reminds you it's around all day long. From feeling as though you are going to collapse cause your sugars are too low, too feeling as though you are going to pass out cause maybe you had too much pasta at a meal. Now, yes, it's possible to live a full life and keep blood glucose levels under control...just ask Wilford Brimley, Tommy Lee, and B.B. King but do you have to deny yourself everyday? You bet your ass.

Both my father and I have had doctor's tell us in layman's terms, "if it tastes good, don't eat it." Awesome, so bowls of dogshit for the rest of my life and I will live to be 70 if I'm lucky. If heart attack, blindness, stroke, amputation due to poor circulation or infection doesn't get me.

Sorry for the negative but in case you can't guess, my blood sugar is on the high side.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Erin Go Bragh!!!

So here I am, awake at 4:15am on this, the greatest of holidays, St. Patrick’s Day, and I am drinking…coffee.  No need for more abuse than absolutely necessary.  I’m thinking about being totally cliché and going to the parade and then maybe someplace to get a corned beef brisket sandwich and maybe a Guinness or two.  Part of me feels compelled as I owe it to the Citrus Queen™.  We spent two good St. Paddy’s days, among a few others, three sheets to the wind, without a care in the world.  Winowhere will do that to a person.

I didn’t post at all yesterday and I’m not sure why.  Could have been the lackluster response to my three post Tuesday, but I need to remember is that it’s not about the hits or the comments, it’s about getting what’s locked up in my head out.  I’ve been feeling less than normal lately, this does not include the ever dissipating pain in my knee (Praise God!) nor the case of the congestisniffs I seem to have had for the better part of three months.  I don’t know if I’m losing my grasp on things, I mean I don’t think so, as I don’t feel fucking crazy and believe me, I’ve been to the edge before.

Now that I am actually thinking about it, instead of trying to sleep or ignore everything important in my life through video games, reading and the ever dwindling interweb, this new sense of uncertainty seems to be coming from my own self doubt.  I recently decided my next move is to become a teacher.  I will have to go back to college and double major in education and English, but when I’m done, I will be able to go out and help young people.  Yes, nursing is something which would allow me to help people as well, but when it comes down to it, I started college as a secondary ed major and was told I was not smart enough to get into the program.  I was not smart enough to get into the program but I was smart enough to still be accepted into the college and have them take my $$$.  Whatever, no more bitching, I love adversity and I love being able to stick it to those who told me I couldn’t.

So as far as I am concerned, I am telling the little voice in the back of my head to go fuck itself cause I have a plan and a mission.  The only thing that can stop me now is me.

Things I care...

so little about I almost passed out. I was driving to dinner with my brother, his gf and the parents when I heard of a new reality show in the works. Celebrity Food Fight was the title that made my asshole pucker. The premise of the show is celebrities go to the market to find the ingredients, bring them back to real, accomplished chefs and then the meal is prepared. Oh and all of this has to be done in 90 minutes. Both Star Jones and Burt Reynolds said they would be very interested in participating, should the show make it into a weekly run. Right...you know what gets me about this? Food Network was the last network I had any sort of respect for cause they hadn't sold out. Now this crap....Star Jones?...Burt fucking Reynolds?....Are you fucking kidding me?

In other news...

Coming to you live from the Nerdery: Today gamers world-wide, (myself included) were waiting to hear what Sony Chief, Ken Kutaragi was going to say about the Playstation 3. Let the record show at this point...I don't even care anymore. There have been so many delays and rumors and whatnot, that unless the console comes bundled with $100,000,00 in cash or a unit to suck my dick, I am in no hurry to purchase one. Games on my PS2 are still impossible enough to sustain my frustration, and by frustration I mean enjoyment for at least another year or two. Here are some of the lowlights.

† PS3™ will launch in Japan, Europe and North America in early November 2006. Wow only 9 more months for you to wait before the shelves are emptier than Paris Hilton's head. I'm sure when it comes available for pre-ordering, those tickets are going to mean about as much as an, "I'm sorry" from Dick Cheney. Released just in time to ruin the holiday seasons of parents and children alike. The rioting will be recockulous, like shit we haven't seen since the glory days of the Xavier Robert's Cabbage Patch Debacle. But hell, aren't the holidays about killing one another over oil, I mean presents, I mean religion?

