Case of Mundays....

[Is this good for drinkin?]



I awoke this morning in a haze something like Sunday mornings in college. All I could remember from my slumber was, whilst I slept, I joined Sarah McLachlan's All Clarinet Orchestra and the George Dubya, had recommended I have little chocolate donettes for breakfast.

Pondering the source of said advice, I had a fresh mango and about 4 glasses of water. The older I get, the longer it takes for this jackass to recover from the weekend. As much as I love going out with the girls, sometimes getting, "girl-drink-drunk," it's not always the best plan for me. However, true to superhero form, I was able to be witty and charming as I battled my arch-enemy...gravity, while drinking my favorite black wrath, as if they were never going to make it again.

Work on Saturday was a mild annoyance. Even though there was not much hullabaloo on J-Unit, the fact I was not able to be home, on my porch, reading a book and sleeping of the remainders of a hangover, made me somewhat perturbed. Then again there are worse things in life. I was actually able to get out of work almost on time, which was great because, this guy needed to crash and burn like no other.

Saturday night I watched a very gritty but good documentary called, "Dark Days." It wasn't exactly the feel good film of the year but it does give a great look into the staggering problems of poverty, drug abuse and homelessness in NYC. There really is not too much to say about this film without giving everything away. If you are into documentaries or just things to raise your social consciousness, it will be up your alley. However, I do need to mention the audio levels were somewhat low in part, making things tough to hear. Visually, Dark Days is well...dark, but then again you are living underground.

Yesterday I spent snoozing in and out of consciousness. I was awake just long enough to get the garbage out and then more sleep. I think my body is trying to fight off the impending doom of infection which seems to encircle me every time I go to work. The coughs and hacks of co-workers and inmates alike is enough to make Julia Child roll in her grave. Now on the final day of my weekend, I have to go into work for a stupid unit meeting.

How much fun is that? I tell you, nothing but savages in this town.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Babylon...

Tonight I was jolted by a thought, maybe even a memory. You always have to be wary of the shuffle feature on whatever your music player of choice may be. If you are not careful, it might just throw you that third strike, curve ball you were sure you were going to take...downtown. While engaged in the many pursuit of purchasing hygiene products from the body shop, (screw you, I like to smell nicey) Dar William's, "If I wrote you" came up. I have heard this song a dozen or so times over the past few months, it must have been on as background music, or maybe I was engaged in writing or whatever, but I don't think I actually heard the song.

Tonight...I heard the song. It was a kin to something like a sucker punch. It brought back memories of college, more specifically of Heidi, the one who got away. Why Heidi got away is debatable, but for now I am choosing to place the blame on myself and fear. Fuck fear. For what it's worth, Heidi was one of the few people who I could honestly be me with. I'm sure I've crafted many a tale of lament about Heidi in previous posts, so if there is anything anyone wants to know, email me, otherwise I will try to put this one to bed. What is most ironic about tonight, the song title, my memories of Heidi and about a million other things, is we used to email all the time. The messages were something I'm sure we both checked our inboxes frequently for. I know I did.

After we last saw each other, after my heart was broken and after the last of my money had been spent on a fucking bus ticket, there were no more emails. There were no more phone calls, no more care packages, nothing. Maybe a better way to look at it would be to say, "there were no more lies." Heidi told me she had never said certain things to me because she was thinking about my feelings (and deep down inside I honestly believe that.) So tonight when Ms. Williams asked if she wrote the object of her affection, the breaker of her heart, the recipient of her letter, and answered her own question with, "you will not write me again" I started doing what I do best and deconstructing any defense I might have developed in regard to this matter.

The, "what-ifs" and "just one emails" bandied about in my head and in the end I said, "fuck it." Nothing good would come of it. I would write, she would respond and tell me how fucking great her married life is even though it's everything she told me she never wanted. I would fake happiness for her and maybe the emails would continue for a few weeks, but in the end what would I have accomplished beyond opening wounds I have done a good job of healing?

Even more funny, and I think, "the fates" have it out for me tonight, I wrote this post whilst listening to David Gray, the concert I went to at Madison Square Garden. The concert I emptied out my bank account for to buy tickets for both Heidi and I. The concert I attended alone, cause someone couldn't get out of work. Mr. Gray helped me through a rough time before and has done so again. For that I'm grateful. Slainte, Mr. Gray!!!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Haiku Monday..."Tribute to Rude"

diabetes means
spending your day in numbers
always hated math

Days go by...

I've never called myself a quitter, unless we talk about the time I took ice skating lessons early on in my life. Someone
just should have told me that was a bad idea and left it at that. The reason I mention quitting is, today I was expected to
be at work, and while I did not quit my job, I did call out sick. I mean every now and again, I think we all can say we need
a mental health day and to be perfectly honest, I was due. Things around the local grind have been fairly hectic and as I
have been the defacto boss, as my boss and my bosses boss have been on vacation or choosing to not come to work,
yours truly decided to take a long weekend.

In other news...

I would like to extend belated congrats to some of my favorite Minnesotans, Mary and Kevin H. Newly proud parents to
a health baby boy, I wish their family and friends all the best.

Moving right along...

Weather hasn't totally sucked as much this week. It's still cold but it did actually get warm enough for the second ice
age that surrounded my house to all but disappear. This is good as there are new gutters being put on. I watched the
special edition of Boondock Saints this week. Even if it was not the special edition, that film will always be special to
me. Sean Patrick Flanery is just a great actor. When you sit there and know you know someone from another film
but just cant place it, but they are not wearing any outlandish makeup or costuming, thats some good acting.

I have been experiencing somewhat of a drought of good tunes. Anyone listening to anything good? Anyone have
any suggestions for this jackass?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Dispatches from home...

I originally started crafting this post about 20 hours ago. However, due to fucking technical difficulties, I had to stop.
In case you were wondering, no one in the state of rhode island has rock salt. I even set foot into the wal*mart, I was
fired from a decade ago, in hopes of finding something to melt the layer of ice, literally covering ever square inch of my humble abode.

No dice. I did however see several people who I worked with while I was still employed by wal*mart. I hate to be the naysayer but it seems to me none of these people have any aspirations for themselves if they are still there. Even with
the profit sharing, vesting and stock options, it's not like these people are going to be able to retire on what they are making. Now maybe I am being hasty and they are there because retirement plans have already been made, and they are just making extra money to blow at Foxwoods, Mohegan Sun or *gasp* Lincoln Park.

I received a call and email from my Citrus Queen this weekend. She wanted to check in with me and see how the week end was going, since the rest of the week was not all that stellar. CQ informed me a mutual friend and my collegiate roommate, was looking for someone to share an apartment in May. Normally I would jump at the chance to be reunited with DG but I have my health and student loans to consider. Once again, I can bend over and smile. Plus to be honest,the thought of moving to, "the windy city" when all I really want is to move south, seems kind of counter productive.

Still, hooking up with DG again would be interesting.

Anyone know of a good, licensed massage therapist in RI or surrounding MA? My neck and shoulders are turning into something akin to titanium and I'm not sure what to do about it. All I know is the pain is starting to get to me. *Yawn*
I guess it's time for a little more reading before bed.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

A Little's Enough...

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

(Just a little...)

Nothing but Savages...

I'm sitting and typing and not really sure where I'm going with any of this. Most of me wants to scream until my vocal
chords are caked with dried blood. It has been a Monday. One of those Mondays that makes you want to crawl back
into bed and pull the covers over your head. A Monday that makes you want to fall back asleep and never wake up.

As of late things had seemed to be improving: no more depression meds, sleep habits more regular and life in general
just seemed semi-normal. I was pushing myself to move beyond my comfort zones. I was taking risks, whether or not
I thought they were going to pay off. I was actually starting to *gasp* enjoy myself.

Normally, when the hammer drops, I can sense it coming. Today it came special delivery...in the form of a fucking
car accident. A mere year and a half after my last accident, again I got hit coming out of my driveway. I love how
it is soley my responsibility to make sure there was no traffic coming. I did that. No one gave a citation to the
motherfucker who parked thier fucking jeep, half on the sidewalk-half on the street. No one asked if the driver of the
other vehicle was speeding. No one asked if anyone but me was at fault.

Gratefully, no one was hurt and damage to my car is minor. Of course I had to hit a BMW 325i, fresh from the body
shop, with an insurance agent as a passenger. People have been telling me all day, it was an accident and while I
agree, that doesn't make it suck any less, nor my insurance any cheaper. I can't afford collision now, so with this little
opportunity, it is most definetely out of my price range.

