For those of...

you keeping score:
nursing home 7
jackassjimmy’s back -23

pretty sure I finished my clinical rotation the other night.
now it’s back into the classroom for a few more tests & then hasta la pasta…and I’m out

Didn’t apply for a job @ said nursing home
I’m done
no more free labor from me
the people working there are fine, catty but, fine
I also think me, working in a dude-free environment, is probably not the best idea
I mean my back is already train-wrecked, no need to set that wreck on fire

I applied for a few jobs this week
one better than the other
way better really
but at this point
if I can get in front of someone
and get an interview
I might crack a smile for the first time since
Lincoln was President

the foot is on fire today
weird…cause it’s healing
doc said, “It looks much, much better…”
which was a relief
but I still feel a good amount of
spontaneous pain
like burning
not bad enough to warrant medication
but certainly enough to complain about
this new dressing he put on
is supposed to stay on for a week
not sure how well that’s gonna go
especially if my feet start sweating, as they are want to do

fall is knocking on the door
and I’m feeling the slight shift in my mood already
I don’t think having my master piece of a garden
ripped out of the ground
to plant grass
helps much
but who am I?

been getting msgs
from the way back
people I was never even really connected with
makes me wonder if the universe is trying to
set me up for another
donkey punch
or
worse

one cant ever be to careful
when the universe is concerned
cause there are times one wants
to be
a guy
and there are times one knows
what the right thing
to do is
and never the two shall meet
and so we have these experiences
teachable moments
mistakes
and in order
to not die of
shame
embarrassment
etc.
we name it
learning

I’ve had about as much learnin’ as I can take in one life time.


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Somethings got to...

give...

Just came back from second podiatrist appointment in as many weeks.

in the words of Paula Abdul, “One step forward and two steps back”
apparently the opposites which don’t attract in my life are health and feet

I’m not going to lie, starting to get a little freaked out by the fact that I’m not able to be on my feet for any extended period of time.

Yes
I’ve been here before
Yes
I know it takes time for these things to heal
Still
it doesn’t make the anticipating, hoping, waiting and wishing go any faster
So
another hiatus from
work
working out
delicious things
and generally living life

Pretty awesome if you ask someone who is not
me

Week off from CNA class could not have come at a better time
I still feel kind of shitty about the Doc giving me shit about not having insurance
it’s not like I don’t want to be insured
it’s not like I don’t want to work
it’s not like I am trying to screw the system over and get something for nothing
I would pay the full amount if I were able
and yet
even though I still able to contribute something
I get the verbal chorus of disapproval and the equivalent of a finger shake at me

I suppose if I worked three jobs
put myself through a good college
were conservative
and followed the GOP blindly
like a fucking sheep
things would be better off for me

At least that’s what I am being force fed by everyone around me.


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I was in...

an uber bad fucking mood

and then I started listening to some new to me music

“The Hymn of a Broken Man” by Times of Grace, to be exact. I don’t know what the jury says about this disc but to be honest, I’m into it and I’ve only heard like the first 4-5 tracks
I think that says something about the musicianship and talent that went into this recording

Not only that but, I no longer feel like smashing shit, getting in a fight for no reason or doing some other dumb and non-productive shit

Back to the grind tomorrow night and I’m not even sure I can call it that cause, when you grind, you get paid. There is no money exchanging hands here. Maybe I will have to retitle my actions, “the wipe” or “the rub” as the case may be.

Watched “Jeff who lives at Home” and “The Hunger Games” this weekend. They both made me wish the Redbox had feelings, so I could say mean shit to it and make it feel bad about itself.

With a cast including Ed Helms, Susan Sarandon, Rae Dawn Chong and Jason Seigel, I expected something other than a turd trying to win the gold medal in the pole vault competition, at the shit olympics. Jeff, who lives at Home did not even place. That being said. Hunger Games was not better by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t understand what all the hype was about for the books and I understand even less about hype for the movie. When the best acting performance is delivered by Lenny Kravitz, one might want to think about who cast the leads.

Finished World War Z finally. I’ve been reading that book for what seems like the better part of a decade. It was entertaining, not life changing but, I’m not sorry I invested time in it either. I started In the Garden of the Beasts this afternoon. It’s the latest in the selection of books from my brother & sister-in-laws book club. I don’t know where people find these books but, since no one has read either of the last two selections, my hopes for anyone reading about the developing relations between pre-WWII Germany and the United States are minimal at best. If I’m surprised and people actually do read and discuss the book, you’ll be the first to know.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

BOOM!!!

it's almost four am and I am still awake

stressed out about not hearing from potential employer
I know they have to review my materials
but in all honesty
my resume is one page

wtf is the hold up?

it's a test I tell you
Im almost at the point
where I dont even care
anymore

sad part is
I really do.
I really, really do
I want to go back to work in the worst way
this semi-self-imposed vacation became
long and boring
about twelve and a half
months ago

the money is not even the worst part
its the lack of inter-action
the lack of sense of purpose
that bother me the most

most days I don't even know what fucking day it is
not cause I spent the previous night getting screaming drunk
and all sorts of fucked up on illicit substances
but because when there is nothing to do
nowhere to go
no one to talk to
then all of the
days and nights and inbetweens
just fucking run together
like some kind of final art project
done in haste
in hopes that graduation
is still a possibility

yeah

i
don't know anything about that

later on I will be going to apple
with momzilla
trying to find her a pair of wireless
headphones
loud enough so that
we dont have to
duct tape the stereo
to her head

im also going to take my
ipod
in the hope that a factory reset
is all it needs versus being dead
cause in the grand scheme of things
I do enjoy my music
but at this point
the ipod can go to that big scrap heap in the sky
if it means
im able to start work at some point
this month


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Call back...

do you know how long its been since I've had a call back for a job?

A LONG GD TIME! and that's all I can say about that. I'm excited but
at the same time don't want to get my hopes up because
the last thing I need right now is another let down

this week has been effing brutal, even though it is only tuesday

I
K-N-O-W!

there have been bright spots
reconnected with an old friend
HI HK!

got to watch some awful, summer-league hoops
with my dad at the most peaceful park on the planet

and threw out a ton of stuff I don't need.

My new interest is lucid dreaming
never have been able to try it
but
it seems like a good way to problem solve
at least for me
and if not, well then, flying and shooting
my arch enemies in the face with a bazooka
will be pretty cool too.

I was hoping to get to the beach today but
as I am waiting for the callback
I guess I'm somewhat house bound

What are you up to?


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Where are we?

I listen to and watch Jeff Daniels and I somewhat remember the United States I grew up in. One where the American dream, hell ANY dream, for that matter, was still possible. I remember being in high school and being told that my generation was going to be the, "First to not do as well as their parents."

We laughed out loud and back then we still thought of it as an LOL matter.

Now where are we? Who of us are happy where we are? Who feels though they have or CAN achieve their dreams? Who is feeling the agony of defeat and is trying to rally themselves, off the floor, one more time?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Read Only Memory...

So, I just finished the Steve Jobs Biography. I will not talk shit about the man, nor the wonderful things he did for the worlds of technology, animation, music, etc. However, I have to think if was somewhat less arrogant and stubborn, he might still be with us. Whether I am right or wrong, rest in peace Steve.

Got out of class early again tonight. Immaturity rears its ugly head again tonight. Instructor was going over Alzheimer's, it's affect on the brain and how the disease progresses and manifests. The non-mental health workers and those who have no idea how to compose themselves in public, thought it was a hoot and holler that a patient may spontaneously start masturbating at the dinner table, rec room, etc,. Being someone who has been touched by this disease, if only lightly, I wanted to ask them if it was still going to be funny if it was one of their family members or loved ones, who was getting down to business?

...nothing but savages in this place...

Leaving, I'm in the car and listening to some music I probably haven't had on since college, I pass a girl riding a horse down the side of the road. She's wearing a shirt that says, "lifeguard." For a second I had to pinch myself to make sure I was not dreaming. Then I remembered, "I live in Rhode Island and this should come as no surprise."

Day off tomorrow, hopefully get some housework done, call about job at detox center and then try and bang out as much reading as I can. There is the trip to Westerly to pick up the mobile, and then basketball with dad so, from here it's shaping up to be a pretty full day.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Heart-stopping Comedy

Had CPR training in CNA class last night.

Normally this would have been two hour snooze-fest but, the fire-fighter-paramedic-cpr-instructor, is also a part time comedian. No, not like he is funny, like he gets up on stage and tells joke for money. Like he works at a casino and there is the possibility he will be opening for either Dane Cook or Dennis Leary, later on this year.