† Captain Ken confirmed the PS2™ will continue to retail for $149.99. There will be no price drop until long after the release of the PS3™. Thanks Ken, we've only been waiting for the PS3 to launch about as long as most christians have for the second coming of Christ.

† There will be great advances and releases for the PSP™. Great...sorry Ken, I love your products and company and video games, but I'm not shelling out $250 for a PSP™. I have never been a fan of portable gaming, never owned a gameboy or anything like it. Last time I rocked a hand held, I was scoring touchdowns with Mattle Electronics™. It's cool the PSP™ team is doing great and wonderous things, but from what I hear, the PS3™ development team could use a hand. Remember Ken, there is no I in team.

I could go on but you can check out the rest of the sheeyat over here.


This is what I currently have my teeth in right now. Klosterman does a good job at taking a look at pop culture from the thinking persons POV. Even though I am only about a third of the way through I like the essay style of the chapters, as well as the often humorous footnotes. I will go ahead and stamp my Called Out seal of approval on this one.



In closing, Friday is St. Patrick's Day. If you're of Irish decent, Erin Go Braugh! Remember that negative sterotypes come in all ethnicities and colors and even though we are God's favorite sons and daughters, enjoy yourselves without needing someone to pick you up out of the gutter or a puddle of your own fluids. Everyone wants to be Irish on St. Paddy's day but no one wants to be the sack of shit passed out on the front stoop by two in the afternoon. The same goes for you non-Celts. Just cause it's a drinkin' holiday does not me you can swill like booze is never gonna be made again, while wearing your, "kiss me, I'm shitfaced" tshirt, act like an asshole and not expect some (hopefully) 50 year old man named Paddy, or Fitzy or Murph to knock your fucking ass out for being disrespectful. We're a proud people and it goes a lot farther than Blarney stones, U2 and corned beef & cabbage.

Those things having been said, I'm gonna go practice smiling and being happy. From the tone of this post, I'm sure you'll think it never happens.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. None of this bullshit either!

Sgooood...

3:37 and I have just finished my FIRST cup of coffee. That will tell you what kind of day I've been having. Lotsa bs errands to take care of today. Dropped some stuff off at work I needed to keep from being fired, as well as keep my health insurance....this is muy importante!

After went to CVS...hate, hate, HATE! that fucking place, but it's where I pick up my drugs. The ones that keep me alive and not the ones that make me dance the hully-gully. Before both of the aforementioned things there was my final physical therapy appointment. It went well and the knee feels pretty good. I'd give it high 80% if not in the 90's. There is always going to be some lack of flexibility, it just comes with my age, my weight, and the abuse my hinges have taken over the years.

That said, I have to go to dinner tonight with my parents. I'm assuming my brother and possibly the gf are going to be there. I like the gf, I really do, but she mentioned something about PETA being rediculous and who the fuck thinks that except, puppy-hating republicans? I respect peoples right to eat meat or not eat meat, to wear fur or not wear fur, to vegan kosher or not vegan kosher, but to come out and make a comment about, "People who think PETA is a good idea being annoying"...that just chaps my ass. I don't know, maybe I'm wound a little tight, maybe I should just let it go?

At any rate, I am currently playing Star Wars Battlefront, the first one, cause it's $19.99 and I'm also reading, "Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman. I recommend both however the Battle for Endor in single player mode, IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taylor Mali

For the uninitiated, Taylor Mali is a poet. Taylor has been on championship caliber teams from Providence, RI & New York and has a way with words that can make your head spin. He features wherever he can and is always up for a game of Scrabble.™ Taylor has appeared on several episodes of Russell Simmon's, Def Poetry to the delight of viewers worldwide. Taylor, a former school teacher, has made it is personal mission to recruit 1000 new teachers through his poetry. While not quite there yet, to hear him perform, "What Teachers Make" is enough to inspire anyone to take up the cause for education.