In other news...

The co-worker, who is no longer a co-worker, who I asked on a date, has either been to busy to return my call or was
just placating my offer and never had any intentions of meeting me for brunch, coffee, or several stiff drinks and a
meaningless make out session. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to make a last ditch effort to connect with
her. I mean I know how busy life can get when changing jobs, but part of me feels as though I should have gleened
some message in txt message and call not returned.

Does anyone know where the well-read, single women hang out?

Up until about 2 O'Clock today I was considering an ibook. As my car made impact with the beamer, I watched the
ibook fly away on wings of insurance paper work. All things considered I'm doing ok with this latest monkey wrench
in my works. I'm on the brink of financial ruin and to be honest the only way I can see to solve the problem is to have
two of my "almost grown" male friends move in with me. I'm approaching 35 and yet, my life still resembles that of a
shitty Vince Vaughn / Luke Wilson film.

What makes matters worse is when you realize you're fundamentally a great person and yet you watch everything
crumble around you. It's enough to make someone ponder the sense of walking the path of the righteous man.

With any luck, Tom DeLonge and Angels & Airwaves will calm me enough to sleep. Back to the salt mine tomorrow.
What a great fucking weekend.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

You know...

One thing I've noticed...

I don't get the hits I once used to. I understand why. I mean it's simple really, this guy doesn't blog like he used to. This
guy doesn't do a lot of things like he used to but if empty promises are at all reassuring, this guy is going to try and blog
more or regularly

or

maybe more regularly, which may require several cups of coffee and some delicious bran muffins, of which I'm not allowed.


However, that is another story entirely.

I suppose I could bolster my hits by begging people to read my blog via myspace. Maybe a mass email to all of my
friends would help as well. I'm sure the inclusion of the phrases, "Free Ring Tones" or "Girls Who Hate Cock" would also
do the trick, alas I have never been one for smoke and mirrors.

As for me...

Things are good. The one you want never calls you back. Work, student loans and death are all inevitable parts of life.
Responsible drinking is a good thing, especially if you have a tendancy to drunk dial, (as I do.) More salad and less
burritos make less jackassjimmy, which is also a good thing. Time to read and catch up on some zzzZZZZ's.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Brrrrrr......!

I'm not a plumber, nor do I play one on tv. However, I was able to relight the pilot on my stove today. This is a great
and wondrous thing as it's colder than an eskimo's asshole today. I can only imaging it getting colder tonight and by
relighting the stove, at least I know the pipes in the house won't freeze. At any rate...

Winter: 265, 217

JackassJimmy: 2

TGIAF! Here in my world, today is thursday. While the rest of "normal" society celebrates the end of the work week, I
have one more day to go. Do I get mad? Does this aggrevate me? Not normally, because of having to work on Saturday,
I never, ever have a case of, "the mondays." There are more than a few perks to not working in corporate america.

Went out with bscrazy after work today. We grabbed coffee and then went to music magik. I bought her the Clumbsy,
by Our Lady Peace. I think if you are a fan of good, rock music, not the shit on the radio now, Clumbsy is definetly a
disc you need to own. I also picked up TSAR's self titled debut. While it's not as edgy as Band Girls Money, it's catchy
and is helping to fuel this post. I'm thinking about going to target and staples tonight to pick up the rest of the ink I need
to get my fucking printer to work. I also want to buy another floor lamp. In doing so, I will be able to sit in the WARM
basement and read.

Sunday I'm going to ask a coworker out for coffee. This is not someone I work with on a regular basis and it's someone
with whom I will never work again. Her last day is Sunday and it's fourth and 3 and I'm Tom "motherfuckin" Brady. Never
let em' see you sweat. In addition to that conquest, there has been some serious flirting going on at work. I guess it's just
the nature of the beast. I have to admit, sometimes it makes it difficult to keep my head in the game but, if nothing else,
it keeps you on your toes.

I'm torn between cooking and reading tonight. Either way, there is going to be some shopping to be done. If I cook, I want
to wait so that I can subject bscrazy to my culinary prowess, even if she is very, very wary. I hate driving on Friday night
to go shopping. Too many assholes, too much traffic, too much nonsense.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

How About Them Apples...

Dear Epson and the people who write the software for the Epson brand printers.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been a loyal customer for some time. I have backed the Epson brand and recommended it to friends and colleagues alike. Recently I have become frustrated with the labeling of your ink cartridges. As I am probably one of the most cynical people I know, I find it some what of a coincidence that the refills for the C68 printer and the C86 printer are placed remarkably close together. What am I getting at? Well after spending close to $70 at Staples on replacement ink, I came home, unwrapped and installed my new cartridges, only to find I was shit out of luck because, I had bought the C68 refills and not the C86.

So what is a guy on a budget to do? Well since the cartridges all fit into place, I was remotely optimistic they might work. What a fool I was! What type of evil corporate and technological sorcery have you people bewitched your products with that if an honest mistake is made, one cannot come back from the void?!?!? Are you so heartless as to give everyone the finger? What about all of the hardworking, blue-collar Americans, who purchase your products because they are both economical and reliable? Are we to assume that once you have our money, we are just dollar signs and decimal points to you? I would hope not but my cynicism leads me to believe otherwise.

So tonight, I ventured back to my local Staples to pick up a single, black ink cartridge. One that would let me print out important documents for: tax purposes, medical records and shopping lists; you know everyday kinds of things. Upon returning home I installed my new Epson brand cartridge and voila, guess what? My printer still will not fucking print! Why is this? Hmmm, let me go to your website and see what the great minds have in store for me. Looking through the FAQ's it seems once again I get to bend over and be railed by corporate cock. My fucking printer will not print, unless I have all cartridges installed, and they all have to have ink. So basically, whenever I need to buy ink for this marvel of technology, it's going to cost me the cost of the printer.

I will admit, I did try to be crafty and save myself some cash, as I am on a budget. I bought one of those generic refills, you know the ones that are almost half the price of your refills. Yeah, seems as though you don't want to let those work either. I have to confess I am somewhat angered by all of the chicanery I have encountered these past few days. While I think you make excellent products, your business practices leave something to be desired and in all honesty, I wish you all would lick me where I shit.

I, like a million other people, as well as yourselves, am busy and don't have time for the nonsense and ballyhoo of running around trying to find the square peg that will fit in the round hole. It would behoove your company to clearly label refills and be a little less tight-assed with all of these "cartridge cannot be recognized" messages. These are the kinds of things that make me want to throw your fucking printer out the fucking window and go and take food out of my children's mouths, so I can buy an HP printer.

I expect to see changes made, effective immediately, otherwise I hope you are all sodomized by a tribe of Alabama Hellbillies. Were it not for the relaxing music I have on now, I might have had the gumption to do the job myself.

Fuck You Very Much,
JJ

You know...

It was a good day. A long day, but a good one. Normally I like to sleep a little longer on my day off but, today
there were just things I had to do. Doctor's appointments to keep, phone calls to make and even though I feel
not to bad about it, I blew off the unit meeting at work. Fuck that shit. I'm there five days a week and it's not like
I'm going to get over time for the meeting, so why should I go in on my day off? Exactly...

The doctors was good, scary but good. Now is time to own up for all of the bullshit I have done in the past ten
years. Hey, you don't take care of yourself, the only person you can blame is yourself. Does that make it suck
any less? Of course not, but at least I know who to point the finger at.

Started writing workshop at the LC tonight. I think it went really well. Varying degrees of experience and ego and
overall a good mix. It may be to early to tell but I think I may want to continue on with the teacher. After one class,
she was able to get me to do what no one teacher has been able to make clear to me. Writing honestly, though it is
hard work, gave me a sense of accomplishment greater than the uneasiness I felt baring my secrets to strangers in
a four-walled workshop.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Check under the bed...

When it rains, it pours and this old man is in need of some snoring...among other things.

Could not fall asleep for the life of me last night. Lots of intrusive thoughts: injury, motor accidents, monsters in the house. What's odd is that it truly is the monsters in the house that gets me all fired up. I mean, you and I know there are no monsters, but trying telling that to my subconscious, who as of late, has been a complete bastard.