Which reminded me of my time on stage. I chatted briefly with this guy after class and talked about how I had taken a comedy class, right after graduating from high school, how I had been a theater / communications major in college, hosted a radio on my own and also with a good friend of mine. We both agreed out of all the substances one can buy or drink, eat, snort or shoot, nothing beats the rush of being live on stage and feeding off the applause of the audience.

oddly enough, we also agreed that sometimes in life, you have to laugh in order to keep from crying. I don't know about the rest of you but, that's some wisdom right there.

Class started and ended in the blink of an eye and when it was all said and done, we had the training and knowledge to keep someone alive and give EMS the best shot they had at bringing them back among the living.

The methodology might be somewhat unorthodox but, more trainers of any subject, should take cues from this gentleman. Not only was he able to impart all of his knowledge but was able to do it in a manner that was quick and didn't make you want to put a gun in your mouth to get away from it.

That being said, I am now, (again) CPR certified. Just another step forward in my journey.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

emotive...

Even with the help of a holiday, this week was a freaking drag.

by the middle of class tonight, I was ready to tap out...of everything

but I had a nice drive home
cool
good music
not too much
traffic

I think I may have even smiled a few times

something about that sea air and the scent of sea grass
that
just relaxes the hell out of me
reminds me
there are other speeds besides
run for your lives

we all move to fast
not noticing the small things
appreciating barely anything
until it's gone
or too late
or both

I miss all of you
I wish the best for most of you
I love several of you
if you happen to not fall into one of those categories
do not fret
there is still time
there is always time
never...never...never
give
up

****

sometimes I feel like one of those scientists
sending signals
out into our galaxy
or
to infinity and beyond
or
at least that's what it feels like
waiting patiently
for the reply
which more than likely
will never come

taking refuge in ambient music
mediation
yoga
and other modalities
to quiet
the onslaught of aural terror
inside my brain
tranceporting myself
to another time
place
reality
where there is time to
breathe
listen to the wind
hold your hand
and remember

remember and appreciate
the gifts shared
gifts placed in front of me
unwrap when ready
if I was ready
reminders of the beauty of it all
still reminiscent in this disconnected
life
content yet yearning
smiling without the drugs
grateful to shed tears
righteous with anger
free to be myself
still afraid to
open up
let down the armor
love

but this light shines
and little by little
the summer breeze
off the ocean
fuel the fire
creating more light
more heat
more passion
eventually transforming
wood to ash
to fly
to be free
in the air
to dance and play
and rejoice






I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Three times 3

You know what being the, "I told you so..." guy gets you?

Not many dinner invitations.

At any rate I recently learned of karma finally making its way back around the universe and really laying the smack down on a friend of mine.

just two short years ago, I would have taken a certain, measurable amount of pleasure in learning this but, we change, we grow, we try and let go of the things that we maybe shouldn't like about ourselves so much.

Though it's often said, it does not ring truer for me in this instance, "don't judge until you walk a mile in anothers shoes." We all walk and have walked many, miles in our lifetime. With good health and good fortune, we will continue to walk a great while longer. While our paths may cross and diverge, the importance of the journey is learning along the way.

Not the type of gear you had
How much gear you had
how many people carried you

What did you take away from the journey?

If your only answer at the end is, "a bad back and a lot of sand in my shoes."

What's the point?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Uphill both ways...

Refocus: put again into focus or focus more sharply; "refocus the image until it is very sharp"

Over the past two weeks, I have repeatedly heard my dream is going to be almost impossible to make a reality, at least in any reasonable amount of time. Needless to say, this does not make me a happy camper. As a matter of fact, it makes me down-right angry. To the point where I just want to" get screaming drunk on brown liquor, break things, kill people...myself included and just give up.

and then after about 16 hours of cool down time

I stop and think and the added relaxation helps me to remember, even though my life has been challenging at times, there has been and will continue to be success.

I think back to high school. When I was told college was not an option for me because I just didn't have what it takes. That I should be a hair dresser or truck driver. Testing in the top 2% of the country in verbal ability and I'm supposed to drive a truck?

I went to college on my schedule.

Got to college and was told I would not last the first semester, by MY ADVISER.

Graduated with honors, in my program.

Realized I was never going to be able to make the kind of life I wanted with my degree, not that I wasn't skilled or capable enough to do various jobs but the label cast upon me by those considering my degree was always going to put me on the bottom of the list of candidates. So...I returned to school.

Oh, I'm sorry, did we forget to mention there is a MATH REQUIREMENT?
*sigh* fuck

Took the math class, with an instructor who gives < a shit about her students and job and managed to earn a sparkly new F.

Took same class over, very next semester and earned and A-. Screw you lazy teacher.

Now I'm hearing there is no way I will make it into the final portion of my program unless I am rocking a 3.9 or above. I have to tell you, that F and a B- in developmental psych are not making me real happy right now.

I'm pushing middle age and have figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

Once again the higher powers are telling me no. Which means only one thing to me.

"Never...Never...Never...Give Up."

Thank you Mister Churchill, thank you.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Ten AmonaThursday

I mentioned not knowing much about anything in my last post and I still hold to that belief.
However, like Will Smith, my work ethic is bananas and more than likely, you will not out work me.

That being said, again I am at a crossroads in my life.
Minor variations in time and space
Major variations in time and money
Monjor variations of the voices in my head

Which, for the record, have been quieter of late

but...

the self-doubt is creeping back, double time
and to make matters worse
there is not a whole lot of
creativity time to offset
the bookwork and concern...a.k.a.
worry
about money, career, stability

what is love?
baby don't hurt me...

refocus...refocus...refocus...refocus

It's all over...

the one thing that remains constant in my life is, the fact that the more I think I have things figured out, the less this is actually true. figured I would come back here and throw down for a while and the whole damn thing has changed, wtf-EVER. ironically enough, I'm sort of at a loss for words at this point in my life. I finally slew my math giant I mean I really kicked the shit and $4 out of him I got an A- ...never done that before at least in math and now... I am getting my ass beaten like I stole the king's gold by words something I've not had a problemo with before in my life EVER See, cause from a real young age, I learned to read real good and that translated into me being a lover of books and words comprehension and all that other shit that lets "smart people" know, 'your head is for more than keeping your hat off the floor.' and so Im torn, between not quitting the class I am in or sticking with it until the end and almost certainly earn an F ... effed if I do effed if I don't somehow I gotta get off this rock. I hope you all are well. JJ

*sigh*

This weekend I had somewhat of a freak out. I realized in 22 months, I will turn forty.

And so this is forty, and what have you done?
I guess that question bothers me with varying intensity, depending on the day of the week it comes to the front of my mind.
cause realistically, it’s always on my mind
never giving me a break
letting me catch my breath
giving me a chance at believing
things might actually turn out alright
…

someday

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Saturday morning cartoons...

where have you gone?

8:36 AM Saturday
I’m coffee’d , breakfasted and now I’m sitting here trying to come up with a believable reason to not go to the gym. Even though I was up many times urinating last night, there was still plenty of sleep. I’m not too physically tired, it’s more mental and just a general lack of motivation. Which is surprising because over the past few weeks, I’ve really been noticing progress in the mirror, in the way I look in t-shirts and in the way my jeans fit. I imagine my goal of a 36 waist is not that far away. If I keep working like I have been, maybe a month at most.

Being unemployed is really starting to fuck with my head. I think the last time I was this broke, I was 11 and hadn’t started working yet, for my Grandfather or otherwise. It’s not having money to burn that is the worst. What hurts the most is the disconnect I feel with my friends, due to living on the other side of the moon. Not only do I not get to see any of them, but if I do make the effort, the idea that I’ve just purchased my last $2000 tank of gas, ruins any joy I have during the visit. Even hitting the weights does not silence my mind completely. It does a good job of distracting and tiring me out but the incessant voices of self loathing and doubt sometimes seem to be turned up even louder, as if they are trying to compete with the metal blaring from my head phones.

I grabbed about seven job applications yesterday, no place I’d actually want to work but sometimes you have to suck it up and bend over. I am not above this. In my application gathering mission, I was becoming increasingly annoyed with the number of businesses who told me, “We don’t have applications because we’re going paperless.”…and then they would hand me a slip of paper with directions on how to get to their website to fill out an application. Um, guess what? You’re NOT GOING PAPERLESS YOU NITWIT, CAUSE YOU JUST HANDED ME A SLIP OF PAPER!!!

I’ve decided minor muscle fatigue and a case of fat-kid-itis is not going to keep me from the gym today. I’m off to put on my socks and get the hell out of dodge. Gym is only open till one today and I have a lot to get done.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not for the...

faint of heart.