Taylor recently posted a 202 word sentence in his journal. Not to shabby. If you are not of the slam poetry persuasion, at least give his journal a look. (link posted below) He's a pretty interesting guy with a lot to say. In a time in age of many people talking about nothing, Taylor is a breath of fresh air.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taylor Mali - Journal

There is some kind of death squad running through my body and it's not a good time. I have been feeling like the proverbial "dogshite" for the past 4-5 days. Some type of virus that masquerades as a cold/headache/cough-cough/sniffles/stuffy head/oh wait, we forgot to tell you you're gonna blow out your anus disease.

I have a serious case of ring-sting, bunghole en fuego, bungsoon, bungnami, bungicaine , bungdoom and if I have to spend anymore time on the toilet, (who has graciously decided to not donkey punch me and overflow) I'm just gonna take off my pants and sleep nude in the back yard until its over. One way or another, I come out on top.

Looks like this dude pressed his luck one time too many. It's too bad he was doing volunteer medical flight work when he bit it. It's nice to see people from Hollyweird doing good deeds, you know giving something back. For the uninitiated, that's Peter Tomarken, host of Press Your Luck. Yes, the no whammies...no whammies...no whammies...STOP! game. Sorry about the lack of hangtime dude, you will be missed.

Ok, back to me...

Yeah I'm really hungry and trying to figure out what the hell I am going to eat that is not going to make me shit like I have a wild strain of ebola in me. Something is telling me hash and eggs is not the best idea. However, I know this to be true most of the time. Maybe just a bagel with some cream cheese and a cup of tea. Nothing to volatile there eh? Maybe if your lucky I will let you all know how that goes depending on whether or not I have to hunker down on the ass bunker again.

I'm not listening to anything good today. I was listening to the audiobook version of Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz. I like it. I cant stay awake through it but it's kind of like having someone there to tell you a bed time story whenever you want.

I hope you all are well.

NEED AN O-RING DOWN HERE!!!

Cheers,
JJ

If you can look at this picture and not think: laundry, games of pool/foosball, jukebox selections or dinner a la vending machine, congratulations, you've moved on from college.

Sunday, bloody Sunday. No, I'm not talking about the U2 song, being up on a Sunday without something to do has just always seemed a little off to me. Sunday is the day of rest, I mean come on, "the Man" said so. However practically ever type of business is open on Sunday, even some banks. If I remember correctly, this pissed someone off and they went into the temple and flipped some shit just to let people know what was up, who was in charge and what not to do on, "the day of rest." See, he wasn't just a peace n' love, dirty hippy.

So here I sit, clackity-clacking for you, for me, for anyone willing to listen. I listen all the time. Not to myself though. If I did, I'd be in better heath, better spirits and probably better of financially. C'est la vie, why even bother looking at it. Hindsight is always 20/20 and if I get any more cliche in this post, please remind me to kill myself.

Sunday is my favorite day...when I don't have to work. These past couple of months off of work have spoiled me, but also reminded me that I need to get out of my line of work. Find something a little more suited to my likes and dislikes. After some soul searching, I finally know what that one thing is and now it's time to persue it. I'm not going to mention any details here cause if I do, I'm afraid my dreams will turn into nothing more than hot air. So for now we'll keep them under wraps until I have started to go down that path.

Breakfast with coffee, the internet, while listening to Bob Mould's magnificent band, Sugar on a gray Sunday morning, it doesn't get much better than this.

Well I guess it could, but not for me, at least not this week.

If you can look at this picture and think: busfare, lunch/gas money, a little jingle towards prescriptions, welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Update...

My fucking toilet is on the Mondale, if you know what I mean. It flushes and then decides if it is going to donkey punch me or not. This is a new development and I'm sure I'm not in favor of this being an everyday thing. Maybe this is the result of my impulse buy of a blender and the smoothie binge that I went on. Not that this caused any sort of Herculean bowel movements, but my enjoying anything in life, well that just can't be good.

It's late, I should be sleeping but I am enjoying the night time freedom as long as I can. I'm sure I will be going back to work sometime soon so I need to bask in the glory that is not having to get up. A sane person would not be drinking the coffee I am drinking at such a late hour. This shit is delicious but barely human by any stretch of the imagination. It's the kind of coffee that Bob Kelso would describe as, "putting a hop in your step and your ass in the john." Watch out toilet...I'm coming for you.