Saturday was 60 degrees and I was sweating wearing jeans to work. Today it was cold as fuck and at times, I wish I brought my winter coat. It would be nice if Winter would be consistent but I am not going to complain about the warm, warm temperatures for January.

Went to China Buffet tonight. *bangs head on desk* Why do I do these things to myself? It was not dreadful but it was not good either. Last time I force myself through a meal like this, I was living in London and happened upon a Chinese buffet, Yee Tung. Apparently the buffet was really buckets of curried onions and unless you ordered a liquor drink or a cola, you could not have a glass. To be honest, I was looking around for the community water bucket by the end of the meal. Yes, so dinner was not the best tonight and I have since become a gastronomical disaster since then. I'm going to go and take some emergen-c before bed. It cures hangovers and heart disease and this horrid flu going around, why shouldn't it be able to wash this horrid peanut oil fury out of me?

Tomorrow I'm going to start to carry my digi-camera with me. I'm going to document my life (or at least try to) for a year. I may only last a month or even a day but it's something to do besides obsess about the negative.

Work has been busy and I am up for a promotion. No reason I should not get it, as I am the senior most operative on the unit, save for my supervisor. It's a little more pocket money, very little but at least it's better than nothing. Myspace has again put me in contact with some old friends. I can see how people hate it. I mean there is a very real evil to it but with everything. All in moderation. Time to change the wash over.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

A Quick Note...

before bed.

I don't know where "the red" is coming from but it's coming and more importantly, I'm not so sure I know how to stop it.
It may have something to do with the fact I had to go to a meeting, at work, on my day off. There is also the writing class
I signed up for that meets twice, to the tune of $75. I know that's not a lot of money to most people, but when you put your
body on the line, everyday like I do, $75 can seem like a kings ransom. *sigh* Maybe it's time to look for another job. It's
not like I haven't put my time in. Two and a half years in a month or so and gratefully only one major injury and some minor
bumps and bruises. I just wish I could find something where I was remotely happy and didn't have to suck any type of
corporate or soul-sucking cock. Aye...there's the rub now, isn't it?

Hung out with el capitan and bscrazy after work today. Was supposed to go and join Bally's with bscrazy but I don't have
the $$$ and FUCK BALLY'S. They don't want me to be healthy, they want to sell me shit. If nothing else, the treadmill in
the basement is reminder enough I have what I need to work out. I really don't need to work with weights yet. I mean
eventually it would be nice, but I'd like to drop a few more lbs before that happens.

I think I am attracted to that which is not good for me. We know this is the case with food but with women, I am finding it
harder and harder to stay away from people who are either just bad news in general or who in the long run, will absolutely
crush me in some way. bscrazy might just be the later of those two. Smart, funny, independent, attractive, (-)smoker
and a co-worker but yet, possesses something making me want to be less of a loner Dottie, less of a rebel.

Maybe in all actuality, it's more of a rebel. We hang out and I yearn for cool shoes and cool tattoos, however, these could
also be the ramblings of a scene-king, whose reign came to an end about eleventy billion years ago.

And with that, I'm off to bed.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

So this is...

the new year.

I used to think I knew what was going on, then I listened to William Shatner's latest recording, "Has Been."
Clearly the world is coming to an end. With such big names as Ben Folds, Brad Paisley, Andrian Belew and
Henry Rollins, you'd think liking this disc would be easy. You'd think...

But its not.

Nope. It has all the herky-jerky vibe of that late 60's spoken word, bongojamzilla that probably made Shatner think
he was something more than James T. Kirk. SURVEY SAYS!!!! XXX

Anywho, work has been busy, busy, busy. If nothing else it helped the holidays pass by. The older I get, the more
I seem to resent things most take joy in. This is probably due to the industries I work in. Come to think of it, retail can
ruin Christmas for anyone. Even though I have been out of that racket for awhile, all the hustle and bustle of the holiday
season usually make me want to take a hostage.

Anyone get anything good for the holiday? I got a case of diet dr. pepper and an erection, so it was a banner year at the
Jackass residence.

My musical recommendations as of late are as follows:

Vince Guaraldi: A Charlie Brown Christmas. Shut up...this one puts even me in a good mood.

Breaking Benjamin: Phobia. Third release. Very, very polished but songs are still good and I just dig these guys.

Thirty Seconds to Mars: A Beautiful Lie. The more I listen to these guys, the less I hope Jared Leto continues acting.

I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season. I recommend Emergen-c for hangovers and any and all ailments.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Slow down Charlie Brown...

You know, it wasn't so long ago that about this time of year, people were in a much better mood. I remember holiday
seasons from my childhood and even into my early teens, where there was definately more peace on Earth and goodwill
towards all people...not just men. What I want to know is, when the fuck did we all become so fucking miserable?

I mean I know today's society is not what we grew up in and although we have to live in it, we don't have to regress to the
base-level behaviors of those who struggle with the concepts of being able to function in a normal society. Take a look around
as you are out trying to find "that perfect gift, for that special someone." People look as though they would rather be at hard
labor than out shopping. Why? What has changed? Depending upon who you ask, your answer will greatly vary.

Some will say that people have left the Christ out of Christmas and there may be some validity to this, however, Christ only
plays a part in the holdiay season for christians. Those not of the faith or those of other believing whatever it is we
believe, what is are excuse for inexcusable and brutish behavior? I will be the first person to admitt I am not without fault.
The many years I worked in retail have jaded me to the holiday seasons. Not only does retail allow you to see the worst in
people, but it forces you to deal with it, sometimes for not much more than minimum wage. Where is the justice?

I can't tell you how many Black Fridays I spent in the hands of rich and poor alike, being tortured mercilessly because
the retail gods had yet again failed, "Mr.&Mrs. John Q. Customer." So there is frustration and we all know we need to vent that
frustration somewhere, otherwise we get nasty things like cancer or heart disease. But, is it really the fault of the 17 year-old behind
the counter at Target, that everyone on the planet wants a Playstation 3 and that Sony only shipped 36 (gross under-exaggeration)
of them to the U.S.? No, it's not and those people who sell those same 36 PS3's on ebay for $20k are going to burn in hell.
And so I wrote it and so it shall be done!

We are living in a day and age where the cost of living is taking to great a toll on our own lives. We struggle to push ourselves through
marathon shifts at work, to make more money, to buy more things for ourselves or others, to entertain us in the few hours we are not at
work or school. No one spends time together anymore and the economy is largely to blame for this, but if you stop and think for a second,
is it really the things you get for the holidays that are important to you? Personally, I can't remember when I received a present that meant
more to me than family. I know it sounds cliche but to be honest, I was so sick as a young child, just being able to sit and have a meal with
family and tell stories and laugh...that's why the holidays, more specifically Christmas were special to me.

I know the nuclear family is a thing of the past, but if there is not a family, hopefully there are friends and if not friends, hopefully you can
find it in your heart to invite someone over for a meal and some company. People are so glad when the holidays are over because there
is no more racing around buying shit. Think about how much more relaxed we would all be if we just spend more time stoping and listening
to one another. At any rate, it would keep me from wanting to drive to work with a high caliber hand gun on the passenger seat.

I hope you all are well and wish you very happy and healthy holiday seasons!

Cheers,
JJ

Moonshine Monday...

Ok...

Were gonna open this bitch up as if I haven't not posted since we invaded the rest of the world.

I'd love to say I've been busy beating the women off with a stick
or just busy with the women
hell, I'd like to say I've just been busy beatin' off...

but none of that would be true.

Work has been consuming the majority of my time and energy and when those to things are not
sucking on me like a bus station hooker, I can usually be found reading, playing video games or
wasting mind-boggling amounts of time on the internet. (Oddly enough...not updating this blog)

However in addition to all of this frivolous time wastage, there has been some introspection and
after thought. When it all comes down to it, the answer I have been looking for is simple.

I have to leave Rhode Island.

Plain and simple.

While I do love it here, realistically, I'm never going to be more than a wage slave here. Now, I may
move to another state and still be a wage slave, but I will be building equity in a place that I don't
hate living in. I place that is possible to heat in the winter and maybe, just maybe a place that
will afford me the room for an in-ground pool and greenhouse.

Am I asking too much? I don't think so. I mean fresh fruit and veggies and the ability to puddle
around in the pool in the summer, are these lofty goals? Should they require the same work as
amassing a king's ransom or winning the McDongle's version of monopoly? I think not.