Today was one of those days I just knew I was going to have to write at the end of the day
Not that anything horrible or even memorable happened, it was just a feeling I had.
Like there were demons to be exorcised and thrown out
My body is trying in vain to get back to normal
Normal blood sugar levels, normal sleep patterns
Normal everything
It almost seems pointless
As pointless as me sitting here and typing away
My fingers unfamiliar with the keyboard
Like the whole things is some foreign dance, seemingly impossible to learn
And yet we’ve done it a million times

I was bitten in the ass by nostalgia this week and I’m not sure why
I got all caught up in myself and thoughts of people I haven’t seen in so long
It doesn’t even matter any more because unless there is some huge tragedy
We’ll not see each other again
And that just makes me sad
The only thing that justifies seeing people you care about
Are incidents of death, sorrow and the like
Sure there are weddings and graduations and a christening here and there
but what about actually getting to sit down and speak with those you came to see
at length
to actually be able to talk about more than the weather
how great things used to be
and wouldn’t it be great if we could all go back for
a day
a week
a month

there are days I want nothing more
and then when I really think about it, I’m unsure
would it be as good
would I be as comfortable as I think I am now

we connected
we connected deeply whether you want to admit it or not
and I hope you are happy
I really, really do
cause there are so many parts of me that
hurt so goddamn bad when I think about you
and how fucking wonderful you are
whether you believe it or not
a pain so deep I can’t even cry cause there is no point to it
and I don’t even know anymore if seeing pictures of
you and the children
help or hurt me
but I’m too interested to look away
but too proud to reach out
cause I know you know
how I feel
how I’ve always felt
how I will feel for many years to come
and maybe that feeling is as unsettling to you
as it is to me
but I hope not
cause I want you to be happy
and not tortured by the ghosts
like I am
I wish you wonderfully peaceful days
and nights filled with fitful sleep and amazing dreams

my head hurts so goddamn bad right now and I have no idea if its caffeine, blood sugar, stress
or some Faustian combination of those three things and thinking of you
the one I can’t let go
I’ve tried
I really have and no matter what it is I think I’ve done that works
there is always something there to remind me of the time
when I still had hope
in you
in us
in myself
and right now I barely have any hope left for me
I’ve turned into everything I hated
everything I never wanted to become and was determined
not to become
and then life happened
and no matter how hard I hit back
life hit back twice as hard
and as tough as I am
I can only take so many punches
keep my guard up for so long
before the blows rain down one after another
and though I am conscious of them
I notice no difference in their force
destruction
pain
so now here I am
on the ropes
or in the
corner
wherever life wants
to whip my ass
and my eyes are swollen shut
and my give a damn has been broken since 2004
but the pills
make me numb
so I can’t feel it
so I can go on
so I can take
beating
after
beating
after
beating

…yeah this is much better than being dead
only another 30 or so years of this to look forward to
please God
someone
throw
in
my
towel

I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ

So in about...

seven hours I will be in front of a doctor.

what's is incredible about this is, I will have to tell him/her I've been off all of my medications, diabetic, anti-depressive and other wise, for almost six months.

while I think I've done remarkably well, all things considered, I'm sure Dr. Smartypants is going to look at me like I'm the biggest asshole on the planet. In some case they may be right but, without a job I have no health insurance and I know for a fact that without health insurance, just one of my medications costs $400 a month.

yeah, so I can't even imagine what a month's worth of medication, plus an office visit, plus any other hidden costs I'm sure will be thrown in there, would be. If I had to take a guess, it would be somewhere near the thousand dollar mark. Sad part is I don't even care that I've not been on my meds.

I've been eating right and working out and while I'm sure my A1c is not where it needs to be, I've been feeling pretty good. Today being the exception but I think I'm just stressed, dehydrated and need a break.

yeah I know, "WTF, DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING JOB?!?!?"

while this is true, living in the smallest house in the world, where it is all but impossible to not trip over anyone, even when you are just trying to change your mind, wears on you after a while.

I long for Sunday mornings when both of my parents are out at their weekend jobs, not because I have never loved working on Sunday but it gives me a short reprieve from having them hover over me for eighteen hours a day.

still reading, no writing, not much has changed. Guess I'll get some sleep before the mental ass-kicking I'm going to take later.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Taking a few...

minutes before most boring developmental osych class ever. It's not the Prof's fault, I just could care less about the material and after losing my job, the last thing I want to think about are brains and how they do or do not work. I'm attempting to write this on a mac and the stubby keyboard, with the huge keys are giving me a hard time.

had a few throwdowns with the parents over the past week but things seem to be somewhat cooler now.

finding a job
y
not losing my fucking mind
are priorities now


there has been little to no socialization
and I blame that on
me being lazy
and gas being eleventy billion dollars a gallon
all of which make me not want to drive to the "big city"

just about an hour left before class

suppose I should get some reading done
so I don't get, "smoted".

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

38...

which is about 14 more than 24

at 24 there was less to worry about
at least that's the way it seemed to me

what was going on over the weekend
what girl was I going to talk my self out of kissing
will I have time to eat dinner and get to rehearsal on time

things like that

38 is vastly different

it's like
did I remember to fill prescriptions
did I take prescriptions
where are those damned pills again
how the fuck am I supposed to pay all these bills

when not thinking about the aforementioned
there are always the other thoughts floating in the background
how the hell am I going to pay my student loans off
when the fuck will I be able to move out of my parents basement
How many times do I have to tell them paneling/wall paper are archaic
no one uses that shit anymore

wish in one had and shit in the other
see which one fills up first

at 24 I was so busy
I had no time to listen to
the brutal voices in my head
the peoples opinions I could care less about
bad, bad fucking music

now it seems these are the only things around

Whatever...

at least I still have my library card

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. to the three or so people who didn't forget my birthday, thank you very much.

And he who,,,

forgets

another monochromatic day

not manic, nor panic, just gray and windy and cold
it will be great when spring finally decides to show up
wtf? how does a season/weather pattern call out of work?

another night in the basement
I drank some coffee in the hopes of making progress
in the library books
a week overdue
whatever...

I could study the material for the test I blew off on Tuesday night
I could eat a mountain of goat shit too
both would be equally pleasing and affective

so instead of reading, I watched some Spartacus:GOTA
and now here I am
clackity-clacking out thoughts for all two of you
sometimes I think this blog is so boring, I don't even read it

I bet it bares incredible likeness to the composition pads, notebooks and journals started and left for dead over the years

first song to "work" when I popped open winamp
was, "nothing man" by pearl jam
I had to crack a smile at that,
even if, for lack of anything else,
wonderful irony

next song was, "Where I want to be" by Dangerous Summer
and nothing could be further from the truth
as beautiful of a place as this is
it makes me even more insane
there is little to distract myself from myself
yeah sure, there are plenty of places to go and walk
and look and relax
but all of these activities
let my mind set to wandering
and then Im possessed
by the voices
yelling at me
and asking questions which after almost
forty-fucking-years
I still dont have answers to

can't tell if I'm cold cause my blood sugar is low
or because Im sitting in a fucking concrete basement
and two inches of fresh powder blanket the sea grass
on the front lawn, back yard and
the rest of this, "great island."

april first and new snow
if thats not a kick in the nuts
I have no idea what is
all I know is when the sun shines
and I can get out of the box for a few hours
each day
jimmy feels somewhat better

still get caught up in
the, "I dont have what other people my age have" game
although, now, faster than ever
I'm falling fucking behind
my brother, with his high school diploma
a new three bedroom house
and putting together his own business
and why shouldn't he be successful
he didnt jump through the hoops like
me
he told the hoops to go fuck themselves
and the universe or whatever else is out there
said, "hey buddy, good job on being a crank! Here, have a good life, with our compliments."

it's a bitter pill to swallow
but being who I am
I barely fucking notice
too busy worrying about
whether my next job will be
bagging groceries
shoveling shit
or picking up heavy shit
and putting it down someplace else

suppose I should hit the hay
gotta get enough rest
so as to be able to go to the
gym
at first light
so I can pick heavy shit up
and put it down
in an effort to
keep the fucking
gun out of my mouth

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Joe Rogan...

made me laugh my ass of tonight and it was just what I needed.

even though I was freezing, in my parents basement, with no job to speak of and even less direction in my life, the act of having to stifle my laughter, due to my parents sleeping above me, seemed to make things that much more funny

shit has been unseasonably real for me over the past 6 months

I've lost my job, my health care, my apartment, thank god my car is paid for is all I can say right now. Friends come and go and some when they know you need them most, seem to disappear like ghosts in the daylight

it's kinda tough to finally realize that "you" are the weakest link, the one most likely to train wreck, the fuck-up in your circle of friends. "Not all who wander are lost..." one of my favorite quotes and yet I can't help but feel no matter how bright the lamp in the lighthouse, it will pass me over

life is a fragile thing and sometimes I think sanity even more so. It's taking me more and more to accomplish less and less. seek out the little things, the things that make you smile or laugh or that warm your heart, what do you do when every thing means nothing and the only colors you see are varying shades of gray?

at one time I thought going to school to be a nurse was going to be my salvation, now I have run out of excuses to trick myself into caring. the thought of being in college, classes, labs etc, nauseates me and yet, what is my alternative?

live in my parents fucking basement, hoping for something good to happen? hoping for a miracle, a lottery ticket, the angel of death?

lately i've heard many people speak on how good things are earned through hard work and if you expect positive results, you need to put your nose to the grind stone and really bust your ass

Yeah, cause i've never done any of that...