Chilling and listening to the Garden State soundtrack. It's a good one and probably one of my favorites in awhile. Waiting for the "W" to call me with details of why his night was so bad. I love when I get text messages about friends running covert ops, and they refuse to give any info at all. Whatever...you'd think by this age we'd all be over that shit. At any rate, Colin Hay can sing his ass off. That dude is just talented and I often wonder about the demise of Men At Work. Was their time up? Was there infighting in the bad? Or did everyone want to take their spoils and go and lives the lives they had planned for themselves, before they became wildly famous?

Either way I'm still glad Colin has resurfaced both in the music and performing circles. Seeing him on the second season of Scrubs was hilarious. I'm also pleased this is the first time in a few weeks I've been able to sit here and clackity-clack and not be freezing my twig and berries off. This could be the start of something wonderful.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The New Regime...

I just came back from Tim Horton's. Not only was I in and out of the drive-thru in less than two minutes, I got courteous service, hot coffee, and after just finishing my cup, I "rolled up the rim and won a free coffee." Sunday is shaping up to be ok.

FUCK YOU, DUNK!!!

Savages...

Still think we are there to liberate and free people?

This is nothing more that assault, possibly attempted murder. Fuck this war, fuck the president and fuck those cowardly limey fucking scumbags.

Nothing like 4-5 on 1. Especially when the Iraqui kids are begging to not be beat. They should fucking hang the cameraman from a bridge and set his ass on fire.

People wonder why this coalition is hated so much?

There is your answer.

This week has...

been somewhat wacky. Nothing really out of the ordinary, but just a few things here and there. It snowed again, which was fan-fucking-tastic. I love shoveling. Anyway, like I was saying, nothing very out of the ordinary. The trainers at the center for orthopaedics, where I go three times a week to torture my knee, have decided to up my weights this week. I have only recently started to work my hamstrings, which if any of you have had a knee injury you've had to rehab, know is the same as asking to be brutally tortured. So my weights went up and after they measured to see how much flexibility I have regained.....they decided to raise my weights again.

Hold on, hold on to yourself, cause this is gonna hurt like hell...... Thanks Sarah but I think I can handle it from here.

So about two nights ago, I was hit with a bout of insomnia. I managed to tire myself out by about 4am and hit the hay. I woke a little after 7:30am, remembering bits and pieces of a dream and feeling as though I had been hit by a truck. One thing I noticed along time ago, after I had stopped partaking of the herbal enchantment, I was able to remember my dreams. This can either be a good or bad thing. For me, a self-proclaimed writer, this was a good thing. Thursday night I had a dream where the majority of females I have ever gone to school with or in some cases even met once...aske me to have sex with them.

All of these invitations came via cellphone of course. Which makes me wonder how the girl I would have thrown myself to the wolves for in gradeschool, (who turned into the town bike in high school) got my cell #. Anyway, in the dream I drove from one rendevous to another, never actually meeting any of the prospective "fuckers" if you will, just driving from one phone call to the next.

When I finally awoke, what seemed like after 20 minutes of sleep, I was so flabbergasted at the nature of the dream, I needed some time awake to either think or not think about it. Part of me thought it was my subconscious telling me, "YOU REALLY NEED TO GET LAID." Part of me thought it may have been cause I was contacted by roadhead this week and another part of me just felt it was a random experience. Regardless, I felt so horrid when I awoke, I knew enough not to put coffee in me. I had a huge cup of chai and after knew more bed was in order. I awoke somewhere after 11am feeling much, much better.

FAST FORWARD TO TODAY

I received my Emergen-c energy booster "with joint health" in it yesterday. I know I have told you all about the healing wonders this stuff is for hangovers. Well, let me just tell you this, I am about 3 packages in and already the pain in my damaged knee has subsided noticably. Do I think it's a cureall....no, but I do think anything that helps me to feel less pain is good. I was able to take a nap this afternoon, in a semi-comfortable position and woke up feeling rested and refreshed, without having to kick-start my leg.