So... in short, this Red Sox lovin' yankee is heading south of the mason dixon...hopefully sooner
rather than later.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Early AM rambling...

Working nights has really messed with my sleep schedule. Being someone who is used to being
up for 6:00 AM or 0:dark-thirty, as it's known in these parts, working 3-11pm is somewhat of a major
pain in the ass. The working part is not bad, boring but not bad. However, either sleeping until work,
or waking up and waiting to go to work is for the birds.

I've been reading a little. I am about 30 minutes away from finishing the second installment of The Odd
Thomas story, Forever Odd, by Dean Koontz. I know...I know...brain candy but I love Dean and he is one
of the few writers who I can pretty much count on to not disappoint. Ice Bound, is another story, but it was
early on in his career, and let's be honest, who hasn't stumbled out of the gate a few times.

I've also jumped into, My Life, by William Jefferson Clinton. Yeah, now that it's out in paperback and now
that I have no social life, there seems no better time than the present. I am about four or five chapters in
and I have to admit I am surprised at how well Wild Bill paints pictures of his childhood. I don't feel I have
read enough to give more of a critique than that but to be honest, I still think Bill is a good man, and one
I would have no qualms about being proud to call my president.

In other news...

My computer is beyond effed up again. Apparently the trouble this time is my own doing. I guess I just
wanted things to work and as we all know, I can't have nice things. So, if I come into some money, I will
pay more $$$ on my student loans. If I come into some more money, than more $$$ will go into my online
savings account. And if by chance I hit the lottery, well then I will just by a mac powerbook and forget all of
this windows tomfoolery.

I made another awesome vegan chili. Mostlikely I will drop some off to my dad later on today. Mom has never
been a fan of chili, mexican or indian food so as far as my vegan cooking goes, for the most part she might be
SOL.

Please feel free to drop off any recommendations for books, cds, or movies. I'm always up for those.
Anything else you might want to say is very welcome too.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Good God, NO!

I've been working a lot of nights, which in addition to the damage it has done to my sleep schedule, has also put a little
bit of a hole in my social life, or lack thereof. However, friday night I managed to make it out to the local beereteria for a
drink or two with the buddies. The one thing I learned friday is this: If you are fortunate to be with someone you like, maybe
even love...hold onto them for dear life. I ran into some people I don't even like to associate with at work. I don't know, for me,
spending time with women who get into fistfights with men for the fun of it.....yeah, I'm all set.

So after I pulled the old, "I have to take a shit, I'll be right back..." and moved two feet to the left, the almost fun started again.
A few jokes were told and some football was watched and then it happened. I ran into girls I knew in GRADE SCHOOL.
At this point, I am cursing my luck and scanning the bar for the Candid Camera cameras, the real world crew or even Satan himself.
There were conversations about the hell we all endured, what a raging bitch my mom was in the classroom (and to be fair, in the classrooom,
mom took absolute zero shit) and how even the boy in the wheelchair dissed them. Then we talked about the school bus and how kids threw
gum in their hair and spit on them. While I don't wish anyone any pain. At some point you have to let that shit go, or it owns you.
I'm not only the emo club president, I'm also a client.

So...they finished their drinks just as the ugly lights came on (Cue: Semisonic's Closing Time) We walked out and I think I dodged what
would have been the yuckiest three-some in history. For whatever reason, a burrito and classical music seemed like a better option than
a night filled with the kind of sex that's filled with wailing and sobbing and a ton of bodily fluids no one wants to clean up. Yeah, I know,
I'm a jackhole for turning down a three-some and no other man on the planet has ever done that. Things in life have to feel right for this
jackass and to be honest, that was not even close to right. I'm a good guy and as long as I keep that status, I think I can avoid the flames
my tongue sometimes gets me into.

At any rate, I am working again tonight and more importantly missing the Pats/Colts game. I hope your weekend went better than mine.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Yakkity-Yak...

A Belated Happy Birthday to Surly Monkey

Tonight was all kinds of fuckered up. I had to work until 5pm. This in itself is blasphemy but I can't say I minded strolling into work
well rested and showered today.

However, the fact that I had to work late really seemed to throw off my nightly routine. You see when I got home, I had the best
intentions of cooking dinner. I did't know what I was going to cook, but it was going to be something. After dinner, there would
be the mandatory post-meal cleaning and then I was going to try and go cover to cover with Forever Odd. A book I have been waiting
about six months to read because, I am too cheap to buy the hardcover and DK thought it would be funny to push the release date
back till Halloween. Great move, I'm sure the book is going to be waaaaaaaaaay scarier with a Halloween release.

whatever...

So that was the plan. And then I got home, and:

checked the gmail
txt msgd a cowrkr
ate a cookie...needed like an asshole on my elbow
got sleepy, due to the fact the likes to quit early.

So, instead of the aforementioned plan, I:

skipped cooking dinner and wanted to order pizza
took a nappy nap
talked on the phone for a couple of hour with cowrkr
laid out a ton of emotional shit
felt a residual bout of depression coming on and said FUCK THAT
wanted veggie dogs from Spike's
missed that deadline as well
had coffee with W
listened to his story of the breakup and how he will never be emotional again
went to store and picked up some tofu pups
came home and cooked
ate dinner around 12:15am
reading blogs, and listening to B-folds
tofu pups are pretty good
for fake hot dogs
cause in reality,
they are just trying to mimick lips and assholes

work comes early.

I hope you all are well

cheers,
JJ

kc jonzin'...

See the problem with young girls is...

that they are too young to know any better and well...
I'm just to fuckin' old to care at this point in my life.

Last night, I went to the Halloween party of a co-worker and I was not expecting to have a good time.
However, the fact people went to the limit with their costumes, helped to lift my mood and help keep
the party from being a fucking dud.

Dressed as a lumberjack, my intentions were anything but jacking my lumber at the end of the night.

Cause, the only blonde I can deal with was there, roommate to the co-worker.
The target of my erection, er...uh, I mean the object of my affection.
and as usual there was conversation and chatter, me wishing to be the only batter (in her box)
and though we get along like peas and carrots, her roomies think I'm better suited with girls in hairnets
even after explaining at length that blondie can't shatter this heart of glass cause it comes broke...as is.

I asked if her man was riding the rails, or cleanin' the tracks or whatever the fuck he does for choo-choo charley
she looked sad let me know that Thundar the barbarian was in....... Connecticutt
and
if you know anything about
me or RI
you know
I can stand on my front stairs....
and piss into CT

She stares into my eyes and I try not to notice her noticing me notice
she is bothered by boy-friend abscence
but like the French I crumbled like a house of cards in a windstorm
whipped like a trick by the migh-t German...jaegermeister
with whom I'm no longer friends
and
no amount of
miller light
glasses of water
games of beer pong
or handfuls of candy corn
can stop my verbal diahrrea

talking all sorts of candy coated nastiness
promises not threats
to be the guy in presence
as well as in name
rather than putting the trash on the rails before his
true
cause what the fuck is that about
I know we all do what we gotta do
but come now junior
make the paper
without leaving baby in the corner

and despite what roomies say
shes a good person
staying true to her man
who
leaves her alone
like the fat kid at the dance
like single, single moms
like Jesus done by judas

and no amount of txt messages
back rubs
or stolen kisses while
dancing
leaving the house
or wondering why she loves the Hee-Haw
can make it better
so the bandaids have to cover the holes
of emotional hand grenades
I don't have the strength to dive on

There has been...

some nefarious shit going on lately. To the motherfucker who hacked my computer and destroyed my registry...I hope you live long enough to own a 1000 roomed hotel, and be found dead in every one of them.

Thanks for permanantly erasing some of the happiest memories of my life.

Fucking bitch.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Quick note before...

bed. No, I am not dead. I have been here all along and just have not had much to say. I really haven't had to much to complain about other than the mas exodus of fellow employees at work. I am now second in command which, can either be a good or bad thing depending on how one looks at it.

Life with the i-pod is good. Walking to work is good. I'm moving at a snails pace but I think slowly but surely, I am getting my life back on track.

Other developments:
"Welcoming Home the Astronauts" by Flickerstick continues to rock my world.
I have switched to a vegan diet for health and moral reasons. I feel pretty good and I'm going to try and stick this one out.

Words of thanks to Rude Cactus for the crossed fingers.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Can Someone Tell...

me how people like: JFK, MLK & Gandhi get assassinated and yet this hate-mongering cunt is allowed to live?!