*curse this consciousness and this life*

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

High Caloric

I've never been one of those people who is uber concerned with counting crows, blue cars or calories, even when I was, "supposed to." However, since embarking on my renewed fitness regime, I noticed the old gray jackass ain't what he used to be and therefore, maybe we should start paying a little more attention to detail.

I had originally set a goal for myself of being a 36inch waist by my birthday. While I've made considerable progress, it's going to take ebola or an act of God for me to get to 36 by the dead line. While somewhat dissapointed with not achieving said goal...yet, I decided to look harder into what I'm eating.

Long and boring story short: large eggs all the way! Fuck jumbo eggs and the busted asses of the chickens who lay them. calorically large eggs just make better sense. I have seen no difference in cooking between the two, other than jumbo takes up more of the pan. Plus for me, it's hard to fool the stomach with the eyes. I can look at my 3 large egg breakfast and say, "Holy Shit, I just ate three eggs, what a fat-ass, time to hit the gym!" When I look at my two jumbo egg breakfast I say,"HTF is it that you guys are double in calories, don't take up as much space as your smaller bretheren and leave me wondering if the sense of being full varies at all" MR. JUMBO effin' EGG?

either way I end up going to the gym and doing something until I turn into a heaving, hump n' grunting, sweating like a hog of humanity inhumanoid. Come home shower, repeat do it again.

Anywho, today I'm going to have a long awaited coffee chat with Ink Buddy. As Aaron Lewis from Staind would say, "It's been awhile..." and I'm sure we both have a ton to talk about.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

adrift

as I drove out past Anawan Cliffs, I knew with an aire of certainty, I would become hopelessly lost at some point. well as luck would have it, the force was strong in this one and not only did I NOT get lost, but I was able to come back in a way to be able to hit the "cheaper" gas station on my return home.

started the night after dinner, at the library, walking the stacks in relative peace and quiet but for the voices in my head and the troop of girl scouts arraning their next cookie social and trying to figure out how to keep more of the public from finding out they are outsourcing production of their uniforms to China. Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.

Decent workout today but rotator cuff is still messed up. I was however able to get a good bicept workout in. Something is better than nothing. I figure another couple of weeks and I should be right as rain.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

When it rains...

it poors...

HK check your smumail...

Is this thing on? Man, I just want five seconds where I don’t have to think about: not being able to walk, losing my job, whether or not my medical leave will actually be approved, whether or not the hr rep is actually communicating with anyone else at my job, and the list goes on and on. I called and made about thirteen doctor’s appointments today. Endocrinologist, Podiatrist, General Practitioner....

WTF

About 15 minutes ago, my boss called me twice. My voicemail is full, he can’t leave me a message and to be honest, I have zero interest in speaking with him. I mean, I am out on leave, obviously something is seriously wrong with me that I’m not able to come to work.

Lots of clenching my jaw and headaches going on right now. I’m going to have to bite the bullet and just call him, for my own piece of mind, to make sure he has not decided to take the forces of evil into his own hands and try to get me fired/let go on his own power/authority/etc...

I FUCKING HATE THIS!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I went with Fightstar...

today has been tough

my blood sugar was somewhat high to begin with this morning
and has been creeping its way down steadily...but slowly
to say I'm frustrated
hungry
and fucking tired of going to the gd bathroom
would be the understatement of the year right now

at least I was able to get a hold of the HR department at work
as of right now
I am on a medical leave of absence
so even though
I am somewhat crippled
I will have a job to go back to
which is somewhat of a weight
off of my mind

even though not being able to do
jack-shit
besides
read
sleep
eat
and put my foot up
is nice
I can think of about eleventy-billion other things I would rather do than
convalesce

time to make another trip to the bathroom
and maybe read for a while
...yay...

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Frustrating to say the least...

life on planet insulin was great up until this am. Woke up with a familiar, yet not so familiar feeling...
cotton-mouth and a pounding head-ache

as I had not ripped bong hits, nor drank beer like they were never going to make it again last night
I knew something was rotten in Denmark
check the bg level
180
WTF...FML...

now for those of you not in the know, 180 is not terrible, but it's not great
I've had waaaaaaay worse numbers before, not to brag
it just put a little damper on the beginning of my day
even more so after I took my meds, and checked 2 hours later
and I was only down to
170
WTFF!

so part of me thinks I'm moving back onto planet hungry
another part of me just thinks my body is being stubborn
we shall see who is right sooner, rather than later I hope

big plans for this afternoon include taking a shower
calling work
and maybe reading some

...can't get much more exciting than this...


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

I'm Calling Bullshit...

on everything I'm about to say so, here is my disclaimer.

even though my life is mostly an open book, here on the old bloggerooni
there are some things I choose not to share with everyone
"What might those things be", you ask?

well its not the fact that I get less ass than a freshman chess team geek
with a bad case of blackheads
and a peg leg

or

the fact I've an unabashed love of bad music (fightstar, less than jake, owl city)

or the fact sometimes I think the voices inside my head, as well as my depression will be the end of me...

BUT

It could very well be my personal struggle with diabetes...

It's not something I mention here often
just cause I know how much I hate whining
so why would I subject you to it

Recently I was hospitalized for the second time in eight months
due to complications from my diabetes
I would like to say everything was going swimmingly before that
but I don't lie here so why start now

after my first hospitalization, one in which the skin on the bottom front of my foot fell off
I was back on the straight and narrow
diet
exercise
checking my blood sugar all the time

and then as it usually does
life got in the way
and I stopped testing my blood sugar
and due to working so much overtime
there was no time, nor energy to get to the gym
and my diet suffered, even beyond eating outside of what I know my diet to be

and again

I ended up in the emergency room of the local hospital on a Saturday night
with a foot that looked angrier than hell at me
and thoughts of amputation and such running through my head...

That's some tough shit to have to prep yourself for
especially at 37
especially when it is all preventable
especially when there was no one to point the finger at except myself

gratefully
I have the best podiatrist/podiatric surgeon on the planet
and minor surgery and iv antibiotics
fixed everything
well almost
see I have to go back to follow up tomorrow
and all has been well since then, besides being out of work, there have been no complaints from me

the biggest things I've taken away from this whole ordeal are these
you don't get an endless supply of "warning shots"
I am OLD and this means I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
I have the best family on the planet

During the course of the ordeal meds were switched around
changed, some eliminated altogether
I'm now on insulin

yep...I'm on the needle
once a day

for a guy who hates taking medication this is huge
and to be honest when they told me I was going to have to start shooting insulin, I was not sure how I felt about the whole situation
I mean it's not painful, but it is a pain in the ass and moreover, I STILL HATE TAKING MEDS
but since making the switch, my blood sugars have been great
I have felt better, I'm healing relatively well and the biggest change for me has been the ability to eat

When I was only on oral medication I was starving all the time. Literally walking around counting the minutes until the next time I could eat again
in some ways, that's like being in prison

There were days when I returned from the gym, after having worked out for and hour and a half, I would not be able to snack cause my sugar was, "just about where it should be..." which is fine & dandy but try going all day on little to no food. Trying to distract yourself/lie to yourself constantly that you're not hungry gets really old real quick. Now that I'm on the needle, I'm able to eat and feel full again.
I know what you are thinking...

"It's right back to pizzas & candy bars for this guy"

but it hasn't been bad at all
I eat
I feel satisfied
I go on with my day

I'm really interested to see how this will interact with my working out
once I am able to start up again
maybe there will be some wiggle room for cheats
but I'm not worried about that right now
and neither should you be ;)

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

the past ten or so days have been som...

the past ten or so days have been somewhat trying.