During my nap I had another odd dream, this one was a little more tame but still worth mentioning. I had a dream that I was meeting Tony Pierce for lunch. I don't know if I was interviewing him or what but he had agreed to meet me and hang out for a bit. Tony showed me around his place and then we went someplace to dine outside, eat great food and drink sangria. I thought this odd as I had never heard Tony mention sangria, but what the hell do I know about LA right? I'm from the asshole of the east coast. Lunch was good, and I can't remember specifics but I felt as though I had a great time. Tony encouraged me to blog more and just relax and it would all happen for me as long as I was honest with myself and everyone else.

(SIDENOTE:I am for the most part, but if there are things I think will hurt those I love or careabout, I will either phrase them very delicately or not at all.) Tony thanked me for the time and I told him the pleasure was all mine. We shook hands and like the old, old Star Trek, Bro disappeared like Scotty was beaming him up. See guess you don't really need a car in LA!

Sometimes the biggest forms of inspiraish, come in the form of the smallest naps.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Linkage...

Checkout some photos of Winter-y goodness with Boom!

Check out more photo goodness with Dave!!

Then make your self a smoothie and enjoy a huge bowel movement!

Cheers,
JJ

I dont crush...

I just hate a lot.

I’m many things. A nice guy, a guy with good taste in music, a guy who has read a few books, a guy who has traveled a bit, a guy who has a good sense of humor, a guy your mom and dad will love.

One thing I am not, I am not the guy to be fucking with.

I am not a guy who is going to put up with endless amounts of bullshit from you, especially if you have not previously broken my heart. If you haven’t penetrated the inner-cockles of my heart by now, good luck.

“Well Jackass Jimmy, sounds like you are an unforgiving, miserable, heartless bastard.” One moment my friend! While I will give you that Winter & morning in general can make me curmudgeonly and sometimes miserable, this is not my overall disposition. As for unforgiving, I have forgiven those in need as well as those deserving. Do I do it a lot…not really, but does anyone? Heartless, I know this not to be true because I have swept my heart up off the floor many, many times.

See when someone knocks on your door after several weeks of no contact, one has to be suspicious, at least I do. You wanna be cute and play the text message game, that’s fine, I can do that and get shit accomplished at the same time…I’m a multi-tasker. I’m doing laundry and scratching the inside of my asshole as I type this. However like the masters before me, MiYagi and Yoda, JackassJimmY has also been blessed with the Y. As in Y you gotta fuck with me?

Karate yes or karate no, karate guess so…squish like grape. Do or do not…there is no try.

Talking and talking and talking, about the weather, about showers, about other inane bullshit is like getting a handjob from that chick in high school. You know the one I’m talking about. She never really liked you, she just wanted to go out for the free grub and movie, and to offer the worst handjob ever, just so she could tell everyone how small your dick was and how badly she blueballed you.

Fuck that.

That should be considered criminal on some level. At any rate, I’m up,(no pun intended) I have had my first cup of coffee for the day, and things are shaping up to be bloggerific. Maybe I will relax later on. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my but too.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

Pregnant in 30 minutes or less!!!

Pizza Magnate Seeks Catholic-Governed Town - Yahoo! News

I know I...

have mentioned my distain for Winter lately & I also know Spring is right around the corner, but it can't come fast enough.

today, when my physical therapist mentioned we're due for another 2-4 inches, I just hung my head like I farted in class. I have been out of work for over two months, with a knee that feels as though its in pieces and though the therapy is helping, I have had to shovel a shitload of snow without any help from a more than capable brother. So forgive me if I don't share in everyone's joy over the chance to make one more snowman.

Moving right along...

I did something today I haven't done in a long time. I came home from pt, had a bite to eat, threw on some music and took a nice afternoon nap. I haven't done this since college and forgotten what a wonderful thing the afternoon snooze is.

200 years ago back in 1998, my roommate and I would often come home from class and if there were not meetings or study sessions to attend, &/or we didn't feel up to marathon NHL '99 sessions, often there was "the snooze." Depending on our level of exhaustion, our options were (most often) bed, but on occassion there was the huge couch that would allow us to sleep comfortably head to foot. (Keep in mind this was a standard dorm room, it's wasn't like we were living in an apartment on or off campus.) The playlist for the snooze was short and very, very selective and difficult to get on.