Check out the busblog.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Extreme...

I'm defrosting chicken and going to staples. More on my fun-filled life later.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

321...

Paid for three burritos (got two), saw two movies, got one haircut.

Trying to put the breaks on life is like trying to get a good meal at Applebee’s, it just can’t fucking be done. Anytime it seems as though I have any idea as to what is going on in my life, the hands on the clock spin faster than a top, fueled by an eight-year-old with ADHD, on methamphetamine. Lots of irons in the fire right now. Trying to get a new job, trying to get a new business off the ground and most importantly, trying to keep myself sane. You would think sanity would be the easiest of those goals, but when it all comes down to it, sanity…you elude me like Charley Bucket’s golden ticket.

Ok, so maybe that wasn’t the best comparison as Charley did find his golden ticket…eventually. Hopefully eventually, I will find mine as well. Until then I guess I will have to keep reading, seeing movies and typing out the thoughts which may or may not keep me up at night. This week, I saw both Clerks II and Lady in the Water. Unless you are a die-hard Kevin Smith fan, I would opt for LitW first. Clerks II was funny, very funny at some points, but I just felt more satisfied after I came out of M. Night Shyamalan’s latest work.

If anyone has recommendations for books to read or stuff to watch / listen to, I am currently taking suggestions.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Someone's Gotta Do it...

The thing that hurts the most is having to take several hours to shake the cobwebs out in the morning. It could also be that other thing, the fundamental lack of respect, that hurts the second most. Anyone see where I’m going here? Anyone…Mr. McDonald? *tap tap* Is this thing on?

It’s quickly approaching 1pm here and as predicted, it’s hot as balls. This AM after I woke up and then woke up, I went in search of bug death. I normally cringe during any foray into the belly of the beast. The hell that is Home Depot. My one consolation was that I knew what I was looking for, (bug death & lightbulbs) and I was not going to require getting all tangled with some moron trying to sell me a riding lawn mower, “so I could suck the bugs up.” Yes, $1,500.00 is much better than $8. In and out, five minutes tops. It was great. No bs, no nonsense, no hassle. I checked myself out and was on my way.

As with any trip into the holy land of retail, I had to keep coaching myself to not make any unscheduled stops. No Target, Barnes & Noble or EB Games. “But Jackass, you have a B&N gift card. Why not indulge?” Yes, yes I do. I have two in fact, but I also have a sizeable pile of things to read at home and why create more clutter for myself? Library yo, LIBRARY!!!

I left retail hell and went to deposit my check from work. By that point it was almost 12:30 and I had to consume more than the mouthful of H2O I needed to take my pills this morning. I stopped in to a favorite old café, Café Such a Bagel. One low-carb spinach and garlic bagel and a decaf iced coffee later, I was back in the f-1 and on my way. I used to try and lie to myself. I told myself that decaf was just as tasty as the real thing. I am now going to publicly admit, that this is a falsehood. Decaf sucks, almost as much as Courtney Love.

This afternoon I am going on bug reconnaissance and then there will be some more reading, drinking of water and possibly some video games. I’m not sure what’s going on, I might not be able to fit all of that in.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Tonight I got...

reacquainted with reading. It’s been a while. So today, after work, dinner and a brisk walk, I sat down and for the most part read Chuck Klosterman’s, “Killing Yourself to Live” cover to cover. It’s not a life changing book but since reading, “Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs” I wanted to see what else was available. KYtL was like having many long, long conversations with someone, while pulling bong rips of really good dope. You knew you were enjoying the conversation, but you were never really sure where it was going or what the hell was being said at any given time.

This is not to say I didn’t enjoy the book, I did. I think Chuck’s portrayal of West Warwick, RI and the great white incident are (for lack of a better term) dead on. It left me feeling justified in thinking no matter how many fucking charity shows great white plays, Jack Russle is still an asshole. You made enough money to tour year round for free off of, “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” why not kick some of that loot to the families of the deceased?

Klosterman’s books are largely walks down his own memory lane. I’m not sure why but I find the fact he can intertwine his life with pop culture and society intriguing. If I didn’t, there really would be nothing else to draw me to his writing. His seemingly never-ending, treasure trove of yarns involving getting drunk, denied by the unreturned love of the week, all while ripping on hipster assholes who dig cocaine and the latest Interpol record, remind me why I have always thought of SPIN as a pretentious / bullshit music magazine. All things music being subjective, ripping Interpol but deifying everything Jack White does, just does not compute in my universe.

What the fuck am I saying? Did I like it, did I hate it? I’m looking it this evening as one where I was able to forget about my television for awhile. I was able to not be mired in the fact I would love to be watching the history or food channel but that I lack the necessary income to afford these “premium” channels. I was able to not spend the night implementing my television in my video game geekery. I was able to spend the night feeding my head…and that’s ok too.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not Subway...

Sometimes stuff around here gets so weird, I don’t know which end is up. Today consisted of weather reports telling me it was going to be hotter than summer in the Sahara in August. In case that’s not hot enough, someplace really fucking hot, is what I was told life is going to be like for the next week or so.

At any rate, heat of that caliber, while not being great fat-guy weather, is awesome for producing some ass-kicking thunder storms. Jackass is a huge fan of the T-storms, so even though I may knock on death’s door due to dehydration, the sound and the fury should be worth the price of admission.

Recockulously easy day at work today, one can never have too many of those. While I didn’t have to shoot, kung-fu or rescue any other member of the team, I did have to stay awake. Sometimes when it’s hot and you’re walking the yard, it’s tough to keep the lids on your eyes open. Especially when your sunglasses are “the good kind.” Word on the street is that we’re getting a repeat offender in next week sometime. While I will be in hand-to-hand training all week, I do know this particular individual and this could be the end of our dry spell. For the most part, J-Unit has been pretty quiet, but when it rains it pours. Or maybe it doesn’t as the meteorologists in this area don’t know their ass from page four.

I got home from work and spent time with a good book on the deck. While I read, I was torn in two different directions due to someone banging the latest lil Jon diddy about 4 blocks away. As I turned pages to fingers being snapped, someone a few yards over had fired up the stove and was, I assume…metalsmithing.

The repetitive clank-clank-clank for the better part of three hours, coupled with the smell of burning wood clued me into the fact the revolution is upon us and it will be fought with a two-handed, bastard sword (+5) damage / no saving throw. A little silly but it’s the small things which give you a chuckle and keep you from fire-bombing Starbucks.

I just gorged on a chicken Caesar pita from some chain I am ashamed to mention and I have to admit, it was very tasty. That having been said, I need to grab the i-pod and go for a walk.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

Tired...

That's all I can say. Today I woke up late, struggled at work to stay awake and when I came home, slept from 4pm until almost 10. Now here I sit, blogging away minutes from bed, and I'm sure I will have no problem falling asleep.

...even after a large iced coffee and two spicy chicken burritos. I know, my late night eating habits are not the best, but at least I didn't consume the red velvet desert heaven that are, "twinkies, dipped in the blood of our lord Jesus Christ." At least that's what I was told buy one convenience/gas station attendant. Apparently as an employee bonus, you get to huff as much of the gas as you want.

Yeah, the whole sleeping thing, I think it is just a combination of my medicine and the fact that I have been waking up at 4am for the past few nights. I don't know what the deal is with 4am but my body seems to think it's the opportune time to fuck with me via; having to take a raging piss, or cramps so bad in my calfs or shins that I pray for death. At any rate, I'm pretty sure I won't have to deal with that tonight.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Dear God,

Please help me to have a better tomorrow than today. Give me the strength I need to get through work and to keep me safe. If these medications are ment to help, please help them kick in faster.

love,
jimmy

Fun...

Hey, Happy July everyone! I figured I would stop by and see how things are going. Seems as though I haven't been posting much, and well if you've been keeping up with the box score, I think you might have an idea as to why.

Anywhoo...

Yesterday was the great day of nation's independence. Yes, the same nation who lies to us and taps our phones, reads our emails and generally tells us what we should read, see and think. What a wonderfully independent country. *sigh*

Last Saturday night I went out with el capitan, d-lo, kc(d-lo's roommate) and the princess. There were cocktails, dancing and goodtimes had by all. Yes, even by me. kc and I talked most of the night, as the other three rambled on about work, and who the fuck wants to talk shop when you are out having a good time? We danced & drank and danced some more. Some of our friends from the North came in wearing hockey equipment and Canadian flags. kc and I took a break from shaking our groove-thing and she went and talked hockey, scored free drinks and flirted some.