 

At this point last week, I was enjoying my first full day in the hospital

as much as one can enjoy their time in the hospital

 

I had a hunch when I drove myself to the ER, I would be staying

so I packed a bag with the essentials

extra drawers

shorts

t-shirt

phone & charger

ipod & charger

NDS & charger

 

and of course my own personal assortment of toiletries

cause to be honest, that nonsense they give you to wash

up with in the hospital

is just plain nonsense

 

 

So I spent my time on the IV

taking pills

taking more pills

being hooked up to more IVS

and generally lamenting the fact I had to 

sit on my ass and burn precious sick time

 

but I am fortunate in the fact I did not need to have anything 

removed

or scraped or trimmed etc.,

yet another warning shot across my bow

but life has changed somewhat

as I am, "on the needle" now

and as far as I can tell, things seem to be going well

 

but again its an adjustment 

and its hard 

and not in a good way

my dad is right

when you have diabetes

you have to keep your mind occupied at all times 

cause honestly idle hand DO the Devil's work 

even if that work is only a sammich

 

Cause you can rationalize yourself out of a piece of carrot cake/bowl of ice cream/candy bar

but to say no to a turkey & cheese sandwich 

when your stomach is YELLING at you

that my friend is a completely different  story

 

So...I read and write and listen to podcasts 

and game 

and facebook

and dream of being able to work and work out again

can't rush things though

one day at a time

full steam ahead

 

 

I hope you all are well.

 

Cheers, 

JJ
 

The High Seas...

at some point we all become lost

maybe its misguided or maybe or lack of direction is our own
at any rate, once again I'm fucking lost and looking to right the ship
turn it around
find the north star and sail on until morning

cause in reality things are not really that screwed up
I mean I have my family
and friends
I'm relatively healthy
and I don't go to bed hungry every night
far from it

so to be all down in the dumps and in despair is
well
just
foolish

for a while I thought the change in my mood was due to
my decision to
stop the prozac
but i'm back on the prozac
and though I feel somewhat better
things are not as they should be
so I have to work that much harder to get back to
day one

I'm ok with that
I can do that on my own
and be ok
cos honestly, I'm one of the
toughest
most resilient people
I know
and you can do and say whatever you want
but regardless of anything I've said then or now
you're still just a fucking blink in the time of my life
and I know you're not the only blink but if
you happen to be the last blink before
these tired eyes close
I'm ok with that

cos right or wrong
I've lived my life on the ropes
and I've never been knocked to the canvas
I can take anything and everything thrown at me
and just hitting these keys like punches thrown at me
I'm feeling better already
like the wheel is spinning
turning the ship around
finding that star
a course set
sailing straight on until morning

soon my light will rise





I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

On the ropes...

it was a long, long night at work

got in over three hours ago
just frustrated
brutalized
not giving a fuck

been off the prozac for like two weeks
thought things were going well
I feel fine
but
looking around, taking in my surroundings
things are not as they should be

so

some adjustments need to be made

and in the morning
no matter how tired I am
there will be
blood
sweat
and tears

and then I will come home
shower
and kick-start my motivation
again

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

instant ='s yucky!

sometimes decaf just makes sense.

Right now is one of those times. I don't feel tired at all, have had two cups of coffee earlier in the day, and I'm hoping it's getting close to bedtime for me. Still, I want to write and often when writing, there is nothing like a cup of good coffee. Unfortunately for me, good coffee means brewing a pot, which means caffeinated coffee, cause really, who actually buys decaf beans?

I've been a grind and brew my own guy for awhile and the difference is not such that I can no longer enjoy “fast food coffee” but drinking shit, and paying to drink shit, just doesn't seem to make much cents to me... See what I did there? Of course you did, you're so smart!

tonight has been filled with nostalgia. I've been listening to music from the 90's, stuff I either heard to and from one of the awful fucking jobs I had or things that were either the soundtracks of dorm room conversations or even possibly bar room anthems. At any rate normally my nostalgia is accompanied by somewhat of a sense of sadness, loss or ennui.

Tonight there was none of that. I listened to music that reminded me of people and places who have helped make me who I am today. I've taken something from everyone I've met and all the places I've gone. I hope in most cases, I was able to give something back as well. You see, I like to think of myself as a giver.

Note to self: decaf coffee crystals are awful!

Lot of work coming up in the next few days. Can't say I'm looking forward to it either. Today is really my only day off this week and as far as accomplishing anything, I can't really say I got anything done. However, I have come back here, a place I've been neglecting, and to sit down and just bang out a post about what seems to be the boring minutia which makes up my life, just feels good and right. I did jack russell shit today. Watched Inglorious Bastards and oddly enough liked it. I don't normally care for Tarantino but found this film enjoyable.

Tomorrow, with my ipod being up and running again, it's time to head back to the gym in the am. Gotta get a good sweat & burn on early in the morning. Then it's shower, cook something and go to work. Hopefully there will not be time to run to home depot, staples and bed bath & beyond, as those are activities for people over 30, who enjoy being lame...oh wait, that could very well be me.

time to dump this dreck in the sink and go read a zombie book.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Wanna know what...

what the last two things I thought before falling asleep were?

how the fuck am I going to wake up for 6am? & I bet being a garbage man is a pretty sweet gig.

first off, when you snap awake at 3:12am, like you know its the end of the world, getting up for work is
pretty low on your list of priorities. Unfortunately, falling back to sleep is also a bit challenging.
fortunately for me, I have several tried and true methods, all of which failed me last night.

so there is the issue of having to work a 16 hour shift on about three hours and twelve minutes sleep
and that my friends
just flat out sucks
to speak plainly
but
we're made of tough stuff here at Jackass Headquarters
and with any luck I won't kill or permanently maim anyone today

oh yeah
the garbage man gig
like seriously
usually, the gmen
are well compensated
don't have to listen to the trash talk back
and in some cases
work on their own
in trucks which pick up the trash for them

which would seem to me to be
pretty close to the perfect gig

if there is such a thing

cause when you don't have to worry about
all that other nonsense
it frees your mind and soul
to do other things
like sing a happy song
or
put time and thought into
other things
like
that book you want to
read or write
taking your dog for a walk
and even
how sweet the love
you are going to make
to your love
is actually going to be

but I just finished my coffee
so the only thing on my mind
is
Aw fuck...I gotta go to work.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Bought a new belt...

In my business I see two kinds of people.

well maybe it's not as cut and dry as that but, most of the time it sure does feel that way.

there are those who can't help themselves and those who won't.

its hard for me to give a shit about the ones who won't help themselves because, to me, it just reinforces the time tested adage of, "you can lead a horse to water but, you can't make him think..." my co-workers and I offer a ton of direction and positive advice. however, more often than not, it falls on deaf ears. I get it, I'm not going to save everyone, nor should everyone be saved. I think Darwin would agree with me there. However, it would be a much needed shot in the arm, pat on the back etc,. to see something good happen once in a while.

im sure there are those of you who think I'm a bit, cold or unfeeling. In my business you almost have to learn to disconnect somewhat. if not, you'll be eaten alive, one way or the other.

its the ones who can't help themselves i'm haunted by. those are the ones I actually sometimes think about after my feet walk out the back door and i'm freed of work responsibilities. especially those who recognize their own shortcomings, to have someone verbalize to you that, "they hate themselves for being so crazy..." and deep down, you know they are indeed crazy, how does your heart not hurt just a little? we all carry a burden of some kind, a skeleton or two in our closets, but to know you are just not the same mentally, for whatever reason as the other members of society, "deemed fit to care for themselves, " that has to be a little fucked up.

with that, I need to eat and shower before another day of the grind. be grateful for your health, as relative as that may be. let those in your life know how much you appreciate them. live the life you dream about living.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The Wonderful Future...

Hey 2010, where the fuck is my flying car?

Why can't I shower and dress like George Jetson?

let's not be a big fucking disappointment like oh nine.

at any rate

I've been up for just over two hours
early on a day off
bed made
coffee made
shoveling done
load of laundry done
breakfast eaten
wtf

thats what I get for not being able to sleep
not really sure what the cause of that was
but Im going to go with too much caffeine
definitely going to cut back on the coffee intake today
maybe not take the green tea tabs at dinner either
yes I got shit done
but paid a heavy price

glad the shoveling is out of the way
but I really wanted to go to the gym this am
as I was shoveling I could could hear
people in warmer climates
giggling as they completed lengthy
periods of beauty sleep

...and she wants me to move back to the midwest...