1. Miles Davis: Sketches of Spain / Kind of Blue
2. Tony Bennett: All Time Greatest Hits
3. Enigma: Enigma3: Le Roi Est Morte, Vive Le Roi!
4. Ani DiFranco: Dilate
5. Third Eye Blind: Third Eye Blind

Our door was always open and constantly people would come in and find us snoozing, sometimes under throws, sometimes not, but always be it man or woman, they would stare like a confused puppy at the sight of two men on a huge couch. It got to the point where people would come in and not say anything. This grew old and if they did not speak within 30 seconds or so, roomie or I would just point to the door. Most people got the hint, with the exception of Citrus Queen, but she was exempt from this and many other rules, as she was the Queen and had carte blanche of waking us up too.

So when I settled down under my 30 degree and up blanket, with BT's Satellite on repeat, I was a little sad to wake up in my house, sans roomie. However, I thought of some good times, great friends and remembered the importance of staying well rested.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

It's been a...

tough week already. We've lost Don Knotts and Darren McGavin and if anyone is lucky...Dick Cheney will drop dead in about ten minutes. We couldn't get that lucky cause then it would be open season on W's ass.

Anyway...

I haven't been posting much lately, not really sure why. I've had thoughts and opinions, saw a movie or two, even listened to a cd. Sometimes baring all for everyone becomes somewhat of a burden. Now, I'm not saying I find my blog burdensome, if anything the complete opposite, but lately there have been times when despite the ungodly amount of coffee consumed... I am actually tired. I am taking this as a sign from my body to go to bed. The inevitable return to work looms probably just over the weekend and well, I'm ready.

The knee is not 100% but I don't think it is ever going to be again. I will continue the therapy but I think the rest of the healing lies within time and prayers. "Did he just say prayers?" Yep, he did. Not to get all Jesus-y on anyone, I have been getting more in touch with my spiritual side, and not in that way you sickos. It's just something I have struggled with for the better part of my life. There was a time when blind obediance was part of my vocabulary, kind of like supporting your president.

Then I learned about free-thinking, free will, and discention. I learned it's ok to have an opinion outside of the norm and that there are people who, when they are not dying for oil or to make the richest motherfuckers on the planet even richer, are defending my life and personal freedoms. Grateful, of course I am. It just sucks good people have to get jammed up and in some cases die cause the US Government is fucked. That's all I have to say about that...


Moving right along...

Last night I was wired on coffee and tempted to post but my ramblings would have been less intelligible than Beckett's best stream of consciousness stuff. Occassionally, I will get a case of "cornholio" and just want to pontificate about nothing in general.

It's times like these that naps or marathon video gaming sessions are very helpful. Yes, if I were a crayon, I would be the color of, "dork."
During the college, the purple haze may have been just as effective, but those days are long gone.

Last night was interesting in that I had several revelations:

1. I'm too tense/high strung/ up-tight.
Could be the coffee, could just be part of who I am but the more I think about it. The more I realize I don't let myself have any fun. (Boom, now is not the time to chime in) Part of the new year will include sporadic letting go. Whether or not it is documented here has not been determined yet.

2. You need to live life to have something to write about.
I think many people/bloggers, myself included, think life is just going to happen around them and provide for endless material to post on. This is not true. There are only so many posts one can read about Grey's Anatomy or the lastest episode of the "L" word. After a while, no one gives a fuck anymore.

3. Have sex with every redhead, every other brunette and every third blonde you can.
I have no idea where this idea came from but it was revealed to me in my sleep, so I must go with the assumption this message is divine. Who am I to argue with the Great One? I am of course assuming this theory is unisex, so ladies, please feel free to indulge the men in your life, or more importantly...me.

Hmmm.....seems as though the AM coffee and Jimi Hendrix are making me a bit itchy so, I need to get up on outta here. I will however leave you with this.

Buckcherry's new single, "Crazy Bitch" from their forthcoming album "Fifteen" will be the Stripper Anthem of 2006. You heard it here first.

Rest in Peace gents...