This gave me ample time to have a few cocktails, dance with the princess and perpetuate the over non-anxious-i-thought-this-was-gonna-suck-but-it-doesn't feeling. el capitan was doing his best imiation of a guy trying to dance and not look like a jackass. the princess was trying to help him out, but as we all know, some causes are better off lost. The club closed and we all began the drunken stumble back to d-lo & kc's apartment. The walk was filled with hand-holding and talking non-sense and in my haze, I realized the old adage is true. When you are not looking for someone, you will find them. And if at the time they happen to be involved with someone who, their roommates think is less than perfect, then you are required to steal her away from him.

GAME ON.

And so begins my quest for the damsel in distress.










I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

It's 11:35 and...

I can't even choose a song to blog to. I suppose shuffle would have been a good idea but then again when you are listening to something mello and then Metallica comes up in the mix, that kind of fucks everything up now, doesn't it?

It's day two of better living through science, at least that's what I've been told. Both of the medical professionals I have seen believe I suffer from Dysthymia. Which from what I've read, lasts much longer and has more cases of suicide than your normal depression. Fan-fucking-tastic.

The drugs are making my stomach upset, and this will be par for the course at least for two weeks. I won't even notice a difference until about a month in...Excellent.

Tell me again how this is better than walking around in a gloomy mood?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

This weekend has...

been nothing but rain and more rain. I was going to try and tame the back yard but since half of it is under water...wtf is the point. Two more days of work and then two days off. I can't decide what to do. I want to go and see the davinci code but since my parents are going to a conference in Philly, they are leaving Buster, the wonderhound with me.

It will be good to have my dog around again but at the same time, he's old and gets nervous (pees all over) when he is alone for any stretch of time. Maybe I will have to scratch this weekend too and just spend some hound-dog time. *Sigh* no worries, it's not like I don't have books to read. My only concern is that my doctor appointment is on wednesday morning and I'm wondering if the meds I am sure to be prescribed are going to make me all sick and bajiggity.

I hope you all are well.
Cheers,
JJ

P.S. Tony Pierce has a sweet video of Stevie Wonder breaking it down on his site.

Dont Bother Me

He's a dork granted...but that dude can break it down.

Daily Show on violent video games

Update...

Ok heres the shiz...

So Madame Therapist and I met tonight. Session went fine and we are still in agreement that I am depressed, need medications (she agrees on that, not I) and need to create some sort of social life for myself.

It's not like I'm a fucking hermit. I leave the house. I have a job, which I hold down without issue. I have friends all over the fucking country and North America if I count my internet friends. I'm sorry but I'm not really sure that early 30's fun is the kind of fun I am into.

Go out and meet people, not so much. People my own age are fucking boring. Why go out and spend money being around people who spend their existance chasing money? I'd rather stay home and read a book, maybe watch a movie or play a game.

"But Jackass, you'll never meet that special someone, the one who will complete you and make everything whole."

That's fine, I'm a total asshole so as far as meeting the person to complete me, I don't have any room for that. Now if you will excuse me, I have audio books to go and listen to.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

WNBC Today June 21 - Vincent Ferrari Interview

AOL is the fucking DEVIL! I'm sure this customer rep is under so much pressure to keep the accounts, he knows he is a goner... no matter what.

A $1 million dollar contract to play Halo 2

Apparently, I chose the wrong career path!

Major League Gaming (MLG), the world's first professional video game league, today announced that it has signed the nation's leading four-man Halo 2 team, Final Boss, to a $1 million dollar contract, and Tsquared, one of the top individual pros in the world, to a $250,000 deal.

read more | digg story

Neither Rhyme Nor...

Reason. Sometimes I wonder if there is a reason that I do anything I do. More often then not, I can’t see rhyme or reason for any of it. Tonight was a prime example. I had just finished making the appointment with the nurse practioner that I did not want to make. The one who will be prescribing the drugs I don’t want to take. The drugs that will all but cripple my writing ability…or lack thereof.

I hung up the phone and there was a sinking feeling in my chest. Something akin to what it must have been like to be on the Titanic. So I surfed the internet for awhile, checked email & myspace and comments and after finding no love anywhere, decided I needed to go shopping. To the Apple store I went.

There it is folks, the 60gig, video ipod. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting and realistically, there is never going to be enough, “discretionary income” to allow me to purchase one outright, so I just went ahead and did it. Am I a little on edge, maybe but at least I have no excuse to not walk all over hell and back…I now have mobile music. We’re not talking about one disc here either. I have wanted an ipod for a long, long time; so much so that I am currently the last of my crew to get one. I even donated cash so other could replace their ipods before I had mine. I know what it’s like to rely on technology and then not have it. Thus, my purchasing of the 2 years of service.

After completing my order, DF Wrenchman called. He wanted to get coffee. I haven’t been much for going out lately but it was hot and an iced coffee sounded pretty good. I pulled on my shoes and ventured into the hood. We drank coffee and shot the breeze, not being rosy-cheeked teens can sometimes take all the fun out of life, sometimes it’s good to be old, to not have to deal with childish and mundane shit, like…high school. DFW asked if I had eaten yet. I had not, he offered to cook dinner and I accepted. We drove to his new apartment and on the way there passed the cemetery and ball field we played in as young, trouble makers. The ball field has since been fenced in and is patrolled fairly regularly by the local constables. Fuck the constables. DFW grilled up kielbasa and we watched Edmonton run out of gas in the first period. I drank my first ever Coke Zero and have to say, that’s pretty damn tasty for a soda sans sucre.

All in all a decent night: cool coffee, a hot meal and some luke warm hockey. I have spent many worse nights in the “fortress of solitude” eating Cheetos, drinking crystal light and wishing for a better life.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,

JJ

Today was a tough day.

Those of you, who know me personally, may or may not know that I have been battling depression for some time now. Today, after what seemed like a marathon counseling session, my therapist made the recommendation that I go on meds again. She also suggested that I start coming once a week. When asked, “If I felt like I wanted to hurt myself,” I was stunned.

I cannot tell you how profoundly these things affected me.

I don’t even have words for it myself right now.

Those of you who, don’t know me, those of you from the world wide web and other weird places, thanks for stopping by and commenting or not commenting as the case maybe.

I plan to continue blogging, though I’ve found when on medication both my motivation and creativity are virtually non-existent. Ha-Ha spell check does not recognize blogging.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Not too much....

fun going on today. I really shouldn't even be taking the time to write this, but I want to bust one out before I have to grind through the bull shit that is my day.

After a long and drawn out process, I am finally going to get a new tire for the f-1. It's been too long and now I fear my doughnut will turn into a doughnut hole unless I get a new tire...TODAY. It's not sunny but the weather is pleasant and breezy and as a card carrying member of the, "I love good fat guy weather" society, today puts a smile on my face. At least when I a wasting away in TownFaire Tire or in the jungle that is my back yard, I will not be completely soaked in sweat like the family pig...on the night before Easter.

In other developments...

Butt Trumpet, the chick-not the band, text messaged me last night. Apparently she was at the same place I was and didn't feel the need to stop and say hi. No sweat off my back. What's funny is the "W" saw her, didn't say anything to me, and then told me she was looking at me like a fat kid eyes the desert table. "This type of information can be very helpful to me..." or something to that effect stumbled from my lips.

While I don't hold the record for world's oldest virgin, Steve Carrell(40) & maybe former Laker great AC Green(39) have a few years on me. Tony Pierce said, "the easiest thing in the world to say is no." In most cases I would agree, but when it comes to whether or not you're gonna get all Glen Quagmire with some Betty, no can often be the hardest thing to say.

I know most of you are probably thinking I have a horn growing out of the center of my head, cloven hoofs, or have never smelled good enough to get within speaking distance of a woman. Truth be told, though I have not had the best luck with the fairer sex, I have indeed engaged in conversation and more. My reasons for saying no can vary from day to day. (Insert heart getting ripped out via asshole, multiple times here.) Way back when I was in high school, cir.1569, I was too much of a dork to even have a shot. Thank God for music, and women into the alternative scene.

In my late teens and early 20's I hung out with some cool chicks, some chicks I would consider, some that I would not, and some well, some I had not a snowball's chance in Hell with.