I'd have to be on crack rock

I want sunshine and palm trees
hot summers and with the possibility
of a shoreline breeze
baseball games on the weekend
thunderstorms to lull me to sleep
none of this
“were expecting a high of 60 today”
in the middle of june

I was fucking crazy last night
like manic
even for me
took a lot for me to pass out
though I didn't use the melatonin
should have
maybe would have slept better
six of one, half a dozen of the other

with my luck I would have slept past noon
missed the gym
missed the morning
and would have woken to
having to shovel
a foot and a half of snow
at least this way its all done
and even if there needs to be a touch up job
its not like Im going to be postal doing it

maybe I will even get to the gym today
either way

I hope you all are well.

Happy New Year & Cheers,
JJ

Yakkity Yak...

I sit here and try and bang it out
there is no more coffee to drink before the cup goes cold
only a few hours left before work
another night filled with bullshit and frustration
it's time to look for another job
it's been time for several years
however
it's really fucking time to start looking now

you would think I would have more to write about
more to say
having just come from a 5 day stint in the hospital
but all I really have to say is,
“Sure as hell don't want to do that again.”

Learning experiences are great but you don't need to have them all at once.

been on the prozac awhile
I don't feel all that different
but everyone and their brother seem to think
I've made marked improvement

this is a good thing...I guess
not going to lie
tired of taking pills and feeling like
my life is not in my own control
but that's a big reason why
I was in the mess I was in two weeks ago

gotta work hard
do more, be more
this will reduce my
dependence on pills

one step at a time

this post sucks
but like I said
there really is
not much to say

so I sit here
going through
the motions
listening to the music
hoping for inspiration
that gift from on high
giving me the added lift
I'm going to need to get through the day


I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Rochambeau...

its 8-fucking thirty and there is no fucking going on

the biggest decision Ive made today is
which convenience store was going to
sell me dinner
wonderful...
I
know

no fucking, no dinner
at least not yet
dinner will consist of
vegetable soup
a turkey sandwich: served in a whole wheat tortilla
with
artichoke & spinach hummus
and american cheese
and
a delicious diet dr. pepper, 2009
a very good vintage
or at least that's what I was told

not feeling lonely
or alone
but almost like
I've run out of friends
or that
my life has taken a turn
towards full on mundane
and in addition
I've unknowingly taken up
residence on the moon

so many ways to keep in contact
email
twitter
facebook
IM
cellphone
landline
motherfucking skywriting
and part of me feels
like
no one will
answer no matter
how loud I yell

electric ladyland
providing brief reprieve
from
ho humming myself to sleep
wishing for time machine
or maybe just
a
lobotomy
so I can be happy
knowing I have a full belly
wearing pants that fit
without having to ask permission
to go to the bathroom

I want you to update
and you
and you too
to communicate
to admit to people
feelings & emotions
have not gone the way of the buffalo
or VHS
or dial up connections

to be more than
a fucking abercrombie/walmart/chevy/beer commercial
to want more
than everything being
force fed down our
throats
to
grab a warm drink
on a cold night
in a comfy sweatshirt
hold hands with someone
and watch a clear fall
night sky

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The Wayback Machine...

when I was a young boy, young like
four years-old, not like my mid twenties
my parents, grandparents and various other family
would give me books that came with a play along cassette tape
yeah, I said cassette tape
I'm that old

anyway...

these books on tape, I think put out by Superscope
not only fostered and helped grow my love of reading
but also helped me to not hear the voices in my head
even at such a young age

in my teen years
I fell asleep to the white noise of am/fm radio
or whatever music I was listening to at the time
or quite possibly...I could have passed out
from the sheer exhaustion of high school
and later on, working 90+hours a week

when I eventually got to college
I was fortunate enough to have a roommate
who could not fall asleep unless
“Dark Side of the Moon” was on repeat
I swear I learned the lyrics to that disc by osmosis

when I had my own room
it was other stuff
jazz
instrumental
gregorian chant
whatever I could find to
expand my mind and be enough of a distraction
to get to sleep

and here I am
at thirty-something
still in need of silence
be it mental or otherwise
so I go to bed
with headphones on

and I'm drawn back to my childhood
'cause I'm still listening
stories
books via mp3
podcasts
still needing that voice
reassuring me things will be ok
that I can go to bed
get rest

that I've done a good job
and deserve to rest for the day
be it for an hour or four
or on the odd night twelve

I've tried going to sleep sans headphones
failed attempts on more nights than not
make me wonder how I'm
ever going to
fall asleep in
the big boy bed
should I ever be tall enough
to climb up...in...and under the covers

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Hot Coffee...

I”m trying to get in touch with my inner dork this morning.

We've lost contact over the past year or so
it's time to reconnect
there is
a cup of coffee
the clackity-clack of the keyboard
and of course
my first love
music

without it...well my life would probably seem
less dramatic
but at any rate, I'm rediscovering great bands
long forgotten

as I sit here and pound out this post
“left and leaving” by The Weakerthans
is haunting both iTunes and me
such a great disc from a phenomenal band
no more

Isn't that always the way?

I started tearing my bathroom up this weekend
which is pretty freaking hilarious as
I am totally not the, “This Old House” type
but when you hate where you live
and have some extra time on your hands
maybe experience really is the best teacher
at least
“that's what she said...”

wanted to take “before & after” photos
but of course, my digital camer decides to break
as I am about to go to work
so there is something else I can spend money on
at least I will be getting something with way more megapixels
than the last one I had
just a point and shoot...nothing to fancy

it's officially fall and we all know what that means for this guy
the beginning of seasonal depression
I'm hoping the lack of a real summer will either
help ease the symptoms of my seasonal depression
or maybe PLEASE GOD it will pass over me
if I nail my copies of my cure cds to my front door
perhaps the angel of sadness will not stop at my house

he says as he listens to, “The Weakerthans...”

music that makes me think of specific times, places and people
a long weekend in Duluth
when my body didn't creak and grown like this old house
and her red hair and mischievous smile were a common sight
ah nostalgia!

To be honest I don't even feel very sad
and I won't even attach a yet, yet
maybe it's cause I'm too mired in anger and frustration
maybe my mind and body and soul are too tired
maybe it's another thing I've out grown

like asthma
not sleeping all weekend
and tinker toys

Have a great day. I'm going to try to.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Mayday Mayday

Things here in the Ocean State are pretty much S.O.S

Paul E. Parker's post from ProJo.com sheds some light on the seemingly never ending economic decline we're in.

While I don't claim to have the answers to fix this problem or any answers at all for that matter, what I do know is blame storming those out of work, as well as those trying to find work, is pointless.
Speaking as someone with a full time job, trying to pursue an education, kicking those who are down is not going to motivate anyone to try and better their situation. If anything it's going to drive more people to feel even more entitled to, “Suck up more of your free tax dollars.” Let's look at facts. 1. Rhode Island and the Northeast have historically been hardest hit by any type of local/national economic crisis. Moreover, we are also the last nationally to pull out of the aforementioned hardships. 2. The national economy is in disarray, (not that this is a surprise) with no forecast of improvement. 3. The lack of good jobs, not great jobs, jobs that pay a livable wage and offer some reasonable health benefits, make playing the powerball seem like a more worthwhile opportunity.

So, before all of you, “hard workers, self-made men and women and those more fortunate than the rest of us” start bad mouthing those trying to keep off of skid row, why don't you take a minute to be grateful for all you have. Count all of your fucking money, access to good, affordable health care, nutritious food, and a warm, clean, safe place to sleep at night and shut the fuck up!

The early bird...

Don't worry Mom, someday I'll get to bed before 3am. I just don't see that time coming soon.

Last night was sufficiently terrible at work
long...long...long night
the kind where you get out and realize
there was not time
to
eat..shit...or breathe

not that anyone should do all of those things at the same time
but I do recommend breathing as much as possible
so I got out
went to the 24 drug store
cause I needed a Diet Dr. Pepper like whoa
realized I was starving having not eaten since
lunch
like 4 slices of chicken breast, horseradish sauce, american cheese, low carb wrap
so at 11:45
it wasn't delivery, it was DiGiorno

I was amped someone has finally made a pizza you can microwave vs. bake
since I have been hinky about using the oven, almost burning the house down
making nachos 2 summers ago
who knew tortilla chips had such a low flash-point
...
came home
pizza
DDP
season premier of Fringe via hulu
Jeebus I love me some hulu
then bed
lulled to sleep by the sweet sounds of Hearing Voices podcast
I also love me some podcasts and NPR

woke up not four hours after laying down
bathroom
change of clothes
log on
jack in
get the news for the day

I really could give a shit about pop culture
not even anywhere near the music snob / fan
I once was
maybe I am getting old and curmudgeonly
I must be, since I can spell that word

here we are at Monday, actually my Tuesday
and all I can think about is where the hell did my weekend go
and why was there not more fun involved?

but a good amount of good work got done
so I guess there was a bright spot in my universe
hopefully this will be the start of yet another prosperous period in my life
jeebus knows, I could use it.

starting with a new shrink this Thursday
not sure how I feel
I mean, obviously I'm for it
as I am still going
I just hope he's not one of these pill-pushing jackasses
otherwise this is going to be over faster than
Tara Reid's “serious” acting career

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Batten down the...

hatches.

I cant help but feel an overwhelming sadness
not like, “Oh poor fucking me...” sadness
just a general, “here comes the rain again” sadness
one I've been through before
have weathered
and am sure I will go through in the not so distant future

Could be the time of year
the change of season
lack of sunlight
or just some wackiness
involving the chemicals in my brain
but from now to about mid-January
the emotional roller coaster
is non-stop

I suppose there are drugs
but in all reality
I've taken what I've taken
and I really don't feel like
they make me any better
in fact, if anything else there is an increased inability to be creative
and I sure as hell don't want to be making
anyone rich from making me miserable

3:18 in the am and the valerian root
can't kick in fast enough
I want to sleep
to dream
to forget
not be aware
of this hell my life has become

no more tests
trials
tribulations
or whatever
just peace
and quiet
and solitude


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Just in case...

you are wondering, the world will end on a Thursday.

How do I know, you ask? It's really simple to be honest, my work week ends on Thursday. Therefore, in order for me to get to my weekend, I would have to survive the impending end of the world, apocalypse, whateveryouwanttocallit to get to the weekend.

If you know me, as some of you do, that shit just won't happen, cause it's the end of motherfuckin time and when the clock runs out... shit, it's game over!

Oddly enough tonight at work went by quickly, but it was hairy at times.

I'm not getting into specifics here cause well, that's just fucking boring but let's say there were flashing lights, police and maybe an ambulance or two.

After it all, I came home and all I wanted was a delicious snack, a cold shower and someone to play with my hair as I fall asleep. The shower was fucking fabulous, as for the rest of that shit, supposedly its still on it's way. The purchase order said the order will be filled by one: Claus, Santa, whoever the fuck that is?

It's 4am and while I would love to be asleep, something is keeping me awake. I know I have a ton of shit to do later on, stuff that just flat out needs to get done.

A LIST! I NEED TO MAKE A LIST TODAY.

bank
doctor
hair cut
phone calls
bunch of other stuff

with any luck, I'll get it all done and then some

Need to get some shut eye

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Today was kind...

of a wash.

Woke up with just enough time to
bang down some protein
put on work out gear
and drive

got to the gym ten minutes
before spin
put shoes on
stretch
fucking spin is cancelled

...

all dressed up and nowhere to go

...

I guess I could have stayed at the gym
worked out
throw some iron around
but it just seemed to make more
sense to leave and try and knock off
a few of the 247,832 thing to do
on my "get it done" list

so off I drove
back home
in a mere two and a half minutes
spin shoes off
lawn mowing shoes on
in heat similar to that of spin class
and Oh Yes, there was sweating done.

The grass got cut
and I felt like I had somewhat
of a workout
cause if you were as sweaty as I was
and didn't workout
or
get some of that sweet, sweet lovin'
I keep hearing the kids talking about
then get thee to a doctor
cause you gone die!

shower
attempted to get faux hawk
to short
maybe next week

I'm sitting here banging the keys
and a slight breeze blows in from the back yard carrying with it the scent of maple syrup or at least that's what my brain processes it as, which makes me think of oatmeal and cold winter mornings before school, which, is odd since I don't think I ever ate breakfast in the AM much after grade eight, and now I eat oatmeal all the time, regardless of the weather, because it is good for you

food seems like
a necessity and a good idea
chicken parm, maybe eggplant
maybe tuna and hot sauce
I'm not sure what dinner is going to bring

however
I do know there will
be stretching and ab work
and road work
yes that's right bitches
this guy is going to do some of what is known as jogging
its that time
and I've got
a
number
to
reach.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Sometimes...

you get presented with gifts
that
for whatever reason
you swear can't be real

things beyond your wildest
dreams
prayers
imaginations

things you're sure
belong to someone else
so you try to give them back
to
put them back
where ever you think they
belong

and yet
they come back to you
even though you don't believe
and you have to think
the devil or whomever
is fucking with you

because you want to
feel
touch
taste
smell
hear
revel
in the victory, so bad it's killing you

something so uncommon
you don't know what to do with it
so you panic
and hold on tighter than ever before
trying not to choke the life
out of your gift

and finally just when
you are in the throes of despair
and have lost all hope
she says, "I'm not going anywhere"

gasping that first breath above
the surface you realize
it's going to be ok
and to just breathe
and live one day at a time



I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Shift....

Strange things are a foot

by the grace of the internet I've been reconnected
with someone I never in a million years
thought I would see or hear from
ever again

at first I wasn't sure how to feel about it
over time
it has grown on me
and I dare say, it's probably the best thing
to happen to me in the last five years
if not in my life

thats not to say there is not a ton of
bullshits and frustration in my life
there are still
broken water heaters, refrigerators
and bills aplenty to be paid

but now there also are
late night conversations
filled with “what ifs”
and “let's make plans to”
which is new ground
uncharted territory
so to speak

and I have to admit
even though the butterflies
still have a home in my stomach
I smile a little more each night
before I fall asleep

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Happy You're in love...

yo

I'm listening to Frou Frou
and typing the hey nonny-nonny
things continue to be the bullshits
but I guess its ok cause its summer
or at least thats what they tell me
someone should call Al Gore
and tell him to not be so hard on the Sun
cause that fucker is feeling so bad about himself
he might not come around until Rocktober
then whats the point

brother gets married this weekend
muy excited for him
and her
mostly for them
and my parents
someone should be able to provide
them with grandchildren

not this guy

I have a hard enough time dressing myself
solving for x
and getting up on time
let alone
being in charge of another living being

not that I don't have plenty of love to give
cause I sure do
I sure do...but in the grand scheme of things
I want to have me on the straight and narrow
or at least not clipping coupons and eating
noodles 6 meals a week
having to decide between school tuition
or a gym membership

or maybe that other thing

whatever or whoever that may be

the one I think about on any day ending in Y
the one I listen to from Mon to Thursday with
the one I want to sit back and
jaw jack with
sip cocktails with
laugh from Friday night
til
Sunday morn with

or maybe I'll just take a dump and go to bed

ugly time comes early and I'm working a double

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

seriously...

it's 3:10 am on Saturday morning and because I'm sitting here
waiting for my virtual grapes to be ready to harvest
yeah, you heard me right...virtual grapes
the excitement in my life has skyrocketed
to a Friday night spent virtual farming

to be completely fair
I was up early today
went to the gym and probably worked a little to hard
went for green tea with “the w”
and then went to work for a training
again on my day off

so even though my day was not action packed
I did get stuff done
while going places
and taking care of business

still
its not all its cracked up to be
I'm sore in places I don't think should be sore
like my neck
then again, that can just be work related stress

fuck work
thank God the economy is so bad
otherwise I would have to spend free time
looking for a job
eff that

the only things I hate more than work are
looking for a job and
moving
I can't decide in what order those would fall
but I still hate them.

in other news...

my brother gets married next weekend
I am nervous and excited all at the same time
best man duties have been bestowed upon me
and while I am honored and relieved
there are parts of me wound unbelievably tight with stress

but I'll get through it
just call me grace
like “grace under pressure”
or clutch
some of you know how I tend to excel
when the 11th hour draws near

virtual harvest completed
new crop replanted
time to grab some zzzz
ugly time comes soon

I hope you all are well

Cheers,
JJ

GROW GODDAMN YOU...

I'm sitting here in a space that smells like burnt microwave popcorn.

*sigh*

that fucking smell takes forever to leave
to be honest, I don't even remember when I last burn microcorn
but I do watch a great deal of movies
so it might actually not be that long ago

I'm sitting here clackity-clacking
waiting for my virtual grapes
to be ready to harvest
I know...I know...
it doesn't get much more exciting than this
and why am I still single again?

whatever

decent weather is almost consistent here
so thats one in the plus column
been working out regularly
feel good
look better
need to keep going

car is fucked
like Im done with it
soon as I have some money
going to see if I can get
a toyota yaris hbx
if for nothing else just to have reliable transport
to school
fuck work...I can walk to that nonsense

latest audio addiction is fightstar
english post hard core...whateverthefuck
that means
hum was posthardcore/math rock
these guys sound completely different
but I like them

thank you emusic.com

drinking crystal light
pomegranate lemonade
its got shit in it
to help your skin
we all know how much I need that
bf of a friend codenamed this libation
codename delicious
funny and true

brother gets married in less
than
a
month

*bangs head on desk*

color me frustrated
if I were a crayon
Id be failure
not really
but its starting to feel
like that more and more
damn you depression
need to hit the eliptical
hard later on in the am
therefore
I need to go to bed

I hope you all are well

Cheers,
JJ

Yes...