Again, you're saying, "dude, your calling them chicks...of course they don't want to talk to you." Rest assured, I'm not THAT socially impared. Taking the road less travelled, I started college at the ripe old age of 23. The unseen advantage of the dudes in my hall calling me, "Grampa" automatically gave up the goods to unsuspecting co-eds in search of an older guy, or in my case, someone old enough to buy apple pucker & wine coolers.

So to make a long story short, you are all wondering how I got through college and several post collegiate years without, "closing the deal" so to speak. Simple. The fact I have a blog, evidence there are too many thoughts running through my head, that I need to spill on these electronic pages should be enough to clue you in to the fact I can't shut my brain off. I think / obsess ALOT. In most cases it gets in the way of me living my life, but that's my deal not yours. The other reason I haven't had sex yet, is just the fact that I have waited this long and what's the point of just sleeping with anyone, when you have been saving it...thinking it/your worth something?

Color me the only guy in the world that thinks this way, but I don't care. Butt Trumpet asked me out for cocktails on Friday. While she has made it blatantly clear we could do the horiztontal mambo on several occasions, I'm still not going to take her up on it. As a *sigh* errupts from the crowd. Never fear, there will be cocktails and conversation and if my companion decides she wants to jiggle the handle or perhaps play the trombone, who am I to say no?

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

From the, "Are you Fucking Kidding Me?!?!?" Files.

RIAA Says No Dancing To Music On YouTube

RIAA is apparently sending out cease-and-desist letters to YouTube users who dare to put up videos of things such as themselves dancing to music they haven't licensed.

And they say Big Brother is not watching....horseshit!

read more | digg story

There are some...

benefits of being a bachelor. I have yet to find a majority of them but I do know, being able to make vacation reservations for one and being able to eat meals that would kill most normal people 3-4 nights a week is definately a plus.

There has not been a whole lot for me to write about lately. Not an excuse, I just figured people would rather me not write at all, rather than just complain and bitch and complain. Anyway, things are what they are and for what it's worth I will give you the updates I have.

May brought rain, rain and more motherfucking rain. It was the kind of rain one could not get away from, the kind of rain which soaked through to the bone and that chilled you hours after being warm and dry, the kind of rain that falls in Edinburgh, except you mind this rain.

Luckily I had plans for Memorial Day weekend. I jumped a plane to the Midwest, MN to be more exact. Instead of chilling rains and gray skies, I was going to the land of chilling temperatures and 10,000 lakes. I left Rhode Island worrying that I had forgotten to pack a coat, a hoodie or just a little something to keep the pre-summer chills off of me.

The further west I travelled, the better the weather seemed to get. I haven't seen skies as blue and as clear as I did in Milwaukee. The view from the airport was fantastic and when we hit the ground in Minneapolis/St. Paul, the pilot informed us the local weather was a low of 73, with a high of 95...a temperature of 80 degrees at 11pm. So much for needing a jacket!

I walked what seemed to be the Appalachian trail to get to my rental car. See, when you have no money and fly the discount airlines, MIDWEST, (which...by the way, I would recommend to ANYONE) you are made to walk a little in regard to making a connection or to pick up a rental. This is especially true in MSP. So I got to Avis and they told me for $3 more a day, I could have a convertible Ford Mustang.

Now, I know what you are all thinking. TAKE IT!!! However, being jackassjimmy, a guy with a lead foot, who always has automotive trouble before coming to MN. (2001 loss of license and $700 speeding ticket) I decided to stick with my Toyota Corolla. With gas prices being what they are, there was no need for me to have a few extra ponies under the hood. Besides, I drove the Corolla around all week, with the air on and only had to put $11.50 in when I brought it back. Not too shabby.

I drove to Fat Guy's house as he guided me in. Lucky there was no traffic on 94 or 35 so the drive took me like 20 minutes, although I have to be honest, there were times I was not conscious of the speed limit and I'm sure I was doing like 65 in a 40. Such is life. Fat Guy met me and helped me with my bags. It was good to see him as it had been about three years and we had limited time to hang out on my last visit into town. Something about him getting married or something.

The next few days, I spent with Mr. & Mrs. Fat Guy, Fat Guy's parents and in-laws. It was a good time and there can never be enough beers drank in MN. I mean, we drink here in Rhody but to sit in the garage and put a case down in an hour or so, that's just not right. On my second night in town, Citrus Queen called me and let me know she was in town and that she wanted to get together for drinks or whatever.

We met at McGovern's, a cool bar and eatery, not that anyone did much eating. Citrus Queen was radiant as ever and she brough some more old friends, Curly and Bex with her. All in all good times seeing everyone. True to form, JJ decided to make the jump to light speed and stopped drinking grain belt and thought shots would be a good idea.

Long story short, I end up outside of the West 7th tap, with my head in a bag and not knowing why the bag is so heavy...it's not like I had anything to eat all day.

To be continued.

random...

It's 5:11.

Which is exactly one hour after I got home from work. Right after the "W" and I met for coffee. My jury is still out on self imposed nick names. In other words, I'm not sure how I feel about that shit but for now, "W" is all good in the hood.

Hi there...

This is me, attempting to make a comeback. I've been a bad blogger. There has been a lot going on but nothing to talk about, so maybe I could have saved my self some sleepless nights and aggrevation, if I had just forced myself to sit down and write. Long gone are the days of writing not being a chore. Way back when, they didn't call it, "blogging" they called it "journaling" and it was done on anything from a scrap of paper to some of those really snooty $50 leather-bound jobbies you can get at B&N. Now, anyone has the power to put their thoughts and opinions out on the webwaves. You can say whatever you want on this vast interweb and for the most part, no one will bother you. You might say some off-sides kind of shit, but if you can back it up, (and I'm not talking in a house of pain/boyz in the hood kinda way) then...play on player. It's a far cry from sitting in a room stacked with old .99 cent notebooks thinking, "no matter what anyone says, I'm not as crazy as Spacey's character in SE7EN." Now you can put it all out there and if you give people the option, and feel so compelled, they can say, "yeah man, I know what you're saying." or "Chist on a stick...you are fucked!" Either way, there are options.

Options for what...I have no idea.


I'm just one man.

Trying to make a comeback.


I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

In just under...

fifteen hours, I board a plane to head back to the land of Ten Thousand Lakes. I have to admitt, I am a bit excited. The last time I was in MN, I attended the wedding of one of my best friends. Now, three years later, I am heading back and I am also attending a wedding but as a favor to a friend. I do know the bride to be...somewhat, but I wouldn't say we're friends. We're more, I don't know...commrades of work. We bonded together one summer working on the University grounds crew. A job that was akin to swimming pool maintanence in Hell. I thought I knew about humidity living on the east coast, you know...right on the ocean.

eff that.

Let me tell you the humidity and mosquitos of MN summers are fucking UNREAL. I can remember swinging a baseball bat at a mosquito and just having it shake off the blow and look at me in a very annoyed manner. NOT COOL. I also remember having to cover the bride to be in one of those astronaut blankets cause it was 190 degrees with 4000% humidty. Just in case you are wondering, heat stroke ain't pretty.

But anyhow...

As I mentioned, I am staying with a great friend of mine and his wife, (who I'm sure hates me, because the only time I talk to friend is when he is in the car going somewhere.) It's like I'm his mistress from the other side of the country, only I have a dick and don't need to shave. I may try and read the DaVinci Code on the way to MN. At least that way I have something to compare the movie to. I have to be honest, I don't expect a whole lot. I'm not sure why but I just think there is too much hype. Angels and Demons was a great book and why they didn't start there, I have no idea. What the people in Hollywood don't like money?

Am I packed? No. My house looks like the aftermath of an X-Men movie and I have the motivation of a mole. What's weird is my eyes are killing me and I haven't spent the day in front of the monitor. Maybe I am getting old. One thing I am happy about, my new license coming in before I left. I just had a feeling I was going to have a hard time getting served with my baby face and a passport. Sometimes being 33 and looking 24 is a bitch.

Last but certainly not least, I will get to spend some quality time with my Citrus Queen. Again, three years have passed and I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited about seeing her. Reconnecting with people is always a good time, no matter what the nature of your relationship. I mean, unless we're talking about hooking up with Glen from accounting and then well...that's never a good time.

I'd like to maybe say some more shit here, but I'm almost out of gas. Time to slam another 15 cans of soda and get back to work. Supposedly my buddy is hooking me with a high speed connection from my room. If so, I may blog as I go and give you all the words and images as they come. Otherwise, you'll just have to wait and see.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

Horseshit...