I'm even hungry enough that I would eat a gas station sandwich. However I think a trip to the local market is in order.

I hope you all are well,

JJ

By the power of Greyskull...

I managed to make it to another weekend

I'm also grateful the weather decided to hold out for me, even if it is only for today.

I'll be heading to the gym shortly to get my sweat n' grunt on
gotta try and make it through one more day
another day of self improvement
get myself out of this funk
success starts with day one
and it seems to always be day one

still haven't finished that book I've been telling you about
maybe today
depends on if I have time to get out in the yard and sit
maybe after the grass is cut
sounds like a whole lot of maybe going on
story of my life

I'm loving anything by Imogen Heap right now
she's a singer/songwriter
in case you were wondering why
you weren't finding her on the shelves
at your local booketeria

light breeze just blew in the window
kind of nudging me
“hey...fat kid...let's go”
time to finish my coffee
head to the gym
get ugly
and live my life

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Over & Over...

I'm getting headaches
tension...anxiety...maybe anxsion
either way they can go fuck themselves
cause I know they are work related, driven by work, caused by having to
show at a place that makes me crazy
but I know I have to endure cause I need
health insurance and otherwise I will
shrivel up and die

or

at
least that is what
I
have been made to believe


so...yeah, newsflash: the economy is in the shitter
everyone and their brother is out of work
and if you are lucky enough to still have job
your employer holds it to your head, asking
“do you feel lucky punk?”

I like what I do
I'm very good at what I do
but there is only so much weight you can pile on the camel
before the camel tells you, “go fuck yourself...”

right now I'm trying to clear the dust out of my mouth
forcing facial muscles to form words
trying to catch enough breath
to push them out of my lungs

In other news...

writing class starts this week
not sure why I'm doing this
the only person I write for is me
in notebooks
journals
sometimes here on this blog

my fucking head is killing me
time to crunch down some:
melatonin, DDP & call it a day

I hope you all are well.


Cheers,
JJ

Bullshit Weather Report...

It's 7:23 in the morning
I've been up almost an hour
went to sleep way to late last night
at least my brain & body feel that way

started the day off with an,”Oh shit...” moment
1 and ½ to 2 tablespoons of coffee per 8 ounces of water
for a cup
not 8 tablespoons and 16 ounces of water

never have been able to get the whole, “math thing”

I dwnldd, “A Positive Rage” by The Hold Steady the other day
really want to listen to it but I know I'm not in the right frame of mind
at least not yet
no coffee, no breakfast, no gym, no Hold Steady...at least not yet

So I substitute
Husker Du's, “Candy Apple Grey”
which seems appropriate
as I look out the window to see the weather not cooperating again

c'est la vie

what else is new right?

first couple of sips of coffee down, things will be alright
I concede...I give...I'm old
at least I feel it
I long for the days of 19 when 4 hrs of sleep was as good as
8 or ten
but not quite as good as the debut album by pearl jam
though some would argue with me
thats fine
many pj songs stand the test of time

I'm fighting the urge to go back to bed/take a nap/get unconcscious in my recliner
spell check just told me I spelled unconscious wrong and I can't figure it out
better luck next time I guess
need to go to the gym and get ugly
I mean like disgustingly sweaty
gross
to the point where I wonder if it's my own ass I'm smelling
burn some fat
burn the candle at both ends

I'm in the middle of a good book
a memoir
seem to be on a non fiction kick
tell you about it when I'm done

probably have more to say
but can't untangle it all
not right now
so I leave it to you

I hope you all are well...

Cheers,
JJ

Here We Go Again...

I know i've spoken about the wonder which is Pandora so I will leave it be
but just so you know, it's kicking my ass right now...in a good way.

I had today off and I guess I was tired cause I ended up sleeping late
obscenely late
like so late I'm embarrassed to say how late here
but since I wasted most of the day unconscious, I opted not to attend a training today
so I'm not one step closer to a raise my place of employment neither wants, nor is able to give
me

Reef called and asked me to come over and hang out
since we haven't seen each other since Abe Lincoln was voted captain of his high school debate team
I drove over
she made me a steak with Montreal seasoning
there was wine
I opted out since
I'm in training

We talked of work, our current economic situations, the lack of love in our lives
she recommended some glasses of wine
again I refrained, for fear I would turn into a weepy mess
not from sadness but frustration
I'm just back from being laid off
I don't want / need to go there again

Tomorrow we have the company, “welcome spring” party
Reef revp'd for me without asking
so I will go
and hang out with a bunch of people
who sent out letters this week
telling those who were laid off
“they are weak staff, therefore the layoff”

Personally I think its all bullshit
and I'm not really in a partying kind of mood
Reef said we should hold hands all night
just to stir up the pot a little
I remember the last time I played “pretend”
last time I did, it was the most painful game I've ever played

I think it was the Backstreet Boys who sang
“Quit Playing Games with My Heart” but don't quote me on that


While I haven't been here a lot, there has been writing going on
maybe at another secret location, like a livejournal
or one of those composition notebooks, you know what I'm talking about
the ones the “less fortunate” kids got made fun of for having
cause their notebooks didn't have pictures of Snoopy, My Little Pony or some other bullshit
and now every “dark and brooding emotional soul” commits feelings to paper in them
making them seem trendy
whatever

Hey Hammmaah...

I got forced to work longer than usual tonight.

Not that I mind the overtime, but when you've had a long shift
and you are anxious to get out, get home and get your pants off
another hour and a half added on to the end of the night is like
a major bite in the ass

but I made it home
alive
not alive with the glory of love
but alive

just finished House
can't decide if I want to
write
read
or maybe just listen to podcasts till I fall asleep

I'm not in school this semester
I thought I would be angrier about that
maybe I would be if I thought there were more
I could have done about it

just makes me hate money that much more

Which makes me realize
my next check
the one without 20 over time hours
is going to be nowhere near as fat as the past one

Tis hard not be somewhat let down buy that
considering I will be in the City of Angels
in less than two months
vacation requests need to go in yesterday

Need to get taxes done
need to get hair done
need for my nursing degree to be done
need needing stuff to be done

Tomorrow, if I am a good guy
I will wake early enough
to get to the post office
and gym before work

too bad I had my black hat on today
and my black shirt
cause you know what 3rd Bass says about that

maybe I deserve the gas face...
methinks not

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Thaw...

I haven't written shit lately 'cause there hasn't been shit to say.

but tonight breaks the silence.
I just feel like I need to download some shit
clear my head so to speak
just bang it out

I'm not in classes this semester due to some financial shit
that makes me pretty angry
life is all about math, money and numbers
at least that's how it seems to me

So when I'm going to work, wishing I was doing something else
I can think about all the money I'm spending to get my grades released
so I can spend more money
and go to more school...so I can go to work

yeah

At work tonight I slipped on the ice
I fell and broke my ass
and possibly my iPod, in my jacket pocket
of the hip I went down on

I haven't even checked to see what the damage is yet
cause if the iPod is a fatality
I'm going to be really pissed
cause I don't have the dough to replace it

and that shit will come in really handy on my trip to Los Angeles in April

if it's not a fatality that is...

So there will be summer classes
and a whole shit load of credits next fall
cause I can't do what I'm doing much longer
I need a break and a raise

right now I have more PTO than God and no time or money to go anywhere

Last week even God said, “damn man, you need a vacation!!”
“ain't that the truth” I said
and a case of Diet Mug Root Beer and a case of Diet Dr. Pepper fell from the sky
and God said, “For all you do, these 2 litres are for you...”

and me and the man upstairs winked and fist bumped one another

It's an odd thing, fist-bumping the almighty
stings and tickles at the same time
but goes really well with the winking
at least that's how I felt

at any rate...

I'm still all set with this winter shit
people who live in snowy or colder places
are just crazy or masochistic or both cause
fuck that...who needs it?

cause whats better than
a tangerine, a cool drink
a beach chair and some sunny quiet time
6 inches of powdery-white back ache?

fuck that.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

The score in my head...