I got into a car accident tonight on the way to take my parents out for mother's day. Gratefully no one was injured including the other driver. She was young and scared and not paying attention, and though the F-1 is a high performance, military style, attack vehicle and even though I have cat-like reflexes, there was no way I was going to avoid this fucking collision.

Anyway...

I leave for the frozen tundra of MN on Tuesday.

I am so ready for vacation my ass hurts.

I might have a drink, smoke some grass, smooch a random chick. However as I just signed up for the seminary and have been straight edge for two hundred years, these things may or may not happen. Only those in the know, will be in the know.

I hope you are all better than me.

Cheers,
JJ

Fifth of May...

It's Cinco de Mayo and while some will celebrate their Mexican independance, we gringos look at it as another excuse to get drunk.

After getting out of work today, I went to celebrate with several hundred other gringos at the "Hot Club." It's one of Providence's nice weather, on the water, let's sit and have some cocktails kind of place. However on a Friday, or a day like today, everybody and their brother comes out to drink, get ass drunk and see what kind of free Corona schwag they can score. It kills me to see grown adults, some coming up on retirement pulling the, "what would you do for a Klondike bar" routine for a fucking shitty can coozy or visor. In my opinion, if your going to be a billboard for something, at least let it be a cool band or some product you believe in.

The Bru Crew was there in full effect. I was approached by a stunning red-head who was trying to convince me to mosy on over to the schwag table so I could sign up for some shit and play some games. She was nice enough and easy on the eyes, but..."bitch please, you go to an Ivy league school. The fact that you work for the coolest radio station in the state, is not even remotely enough motivation to get me to drink the promotional drink." How come you're not drinking Corona or Cuervo, she asked.

My first impulse was, "cause they were all out of gofuckyourself." Again she had only annoyed me and not insulted my manhood...so, "cause I really don't care for either was enough of a reply. She attempted the chat-up for another 30 seconds and then gave me a squeeze and reiterated how cool it would be for me to come see her at the merch table. Sure, I said in my best interested voice.

Shit started getting out of hand with the parental types partying like it was 1975. So the boss & bosses boss decided to get some grub. We headed over to Thayer to eat at Paragon where black shirts and attitude were the only things on the menu. I was denied my beloved Malibu and 7, cause my license expired 5 days ago. Apparently Paragon had gofuckyourself on tap. I had some tortellini w/ chicken and a few sodas. Bosses Boss had two friends meet us and they were cool. Dinner was good but not worth the $200.00 bill. At least I have a new date restaurant though.

After dinner we decided to go to Bosses Boss friends place cause it would have been cheaper to drink 94 octane than to keep drinking at Paragon. We got to Julie's and out came the Sirius Satellite radio and the monster, "yes, I'm grown folk and still smoke weed bong." I was tempted but having been clean for a year, it was nice to avoid the paranoia. Patrick Kennedy should use me as a role model. Conversations and ha-has were had. I met Budda, the cooler than hell dog and left after about two hours. I called W on the way home and we got some late night cafe. America may run on the Dunk but I run on espresso.

Good thing I didn't get all bajiggity tonight. As I write this I see it's 1:45 and work is in t-minus 5:15...FUCK!

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ

P.S. Props to Big Papi for getting back on track tonight. Thanks Chief!!!

CGN University...

this is the university I am attending. You may be enrolled as well but not even know it...yet.

In attempting to post more than twice a month, this will be a themed-post. The theme being, "Things that are just fucking crazy."

Without further ado, here they are.

Hi, I'm George W. Bush. I am the worst president ever. When I mean ever, I mean a long fuckin' time. I'm not talking like Jerry Lewis Telethon long, no sir. I'm talking longer, like I've been in office so long, no one under the age of 20 will remember the "good old days." When gas was not eleventy billion dollars a gallon and the rest of the world didn't hate us. That's how long I'm talking about. Anyway, I was just on my way to vacation, I mean "work" and just thought I would stop by this here blog and let you all know that I took a shit about this big today. God bless America, and no place else.

Thanks for stoping by George, always love to hear your excretory system is in working order. Well we kind of always know that cause anytime you speak, all that comes out of your mouth is shit. Front door or back door, either way the shit is getting out.

Next up His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI.

Thank you JackassJimmy. Good morning. I have stopped by Called Out at Home to tell you of the good news. I think you all know who I am, if not, just know that I am the head of a church/political machine that uses fear and guilt to manipulate people into living in a way that is antiquated and unrealistic.

Now for the good news. In the past, if someone had died before being baptized with the Holy Spirit, their soul did not go to Heaven. See Catholics have to be "baptized" with water and oil before they can go to Heaven. See God loves oil and water, much like George Bush, (maybe that's why he is always speaking with Georgie and not me.) and therefore, wants all of his people to be annoited with these blessed things. Those poor bastards unfortunate enough to not get baptized, well they go to limbo/purgatory to wait to see if there may be room in Heaven at a later time.

Limbo is not really a very fun place because it's filled with unborn children/children who die at birth and those stupid enough to not be baptized into the Roman Catholic faith. There is no food or music in limbo, in fact there are only broken beach chairs and math problems in limbo. I seem to be getting off track here but what I wanted to tell you is this. "I got rid of limbo. There is no more limbo." Now I know some of you may find this hard to believe, but God spoke to me and told me I could do it, so I did.

Where have all the souls of your children and loved ones gone? Let's not worry about that just yet. Let's celebrate the fact they are no long in limbo! I know some of you may be angry or overcome with grief and this is to be expected, but as Catholics, you know that nothing good ever happens to you and that it is your faith in the Unseen alone that will get you through this. Rejoice and be glad in this good news. Oh, and if you use condoms or birth control, you will burn in Hell for all eternity. Have a good day.

Thanks for those rays of sunshine your eminenance, I know I feel like hanging myself right now. Our last guest should be considered a certified lunatic. He is just rediculous and makes his living as a "magician" a financially bankrupt occupation since people believed you shouldn't bathe because the Devil would enter you via your open pores. Ladies and gentleman, how about a nice Called Out welcome for David Blaine.

"Hello, I am speaking with you using telepathy. This is necessary as I was enclosed in a water-filled sphere yesterday. While in this sphere, I am going to try and escape from some chains, while trying to hold my breath for 9 minutes. I am not a good role model and think you should keep your children away from me. I have done other great stunts like: burying myself alive for a week, encasing myself in ice for 61 hours and my personal favorite, being hanged in London for 44 days. I can't wait to get out of these chains and break that breath-holding record, cause my balls are very itchy. Hail Satan."

Ok, well thanks for that short yet informative interview. Well that seems to be all the time we have for today. Come back the next time I post something and maybe it will not be as wild and weird as this.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ


JUST ONE MINUTE JACKASS!!! I'M TANA UMAGA, FORMER CAPTAIN OF THE NEW ZEALAND ALL BLACKS RUGBY CLUB. IF YOU HAVE THE BALL, I WILL DESTROY YOU. IF I HAVE THE BALL, I WILL RUN THROUGH YOU. I LOVE DESTROYING PEOPLE AND I AM CRAZY. I ONCE TRIED TO TACKLE AN 18 WHEELER. HOWEVER ALL THAT KILLING HAS MADE ME TIRED AND AT 32 I AM LEAVING THE ALL BLACKS TO SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY CAUSE I AM A HELL OF A GUY. OK, I JUST WANTED TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A NICE DAY, I'M GOING TO GO RIP TREES OUT OF THE GROUND WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!!!!

Three Reasons Why...

today does not suck frog cock.

1. The Red Sox beat the fucking Yankees.
2. My Get Up Kids cd finally came in the mail.
3. Diet Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper is pretty good.


The weather is for suck, (as they say in Hungary) but you can't ask for everything at once. If you do, you are fucking greedy and should be ashamed of yourself. It's late and there is no way I should be up, but I have to do laundry so I can go to work with clean clothes tomorrow. As a result, I blog & drink more soda. Yeah, it's a terribly exciting night at Chez Jackass.

I am excited about going to work tomorrow. One of our long term guests is being transfered to another facility and that makes me happier than Michael Jackson at a nude cub scout meeting. So much weight will be lifted from my shoulders and things will be exponentially better at work, at least temporarily

laundry, soda, sleep.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